NOW she is officially kicked out of NHS

[Teachin'Mine]

I delivered them myself because they had to be purchased. I bought them myself at the store. And took them to the school. I did NOT go in and chew someone out for demanding that I spend all this money for membership in NHS. In total, I spent a few hundred dollars, but I did not take this up with the NHS people as I just wanted her to finish the year and be done with it. I already had to have a meeting because they did not want her there in the first place. We had to have a meeting last year and the year before because they were trying to keep her out. 

 

What learning experience should my daughter take from this? Some people are nasty terrible bigots and that is ok? Or some people are nasty terrible bigots and......what? What is the lesson? That the same people who we are supposed to trust and teach our children to respect, are this disrespectable? That bigotry is ok? I mean, I am not getting the "learning experience" in all this. If there is one, it is not a positive one. "Don't trust people, especially not public school staff" "don't trust people, especially not teachers?" Those do not seem like the lessons I wanted my children to have to learn.

 

I'm sorry you're so upset about all of this.  :grouphug:   It sounds like it's been a huge ordeal.   I'm shocked to hear that her membership involved a few hundred dollars as that seems ridiculous.   And I don't blame you for not being thrilled with the costs.  IMO they're missing the point of the students volunteering their time in a charitable way.  And I don't want it to seem like I'm beating a dead horse, but knowing what you knew, the candy should have been purchased ahead of time and delivered on time.  I'm guessing that it wasn't just a few minutes late, but late enough that it wasn't of use for the intended cause. 

 

Yes, part of the lesson I was referring to is about rules.   I think that your situation has served as an eye-opening reminder for all of us - our students especially - to learn about a club or organization's rules and know whether they are acceptable when joining.  But your situation obviously goes beyond that as you feel that your daughter has been singled out.  Is the bigotry you mention that she was homeschooled?   Even though they were trying to keep her out, the fact is that she was a member for a few years and only lost that membership once she failed to meet the requirements.   I'm sure it's hard to see it this way as emotions are very much in play, and I understand that, but if you could see it as more a matter that requirements weren't met, then you can help your daughter to move beyond this and hopefully begin to look forward to her graduation.

 

[Nan in Mass]

the lesson is that sometimes people do the wrong thing, and you have to learn not to let it get you down. The whole idea of not letting others determine our view of ourselves. 

 

Yes, I would say the lesson was not a lesson about the outside world, since by now I am sure she knows that some people, even teacher people, are good and some are not so good, but that it is more a matter of having the "opportunity" to practise not letting the bad people make you do bad things as well, the bad things here being becoming overly cynical and depressed and defeatist.  It is a very adult lesson.  This is where you can teacher her to vent to her loved ones (to keep it from festering and to receive comfort) and then let it go and switch focus and move on.  This is why parenting adult children is SO hard and why adult children need parenting.  I tend to pull out the "If you can..." poem by Kipling at this point.  Hugs.  One of mine just had the rug pulled out from under him, too, and we are doing some major comforting and trying to prevent stereotypical behaviour (sour grapes, cutting off your nose to spite your face, etc.).  Turning the other cheek out of love for one's fellow man would be best way to deal with it, obviously, or if she isn't quite there yet (most of us aren't sigh), then trying to put herself in the other people's shoes and see things from their point of view so she can forgive and forget.  If she isn't there yet either (and most teenagers aren't) then this is where we usually start talking about the best "revenge" in a situation like this being going to graduation and being gracious and nice and then not letting it affect the rest of her life in the least.  She gets to move on and leave those people behind in the not-so-nice world they have created for themselves.  It is SO difficult to grow up.

 

Nan

[Elisabet1]

I'm sorry you're so upset about all of this.  :grouphug:   It sounds like it's been a huge ordeal.   I'm shocked to hear that her membership involved a few hundred dollars as that seems ridiculous.   And I don't blame you for not being thrilled with the costs.  IMO they're missing the point of the students volunteering their time in a charitable way.  And I don't want it to seem like I'm beating a dead horse, but knowing what you knew, the candy should have been purchased ahead of time and delivered on time.  I'm guessing that it wasn't just a few minutes late, but late enough that it wasn't of use for the intended cause. 

