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acablue
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It was suggested in the "catch-all" thread that the dads start a thread of our own, so here goes. Hopefully some of the other dads will jump in and help answer any questions that come up. 

 

I'll go ahead and answer the first question from the other thread: 

Sean (and any other dads reading), I'm very interested to know please, what kind of reactions you get as a home schooling dad. I have read that men who work as stay at home dads don't get much respect. But in my personal experience at home educating gatherings, any home schooling dads seem to be viewed almost as superheroes for doing the same work as home schooling mums do.

 

I was a stay at home dad before I started homeschooling, and I can confirm that stay a home dads have it rough. For every stay at home mom who invited me along to a park play date or working dad who said he'd love to be able to spend that much time with his kids, there were a few who thought I was creepy for wanting to hang around my kids and their friends, and a bunch who thought my kids would be better off if I got a job and hired a nanny. 

 

I've gotten a huge range of responses when people find out that I homeschool, but most have been positive. When I tell people that I homeschool my kids, the typical response is "You mean your wife does, right?" After I make it clear that I do, in fact, stay at home every day and teach the kids, I often get the superhero responses. But, it really isn't that different than the extra praise that dads get for doing things that moms do every day. Doctors are usually surprised that I actually know my kids' medical histories. Last month, when I flew to Florida with the kids, the flight attendants and several passengers gushed about what a great dad I am to be able to handle all three kids on my own. 

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One of the struggles I went through in deciding to home-school my boys had to do with giving up my earning power. As the years have gone by I've given up more and more of that to stay home, and sometimes I fret about that. Sometimes I don't feel I'm living up to the potential I trained for, other days I'm more comfortable with my choice.

As a stay at home dad who home-educates, is this a concern for you, and if so, what are some good ways to deal with it? 

 

And glad you started this thread.

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Are the wives equally happy with the arrangement, or would they rather be home if the situation allowed?

 

And, did the arrangement come about because of a greater income of the wife?  Or for another reason?

 

I have to admit, I do think that I look on men that fulfill the role that a mother usually does as pretty extra-ordinary.  Not to say that I think they deserve greater accolades, but it's just so rare (in my world) that a dad is so involved in their kids lives. 

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Here's another few questions:

How can homeschooling mothers encourage fathers to be more involved in education?

What do you find to be the most challenging thing about homeschooling?

What do you like best about being the main educator for your children?

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One of the struggles I went through in deciding to home-school my boys had to do with giving up my earning power. As the years have gone by I've given up more and more of that to stay home, and sometimes I fret about that. Sometimes I don't feel I'm living up to the potential I trained for, other days I'm more comfortable with my choice.

As a stay at home dad who home-educates, is this a concern for you, and if so, what are some good ways to deal with it?

 

And glad you started this thread.

I can relate to what you are saying even though it wasn't directed at me. When I stopped working and not "using" all the education I worked so hard for, people would make a few off handed comments about how much I could make if we both worked. First, of all I do work. I did so even before I homeschooled and secondly it is none of their business as long as it is ok with my husband and myself. I want to encourage the OP to remember that. If your wife and yourself are ok with it, then it's nobody's business. When they start paying your bills, then they can get a say.

 

I do have to admit that I have myself have thought about where I might be career wise if I kept working outside the home. After that I come back to reality and think about what I have poured into my kids that I couldn't have if I didn't stay home. I remember those long days working as a tax accountant and dragging myself home. I remember thinking back then that I don't know how I could juggle a family and that job. It was hard finding time for my husband when we were dating. I can't imagine it now.

 

Besides all that, what better way is there to use your time and talents than your kids. Sean, keep doing what your doing. People always act a little different when you're doing something outside the norm. It used to be that with homeschool here when I first started. Now when someone tries to get me a job I'm not looking for or asks the same question about if I'm going to put the kids in school, I just try to roll my eyes and ignore it.

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My dh said I could share his answers. :)

 

He was a SAHD and primary homeschooler in our family (I did all the planning and he put it into practice) for about 4 years. I have more earning power but we both worked. I worked during the day while he schooled the kids and then he worked afternoons and I would finish up what was left over. That is not our arrangement anymore but when it was it worked really well and we both liked it!

