How important is distance from college in making a final decision...

[PrincessMommy]

Somehow we've never really run into this with our 4 older ones.   But, we're heading into having an issue with #5. 

 

Lets take money totally off the table as an issue.  

 

 

up front I'm going to add that DD has had issues with depression and self-injury.  She is going to go to a smallish liberal arts school to study English along with getting an ed. certification.

 

1st choice - she has friends in the dept. she has been accepted to.  They LOVE the school... it's a beautiful campus/school... they have lots of do-dads... but the main thing is that she has friends who have played it up.  She and dh visited last week and she fell in love.  She went to classes with friends and thought they were great.   I reminded her before going that the school will be giving their "sales pitch" at their accepted students day.  This school is 5hrs away. 

 

2nd choice - she has friends at school but not in the dept.  They love the school.  We haven't visited it yet.  But, it's pretty well known.  It's also going to be quite similar to #1 IMHO.   It's 2-2.5hrs away.

 

3rd choice - she knows one of the profs.  We visited... she loved the school - said it looked like Hogwarts! LOL.   It's a smaller school.   We met the head of the English dept. and he was a flake and totally turned her off to the school.  Didn't seem to know anything about how one would go about getting a degree/certificate in English Secondary Education. Sigh.  We met with the admin. officer and she was VERY helpful in figuring out how she would work on becoming and English Teacher.  If it hadn't been for her the school would have been off the table.  This school is 3hrs away.  We plan to go back for the Accepted Student's visitation day.

 

In the past I have had to go fetch 2 of my 4 older kids for one illness or another (broken arm, bad case of poison ivy, suspected mono, etc. etc.), as well as the normal wanting to come home for a break from college life, long weekends too for all the kids.    My dd knows that I don't like the idea of traveling 5hrs one way to pick her up... but I want her tell me if there's a problem - especially because of the depression and cutting. 

 

I personally feel like the drive is a deal-breaker.... But, of course, she keeps telling me how much she loved her 1st choice. 

 

 

[Dmmetler]

I'm not the best example-I went to school over 1500 miles from home. It was a good fit. There were downsides-I went home only for Winter break and Summer break-the 1 week breaks, I either stayed on campus or went home with friends who lived closer. Except for first going out to school and packing up at graduation, I didn't take much home-I put everythIng in storage there during the summers. And when I had appendicitis, I'm sure my poor parents probably practically had a nervous breakdown, because I was in the hospital 3/4 the way across the country without them there. I will also say that air travel was cheaper then.

But it worked out. The school was a good fit, and I needed the space to grow more than I needed to go home on weekends.

[regentrude]

Other perspective:

for us the school with the 6+ hour drive is the closets option and I am thrilled that we may have the opportunity to have DD in driving distance at all. All other of her options involve either 12+ hours of driving or several legs of air travel (plus the two hour drive to the closest air port)

6 hours means not only can we drive, but we could make it there and back in one (albeit long) day.

 

If the school 5 hours away is really her top choice I'd go for it in a heart beat.

[AnIslandGirl]

5 hours really isn't that far away in the grand scheme of things. Does she have her own car if she wanted to come home for a weekend/ holiday or would you have to go get her each time?  Or maybe there are other people to carpool with that she may already know or would meet? If she'd be happier at her #1 would that play a part in her situation?

Good luck in your decision.

[gardenmom5]

my girls attended uni on the other side of the country - where you spent the better part of the day flying with a minimum of one transfer to a small regional airport. (and then driving another hour after getting on the ground). finances were quite tight at the time, so we weren't able to visit even once before deciding.  but, I was also very prayerful about getting her in to the "right school for her" and felt strongly this was "the one". (I had even taken it off my "list" three times, and it kept creeping back on.)  so, distance didn't figure.  (after spending seven years at this school with both girls - we LOVE the place. and they got a great education.)  there were only a couple times distance was a big problem - one of them being 9/11.

 

every school has at least some flaky profs.  you're fortunate if they aren't in your dept - but you could still run into them for an elective or core class in another subject.

 

 

what would concern me most:

about your dd -  is how likely is she to get the emotional support she needs? of her #1- what year are her friends, how much overlap will there be before they are gone?  how likely is it she will be able to emotionally sustain herself after they graduate?  (or make new friends of good character before they do?)