 

Yes, part of the lesson I was referring to is about rules.   I think that your situation has served as an eye-opening reminder for all of us - our students especially - to learn about a club or organization's rules and know whether they are acceptable when joining.  But your situation obviously goes beyond that as you feel that your daughter has been singled out.  Is the bigotry you mention that she was homeschooled?   Even though they were trying to keep her out, the fact is that she was a member for a few years and only lost that membership once she failed to meet the requirements.   I'm sure it's hard to see it this way as emotions are very much in play, and I understand that, but if you could see it as more a matter that requirements weren't met, then you can help your daughter to move beyond this and hopefully begin to look forward to her graduation.

Literally, the teacher told them on Thursday to bring it in on Friday. And I was gone on Thursday and could not go to the store for her. This was back when my son was in that accident and I was gone on Thursdays. SO it was turned in on the same day. She was not told it had to be in before school. My daughter cannot drive to the store. At least at this point in time, she could not. She was having trouble in the drive way. She ran in to the house 4 times (only minimal damages). I was not about to have her drive the car over to some store to buy something. Plus, I do not typically leave money for her to go out and buy stuff. But all their meetings were on Thursdays. And it was very common for this teacher to say stuff had to be done by the next day. The Thursday is at the end of the month too. I can double check the date. But it is not that she was unable to do this so she should just accept that. Most high schoolers cannot just up and drive to a store to purchase candy and gift certificates for teachers. I never could have done that in high school. 

 

As far as the graduation goes...the gowns are different from the NHS students to the regular. My daughter earned that. She did fulfill all the requirements. This is a case of home school discrimination. I would call THSC, but I did call them back when this same teacher tried to keep her out in the first place. They don't deal with stuff within the schools, just stuff that affects our abilities to continue to home school. But she does not want to go to the graduation now that her vest diamond thingy has been taken away. It is not a small thing like a cord (which, she will still have several cords) or a pin. It is big.

[Lolly]

:grouphug: :grouphug: I am sorry this woman has gone out of her way to hurt your dd (or you whichever she was digging for). But, your dd will probably be better off if you can hold your emotions in check. I get that it is a big deal to you. But, honestly, in the grand scheme of life it isn't. It is an article of clothing to be worn for a very short while. It doesn't actually affect anything else. Maybe if you can shrug this off your dd will be able to see how insignificant it is. You are giving this woman far too much power over your life. Your dd doesn't want to attend her graduation? So what. The graduation ceremony isn't really all that big a deal either. To be quite honest with you, I would probably be offering my kids $ to skip it. Walking across the stage in an expensive rental gown wearing a silly hat. Maybe you can take a little vacation instead of doing the graduation thing, or go out for a really nice dinner to celebrate her excellent grades and character. That doesn't mean you can't complain to the national chapter. I do think they should know what a skink this woman is and how poorly this group is run. But then, try to let it go because it really isn't worth the emotional upheaval it seems to be causing.

[FaithManor]

Did you say gift certificates for teachers? Did I read that right? In our local schools, if a student presented a teacher with a gift certificate BEFORE final grades came out, it would be considered HIGHLY suspicious. Parents even have to be careful about the kinds of gifts they give at Christmas, and teachers have to be very careful what they accept or they get accused of Impropriety and especially if the student is in the running for top ranking in the school which man NHS scholars would be. This literally would look VERY bad! Very, very bad! Our school superintendent, for all his faults, would be ALL OVER this because there can be NO requirement that a student is required for participation in any activity on campus to purchase a gift card/certificate for any employee of the school, period. You just simply can't do this, nor can your require a parent to do this.

 

I don't think there is anything that can be done about the Halloween candy thing. It's unfortunate, possibly not fair, but just one of those things. But honestly, if the requirement was that the student MUST attempt to give blood for any reason at all, and the parent or student MUST spend personal, not fundraised, money to buy teacher gift cards, then this needs to be reported to your school superintendent - forget the principals at this point - the school board, the NHS national board, and anyone else whose ear you can get because it's downright unethical, and in the case of the blood thing, illegal.

