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Divorce...I need some supportive words of encouragement


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Ok folks....I made a mistake waiting this long to file but I have called the lawyer and am hoping to get to see her asap with the paperwork she gave me a year ago.

It looks like now I will have to sell my home and I am just so scared about where I will live and how I will survive. I need to keep homeschooling for me as much as them. My job is nights and weekends anyway so I wouldn't ever see them if I put them in school. I am struggling with a new job that is so stressful. And I only get 25 hours a week...more than that was frying me but I see now I have no more choices for money.

I just need inspiration because I am already taking a beating from my facebook and my mother especially who hates that I homeschool and is just beating me down on what she would do in my situation.

So this is kind of a JAWM post and I just need some prayer and good thoughts my way cause I'm losing it here. I only held off to keep my health insurance but I should have filed a year ago and you all told me that. Can't change it now. How do I survive working so much and honeschooling. My kids are awesome and work a lot on their own. I am just chronically tired from all my asthma and allergies.

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: I am so sorry! I will prayer for you and send good thoughts your way.

 

All I can say is that you'll make it one day at a time. Try not overwhelm yourself right now, in this moment, worrying about the distant future.

 

I note that your children are 18, 15, and 9. Will your 18 year old live with you? If so, there is nothing wrong with asking him to help with housework, meal preparation, running errands, etc.

 

Your 15 year old may do well with online coursework, Kahn academy, etc. If you can outsource or have him work independently for some of his subjects, maybe that will give you some breathing room to work with your nine year old.

 

Keep posting so we can remember you in our thoughts, and provide you with encouragement.

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Thanks FaithManor.....Oldest is 19 now and unfortunately already moved out and is struggling himself.

They really do work a lot on their own and we do use Khan. I am struggling with hating my job and just not being home with them like I used to be. I am one of those people that when faced with a crowd can chat people up and be very social but it takes all my energy so I crash the next day. Well my job is so much customer service that on my day off I am useless and mostly nap.

I am trying not to worry to far ahead but it's so hard.

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Block or delete the people on FB who are not being supportive.  Don't give your mother any more fuel.  If she brings up homeschooling, tell her you aren't going to talk about it, and change the subject.  If she doesn't stop, then hang up the phone, or walk out the door. 

 

Breathe, and take one day at a time.  Start purging things you don't need, in expectation of moving to a smaller home.  Sit down w/ pencil and paper and make lists of what you need to do, crunch numbers, etc.  Take a walk or get some other exercise whenever possible, and whenever you get stressed.

 

:grouphug:

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Thanks FaithManor.....Oldest is 19 now and unfortunately already moved out and is struggling himself.

They really do work a lot on their own and we do use Khan. I am struggling with hating my job and just not being home with them like I used to be. I am one of those people that when faced with a crowd can chat people up and be very social but it takes all my energy so I crash the next day. Well my job is so much customer service that on my day off I am useless and mostly nap.

I am trying not to worry to far ahead but it's so hard.

 

Is he in the same town?  Is there any way he could move back in w/ you, and pay some rent while helping out?  Might help him, too.
 

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Oldest lives with his fiance (so young....I know) and signed a lease at the apt or else I would definitely ask him to come back.

I actually just finally blocked my mom from my cell phone. I have told her so many times to stop harping on me and be supportive or else I won't be speaking with her. So I'm not.

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Let yourself mourn for the life you planned, but then let it go for your own sake.  Everything is not going to work the way it did before.  It is up to you to get to a place where you can enjoy your new life.  That may mean changing some things that you thought were unchangeable.  :grouphug:

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I know it's hard to get rid of stuff, but I would consider ebay/craigslist/yard sales to sell as much excess as possible. It would help you build up a nest egg / emergency fund. For me at least - that eased the pain of getting rid of stuff.

 

*hugs*

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I know it's hard to get rid of stuff, but I would consider ebay/craigslist/yard sales to sell as much excess as possible. It would help you build up a nest egg / emergency fund. For me at least - that eased the pain of getting rid of stuff.

 

*hugs*

 

The funny or not so funny thing is I literally own nothing of value. So many things are broken and falling apart. So most of my decluttering will be junk pile or donate.

 

The only thing of value to me are my books and my pictures.