[creekland]

Only 5 hours away?  That would be the closest for my three boys and I'd be thrilled with the drive - relatively easily done in a day.  ;)

 

We did not really let distance be a factor.  It was more important to us that they like the school and their environment.

 

Are buses or planes an option?  Sometimes it's actually less expensive for them to fly home than the cost of a road trip - pending what carriers are at the airports.

[Starr]

I don't think one can compare young people who may need more contact for heath issues to those who hopefully never will. The advantage to your daughter being a couple of hours away is that you can easily take a day and go up and spend two hours visiting, going out to lunch or whatever. It is easier to keep in contact more often in short bursts. A 5 hour trip for dinner isn't likely to happen.  I would not count on her friends letting you know how she's doing. My local experience is that parents are not alerted to health issues until late in the game. I don't know how to evaluate the friends, who will be ahead of her since they are already there versus the ones in different departments.  :grouphug:

[Danestress]

5 Hours would not be a factor for me as compared to 2 or 3  hours.  I think between those choices, she should pick what she really feels is the right place to her if finances are off the table. 

 

I think around 7 or 8 hours, it would start to make more of a difference to me.  I hear you on the worries about having to pick her up or visit her when illnesses/depression/crisis arise.  But I would rather do that then sway my child into something closer when they really wanted something else.  Then, you only have to drive 3 hours, but you might also experience guilt and regret about the choice.  If you let your child make her choices, within your financial means, then they own the decision and if nothing else, you know that whatever isn't just the way she wanted about it, at least she knows she is the one who chose it.  Also, if she already knows kids there, I assume there are others making that trip from your community, and there are more opportunities for sharing the driving duty at the official holidays or getting a lift home for the weekend is she needs some family time. 

[PrincessMommy]

Okay, interesting perspective.

 

So those who say "Wow, only 5hrs."  If it was "Only 3hrs" wouldn't that be more appealing?  Especially with her issues involved?   5Hrs. is much, much farther than any of our other kids, so maybe its family culture thing.  

 

She will not have access to a car, at least until she can get one on her own.

 

She could take plane then train.   There is no direct route via train/plane for any of the options.   It would - of course - be a much longer day for her.

 

 

[PrincessMommy]

5 Hours would not be a factor for me as compared to 2 or 3  hours.  I think between those choices, she should pick what she really feels is the right place to her if finances are off the table. 

 

I think around 7 or 8 hours, it would start to make more of a difference to me.  I hear you on the worries about having to pick her up or visit her when illnesses/depression/crisis arise.  But I would rather do that then sway my child into something closer when they really wanted something else.  Then, you only have to drive 3 hours, but you might also experience guilt and regret about the choice.  If you let your child make her choices, within your financial means, then they own the decision and if nothing else, you know that whatever isn't just the way she wanted about it, at least she knows she is the one who chose it.  Also, if she already knows kids there, I assume there are others making that trip from your community, and there are more opportunities for sharing the driving duty at the official holidays or getting a lift home for the weekend is she needs some family time. 

 

The friends are from camp and live far away - none are local.   Same with the other school too, though.  These are church camp people - so the good thing is we know she'll have spiritual support at all three schools.

 

 

[Cinder]

I'm another who went far, far away from home and had to have an appendectomy while at school. It all worked out. I think I told my mom afterward. lol. Those were the days when phone calls were terribly expensive and there were no cell phones or email. And I was in the hospital, so how could I call?

 

Overall, it helped that I got along well with my roommate--I knew no one when I went there--and her parents generously flew me with them to stay with extended family for Thanksgiving. Another friend's family let me stay with them over spring break. I only went home for Christmas and the first 2 summers. I guess I never felt the need to get away for the weekends. My now dh, whom I met in college, lived only 40 mins away and he never went home for weekends, just major breaks.

 

But neither of us were dealing with mental health issues.

 

I have no advice, just sharing my experience. I hope that whatever you all decide, that everything will work out well.  :grouphug:

 

 

[creekland]

 

So those who say "Wow, only 5hrs."  If it was "Only 3hrs" wouldn't that be more appealing?  Especially with her issues involved?   5Hrs. is much, much farther than any of our other kids, so maybe its family culture thing.  

 

Only if the 3 hours were equally appealing to her.  Otherwise, I would think the stress of not being where she really would rather be could trump the driving.
 

