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WWYD when a family member takes a private conflict public?


trulycrabby
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My NPD/BPD sister is using facebook to take a very private conflict public. The conflict concerns my parents; she is stating a very one-sided details about the conflict that are so skewed, they border on slander. She has taken words out of context and made statements that would be very hurtful to them if they ever saw what was written. She lives with them, but hopefully will be moving within the next few months.

My anger is so great that it is very difficult not to at least respond that I think it is wrong to write slanderous, hurtful things about close family members on a public forum, esp. when they are not present to defend themselves. However, as I do not want to stoop to her level, or provide conflict and drama to feed the NPD personality, I think it is best to completely ignore it, unfriend her, and be done with it and her. I might have a word with her privately or send an email, but even that is giving her the conflict she craves.


WWYD?

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Unfriend her. Maybe you want to block her so she can't see you at all on fb.

 

Part of me would want to make a snarky response to one of her posts "why do you live with these people, if you feel this way", but that will just cause more anger in someone like this. So, just unfriend.

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Why wouldn't you share what she has said with your parents? It is public information about them and they are put at further risk of damage by living so intimately with someone who is slandering them. Maybe she would be moving out of their place even sooner.;-)


I have been considering this aspect as well, but I am still processing the situation and haven't had much time to think it all through coherently. My impulse is to not tell them because they are just words, not threats, and my parents have already been under incredible stress. My mother was hospitalised overnight this past weeken because she thought she was having a heart attack, and she is normally a very composed person who wouldn't call an ambulance unless something was truly wrong. So, there's my hesitation, although I am here to listen to good advice.
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Why wouldn't you share what she has said with your parents? It is public information about them and they are put at further risk of damage by living so intimately with someone who is slandering them. Maybe she would be moving out of their place even sooner.;-)


The sister is starting a fire. No need to help her spread it.
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Years ago people spread all kinds of slander about my family. What hurt worse than the slander was the people that heard it and never came and told me what was being said.  It has taken years but it is finally behind us. 

 

I would  have a face to face chat as calmly as possibly about it with my sister.  Then I would fill my parents in on what was going on. If I was afraid it would stress out my already frail mother. I would wait until she was feeling better.

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If you want to have any positive effect, you need to start with validation--acknowledge her feelings and experience and the frustration she is feeling. This can be hard to do because at the same time you don't want to justify what is irrational and untrue, but it is a necessary step towards helping her step back from the emotion and consider alternate points of view.

I am sorry. I have a sister with bpd and it can be really heartbreaking at times for everyone involved. She has been through intensive treatment though and does try to function in the world as normally as possible.

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I would take a screenshot of the post for your (and your parents) records and then unfollow her posts.  I wouldn't unfriend her because I would want the option to see what she was posting in the future (by looking at her page).

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We had something like this happen recently. A couple of relatives close enough to know the bigger picture did comment and managed to call her out on her behavior while maintaining their own dignity and refraining from adding any extra information to the public forum. I merely watched but I was quite impressed with the maturity displayed by a younger relative in response to the matter.

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What I learned dealing with my xh's stuff (and often making mistakes in response) was ultimately the quiet high road was the best for my current sanity. Although it was very difficult to believe during the drama, any person with a brain really DID eventually see the situation with some accurate perspective.

And, as I was able to not participate, those people evaluating weren't influenced by me stridently trying to correct - which only would have gotten louder and louder since the chaos was that "bad."

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I think for me it would depend on the content of what she is saying and whether it would have professional or other repercussions, and whether people seeing it would know what she's like already. It's one thing if people are going to think, "There goes Betty again, never a kind word unless she's taking the credit," vs. "They did what to her? What awful people she's stuck with!"

 

But in no case would I respond on FB. That would be rewarding her.

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I would ignore her posts (block them) and just be there for your parents.

 

If she is living with your parents, they probably have some idea of what she is doing/thinking already.

 

I would guess that most people reading her tirades have a pretty good idea of what the truth is.

 

 

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