Opinions on responsibility of adult kids during times of $ crisis (Not a JAWM and seeking range of opinion)

[Joanne]

What do you think should be the role of a young adult child, still living in the home, if finances are very tight?

 

In this "hypothetical", child works part time, has graduated high school, and is in a "holding pattern" before they will (supposedly) enter the miliary (child needs to take care of some things first).

 

Crisis is multi-caused, but most recently by major car accident in the fall and child support completely stopping ($197 total this year). Non-payer is being brought to court.

 

The family already lives in the lowest and smallest how that is still somewhat safe in terms of neighborhood. 2 minor aged (high school) students are in the home. Adult child shares a room with younger brother.

 

Luxuries include: smart phones. Cars are paid for 1994 jeep (not running) and 2006 Pontiac G6 (making payments). DD has laptop (Christmas present from non child support paying Dad) and Mom has 7+ year old laptop. All 3 kids have kindles from their Dad (Christmas presents a year ago) and Mom has basic kindle (no white light).

 

Mom recently dropped part time job, and went full time at one job. Mom is building - very slowly - a private practice. The "cost" of the job change was $400 less income a month. However, second job was far in terms of commute and costly in gas and time and hard on car.

 

My thoughts, and I am not terribly strong in them, is that adiult child should at minimum contribute to smart phone cost and car insurance cost and cover any additional or special toiletries or clothes. And get a full time job. ;)

 

Your thoughts? My perception is that in earlier times, helping the family would have been the default expectation.

 

[Sarah CB]

My thoughts are that the adult child should already be paying his own smart phone costs and if the child has some use of the car then a contribution to car insurance should be given.  All of the adult child's toiletries and clothes should be paid for by the adult child and that child should also contribute something to the household to go towards rent and food.

[busymama7]

I agree with you and might go so far as to say thy rent should be paid. Adult not going to school supports themselves and does not work part time.

[Amy in NH]

 

[sNIP]

 

My thoughts, and I am not terribly strong in them, is that adiult child should at minimum contribute to smart phone cost and car insurance cost and cover any additional or special toiletries or clothes. And get a full time job. ;)

 

Your thoughts? My perception is that in earlier times, helping the family would have been the default expectation.

 

 

 

Yes, to all of this. 

 

IMO, an out of high school young-adult child who is not furthering their education should at the very least be paying for his own personal expenses even when times aren't tight.

[Seeker of Schole]

Adult child should pay for phone, car insurance, clothes and toiletries, minimum.

[Anne in CA]

This is a huge bone of contention with our 25yo who has been dying to move home and have us to take care of her since she was 18. Previous to being 18 she said she was dying to be on her own :glare:. We are paying our dd's smart phone every month because she is still in college (long story she has dropped out twice) but I put my foot down and we will stop paying on her 26th birthday this year. I would not pay for a phone for another adult living in the house and not contributing.

 

Also, BTDT with joining the military after you lose some weight. Even when the weight was lost she did not join the military, by then she was too used to her independence and there was another reason. But I would tell ds that if you get some child support you would put it toward his food and rent, but he needs to pay his own phone and get a full time job. But I don't know many kids that age that have full time jobs. Mostly employers don't want to hire them full time, they really need two part time jobs and that can be tricky to juggle. Also, while there are some hard working young people out there, not many kids that age want to do more than play video games most of the time.

[bettyandbob]

I agree adult child should contribute something and should seek full time work.  How much is his part of the phone plan? 

 

But I'm learning that my ideas of what an adult child should do and what adult child actually does are different.

 

One thing I've been told is to not formally charge rent. Because if things get to the point that you feel you must kick the adult child out of the house, having charged rent can put you in a landlord situation and you may have to go through the eviction process. I'm stressed, but I'm not at the point of moving child out. There are days when I am barely hanging on.  

 

I'm right there with you on this thing. Growing up seems to be very hard to do. I hope it works out for you.

[AlmiraGulch]

I think the adult child should pay his own cell phone, toiletries, clothing, gasoline, and contribute to the car insurance, and perhaps pick up some groceries at the store here and there.

 

I would not charge rent (yet), if he really is trying to work things out to go into the military, but I would wonder why he wouldn't pick up a 2nd PT job if he were unable to get full-time hours at the existing job.

[gardenmom5]

something similar.

