Jump to content

Menu

If you have a child who seems disorganized and forgetful...


alef
 Share

Recommended Posts

I so sympathize with that child!

 

Just thinking about this tonight. I had a couple of instances of brain disconnect this evening, and they brought to mind memories of my school years and being told over and over that my failure to stay on top of schoolwork was the result of laziness and not caring, or even of defiance.

 

So tonight's story:

 

We were going to an evening event (Blue and Gold banquet for cub scouts and their families) and I changed the toddler's diaper right before we left. Halfway through dinner I was surprised to see his pants were wet, but decided he must have spilled water on himself. When we got home I went to get him ready for bed--I pulled off his pants and discovered he had on nothing underneath. Apparently I had managed to leave out the critical step of putting on the new diaper earlier...oops.

 

I went to help the rest of my kids get ready for bed, and my eight year old son reminded me that he needed to take his medicine. I went to the kitchen, filled a cup with water, took it back to the bedroom, and tried to hand it to my three year old. He looked at me quizzically and didn't take the cup--that's when I realized that not only had I forgotten to get the medicine but I wasn't even giving the water to the right child.

 

Sigh. Sometimes it really has nothing to do with motivation or work ethic. Some of us just really struggle with remembering exactly what it is we need to do and getting it done--our brains just don't track things well. No matter how simple something may be or how often we have done it before.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just wanted to sympathise with you. I had the exact thing growing up... Even though I did well at school it was always could do better if she tried harder. Instead of recognition that the cognitive skills and organisation skills didn't match. Also I did exactly that the other day with the nappy. And shocked a kid at homeschool when I tried to put my kids jumper on the wrong kid

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for sharing this. I think it is helpful for parents who themselves don't have brains wired like this to understand the actual pain that it causes constantly to those of us who do. ADHD is real and not a moral failing.

 

 

Just wanted to sympathise with you. I had the exact thing growing up... Even though I did well at school it was always could do better if she tried harder. Instead of recognition that the cognitive skills and organisation skills didn't match. Also I did exactly that the other day with the nappy. And shocked a kid at homeschool when I tried to put my kids jumper on the wrong kid

Thanks for understanding! I do think it can be almost impossible for someone without executive function issues to understand what it is like to struggle with these things on a daily basis. One of my sisters was telling me again recently that my problems in school as a teenager were because I just didn't care. Um, really, no. We seem to have more sympathy as a society for people who maybe have a lower IQ, or who have a specific learning disability like dyslexia, and especially for people with physical handicaps; we bend over backwards to try to accommodate and help them. But people for whom organization and focus are a real struggle are way to likely to get labeled as just not trying. "You're so smart, if you would just make an effort"...without understanding that normal functions of daily life are requiring a huge effort. I feel like even the ADHD label carries with it a stigma that something like dyslexia does not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We seem to have more sympathy as a society for people who maybe have a lower IQ, or who have a specific learning disability like dyslexia, and especially for people with physical handicaps... I feel like even the ADHD label carries with it a stigma that something like dyslexia does not.

Absolutely that's the case.  Because the label doesn't explain what's going on and because people have been told for so long it's a behavioral issue due to bad parenting, you get a lot of discrimination.  

 

As far as the EF stuff, I think you're struggling because you're having to go in so many directions as a parent.  Your old coping techniques can't handle new demands, so you're going crazy.  You need to work on setting yourself up STRUCTURE for things, routines, organization methods, etc.  This book is particularly good.  Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD, 2nd Edition-Revised and Updated: Tips and Tools to Help You Take Charge...   For instance, on those meds, get 7 day pill containers or monthly or whatever will hold the amount he needs to take each day and get them laid out!  Any 8 yo can walk over, open the M section, and then you know it got done.  Make rules about interruptions, if the kids have the habit of interrupting you and breaking the flow of your thoughts.  They can be taught to wait 2 minutes if Mom is in the middle of something.  Create structures you can function in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Absolutely that's the case.  Because the label doesn't explain what's going on and because people have been told for so long it's a behavioral issue due to bad parenting, you get a lot of discrimination.  

 

 

 

:iagree:  I can't count how many times over the years I've been given parenting advice as though changes in how we do things would "cure" ds of his ADHD. That and being told what to take out of his diet, or what natural supplement to give him. I finally reached the point that if you (general you) are going to tell me what will fix him, you are going to get a mini lesson on what ADHD is all about. It might not change your mind (though I hope it does), but it will shut you up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for sharing this!  I do have a child who forgets things as soon as he walks away, or turns around.  He is a great kid, but forgetful because he is distracted by so many more interesting things. I get frustrated with him, but know he is trying and can't help himself. It's not too bad, but does drive me crazy.  : )  (((hugs))) for you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As a spouse of, friend to, etc. folks with EF issues, I know how hard it is in a way (and in a way, I don't get all of it either, of course).