 

I am sorry about their meetings being on Thursdays and that your son was in an accident. However, that is not their fault. Really, they can't just change things for everyone due to one family having a crisis or scheduling conflict. Communication should be better and not last minute. That is something that the administration should be addressing on behalf of students for next year. Possibly new teachers should be put in charge of the group since it sounds like the ones involved this year were rather abysmal in their organizational skills and with regards to appropriate volunteer activities.

 

If you can find a way to just let it go, in terms of personal unhappiness, this would be for the best because it will only ruin your health. Just contact the people in the above mentioned positions, and then try to breathe deep and move on...it will only cause high blood pressure, high cortisol levels, and low energy. You don't need that. Nothing these people did is worth that. Try not to let this have that kind of power over you.

[MomatHWTK]

I have found that when faced with unfairness or other wrongs of life, I have to choose.  I can either make it my battle to fight or walk away.  I used to choose to fight every battle.  I have learned though, that I do not have it in me to fight every battle.  Fighting causes damage to everyone involved, win or lose.  That doesn't mean that fighting for what is right is not worthwhile, but it does mean that I must choose whether or not a particular battle is worth the damage I will take. 

 

I am sorry it is now probably too late to avoid the damage, but the hard lesson I would take from the experience would be that we must be willing to pay the costs when we engage in battle. 

 

If I truly felt that my child had made the right decisions when dealing with an unfair situation, then I would advise my child to proudly stand unadorned during gradutaion, knowing that she chose the higher ground.  Being set apart for doing right would be of greater value to me than being set apart for earning worldy accolades. 

[bettyandbob]

This is curious to me in part because your dd was going to participate in a public school graduation even though she is a home schooler. Is she going to get a diploma from the the public school? 

 

National Honor Society is a nice designation to put on college applications. Did your dd already apply to college? If so, she already got all the value she could get out of NHS. And really colleges don't necessarily care about NHS--they care that you earned the grades that would get you in NHS.

 

NHS individual chapters have a lot of wonky requirements. I know someone who had to sue to get her volunteer hours accepted, because they weren't going to accept hours done at church. 

 

I think Jenny in Fl explained the lesson best about this group being the wrong fit your dd. I'm not seeing homeschool discrimination, but  perhaps that's because I really don't understand the nature of how homeschooler's are supposed to be included in your public school community. 

[katilac]

This is curious to me in part because your dd was going to participate in a public school graduation even though she is a home schooler. Is she going to get a diploma from the the public school? 

 

 

No, her daughter USED to home school; she has been in this school for a few years now. 

[Elisabet1]

No, her daughter USED to home school; she has been in this school for a few years now. 

Yes, my daughter used to home school. She came to this public high school in 10th grade. She did 9th grade at a charter school that was popular with home schoolers. This teacher, and a couple others, made huge issues of the fact that she once home schooled. The teachers who gave her a hard time were limited, most teachers at that school have been great. But, the NHS sponsor teacher made a huge issue of it and would not let her join in 10th grade. It was the end of the year. It was her 2nd year in public school and her GPA was high enough and she had plenty of volunteer hours. So, in 11th grade, I stayed on it. Every time this teacher made a stink about something, I was right there, keeping track, and intervening immediately when she had complaints and issues. Like, my daughter went to the meeting and she tried to claim my daughter was not there. BUT, I had my daughter take pictures with her cell phone while in there to prove she was there. On the volunteer work, I had copies of everything and in addition to turning it in in person, she emailed them so she had receipt they were sent.

 

But, in the last few months, getting closer to the end of the year and graduation, it seemed we had not had problems in months. I have been sickened by her demands that my daughter do all these things, from paying the teacher to keep her in, to giving the teacher candy to keep her in, and so on. But when she demanded the blood be given, I told my daughter to just keep moving along and wait and see if she tries to actually kick her out over it. I did not go to the AP at this point over the blood donating in hopes it would blow over. Instead, the teacher suddenly kicked her out. 