 

out of high school living at home are required to contribute. (cell phones, car insurance, etc.)  life ain't free.  one moved home after graduating college and working full time - she was also required to pay rent.  she complained, but it was still a fraction of what a one-bedroom apartment goes for around here.  (she bought a house and moved out.)

 

what does this hypothetical child think he should/could contribute to helping out with?

[texasmama]

I think your expectation are very appropriate (and I tend to be a "softie").  Even if the family finances were not stressed, I think that an adult child in these circumstances should contribute to his upkeep. 

 

My college freshman works part-time for spending money and will work all summer and bank much of her money.  She intends to get a job next year working more hours and pay for more of her living expenses (utilities, gas money for car).  Her grandparents left a fund to pay for college, and her dad (my ex) will pay her rent.  Dh and I keep her on our cell phone plan and pay for this (not substantial since we have a three person plan), and we provide some clothing, toiletries, and the occasional bit of gas money.  Next year, I plan to help with her food since she will be in an apartment and not the dorm.  Dd has a desire to work and help support herself. 

 

Also, to provide another perspective (anecdotal), a colleague has an 18 year old dd who just had a baby last week and is wanting to get a job as soon as possible.  Her mother has had to hold her back to give herself at least a month post-partum to recover from the birth before hitting the job market.  She does not want to be dependent on her mother for support.  When she was pregnant, she attended community college full time and held a full time job at a warehouse.  Her work schedule began at 5 am, and she went from work to her college courses. It was a grueling schedule, and she did all of it while pregnant.  Her mother was not financially able to support her, so she worked and supported herself (though she did live with mom).  I was impressed with this!

[lavender's green]

Take this with a grain of salt, because I'm at least 16 year away from having to deal with it, but...

 

I think your plan is fair, and I think it would be fair to consider charging a room/board fee.  I'm in the Millennial generation and can't tell you how many young people I've seen just mooch off their parents.  Into their 30s.  Because they can.

 

You could look up the average cost to split an apartment in your general area.  Charge a bit less if you want to keep the kid home and a bit more if you want to account for food.  Based on watching my peers, I believe in a small dose of tough love. :grouphug:

[Carrie12345]

What do you think should be the role of a young adult child, still living in the home, if finances are very tight?

 

My thoughts, and I am not terribly strong in them, is that adiult child should at minimum contribute to smart phone cost and car insurance cost and cover any additional or special toiletries or clothes. And get a full time job. ;)

 

Your thoughts? My perception is that in earlier times, helping the family would have been the default expectation.

 

Yes, at minimum.

[Isabella]

IMO, there shouldn't be any confusion for a mentally and physically able adult to be paying all their own costs, plus a share of the cost of whosever car (or other item) they have some use of.  Plus a share towards rent/food.

 

My adult kids pay $70 a week board, and I'm also just now starting to expect them to contribute physically (cleaning/cooking) to the smooth running of the household.  It doesn't do them any favours to do it all yourself (financially or physically).  I'm saying this also to cement it in my own mind! ;)

 

My oldest daughter has had several mental breakdowns, and at those times, we've deemed her unable to earn or study, and therefore we paid all her costs.  She had a small savings, but we preferred her to keep it.  She insists on paying us back when she's better and earning, and we insist we don't want it.  A compromise of paying us back for vehicle and phone bills has worked for us.  We write off living expenses.  We would do this for any adult child in the same situation if they were not otherwise supported by partner.  The hard thing is ascertaining when they are able to get a job, and encouraging them to do it.

[zoobie]

Without financial stress, a healthy adult child not in school should be contributing. Smart phone would be a luxury, behind rent and food and car insurance.

[Wilma]

All of the personal expenses (clothing, phone, insurance, etc.) should paid by the adult. I would suggest that rather than charging rent, you and the adult/child determine an appropriate amount to be into a long-term savings account for their future house/apt/car/whatever. Then you'd avoid a landlord situation and the adult/child would know that you have their best interests in mind.

 

It might be helpful to think of how you would deal with the same situation if it were not your kid - a nephew, a cousin, a sister - some other adult that was needing to share your living space for a time. What would you expect financially and in terms of keeping the household running?

[Occasionally]

When I was younger and my dad was out of work, any adult-aged children living at home (in college or not) were expected to pay for their own clothing, insurance, etc. (no smart phones then.) In addition, they were responsible for one of the household bills each. I was maybe fifteen at the time, and I remember paying for my own clothes from my part-time job, though it wasn't expected.

