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NOW she is officially kicked out of NHS


Elisabet1
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I'm sorry she's upset. This last year is tough, trying to juggle all of the requirements and commitments, especially for kids who are involved in multiple activities and trying to carry a rigorous academic load. My son and I were just talking this morning about how this year pretty much feels like triage all the time: Only the things that are critical right now happen on any given day. But he mostly manages.

 

We did find he needed to prune some of his commitments in order to have enough time and energy to do any of the remaining things well. So, he resigned from volunteering at the science museum, which he has done for the last two years, at the end of the first semester. And he hasn't even auditioned for any theatre this school year, because the rehearsal schedule would conflict with dance. He has also taken a sort of emotional step back from choir, meaning he attends rehearsals regularly and gives it his all when he is there, but knows that choir is a lower priority and will be the thing to give when conflicts arise.

 

Making those choices has made it possible for him to keep his dual enrollment grades up and to (mostly) keep up with his online high school courses, to get through the college/ scholarship application/audition process and to devote everything he has left over to dance.

 

We had a couple of very unpleasant years when it became impossible for him to meet all of the expectations of various groups, and we found ourselves apologizing and begging for accommodations and exceptions all. the. time. It was awful and stressful, and I vowed not to go down that road again.

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I'm just concerned about the "must give blood" requirement. First of all, there are many that have medical reasons not to (I was always underweight in high school and college and now, am perniciously anemic and am not allowed to), and second, that's a rather personal decision that I'm not sure should be dictated to anyone!

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I'm just concerned about the "must give blood" requirement. First of all, there are many that have medical reasons not to (I was always underweight in high school and college and now, am perniciously anemic and am not allowed to), and second, that's a rather personal decision that I'm not sure should be dictated to anyone!

 

And I absolutely agree about that!

 

I just know, from reading Elisabet1's other posts, that her daughter is trying to juggle a LOT of different groups and commitments. I assumed (and I apologize, Elisabet, if I'm wrong) that missing this one thing is not the only reason her daughter has been asked to leave the organization but that this was one too many things she missed?

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Agreed - something is very wrong here. There are a whole host of acceptable reasons not to give blood, including I DON'T WANT TO. Nobody can FORCE you to donate blood {well unless you are in the military, but last I checked high school wasn't the military}. She could have been taking medication that didn't allow for donation, and they have no way or right to know that on account of HIPPA.

 

Honestly - this is clearly important to her since now she wants to skip gradution. I'd call the school & ask to talk to the faculty advisor for NHS & see what the deal is. If the faculty advisor won't talk to you - the principal. If that doesn't work - the superintendent. Either there is something bigger going on, or this NHS chapter is being cliquish & looked for an excuse to boot her out. If that's the case - she should be reinstated & allowed to graduate will full NHS honors. I would accept nothing less & want an apology.

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I'm just concerned about the "must give blood" requirement. First of all, there are many that have medical reasons not to (I was always underweight in high school and college and now, am perniciously anemic and am not allowed to), and second, that's a rather personal decision that I'm not sure should be dictated to anyone!

This was a concern I raised in the OP's previous thread.

 

It is an invasion of privacy to require students to state medical exemptions; further, some religious groups do not allow members to give blood. Again, blatant discrimination.  I do not see how the national organization tolerates this.  Something is fishy here.

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I have a medical condition that I don't feel comfortable sharing with others that does not allow me to donate blood. That requirement is ludicrous!

 

And that is why we have privacy laws--so you don't have to share your conditions with the world.

 

I am so baffled that anyone would demand this in the age of HIPPA.

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And I absolutely agree about that!

 

I just know, from reading Elisabet1's other posts, that her daughter is trying to juggle a LOT of different groups and commitments. I assumed (and I apologize, Elisabet, if I'm wrong) that missing this one thing is not the only reason her daughter has been asked to leave the organization but that this was one too many things she missed?

It is not the too many things in this case. It is the blood donation, which she would not have done regardless. That was out of the question. They told us she was being kicked out a while ago over this.

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Is this also the organization that wouldn't count her many hours of volunteer service because they had expected her to change it this year and do a different volunteer opportunity, but had not told the OP's daughter prior to signing up for the volunteer work that she had to do something else even though what she was doing was a worthy cause and would have been counted the previous year?

 

It seems like we talked about that and it appeared that this local group is a very bad bunch, very controlling. And yes, Jane is absolutely correct, the blood requirement is a violation of rights, it requires violation of HIPPA, it can discriminate against religions, those that have recently internationally traveled, etc. (When I needed blood after our middle boy was born, my dad was ineligible to donate which he wanted to do as a way to give back to the Red Cross since I was being transfused with several units. But, he'd recently been to Togo, West Africa, and had been on malaria meds to prevent infection...both of these things prevented him from being a blood donor. There are many places in the world that a teen could travel to that would prevent someone from being eligible to donate for a period of time. Dh has had malaria and Lyme's so he's out forever.

 

This just really upsets me because it is NOT this organization's business to dictate blood donation, discriminate, and force medical disclosures. I really hope there is a HUGE, formal, loud, long complaint made to the national leadership.

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It seems like we talked about that and it appeared that this local group is a very bad bunch, very controlling. And yes, Jane is absolutely correct, the blood requirement is a violation of rights, it requires violation of HIPPA, it can discriminate against religions, those that have recently internationally traveled, etc. (When I needed blood after our middle boy was born, my dad was ineligible to donate which he wanted to do as a way to give back to the Red Cross since I was being transfused with several units. But, he'd recently been to Togo, West Africa, and had been on malaria meds to prevent infection...both of these things prevented him from being a blood donor. There are many places in the world that a teen could travel to that would prevent someone from being eligible to donate for a period of time. Dh has had malaria and Lyme's so he's out forever.

 

This just really upsets me because it is NOT this organization's business to dictate blood donation, discriminate, and force medical disclosures. I really hope there is a HUGE, formal, loud, long complaint made to the national leadership.

 

It is why I find it unbelievable as explained.   Volunteering during the drive, providing snacks, etc, maybe.   The rest, no.   It makes me wonder if participating in the blood drive is being interpreted as requiring donating blood vs. helping with the organization, manning snack tables, etc.

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The regular NHS, not the subject ones. She did not give blood, so she is out. dumb! She is skipping her graduation now. The NHS students where different gown stuff and they took that from her. It is a vest thing..they call it a "diamond."

What?  Your daughter declined to give blood at a blood drive and so she was kicked out of NHS?  Am I misunderstanding something?

 

 Oh, no.  I would go to war on that. 

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It is why I find it unbelievable as explained.   Volunteering during the drive, providing snacks, etc, maybe.   The rest, no.   It makes me wonder if participating in the blood drive is being interpreted as requiring donating blood vs. helping with the organization, manning snack tables, etc.

 

Yes, I suspect that there has been some kind of misunderstanding somewhere along the line.

 

If it were me, I'd be on the phone with or visiting the school administration and asking for clarification.

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NHS chapters can be a real PIA. I was kicked out of mine. Myself and another girl did early enrollment our senior year, so we attended college classes and lived on the campus, as it was a 45 minute drive from our hometown. Neither of us had a car. We were still highschool students as well, and attended graduation, etc. But were kicked out of NHS because we missed some afterschool meetings. When there was no way we could have attended them, and no allowances were made.

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NHS chapters can be a real PIA. I was kicked out of mine. Myself and another girl did early enrollment our senior year, so we attended college classes and lived on the campus, as it was a 45 minute drive from our hometown. Neither of us had a car. We were still highschool students as well, and attended graduation, etc. But were kicked out of NHS because we missed some afterschool meetings. When there was no way we could have attended them, and no allowances were made.