 

I did find on the website that someone posted above that there is supposed to be a due process. I am filing a complaint over that. And, meeting with the principal on Thursday. However, I do not expect the meeting with the principal will get us anywhere, as he backed the teacher up 2 years ago when we fought over her being omitted in the first place.

 

I hope this longer explanation clears some of it up. And I do suspect she is not so demanding of the other students, saying do this or that, with little notice or option to bend. Also, she is claiming my daughter has skipped a bunch of meetings now. I know for a fact my daughter has not been skipping any meetings. We have the meetings list taped to the wall, literally. I have kept track of it too. But, the principal stood up for the teacher last time, despite her bigoted anti-homeschool stance. So I think he will stand up for her again. So our only hope is probably going directly to NHS site to complain.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am so sorry you had to deal with all of this.  But, I have to ask ... With all that you describe, why was NHS so important to you that you would put up with all of this nonsense?  It is not like college admission or scholarship hinges on NHS - as if it were the only way to get a college adcom's attention.  I am trouble understanding why a special graduation garment is so important that you would want your daughter associated with these morons. 

[MomatHWTK]

I think at this point were I in the situation, I would work toward emotional damage control for my DD.  Engaging in this battle seems to have become pretty involved over the last several years and I'm wondering if your DD is going to feel it was worth it.  I hope she is able to recover from the distress of the whole situation and move forward confident in who she is.   

 

[TechWife]

NHS chapters can be a real PIA. I was kicked out of mine. Myself and another girl did early enrollment our senior year, so we attended college classes and lived on the campus, as it was a 45 minute drive from our hometown. Neither of us had a car. We were still highschool students as well, and attended graduation, etc. But were kicked out of NHS because we missed some afterschool meetings. When there was no way we could have attended them, and no allowances were made.

My son was kicked out of the homeschool honor society this year - he had a class last year on the same night that the meetings occurred, so he couldn't go to the meetings. He wasn't allowed to re-enroll this year. Stupid.

[FloridaLisa]

My son was kicked out of the homeschool honor society this year - he had a class last year on the same night that the meetings occurred, so he couldn't go to the meetings. He wasn't allowed to re-enroll this year. Stupid.

 

This is such a personal beef of mine.  They are *honor* societies meant to recognize superior academics.  They are NOT service clubs.  Man alive, seems like most kids have enough demands on their time between studies, jobs, sports, church youth groups, volunteer positions, testing, college apps and visits and -- imagine this -- family.   Not every single group needs to demand monthly meetings and service activities.  Just let it be about recognition of scholarship.  

 

Lisa

[Jenny in Florida]

This is such a personal beef of mine.  They are *honor* societies meant to recognize superior academics.  They are NOT service clubs.  Man alive, seems like most kids have enough demands on their time between studies, jobs, sports, church youth groups, volunteer positions, testing, college apps and visits and -- imagine this -- family.   Not every single group needs to demand monthly meetings and service activities.  Just let it be about recognition of scholarship.  

 

Lisa

 

Wouldn't that make it more of an award or an honor, but not a society? I mean, doesn't society imply some kind of community or association?

 

Okay, because I'm exactly this dorky, I looked up the definition of "society": an organization or club formed for a particular purpose or activity.

 

So, as I understand it, grades/GPA are the recognition of scholarship, along with things like the honor roll and dean's list. But an honor society is a group of people who qualify based on those things and who form an organization for the purpose of doing certain things.

[katilac]

This is such a personal beef of mine.  They are *honor* societies meant to recognize superior academics.  They are NOT service clubs.   

 

The NHS, specifically, is meant to be a service club, and is meant to recognize not only superior academics but "leadership, service, and character." 

 

I do think most chapters fall down on what is supposed to be one of their main goals, creating enthusiasm for scholarship. ime, they require scholarship to get in and stay in, but the activities are strictly service related. 