[Joanne]

I am jumping in to say that I think expecting rent is, in this situation, not appropriate. I didn't mention it in the OP, but he shares not only a room but a BED with younger brother in a tiny, tiny room.

 

But eat? He does that. LOL.

He is already expected to (and does) do clean up during the day, and is off from the duty when we all come home.

[Wheres Toto]

When i was a teenager, we were very broke. Both my brother and i had jobs from about 12/13 years old - paper routes and babysitting type stuff, then i worked retail job at 16. Pat time during school, full time during breaks. I paid rent ($60 a week), my own clothes, and extras. No cell phones or computers back then and i didnt drive until I was 19. Once i drove i could only use the car for work, and had my own junker by 20 and paid all costs.

 

My oldest works parttime, goes to school full time, pays her own room nd board (givrs us 80% of hrr pay) and buys her own clothes. She pays for gas for any far personal trips (shore or to visit friends at other colleges) and going out with friends.

 

I think what you are considering is fair regardless of financial situation and agree full time or a second part time job should be found.

[Arcadia]

My thoughts, and I am not terribly strong in them, is that adiult child should at minimum contribute to smart phone cost and car insurance cost and cover any additional or special toiletries or clothes. And get a full time job. ;)

 

Your thoughts? My perception is that in earlier times, helping the family would have been the default expectation.

I agree. I had a 6 month gap between high school graduation and university matriculation. My parents don't need any financial help so I paid for my monthly bus stamp (don't drive), "luxury" food and phone card (before cell phone era).

If finances are tight, in my extended family anyone not in school is expected to chip in financially in whatever amount they can.

[Wheres Toto]

When i was a teenager, we were very broke. Both my brother and i had jobs from about 12/13 years old - paper routes and babysitting type stuff, then i worked retail job at 16. Pat time during school, full time during breaks. I paid rent ($60 a week), my own clothes, and extras. No cell phones or computers back then and i didnt drive until I was 19. Once i drove i could only use the car for work, and had my own junker by 20 and paid all costs.

 

My oldest works parttime, goes to school full time, pays her own room nd board (givrs us 80% of hrr pay) and buys her own clothes. She pays for gas for any far personal trips (shore or to visit friends at other colleges) and going out with friends.

 

I think what you are considering is fair regardless of financial situation and agree full time or a second part time job should be found.

[Ottakee]

Well, I am mean.  I would say that all 3 of the kids should be paying for their own phones and helping towards gas/car expenses.  Unless there is a reason not too, the other highschool kids could get a part time job.

 

The adult child should for sure be contributing to the household expenses---phone, internet, cable, utilities, food, etc.---all things that increase with another person there.  They should be covering their clothing, toiletries, recreation, etc.

 

I guess I am mean as because once I turned about 12, I was paying for my own clothing, toiletries, and recreation.  I saved for and bought my own car at 16 and paid for the insurance and all repairs and gas myself.  By college age I had no financial help from home.  That was just the way it was.  It was common in my social circle for us to all have jobs starting at 12 (rural area and babysitting helped) and "real" jobs by 16 or so.

[lavender's green]

I've already posted upthread, but, yeah:

 

I think your expectations are fair.  And frankly, a smart phone is a luxury.  He could get by just fine with a dumb phone for emergencies. 

 

Like I said, I'm a Millennial.  I don't have a smart phone.  I'm a little busy paying the mortgage and 4 people's worth of living expenses on one income. ;)  I personally feel like a smart phone is a fun gadget you can pay for after everything else is taken care of.  Dumb phones work just fine, I promise. :D

[regentrude]

A young adult who has graduated high school and is not attending college should have a full time job and pay for all his personal expenses as well as contribute to household expenses.

 

ETA: I would not expect a full time student to have a job, since I consider education a full-plus-overtime responsibilty. But I see no reason why an adult who is not going to school (or raising a child) should only work part time.

[Garga]

I remember being desperate to grow up and move out. I was ready to be an adult. I got married and moved out at 19 and have been happily on my own (well, with a husband) ever since.

 

But at the same time, I remember still feeling like a kid in the house from between 18-19 years old. At that age, it would have been a novel idea that my parents thought of me as a contributing adult in the household.

