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Hi:  I'd like to be more proactive about appropriate dress for my daughters instead of reacting.  (I'm gearing up for the summer inseam wars now.)  I would love to hear what sort of dress policies you have for your middle school girls.  Thanks!  

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My dds are 14 and 11(both in middle school) and we do not have a dress code nor have we needed one. I've honestly never had to veto a clothing choice so I wonder what it is your dds are wanting to wear that you find inappropriate.

 

 

ETA: I've read the replies since mine and my dds have not had any of those issues with clothing choices even though I've not had any input. The only exception is a two piece/bikini swimsuit. We live in Florida and spend a lot of time in the water and at the beach and a two piece is much easier, but my dds do usually wear a rash guard over their swimsuit due to sun burn.

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Shorts, skirts, and dresses need to be no more than an inch or so above the knee unless leggings are worn underneath. Any side slit in a skirt or dress needs to go up no higher than that.

 

Tank top or dress straps need to be at least an inch wide or else a sweater/shirt/shrug needs to be layered on top or underneath.

 

No bare midriffs.

 

No low-cut necklines.

 

If leggings or skinny jeans are worn, the top needs to be long enough to fully cover the backside.

 

No heels higher than 1" on shoes before high school.

 

No makeup aside from tinted sunscreen/moisturizer and lightly tinted lip gloss before high school. I'd be okay with a small amount of natural-looking blush in the winter but out here in sunny CA that's not really an issue.

 

Compared to what most 'tweens in my area wear, this is modest. I realize that it may not be as conservative as some parents, but these are the standards I hold for myself and my daughters.

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Shorts as long as the finger tips.

 

Tops must have at least 3 finger wide strap.  No strapless.

 

Shirts must cover stomach even if arms are raised up above head.

 

I will not tolerate seeing bras.  So their necklines must be high enough that when they bend over and look in a mirror they can't see their bra.  See through shirts where again I can see their bras are also not allowed.

 

No rips in jeans at least one hand print below their butt cheeks.

 

Bathing suits are usually two pieces where the tops and bottoms over lap.  Although lately they been wanting something closer to a surfer style with pants that end just over their knees.  They say they just want to play in the water and not get burnt.

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Dress appropriately for the activity, consider practicality and comfort. Our church teaches standards for both boys and girls that include covering shoulders and midriffs and avoiding tight or revealing clothing, so we follow those as a general guideline. For middle school, I would want shorts that come at least to the mid thigh, skirts within a couple inches of the knee, and for girls I would avoid clothing designed to be sexually suggestive (doesn't mean it can't be cute and fashionable). Clothing worn for sports, dance, swimming etc. should be appropriate to the activity (i.e., I wouldn't expect dance shorts to be long or leotards to not be snug). I try to teach respect for self and others as the guide for choosing how we present ourselves through our clothing.

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Shorts as long as finger tips.

Skirts no shorter than an inch above the knee (dress length is the same; for church dresses/skirts, I require at least knee length).

No super low cut shirts for other than lounge/sleep wear (church tops must cover shoulders).

No bikinis.

No midriff showing.

I did have a steadfast no makeup rule, but as my 12 year old began to develop the occasional, minor, acne, I've allowed her to wear some of my cover-up.

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No rips in jeans at least one hand print below their butt cheeks.

I forgot about ripped jeans. They are a "no" in my house. I don't care if it's the style, it looks tacky.

 

Anything that hurts my eyes because it's too bright or glittery or whatever is a "no" as well. I think I have some sensory processing issues because a lot of 'tween styles literally cause me visual discomfort.

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None.

It never came up.

This. My oldest girl is only 13yo though. She and I have very similar values, and I trust her to make good choices. We are definitely not as full coverage as these lists, but we do live in an area that can reach 118 F in the summer. (That's actual, not accounting for "RealFeel.")

 

I try to pick my battles wisely, and only put my foot down firmly on the issues that really matter. My teens are generally pretty respectful of that foot when I do have to use it, and I'd like to keep it that way.