 

Edited to add that I do think kids need to pick their activities carefully. I would only rec NHS (most of them) if one needed a service-oriented activity and didn't have a specific interest that would be better served by another club. Your classes and GPA can serve as acknowledgement of scholarship. 

[Elisabet1]

I am so sorry you had to deal with all of this.  But, I have to ask ... With all that you describe, why was NHS so important to you that you would put up with all of this nonsense?  It is not like college admission or scholarship hinges on NHS - as if it were the only way to get a college adcom's attention.  I am trouble understanding why a special graduation garment is so important that you would want your daughter associated with these morons. 

We saw this person talked, who actually spoke at the home school group, and she said being in the honor society came with scholarships. We did the research and there was information about NHS scholarships. In hindsight, no way would this teacher ever have let someone who had been a home schooler be allowed to receive the scholarship. She did not want my daughter in because my daughter had been a home schooler, and she made sure she kicked my daughter out. She feels no pride from coming from that high school, and neither do I. 

 

We have dealt so much with this drama, there were a couple other teachers she has had that had a lot to say about home schoolers, open to my face and hers, that I will never ever consider public school again. It is not like they have this wonderous education. There were a few good teachers, but the math and science education was horrible. And my daughter used to be more or less STEM headed, but, they failed to teach math. I had to re-teach everything. And the science? Horrible! The AP Chem has been fine, the rest, beyond inferior. Our taxes are wasted on those. Hard to justify even having the science classrooms or math. But, I guess they need to pretend they are teaching those subjects.

 

Thing is, you all keep saying she should have checked the requirements and been aware of what she could take on. BUT, she did  fulfill all the requirements. The teacher is a liar and a bigot who just did not want a home schooler in HER club so she lied and had my daughter kicked out. She claims the only reason she was mandating my daughter donate blood was because my daughter never turned in hours, so it was to make up for lost hours. Fact is, my daughter did turn in hours. This teacher just did not want my daughter there. She claimed my daughter was skipping meetings too. She was not skipping meetings. 

 

Regardless of why she wanted to be there, she earned that spot, she fulfilled all the requirements, and she was only kicked out because she was once a home schooler, and that is not OK. And allowing this kind of prejudicial treatment just stomps on our rights as home schoolers all the more. When I first started home schooling her, after 2nd grade, the principal called me in (same district, but lived elsewhere within the district) and told me to come in to her office. While my daughter was supposedly sitting in the waiting area, she had the secretary or someone take my daughter down to the classroom she had been assigned. During this meeting, the principal told me how I cannot home school and if I try, even if I just do it for a day, district policy was that she could be returned to kindergarten upon returning. I pointed out that she completed 2nd grade and had been officially promoted, and the principal told me this does not matter, she can send my daughter to whatever grade. And it was her opinion that if she misses a day, or a week, or a month, of school, she will be so far behind her peers, that she will have to go back a full grade level and she will do third grade the next year, when she can start from day one.  I came out of the office shook up. I posted about it someplace..which could have been here or someone other forum, someplace, from years ago. I am in Texas, so legally, I did not need her permission. But she was so threatening and I was so insecure, which many first time home schoolers are insecure. I did not push retrieving my daughter from the classroom. She ended up staying for a couple weeks. Then, after speaking with THSC and whomever else, and getting a lot of encouragement from other home schoolers, I sent a certified letter and refused to go back up to the campus. 

 

Years later, strides were made in the district to stop the putting back of kids, prior to high school level. So, through grade school and middle school, they are supposed to put the kids straight in to age grade. Clearly, the attitudes toward home schoolers has not changed completely. Also, back then, the district was preventing home schoolers from taking the college board tests on public school property.  I was trying to find the links to information on this because it was in our newsletters from the home school group, but I cannot seem to find them.

