Need Hive Help: elderly parent being taken advantage of

[PrincessMommy]

I may delete later, so please don't quote.

 

My husband and his family have found themselves in a difficult position with their dear mother.   I love my MIL to death.  She was always a sweet example to me of how to be a content person... but things have changed inthe last 8 years or so and this year they got much worse.

 

My MIL started going down to Costa Rica for the winter and she met a man there (G).  He is much younger than her but she loved the attention.  He said he wanted to be friends to "learn English"  yeah right.  Anyway, they keep in touch via Email. and of course, right away the sob stories started about his mother's health, or a cousin's financial problems, yada yada yada.  She's been sending him money ever since.  She even bought him a house!   We tried talking to her and telling her he was taking advantage of her.  But, she didn't care... she said she liked the attention.   She stays at the house when she visits... and basically spreads the money around.  We were told by other people down in CR that he was a bad apple, but she didn't see it.  For a long times we've just sucked it up because we figured it's her money, and even if it makes us sad, we can't do much.  She's always been a bit rebellious and stubborn.

 

This year changed a lot.   She fell just before coming back to the states and required surgery and extending her stay by 4-5weeks.   My SIL went down to get her situated and worked out a deal with G and his girl friend to care for mom (gf has some nursing experience).   We agreed on a  *weekly* payment that was more than fair.  It was MUCH more than they'd get down there and slightly less than a home PT visit here in the states.  As soon as my SIL got back to the states the phone calls and emails started coming in that they need more - much more like $1000 every couple of days.   Mom would call saying "the ambulance needs this money" or  "we need to go buy groceries"  anything.   We finally put a stop to it by dragging our feet, reminding them that we had already agreed to weekly payments.. so mom started paying using her cc.  It's was also pretty obvious that he is stealing right under her nose.  She's admitted to us that she gets confused about money now and can't tell how many zeros are needed :scared:

 

Now that she's back here she's still sending money to CR.  She said she considers him her family now and even talked about changing her will.   She's 87 and this money is for her to use to take care of herself as she ages.

 

Is there anything we can do to stop it?   She refuses to see that this is a bad situation and that she is being taken advantage of.   But, does that qualify her for being mentally incompetent?   Who should we talk to with to manage this mind-field? 

 

The whole thing just makes me sad.  I used to look up to her but now I'm just find myself praying and hoping I don't end up like that.  It's very emotionally hurtful to her children, who are doing a lot to care for her (she lives with one dd). 

[Ethel Mertz]

Off the top of my head:

 

Talk to a family lawyer asap. S/he will know what steps to take legally (e.g., reporting to law enforcement).

 

Talk to her doctor.

 

Hopefully, others will have more ideas.

[umsami]

This website might offer some help.

 

http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/index.aspx

[Danestress]

You might inquire into whether there are laws on the Costa Rican side, since that is where he is operating. What kind of care did they give her when she was there? Do you think they did a decent job with her needs?

 

Meanwhile, what is her financial situation? How mobile is she? Does she depend on your sister (that she lives with) economically?

 

Declaring someone incompetent is not easy. There are many old men who love the attention of young gold digger women, to the horror of their families, and I think it must be hard to watch. I am so sorry. If she is mentally competent, maybe you could tell her that you will pay for a financial advisor to help her figure out what her own needs are going to be, and that if he can convince you that she has enough to cover all likely care for her own last years, you will let it go.

[PrincessMommy]

Right now she has limited mobility because of her injury.   She is financially independent but lives in an apartment attached to my SIL home. 

 

I like the idea of offering to get her a financial advisor.

 

And thanks for the links.  I also think talking with a lawyer who deals with elder-care is good idea.   I've found several in our area.

[Joanne]

That is so sad. I have no idea how to help. This is international elder abuse. :glare:

[hillfarm]

Perhaps you could check in with your local senior's Center. They may know of a good attorney or financial advisor who is especially familiar with issues affecting the elderly.

 

Also, could you work to introduce her to nice gentlemen here near her home? If she is motivated by the need for companionship, she might realize that it would be easier and more convenient to pursue that locally. My MIL is very active at the local Sr. Center and frequently interacts with various men for social outings, sports activities (tai chi, chair volleyball, Sr. yoga, etc.). They even have a community service bureau, so she and her friends attend many interesting festivals and events and help with registration/information booths, etc. If your MIL had more on her plate up here, she might be fulfilled enough and distracted enough to let the Costa Rican relationship cool.

 

Be prepared though, I imagine the guy in CR would not let go of his "good thing" quickly or easily. If possible you might need to monitor things a bit, not to over ride your MIL, but to see that her foreign relationship goes where she wants it to, not where he does.

[Unicorn.]

I would definitely look into the financial advisor, and talk to a family lawyer, possibly getting power of attorney if possible. In the meantime, send the guy a letter stating your mom is out of money and having to declare bankruptcy. Maybe he will stop calling and go after someone else.

[Reefgazer]

You could get financial POA perhaps.  But just be aware that if she is lucid enough, she may be angry and cut ties with you (at least temporarily) for doing such a thing.  A tough call, no question.

[GinaPagnato]

Here's what I would do:

 

Scare off the guy by telling him you've retained a lawyer to protect MIL and if he continues to pursue her you will involve the law. He won't know it's a bluff.

 

Block his phone number so MIL can't receive his calls.

 

Is there a way to prevent her from dialing out?

 

I would view this in much the same manner as having a 12 year old girl who is engaged in harmful behavior with an older guy. Whatever it takes to keep them apart.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I would also contact the police and see what can be done from the angle of defrauding the elderly

[plansrme]

What state is your MIL in?  If you are in Arizona or Georgia, I know just the person you need to talk to.  I have a friend who is an attorney who specializes in elder law and everything that goes with it.  She is awesome, and this would be right up her alley.

[PrincessMommy]

What state is your MIL in?  If you are in Arizona or Georgia, I know just the person you need to talk to.  I have a friend who is an attorney who specializes in elder law and everything that goes with it.  She is awesome, and this would be right up her alley.

 

She's not in either of those states.   Too bad.

[G5052]

Yes, talk to a lawyer with a speciality in eldercare.  Even though it doesn't really do anything legally, you can have a lawyer send the cad a letter that might shake things up.

 

These things can be very, very hard to change.  In the state where my mother lived, the only way a family member could take over their finances was if the elderly person signed things over to them or if they were truly out of it (advanced dementia).  In between they could literally spend themselves down to nothing and the courts would let them.  My mother was cheated out of thousands of dollars given to a cult and dishonest business people (we probably don't even know the half of it), and there was nothing we could do.

[PrincessMommy]

Yes, talk to a lawyer with a speciality in eldercare.  Even though it doesn't really do anything legally, you can have a lawyer send the cad a letter that might shake things up.

 

These things can be very, very hard to change.  In the state where my mother lived, the only way a family member could take over their finances was if the elderly person signed things over to them or if they were truly out of it (advanced dementia).  In between they could literally spend themselves down to nothing and the courts would let them.  My mother was cheated out of thousands of dollars given to a cult and dishonest business people (we probably don't even know the half of it), and there was nothing we could do.

 

This is what I'm afraid of.  She's definitely gone downhill cognitively, but she's not completely out of it.  I'm just so shocked at how much she's been taken in by this guy...she absolutely refuses to see it.  It's beyond being gullible.    So sad.

[clarkacademy]

I don't have any help but I just wanted to say I am really sorry and it is crummy for people you love to be treated like door mats. I hope you can find some help. :grouphug: