Jump to content

Menu

Do you check in with your spouse when you're out?


HappyLady
 Share

Recommended Posts

Depends if I am bored or not!

 

It is not a hard and fast rule. DH doesn't tend to go out in the evening without me. He works all day, and most of his friends work near him, so they meet for lunches.

 

I have book club and a few girly things in the evening. None of us at book club are on our phones, we are just having way to much fun. However, all of us get our phones out and send quick headed home texts when we are done. It's a safety thing. It is usually late at night, and pretty quite out when we are heading home.

 

Other than that, we text and call when we feel like it, miss each other, have something funny to share etc....  He is my best friend, and I text him about as often as I text my best girlfriend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Usually we call or text when we are on the way home, be that 6:30AM after bootcamp or 11PM after work or 2 in the afternoon.  More of a "do you need anything?" and "how's your day been?" than a checking up on each other thing.  Totally not alcohol related.  It's easier for the person who is already out and about to grab 2 leeks at the store than the person who is home (usually home with kids).  Also we frequently flirt via phone or text to, uh, get things headed in the right direction later on. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Only in some circumstances.  Neither of us really go out much with friends on our own, if we do we don't check in unless plans change.  He lets me know when he is going out of town that he arrived safely.  I do worry, especially when he is driving late at night.  He also lets me know when he is doing police reserve duty that he is on his way home.  He goes for a set shift, but often will get delayed for one reason or another and so I appreciate knowing when to expect him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Our moms group from church has parties about 2x a year that I'm out late for, and occasionally I have other things that keep me out late, maybe once a month at most. 

They never have a specific time frame - sometimes before I leave I'll say, 'I'm not sure what time I'll be home, but it won't be before the kids go to bed.' or something like that. 

I don't call or anything to 'check in' but I have texted him from the restaurant before to see if he wants me to bring food home for him. 

If it starts to get later than he expected (like 11-12ish, usually, sometimes 10ish if I said I expected to be home before then) he just texts me and says, 'all ok?' and I text him back. 

Then, he usually texts me and tells me he's going to bed, if it's later still (think 12-1).  Which is helpful, because I wouldn't think to get my keys out when I get home (my car key is on a separate keychain than my house key) unless he's in bed - so if I know, I can get them out in the car with the light so I can see instead of not knowing and standing in the pitch black trying to dig through my purse to find them.  :)

 

It's all about convenience.  :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, if I am out with friends DH knows I am going to be awhile since I can talk for hours.

If it is during the day I will probably call on my way home and ask if he needs anything since I am out. If it is late night he is most likely asleep and I am not going to wake him up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We do, but we have done that even before we became boyfriend and girlfriend.  Both of us used to travel a lot of work so its just normal to check in using the courtesy phones at the airport.  I forgot if SFO has courtesy phones at the boarding gates area but SIN has.   I was also city born and bred so it is safer to let someone know the cab number before getting into a cab.  It helps ensure a safe ride home when the cab driver knows that other people knows the cab number and estimated time of arrival at destination.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We wouldn't likely ever be at an event like this, but yeah, we call frequently when we are apart. He will let me know he is on his way home or to ask about x brand at the grocery store. I don't like driving alone at night so I will call to chat. He doesn't text so if we contact each other it is through an actual call.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I don't drink but sometimes I am out late with friends. (Late being very relative.... 11 or 12 is late for us!) I only text if I am going to be later than usual. I do prefer that he texts me when he leaves somewhere. I get very anxious about him driving at night and would just prefer to know when he is on the road. I think I have known a lot more people to die in car accidents than the average person. One funny thing is that dh does not get anxious about these things and doesn't really care if I text him or not, but when I am flying somewhere, he wants to know the instant I land! I always have the kids with me and it's usually crazy trying to get their stuff together and of course we immediately go to the bathroom when we land. He drops us off at security in one airport and my parents are waiting at the other end......it is much less likely that something will happen to us on the flight than when we are on the road.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is possible to send or read a text without being rude to others; in fact, it's pretty easy.

 

My experience is that people look at their phones and have conversations via text while the other person at the table WITH them is ignored. I can't text to one person and be part of a conversation with the people I'm with at the same time. I find it very rude when people pretend they are a part of the conversation with the group when they are using their phone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have 2 sets of girlfriends I go out with fairly regularly.

 

With the one group, I usually have a drink with dinner and call when I am leaving. The restaurant we go to is about a 20 - 30 minute drive home. Interestingly enough when my daughters were toddlers, and the other women were either no kids, or adult children living on their own, my husband was the only one NOT calling 2 or 3 times during our 3 hour dinner and drinks. Now, the women just text their husbands with their phones on their laps during dinner.

 

With my other set of friends, we don't do alcohol and the restaurant is so close to my house if I tried to call he'd be answering as I opened the door.

 

The reason I do alcohol with the one group and not the other is the type of food I'm eating; I like a margarita with Mexican and tea with Vietnamese. ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My experience is that people look at their phones and have conversations via text while the other person at the table WITH them is ignored. I can't text to one person and be part of a conversation with the people I'm with at the same time. I find it very rude when people pretend they are a part of the conversation with the group when they are using their phone.

I don't do that, so your experience is not relevant.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I call when I leave if I'm more than 30 minutes away and the time for me to be back was uncertain.  Part of it is practical though. Like some of the others, I might need to pick up something on the way home, or someone may have a question.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No. I let Dh or whoever is w/ the kids know when I am leaving and when I expect to be back. If I will be significantly later than what I said, I'll let someone know but that's it.

 

DH does not always let me know when he's leaving-he just pops off to the store-and he doesn't always call when he's going to be late. It drives me crazy but I've decided I'm not going to change him after all these years. He forgets and doesn't understand why I care. I sometimes wonder if he'd care if I suddenly was gone and then told him I had gone to the store when I got back, but I can't do it. I was trained too well by my parents to always let someone know where you are- it's a basic safety thing, IMO.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My experience is that people look at their phones and have conversations via text while the other person at the table WITH them is ignored. I can't text to one person and be part of a conversation with the people I'm with at the same time. I find it very rude when people pretend they are a part of the conversation with the group when they are using their phone.

 

 

I don't do that, so your experience is not relevant.

 

But everyone is not like you. (And I'm curious why her experience is not relevant.)   I've spent a fair bit of time in groups when one or more persons is more engaged with the phone than with the other people at the table.  I've not had it happen so much with one-on-one situations, but in groups.   It's understandable when spouses or kids are checking in for a purpose, but if it's obviously just chit-chat, multiple texts going back and forth, it is rude to the people at the table. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Out all day?  Not as a general rule unless either of us will be coming home later or earlier than expected.  In the evening, not usually.  Dh often will call before leaving something when he has left me home alone.  It started when he would take all of the kids out of the house as a treat to me (like visiting his dad or something.)  Just to give me a heads up that my alone time is up:). 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We don't check in unless something drastic has happened. Otoh, if either of us is concerned for any reason, there is no stigma in calling and asking how things are going.  

 

Phone calls don't prevent terrible things from happening, and I simply won't live in a world of fear, expecting that a late arrival means impending doom. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We usually keep in contact via text message. We don't often go out without the other for socializing, but if we do, we text to let each other know what time we plan to be home or if we'll be later than planned. Usually with a "leaving now, should be home in x time" right at the end.

 

ETA: We don't "chat" while out with other people. We visit with the people we're with and text only pertinent details re: where we are/how long we'll be gone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My experience is that people look at their phones and have conversations via text while the other person at the table WITH them is ignored. I can't text to one person and be part of a conversation with the people I'm with at the same time. I find it very rude when people pretend they are a part of the conversation with the group when they are using their phone.

I think the trick is to have friends who don't get offended if you exchange a few lines of text with your husband. Anyone would be miffed if a friend is on the phone the bulk of the night, but there are people who get huffy when anyone dares to touch a phone or look at a screen. Those people are best avoided for a variety of reasons.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, not usually.  We get in touch if there is a need. 

 

I know people who call their spouse when the arrive to say they are safe, and when they are leaving to say they'll be home soon.  Whatever works for them is fine, of course, but it always strikes me as a little sad. More of a child/parent behavior than a trusted partner behavior.  Or there are severe anxiety issues at play.

 

Or maybe they just like to stay connected. I certainly would not assume a child/parent relationship if my spouse wanted me to check in or if he chose to check in with me this frequently.  For some people, these are just "love taps."  In fact, I would love a closer connection with my hubby where we would talk more often.  But, I married an engineer. :)  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I understand what the OP is asking. Sometimes DH goes out with friends and there really is no set end time. So it might be an hour, it might be four hours, it could turn in to all day. (this happens rarely, as it drives me nuts). So in that circumstance yes, I appreciate him texting to let me know "hey, we decided to go out to dinner, I'll let you know if I'm coming home or seeing a movie after that". That kind of contact. Otherwise, we generally will just call/text when on our way home. DH likes me to do that when I am on my way home so he knows there is light at the end of the tunnel, and he can soon have help with the littles, lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I frequently go out with friends and he is in a couple bands so there are often evenings when one of us is out.  We will text back and forth in a fun way. I might send him a picture of my margarita and he will text back "Have Fun and don't come home early". Stuff like that. When he has a gig he might text me between sets and let me know how things are going, might send me a pic of his dinner or of mutual friends who go to the gig etc. If one of us gets some good gossip we will def let the other one know ASAP, lol. And we will often let the other know when we are on our way home.

 

But, there is no expectation of this. I might not text him when out with friends, he might not let me know he is between sets. No biggie. It is for fun, not from expectation. We are not obligated to check in.  Well, except for the gossip. There is an obligation to pass on gossip quickly :lol:

 

Right now he is across the country at a conference and I don't expect him to check in more than once a day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My experience is that people look at their phones and have conversations via text while the other person at the table WITH them is ignored. I can't text to one person and be part of a conversation with the people I'm with at the same time. I find it very rude when people pretend they are a part of the conversation with the group when they are using their phone.