 

I have such mixed feelings about this kind of thing. On the one hand, I completely understand how frustrating it is not to be able to participate in an activity because of limitations on things like transportation. On the other hand, organizations cannot be expected to run smoothly without consistent participation from members. And I do appreciate it when organizations actually follow their own rules.

 

So, unfortunately, not every student is going to be able to participate in every activity that sounds good. As I always tell my kids, a choice to do one thing is usually a choice not to do a whole lot of other things. It's all about setting priorities and making the choice you can live with most comfortably.

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Is this also the organization that wouldn't count her many hours of volunteer service because they had expected her to change it this year and do a different volunteer opportunity, but had not told the OP's daughter prior to signing up for the volunteer work that she had to do something else even though what she was doing was a worthy cause and would have been counted the previous year?

 

It seems like we talked about that and it appeared that this local group is a very bad bunch, very controlling. And yes, Jane is absolutely correct, the blood requirement is a violation of rights, it requires violation of HIPPA, it can discriminate against religions, those that have recently internationally traveled, etc. (When I needed blood after our middle boy was born, my dad was ineligible to donate which he wanted to do as a way to give back to the Red Cross since I was being transfused with several units. But, he'd recently been to Togo, West Africa, and had been on malaria meds to prevent infection...both of these things prevented him from being a blood donor. There are many places in the world that a teen could travel to that would prevent someone from being eligible to donate for a period of time. Dh has had malaria and Lyme's so he's out forever.

 

This just really upsets me because it is NOT this organization's business to dictate blood donation, discriminate, and force medical disclosures. I really hope there is a HUGE, formal, loud, long complaint made to the national leadership.

That was the other person's child who had to change the volunteer activity. My child is the one who the sponsors did not want her there in the first place because she had been a homeschooler. Then, they have required every month some sort of additional thing, that I think is inappropriate, like bags of candy at Halloween, and food at Thanksgiving, gift cards at Christmas, and so on. School supplies the first month. Then for Feb, it was a blood drive. Anyone 17 and up was required to do this. They have the option of skipping 2 things a year, but she already used up the 2 when she missed a meeting. Apparently, they say because the candy was turned in late a Halloween, that was counted as if she never did it. So that makes #2. That made the blood drive mandatory. There are only 2 months to graduation and we have paid so much this year. They did not send the candy back when they did not credit her for it. And we do not do Halloween and still gave the candy. It was turned in the same day as I took it in myself. 

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Who chooses these various service projects? Are they voted on by the society membership? Are there any alternative ways to participate in these projects besides making donations of goods or money (or bodily fluids)?

 

For example, was it actually required to give blood? Or were members required to participate in the blood drive, which might mean anything from making promotional posters to handing out cookies and juice to donors? Was the only option for the Halloween-themed event to buy candy? Or could members participate by making up or handing out goodie bags?

 

Assuming that the membership has some say in choosing the projects and that donating financially is not the only way to participate, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect members to be present and involved at the majority of the events.

 

I do understand your daughter's disappointment, and I'm sure she did the best she could given her busy schedule and the number of things in which she is involved. But, in the end, I do think it's fair that only those who met the requirements get the recognition/reward for participating. As I said, I think senior year can be a really tough time for kids who have a lot of balls in the air.

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Requiring anyone to give blood as a condition of membership is illegal, period. Giving blood is a medical procedure. They can not legally demand any student submit to a medical procedure. And since they created this requirement which means the student must produce proof of the medical procedure, this is a violation of HIPPA and there are serious consequences for this.

 

OP you need to contact the State Attorney General, your state representatives, and federal senators. If community legal aid or a lawyer will take this pro bono, this is worth checking out. It should make every parent here LIVID! Their is no club in the world that should be allowed to coerce medical procedures out of students as a condition of membership. What's next? Must sign up as a n organ donor and produce your driver's license to prove it? Bone marrow registry?  

 

If they want to be involved in something medical, they can require the members to become CPR certified. That  is a very useful, vital skill and does not impose a medical procedure upon the students, nor violation of HIPPA laws. 

 

This goes way beyond the issue of whether or not the NHS group was fair or unfair. Way beyond. This is an illegal activity and a violation of student and parental rights. It should be jumped on immediately.

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I have no idea about the OP's NHS, but for ours (Student Council runs ours - not NHS), they just have to "work" the blood drive - not donate.  Some opt to donate, but it's 100% optional for all the obvious reasons already mentioned.  There is no pressure to donate, aside perhaps, from other students asking each other to sign up.  I've overheard kids tell each other no without issues.  Some say they can't.  Others say they don't want to.  A few say "they wouldn't want my blood."  Adults don't ask.  The kids run the drive.

 

If the OP's NHS is different, it should be changed.

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I had to work the drive for NHS but giving blood was not a requirement.  I think someone must have misunderstood something somewhere.  If your daughter is sick over it, then I might try to track down the problem, but if there are just going to be other problems that are going to keep her from remaining in the society, then I probably would let it go and work on comforting as best I could and try to encourage her not to linger over such problems.  Unfortunately, it isn't going to be the first time she runs into it.  Leaders of groups are misinterpret things all the time.  Hugs to you both.  It is hard to watch your children be battered by life.

 

Nan

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That was the other person's child who had to change the volunteer activity. My child is the one who the sponsors did not want her there in the first place because she had been a homeschooler. Then, they have required every month some sort of additional thing, that I think is inappropriate, like bags of candy at Halloween, and food at Thanksgiving, gift cards at Christmas, and so on. School supplies the first month. Then for Feb, it was a blood drive. Anyone 17 and up was required to do this. They have the option of skipping 2 things a year, but she already used up the 2 when she missed a meeting. Apparently, they say because the candy was turned in late a Halloween, that was counted as if she never did it. So that makes #2. That made the blood drive mandatory. There are only 2 months to graduation and we have paid so much this year. They did not send the candy back when they did not credit her for it. And we do not do Halloween and still gave the candy. It was turned in the same day as I took it in myself. 

 

Okay, so she didn't actually have to give blood. She had to chose not giving blood as one of her two "drops". Only there was a mess up with the Halloween candy donation. 

 

The real problem I am seeing here is the types of "volunteer" activities they are doing. They are not actually activities. These are more along the lines of making donations. That does get a bit pricey! Are the kids coming up with these "activities"? Of course, it might be that instead of donating themselves, they could be asking others to make donations? Eh, I never liked Honor Society. I do think it would be good if you were to speak to an adult in charge of this group and point out that making donations is a financial drain on many families. Perhaps you could suggest some alternative, true service projects for them to do instead. I would say working the blood drive, but the way ours are run here would not allow students to participate. (It is in a mobile bus fully staffed by professionals.)

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I am confused about the blood drive. Here, the Red Cross does not allow volunteers under the age of 18 and they provide their own juice and snacks for participants so the only thing that students could do is show up to give blood with parental permission. Is it different in other areas?

 

 

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I am confused about the blood drive. Here, the Red Cross does not allow volunteers under the age of 18 and they provide their own juice and snacks for participants so the only thing that students could do is show up to give blood with parental permission. Is it different in other areas?

 

Ours are through Medic, and they have the same policies. Back when...students could have handed out the provided snacks, but the way it is run now that isn't even possible.

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Ours are through Medic, and they have the same policies. Back when...students could have handed out the provided snacks, but the way it is run now that isn't even possible.

Yes, whoever runs our local ones, no one under 18 can participate as organizers or anything. Maybe they could make posters to advertise, but really, it's pretty strict and definitely an adult gig so that's why my mind went immediately to the OP's post indicating that her daughter was expected to get parental permission to donate.