 

My parents did not expect anything from me at that time, except to make my own car payments. They paid my insurance and didn't expect me to pay rent or do specific chores. This is bizarre to me as they generally believed in independence and I certainly was chomping at the bit for independence.

 

With all that said, I think a gentle talk with the adult in the home is due. Perhaps point out that you have taken care of your sweet baby and been the momma, but now you've finished your job of raising a child. Your child is now an adult. If it were me, I would state the problem and ask the now-adult for solutions to the problem. Rather than telling, I would ask and see what he comes up with. I wouldn't let him offer the only ideas. I would do it as a brainstorming session. I'd write down all the ideas, yours and his, good or bad, and then go back and sort through the best ones and work from there.

 

That's what I would do. And yes, my contribution to the brainstorming session would be for my grown son to pay his own way for everything he has at the least (car, phone, luxuries.) And also to help out physically in the home (cleaning or maintaining something) and perhaps to help with other bills that affect him (electric, water, food).

[catz]

Smart phone is definitely a luxury in my world. I got my first smart phone in the last month (Republic Wireless $10/month unlimited talk/text wireless only internet plan after you buy the phone) and we would be considered upper middle class. I think all your expectations are more than reasonable. Contributing to groceries seems like it should happen too. If this young adult is just working part time, is not schooling, and has free time, then definitely should be looking for a full time job or a 2nd job.

[Beth S]

Our kids grew up knowing that they would need to fund their own car insurance, gas, cell phones, laptops, clothes, toiletries from age 17 on (once they had a part-time job).

They are also responsible for buying their own college textbooks, and have managed to get scholarships for tuition, thankfully.

Honestly, it is an excellent way to teach them how to make good financial choices for the future.

While they are full-time students, we pay for room and board.

But they know they must work during school breaks, too.

 

In your case, I would also consider charging a percentage of his wages for board. Or set up a phase-in period if his enlistment date is more than 3 months away.

 

Our goal is to raise self-reliant children who are eager to move out into the adult world.  Yes, there is a transition period, and yes, everyone has set-backs. But we talk about all of this regularly as a family.

 

If you are having difficulty enforcing this, then give them 30 days notice.  It's really to help them take on the adult role they are old enough to take on.

 

Someday soon he will find a girl he wants to marry!  Now is the time to prepare for hard decisions.

[Tammi K]

My thoughts, and I am not terribly strong in them, is that adiult child should at minimum contribute to smart phone cost and car insurance cost and cover any additional or special toiletries or clothes. And get a full time job. ;)

 

Your thoughts? My perception is that in earlier times, helping the family would have been the default expectation.

 

But, consider that by asking your adult child to contribute to the household as you indicated in your post, you ARE HELPING.  Adults are expected to make their own way in the world. For some the process is less linear or the path is longer. So, helping by providing food and shelter is perhaps a necessary benefit until the adult child is able to be self-sufficient. However, I think we deprive the adult child of learning independence when we provide all and ask for nothing in return.

[lavender's green]

I am jumping in to say that I think expecting rent is, in this situation, not appropriate. I didn't mention it in the OP, but he shares not only a room but a BED with younger brother in a tiny, tiny room.

 

But eat? He does that. LOL.

He is already expected to (and does) do clean up during the day, and is off from the duty when we all come home.

 

This is a tough case, and I think only you can answer what his needs are.  Does he need to get out of the house (keeping in mind that a decent number of Millennials are moochers)?  Does he need a place to stay while he works on getting into the military, or other longish-term thing?  Or something in between: does he need to experience the responsibility of paying certain bills while other things are automatically provided for?

 

[Corraleno]

I think the adult child should pay his own cell phone, toiletries, clothing, gasoline, and contribute to the car insurance, and perhaps pick up some groceries at the store here and there.

 

I would not charge rent (yet), if he really is trying to work things out to go into the military, but I would wonder why he wouldn't pick up a 2nd PT job if he were unable to get full-time hours at the existing job.

 

 

Exactly this.

[Word Nerd]

I don't think those expectations are unreasonable at all. I also don't see it as "helping the family" so much as it is taking age-appropriate personal responsibility and becoming a self-sufficient adult.

[LostSurprise]

With no financial distress an adult child should take care of their own expenses (phone, gas, insurance, special snacks, entertainment) and contribute something toward the house. In some families that would be chores. I like the idea of paying a set amount per month to be set aside for a down payment on an apartment or car. 