[PrincessMommy]

Other perspective:

for us the school with the 6+ hour drive is the closets option and I am thrilled that we will have the opportunity to have DD in driving distance at all. All other of her options involve either 12+ hours of driving or several legs of air travel (plus the two hour drive to the closest air port)

6 hours means not only can we drive, but we could make it there and back in one (albeit long) day.

 

If the school 5 hours away is really her top choice I'd go for it in a heart beat.

 

But see the difference is for me that the 5hr one is NOT the closest option.  How would you feel if she chose the 12hr option if the other choices were nearly equal in other respects?   This is really the heart of what I'm asking... not how people feel about 5hrs exactly.

[regentrude]

So those who say "Wow, only 5hrs."  If it was "Only 3hrs" wouldn't that be more appealing?  Especially with her issues involved?   5Hrs. is much, much farther than any of our other kids, so maybe its family culture thing. 

 

No, the difference would not be significant enough to warrant steering her away from her top choice.

For me, two more hours is really not that big of a deal. (Heck, it takes us four hours round trip to buy cheese in the nearest city or go to a museum.)

For me, the qualitative differences are when a distance is no longer drivable at all, and below that when the distance is not drivable as a round trip in one day. Below that, I consider other factors more important.
 

[regentrude]

But see the difference is for me that the 5hr one is NOT the closest option.  How would you feel if she chose the 12hr option if the other choices were nearly equal in other respects?   This is really the heart of what I'm asking... not how people feel about 5hrs exactly.

 

If she chose the 12 hour option, that would be her choice. It's her college, so she needs to make the decision - as far as our financial situation allows. We have reserved the right to veto any school on the grounds of finances. We factor cost of transportation into the calculation of financial feasibility. Unless the distant school is significantly more expensive, she gets to choose.

Of course I'd be thrilled to have her close, but I do not consider it my place to choose for her just so she is. OTOH, if the closer option is also 10k cheaper, that would be taken into account.
 

[Danestress]

Okay, interesting perspective.

 

So those who say "Wow, only 5hrs."  If it was "Only 3hrs" wouldn't that be more appealing?  Especially with her issues involved?   5Hrs. is much, much farther than any of our other kids, so maybe its family culture thing.  

 

She will not have access to a car, at least until she can get one on her own.

 

She could take plane then train.   There is no direct route via train/plane for any of the options.   It would - of course - be a much longer day for her.

 

Of course 3 hours would be better and more convenient.  I have always said that I think 3 hours is sort of "ideal."  It's far enough that your parents can't come visit a lot and you have to sort of make a new life there for yourself, but close enough that you can drive home after class on a Friday before it even gets dark most of the year.  3 is a magic number:)

 

I am just saying that the difference between 3 and 5 would not be an important factor for me, if my child had her heart set on something else.  I consider it very important that my child choose what her or she really wants, very important that it be an affordable option, very important that the school seem like the right place considering the child's needs, abilities, career desires, etc.

 

Me driving 2 extra hours (or four extra in a day) doesn't seem important enough to try to influence the child to go with a second choice when they truly want their first choice.  Plus, I probably would drive up in the morning and then make my child do most of the driving home.  Good for them, good for me.  But I do understand why you don't love it.  What does your husband think?

[Liz CA]

Debbi, it seems like there are two different issues here. Cutting and depression are one thing that need to be dealt with. Distance of college to home is IMHO not an issue but I can see that it becomes an issue when you are worried about a daughter's health.

You may have to initiate ongoing support for her and the issues of depression and self-harm, perhaps even travel with her to her college town of choice and find some kind of support group or establish a counselor relationship. If your dd is 18 or older, this is really her responsibility.

 

Distance to home is not an issue for me otherwise since I am a big believer in letting kids spread their wings. You mention a 12 hour option and an 8 hour option. Neither would be close enough (for me) to get there in an emergency. You would likely fly anyway to either location if you needed to. If money is not the issue, distance would not be a point of contention for me.

[Mom in High Heels]

It took 17 hours for me to get home from college.  When I got sick, I worked through it.  I went home for Christmas and summer.  Actually, I only went for summer during my freshman year, as I took classes my sophomore and junior years.  It was my choice of schools though, and I knew the ramifications of being so far away from my parents.  