 

I should have joined in on the vent thread because everything I own is broken. My house will have to sell as a fixer upper cause some many things are beyond my ability to even repair.

 

But it will help me feel more controlled if I start packing things up and throwing things away.

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I'm sorry that you are going through this.

 

I have three friends who are single parent homeschoolers, and they are heroes to me.  They deal with far more difficulties than I do every day.  Each of them has taken different approaches to their situation, but each is doing fine after the divorce and their kids are doing well too.

 

It truly can be done!

 

 

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I'm sorry that you are going through this.

 

I have three friends who are single parent homeschoolers, and they are heroes to me.  They deal with far more difficulties than I do every day.  Each of them has taken different approaches to their situation, but each is doing fine after the divorce and their kids are doing well too.

 

It truly can be done!

 

Thank You.

 

I know there are others on this board but when faced with how to work enough this is a hard choice. But like I said the field I went into isn't a 9-5 anyway so this is a better option scheduling wise for me.

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Have you looked into renegotiating the mortgage with the lender?


The % is really low. I just can't afford the taxes, homeowners insurance and all other household expensives and the mortgage. I doubt I can even afford rent. I have to see how much the courts make him pay.
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I am starting today to get rid of any unnecessary stuff so it will be easier to move. How do I do it though? This is the only home two of my children ever lived in. I've been here 16 years. Just hurts...

 

First of all  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Next, look at apartments with pools. At 15 and 9 a pool would be pretty cool. Possibly even make up for sharing a room. Apartments can be a fun adventure. Plus, no maintenance for you.

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Stay away from FB if it causes you grief. Right now you need encouragement and someone to come beside you to support you.

Try not to worry about things you cannot judge yet because you don't have all the info, i.e. how much money you will have at your disposal, etc.

Perhaps the method of trying to do the "next thing" is helpful in the midst of pain and upheaval. Determine what is the next thing and think not too far ahead. You can always go into a planning session once you have more info.

 

Do you have a good girlfriend nearby who can be a sounding board? A relative who is helpful and non-judgmental?

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Sheesh! Lawyer called me back and I have an appt next week for her hourly wage but how the heck do people pay the retainer? I really think I need her to get me through this fairly but I make so little money how do I pay? I'm going to need so many jobs to get through this. 

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Off the wall, but would 19 year old and fiance move in with you together? Might be worht the financial hit of breaking the lease. 

 

I just don't think they will. He was difficult to live with so our relationship has been better with him gone. I wish I could rely on him but he was acting like he was taking care of me and acting stressed by it before he left.

 

He doesn't believe I should keep homeschooling either. He liked that he homeschooled but he thinks I don't have that option anymore so I am really on my own in this.

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Sheesh! Lawyer called me back and I have an appt next week for her hourly wage but how the heck do people pay the retainer? I really think I need her to get me through this fairly but I make so little money how do I pay? I'm going to need so many jobs to get through this.


I wish it was different. I will be paying my legal bill the rest of my life
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He doesn't believe I should keep homeschooling either. He liked that he homeschooled but he thinks I don't have that option anymore so I am really on my own in this.



Please have a "plan b". Homeschooling becomes very difficult I single parent/divorced situations. Even with the most staunch and diligent advocate. I joe you can continue but please have a back up plan in case you can't.
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Block or delete the people on FB who are not being supportive.  Don't give your mother any more fuel.  If she brings up homeschooling, tell her you aren't going to talk about it, and change the subject.  If she doesn't stop, then hang up the phone, or walk out the door. 

 

Breathe, and take one day at a time.  Start purging things you don't need, in expectation of moving to a smaller home.  Sit down w/ pencil and paper and make lists of what you need to do, crunch numbers, etc.  Take a walk or get some other exercise whenever possible, and whenever you get stressed.

 

:grouphug:

 

I love this. My heart goes out to you. Somebody you don't know at all is out here on the East Coast praying for amazing things to come your way. Shut down anyone and everyone who is not supportive. You can't afford negativity at this point. (Can we ever?)

 

Unicorn is so right about exercise. I've fought it all my life, but it really helps when the chips are down.

 

Who said, "When I'm at the end of my rope I tie on knot and hang on?"