I think that most people said they call or text on their way home? Meaning as they walk out of work or the party or wherever. Or after they are in the car. I keep my phone in my pocket or bag if I am sitting at a table with friends. If it pings I say excuse me, glance and put it away or down on the table. My friends do the same. No one is rude.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Or maybe they just like to stay connected. I certainly would not assume a child/parent relationship if my spouse wanted me to check in or if he chose to check in with me this frequently.  For some people, these are just "love taps."  In fact, I would love a closer connection with my hubby where we would talk more often.  But, I married an engineer. :)  

"Love taps" describes the communication style in my marriage very well.  It is not due to lack of trust or parent-child dynamics.  We just like to keep in contact with each other.  We've lived the life for years in which he traveled several nights a week or was going pedal to the metal at his job 14 hours a day and was unavailable,  but we aren't there anymore.  He runs a business out of our home, and we homeschool, and I work at home.  We are used to being in contact quite a lot.  It is our preference.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Or maybe they just like to stay connected. I certainly would not assume a child/parent relationship if my spouse wanted me to check in or if he chose to check in with me this frequently. For some people, these are just "love taps." In fact, I would love a closer connection with my hubby where we would talk more often. But, I married an engineer. :)

Exactly. My teenaged kids and I do this as well. If I leave all the kids at home to fend for themselves, I'll call or text after a few hours just to check in, see if I should bring milk or bread home, give them an updated eta if necessary. Then if I still don't feel like returning as my eta is growing near, I'll text and make sure everyone is still fine and getting along. My teens feel free to check in with me as well and will often text something like, "everything is going well, everyone is getting along, stay out as long as you want." I think it sets an example of mutual consideration because my older teens have always been good about texting me to check in if they've been out for hours or to let me know if they are running late. In fact, we do this instead of any hard and fast curfew and it works well.

 

I don't check in with my husband as often, but I'll usually check in at least once to say hi, and sometimes he'll whine that he misses me and to bring beer :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Phone calls don't prevent terrible things from happening, and I simply won't live in a world of fear, expecting that a late arrival means impending doom.

I can't speak for everyone but our habit of calling en route isn't at all based on fear. Unless we have a fear of running out of leeks or random grocery items. ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think the trick is to have friends who don't get offended if you exchange a few lines of text with your husband. Anyone would be miffed if a friend is on the phone the bulk of the night, but there are people who get huffy when anyone dares to touch a phone or look at a screen. Those people are best avoided for a variety of reasons.

 

So true! I think most people are fine with occasional text/phone checks. It's when it's constant that it's rude. Thankfully, most of my friends are not in the rude camp. When  I have experienced that type of rudeness, it's usually been from people who tend to be rude in other ways too. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But everyone is not like you. (And I'm curious why her experience is not relevant.) I've spent a fair bit of time in groups when one or more persons is more engaged with the phone than with the other people at the table. I've not had it happen so much with one-on-one situations, but in groups. It's understandable when spouses or kids are checking in for a purpose, but if it's obviously just chit-chat, multiple texts going back and forth, it is rude to the people at the table.

I agree that's rude. I meant her experience is not relevant to me or to the post she was quoting, as I was speaking for myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Neither of us drink, but if we are out without the other we usually text to say we are headed home, need anything at the store?, going to be later than planned, that sort of thing. We text frequently anyway, even throughout the day. If the kids say or do something funny I'll drop him a line or a picture. If I'm out at night, he might text me to say "where'd you leave the baby Tylenol?" or whatever. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We don't really find ourselves in this situation as we pretty much never go out in the evenings and on the rare occasion we do we're together. However we generally are texting or keeping in touch with each other somehow when we're not together so we likely would in such a scenario. But not for any particular "check in" reasons, just because we naturally keep in touch. We would not worry if the other did not check in unless they were quite late.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't drink alcohol (not sure of the connection here?) but I would only call if I had a problem. "Out late" for me means DH will be asleep when I leave the location. I do gently wake him when I get into bed to let him know I'm home.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We touch base pretty frequently.

Dh's job involves a lot of shmoozing (with and without alcohol, which doesn't make a big difference to me.)  He's often 2+ hours away and will get a hotel room if things run really late, especially if he has to work early the next day.  If he *is driving home very late, my brain is kind of programmed to wake up enough to make sure he got home safe.  We have some dark, windy, deer-filled, road-side-cross-riddled roads that make me more than a bit anxious.

 

One night, dh was home, in bed.  I woke up around 4am and noticed he wasn't there. Looked around, and his car was missing. Cell was going to voicemail.  Turns out, the genius was having chest pains (with a known heart condition) and drove himself to the ER. Which I didn't find out until 7-ish. :cursing:

 

We're both free to do whatever the heck we want, but there's never any up side to making people worry about you! A quick call or text with an ETA or even an "I'm not sure when I'll be there, so don't worry" isn't going to kill anyone! (You know, assuming it's not texting while driving. :coolgleamA: )

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...