An Insecure Child

[yucabird]

My younger daughter is six and extremely insecure.    If she can’t easily do something then she doesn’t put forth any effort (e.g., she might scribble at paper work or stand around looking nervous).   She has problems with fine motor skills (especially in forming letters).  (Gross motor skills are a little better, though she is not “coordinatedâ€.)  She is, however, linguistically and artistically motivated.  She expresses herself very well in both English and Spanish, and she is clever at word play.  She has a lovely singing voice, and she enjoys dance/ballet, art, and other extracurriculars.       

 

She attended a Montessori preschool, and we were impressed with the program, so when she “graduated†we moved her to the sister school.  Unfortunately, the new school is different…. My inclination had been to remove her post-winter holiday and homeschool.  But when I attended the school Christmas festival I saw she clearly enjoyed participating in the drama/play, the songs and dances.  She also seems to have made a place for herself in the classroom, and I am grateful for this.  She doesn’t want to leave the school, so I am aiming for a natural close.  She’ll finish the year (or if I can’t bear it anymore, spring break), and we will HS from that point. 

 

She has a homeschooled sister (7.5) who is sociable and athletic.  Their personalities couldn’t be more different – which is great -- but unfortunately, but she compares herself unfavorably to her big sis (and to others).  I have tried to minimize competition and emphasize the joy in people’s differences, but when my younger has to do something with her sister--or anyone who might be better at X activity--she shrinks, sobs, or belittles. 

 

If you stuck with me this long, thanks.  We’re playing family games, with mixed results.   We are trying hard to give her freedom to make choices, rather than just dictating, and we’re also trying hard to foster an environment in which she feels okay to take risks.  I am interested ideas, tips, advice, and book suggestions for working with a child with these issues. 

[KLinWI]

I have an intense, challenging to raise child, now 16, and some of the traits you describe in your daughter are and always have been present in mine. Some challenges just come with the package.  Looking back, I see the constant threads, but honestly, from the outset, I couldn't have predicted which traits would continue to make life difficult, which would simply disappear, and which were latent and unrecognized patterns of behavior.  

 

Identify a few core values that you can hold her accountable to and do that.  For example, we always tried to enroll her or expose her to many opportunities. If she flinched and didn't like it after trying, the "rule" was, you finish what you agree to start. (Unless it's a glaring poor fit.)   You don't have to go back a second time.  We insisted on kindness toward others, and tried to model some good habits, good patterns of life. 

 

When the child is fearful, or sad, or disappointed, you just walk alongside. Plant some good seed. Encourage and tend. 

Keep track of the noble traits and accomplishments to remind her of them when she dwells on the less good.

Lots of things change with maturity. Look for that and be calm when she falls. She'll get back up; it's the way with children.

[yucabird]

I have an intense, challenging to raise child, now 16, and some of the traits you describe in your daughter are and always have been present in mine. Some challenges just come with the package.  Looking back, I see the constant threads, but honestly, from the outset, I couldn't have predicted which traits would continue to make life difficult, which would simply disappear, and which were latent and unrecognized patterns of behavior.  

 

Identify a few core values that you can hold her accountable to and do that.  For example, we always tried to enroll her or expose her to many opportunities. If she flinched and didn't like it after trying, the "rule" was, you finish what you agree to start. (Unless it's a glaring poor fit.)   You don't have to go back a second time.  We insisted on kindness toward others, and tried to model some good habits, good patterns of life. 

 

When the child is fearful, or sad, or disappointed, you just walk alongside. Plant some good seed. Encourage and tend. 

Keep track of the noble traits and accomplishments to remind her of them when she dwells on the less good.

Lots of things change with maturity. Look for that and be calm when she falls. She'll get back up; it's the way with children.

 

 

Wise words – thank you, KL. 

I confess:  it especially annoys me when she cries over small incidents.  Yesterday, she lost a game in the classroom, so I was met at the school gate with sobs.  (In this instance I insisted she calm down, and we had a chat about it over lunch.)  But maybe I don’t have to “solve†anything.  She can cry it out, and I can just be there for her….I can definitely do that. 

[zoobie]

There are some good books for kids with anxiety. A couple that always seem to get mentioned:

What to Do When You Worry Too Much

Freeing Your Child From Anxiety

 

You said "insecure" instead of anxious, but some of the behaviors hit on anxiety. If you research more about it and it seems to fit, there are good options for therapy (CBT, etc.) that could make day to day life easier for her. And you! :)

[geodob]

Perhaps you could do activities with her, to identify the best way to do something?

Which involves trying out different ways, and then identifying which is the best way.

 

Where doing things in ways that don't work, need to be done, to find the best way.

So that being presented with something that she can't do easily?

That she might rather see it as a challenge, and explore different ways to do it, and find the way to do it most easily.

 

So for example, with the classroom game that she sobbed at after losing?

She might rather try to work out why she lost, and think of a better way to do it next time?