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high-func teen, social rules and filters


dbmamaz
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My son will be 18 in 2 months.  His diagnoses include pdd-nos (very mild autism), bipolar, tourettes syndrome, and a few processing/executive function issues.  

 

He has been tapering his bipolar meds down, and the risk is always that he becomes less appropriate, socially.  I'm starting to really want to find something to work with him on social boundaries before he starts community college in the fall.

 

The main issues are talking about politics, religion and sex in inappropriate times/places/ways.  

 

For example, we are atheist and liberal and i sometimes express lighthearted exasperation about things conservative christians do which i disagree with - but only at home.  My son will say similar things out in public to people he doesnt know - obviously a very high risk of offending people.  He once got a talking-to from another homeschool mom at park day, and honestly, even after the talking-to, he didnt realize he'd done anything wrong.  He needs VERY explicit instructions.

 

Just last week, he and the only other kid his age at his homeschool martial arts class were arguing about religion - some detail about virgin birth, i think.  i have no idea.  They both seemed pretty engaged, oppositional but not angry or disrespectful - but - i could tell the other parents were uncomfortable.  I tried to stop them, but finally just pointed out that small kids were coming out soon - they agreed to take it outside.  

 

He has also, in the past year, become obsessed with the idea of being transgendered.  i honestly think its an aspie-type obsession - he never talked about this before, and it seems more abstract, like he thinks about it and feels excited, not like he already thinks of himself as female.  I told him its not something we're paying for and I think he really needs to figure out who he is first before deciding to change it.  Now, we go to a UU church which is extremely liberal and welcoming to gays.  But he seems to talk about his gender issues any time anything about sex comes up in the youth group - and right now they are doing OWL - the UU 2-month-long sex ed class.  I'm sure he's probably going overboard - but to be honest, I think he should feel safe there - but otoh, I was talking to someone who was the youth adviser 2 years ago, and whose daughter is in the class now, who said my son 'has no boundaries'.  He said his daughter was upset about something, but when her father explained it that way, it made sense.

 

so i'm thinking i need some way to address this.  I'm not sure if there's a relevant book?  maybe even something with exercises?  This kid is very smart but usually unable to apply things without a lot of coaching, and sometimes it just feels beyond me.

 

He had one therapist we sort of liked, but we eventually stopped going because she would spend the whole time talking about how much he missed his biodad (when he was younger) and about what he wanted to do about his transgender feelings (more recently) and it just never felt productive.  

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Something that can be helpful, is role playing?

You said that the main issues are politics, religion and sex.

Where you could have discussions of topics of his interest.

But with the discussions, you take on his opinion on the topic.

Then have him take on the position of the other person, and from this position, to try and argue against your position 

Which is actually his position.

Where it is basically practicing thinking from the position of the 'other'.

 

Social boundaries and what is appropriate/ inappropriate, aren't fixed things.

But rather defined by the other person/ people, and also the situation,

Where we need to think outside of ourselves, to recognize what is appropriate/ inappropriate.

So that role plays, and having debates where he takes on the point of view of the other.

Can help to develop this.

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"The Asperkid's Secret Guide to Social Rules" by Jennifer Cook O'Toole is good. My oldest isn't "on the spectrum" (she's actually a bit of a social butterfly), but she can run her mouth off in a tactless way. So I had her read the book and it did help with reducing the "foot-in-the-mouth" incidents.

 

Youngest DD's speech therapist is a big fan of Michelle Garcia Winner's materials. This is Ms. Winner's book for teens & young adults: http://www.socialthinking.com/books-products/products-by-age-range/high-school-a-transition-into-adulthood/socially-curious-and-curiously-social-a-social-thinking-guidebook-for-bright-teens-young-adults-detail

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There is also a great book that he can read himself and work through called Big Picture Thinking. The author did a wonderful job of writing it to fit all sorts of ages. I highly recommend it.

 

What about using one of those circle diagrams that show his degree/level of relationship with others ( I can't for the life of me remember the proper name for it.. Hopefully you know what I am talking about!). I am picturing using a large one of those along with slips of paper that outline the various scenarios that he can sort onto the proper level of relationship to discuss that with. In big picture she uses a pyramid diagram to show the difference in relationship and that would probably work better then the circle.

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Thanks - Crimson, the second book, the one  you linked, i realized i already had on my amazon wish list.  I added the first one you recommended.  I've heard other ppl talk about drawing circles and saying who is in and who is out or at what level you can talk about what.  I think what threw me off (after the last time I started looking in to this) was his therapist.  We asked her about it, and her answer was "dont talk about politics, religion or sex."  Well, that didnt work.  He has gotten to a stage where these are his favorite topics.  He is even willing to weather his step-fathers 'annoyed' tone to 'discuss' politics with him.  

 

We ended up dropping one subject per kid this month, and I need to add something back, but i think i'll wait until after spring break (which is in a month) - and then I'll probably get two of these books and have him read / discuss them.  take notes, even.  

 

thanks

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Are you familiar with RDI therapy at all? 

 

We saw some improvement in these challenges due to the developing skill of watching the social partner, and learning the nonverbal communication for being bored or uncomfortable. My son was younger at the time so we did this through games. We never talked about the point of the games but just let him figure it out slowly but surely. At your son's age, he might benefit from doing an age appropriate game (like a card game) with family or RDI therapist in your area, and then talk about it, analyze it, and really study this "language," so he can learn to apply it on the fly. 

 

I liked it because it wasn't a list of rules to memorize, but a method of knowing what to do when you don't know what to do. There's simply not a rule for every scenario. 

 

 

 

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