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S/O hoarders thread: executive function skills for adults?


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Does anyone know of good resources to help adults who struggle with executive function? This has always been a challenge for me. I grew up as the kid whose room was always a disaster, homework was never done, I probably couldn't even find the assignment to begin with, my school locker was a pile of junk with a moldy sandwich at the bottom, etc. I watch other people manage their lives and they seem to sail through keeping track of what needs to be done and doing it in order, while my mind is a jumbled mess that jumps from thought to thought and project to project and I rarely actually finish something. I'm not a hoarder--actually more on the minimalist side for the sake of my sanity--and I don't really have a problem cleaning, but I keep things clean or maintain an organizational system or a schedule once I have it set up.

 

There is something about the way my brain works that makes it very hard to do things in an orderly way. When I try to pinpoint what is hard for me, part of the problem seems to be that I am always jumping from thing to thing--I'll put away three items from the laundry pile then notice that the shoes in the entryway need organizing. It actually seems that I have a negative reaction to ordered thought and behavior, like maybe I didn't leave the laundry to tackle the shoes just because I noticed the shoes but because staying to finish all the laundry first (the orderly way to do things) makes me feel suffocated by structure and I run away. Talking with other people, it seems they find some kind of intrinsic reward in completing a task in an orderly manner. My brain seems to think that is torture to be avoided at all costs!

 

Talking to people with orderly minds mostly doesn't help, things that seem easy and obvious to them are a herculean struggle for me. I need advice from someone who knows what it is like to live inside my head and can walk me through creating frameworks to make the struggle easier--or better yet a way to change what is going on inside my brain that makes the process so hard in the first place.

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There is a book called The House That Cleans Itself that is very good for this. She starts from the assumption that being organized and neat isn't something that everyone comes by naturally. While I am pretty organized, it really helped me understand my dd, who sounds a lot like you. She's brilliant and creative, and doesn't always 'see' the mess, or realize she is in her own world.

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I have not overcome EF issues, but I'm almost constantly trying.

 

I am a list maker, which helps to a point.  Buying semi-expensive, pretty journals seems to be best for me. I treat the list with a little more respect than I do from a ripped up spiral notebook. ;)

 

Decluttering/purging helps. The less there is to deal with, the better. Trying to navigate around that oddly shaped cake pan in a cramped cabinet is a complete waste of limited focus! Washing 20 pairs of "play outside jeans" is silly.  Sorting through junk mail a week after the (non e-pay) internet bill arrived is avoidable. Toss the junk immediately.

 

I like binders with plastic sleeves.  I try to stick all important papers in there if I can't deal with them right away.  Essential papers (birth certificates, etc.) live in the Important File Box.  Owning a paper shredder has helped. When I'm done with a paper, I'm really done with a paper!

 

For me, setting a plan to have everything done by X time or Y day so I can have a complete break for Z long (whether a whole day or a couple of hours) is very motivating. No chauffeuring, no paperwork, no cleaning.

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It sounds like you have two issues.

 

One is that you have trouble sustaining focus. People who are creative, btw, tend to have a problem focusing, so it't not an altogether bad thing. You can do simple exercises to help you strengthen the connections in your brain that help you focus. Dan Goleman wrote a book about focusing and why it's important. If you don't want to read it, here is an article he wrote that sums up what you can do. Do it consistently enough, and you should begin to notice subtle changes.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dan-goleman/the-four-basic-moves-to-s_b_4058294.html

 

The other issue is that for some reason you equate finishing a task with suffocation -- like you're locked into doing things and have no choice. You could try doing some DIY cognitive behavior therapy to help you view finishing a task as something that is beneficial to you. You have shown in your post that you have a good handle on being introspective so maybe if you probe a little more, you could find something that helps. If that doesn't work, you could work with a therapist a few times.

 

I think also that too often parents don't have enough time -- or don't allow themselves -- to pursue their own interests separate from their children. BTDT. In cases like that, it might be helpful to put aside some time for your own interests. This might not be your case at all but it was true for me while my kids were growing up. When I began to pursue my own interests, my kids were a lot happier. I also needed them to help me by picking up after themselves (which didn't always happen). It turned out to be good for all of us.

 

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Have you ever considered getting evaluated for ADD? 

 

Every ADD/ADHD symptom checklist I have ever seen fits me to a T, so I'm pretty sure I know how an evaluation would turn out. The question is, what help would that offer? I don't think I would consider medication until I was past having children and breastfeeding, so not now. If there are effective supplements/therapies/strategies for making life easier to handle I am definitely interested, since I am facing ADHD issues I imagine the strategies would help with or without a diagnosis. It's hard to know where to start though.

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