Only me Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 My mom has end stage cancer. I've been staying with my parents to help out. We know that she is near the end. My mom is a fighter. As of wed the hospice nurse said that she didn't think my mom would last the weekend but when she saw my mom on Thursday she said she was a real fighter and thought it would be longer. She has gradually been declining but the past two days have become a lot worse. She had been hallucinating and asking questions constantly for a few hours, sleeping for a few hours and repeating the process. She stopped eating a week ago but was still drinking. As of Friday she was only taking dropper full of water at a time. From 5 am sat until 8 last night she was sleeping most of the time but moaning in her sleep and only took 2 droppers of fluid. We don't think she is in pain because she is in heavy duty pain meds. At 8 tonight she was a bit more alert and at 12 when we gave her meds it was the first time she said an actual word all day. An hour ago she started throwing up black liquid. I called hospice and they said that it could be the beginning of the end but since she is breathing ok there is nothing they can do. My poor dad is just sitting by her side. We don't know if she has minutes, hours, a few days. My brother is supposed to come over tomorrow morning to relieve me (we take turns helping out) I don't want to leave if she is about to die but it could be a few days yet. I need to be back Monday evening and will be here until next Thursday night so I will need my rest since it has been pretty much 24 hour care. My birthday was also yesterday and my kids want to see me. This is so hard and scary and I don't know what to do. A bit of an update at post 60 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I am so sorry. Watching loved ones die is a terrible, painful experience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsummer Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I'm sorry; it is hard to watch your parent die, especially from disease. How close are you? I lived about a mile from my parents when my dad was in his last days; I had 3 small children at home so I couldn't be there all the time. He was in a coma for the last week or so; the hospice nurse told us when she thought it would be within 24 hours or so but I still couldn't be there constantly. When he started to display the signs the hospice nurse said signalled the beginning of the end, my sister drove over to get me. It took all of maybe 10 minutes; he died while we were on the way (my mom was here). You have been with her a lot through her final days, it seems like, and for much of her last lucid moments. Don't feel bad about possibly missing the moment of her death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 You have been with her a lot through her final days, it seems like, and for much of her last lucid moments. Don't feel bad about possibly missing the moment of her death. Agreed. And sometimes it seems they choose to depart when you are not looking to save you the trauma. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 We went through some thing similar with my MIL. We actually were visiting her about 3 o'clock and she threw up black liquid. We didn't know what to think of it but didn't realize it's significance. The hospice nurse called my DH about an hour after we left from visiting and told him it was a matter of hours and it was. ((HUGS)) I am so so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I think your decision depends on whether you feel strongly that you want to be there when she actually stops breathing. I agree with Rosie and Ananamone-you have been a loving caregiver. But you should decide what you feel most comfortable with. It sounds like time is very short-but it can be unpredictable and may be a few more days still-and that makes a difference to you. (((hugs))) to you-it is so, so hard to watch someone going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Agreed. And sometimes it seems they choose to depart when you are not looking to save you the trauma. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Yes, I think so too. My mother and I had been taking care of my grandmother around the clock for months. My uncle was never around until hospice said her passing was imminent. My mom and I left her with my uncle for us to run home and shower, and she was gone before we got home. Wishing you and your family peace. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Only me Posted May 25, 2014 Author Share Posted May 25, 2014 Wow. She almost choked to death. Scariest experience of my life. I guess when she vomited she must have aspirated some. My poor dad. We felt so helpless. We called the hospice nurse to come as well as my brother. Incredibly my moms vital signs are still good etc. this nurse feels it will be at least another few days up to a week. I don't want to lose her but all this back and forth of emotions is exhausting. I live an hour away so when my brother comes back later this morning I will go home until Monday evening. I've told my mom constantly how much I love her. Even though I want to be here at the end I know that she knows I love her. This is all so hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Agreed. And sometimes it seems they choose to depart when you are not looking to save you the trauma. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Agreeing with Rosie. My grandmother (the strong matriarch of our family) who was in hospice in the hospital passed away during the 10 minutes between the time I left her and when other cousins were scheduled to come be with her. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysticmomma Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I'm so so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: So sorry you are going through this right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: You are doing a good job of helping your mom. You can call hospice again if you need to talk through what she's doing. Also, you can see if they have 11th hour volunteers if you feel you'd like another person there. Some hospices have this and others don't. It can be very scary to watch a loved one go, and so much of what may or may not happen is unknown - until it happens (like your mom aspirating). I'm a hospice volunteer, I've done 11th hour vigils with families... but still I needed to call the hospice nurse myself when I needed reassurance that what I was doing was right, when sitting vigil at my mom's bedside. Lots of hugs and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Agreed. And sometimes it seems they choose to depart when you are not looking to save you the trauma. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: yes, it is quite common for a loved one to pass when no one is around. It's still hard, because we want to be there for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I am so sorry, it's so hard and I've been where you are. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: My mom went through this with two of her sisters in the last couple years. No advice, but just hugs. It is hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I am sorry. It is indeed common for people to slip away when someone goes out for coffee or to make a phone call. It's almost like they feel bad about dying and hang on when loved ones are around, so please don't feel bad if she passes when you are not there. You have been a devoted and loving caregiver, and your mom knows that you have kids who require your time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I'm just so sorry. My heart will be with you today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I'm so sorry that you have to watch your mom suffer. You are a wonderful daughter. Your mom is lucky to have you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 You are a devoted and loving daughter. (((hugs)))) Take the time to rest and know that you have been everything and more that your mom hoped for as her daughter. My condolences are with you as you go through this very difficult time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. You're going through so much. I hope you catch a break some time soon. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luckymama Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I am so sorry :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 After sitting by my Mom's side for nearly two weeks, I had to leave two days before she died. Like you, I had constantly told her I loved her. While I wanted to be there at the moment she died, I couldn't. Several months later, I am mostly at peace with that. It is scary. Regardless of whether or not you are part of a faith tradition, think about this; "scared" and "sacred' have the same letters. The moments of birth and death (as well as the moments preceding them) are sacred. They are also the moments in which we are often the most scared. The two seem to go together. It may well be couple of days or so before your Mom dies. Her breathing will get more and more shallow and her breaths will come less frequently. Hospice has great pain meds and anti-anxiety meds. If she's not already on roxanol (sub-lingual morphine) and ativan (they make a gel that can be rubbed on her arm), you might ask the hospice nurse about those. Anyway, this is all to say please go get some rest. You are doing the absolute best you can. Your mother knows you love her. Get some rest so that you can return to sit by her side. Even if she dies while you are gone, you still need to rest. Please know that I am thinking of you. Peace to you and yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelaNYC Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 This brings back many memories - hard, sad, but also now, precious in a way. On the day my father seemed likely to die, a friend told me that when you are with someone who is dying, you are on holy ground. And it helped to keep that in mind - I did feel that. I was there with him when he died, which I was glad of. My sisters were sad they didn't get back in time, but I think it was ok. It will all be okay. It's so exhausting. I know you are mentally and physically and emotionally wiped. My mother's best friend came in towards the end and very matter of factly walked me through what would happen when he passed - how they would take care of the body, whether I should stay for that and see him moved, decisions I would have to make quickly regarding burial and an obituary etc. That really really helped. Even though it sounds awful, to talk about it before it happens, it really helped me when it did happen. I love that woman and hope if you will have someone - Hospice maybe - to help you walk through those details. Hugs to you. This is a terrible time, but I hope you will have the peace you deserve when it is over, knowing you did your best, loved her, supported your father, etc. In the end, I hope you will have very good memories of your mother, and that some of these really hard memories will still be 'good' in a way, as they are for me. How is your older daughter holding up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanier.1765 Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: I can't even read this thread because the loss of my parents is something I can't even bear thinking about. I am so, so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 My grandpa held on, literally, until everyone visited him who was going to visit him. Then, I said my goodbye. I kissed him on the forehead, and I walked out the door to go to the airport. This was before I had a cell phone. When I got home, there was a message on the machine that he died while I was going to the airport. So basically, he died when his last guest left. I am so sorry for all you are going through. (((hugs)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TCB Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I'm so sorry. I am praying for you and your family and will pray that you will know what to do. I don't think that there is 1 right answer for these situations. I'm sure that your mom knows you love her dearly. You have cared for her so wonderfully. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZeldaRules Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 My mom passed away on the first day of spring this year. My dad had been with her the whole day, went to get a bite to eat, and she passed away in those 20 minutes. It is interesting that people choose to die when no one is around, as if they feel bad for making someone experience that.? I'm so sorry you are going through this. (((hugs))). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Echoing other's experiences- my mom and her husband kept vigil over his mom for 2 weeks straight and she chose to leave in the middle of the night while my mom was sleeping and her husband had stepped out of the room to grab a glass of water. My grandmother chose the middle of the night when just 1 aunt was in the room. (((Hugs)))) sleep, rest and eat. Your mom knows you love her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 When my aunt was near the end the hospice nurse said that often the patient chooses the time to let go, and very often it was when family members weren't in the room in order to spare them. Those words were a great comfort to my family when my aunt finally did pass away, because none who had been involved directly in her many months of care were present at the end, although they had just left 20 minutes earlier. When the time came I was there--and ironically I had come to town to cook meals and hold down the fort for the family members as they came and went--and was just in her room to give some company to a friend of the family/nurse who was staying with her during the late night. My friend's father passed away literally as she was pulling into the city limits of their town after a long car drive. My friend is convinced he somehow knew his daughter and granddaughter had made it safely to town and could let go then. So rest and touch bases with your children if you need to, and take comfort in the loving care that you have given your mom in these final days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I'm sorry you're losing your mom. :grouphug: You will all be in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Another Jen Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 My mother in law and my grandmother waited until everyone was out of the room. On the other hand my aunt hung on just for me to be with her. I was pulling into the driveway and the hospice nurse called me to tell me that my aunt had no pulse and was barely breathing. I rushed into the room, held her hand, and she opened her eyes, smiled at me, and died. She had been in almost a coma state for days. It was just like giving birth- it was a real gift to me that she waited for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: In our area (which granted is chock full of retirees), they've begun to train people as death midwives, often through hospice. These are people who help the dying person and the family through the last moments. I have no idea if that's available where you are, but you could ask your hospice group. Your Mom knows that you have been there for her, and I'm sure she appreciates it. You're a great daughter. Be gentle with yourself. I know it's kind of corny, but when thinking about my Dad who has months (if that) to live, I find comfort in the Richard Bach quote, "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I am so very sorry. It sounds very hard, sad, and unnerving. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 My mom passed away on the first day of spring this year. My dad had been with her the whole day, went to get a bite to eat, and she passed away in those 20 minutes. It is interesting that people choose to die when no one is around, as if they feel bad for making someone experience that.? I'm so sorry you are going through this. (((hugs))). So sorry for your loss too vfnelson. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I am so sorry. I have no words of wisdom for you, nor any advice, just *hugs*. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne115 Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I'm so sorry. It is so hard. Prayers for you and your family. Suzanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: A computer hug seems so insufficient. I would give you a real one if I could. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 This is so hard and scary and I don't know what to do. {{{hugs}}}. You've done the very best thing of all. You've devoted time to giving your mom loving care when she needed you. I hope you can take comfort in that fact, whether you are actually present when she passes or not. I've been there. I know it's hard! You and your family will be in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 She knows she is loved. Peace to her, and to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I'm another who can only offer hugs. I suspect your mom is proud of you and grateful for all you have done for her, especially now. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 Hugs and prayers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kjsotr Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I believe like others have said, that sometimes people wait for a last visitor or until a loved one is gone. And sometimes they just need someone to tell them it is okay to let go and stop the pain. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I'm so very sorry for your pain ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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