 

 

In a family with financial distress I would assume that the adult child living at home would do whatever they could to help the family get through until they were more solvent. That would mean getting a part time job if they were going to school or a full time job if they're not. In that situation my sister and I bought groceries and/or split bills with my mom. My mom didn't ask us to do that. We did it because we are family and we felt responsible for each other. And yes, we shared beds and tiny rooms. That didn't matter. What mattered is that my little brother had school fees, we all had enough to eat, and a place to live. What mattered was that we could all get to our jobs and things had time to get better. 

 

That's from my own situation though. I understand many people don't want to let their children contribute in that way..or perhaps it never occurs to their children to do so. 

[Susan C.]

Hmmmm. Another way to approach it is to figure out what it would cost you if he didn't live with you. Then see how much he "costs." Unfortunately, some of the problem is yours (higher expenses than income), and some is his (not covering his expenses). If you won't move when he moves out, then rent and all utilities except for maybe a little water are your responsibility. Also, his food and clothes go under "cost." Phone, well, if you don't have a land line, he can't go without. I provide phones to my kids, but not smart phones. That is because I want them to pick them up when I call, lol. I do pay as you go, and both of them together are $35-$40/month. Also, its easier to say "get another job" than it is to get one. My ds is having a slow start into working full time, but is trying. We can help him, making him pay will just delay him being able to launch out. But if we couldn't, it would go back to what I first said, how much does he cost.

[zoobie]

I am jumping in to say that I think expecting rent is, in this situation, not appropriate. I didn't mention it in the OP, but he shares not only a room but a BED with younger brother in a tiny, tiny room.

 

But eat? He does that. LOL.

He is already expected to (and does) do clean up during the day, and is off from the duty when we all come home.

 

Little brother might want to charge him rent! ;)

 

Good luck figuring out a solution! Suddenly my toddler looks like a piece of cake. 

[Haiku]

Imo, an adult child shouldn't be living at home with only a part-time job (unless, for some reason, there are truly are no jobs to be had in the local economy; if a full-time job can't be found, get two part-time jobs). Said adult child should be paying for all his or her own toys (including cell phone) and extras, his or her own car insurance/gas, and 1/whateverth of the family's living expenses (if there are 5 in the family, said adult child pays 1/5 of the rent/mortgage, utility bills, food bill, cable/internet, etc).

 

Said adult child also helps out in whatever other ways are specified by the parent, because living at home is way cheaper than living in your own or with a roommate, so adult child realizes that he or she has a responsibility to the parent for allowing such an inexpensive lifestyle.

 

 

[Danestress]

I would not charge rent and would prefer I pay for food he eats at home. If he is making serious progress towards joining the military, I would prefer to take care of what I could food wise. I would want him to have one last period in my home as my child.

 

I definitely would expect him to pay his phone bill and to pay for clothes and other incidentals, his gas, etc.

 

But the money for me, was not as big an issue the year my child lived at home After college. The big thing for me was that he act like a kind, respectful son and brother. This situation sounds like the money is a legitimate issue. Mom can't pay for things she has no money for, so she may not be able to be indulgent. In that case, he needs to help.

[itsheresomewhere]

In our house the adult child will either be in school or working.  It does not have to be full time work but I expect the child to be contributing to the household.  Either by getting groceries, taking care of the yard, paying a bill(if they can), helping with siblings/parents if needed, etc.  If the adult child is doing none of those, we will be having a come to head meeting.  The child will either step up or be asked to pay rent or find out how life is elsewhere.  The child will buy their own clothes, pay for phone/car/insurance, and do their own laundry.  That is how I was raised and I want that for my kids.  I was never charged rent as I was contributing to the household.  With how the economy is going I think full time work for my kids when they are old enough might be hard to get for awhile.  

 

 

[Excelsior! Academy]

My oldest is only 17.  I am about as qualified on adult children living at home as I was to give advice to parents when I was not a parent myself. 