 

Alley
 

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When I hired a divorce attorney, I put $2500 on a credit card.  My ex went through that pretty quickly with phone calls to the attny's assistant so I got several bills after that and just paid them when they came at that point because it was not a huge hit at once.

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There are options re: legal bills.  First, the court can order your xdh to pay your legal bills.  Ask your attorney if that is likely to happen.  Hourly rates are negotiable as well.  Some lawyers might give you a break when they see your circumstances.  Your state bar office might have a list of low cost family law referrals - many maintain such a list.  There also may be a family law legal clinic run by legal aid.  If you don't have much property and don't anticipate a custody battle, you may not need the services of a high-end divorce attorney.  You may need someone to talk you through the process, draw up the paperwork and keep things on track.

 

Is xdh likely to pay his child support on time every month?  If not, and I do hate to say this, you might need to look for different work.  It sounds like working nights is exhausting.  Can you get a day shift?  Kids can be tasked with their independent study and you can check up on the work in the evening.

 

Re moving.  I know losing the house can be the hardest part of the divorce psychologically.  However, if your house is in need of work, and full of broken stuff, this sounds like a great way for you to get a new fresh start. Do a massive de-clutter.  Get all that stuff out.  Get the kids involved in looking for a new place.  Sell the home and the hassle.  This could be great for all of you!

 

Best of luck!

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I just put most of my disposable income for the next few months/ several months on deposit for a lawyer for divorce, we've been separated for a year. Honestly, I'm going to school full time online and that is my job right now. I'll have to work this summer and I'm freaking out hoping I can find something in our location. Ds has just over 2 years left of homeschooling, there is no way to stop now, but I've had to adjust our sails. 

 

I feel like everything is perpetually on hold and I'm exhausted all the time. My parents needed us today for an emergency, so we spent all day with them getting no school done. 

 

I try to find the good side, one is that things are better without the stress of dh being here. I don't hate him, I just can't be married to him (for all those reasons that go into a decision of that magnitude). I feel more at peace with myself and when I actually find time to appreciate that part I feel okay. Ds and I are close, it's hard. 

 

Half of my facebook friends, my IRL ones, have no clue about our separation. I need it to stay that way for now. I PMed a bunch of people, I talk with some others on a regular basis, and I hid my marriage status for now. Once the divorce is final (paperwork sitting on my desk now), I'll change it. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: You have my sympathies. If you need to vent or whine to someone outside the situation, feel free to PM me. 

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I just put most of my disposable income for the next few months/ several months on deposit for a lawyer for divorce, we've been separated for a year. Honestly, I'm going to school full time online and that is my job right now. I'll have to work this summer and I'm freaking out hoping I can find something in our location. Ds has just over 2 years left of homeschooling, there is no way to stop now, but I've had to adjust our sails. 

 

I feel like everything is perpetually on hold and I'm exhausted all the time. My parents needed us today for an emergency, so we spent all day with them getting no school done. 

 

I try to find the good side, one is that things are better without the stress of dh being here. I don't hate him, I just can't be married to him (for all those reasons that go into a decision of that magnitude). I feel more at peace with myself and when I actually find time to appreciate that part I feel okay. Ds and I are close, it's hard. 

 

Half of my facebook friends, my IRL ones, have no clue about our separation. I need it to stay that way for now. I PMed a bunch of people, I talk with some others on a regular basis, and I hid my marriage status for now. Once the divorce is final (paperwork sitting on my desk now), I'll change it. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: You have my sympathies. If you need to vent or whine to someone outside the situation, feel free to PM me. 

 

I typed a long response that seems to have disappeared.

 

I may take you up on the offer to PM cause this sucks!

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There are options re: legal bills.  First, the court can order your xdh to pay your legal bills.  Ask your attorney if that is likely to happen.  Hourly rates are negotiable as well.  Some lawyers might give you a break when they see your circumstances.  Your state bar office might have a list of low cost family law referrals - many maintain such a list.  There also may be a family law legal clinic run by legal aid.  If you don't have much property and don't anticipate a custody battle, you may not need the services of a high-end divorce attorney.  You may need someone to talk you through the process, draw up the paperwork and keep things on track.

