Accelerated learners and their siblings

[beansprouts]

I am sure this topic has been visited here before. Maybe I should pay more attention to this forum ;)

 

I have three children. My daughter has always been very precocious. My 4yo ds is very bright and perceptive, probably gifted athletically but academically is not in the same place dd was at that age. He also *can't* be pushed, he's emotionally too fragile. I need to handle him very gently. Right behind him I have 2 y.o. ds who is very much like (and perhaps even more than) dd at that age.

 

I know it is way too early to make a judgement about my 4 year old. He could very well blossom academically in another year or so and blow his siblings away. Even if he doesn't, I think he will be a normal bright kid who won't have any major problems with school - unless he gets discouraged. But if he progresses through his studies at a normal rate, and 2yo ds progresses at the rate of his older sister, I may end up with both boys at similar levels. How will 4 yo ds feel about this?

 

I would love to hear your experience with this type of scenario.

[Nissi]

This is from a Christian perspective - my oldest is precocious, high IQ, highly gifted, driven, and intense. He makes very interesting company. My younger one is very bright, detail oriented, street smart, with a great sense of humor. He is very affectionate and can be charming but very competitive. He would constantly compare himself to his older brother and end up feeling less intelligent. Though I repeatedly told him that God gives different gifts and talents to different people, he was never totally satisfied with my answers. Recently, I told him that God has a specific plan for his life which was different from God's plan for his brother and that God had given him all that he gifts and talents that he needed to fulfill whatever plan that God had for his life.

It seems to me that somehow this has spoken to him and helped him to feel confident about who he is. I hope I am not vague. We had a lot more conversations about the diversity of people in a society, how we make a great whole when we all work co-operatively together, and how we are all interdependent on each other, and for the need for mutual respect and admiration.

HTH!

Nissi

[debbielong]

I read a comment, in Siblings Without Rivalry (by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish) that stuck with me.

 

The authors say that how we speak about our children can unintentionally create competition between them. For example, when one child is described as "my smart one" and another described as "my athletic one," these labels preclude the opportunity for the non-smart or non-athletic child to break out of her category.

 

Everybody is different. Like a previous poster, I, too, come from a Christian perspective that says these differences are intentional and serve a greater purpose.

 

Our oldest is extremely bright. One of the reasons we are homeschooling is that I don't want him in school where he will get unwarranted accolades for how God made him. He did nothing to deserve this intelligence - and it serves no purpose unless it it used for good. We don't make a huge deal out of his academic successes at home that emerge as a result of his intelligence (such as what level math he is working on). We only offer praise for outcomes that are a result of hard work or a lot of thinking.

 

How you speak about and to your accelerated students will have a big impact on how your non-accelerated student feels about who he is.

 

Debbie Long

[beansprouts]

You are both right. I guess I knew the answer all along.

 

I do find it fascinating to note the similarities and differences between my children and to speculate about what God's plan might be for each of them. I need to be careful about vocalizing my thoughts. My dd has already caught me commenting about 4yo ds's mobility. She is athletic too... but she wasn't riding a two-wheeler at 3 1/4 years old. She was too busy learning to read and play the piano :lol: I need to reign in those types of comments and just let them be who they are without trying to conform to human expectations.

 

Thank you!

[Scuff]

Great question! I'm interested in the answers. My just turned 4yo dd is already sounding out short words and wants to learn to read, but almost 6yo dd is still working on long vowel sounds. 6yo isn't behind, just average and already thinks of herself as not-so-smart because she doesn't know as much as her 7yo brother. It doesn't help that she loves to teach, and is teaching the 4yo all she knows. :)

[lighthouseacademy]

My dad and stepmom had a set of twins and a daughter and then me who were all very bright but all different and all had slightly different places we excelled in and some overlapping. In the case of the twins, one didn't read until 12 and severely dyslexic. He is by FAR the most intelligent of all 4 of us but was hampered by not reading even though he got straight "A's" even though he didn't read...

My stepmom's #1 rule (she had two) was no comparing! (the other was talk nice). So, if anyone BEGAN to compare abilities or color of cup or quantity of food, etc instantly we were reminded that the number one rule was no comparing.

I think it worked. We are all great friends and the twins have an incredible relationship and always have.

[purplecow7]

First - most research will tell you that most siblings have IQ's within 5 pts of each other. The issue usually comes into play with regards to school GT services and the cut off score so if one sibling has an IQ of 134 gets services and a child who has say 130 will not if the cut off score is 132 - yet both children are gifted.

 

Second - your situation sounds similiar to mine my first child hit all his milestone very early. For example he was reading at 3. Now my second dd - she could care less about reading at 3 but she dropped her training wheels on her bike - almost before her older brother (he is 21 months older). Now when dd was around 5 - she said "mom I have read all the books in my room and well she had. Somewhere along the line of juggle her and her older brother and the new twin additions she taught herself to read.

 

I now have a 9 year old ds who has been tested and is PG and a 7 dd and 4 year old g/b twins. Each one I beleive is gifted and since they will all be in PS they will probable all get tested so someday I will "officially" know. But for now we just assume that they all are.

 

To answer your question about grade levels - one of the things that I have learned about gifted children is that they are not all gifted in the same areas. My oldest is amazing at math, good at reading, and not so good in writing. Actually his younger sister is a better writer then he is.

 

The point is that we stress will all the children is everyone develops and learns at different rates it does not make one person better then the other it is like one person has green eyes and the other has brown. One can read chapter books and one can read early readers (my 4.5 year twins are at this point). Besides this we stress it is the trying that matters not the actually doing or being able to do it that matters.

 

Not sure if this answers your question or not. Oh and also there are studies that say most people don't believe the second child is as gifted as the first because their development becomes the new normal I know we were guilty of this with my second - until she entered first grade and then it seems like she became gifted over night. lol

 

Jean

[LisaKinVA]

Not one of them is like another. All took unique paths in their developmental process.

 

Oldest reached physical milestones very early (cruisng at 6mos, etc.), had incredible social and verbal skills from a very young age, no question about this child. Some of the connections he'd make were downright scary. Nothing like a 3.5yo who can "uninstall" Norton Internet Security, completely by-passing protection passwords and parental controls (UGH!)

 

2nd child reached physical milestones earlier than average, but nothing shockingly so. Verbal abilities seemed "average," but soon began to develop an amazing talent with drawing at a very early age (very detailed, recognizable pictures, etc.). She was about 2.5 she would recite the same poems our Kindergartener was learning (she picked this all up by listening in on lessons). I sat up and took notice. It wasn't long before she began to pick up on math. She's no early reader, but when she does read it's very expressive. She grasps math concepts much faster as well.

So, while initially I would have said she wasn't as "gifted" as older brother -- we have since concluded that she is at least *as gifted" as older brother, and possibly more so in math.

 

3rd child reached physical milestones earlier than average, but nothing shockingly so. We were hopeful HE would be our "normal" child. NOPE. Keen sense of humor, understaning jokes well above what his age group "should" get. He's also the one who experiments with everything. We swear this will be the child to blow up the chemistry lab:tongue_smilie:. He was also the one who mastered safety gates around 18 months, and figured out how to dissasemble the safety door handles -- so that nothing would be in his way. He's my early reader. He "gets" math, but right now all I'm really working with him on is fine motor skills. In this area he's a bit delayed. But there is NOTHING wrong with his brain.

 

4th child is just two. We knew we "had another one" when I was getting the family ready to head to the ped's office and told the older children to get their shoes on. Out walks my 10mo. old with a pair of flip flops (older sister's), puts them on the correct feet and heads to the door. Most 10mo. olds aren't walking, let alone wearing flip flops and putting them on their own feet. She's still very different. She compreheds well above her age -- will sit still for 30 minutes of reading one story, and beg for more. She doesn't use nearly as much language/vocab as any of the others at this age, but it's growing quickly.