She's the one going to college, so she should get to pick where she goes, as long as it's within budget of course.  I got accepted to Yale and Northwestern (NW was much closer to home), but both were way, way out of budget, even with scholarships and work-study, so they were out.  If money weren't an issue though, I would have gone to now of them.  Distance was never an issue.

[Unicorn.]

I have a dd who suffers from depression/anxiety, and I totally understand your concerns.  Even thought she's only a freshman in high school, I've already had panic attacks worrying about her going off to college.  With that said.... I think you should take her to visit option number 2, to see if she will love it as much as 1.  However... at this point, I lean towards option 1.  Why... She not only has friends at the school, but IN the dept.  That is HUGE.  Huge, Huge!!   She needs that.  She needs that more than proximity to you, because in the grand scheme of things, her friends can and will be there/get to her first if there is a problem.  She needs that support.  Friends in the dept. can help her deal w/ issues that come up, problems, w/in the dept.  

 

Having friends on campus (option 2) is good, and you can get there faster, but I think having someone going through the departmental problems w/ her is going to be better for her overall well being. 

 

Hope that made sense.

[Starr]

I drive these distances a lot, not just for college. 5 hours each way, especially in the winter, is hard. You do it when you have to but not for fun. Dd is 5 1/2 hours away without public transportation of any kind. It's a pain. I don't mind driving 1 1/2 hours each way when we are down that way for dh's business. We go out for a meal or whatever she wants. I stay with friends and work it out taking her and picking her up for the semester or a long break. Now Easter is coming up and she wants to come home. We are willing to make it work for Easter but frankly two roundtrips in 3 days sounds awful!

[OneStepAtATime]

OP, under normal circumstances 5 hours just doesn't seem terribly far to me.  I was driving nearly twice that one way while pregnant to help out my grandmother when she started having health issues.  Sometimes I had very little warning and just had to toss a bad together and go.  And while I was going to school in the same city my parents lived in, 90% of the people I hung out with were from either several hours away within the same state or were from other states altogether and could not get home easily.  They did fine.  And I agree that the student needs to be genuinely happy with the choice or they may end up inadvertently cutting off their nose to spite their face.  Meaning if she felt forced into another choice besides her first one, not because of finances but because the drive was inconvenient, she might subconsciously start seeing all the "bad" at the college she ends up at and not be happy.

 

However, this is not a normal circumstance.  I think the same viewpoint may still apply, but the concerns are a bit different.  I agree with PPs, look around, get support systems in place (therapist, etc) to try and provide scaffolding ASAP, but if she already has emotional issues, pushing her to reject her first choice may exacerbate her emotional difficulties.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:   I am sorry you have this additional and very serious wrinkle in the landscape of decision making.  I hope you both end up happy with the final choice.  

 

Best wishes.

[catz]

In the grand scheme, 5 hours is really not that much. Especially if you're comparing 2 to 3 and 5 hours. She obviously won't be living at home regardless. It would be different if she had a live at home option or was going to be in the same metro area. With those differences, I'd just chose whatever is the best fit. I'd visit school #2, but given #1 has a built in support system, it sounds pretty good!

[Incognito]

I can understand why you would want her closer, but a good fit is more important.  I was about 5 hours from my parents when in school.  It can be good to have to build your own support network where you are.  And she does already sort of have one, so that is also good.  AND you CAN get there in a day if you NEED to.

 

Your daughter is either now an adult or very close to it.  I can't imagine how hard it is, but it is a time to transition how you think about her choices - even though she has additional obstacles, she still needs to be the one in control of these choices, and it would be best if you wouldn't put your opinion on her too much.  She probably wants to honour you, but might resent you pressuring her into a choice.

[Plateau Mama]

3 vs 5 would not make a difference to me. We have a great school less than 30 minutes from here. Like one step below Ivy Leauge. My oldest's first choice is MIT (other side of the country) or Cal Tech/Cal Poly. If she can get in and she can figure out the finances she can go wherever she chooses. Our only real rule is she cannot go into debt for college. If she wants to go somewhere more than we have saved then she needs scholarships to cover the difference.

My dad told me where I was going (the school close by mentioned above). I've always resented that he didn't give me an option. I purposely ruined my grades so I couldn't go there. I would have been miserable. I needed a much smaller school.

[Amira]

I agree with other posters that getting a good support system in place wherever she goes is the most important thing. Unless you think two extra hours of waiting for you really would make a difference for her, being at a school she chose could make all the difference.