 

So long and rambling post. But the point is, my daughter was kicked out because she once home schooled. She was punished for having been a home schooler. And that is not ok. Regardless of why she wanted to be in NHS or anything else, she did her part, she fulfilled all requirements, she was kicked out for having been a homeschooler. That is it. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I get it that she was discriminated against because she was a homeschooler and because they have ridiculous rules.  But, this particular club/honor just doesn't seem worth the energy and fight.  While it is a normal reaction to get carried away with self-rightousness, what does that get you?  How does this help anything?  Plenty of people have gotten into college and have received significant scholarship money without National Honor Society.  I just don't see the point in putting all that energy into a negative experience when you could be using it toward creating positive experiences outside of such a discriminatory environment.  I have gotten two children into college without jumping through those kinds of hoops.  They both have received top merit money at the schools where they applied. 

[Jenny in Florida]

Again, I am truly sorry your daughter had such a bad experience with the society. I still don't really understand why your daughter was so determined to stick with an organization that clearly wasn't a good fit for her in terms of the required commitment, the organization (types of volunteer projects chosen, etc.) or the leadership. But it does sound like the leader/advisor did not treat your daughter fairly, and, in your place, I would definitely make sure I could document my claims and then file a complaint with whoever the appropriate agency might be.

 

I hope this mess hasn't stood in the way of your daughter getting the scholarships she needs. Like Ellen's kids, my own children have both gotten into college and been awarded very nice scholarships without having an honor society on their transcripts. I'm guessing, if your daughter can put the emotional upset behind her, she will very likely find this has little or no impact on her college prospects or her life.

[FaithManor]

Again, I am truly sorry your daughter had such a bad experience with the society. I still don't really understand why your daughter was so determined to stick with an organization that clearly wasn't a good fit for her in terms of the required commitment, the organization (types of volunteer projects chosen, etc.) or the leadership. But it does sound like the leader/advisor did not treat your daughter fairly, and, in your place, I would definitely make sure I could document my claims and then file a complaint with whoever the appropriate agency might be.

 

I hope this mess hasn't stood in the way of your daughter getting the scholarships she needs. Like Ellen's kids, my own children have both gotten into college and been awarded very nice scholarships without having an honor society on their transcripts. I'm guessing, if your daughter can put the emotional upset behind her, she will very likely find this has little or no impact on her college prospects or her life.

This is very true. Due to scheduling, there are a lot of kids who have the statistics to get into NHS, but do not choose to participate. It's pretty hard on a lot of students...debate team, chess team, math Olympiad, sports, music lessons, afterschool jobs, you name it. Kids can't do everything, and many of the best and brightest aren't involved with NHS. Those kids in that top 20% are still getting merit aid. NHS is just one of a myriad of other extracurricular activities that show a student has a drive to succeed. Please don't sweat this. It really is not worth the stress...not one more ounce of stress.

 

Now is the time to get excited about other things and move forward.

[Catwoman]

Just bumping this thread to see if Elizabet1 has any updates on this situation.

[vonfirmath]

This is such a personal beef of mine.  They are *honor* societies meant to recognize superior academics.  They are NOT service clubs.  Man alive, seems like most kids have enough demands on their time between studies, jobs, sports, church youth groups, volunteer positions, testing, college apps and visits and -- imagine this -- family.   Not every single group needs to demand monthly meetings and service activities.  Just let it be about recognition of scholarship.  

 

Lisa

 

Recognition of scholarship -- that's all it was when I was in HS. I barely even cared when I was inducted and certainly had no other responsibilities/requirements afterward!

[Elisabet1]

There are no updates. She is out. And she is not going to attend the graduation. The sponsors who were in charge (the main one anyway) was against home schoolers and did not want her there in the first place, so she got her way. This is just another strike against homeschooling, a hate action against someone for having been home schooled. It is not ok. But nothing we can do about it. Moving on, and won't even bother with the public schools ever again. Academically, they were inferior. Socially, inferior. There was nothing good about them.

[SunnyDays]

Recognition of scholarship -- that's all it was when I was in HS. I barely even cared when I was inducted and certainly had no other responsibilities/requirements afterward!

This was my experience as well. Between junior and senior year, I think I attended the induction ceremony, posed for group yearbook pics each year, and attended a very brief meeting before graduation to explain how we'd be recognized at the ceremony. That's it. I am surprised to hear that it is such a huge commitment for some.