 

While a worthy cause, it seems to be an odd activity to rope students into when there are so many worthy things they could get involved with on more than a make a poster or donate water bottles kind of way.

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Maybe I'm misreading, but I think Elizabet1 is saying her daughter didn't participate in the blood drive, where participate means work at, not give blood.  Am I mistaken?

 

 

Well, several of us have speculated that there is a misunderstanding somewhere about what was required.

 

Elisabet1 has said that her daughter would have been required to give blood, but I and others are wondering if the actual requirement was to "participate," which could mean a variety of other things.

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NHS chapters can be a real PIA. I was kicked out of mine. Myself and another girl did early enrollment our senior year, so we attended college classes and lived on the campus, as it was a 45 minute drive from our hometown. Neither of us had a car. We were still highschool students as well, and attended graduation, etc. But were kicked out of NHS because we missed some afterschool meetings. When there was no way we could have attended them, and no allowances were made.

I remember now why I dropped out of NHS my senior year. Volunteer work for your church did not count for your service hours.

 

That was the only volunteer work that I did and could make time for that year.

 

I dropped out before they could kick me out. The faculty sponsor was very rules oriented.

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We use a local group, not the Red Cross.  Kids do advertising (posters), sign up donors, get donations for the snacks/drinks, and get the space ready/keep it clean, etc.  Workers from the local group do all things "professional." 

 

Ours now are not even using spaces; they arrive and take donations in a big bus or two. Only thing that would be allowed for kids to do would be make posters, but those are actually provided also.

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This is mostly irrelevant to the issue at hand, but I want to point out that the NHS's requiring a member to give blood does NOT violate HIPAA.  HIPAA applies only to "covered entities," e.g., healthcare providers, health plans, etc.  The NHS is not a covered entity.  Neither is your employer, for that  matter.  The Red Cross in this context might or might not be a healthcare provider (probably isn't), but the Red Cross isn't kicking her out of anything.

 

Carry on.

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Maybe I'm misreading, but I think Elizabet1 is saying her daughter didn't participate in the blood drive, where participate means work at, not give blood.  Am I mistaken?

 

No, she can't just help. As I said in one of my other posts, she is allowed to miss 2 things over the course of the year. The blood drive was for those 17 and over. I had her show me the paper work. She had already missed 2 things, so she could not miss this. I am not sure if the teacher allowed for an alternative activity for those under 17.

 

But also, remember that I said these teachers also took issue with the fact that she used to home school and made her wait an extra year to be inducted. So, she went to a charter school in 9th grade and then this regular public school 10th and on. At end of 10th, they would not inducted her. They gave a number of lying excuses (such as she did not turn in her paperwork, which was a lie because I was with her when she took it in) but they had also said she should not be allowed to be in it because she had home schooled and she should have to prove herself more. We had a meeting with them and the principal and my husband and it proved fruitless because the principal automatically sided with them. The next year, when she got inducted, they said they would not allow her in because her vounteer work was not good enough. She had done tons of volunteer work and they made up some bogus excuse about why each one is not acceptable. Finally, I spoke to the assistant principal about it and she spoke to the teachers and they let her in. But they still brow beat her every step of the way and act like this. I suspect (but do not know for sure) that the other 17+ yr olds are not being kicked out over not giving blood.

 

I contacted the AP again. My husband is going to speak to them. We are 2 months out from graduation so this is it. There is only 1 month left of service hours and she is kicked out. May is induction month so they don't do other service hours.

 

Oh..and they did accept service hours from church work. We did not do that, but I saw that others did.

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So to clarify, they expected her to give blood? Is that correct? It wasn't just bring water bottles, snacks, or make a poster, but she was to at least get the finger stick to see if she was a candidate to give blood and then if she was, she had to donate? I just want to seek clarification.