But I expect to live on a different continent from my children once they each turn 18, so my perspective my be skewed. We also belong to a church with members who would help my kids out no matter where they were, so I don't really expect to be able or required to see my children for minor emergencies. Major emergencies are, obviously, different, but very rare. If they became common, we'd have to rethink things.

[bettyandbob]

I would see what therapist options are available near each school that your dd could access on her own. If I had time before decisions were due, I might even interview therapist options to see how good a fit each one was. If there are no therapy options within very easy transit, I would be very concerned about the school. 

 

Whatever school chosen I might find a therapist in May or June and visit for appointment 2 or 3 times over the summer so she has a rapport before arriving late August. And upon arrival already have regularly scheduled appointments (weekly?, every other week?) so that it's already established to be part of a routine and not something you have to tackle in a crisis. Faced with resistance to establishing a relationship with a new therapist, I would suggest that after the first semester, if all goes well appointments could be backed off, but knowing that she could return to the therapist if she felt the need. 

 

None of the schools are so far that I would mark them off for distance reasons. You can make a 5 hour drive (probably in 4 hours if you are worried). I would not recommend a 12 hour distance or a situation requiring flying unless you had very close friends/relatives that your dd felt very comfortable with for support. 

 

I happen to live near a good large state university. In suburban traffic it can be 30-60 minutes away. My neighbor's dd went there, lived on campus and her mother picked her up weekly to go to therapy appointments so she did not have to establish a new therapist relationship, but she still got the immersion on a university campus she wanted. 

[Jann in TX]

My middle dd went to a university 3.5 hrs away... she has multiple health (and mental health) issues.

It was too far away.  Her second semester there she had 3 ambulance rides in 2 weeks!  (blood sugar issues).

 

She is now at a university she did NOT consider before that is less than 1 hour away.  She actually LOVES the second one more.  It is also better for DH and I-- when there is a crisis we can be there in less than an hour-- and there HAVE been several occasions.

 

This dd is also clinically depressed.  I feel better having her closer.

[Crimson Wife]

For most kids, I would say that distance shouldn't really be a factor in the decision at all. I went to college 3000 miles away from my family and it was fine. In fact, the distance was part of the appeal compared to a school of similar caliber that was only 45 minutes from my hometown. My parents were relatively strict and with me being the oldest child and a girl on top of that, they had issues with letting me grow up and be more independent. My going to school on the opposite coast forced them to cut the apron strings.

However, with a child who has experienced serious health issues (including mental health), I would say that distance does matter. Visit school 2 and go back for admit weekend at school 3.

[Annie G]

When a kid has health or mental health issues, distance does make a difference.  But I think if you can get her through her first year, she'll be ok.  The first year will probably mean a lot more phone calls/texts/weekend visits than a typical freshman makes, but that's ok.  

 

Dd has anxiety issues and she's 2 hours away.  She's had a few issues this year and we helped her work through them. But when anxiety reared its ugly head, she was VERY glad we were 2 hours away. We haven't had to make any emergency trips (it was close once!) but knowing we could be there that soon really helped her. 

 

As the year has progressed, so has she. She's signed up to study in Japan next year. This from a girl who we feared wouldn't be able to make it through her first term!

 

Since we pay medical bills and tuition, we insist that dd keep us informed about how she's doing.  Yes, she's an adult but since we're supporting her, she understands our need to know these things. And she's ok with that. Actually she's happy that we're involved. 

 

So maybe visit the closer school, then have some serious talks with your dd about how she's going to handle potential issues.  Make sure she's thought it out well, and if you all think she's ready, launch her!   If the five hour away school doesn't work out, she can always transfer to a closer school. 

 

All this assumes that your dd is making progress with her issues. If not, then ignore all of the above.  If my kid was actively cutting and not showing improvement with depression, sending her off to school could be a disaster.  It doesn't mean it WILL be a disaster, just that I wouldn't be taking that chance.

 

[Lurker]

If she's too close, it may be easier for her to come home instead if working her program/coping skills first.