 

Is xdh likely to pay his child support on time every month?  If not, and I do hate to say this, you might need to look for different work.  It sounds like working nights is exhausting.  Can you get a day shift?  Kids can be tasked with their independent study and you can check up on the work in the evening.

 

Re moving.  I know losing the house can be the hardest part of the divorce physiologically.  However, if your house is in need of work, and full of broken stuff, this sounds like a great way for you to get a new fresh start. Do a massive de-clutter.  Get all that stuff out.  Get the kids involved in looking for a new place.  Sell the home and the hassle.  This could be great for all of you!

 

Best of luck!

 

I am trying to look at it that way. This house I loved but it really is a mess. I don't mind my schedule too much cause I can be with the kids in the day but I just find what I do to be particularly stressful. I can't imagine with my slim work experience being able to do anything else. No day shift since I am the newby and those are taken by the other techs.

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I'm sorry you're going through this. I'll add to what a couple of other posters have said, that your post-divorce life will be less stressful than your pre-divorce life. My life as a single parent to four is stressful, trying to homeschool the two eldest through exams, dealing with two in schools that are giving me trouble, looking for paid work, but it is SO much LESS stressful than being married was. And that's even with my xDH being a pretty nice okay person (at least in terms of not being nasty and harassing). We all went together recently to hear a concert that two of mine were in, and even though we all got along fine, I was so happy that xDH went off to his own place afterward and the rest of us could go to ours. I hope you'll find a similar peace amid the chaos. PM me if you like.

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I am so sorry. It is totally reasonable that your situation invokes a lot of fear. 

 

You said this is a JAWM thread and what I am about to say may not seem like it, but I hope that you'll read on and know that I'm trying to help you get what you want.  In your situation, it is very reasonable for people who know you and love you to see homeschooling as a source of stress. You experience it as a place where you recuperate and it's your life and you get to call the shots.

 

But when people who love you have a reasonable point, it's a much more effective strategy to concede that they have a reasonable point than to simply resist it. So saying something like, "Mom & others, I know that you have my best interests at heart and you have a very valid point that something needs to shift in my life because I'm under so much stress. To you, it sounds the most reasonable to drop homeschooling. I totally understand why it looks that way to you.  I have listened to you and weighed your reasons but I have not come to the same conclusion. Perhaps I will change my mind in the future . Please know that I have heard you and your words are in my head, but for right now, I don't believe that is the right option for me. One thing that would relieve some of my stress is if you would agree not to bring it up again and trust me to keep it in mind. What would help me most right now is for you to support me with your love and encouragement. " If she begins to argue, don't give your reasons. Just say, "I'm not sure that you would understand my reasons, but I would appreciate it if you would respect my decision even if you don't understand it. I don't want to keep debating it. " If you vent with her about your stress, either stop telling her about it or give her things to say and do that WILL help you. "Mom, sometimes I just need someone to listen to me. I'm not asking you to fix it. I'm just asking for a listening ear." 

 

You can keep your support system healthy by spreading around the venting. For instance, say there are 5 people you might vent with. Kind of rotate them in terms of who you are sharing the stress with. Make sure each of them sometimes gets a phone call or visit when you discuss only neutral topics and when they ask how you are doing, share what you are thankful for, or what is going well, or something that made you happy that day and then change back to neutral topics.

 

Do be aware that when others see people struggling, believe they see a clear way out, and the person won't take it, many of them will back away. Conceding that they have a point and that you will keep it in mind will make it less likely that they say, "Fine. She made her bed; let her lie in it."   It will also make it easier if you arrive at that conclusion yourself later.

 

Note: I am not saying anything against your decision. I totally get how homeschooling can be restorative. You are the one who needs to evaluate the pros and cons of any decision about your life.( As Glorfindel said to Frodo, "Advice is a dangerous gift even from the wise to the wise for all courses may run ill." So each person needs to make her own choices.) But it is a totally understandable thing if you enjoy homeschooling, want to see your kids, and want to maintain some routine . I want to make sure that you don't read my post as agreeing with your mother and others. I'm trying to help you maintain relationships with them You want to keep as many people as possible IN your support system and diminish stress from within your support system.  I believe conceding that they have a point that you will continue to consider is also the best way to get them to back off.

 

 

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