Jump to content

Menu

Please give me some wisdom on parenting an older teen


Tohru
 Share

Recommended Posts

First let me be clear this isn't a problem with the teen, it's with me.  My son recently turned 17 and he is a wonderful, good teenager.  I don't have any issues with him, the issue is that the fact he is just a teen has only now occurred to me - I've been expecting adult level competency from him.

 

I know it's silly, but for the past several years I have been treating him as an adult, almost like a peer or co-worker. My teaching style has been more like training a new person for a job rather than educating an adolescent - I saw him as an adult.  I was emancipated very young so I'm sure that set up my expectations.

 

Last night I noticed him becoming frustrated with an aspect of financial banking.  I have been "training" him in investments and money management, which are good things to learn, however I finally saw a glimmer of the ineptness he feels because he's been trying to meet my adult-level expectations of him. He doesn't have the knowledge, resources or experience that an adult has, but I've been proceeding as if he does.

I don't know if that makes any sense.

 

To those with teens or adult children, can you give me some ideas or suggestions to let him be his age, but still provide an education, or maybe tell me about teen developmental stages and what are normal expectations, or are there any parenting books about teens that does not focus on behavior problems? 

 

I would like to learn to treat him like an adolescent and have those kinds of expectations, rather than continuing expecting adult-level competency.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have any advice for you, but I have to say that if this is the first time you've had this kind of problem, it's pretty clear to me that you've been doing something right all these years, so please don't beat yourself up over this one thing, or think your whole methodology has to change.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, so why not just treat this as something your ds still needs to work at, or if it's too difficult right now, just put it on the back burner for a while?

I think you're being too hard on yourself. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I personally like how you've handled things.  I think the best "measure" is simply how your child reacts.  If he seems to handle it fine, then go with it!  If he's struggling, then back off.  I don't think you need to change your whole way of thinking, just work differently with the areas he needs help with.

 

I once heard someone speaking on the fact that many countries in the world don't even have the world "teenager" in their vocabulary.  The U.S. and other western cultures use it and it can actually work against them -- stunting them during a time when they could be challenged to be doing a lot more, and be more mature in their actions and responsibilities.

 

For what it's worth, I do think it's more natural to treat your oldest child as an adult, earlier.  It becomes more difficult with their young siblings because they always seem so very young compared to the older children.  I find I have to work harder to treat my youngest as the young adult that she is!

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Cat.

 

I don't think it's the first time it's been an issue, but it is the first time I noticed and realized how inept he must feel.  It must be very frustrating because I realized some of the things I've expected of him are daunting for some adults to grasp.  Gosh, I really don't know if that makes any sense.  It isn't just the financial stuff - it has been many other things. 

 

I honestly don't know what to expect at this age. I want to be a better parent by learning what is normal development and what are normal expections.  Every book I've found on parenting teenagers just deals with behavior problems or attitude issues.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's about relationship and communication and grace.  Allow him to have his feelings.  Allow him to express his feelings (though I do ask for clean language in doing so).  Empathize.  But also model and teach good problem solving.  As far as expectations go, you expect someone to try but to not be perfect.  The method is more important than the results.  And grace toward another human being is more important than having expectations.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I personally like how you've handled things.  I think the best "measure" is simply how your child reacts.  If he seems to handle it fine, then go with it!  If he's struggling, then back off.  I don't think you need to change your whole way of thinking, just work differently with the areas he needs help with.

 

I once heard someone speaking on the fact that many countries in the world don't even have the world "teenager" in their vocabulary.  The U.S. and other western cultures use it and it can actually work against them -- stunting them during a time when they could be challenged to be doing a lot more, and be more mature in their actions and responsibilities.

 

For what it's worth, I do think it's more natural to treat your oldest child as an adult, earlier.  It becomes more difficult with their young siblings because they always seem so very young compared to the older children.  I find I have to work harder to treat my youngest as the young adult that she is!

 

Thank you!  This is probably what I need to hear - "back off" :)  I just think his frustration finally got to the point of showing because he is such a pleaser and wants to get everything right.  It made me wonder if he's been struggling for awhile.

 

I think it's funny about the younger siblings, because in our home it's the opposite.  We keep expecting the youngest ones to behave and act more maturely and have to constantly remind ourselves how young they actually are.
 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My ds wants to get a job this summer, I had him fill out an faux application yesterday and interview with me, giving tips along the way. It all felt so grown up and adult-like, and I had to realize he's never done this before. I'm usually pretty good about realizing he's at the beginning of a process and can advise from that. It's harder not to try and overwhelm them.the job interview hit me at a new level though.  Financial stuff is important, obviously. I do as others state, gauge reaction. When he's full and ready to bolt from too much information I can usually tell. 

 

Another thing I'm coming to realize about these adult topics is that talk only goes so far, he will have to experience some of them before he understands or has further questions. I think it's my job to keep those doors of conversation open, so he will come to me when he has questions after he's into the process of something. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...