S/o bullying: Parents?

[SKL]

I remember being in band and the band teacher decided we weren't going to do any practice one day, we could sit by whomever we wanted and talk and relax.  My biggest bully was unfortunately in band.  She decided to sit next to me (in the front row) and spent the entire period punching me in the thigh (in between telling me how she was going to kill me once she got me alone etc.).  The teacher was right there, and I believe to this day that he saw it and didn't want to deal with it.  Maybe I'm wrong, but how could you not see someone repeatedly punching another person right in front of your face?  Was he waiting for me to tattle?  Or did he think I was actually enjoying the punches?  Maybe he thought the punches were just pretend.  I wonder if he had any idea how long I would remember those 45 minutes.

 

I lived through it.  In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal.  Despite being punched numerous times with her class ring, I did not really get hurt.  It really is hard for one person to physically "harm" a human being.  But still.  The idea of school being a safe place should not sound so unrealistic.

[FaithManor]

I remember being in band and the band teacher decided we weren't going to do any practice one day, we could sit by whomever we wanted and talk and relax.  My biggest bully was unfortunately in band.  She decided to sit next to me (in the front row) and spent the entire period punching me in the thigh (in between telling me how she was going to kill me once she got me alone etc.).  The teacher was right there, and I believe to this day that he saw it and didn't want to deal with it.  Maybe I'm wrong, but how could you not see someone repeatedly punching another person right in front of your face?  Was he waiting for me to tattle?  Or did he think I was actually enjoying the punches?  Maybe he thought the punches were just pretend.  I wonder if he had any idea how long I would remember those 45 minutes.

 

I lived through it.  In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal.  Despite being punched numerous times with her class ring, I did not really get hurt.  It really is hard for one person to physically "harm" a human being.  But still.  The idea of school being a safe place should not sound so unrealistic.

I wish it were true that it's pretty hard for one kid to really hurt another physically. But, I have the calcium deposits on two broken ribs to prove that one middle school student really can kick the crap out of another while teachers and other kids watch and no one intervenes until a brave soul ventures to the school nurse's office and she comes racing out of there screaming for someone to call the police which kind of made the teachers think they might need to save their butts and pull the bully off of me.

 

It is entirely possible for one kid to hurt another that much, and very possible for the other adults to think it's funny too and not care a rat's rear about how desperately you need the ER now. It's entirely possible to spend the day holding yourself and feeling like you can't breath without stabbing pain with the school nurse's words ringing in your ear, "She might have a ruptures spleen. You have to call an ambulance!" while wondering if you are bleeding to death internally sitting in math class because the principal would rather risk you dying than having to admit to the cops what happened on school grounds while some of his faculty idly watched. You then begin to wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to be dead already. Really. What's the point? When you come back tomorrow, hell is still waiting for you. it's easier to die and begins to sound more and more lovely.

 

No, it is not actually that difficult for one kid to hurt another without any weapon other than his or her own fists and feet.

[shawthorne44]

 

 

 these adults just honestly did.not.care. 

 

In puled this from a recent post, but I think it was a subtext in many of the posts.  

I believe it to be true.  Noticing or caring would mean they would have to DO something.  

Better to let someone else suffer,  

[ocelotmom]

I never told my parents, I thought this is just what kids did.  Some kids were nice some were mean and that's that.  On some things I told the teacher who did what he could.    As a parent now I call the bully on it when I witness something.  Or go straight to parents.  

 

Same here. I can't say the thought of telling my parents ever really crossed my mind. I suppose, when it comes down to it, it was a combination of feeling ashamed and not feeling there was anything they could do about it. But that wasn't my conscious thought process. We've always been a pretty private family and not big on feeling-sharing, and I'm sure that's a big part of it.

[SKL]

Does anyone think it goes back to the grey line between "tattling" and "asking for help with something important"?

 

My kid tends to tattle in school over things I consider ... unnecessary to tattle about.  I talk to her about it and she says that's what they told her to do.  So I think, eventually they will clarify this, or the teachers will go crazy.  About a month ago she cried in aftercare because the monitor (who is a granny) snapped at her to stop tattling.  (Another little girl had said "I won't be your friend" or some such.)  When she returned from crying in the restroom, the monitor made the other girl apologize.  However, I can see her getting exasperated after a point.  My kid truly thinks she is supposed to tell every time another child upsets her.

 

I remember this always being a dilemma for me when I was young.  They always told you both "don't tattle" and "if someone is bothering you, don't retaliate, tell the teacher."  Once I had to wear a paper donkey tail ("tattle-tail") for doing what I thought I was supposed to do in the 1st grade.  Maybe adults think the line is clear, but it really isn't.  (Needless to say, I never told the teacher on another student again.)

[Ravin]

I told my mother. In elementary it led to sending me to private school starting in 5th. In high school she tried to give advice for coping, and that helped. She always gave sympathy and encouraged me to be myself, but would be dismayed when I wouldn't give people a chance, as I assumed if we had nothing in common they wouldn't like me. I was an accelerated/gt student and some of the best things she did were to keep trying to meet those needs, which tended to lead to better social environments for me.

 

I don't think I told her about the harassment senior year, maybe because she had plenty of other problems of her own (my parents marriage was miserable then), but I also never felt in danger from that, and I did attempt to involve school officials (who didn't take it seriously) and defended younger students.

 

I also had some sense of it being my own fault as I'd come out as gay (small town, 1994-5,no one had before me).

[Heather in Neverland]

I want to thank you all for sharing your stories. I am trying to wrap my head around it all... all the pain in these stories breaks my heart. I want to do all I can to provide a safe school environment and this is an aspect of bullying that I was not really familiar with. I'm going to do all I can to make sure kids have someone to go to. I'm not sure how yet. Still processing.

[Carrie12345]

I wasn't seriously bullied in school, but there was one situation in which I was truly scared of a former best friend.  My mother's response was "You'll be fine. Go to school."
Had the situation continued or others come up, there's no way I'd have bothered to tell her.