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Besides corresponding possibly with other homeschool dads on the board, have you met any IRL? I've only ever met one, and he actually shared the responsibilities for education with his wife. He had a dental practice that allowed him to be flexible with his time so he taught math, science, Latin, and foreign language (he'd lived overseas for several years and was bi-lingual), and his wife who worked part-time taught reading/literature, English, writing, history, and fine arts. I've never met a full time homeschooling dad IRL.

 

As for the loss of earning power and career status, I get that completely. I was poised to have a successful career as a professional pianist when it became necessary for us to make alternative plans for dd's education. My job didn't have health benefits attached and dh's did. I left my career behind and four kids later will not be able to recover. I'll be 50 when the last one graduates so there is no way to recoup the lost earnings nor ever enter that career path again. I'm okay with it because it was what was best for the kids. But, some days I do struggle just a little in that area. I'm going to be starting out fresh and with very little time left to build a music career will probably have to choose something else. As a rather driven musician, I can honestly say that I think I'm going to have a hard time adjusting at first.

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Besides corresponding possibly with other homeschool dads on the board, have you met any IRL? I've only ever met one, and he actually shared the responsibilities for education with his wife. He had a dental practice that allowed him to be flexible with his time so he taught math, science, Latin, and foreign language (he'd lived overseas for several years and was bi-lingual), and his wife who worked part-time taught reading/literature, English, writing, history, and fine arts. I've never met a full time homeschooling dad IRL.

 

We have two homeschooling dads in our circle.  Both have PhDs.  Both are unschoolers (well, actually one has now sent his kids to school, but he was till just recently... the other is still homeschooling his ds who is 13 now.)

 

I once asked one of the dads if he got a hard time for being a SAHD.  My mom, now that she's decided I'm not ruining the kid's educations after all by hsing, often uses that tack that I have given up my income and what a waste and how all the women in our family have always worked etc. etc.  I said, you must get those kinds of attitudes/comments even more as a man and one who has such an advanced degree.  He said, nope, no one (including his family) had ever bothered him about that.  Well, that's just not fair.  ;) :lol:

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This strikes me as rather patronizing.  You are kinda being that person he has mentioned having to deal with.

 

I doubt you meant it, but yeah.  Like oh you are a homeschool DAD?  How cute.  How novel.  Aren't you just the curiosity. 

tsk, tsk....

 

I've responded with something similar on another "ask a" thread and that was no doubt written by a Mom.  So, was I patronizing her too?  Hmmmmm..................

 

Really, wake up and try not to incite flames where none exist.

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tsk, tsk....

 

I've responded with something similar on another "ask a" thread and that was no doubt written by a Mom.  So, was I patronizing her too?  Hmmmmm..................

 

Really, wake up and try not to incite flames where none exist.

 

I also read it as condescending.

 

My DH is a SAHD.  He's been asked if he's just giving the nanny a break.  He's been told just how awesome he is for taking the kids to the park and other basic things SAHMs do all the time.  No one has really questioned his ability to home school though.

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Are the wives equally happy with the arrangement, or would they rather be home if the situation allowed?

 

And, did the arrangement come about because of a greater income of the wife?  Or for another reason?

 

I have to admit, I do think that I look on men that fulfill the role that a mother usually does as pretty extra-ordinary.  Not to say that I think they deserve greater accolades, but it's just so rare (in my world) that a dad is so involved in their kids lives. 

 

As a wife of a SAH-Homeschooling-Dad I can say definitively I am happy with the arrangement, and I wouldn't rather be home.  I am the planner and researcher.  I love love love to plan and research. 

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It's not really unusual for a Dad to be involved with his kids in my area. It is, however, unusual for me to see a Dad involved in education.

That said, my own father was involved in my education when I was home-schooled, more so than when I was in private, public school or in college. I remember that being a particularly trying time, and we were almost constantly arguing over work. He was in charge of math and writing, and since we are both creative writers, you can only imagine how fiery those exchanges could be!

I hated it.