[wintermom]

How old is she and how is she currently coping with her depression/cutting? Is she undergoing treatment. I would not assume that friends, also away from home and learning to live and study, would necessarily be able to help or cope with dd in a long-term way if there are on-going issues. I think all the options sound kind of a pipe dream, but maybe I'm out to lunch. I'd opt to have dd live at home and go to school and see how she manages the courses, before adding in living away from home, having to navigate through college social pressures, etc. If all goes well for a year, then go to whatever school she thinks is fantastic. Visiting for a day is not giving anyone a real picture of how one will cope with the challenges. Actually, you've already got some indication on how she copes - she gets depressed and cuts. I'd focus on little steps at a time.

[TechWife]

Since her mental health is a primary concern, have the two of you sat down and discussed this with her mental health professional?

 

Some questions for you to consider:

 

What mental health supports are in place at each of these schools? Do they do crisis intervention only or do they provide ongoing counseling?

If she needed a 72 hour hold, what hospital would she go to/be sent to? Is it a reputable facility? 

Will you be able to find a local counselor in any of these towns for ongoing support? It is a good idea to have an established relationship before a crisis, if at all possible. 

Is she willing to sign a release so that you can obtain information about her health and/or grades? 

Is she independent/responsible with any medications she takes (if applicable)? Who will hold her accountable for taking meds as prescribed? 

 

I think if you can find satisfactory answers to these questions, you might be more comfortable with her choice, no matter where it is. 

 

 

 

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

We are in this boat.  Ds has mental health issues and we had to eliminate 2 schools due to distance.   I needed to be able to do a round trip in one day and 7 hours would be my max, which would mean 3.5 hours one way.  Also, if I were stressed with worry about my child, 5 hours would be a long, difficult drive.  Fortunately, there are some excellent schools within our distance criteria.  I told my son he could not fall in love with a school until all the factors were considered ($$, distance, strength of the program, etc.) 

[Cammie]

It depends on the expectations of the student and the family.  You mentioned maybe it was a "family culture" thing and I think you are right. For me, going away to college meant going AWAY to college. I, and my parents, had NO expectations of weekend visits, drop ins, etc.  I made it home for Christmas and maybe one Thanksgiving.

 

However, if there are serious health issues that both of you expect will have to be continued to be co-managed by parents and the student distance would be more of a factor.  That being said, I don't think an additional 2 hours would be a deal breaker for me.  (Of course, perspectives matter. If my dd goes to the US for college we are planning on moving so that we can be in the same COUNTRY with her.  I have no expectation that we will be within driving distance.)

[Susan in KY]

Friends change in college. They may have been thick as thieves at summer camp and won't be after the first semester. She should make her choice based on the school itself and the implications for *her* life, not her friends.

 

[DawnM]

Agreed.

 

I went to college 10,000 miles away and back then the phone service in their country was not good and there was no internet or cell phone service back then.  

 

Dawn

 

 

It depends on the expectations of the student and the family.  You mentioned maybe it was a "family culture" thing and I think you are right. For me, going away to college meant going AWAY to college. I, and my parents, had NO expectations of weekend visits, drop ins, etc.  I made it home for Christmas and maybe one Thanksgiving.

 

However, if there are serious health issues that both of you expect will have to be continued to be co-managed by parents and the student distance would be more of a factor.  That being said, I don't think an additional 2 hours would be a deal breaker for me.  (Of course, perspectives matter. If my dd goes to the US for college we are planning on moving so that we can be in the same COUNTRY with her.  I have no expectation that we will be within driving distance.)

 

[unsinkable]

My middle dd went to a university 3.5 hrs away... she has multiple health (and mental health) issues.
It was too far away. Her second semester there she had 3 ambulance rides in 2 weeks! (blood sugar issues).

She is now at a university she did NOT consider before that is less than 1 hour away. She actually LOVES the second one more. It is also better for DH and I-- when there is a crisis we can be there in less than an hour-- and there HAVE been several occasions.

This dd is also clinically depressed. I feel better having her closer.

We are in this boat. Ds has mental health issues and we had to eliminate 2 schools due to distance. I needed to be able to do a round trip in one day and 7 hours would be my max, which would mean 3.5 hours one way. Also, if I were stressed with worry about my child, 5 hours would be a long, difficult drive. Fortunately, there are some excellent schools within our distance criteria. I told my son he could not fall in love with a school until all the factors were considered ($$, distance, strength of the program, etc.)

I agree with you both.

It is a different dynamic when you are dealing with health issues, either mental or physical.

You need to pick the distance that makes sense to you and your family. There isn't one right answer for everyone.