 

I think we forget that folks with EF issues often come from a long line of people with EF issues--learning skills you haven't seen is even harder than learning skills you have seen that you know are difficult. I am middling organized (I don't have the drive to organize for organization's sake, just to be able to function well). I'm having to be more organized than I prefer in order to handle the responsibility of teaching things to my EF challenged family.

 

I think that it's hard to pin down how people view ADHD and EF issues--there are so many things that color our perception.

 

I wish for you...understanding friends, a supportive environment, and some practical tips that suit your lifestyle. :-)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that it's hard to pin down how people view ADHD and EF issues--there are so many things that color our perception.

Oh it's not hard.  I heard it PREACHED, growing up, that adhd was a crock and that if that pastor could get a hold of those kids and give them discipline they'd be FINE.  It's when people stand in front of you and say "Don't you think that's all just a psychological excuse for lack of discipline?"  It's when people in the church won't take their kids for evals because they've been told psychologists are voodoo and making stuff up and excusing sin and not willing to believe the Bible and just let kids pray through their problems.

 

Oh yeah, true stories.  Not hard at all to know how people feel.  Not every person obviously, but a segment of people.  If we ourselves didn't have a correct understanding of various labels until we studied more, how are most other people likely to?  

 

Adding: Therefore my conclusion has been NOT to use the labels, since people don't have a spit clue what they mean.  I say precise, factual things (processing speed, sensory, etc.).  I look at the audience and what they are likely to understand, rather than opening myself up to their discrimination based on misinformation.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh it's not hard.  I heard it PREACHED, growing up, that adhd was a crock and that if that pastor could get a hold of those kids and give them discipline they'd be FINE.  It's when people stand in front of you and say "Don't you think that's all just a psychological excuse for lack of discipline?"  It's when people in the church won't take their kids for evals because they've been told psychologists are voodoo and making stuff up and excusing sin and not willing to believe the Bible and just let kids pray through their problems.

 

Oh yeah, true stories.  Not hard at all to know how people feel.  Not every person obviously, but a segment of people.  If we ourselves didn't have a correct understanding of various labels until we studied more, how are most other people likely to?  

 

Adding: Therefore my conclusion has been NOT to use the labels, since people don't have a spit clue what they mean.  I say precise, factual things (processing speed, sensory, etc.).  I look at the audience and what they are likely to understand, rather than opening myself up to their discrimination based on misinformation.  

 

Read this paragraph second (copy and paste doesn't work). I attended a church where a huge percentage of the population either had been diagnosed with or self-identified (and probably rightly so!) with ADHD, but they did nothing about it or expected everything to revolve around the quirks (adults and kids). It wasn't fun. Acknowledging a brain difference and hiding said brain in the sand while unapologetically being your "dynamic" self is not a good solution, and doesn't make for grown-up behavior. One family who did try to acknowledge the problem had unrealistic expectations about how childcare and children's programming should go for their extremely difficult child, and the church just pretended like it wasn't really a problem or talked behind their back (mature both directions, right?) We no longer attend there, nor does the other family. In the meantime, they now medicate their child that was really hard to handle, and he's an entirely different kid. Their older child has inattentive ADHD, but not the hyperactivity. She didn't need meds, so they thought they could wait it out with the 2nd one (unfortunately for the VBS worker who went home with scratched up arms, and bruises, etc. every day the week of VBS). He literally needed one on one (or even maybe two on one) attention, and they'd blissfully drop him off and complain later when the teachers were exasperated. This doesn't even touch on extended family/in-laws with issues.

 

***This should be first. I don't mean to imply that people aren't nasty about such things--I experienced a lot of backlash and judgment about parenting my Aspie before he was diagnosed. That is one reason that I do not promote "biblical" parenting books. They never make disclaimers about what to do when their "biblical" methods fail because if it's "biblical" it will work for all. They (or at least those who promote the books) simultaneously expect the browbeaten parents who are now convinced they are not parenting biblically to know how to exercise "common sense" about how to apply the principles of the book without the method. Huh? If they knew what to do, they wouldn't have read the daggone book in the first place.

 

I do think your approach when talking to people (processing speed, etc.) is a great way to respond. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...