Paradoxically, I believe I  have a better and deeper relationship with my Dad than any of my other siblings. And I'd chalk that up to having to deal with him as a teacher, as well as Dad.

 

I'd honestly LOVE to see my DH come on board as a regular "teacher" with the boys for certain subjects. He's quite possibly the most patient person I know when it comes to walking the boys through a math concept. We are not really in a position right now where he can do that, but I am really hoping to get to that place where he has the time and energy to act as the teacher more often. Sometimes I think he's afraid he might be stepping all over my turf, and I really want him to be more at ease.

So that's why I asked about encouraging fathers to take an active role in education. I think it's important. I know it is. 

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Thanks for starting this thread.

 

Did you always plan on homeschooling? 

No, homeschooling was not really on our radar until our boys were 3 years old. All three of our kids were adopted as infants/toddlers, and we worked with an attachment therapist who recommended against sending the boys to preschool. We "homeschooled" preschool a little and when it came time to send our oldest to kindergarten homeschooling seemed like a more natural choice. 

 

One of the struggles I went through in deciding to home-school my boys had to do with giving up my earning power. As the years have gone by I've given up more and more of that to stay home, and sometimes I fret about that. Sometimes I don't feel I'm living up to the potential I trained for, other days I'm more comfortable with my choice.

As a stay at home dad who home-educates, is this a concern for you, and if so, what are some good ways to deal with it? 

 

And glad you started this thread.

This has been a concern of mine off and on over the years, but I'm okay with it at this point. 

 

I felt that I had to stay home for the first 5 years after our oldest was born. It was the best decision for all three kids. In my field, those 5 years are huge, and even going back to work then would have been very difficult. 

 

Are the wives equally happy with the arrangement, or would they rather be home if the situation allowed?

 

And, did the arrangement come about because of a greater income of the wife?  Or for another reason?

 

I have to admit, I do think that I look on men that fulfill the role that a mother usually does as pretty extra-ordinary.  Not to say that I think they deserve greater accolades, but it's just so rare (in my world) that a dad is so involved in their kids lives. 

I don't have a wife, but my husband is very happy with the arrangement, and has never expressed any interest in staying home. He was more established in his career, and is much more ambitious and passionate about his work than I ever was, so it was not a particularly tough decision for us to make. 

 

Here's another few questions:

How can homeschooling mothers encourage fathers to be more involved in education?

What do you find to be the most challenging thing about homeschooling?

What do you like best about being the main educator for your children?

My husband is fairly involved in our kids' education, and I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that he really enjoys it. He is not responsible for any specific subjects, but he's much more knowledgeable about writing, literature, history, politics, etc. than I am, so he takes over some of the teaching in those areas. He reads to the kids every evening and their discussions have started to turn into something special. He and our oldest spend hours every weekend just writing stories and poems, and he's taught our younger son more about WWII than any 8 year old should know. Sometimes, the kids like to "save" our science experiments or art projects for when Dad is home, and he joins in without complaint, but they really aren't his thing, and he wouldn't do them unless he was asked. So, I guess my advice would be to create opportunities for him to jump in, in areas that he enjoys and feels in which he feels confident. 

 

For me, the most challenging part about homeschooling is knowing how much to push and how tough to be, especially with my youngest. She's a tricky one. 

 

I think the thing I enjoy most about homeschooling is being able to spend this much time with my kids, and not missing a thing. I know that some parents (my husband included) need a break from their kids in order to be a great parent, but I don't think I'd be able to do it.

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Is it a situation of necessity, or choice?  If you (and your wife, if you have one) could choose, would you prefer to work while she stays home?

It was a choice. My husband and I are both very happy with the situation as it is.  

 

Besides corresponding possibly with other homeschool dads on the board, have you met any IRL? I've only ever met one, and he actually shared the responsibilities for education with his wife. He had a dental practice that allowed him to be flexible with his time so he taught math, science, Latin, and foreign language (he'd lived overseas for several years and was bi-lingual), and his wife who worked part-time taught reading/literature, English, writing, history, and fine arts. I've never met a full time homeschooling dad IRL.