 

If this is true, it's actually illegal because they would be requiring verification that she gave blood and that's a HIPPA law violation right there. They can't require her to have a medical procedure nor verify that she has or has not had it done. The only exception would be an international trip in which the destination country had specific vaccination requirements, and she would have to provide a vaccination card with passport and visa. Again, though, blood donating, legally and religiously, is intensely personal and if the above is the case, they could be in serious trouble.

 

Therefore, I'm just trying to confirm that their words were that she had to donate or attempt to donate, not that she had some advertising or recruiting type position to fulfill.

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So to clarify, they expected her to give blood? Is that correct? It wasn't just bring water bottles, snacks, or make a poster, but she was to at least get the finger stick to see if she was a candidate to give blood and then if she was, she had to donate? I just want to seek clarification.

 

If this is true, it's actually illegal because they would be requiring verification that she gave blood and that's a HIPPA law violation right there. They can't require her to have a medical procedure nor verify that she has or has not had it done. The only exception would be an international trip in which the destination country had specific vaccination requirements, and she would have to provide a vaccination card with passport and visa. Again, though, blood donating, legally and religiously, is intensely personal and if the above is the case, they could be in serious trouble.

 

Therefore, I'm just trying to confirm that their words were that she had to donate or attempt to donate, not that she had some advertising or recruiting type position to fulfill.

Or if the students were given a list of opportunities ahead of time in order to make decisions. The scenario makes no sense bc what would have happened if a student had decided that donating blood was one they would do and skipped 2 others deliberately and then they had a fever the day before the bood drive? They wouldn't let the student donate blood. You can't "plan" not to have an illness. So, what happens to the ineligible to donate kids that wanted to donate?

 

I do not believe we have the whole picture.

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I thought the Red Cross had it set up so that you could go in to give blood with a group and then privately not give blood and it wouldn't show to those who went in with you?  That has been true of the ones my husband was invovled in, anyway.  That way, if you have a medical condition that keeps you from giving blood, you can keep it private.

 

Nan

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So to clarify, they expected her to give blood? Is that correct? It wasn't just bring water bottles, snacks, or make a poster, but she was to at least get the finger stick to see if she was a candidate to give blood and then if she was, she had to donate? I just want to seek clarification.

 

If this is true, it's actually illegal because they would be requiring verification that she gave blood and that's a HIPPA law violation right there. They can't require her to have a medical procedure nor verify that she has or has not had it done. The only exception would be an international trip in which the destination country had specific vaccination requirements, and she would have to provide a vaccination card with passport and visa. Again, though, blood donating, legally and religiously, is intensely personal and if the above is the case, they could be in serious trouble.

 

Therefore, I'm just trying to confirm that their words were that she had to donate or attempt to donate, not that she had some advertising or recruiting type position to fulfill.

I did bring it to the attention of the assistant principal that there was a mandatory blood donation thing. It got thrown back at me that my daughter was allowed to miss 2 things so she should have selected that as one of the two things. I think those under 17 were given alternatives. And I do think that the real issue here is that the teacher did not want her in NHS to begin with. I suspect a different student would not have been kicked out with this as an excuse. SO..it is my belief that the teacher is using this as an excuse. And she will not even discuss it with me at this point. Still working with the AP. If anything changes, I will post. I am guessing it won't. I did point out to the AP that this teacher and I have been fighting since 10th grade and I feel this is just an excuse and was the intent of the teacher all along. Plus, we are going to file that complaint with NHS that someone posted a link to above.

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I hope she's able to move beyond her current state of not wanting to attend graduation, and use this as a learning experience.  Clubs and organizations have rules.  I'm sure she had a good reason for missing the one meeting and event, but I'm guessing that getting the Halloween candy turned in on time was feasible for her.  Did you deliver it yourself because you weren't in agreement with the requirement and wanted to state your objections?   If so, that probably wasn't a hill to die on knowing that she would be wanting to skip the blood drive and knowing that the end to the required activities was so close.  If it's the graduation vestments designating the NHS students that has her not wanting to graduate, maybe a friend in the program would allow her to borrow their vestments for a photo after the graduation ceremonies.  Her academic achievements aren't any less valid whether she's in the NHS or not, and I really don't think that colleges are overly impressed either as it's usually just based on GPA and then these "volunteer" activities.   Her involvement in community service outside of NHS requirements probably stands out more.

