Critterfixer Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I don't recall seeing anything like this discussed, but it's been jigging around in my head lately. I love my kids. I love teaching my kids. There's very little I don't love about being home, learning, working with them. But I don't love what they love. Oh, I can encourage it. I'll go get them books, I'll look at what they want me to look at, but I just can't get all worked up about ships, hot-air balloons, planetary gears and windmill blades. And somehow, I'm supposed to. Their faces just fall when they realize that once again, they have failed to inspire Mom. I probably look the same way when once again, I've failed to inspire a love of books, or nature. It's frustrating to me. But I don't know how one goes about falling in love with what a child is passionate about. I'm pretty good, I think, about providing resources, and I do try to pay attention. But the love isn't there, and they can sense it, and I think it reflects poorly on my ability to connect. (That's always been a bit of a problem, BTW, but here I think it is a serious impediment to showing them how I do care. I also see it being in the way of having them see what it is to make a decision to care for something that isn't high on their list of passions--like fiction, like math.) Anyway, I'm throwing this out in case anyone has some advice on helping me to develop this aspect of teaching, or mothering...sometimes I think I missed something in that department. I'm somewhat detached, and always have been. At least now, I see that it's a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lieutenant Stranger Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I do not love what my kids love, and personally, I do not have a problem with it. I can be INTERESTED and ask questions, but doubt I will ever *love* things like they do. Would you expect a spouse/partner to start loving something you do? Your friends? Your own parents? I don't. People are people-- we're all different for a reason and that's what makes the world go round. Now, I think you can teach yourself to become INTERESTED, I think you can learn to ask pertinent questions so that you learn about it. But I wouldn't expect for you to love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Their faces just fall when they realize that once again, they have failed to inspire Mom. No advice, only BTDT.... With 4 kiddos who constantly want me to "Look at this, Mom!" and "Listen to this, Mom!" and "Did you know XYZ, Mom??" it gets a bit overwhelming. I love my kids, and I love teaching them too - but I hate it when I disappoint them with a response unequal to their excitement / enthusiasm. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reign Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I would think it is impossible to love everything they love. I would keep doing what your doing and try to let go of some of the momma guilt. I know that is easier said than done. Do you show enthusiasm when they show you their accomplishments? Basically I don't think you need to take up their hobbies to be encouraging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I think you are doing fine. you can be supportive without sharing their passions and it is probably useful as a life lesson. It's an important skill as an adult to be able to gauge interest level in other people when deciding how much to share. If you were suppressing their interests or not providing resources it would be different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymonster Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Struggling with this exact thing. I'm a granola-crunchy vegetarian who wanted to have peaceful protesters for children. Instead I have two awesome sons who love barbarians, Nerf guns, and get military books from the library. We have encyclopedias of guns. They want to learn to hunt. :eek: I’m currently selling my soul to get results. I find that I’m better with feigning interest when I’m getting something out of their current obsessions. For example: My "currency" to get them to do spelling without a fuss? Watching youtube videos of kids who filmed Nerf gun battles for a job well done. How do I get them to do OT for fine motor skills? Mod out their Nerf guns. Next we're going to paint the Nerf guns to look like steam punk weapons. How do I get them to do writing? Let's just say that there *may* be stories being written about my oldest saving people while running through a "hailstorm" of Nerf darts. An amazing amount of chart making, data taking, measurement taking and whatnot are happening because we are now using Nerf guns for math and science. If you want to find something interesting, I’d try to find a way for it to benefit you. Not excited about windmill blades? How about renewable energy? Making renewable energy safe for animals? Economics of energy subsidies? Getting them through math and physics? Lots of wind farms are in real farms... what about the farm to fork movement? Green jobs? There has to be something you can hang your hat on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 It can be hard. One of my daughters has decided she absolutely loves herpetology. Not my cuppa at all, but I thought about it and decided I can use her herp surveying to re-learn photography techniques. Slimy crawly things may not be my favorite subject matter, but it's a real way to combine our interests. I'm still trying to figure out how to engage in my 7yo's video game obsession... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I don't see any reason why I should love what my children love. I am not them. I am me, and I have my own interests. Also, my children are children, and the things that children love are sometimes ... somewhat childish (not always, but sometimes). My children have some interests that we share, and some that we don't. The things we both love happened naturally, not because I changed myself to love their interests. My dd wants me to love Pokemon. I don't. My ds wants me to love Nintendo games. I don't. I think this is perfectly fine. I had tons of interests as a kid that my parents did not share. I didn't have to be just like them or they just like me. I wrote long, elaborate fantasy stories when I was a kid. My mother had no interest in fantasy. I was not harmed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I love my kids, and I love teaching them too - but I hate it when I disappoint them with a response unequal to their excitement / enthusiasm. :( On the other hand, few people will have an equal amount of excitement and enthusiasm for your kids' interests as they have, and that's a good lesson for them to learn. They don't need to be rewarded for their own interest in something; their interest is its own reward. My son often wants to show me glitches in his video games or crazy plays he has made. I look at one and then remind him that I have seen a ton and they all look the same to me. He keeps asking, I keep reminding, we both laugh, and then we move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boscopup Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I don't try. Like Tara mentioned, my parents didn't share the same passions that I did. They just supported me in those passions. I loved horses, so they paid for my riding lessons and hauled me 30 minutes each way to the barn every week. My parents didn't like horses themselves, but they made it possible for me to cultivate my passion and be with like minded kids my age. My boys have all kinds of normal boy interests that I could care less about. And if they start talking pokemon, which I hate, I redirect them to someone who would rather talk pokemon. :lol: I have no desire to try to love what my boys love. It's their love, not mine. I have my own loves that they don't share. We connect in other ways. I've shared Star Trek with them, since I like it and thought they probably would too (I was right!), we all like Piano Guys music, and we enjoy taking walks together. We have things in common, but we don't share all the same passions, and that's completely ok with me. Sorry kid, but I'm not into dinosaurs, Pokemon, or learning the spells used in Harry Potter. Thankfully, my boys have each other to explore these passions with. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted May 22, 2014 Author Share Posted May 22, 2014 I wish I could like Sadie's post a hundred times. That's why. That's exactly what I want the boys to learn and why I have to learn it first. Passions are very much individual things. They are often so intrinsic that they are part of the personality. They are part of what makes the person unique. I've seen first hand the disappointment in their faces when I don't "get" them, and the only reason they don't see more of that out of me is because I long ago decided that no one could "get" me, so why bother? It's taken me many, many years and overcoming a lot of suspicion to form exactly one relationship. Had I known how to articulate my enthusiasm, and how to adapt it to include, I might have had a little less trouble in that area. Learning how to share one's passion, and how to demonstrate love by adapting that passion to include a friend or later a mate is something I aspire to learn for myself, and I'd love to give the boys a leg up on how to do it. In the short term, it's just about a teacher learning to love the learning of her students. I want to show them, with perfect honesty and appreciation, that I love what they are doing and learning. I don't just want to facilitate. I've thought of a few things that I'm trialing this morning for both boys. With my Gearhead, when he brought me the fan he is constructing, I held it, and made it move. He was more pleased than I think I've ever seen him. He likes to demonstrate his inventions for me, but having me hold it up, and work it for myself seemed to be important. For the Balloonatik, that child could talk the legs from out under a table. He likes to tell, tell, tell. So I am working on learning to listen with an ear for how to get him to learn how to have a conversation, instead of just going on for hours. And no. I don't want to take up their passions. I couldn't handle that acting job, and it's their passion. I just want to show them that I recognize their passions as a part of their growing independence and personality, that I love that, and that what they are finding is something that they can learn to share with others when it's appropriate, and when it can demonstrate a willingness to connect with another person. Does that make sense? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I don't want to love what my children love. I try to be interested in them, and to listen (looking at them, asking questions), but their interests do change quickly and they are typical kids and frankly, the "Frozen" song is completely getting on my nerves and it's not that great a song anyhow and I can't stand Lego Ninjago. They're kids, I'm an adult and I feel like it is my job to get them past childhood and not live it with them. So, while I affirm their interests, as long as they are appropriate, I don't feel guilty about not sharing them. Sometimes I feel like I am too consumed by my children and I need my own interests and my own life. Not more of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrysalis Academy Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 And no. I don't want to take up their passions. I couldn't handle that acting job, and it's their passion. I just want to show them that I recognize their passions as a part of their growing independence and personality, that I love that, and that what they are finding is something that they can learn to share with others when it's appropriate, and when it can demonstrate a willingness to connect with another person. Does that make sense? It makes perfect sense, but this is different, I think, than loving what they love. This is respecting their individuality and their interests, and loving that they have a passion, which is different from actually, you know, loving the same thing they do. You do this by respecting it, and by helping them to explore it, and by making time in their schedules for it. And even by facilitating it, sometimes. I respond to different passions in different ways. Some I smile and say, "That's nice" and let them ramble on about, they just need to be heard. Some I buy them books, or lessons, or classes, or sign them up for activities. Some I actively research and learn more about myself. If they are academic, I'll derail my plans to incorporate them, or switch gears entirely. But if they are play, or extracurricular, or something I'm really not that into, I don't require myself to love the passions. I love the kids, and I love that they have passions, and I respect their individuality and their choices. But I don't have to love intricately constructed Breyer horse worlds or digital filmmaking in order to show that love and respect, KWIM? Where we *do* share a passion, I really go for it though - Shakespeare and theater, for instance. Some passions of theirs have led me to learn about things I didn't know much about, like Astronomy. Some have led me to have a deeper appreciation for something I never would have delved into on my own - like Harry Potter as Literature ;) :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 And no. I don't want to take up their passions. I couldn't handle that acting job, and it's their passion. I just want to show them that I recognize their passions as a part of their growing independence and personality, that I love that, and that what they are finding is something that they can learn to share with others when it's appropriate, and when it can demonstrate a willingness to connect with another person. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me. I'm encouraged by your awareness of this habit. It suggests to me you probably do more than you realize, but if you see disappointed faces, perhaps not. In any case, you've made this a goal and I think it's a commendable goal. I will say, it's hard to be excited at what 10 year olds do. They take hours to do something we can get done in a fraction of the time, with a fraction of the mess, and we know to clean up afterward. :glare: I would say simply continue to show interest. Ask them how they solved a particular problem. Ask them what inspired them to think about doing it that way. The more you know about their thoughts, the more you'll know what direction to be focusing your inquiry. One day they'll surprise you with creating a lego garage door opener that really works. Then you won't have to feign interest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebug42 Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 I struggle with this except my problem is that I do share many interests with my oldest daughter which makes it easy. I do not share as many things in common with my younger child so I am constantly afraid that she will feel slighted by me. I just try to show her that I appreciate her accomplishments and how proud I am of her. I find ways to support her with classes, etc, whatever I can do to feed her passions, the same as I do for her sister, even if her pursuits don't interest me as much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penguin Posted May 22, 2014 Share Posted May 22, 2014 Now that I have ADULT children, I really make an effort to find some overlapping interests with these young adults. I don't want our conversations to hinge on family gossip. Or worse, me reminding (nagging) them to take care of something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duckens Posted May 23, 2014 Share Posted May 23, 2014 The other side of the coin is expecting our children to share our passions.I knit. I crochet. I craft. I have shown dd7 how to do some of these things, but I have also made it clear to her that I LOVE to do these things. I specifically tell her that if she doesn't LOVE to do them, that's okay. She will have her own hobbies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted May 23, 2014 Author Share Posted May 23, 2014 I think that is what I want to show them, a willingness to connect. Right now I don't do that well. I think I need to work on it. I want them both to understand what it is to be open, and to realize that just because someone doesn't entirely "get you" it doesn't mean you give up. You find a way to share, to explain, and in doing so you also open yourself to understanding. Long term goal, but I think a worthwhile one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted May 24, 2014 Author Share Posted May 24, 2014 It's the habit of being interested that seems to be the hardest thing for me to cultivate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 My oldest became fascinated with dinosaurs, and that was pretty easy, because I remember rereading the second or third grade science book on dinosaurs and wishing I could learn more. I bought books, took her to the Field Museum to see Sue, and listened to her talk on and on and correct me about dinosaurs. She'd just turned 5 when this hit. Then she became interested in horses, and that was also fairly easy, although I tried to gently discourage it, and actively discourage the idea of getting a horse. But she's taking riding lessons, knows all about them, and knows we will NOT buy her one :D I've even said, "You have to LOVE horses to get a horse. I don't love horses, YOU do. When you grow up and can afford one, I'll happily come over and take care of it when you go out of town :D." My younger daughter loves "tires and wheels." It's harder, but I love to encourage the math and science aspect of things. So when I got new tires on the car I took her back to watch. I point out cars with interesting wheels. We took her to the monster truck show. She enjoys math, so we do math. She counts the number of stuffed animals in her bed. She's particular about how things are arranged. Again, I don't show LOVE, I show interest. What I do love is buying books--so I use these interests to buy books that pertain to their interests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 I think it somewhat depends on how close you are to loving the topic to start with. As a family, we spend a lot of time out in nature, and I enjoy animals, so it was pretty easy to share DD's enthusiasm for snakes, up to a point. I'm not going to grad school to get a degree in herpetology, but going to a lecture on snakes really isn't a hardship for me, either. DH has moved a bit slower in that direction, but is getting there as well (however, part of that is because he can largely live a snake-free life at work. I rarely get any significant snake-free time.) However, if she got into, say, guns, that might be difficult for me to muster any interest for whatsoever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 The Pokemon obsession would have done me in for good. Fire, water, evolve. Oy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walking-Iris Posted May 25, 2014 Share Posted May 25, 2014 This is why I gave up a long time ago trying to combine my children's interests and homeschooling. I don't try any longer. There are certain subjects that must get done, and we just do it. I don't try to make everything focused on their interest. Nor do I try to make them love everything that needs to get done. I also don't try to expand on their interests in any sort of homeschooling way. I realized a long time ago that my children did not want anything turned into a "teachable moment." My oldest can wear me out with the movies and films and things he's interested in. My younger ds can wear me out with the dinosaurs and prehistoric creatures. The best I can do is to make time to listen to them and to care. I don't have to love dinosaurs, but I also try try try really hard not to groan, sigh, or in any way act like I do not want to listen. I'll gladly find books and documentaries. And if asked I'll read a bit aloud. I think OP if you could just have an idea that you'll be present and just listen to them, or have a time where you'll just let them lead and just follow that lead. No need to elaborate, talk, or think about resources to add, or teachable moments that could be capitalized on. They may not be as disappointed. I think children just want the attention and the knowing that their parents care about their unique personality. I think I might scream if asked to sit and watch Walking With Dinosaurs with my ds one more time. But instead of thinking about how bored I am with the show, I just try to focus on sitting and snuggling with my kid and loving his bright brown eyes when he's excited about something. I don't have to care a thing about dinosaurs to appreciate those moments. I think it's similar to when the toddler wants you to work the puzzle with them again and again and again. I think it's fine to put a reasonable limit on it. It might be more difficult for me if my kids ever were interested in anything that deviated far from our family's values and culture. http://www.bravewriter.com/bwl/one-on-one-time/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted May 25, 2014 Author Share Posted May 25, 2014 I guess I should be grateful. I just have to know the names of the sails on tall ships, and what a bevel gear is to half-way please my guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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