I have met exactly one full-time homeschooling dad whose wife works full-time outside the home, and one who splits homeschooling duties with his wife while both work from home. Neither live close enough to get together with on a regular basis, but it is helpful to know that there are some homeschooling dads out there. 

 

My only question Sean, is do you watch Big Bang Theory faithfully? 

 

I do.  Love that show!

Yes! I'm slightly obsessed. Except now my kids are balking at studying geology...

 

Are you part of a home school group? If so , how are you treated at activities? If it is mostly or all moms there with their kids, do they include you in conversation? Or are you treated like an outsider?

We are not part of a homeschool group. My kids have attended a homeschool science class for the last two years and we've made a couple good friends through the class, but I'm definitely a little on the outside in group situations. 

 

We have two homeschooling dads in our circle.  Both have PhDs.  Both are unschoolers (well, actually one has now sent his kids to school, but he was till just recently... the other is still homeschooling his ds who is 13 now.)

 

I once asked one of the dads if he got a hard time for being a SAHD.  My mom, now that she's decided I'm not ruining the kid's educations after all by hsing, often uses that tack that I have given up my income and what a waste and how all the women in our family have always worked etc. etc.  I said, you must get those kinds of attitudes/comments even more as a man and one who has such an advanced degree.  He said, nope, no one (including his family) had ever bothered him about that.  Well, that's just not fair.  ;) :lol:

:lol:  I don't have a PhD, and the only family members who've gotten on me about wasting my earning potential and education have been making fun of my lack of both. In my family, I'm a black sheep because I only have one degree, so my dad and siblings tease me about how I might as well stay home and "babysit" because that's all I'm good for. My mom has a PhD, but stayed home for about ten years when I was little, so I'll have to ask her what type of reactions she got. 

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:lol:  I don't have a PhD, and the only family members who've gotten on me about wasting my earning potential and education have been making fun of my lack of both. In my family, I'm a black sheep because I only have one degree, so my dad and siblings tease me about how I might as well stay home and "babysit" because that's all I'm good for. My mom has a PhD, but stayed home for about ten years when I was little, so I'll have to ask her what type of reactions she got. 

Yet if you were headmaster of a very small and very exclusive, highly academic and classical private school, they'd think you were a god. Do that for your own kids and you're a babysitter. If you do chat with your Mom about her experience as a PhD SAHM I'd love to hear the update!

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At least my family doesn't tease me. :sad:

Ah, I think my post came across a little harsher than I meant it to. My family is one that loves to tease. It's all in good fun. 

 

So do you have the trivia game?  :laugh:

 

Although I'm itching for them to come out with new cards.

Yep, we have the trivia game and the Big Bang Theory version of Clue. None of us are really into board games, so I think we've only played each one two or three times. 

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I have intermittently read this forum over the past few years.  I figure this thread is my cue to register an account and respond.

 

Thanks for starting this thread.

 

Did you always plan on homeschooling? 

 

We did not always plan on homeschooling. Our boys were not homeschooled and our eldest daughter attended a classical education private school from kindergarten through sixth grade.  She then moved to a charter school within a school in seventh grade and we transitioned into what would be technically considered home bound education for medical reasons.  We used public school curriculum but taught ourselves instead of using the homebound tutor.  Her mom and I split up the instruction and added in our own topics as we went along. We both really enjoyed the process and felt that we connected with our daughter on a deeper level.  Our daughter  added in a few on campus courses/sections when her health improved partway through eighth grade.  By the time she started her freshman year she doing very well but there was still some uncertainty.  She was also very busy with activities and adequate sleep was non-negotiable.  She acknowledged that learning had been so much more efficient at home but she wanted the social aspects of school as well.  Her guidance counselor essentially used her gifted IEP to allow us to create an alternative educational plan that incorporated a mix of on campus courses, independent study courses, some true home school courses, and a few courses through our local four year university.  We are currently working on similar, yet very different, hybrid charter approaches with gifted IEPs for our younger daughters. 

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One of the struggles I went through in deciding to home-school my boys had to do with giving up my earning power. As the years have gone by I've given up more and more of that to stay home, and sometimes I fret about that. Sometimes I don't feel I'm living up to the potential I trained for, other days I'm more comfortable with my choice.