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I hope she's able to move beyond her current state of not wanting to attend graduation, and use this as a learning experience.  Clubs and organizations have rules.  I'm sure she had a good reason for missing the one meeting and event, but I'm guessing that getting the Halloween candy turned in on time was feasible for her.  Did you deliver it yourself because you weren't in agreement with the requirement and wanted to state your objections?   If so, that probably wasn't a hill to die on knowing that she would be wanting to skip the blood drive and knowing that the end to the required activities was so close.  If it's the graduation vestments designating the NHS students that has her not wanting to graduate, maybe a friend in the program would allow her to borrow their vestments for a photo after the graduation ceremonies.  Her academic achievements aren't any less valid whether she's in the NHS or not, and I really don't think that colleges are overly impressed either as it's usually just based on GPA and then these "volunteer" activities.   Her involvement in community service outside of NHS requirements probably stands out more.

I delivered them myself because they had to be purchased. I bought them myself at the store. And took them to the school. I did NOT go in and chew someone out for demanding that I spend all this money for membership in NHS. In total, I spent a few hundred dollars, but I did not take this up with the NHS people as I just wanted her to finish the year and be done with it. I already had to have a meeting because they did not want her there in the first place. We had to have a meeting last year and the year before because they were trying to keep her out. 

 

What learning experience should my daughter take from this? Some people are nasty terrible bigots and that is ok? Or some people are nasty terrible bigots and......what? What is the lesson? That the same people who we are supposed to trust and teach our children to respect, are this disrespectable? That bigotry is ok? I mean, I am not getting the "learning experience" in all this. If there is one, it is not a positive one. "Don't trust people, especially not public school staff" "don't trust people, especially not teachers?" Those do not seem like the lessons I wanted my children to have to learn.

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I woke up at 4am because I am so upset over this. I am angry that the principal and the assistant principal knew this woman had a personal beef with my daughter and that this woman is being allowed to continue it. I am angry at myself for thinking it ever would have been okay to return my children to the cesspool of the public school. I am angry that my tax dollars pay to support this school. I am just sitting here crying over how this teacher was allowed to victimize my child, yet again.

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What learning experience should my daughter take from this? Some people are nasty terrible bigots and that is ok? Or some people are nasty terrible bigots and......what? What is the lesson? That the same people who we are supposed to trust and teach our children to respect, are this disrespectable? That bigotry is ok? I mean, I am not getting the "learning experience" in all this. If there is one, it is not a positive one. "Don't trust people, especially not public school staff" "don't trust people, especially not teachers?" Those do not seem like the lessons I wanted my children to have to learn.

 

I think the lesson Teachin' was thinking of was that organizations do have rules and that membership requires commitment. Not every organization or activity is a good fit for every person. We all have to learn to choose carefully where to put our energies and what promises we will make. I know it seems like there are extenuating circumstances, but I don't really blame the group for not allowing a person who did not meet the requirements to earn the recognition (wear the special vestments).

 

Given what a negative experience this seems to have been for her, and the fact that you've ended up fulfilling some of the requirements in order to keep her active, I'm not sure why your daughter would wish to remain a member of this organization. It sounds like it's been awful for both of you.

 

Again, I'm truly sorry she's upset, and I hope this doesn't suck too much joy out of her graduation. But it sounds like this group simply wasn't a good fit for her, for a variety of reasons.