 

How do we "deal?" pretty much the same way others here have expressed. Stress the ways they each excel. Celebrate their uniqueness -- and work to encourage an environment where my children both challenge one another and celebrate each other's achievements. The only child I have that is difficult in this way is my second (dd, 6.5). She *does not* like to lose. She *always* wants to beat her older brother (get more right, do more, do better, blah, blah, blah)... so she gets most of the lectures on NOT celebrating when others do poorly, and working to help and encourage each other.

 

It's not easy -- ever. They are all so different, and need different things in different ways. Eventually, I hope to figure it out. But the reality is my children will probably keep mystifying me and defying my pre-conceived notions about who they are and what they can do.

[love2read]

Great answers and I can't really add to them. In our family we've had some children whose talents resulted in their not being very interested in their studies. The kids who shine academically actually feel a little inferior to the kids who are accomplished in sports or music or art. I never would have predicted that. So, don't be too concerned with how things will turn out. If you help all of them develop their interests and try to give equal attention, they'll be fine. They'll have to be because it's obvious you're a good mama since you're thinking about this already :grouphug:

[bairnmama]

This thread has been really helpful to me. I can see my dd getting upset that her brother may be passing her academically and she has already started laughing at him when he actually acts his age. Dd 7 has struggled severly with reading and math, but her oral vocabulary is about 4th grade level. She excels with personal communication and understanding but can't do anything with pencil and paper. On the other hand, ds 3 came to me (while still only 2) and showed me how to make a hexagon by putting together 2 trapezoids, and called it a hexagon by name! He is now starting to 'help' her with words she's having trouble figuring out and making connections that simply astound me - like how some of the illustrations in the book about Miss Spider's new car look like outer space and that if you get 100 birthday cakes (that are yours) you will be 100 yrs old. Where is he going to go from here? And how will that make her feel?

[hsmamainva]

My oldest son is 14 and a "9th grader". He has autism and several other learning disabilities and he's working at a 7th grade level.

 

My youngest son is 8 and a "4th grader". He started Kindergarten at 3 and is working at 5th - 6th grade level.

 

I use one curriculum for both boys for history and science. They LOVE learning together and my oldest son doesn't "feel inferior" or anything like that. (I'm using Sonlight Science 5 and the Trail Guide to US Geography, along with Sonlight Core 4).

 

They each have their own math curriculums (my oldest son is using CLE Math 7 and my youngest son is using TT Math 5 -- I wish now that I would've bought TT Math 6!! He's scoring 20 out of 20 for every lesson! I'm hoping it 'picks up the pace' as the year progresses!! Otherwise, I think I'm going to skip TT Math 6 next year and put him straight in TT Math 7 or even TT PreAlgebra)

 

They each have their own art curriculums, because art is where my 14 year old shines!!! Whereas my youngest son isn't as gifted in this area! :)

 

They each have their own texts for language arts as well --- but I'm reconsidering what I'm using. I'm headed to the homeschool bookstore this coming week to find something else.

 

So....I would say to not worry about it. I've sat down before with my 8 year old and told him that his older brother has problems learning and that he should never make fun or him because he uses the same books that he does. And my 8 year old worships his older brother, so he'd never think of doing such a thing.

 

On a side note, a good friend of mine had a daughter and son, 3 years apart in age, that did the same curriculum all the way through the 12 years they were homeschooled and both went off to the same college at the same time (one was 18 and one was 15). They never had any rivalry issues either. It was just 'they way they were', if that makes sense.

[purplecow7]

LisaK - "All took unique paths in their developmental process." -love this and your stories too. Your life sounds like mine, people always assume that I am a pushy parent what they don't realize is that the children are pulling me in directions I never thought I would go. Yesterday my 4.5 year old daughter said to me mom I can spell dog and then she said I can even spell it backwards g.o.d. then she gets this look on her face and she says mom I can even spell God. :lol:

 

Having gifted children is an awesome tiring journey. For me the hardest part is going from having big adult conversation with my children and the next minute dealing with a fit over the fact that a sibling has touched a special string.