As a stay at home dad who home-educates, is this a concern for you, and if so, what are some good ways to deal with it? 

 

 

 

My wife and currently share responsibility for home education.  We truly believe this is the best option for our children but it also has allowed both of us to maintain our current careers with a few sacrifices.  

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Are the wives equally happy with the arrangement, or would they rather be home if the situation allowed?

 

And, did the arrangement come about because of a greater income of the wife?  Or for another reason?

 

I have to admit, I do think that I look on men that fulfill the role that a mother usually does as pretty extra-ordinary.  Not to say that I think they deserve greater accolades, but it's just so rare (in my world) that a dad is so involved in their kids lives. 

 

1.)I think my wife is generally happy with the arrangement. As parents we share the responsibility for raising, nurturing, and educating our children.  Usually we are able to adjust our schedules to allow one of us to be home with the children at all times.  Occasionally that just is not possible and we are fortunate to have family able and willing to step in. Life has been hard at various points over the past few years and I think that has sometimes caused her to internalize much more "mommy guilt" than is deserved.  I try to challenge and dispel that to the best of my ability.

 

2.)Our incomes are quite comparable so that was not a strong deciding factor.  We are also both involved in careers which require maintaining some ongoing connection in order to maintain licensure and privileges.  For career purposes, both of us maintaining a presence in our respective careers is best. More importantly we believe that it is necessary for both of us to maintain a strong connection with our children and our arrangement supports that.  

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My husband has always worked full time from home writing computer software and taught math and science when the older girls were at the Jr. High and High School levels. He's now teaching our 8 year old science.  He teaches/taught them in the evenings several times a week and sometimes on the weekends.

 

Considering homeschooling as an option was criteria for anyone I married so he was open to the idea from the beginning.

 

We respect each other's territory.  S/he who does the actual teaching chooses the schedule and curriculum.  We talk about our goals and concerns in general, but we don't tell each other what to do or how to do it.

 

NOTE* My brother was a single dad with joint custody and a compressed work week and it's hard for a dad to socialize with young ones.  Everything is geared to at home moms so it was hard on him.

 

My step-dad was a single dad with sole custody of his 3 kids in the late 60s and early 70s and when people gushed over him for the years he raised his kids alone he would ask, "Would you say that if I were a woman? "

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I have intermittently read this forum over the past few years.  I figure this thread is my cue to register an account and respond.

Welcome to the forum, Evan! Thanks for jumping in. 

 

I have to ask this. I am a European myself, and reading stuff online may have given me a warped view of the US. Do you live in a progressive area? Do you have a progressive homeschool group, or aren't you involved in homeschool groups at all? Do you encounter homophobia within the homeschooling community?

We live in an area of the country that is progressive (within 80 miles of NYC), but our town is more average, I suppose.

 

We do not belong to a homeschool group. The nearest secular group is about 45 minutes away, and we are not interested in joining a Christian group. My kids do take a homeschool science class from a Christian organization that serves students of all religious backgrounds, but I haven't felt the need to inform the director or their teachers of my sexual orientation. It isn't relevant. I am friends with a few of the moms, so I'm sure most of them know, but I haven't had any issues. 

 

I have generally encountered very little outright homophobia from women, and haven't noticed any more or any less from homeschoolers. 

 

OP, are your kids adopted?

Yes.

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my brother is a SAHD, and he gets quite a bit of backlash because it isn't common to see that situation around here.  But it is becoming more so over time. He and his wife made the best decision for their family.  I think his wife gets judged as well because she openly admits that she could not stay home with the kids.  I think it is great that they do what works for them and what makes them all happiest instead of trying to conform. 

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Do you plan to homeschool your kids all the way through? 
When you finish homeschooling, do you think you'll go back to work? 

Have your kids noticed/commented on the fact that the other homeschooling parents are all women? Do they seem to mind?

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OP, are your kids adopted?

I'm sorry, but that is one rude question. Do you always walk up to people you don't know and ask if their kids are adopted, or is that something you only do when you're not face to face? It seems some people forget certain level of decorum when posting online.