 

Irrelavant of the household income any adult living in another adult's home should contribute to said home.  That may look different in each home, but to live rent-free because you feel entitled to just doesn't fly.  You can pick up a prepaid phone at the dollar store with minutes starting around $15 a month.  Paying your part of the insurance is good life preparation for anyone who drives.  Special toiletries and clothing...um yeah, an adult should cover those too.  Most teens could even cover their own, there is no reason an adult could not.  If you are not in school and have no major aspirations or reasons preventing you need to get off of your sweet little bum and get a job. Until then you ought to have the cleanest house and most manicured lawn in the neighborhood while said adult occupies their time.  :) 

[Lara in Colo]

Well, when in a similar situation when I was 15-16- my mother was out of work and I had a part time gig at McDonalds.  I remember giving my entire paycheck to her.  She also paid for everything I did, but there was just the basics, no clothes shopping or stuff like that. 

 

Money is very tight for us right now-- this weekend the dryer broke--and I needed a tooth pulled.  Three of my four children offered to help pay for these things-- my children are 9,10,12,13

 

[Truscifi]

I think your expectations would be my bare minimum if times weren't tight. I would say at least that *and* contribute toward food, and gas if he uses the car.

[school17777]

My minor children pay for their own cellphone (smart phone). I don't even have one. So, I totally think an adult kid should be paying for their own.

[Haiku]

Money is very tight for us right now-- this weekend the dryer broke--and I needed a tooth pulled.  Three of my four children offered to help pay for these things-- my children are 9,10,12,13

 

My kids have also offered to help pay for household expenses at times. We have always raised our kids with the idea that we are a family, we are in this together, and we have mutual responsibility for one another, our home, and our animals. We have never given them the idea that Mom and Dad are responsible for everything and all the kids have to do is enjoy it. If they want money, they work for it. If they want something expensive, they pay (or help pay) for it. If there is a financial crisis (as there was several years ago when the company dh worked for reduced everyone's hours and pay 25%), we dealt with it as a family, not as Mom and Dad shouldering the entire burden. I'm glad my kids have the outlook that we are all contributors to the family, not that they have no responsibility.

 

My parents paid for everything and never discusses finances with me up until the day they separated. I believed that we could afford anything, and therefore I should get it. It was quite a shock when I realized that my parents could not/would not pay for everything for me anymore. I started paying my mom rent when I was 17. I was very put out about it for a few months until I really looked at her life, how hard she was working, and how much she was struggling. It was an aha moment for me, but it shouldn't have taken that family tragedy for me to be clued in.

[elegantlion]

Just a note: sometimes smart phones are just as cheap as dumb ones, depends upon the plan and pre-existing phones. If you have the same carrier upgrade credit can make a smart phone free, and sometimes the plan are similarly priced. 

 

As to the scenario: phone, car insurance, and I would charge some rent to cover utility expenses. If you want to be nice, save it and give it back to them at some point after they move out. 

 

We're in the tight tight spot right now. Ds is putting off getting his license (not that he's in a hurry to anyway) because of car insurance cost. At this point I pay for necessities, he buys any "wants" on his own. Internet is our splurge and electricity, ;)

 

As for the job is the part-time 10-15 hours a week or 20-30? 

 

Also I would consider a back-up plan in case the military doesn't work out. I know someone right now that may not graduate basic training and their parent doesn't want them moving back home, where they lived before they left. I'm sure you've got contingency, however. 

 

If it's a case of "I need you as much as you need me" type thing, i could see being light on the rent as long as they were helpful and had a decent attitude about it. 

 

Sometimes life sucks and it helps to know your family is pulled together and trying to get through it together. 

[Lurker]

When I lived at home, after grad school and before I'd saved enough money for my own place, I paid for all of my personal expenses (phone, car insurance, clothes, hair, eating out, etc) and also paid a small monthly rent (around $300/month). He's an adult, he needs to pull his weight.

[abba12]

Among my social circles as a teen most families functioned about the same.

 

Teens, unless they were taking 'extra' educational stuff (in-school traineeships, kids on advanced college tracks, volunteering for work experience, things specifically related to their chosen field outside school hours which didn't pay, etc) got jobs as early as they could (legal age here was 14y 9m, some got them earlier, almost everyone had one by 16)

 

At this point, teens began paying board. Most families charged a percentage of income, between 30% and 75% usually (somewhat dependent on whether child required parent to drive them to/from work and how expenses like extracurriculars were covered).

 

Children did not get phones until they could pay for them, at which point most got a pre-paid phone (in some families, like mine, mum and dad bought a family mobile which I could take to use to call them when I was out, but was not allowed to do anything else with.)