 

Our biggest modesty issue has actually been with boys wanting to wear stained/torn jeans or thinking an undershirt counts as dressed for an outing. (They outgrew that on their own accord and *want* to look nice now. Even the 10yo.) As another poster pointed out, modesty also means being appropriate for the situation. It wouldn't occur to my girls to wear the booty shorts they wear to dance practice on a fieldtrip.

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My dd isn't really drawn to dress immodestly because we have always always affirmed, encouraged, modeled and lovely encouraged modesty with constant positive feedback on being modest and beautiful, and constant conversation about ridiculous or ugly outfits that we see (on racks and mannequins, never on people...I don't want to create a critical or legalistic attitude.)

 

That said, the basics here are that the finger tips of the arms are the minimum length for shorts.  So if you stand with your hands at your sides, and flatten your hands, you will get a good idea of a good length for modest shorts.  In shopping these are called, "Mid Length" shorts and they are found at stores in the Spring.  They usually disappear from the stores by summer time. 

 

For skirts, we require them to be a minimum of knee length.  

 

 

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Hm, my only rules are that if you're leaving the house, your clothes can't be ripped or torn (this happens a lot with tree climbing) and they can't have huge stains (my kids never want to give up their favorite old comfy t-shirts, I have to secretly throw them out eventually).  Clearly, I have not yet reached the stage y'all are talking about!  ;)  :laugh:

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I just don't buy clothes I'm not okay with. Occasionally something tacky or too short sneaks in via a bag of hand-me-downs or a gift, but I reroute those to the goodwill quickly. If anything, my 12 yr old is more modest than me. It's the 10 yr old who needs help...

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My dd is now in college, and she dresses in a flattering, appropriate way.  When she was a younger teen, she did need some guidance.  I mostly just didn't buy clothing that was inappropriate.  If she wore something too low cut for my comfort, I just reached over and pulled up the tank underneath it without regard to where we were.  (i.e.  other people could see)  This solved most of our issues. 

 

I never had any real rules.  My goal was to try to guide her.  I gave her information and helped her to see her worth in other ways other than her physical body.  It was a process.  In the end, I knew that these were her choices, and I could exert all the control I wanted while she was with me, but she would have to make her own decisions out of my eyesight.

 

My 13 year old boy can be kind of a slob, which is a different issue.  He just doesn't care too much.  :)

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Here are a couple of tabs that my dd12 has open in her browser:  this and this.  Yikes.  

 

I just don't buy clothes I'm not okay with. 

 

This had been my MO, but as it's been coming up more and more approaching summer, I've decided it would be more fair to have policies in place ahead of time, so I'm not constantly saying no, no, no to everything she shows me on the internet.  

 

Thank you, Hive!

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When I first became a believer, I tried to wear only Bermuda shorts or Capris and to always have shoulder covered.  But I actually developed a rash 3 summers in a row from the heat of the clothing!  I lived in a very hot, humid climate.  Now, I feel that one can be cool and comfortable, and still modest in a much broader range of clothing.  Unfortunately it also depends on your dd.  If a woman is built in certain areas, it takes more thought and effort to cover it appropriately while still being comfortable. I am not built in those areas, so I do realize it has been easier for me. But in general, I think that it's not just length, but color and style as well, which presents an overall classy and modest appearance.  Your dd will need guidance on this.

 

For example, we don't wear any black or red lace sticking out of our clothes (like Justice sold last year!) and I have explained the different colors and styles that appear trashy, vs. those that appear more classy.  We also compared the Lands End Catalog which has excellent examples of little girls dressed cool and comfy, but definitely classy.  We then looked at other catalogs and compared.  And we asked, "What is it that makes this outfit look a little bit immodest?  A little bit yucky?" and we came up with some general guidelines about length, colors, styles, etc.  

 

I personally am a PLAIN Jane and although I always look feminine you will find me in khaki shorts, a feminine tee shirt and Tevas all summer.  My dd prefers sparkles, bows, and colors, so it takes more time to examine and teach her about evaluating an overall look for classy attractiveness vs.  ridiculous gaudiness or even trashiness.  