 

 

 

We do not belong to a homeschool group. The nearest secular group is about 45 minutes away, and we are not interested in joining a Christian group.

I drive an hour and 10 minutes to our secular co-op once a week. It's worth it to me to be around like minded people.

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I'm curious how the homeschooling role translates into housekeeping role. My exdh was always a better housekeeping than me, even while working full-time. Before ds was born I worked full-time and would often come home to dinner planned and clean laundry. It was really hard when expectations changed because I was home full time. He had more earning power than me, otherwise we might have considered him being a SAHD for a while. 

 

So, does housekeeping fall more to you? Split equally? 

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We do not belong to a homeschool group. The nearest secular group is about 45 minutes away, and we are not interested in joining a Christian group. 

 

I've been driving 45 minutes to our hs activities for the past 10 years. The only group in my city requires a statement of faith. I found the drive to be totally worth it. Ds at sixteen is still friends with some of those kids he met in the secular group when he was six.

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Do you plan to homeschool your kids all the way through? 

When you finish homeschooling, do you think you'll go back to work? 

Have your kids noticed/commented on the fact that the other homeschooling parents are all women? Do they seem to mind?

At this point, I expect that we will homeschool all three kids through 8th grade, then they will attend public high school. I'm open to other options, but I can't see my kids staying at home for high school. 

 

I suppose I'll get a job at that point, but I haven't put much thought into it. 

 

My oldest is very aware that it's "weird" for a dad to homeschool, but he somehow has it in his head that homeschool moms yell a lot (thanks to one mom we know) and make their kids do a lot of work (thanks to my mom, who took over for a couple weeks while I was sick), so he doesn't mind. My other kids tend to be oblivious to the world. 

I drive an hour and 10 minutes to our secular co-op once a week. It's worth it to me to be around like minded people.

 

I've been driving 45 minutes to our hs activities for the past 10 years. The only group in my city requires a statement of faith. I found the drive to be totally worth it. Ds at sixteen is still friends with some of those kids he met in the secular group when he was six.

 

Thanks for sharing this. I've thought about joining, but we really had enough going on this year. Definitely something to keep in mind though. 

I'm curious how the homeschooling role translates into housekeeping role. My exdh was always a better housekeeping than me, even while working full-time. Before ds was born I worked full-time and would often come home to dinner planned and clean laundry. It was really hard when expectations changed because I was home full time. He had more earning power than me, otherwise we might have considered him being a SAHD for a while. 

 

So, does housekeeping fall more to you? Split equally? 

I end up handling most of the daily housekeeping. He does his own ironing, because I hate it, but the majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry falls to me. Bigger projects are split more evenly, because we leave them to the weekend. 

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Do you plan to homeschool your kids all the way through? 

When you finish homeschooling, do you think you'll go back to work? 

Have your kids noticed/commented on the fact that the other homeschooling parents are all women? Do they seem to mind?

 

1.)We plan to do what we feel is best for our children through their high school years.  Currently our hybrid approach is working well, but it is a bit fluid and we think it needs to be.  We will continue to adapt the process to meet the needs of our children as they grow.

 

2.)I work currently.  I do adapt and adjust what I can take on at work to allow for what I need to take on at home.  I do what I need to do to allow me to be an involved and present father to our children.  Homeschooling is a smaller piece of that bigger puzzle.

 

3.)Our children do not believe that the other homeschooling parents are all women, or that they should be.  

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I'm curious how the homeschooling role translates into housekeeping role. My exdh was always a better housekeeping than me, even while working full-time. Before ds was born I worked full-time and would often come home to dinner planned and clean laundry. It was really hard when expectations changed because I was home full time. He had more earning power than me, otherwise we might have considered him being a SAHD for a while. 

 

So, does housekeeping fall more to you? Split equally? 

 

My wife and I both take responsibility for some household obligations overall. This is predetermined and mutually agreeable.  Additionally when we are home with the children we take on the daily primary responsibility for assisting and supervising children with chores, household maintenance, meal preparation, and laundry on those days.  We also have hired additional contractual cleaners who do most of the deep cleaning tasks.

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