[ktgrok]

There are no updates. She is out. And she is not going to attend the graduation. The sponsors who were in charge (the main one anyway) was against home schoolers and did not want her there in the first place, so she got her way. This is just another strike against homeschooling, a hate action against someone for having been home schooled. It is not ok. But nothing we can do about it. Moving on, and won't even bother with the public schools ever again. Academically, they were inferior. Socially, inferior. There was nothing good about them.

 

Wow, like i said, I was kicked out for missing a meeting, when I was in a college class 40 minutes away during the meetings. It was dumb. I knew it was dumb. But I still went to graduation! Plenty of kids are not in national honor society, and not getting to show off in a gold rope or whatever seems a petty reason to avoid graduation entirely. If they are really against homeschoolers that much why give them the satisfaction? Was she she only going to graduation to wear that silly rope? Not to celebrate the end of an era, and her hard work and accomplishments? I'm sorry, but that speaks more to her social skills than it does to theirs. 

 

Now, if she never really wanted to go anyway, that would be different. I considered not going, but only because I'd been living 40 minutes away all year, in a dorm, and considered myself already a college student. I had a different circle of friends by this point. But in the end I knew I might regret not going one day, and knew my parents wanted graduation pictures, etc. So I went for my parents, and maybe my future self. 

 

Not going out of anger about not being in the National Honor Society seems bitter, and not very adult, in my opinion. 

[In The Great White North]

 

 

Recognition of scholarship -- that's all it was when I was in HS. I barely even cared when I was inducted and certainly had no other responsibilities/requirements afterward!

Same here.  No meetings, no service hours, no commitments, no money.  Just a little pin you could wear on your gown at graduation.

[*LC]

There are no updates. She is out. And she is not going to attend the graduation.

 

I am sorry to hear about your daughter's experience. I completely understand your/her frustration.

 

It doesn't sound like the graduation ceremony itself was important to your family, so I would suggest following your daughter's lead in whatever she chooses to do about it. If she ends up not attending, could you do something special to mark the occasion. Maybe, whatever you did for your older child?

[Elisabet1]

I am sorry to hear about your daughter's experience. I completely understand your/her frustration.

 

It doesn't sound like the graduation ceremony itself was important to your family, so I would suggest following your daughter's lead in whatever she chooses to do about it. If she ends up not attending, could you do something special to mark the occasion. Maybe, whatever you did for your older child?

If the gowns were not so different between the NHS kids vs the non-NHS kids, she would have gone. But it is humiliating to have the different gown. She does not want to go, and she won't go. I won't make her.  Besides, we have moved on. This is a dead issue. No need to discuss it anymore.

[dirty ethel rackham]

If the gowns were not so different between the NHS kids vs the non-NHS kids, she would have gone. But it is humiliating to have the different gown. She does not want to go, and she won't go. I won't make her.  Besides, we have moved on. This is a dead issue. No need to discuss it anymore.

 

While I think it is great to be supportive of her decision and to follow her lead on this, I find it troubling that she would find not wearing the NHS robe "humiliating."  What is humiliating about choosing to live an authentic life rather than follow someone else's ridiculous arbitrary rules.  I would encourage her to take this disappointment as an opportunity for growth rather than let the disappointment and anger fester. 

 

[ktgrok]

If the gowns were not so different between the NHS kids vs the non-NHS kids, she would have gone. But it is humiliating to have the different gown. She does not want to go, and she won't go. I won't make her.  Besides, we have moved on. This is a dead issue. No need to discuss it anymore.

 

Wow...so it's humiliating to not be in National Honor Society? Considering I imagine the majority of students are not in National Honor Society perhaps you and she need to rethink some things. That sounds incredibly elitist. 

[Okra]

I'm not sure I would want to call any teenager "elitist"

 

I think the word that might have been better used would have been disappointed.  When looking around at the others it just reminds her of wanting to be in it.

 

It's fine not to go if she does not want to go.

[ktgrok]

I'm not sure I would want to call any teenager "elitist"

 

I think the word that might have been better used would have been disappointed.  When looking around at the others it just reminds her of wanting to be in it.