 

This sounds overwhelming but it's not.  My dd has caught on quickly.  

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Here are a couple of tabs that my dd12 has open in her browser:  this and this.  Yikes.  

 

 

This had been my MO, but as it's been coming up more and more approaching summer, I've decided it would be more fair to have policies in place ahead of time, so I'm not constantly saying no, no, no to everything she shows me on the internet.  

 

Thank you, Hive!

Well I followed the links and the Hollister style even says, "beach tank"  If I saw a young lady wearing that tank at the beach on a hot day over her swimsuit, while walking down the boardwalk to the beach with her bag and chair in hand, I would think she was a modest young lady for wisely covering herself with a shirt until she gets to the sand!  

 

But if I saw someone wearing that around town, it would probably be more than skirting the modesty line.  So, you have to talk about these things and discuss them, also from a boy's perspective. She's 12. She needs to start to understand what she has that men and boys see or not see, and how to help them not see it!  :o)  

 

Try the catalog trick, it really worked here.

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Shorts, skirts, and dresses need to be no more than an inch or so above the knee unless leggings are worn underneath. Any side slit in a skirt or dress needs to go up no higher than that.

 

Tank top or dress straps need to be at least an inch wide or else a sweater/shirt/shrug needs to be layered on top or underneath.

 

No bare midriffs.

 

No low-cut necklines.

 

If leggings or skinny jeans are worn, the top needs to be long enough to fully cover the backside.

 

No heels higher than 1" on shoes before high school.

 

No makeup aside from tinted sunscreen/moisturizer and lightly tinted lip gloss before high school. I'd be okay with a small amount of natural-looking blush in the winter but out here in sunny CA that's not really an issue.

 

Compared to what most 'tweens in my area wear, this is modest. I realize that it may not be as conservative as some parents, but these are the standards I hold for myself and my daughters.

  I love your leggings rule.  My dd is always appalled when girls are wearing only leggings, and she says, "Mom do they realize those aren't actually pants?"  

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I must mot be the target audience for this thread. Neither of those two linked tank tops blip on my radar. I'd assume they'd be layered together or with something else. *shrug* :) My 13yo owns several like the first link. She layers them with other tanks or low cut tops. The latter has a higher neck than she'd wear, but it does cover more than her racing swimsuit.

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I must mot be the target audience for this thread. Neither of those two linked tank tops blip on my radar. I'd assume they'd be layered together or with something else. *shrug* :) My 13yo owns several like the first link. She layers them with other tanks or low cut tops. The latter has a higher neck than she'd wear, but it does cover more than her racing swimsuit.

 

I was thinking the same thing.  I imagine it also depends on where in the country you live? In coastal CA and I imagine in other places with very hot summers, tank tops are pretty standard summer garb.  I've never understood what the thickness of a strap has to do with modesty? Surely it's not the strip of skin on the shoulder around the strap showing that is most problematic where modesty is concerned?

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My niece is staying with us, perhaps indefinitely. I model appropriate dress for the occasion but I would never make rules about it. I have discussed the importance of the right undergarments for sports and making sure that the rise on her pants isn't embarrassing to her at school when she sits down on the floor. That can be tricky because the trends aren't made for her very fit but womanly build.

 

So long as privates are covered, it's up to her. She responds a lot better to that than control and rules.

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I was thinking the same thing.  I imagine it also depends on where in the country you live? In coastal CA and I imagine in other places with very hot summers, tank tops are pretty standard summer garb.  I've never understood what the thickness of a strap has to do with modesty? Surely it's not the strip of skin on the shoulder around the strap showing that is most problematic where modesty is concerned?

 

I don't get the strap rule either. The tank tops in the links above seem normal to me too. Of course every tank top fits differently on every person. A lot depends on the height of the person and their voluptuousness. My two daughters are shaped very differently and some clothes that are fine on one of them is not so fine on the other but it's not a function of the garment itself. 

