Need feedback on dc's WWS wk. 1 day 3 writing

[Annabel Lee]

The main WWS assignments thread said to post here for help, critique, and suggestions on dc's writing, if I understand correcty. 

 

This dc is newly 13, and this assignment is from is Writing With Skill Week 1 Day 3.  He had a hard time breaking up some of his ideas for the initial list of 6 or 7 phrases or short sentences.  Some of his sentences & phrases for this list included compound sentences.  Here was his original list, typed exacty as written:
 

"*Peter wanted ships for trading, and for a navy.  *He needed to capture Azov *for a port.  *Azov had ships to give them food and ammunition, while Peter's men were low on them.  *Peter built a navy and *stopped the ships from coming and *they took the city."

 

When I reminded him it was supposed to be 6 or 7 short sentences or phrases, he couldn't come up with anything else.  I showed him how he already had them within what he wrote (each short bit marked with a *).  Then, I helped him clarify the content.  I told him when introducing someone for the first time in writing, he needs be most specific at first and can then reference the person with a pronoun or shorter version of their name after that.  I told him it needs to specify something about the Turks, as he didn't mention them.  With much hand-holding and guidance (I focused on having him clarify what he was conveying, asking "Who did he want to trade with", "Whose ships?" and such), this is his final product, typed as written:

"Peter the Great of Russia wanted ships for trading with the west, and for a navy.  He needed to capture Azov for a port.  Turkish ships constantly sailed into Azov with food and ammo, while Peter's men were low on them.  Peter built a navy, which stopped the Turkish ships from coming.  Peter's men took the port of Azov."

 

It sounds like something is wrong, but I'm not sure how to help him.  Technically, the whole thing needs to be completely revised, but he was already spent.  How do I help him?  Does it appear he needs to put WWS on hold and do something else first?  I know how I would write it, but I don't know how to help him get from A to B.

 

Your help is greatly appreciated. :)

 

 

 

[eternalsummer]

Honestly, I think it looks good.  What do you feel is wrong with it?  We've been going through WWS1 for the past month or two (my daughter is almost 9), and I'm not hugely focused on perfection at every stage - as long as the basic requirement of the lesson was met, we move on.  That summary makes sense to me.