 

It's fine not to go if she does not want to go.

 

You are right. And if she had said it would be upsetting/disappointing/etc I would have understood and not used that owrd. But humiliated seems a strong word to use as well, for not being in an honor society that most kids are not in anyway. Perhaps a chance to ponder. 

[bettyandbob]

I think placing so much value on being able show off placement in anything a bit unbalanced.

[ktgrok]

You are right. I was harsh. I apologize. I had posted earlier that I was kicked out of NHS for similar issues, and I guess I had a gut reaction to her saying that showing up for Graduation would be humiliating. I certainly wasn't humiliated, and found it a bit offensive that being "like me" would be humiliating. My issue, not hers. 

[Elisabet1]

You are right. I was harsh. I apologize. I had posted earlier that I was kicked out of NHS for similar issues, and I guess I had a gut reaction to her saying that showing up for Graduation would be humiliating. I certainly wasn't humiliated, and found it a bit offensive that being "like me" would be humiliating. My issue, not hers. 

But you probably still wore the same gowns regardless, right? It was just a little pin that was different, correct? But for her high school, the gowns are different. They all wear the same gown, but the NHS students, and only them, also have something that goes over the gown that is a diamond color. They call it "the NHS diamond." It covers the shoulders and down the front. So it is not like a pin that cannot be seen from the other side of the coliseum. This is where they make the entire graduation gown look different, so you really stand out.

 

And symbolically...when she was kicked out for having been a home schooler, who, as they put it "hasn't paid her dues" then symbolically...it is dumb to be there. Some are saying that she needs to be there, because of the ceremony, the symbolism, of the public school ceremony. She was kicked out for having been home schooled, which really drove home the idea that she simply never really belonged there. Since ceremonies are all about symbolism, how does the symbolism of walking across the public school's stage, fit with how things turned out? Most of what she learned, most of her education, happened at home. The public school added very little to her education. Since the school made it clear she never belonged there, she has completely reconnected with her old home school friends and her entire social life, 100%, is with her home school friends. She does not need, nor does she want, the symbolism of walking across the stage, and shaking hands with the bigoted principal, and taking her diploma from him, posing for a picture, and moving on.

[ktgrok]

But you probably still wore the same gowns regardless, right? It was just a little pin that was different, correct? But for her high school, the gowns are different. They all wear the same gown, but the NHS students, and only them, also have something that goes over the gown that is a diamond color. They call it "the NHS diamond." It covers the shoulders and down the front. So it is not like a pin that cannot be seen from the other side of the coliseum. This is where they make the entire graduation gown look different, so you really stand out.

 

And symbolically...when she was kicked out for having been a home schooler, who, as they put it "hasn't paid her dues" then symbolically...it is dumb to be there. Some are saying that she needs to be there, because of the ceremony, the symbolism, of the public school ceremony. She was kicked out for having been home schooled, which really drove home the idea that she simply never really belonged there. Since ceremonies are all about symbolism, how does the symbolism of walking across the public school's stage, fit with how things turned out? Most of what she learned, most of her education, happened at home. The public school added very little to her education. Since the school made it clear she never belonged there, she has completely reconnected with her old home school friends and her entire social life, 100%, is with her home school friends. She does not need, nor does she want, the symbolism of walking across the stage, and shaking hands with the bigoted principal, and taking her diploma from him, posing for a picture, and moving on.

 

Actually, we had exactly what you are talking about, a diamond cape thing that they wore over the gown. Then the top 5% of the class also had gold ropes they wore. But given that  a minority of the school had the NHS cape thing, I still don't see it as humiliating to wear one. I guess us non NHS people didn't realize we had it that bad. We still graduated. We still achieved something. NHS wasn't the end all be all reason for attending. 

 

that said, I get not wanting to go because she doesn't identify with that group. That's fine. It was the use of the word humilating that really hit me.....not being in an honor society isn't humiliating. It just isn't. If one thinks it is, perhaps a reevaluation of priorities is needed.