[LisaKinVA]

Oh, I can so relate to the "fit over touching" a special item :lol:

 

Maddening, just maddening. When my oldest was 3.5 and my dd was getting into things, oh the wailing because dd "put my cars with my trucks" OR "put the blue blocks with the red blocks" -- I kept hoping he'd grow out of it (okay, he grew out of the cars and the blocks -- now it's about bionicles and lego models... LIZZIE BROKE MY MODEL (you'd think it was smashe in a bajillion pieces, but it's relatively in-tack and would take about a minute to put back together). OY!

[Jenny in Florida]

Actually, I started worrying about the comparison thing when we talked about having our son. See, our daughter was always so obviously extraordinary that I worried a lot about bringing a child into the family who would--I was then convinced--spend his or her whole life playing second fiddle.

 

At that point, I had read a whole lot about giftedness, didn't know the research about sibling IQs and so on. Mind you, I knew that my husband and I were both bright and that there was a good chance any children we produced would be. But it just never dawned on me that we'd get another one like our daughter.

 

And we didn't. My son is very different from his big sister. From everything we can tell, he's just as bright, but different. He's a different person with a different personality and different learning style. And, yes, we've had to hold his hand through some crises. It's honestly funny, though (now that we're through it), because he's so bright and so great, but he went through a couple of years when he was convinced that he just wasn't very smart, because he kept comparing himself to his sister. He kept looking at what she could do and how easily she did the academic stuff and figured he must be stupid because he couldn't keep up. Never mind that she's three years older than he is. Never mind that she's radically accelerated academically. He couldn't do what she could do, and therefore he must not be smart.

 

Sigh.

 

In the end, the only thing that convinced him that he was wrong was to be really straight with him about where he was compared to the "average" child. We sat him down and showed him curriculum materials designed for kids his age. He didn't believe us at first. We showed him samples of his sister's work from when she was the same age. He began to accept the truth. We had him do some standardized testing at his grade-by-age level and showed him the results.

 

Now he gets it.

 

And he's also relaxed. He finally understands that IQ isn't everything. As far as we can tell, he and his sister and neck and neck, IQ-wise. But she's a different person who is making different choices. She tends to focus in on goals and get terribly driven about achieving very specific things. He tends to do 12 things at once. It's a lot like travelling: She likes to take the express train and rarely bothers to look out the window, while he'd rather do a road trip and take the scenic route. They both get where they're going. She gets there faster, but he has more experiences and more fun along the way.

 

Both are equally cool. The big thing is allowing them each space to be comfortable in their own skins.

[Storm Bay]

I guess I found this a bit late, but here goes. I agree with being careful what you say about your children--it is so easy to inadvertently label. Also, I'd consider using different curricula with your 2 yo and your 4 yo if this continues to be the case as it reduces the temptation for them to compare themselves among themselves. Some aren't even graded, such as MUS, although I wouldn't use that alone. fwiw, if you're Christian, there is a verse in the epistles warning against comparing yourself with others you could teach if necessary.

 

We're more free will Christians, so don't teach our children that God has given them their giftedness (actually, I don't use that term with them as a rule) for a set plan for their lives, but we do stress that it's not so important how smart they are academically, but who they are as people and how they use their talents for God. The same with physical looks or any other talent/ability. I also don't give grades when they're young (or before high school), and all are expected to do subjects such as math to mastery (ie they have to go redo any problems they miss) and they don't school in the same room as a rule. Of course that last item has a lot to do with strong personalities and low thresholds for distraction from each other.

[JWSJ]

Thanks! Some great information here. You've described my two kids - both gifted in very different ways.

 

Homeschooling to both their learning styles will be challenging.