 

Once child began working they also began to take on some other expenses, appropriate to the income level. (child working 6 hours a week couldn't do more than board, phone and spending money to see a movie with friends etc, but teens who had 20 hour work weeks or were promoted to manager at mcdonalds etc would take care of their clothes, cars, insurance, etc)

 

After graduation, if child did not go into further study immediately, they would be expected to be doing something. Now, I don't agree that an adult must be working full time, part time was ok, but the other 'part' of their time must be used on something constructive. Some of my friends volunteered, or persued unofficial study/unpaid work experience or intensive fitness programs or became significantly involved in the running of the household or care of a disabled/elderly relative. My SIL does this now, working part time but she is also responsible for meals and cleaning almost entirely because MIL has had to go back to full time work. So child doesn't necessarily have to work full time imo, but they shouldn't be sitting around playing computer games all day, if they are trying to go millitary then they had best be doing some daily training, preparing any requirements, and finding a good use for the rest of their time. 

 

----------------------------

 

So in the instance you described, I would be expecting

Board (I know you said rent is a little much because they are sharing a bed, fair enough, but the child eats, uses electricity, uses internet, uses water, is covered by any household insurances, etc. I would at least add their portion of these expenses up, or at the very, very least I would ask for a contribution to the grocery budget)

Pays own phone

Pays own (or portion of, depending on use) insurance and fuel

Pays own clothes/social events/treats/books and CDs/whatever

Either looks for full time work until ready for millitary, or is doing something constructive with their time, including chores and helping with household things in leu of paying full rent.

 

Also, I would encourage the high schoolers to look for part time work unless there is a genuine reason not to.

 

The family works as a unit. I suppose I have a different view to many people, but once a child is a teenager they are, to me, an equal partner in this whole 'family' thing (that doesn't cross the lines into parenting). I don't have teens yet but among the families around me growing up, our parents saw their jobs after we were 14 or so to be much less about direct parenting, and more about mentoring, guiding and supporting, and it created a dynamic where even 14yos, and younger, felt some responsibility to caring for the family unit, rather than entitled to their parents paying for them until they're 25. I knew one teen who was the primary breadwinner so his mum could stay home and care for his younger siblings after his dad left. I knew others who, during tight times, chose to use their paycheck to buy shoes for their siblings. There's no resentment because it was all about attitudes towards family. They were respected and treated as adults and in return they helped during lean times and knew they could rely on help when they needed it later on.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Adult child should be paying for their own phone, gas, portion of car payment (no pay? no go.) and insurance during normal times.  During a crisis adult child should most definitely help out with food costs and a portion of utilities.  I really can't see charging "rent" when he's sharing a room with his sibling.  I would encourage him/her to look for either full time employment or a second job, even possibly volunteer? Adult child should not be costing you anything if they're not in College. 

[SKL]

Yes, he should be contributing.  He should be paying for all of his own personal stuff (clothes, phone, gas, insurance) and also contributing to the household expenses to the extent he can reasonably afford it.  I'd do a calculation that leaves him with some spending money - otherwise why bother to have a job - but considers the value of his having a place to park his butt and food to eat.  I'd also compute what he'll pay once he has a full-time job, so he has something to look forward to.  :)

[Lisbeth]

We will pay everything until 18. I would not have a 12 yr pay for ANYTHING ... And I wouldn't want any of mine under 18 getting a job. Focus on academics is their more than full time job. We are also ok with a gap year before college IF it is being used for serious academic enrichment. We will also pay for two year missions for the boys. However, anyone starting to go down the lying around on video games route as my adult child will need to get a job and contribute. Not for food or rent, but all of their personal expenses. After a reasonable time, then rent would be expected ... it would go into a savings for that adult child for later, responsible use.

[Jenny in Florida]

 

My thoughts, and I am not terribly strong in them, is that adiult child should at minimum contribute to smart phone cost and car insurance cost and cover any additional or special toiletries or clothes. And get a full time job. ;)

 

Your thoughts? My perception is that in earlier times, helping the family would have been the default expectation.

 

I am also, as someone else said, a softie about a lot of things. However, I think your expectations are very reasonable.

 

For context, my daughter is 19. She did college early and has been  living at home since graduating three years ago. At the time, she felt some pressure to get going, get out, get on with it and struggled with some depression when she wasn't able to immediately leap into self-sufficient adulthood. However, we made it clear to her that we expected to support her through college and had no intention of punishing her for finishing school early.