 

We have very hot summers here too so tank tops are very standard fare. 

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Here are a couple of tabs that my dd12 has open in her browser:  this and this.  Yikes.  

 

 

This had been my MO, but as it's been coming up more and more approaching summer, I've decided it would be more fair to have policies in place ahead of time, so I'm not constantly saying no, no, no to everything she shows me on the internet.  

 

Thank you, Hive!

My router blocked one of those.  :laugh:

 

I'm fairly conservative with dress standards--no bare midriff, no bare shoulders or low necklines, shorts need to go past fingertips, skirts to the knee.

 

I live in coastal FL. I've seen women at the grocery store wearing bikini tops and booty shorts. :huh:  Yeah, it's hot and muggy, but dd still understands that she needs to respect her body.  When it's hot, and we're going to be outside a lot, I encourage loose t-shirts and shorts or capris that are made of breathable fabric (like basketball shorts or hiking capris). 

 

Part of the issue for me is also skin cancer. My kids tan better than I do, but we are all fair skinned. I started requiring rash guards at the beach, partly because they cover up too-revealing suits, but more because they need to protect shoulders and back from sunburns.

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I've never understood what the thickness of a strap has to do with modesty? Surely it's not the strip of skin on the shoulder around the strap showing that is most problematic where modesty is concerned?

Wider straps are more sporty and less suggestive. Compare the first one linked earlier (which looks like underwear to me) with this one: http://www.hanes.com/clothing/women/camis---tank-tops/hanes-wide-strap-tank-top--25839?cm_vc=PDPZ1

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Wider straps are more sporty and less suggestive. Compare the first one linked earlier (which looks like underwear to me) with this one: http://www.hanes.com/clothing/women/camis---tank-tops/hanes-wide-strap-tank-top--25839?cm_vc=PDPZ1

 

Sorry - still don't get it. The only thing all of these shirts 'suggest' to me is that it's hot outside. 

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My main rule for my girls, is to look sharp and lady like. I have come from a backround of really strict dress code, so I cringe at a rules based dress code. Like this:

You may wear this article of clothing, or "this' article of clothing is absolutely forbidden.

 

I want my girls to look their age. That is my biggest concern. I also use the leggings if the skirts are too short. 

 

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  I love your leggings rule.  My dd is always appalled when girls are wearing only leggings, and she says, "Mom do they realize those aren't actually pants?"  

 

:)  there are some grown women who do not realize this, rofl. Good for your DD!

 

~coffee~ 

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The only problem I would see with the 2 tops you linked to are how they fit on your dd.  I have HUGE breasts and they would be falling out of a shirt like the first one.  Having a little strap isn't necessarily sexually suggestive or immodest. IMO it all has to do with how you wear the shirt.  Those shirts are not showing any less or more than a bathing suit would be so if the weather is hot out those seem like entirely appropriate shirts to wear.  Now if you were inside an a/c building wearing those shirts would make more sense with something on over top of them.  

 

I would find it inappropriate to wear either of those shirts with a bra that has straps since you would obviously see the bra.  But wearing those with a strapless bra would be just fine in my mind.  I would even do so if I could pull it off because I HATE the way sleeves feel on my armpits!! 

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That is the same rule I have for my DS. Imagine that.

The problem is that clothes for girls starting at 18 months sold in regular stores include what seem to me to be suggestive items. To me, the issue is not really about girls and what they want to wear, but what is sold as girls' clothing. Including sparkly underpants with suggestive sayings for 7 year olds, for example. For boys, I see a lot of slogans on shirts that are incredibly negative and/or rude, but not much stuff that is "sexy" per se. The only time I've truly been startled by male clothing was once at JC Penney, I saw a display of red, sequinned bikini thongs (with a larger cut for male parts). But they were for men, not boys. I just don't see things for boys that are generally anything other than baggy.