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I delivered them myself because they had to be purchased. I bought them myself at the store. And took them to the school. I did NOT go in and chew someone out for demanding that I spend all this money for membership in NHS. In total, I spent a few hundred dollars, but I did not take this up with the NHS people as I just wanted her to finish the year and be done with it. I already had to have a meeting because they did not want her there in the first place. We had to have a meeting last year and the year before because they were trying to keep her out. 

 

What learning experience should my daughter take from this? Some people are nasty terrible bigots and that is ok? Or some people are nasty terrible bigots and......what? What is the lesson? That the same people who we are supposed to trust and teach our children to respect, are this disrespectable? That bigotry is ok? I mean, I am not getting the "learning experience" in all this. If there is one, it is not a positive one. "Don't trust people, especially not public school staff" "don't trust people, especially not teachers?" Those do not seem like the lessons I wanted my children to have to learn.

 

the lesson is that sometimes people do the wrong thing, and you have to learn not to let it get you down. The whole idea of not letting others determine our view of ourselves. 

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A couple of big lessons I've taught my kids are that:

 

1) Life's not fair, get used to it.

 

2) People aren't perfect and are likely to let you down.  When thinking about this one, remember that you, too, are a person and aren't perfect. 

 

Don't let either "get to you."

 

One I've passed down from my dad is:

 

Learn from the past, but don't dwell on it.

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I woke up at 4am because I am so upset over this. I am angry that the principal and the assistant principal knew this woman had a personal beef with my daughter and that this woman is being allowed to continue it. I am angry at myself for thinking it ever would have been okay to return my children to the cesspool of the public school. I am angry that my tax dollars pay to support this school. I am just sitting here crying over how this teacher was allowed to victimize my child, yet again.

 

 

I am sorry you are having such a hard time with this. I wonder if a story from my own youth might be reassuring?

 

I participated in an honors program within my department in college. The program required me to complete two special seminars, do a senior thesis/research project and maintain a certain GPA. I also did an area of emphasis within my degree that required me to take three classes in that subject.

 

As I got down to the last semester or two, things got a little crazy. It became difficult to squeeze in the classes I still needed in order to graduate when I wanted to do so. It required some creative scheduling and having my advisor make a few phone calls on my behalf to come up with courses that worked. And one of the things we ended up doing was getting permission for me, still an undergrad, to take a graduate-level course in my area of emphasis.

 

The class was a little odd. It was taught by a young instructor who was not a regular member of the faculty. She had been brought in to teach that class, because she had recently published a book that was getting a lot of attention. However, she had no real teaching experience. Throughout the semester, we got no grades, no formal feedback, no tests. Our entire grade would rest on the portfolio of work we turned in at the end. However, the work I did during the semester was well received by the instructor and the other students, and I felt good about it. Toward the end of the semester, the instructor took me out for coffee, even, and encouraged me to pursue publishing one of my pieces.

 

So, imagine my surprise when the semester grades came out and I had earned a C. When I contacted the instructor, I was told that, because I was an undergrad in a graduate-level course, a C was an accomplishment.

 

As it turned out, of course, that C was enough to nudge my cumulative GPA just under the honors requirement. So, despite the fact that I had met all of the other requirements, that my senior thesis went beautifully, etc., I did not get the honors designation on my degree.

 

And you know what? Yes, I do think I was treated unfairly in that one class. But the unavoidable truth is that, if my GPA had not been hovering on the edge before, that one grade would not have been enough to knock me out of contention.

 

And, more importantly, maybe, is that not getting that sticker on my degree hasn't mattered one tiny bit in my life.

 

The seminars I took were valuable in and of themselves. Doing that senior thesis was one of the things that made my entire college experience worthwhile. I still put the phrase "Departmental Honors Program" on my resume, even though I can't claim to have graduated with honors.

 

It was infuriating at the time, but it passed really quickly, and I got on with my life.

 

I sincerely hope that your daughter can get past her disappointment equally quickly and that she can find a way to enjoy her graduation, celebrate her accomplishments and move on to the next stage of her life without dragging this resentment along as baggage.

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