 

So, she took a breath, relaxed and recalibrated. After a year or so of doing community theatre and applying for a ton of part-time jobs without getting so much as an interview, she decided to try some alternatives. Realizing that she needed to work on her dance skills to achieve triple threat status, and knowing that we could not afford to finance her lessons, she contacted every dance studio within 20 miles of our house and offered to work the front desk or do any comparable job in exchange for lessons. She had multiple offers, took one and spent the next year gaining computer, administrative and promotional skills, working with the kids AND taking multiple dance classes per week for free.

 

With her newly-honed dance skills, she landed a part-time, seasonal job in the entertainment department of a big local resort hotel. Over the last year, she has been promoted twice. Although she is still technically part-time, she often works 30 hours a week at the hotel.

 

In addition, she moved from the unpaid internship arrangement at the previous dance school last year to working the desk 10 or so hours per week and teaching an acting class for young kids at my son's dance school.

 

We have agreed that she will bank the majority of her earnings, with the goal of building herself a nest egg for her move to NYC this summer.  We do not charge her rent, and we have continued to pay her basic expenses for food, cell phone, etc. She does not have a driver's license, and we do not have a spare vehicle for her to use even if she did. So, we drive her to and from both jobs. However, as time has passed, she has just naturally moved into covering more of her own expenses. She now buys most of her own clothing and personal care supplies. She also pays for her own entertainment (movies or meals with friends, books and music). She bought a new laptop for herself when it was necessary to replace the one we had given her. She pays tuition for her own dance classes now that she no longer gets classes for free. Whenever possible, she walks or takes public transportation or gets rides with friends for anything other than going to work.

 

With this arrangement, she's managed to put away a very nice chunk of money. She is now applying for jobs and internships in NYC, hoping to relocate in June. Her savings should be enough to fully support her for six months or, as she hopes it will work out, supplement a part-time job or internship stipend enough to keep her there without major worries for a full year.

 

If I had a different teen, one who didn't seem to have a clear focus or a real plan, I would do things very differently.  In the case of a teen who was not in school and not working full-time and/or making meaningful progress towards something, I would certainly require more financial contribution to the household. I would not think I was doing a teen in that situation any favors by allowing him or her to get into the habit of floating along and relying on others to take up the slack.

[fraidycat]

Like a previous poster, I have no adult children so am not qualified in that respect to offer advice.

 

However, I was, and sometimes still am (for extended 1-2 month visits) an "adult child", living with my parents. I did/do not pay rent - rent was taking the family out to eat on payday. I did/do contribute to, shop for, and prepare meals. As well as "picking up" other items if at the store. I only got a cell phone at 19, because I paid for it myself, in my name. My parents helped me buy a car - gas and insurance were my responsibility. Clothes were my responsibility. Any and all "extras" (entertainment, contact lenses/solution) were my responsibility. I was also expected to contribute in a physical way a.k.a. Chores and yard work because I was a member of the household. Yard work being approximately 8-10 acres of actual yard (mowing, tree trimming, weeding) on the 80 acres.

 

My opinion in a time of $$ crisis is that an adult child should be learning how to be the adult part of the equation. As in, contributing in any way possible, helping to look for solutions (better job, or another job) etc. If he has a cell phone or any other luxuries, he should be paying 100% of those. I do understand that in this economy, full-time jobs are basically non-existent, even for those with education, so I wouldn't necessarily expect a full-time job, but I have worked up to 3 part-time jobs at one time - in non-crisis time, so it is do-able.

[DianeW88]

My college son still living at home pays for his auto insurance, his cell phone, and anything else he wants that doesn't include food.  We pay for his food, and we don't charge him rent.

 

My teens all buy their own clothes once they're around 14 or 15.  We'll buy them the basics, but I'm not going broke buying a trendy teen wardrobe (that was my dd...I did not finance trips to Hollister with her friends every weekend).

 

I still pay for health insurance, but if they go to the doctor's office, they pay the co-pay (once you hit college age or older) and prescription costs. 

 

They bought and paid for their own vehicles, and they maintain them as well.

 

I do not believe in coddling kids when they reach adulthood.  Working and earning their own way early in life is good for them.  And it prevents them from becoming a 26 year old waste of space living in your basement.