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I haven't had to set any rules, really. She is modest. I did let her get a bikini, though, which dh didn't care for, and he thinks her shorts are too short. The tank tops linked... One is a cami that my girls wear as undershirts but never alone, and the other no I wouldn't let her wear it. She wouldn't want to, though, because her bra would show. I live in GA, and it gets plenty hot.

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DD12 says she would wear both of those tanks if they were comfortable.  But I'm not sure she actually would unless they had a built-in bra since she doesn't want her bra straps to show.

 

We don't really have complicated clothing rules.  Clothes have to fit - not too tight or too loose. DD12 requires the clothes also have to be comfortable.  That is pretty much all we have needed.

 

For my guys, I have also instituted the "no jeans with holes in them at church rule", but YMMV.

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Words across the bum make me twitch. No underage child should have JUICY or whatever there. Just. No. 

 

Otherwise, clean and appropriate for the activity is the goal. With underwears. 

 

The two tops you linked--one would be classified as underwear and the other would need the first underneath it.

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Modesty was never an issue with my older daughter. She developed early and became very self conscious. She is now 18 and still prefers to dress modestly.

 

My younger daughter is 8 and although I have never really set rules, she knows there are certain things that would be pushing it. Short skirts, short shorts, revealing tops (although at 8 there is nothing to reveal) and bikini's are not something that my DH or I would approve. My fear with her right now is gaudy, tacky, bright and sparkly colors.

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Words across the bum make me twitch. No underage child should have JUICY or whatever there. Just. No. 

 

An English friend of ours was a visiting professor at the University of South Carolina. He had a hard time reconciling the overall very conservative political climate and the young ladies in booty shorts with "COCKS" on the back(The school mascot is a gamecock -or- fighting rooster). I'm not convinced it is a good idea for over aged people either.

 

But I particularly understand your point, I've seen 3t shorts like that at Target... I find it discouraging we are sexualizing 3 and 4yos. For boys the shirts just have rude slogans... I find it outrageous that I often have to pay $1 or 2 more to get the plain striped/solid house brands instead of the inappropriate clothes.

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Meh. My dd is going through an express herself with clothing stage. One day she likes the ripped jeans, flannels, and doc martens  (I don't think she believes I wore those in high school) and the next day she wears a super girly dress and flats. We all like to shop in this house and are partial to fashion and trends so it's never been something we tightly regulate. The only thing I point out to her is to beware of how wide the armholes are, you may need to wear a cami underneath. As long as she is happy and feels good about herself I have no issues. 

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My DD is 11.  We don't have any hard and fast rules, mostly because it has not been an issue.  I have always been clear with her about what our family thinks are appropriate and inappropriate clothing choices and WHY.  So far, we've had no push-back.  We are now beginning to discuss how many fashions/advertisements glorify ridiculously distorted views of the female body (i.e., Recenty, during a trip to the big city, we went into a department store with an ENORMOUS picture of a model in her undies and had a great time discussing Photoshop and how annoying it is that advertisers are such bad liars.)     Mostly though, my little girl is still a little girl; clothing rules are along the "no, that item has had a full and entertaining life and has to just be play clothes/go to clothing heaven" lines.

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Here are a couple of tabs that my dd12 has open in her browser:  this and this.  Yikes.  

 

 

This had been my MO, but as it's been coming up more and more approaching summer, I've decided it would be more fair to have policies in place ahead of time, so I'm not constantly saying no, no, no to everything she shows me on the internet.  

 

Thank you, Hive!

 I don't see what the problem is with those tank tops.

 

 

ETA: I just saw the back of the tank top from the second link. My girls would have to wear another tank, like the one in the first link, to be able to wear that.

 

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Words across the bum make me twitch. No underage child should have JUICY or whatever there. Just. No. 

 

Otherwise, clean and appropriate for the activity is the goal. With underwears. 

 

The two tops you linked--one would be classified as underwear and the other would need the first underneath it.

 

Ugh.I HATE clothes with words on the butt!

 

And when my boys are old enough to care, if the "style" of showing your underwear or even your whole butt is still in and they try it I will yank their jeans off all the way. Or give them a wedgie. Or both.

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