Teaching ours students what to do if they are sexually assaulted.

[SoCal Sandra]

Not long ago, some great advice was shared on these boards: Teach your students what to do if they are in a car accident. 

 

The recent discussion about rape culture on college campuses got me thinking that it might be fruitful to have a thread about things that we should teach our students to do should they (or their friends), become victims of sexual assualt.

 

I worked for a Rape Education Program on my college campus in the seventies and our efforts indeed reduced the number of rapes at the school. Recently, one local college (Occidental)  "quietly" settled lawsuits by at least ten sexually assaulted women who spoke against the school's mishandling of their reports of sexual assault. Seems like a step backwards, not forwards. When things are "quieted" it is easy for them to be minimized, and even to slip from our minds.

 

If it's good to tell teens what to do if they get in a car accident, how much more important is it to teach them what to do if they are sexually assaulted? Please post any advice you can think of.

 

To start, here are a few that I can think of:

 

Call the police or community rape crisis center if there is one.

 

Don't destroy any evidence, such as e-mail apologies from your assailant, and distrust anyone who tells you to do so.

 

Know that showering after a rape can destroy evidence, so call the police first.

 

If you can't remember what to do, search the internet for the steps to take.

 

Remember that mom loves you, so call her.

 

Parents, keep open the lines of communication so your students feel comfortable calling you in time of crisis, because pain and emotion may cause them to forget what to do. Not only will you be able to comfort them, you will also be able to remind them of important things, such as "Don't delete that e-mail apology from your assailant, and distrust anyone who tells you to do so!"

 

You may have taught your students to be "innocent as doves," but don't forget to teach them to be "wise as serpents." And I don't limit that to warning them about predators. If you taught your students to trust authority, please also teach them to recognize the conflicts of interest around them. Help them evaluate all advice with the understanding that it may be tainted by unrecognized bias, conflict of interest (money, politics, professional standing, etc.) or even outright deception.

 

TIA, Hive, for chiming in with any other advice you can think of.

[shawthorne44]

Mine advice would be much more practical.  I'd really rather it not happen in the first place.  

Never ever let your drink out of your sight.

Never get very drunk.  You can not count on your friends/other people to protect you.  

Never be alone with someone unless you completely trust them.

Even then have a back-up out.  

 

 

 

[Okra]

This is a great thread......so many people just would prefer to think that it's not going to happen to them or their child. 

 

I would add this:

 

You can be raped by someone you love, and it is still rape. 

 

 

[AmyontheFarm]

When my blog was publicly up and running, one of the things that I struggled with was discovering that people were finding my blog by googling "I've been raped now what"  My software dude was able to trace back the searches to multiple colleges.

 

It was a hard decision but I needed to walk away from it all for awhile.  My rapist got away with his crime for the longest time because I was afraid to tell.  Make sure your girls or boys can tell someone, even if they can't come to you.

[LMV]

Another thing I would add is even if they feel they do not wish to press charges an exam can be useful for:

-treatment for possible sexually transmitted diseases and 

-consideration of pregnancy prevention if beneficial, safe, and acceptable for the individual

in addition to evidence collection. 

[Sunshine State Sue]

I don't know if this is appropriate here, but I think it is relevant.  Years ago, I read Protecting the Gift by Gavin De Becker.  Terrific book.  He has a chapter in there on teenage girls.  I think every teenage girl ought to read it.  I haven't read The Gift of Fear, but it might be even more relevant to young women.

 

My advice would be more preventative:

- Trust your instincts.

- Be loud and be rude if you feel threatened.

 

Terrific idea to share this information.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I don't know if this is appropriate here, but I think it is relevant.  Years ago, I read Protecting the Gift by Gavin De Becker.  Terrific book.  He has a chapter in there on teenage girls.  I think every teenage girl ought to read it.  I haven't read The Gift of Fear, but it might be even more relevant to young women.

 

My advice would be more preventative:

- Trust your instincts.

- Be loud and be rude if you feel threatened.

 

Terrific idea to share this information.

 

I read the Gift of Fear several years ago. It is a thought provoking book. As you say, anyone has the right to be rude. You have the right not to take a ride with someone.  You have the right to offend strangers.  You have the right to offend acquaintances and even friends. 

 

Now some of those people are going to mock you to their friends. They may even lie about you.  That is something rather easier to live with than physical assault.

 

 

FWIW, I can think of several reasons why someone might decide they just couldn't tell their parents if something happened. Or at least not right away.  There is so much freight with the parent child relationship.  I remember keenly feeling that there were a couple things that happened to me in college that I just couldn't share with my own parents.  Fortunately, I had a dear friend who was the representative of a Christian campus ministry. She was my sounding board and shoulder to cry on more than once.  She knew how to console, how to help me stand up for myself and how to help me see when I'd been wrong about something.

 

I think that it might be worth helping a student see that there are multiple places they could go for help, even if they felt that for the moment, then couldn't go to mom and dad. I'd like to think my kids could come to me for anything. But I'd rather they went to someone else than to no one at all.

[SoCal Sandra]

Great ideas. 

 

Since none of the Martial Arts moms chimed in on the prevention issue, I'll mention that a self-defense class would make a good gift to someonegoing off to college.

 

While I forgot the physical defense aspects of a class I took long ago, I never forgot the assertiveness training that was involved. The teacher made all the gals walk past her as she gave cat calls or made lewd comments and each gal had to look her square in the eye and yell, "Leave me alone!." That kind of role playing can work wonders with a timid person who may never have practiced making a commotion.

 

Another thing we had to practice was walking like a non-victim: confident, with shoulders back and eyes glancing around to notice danger, and an alert look on our faces. 

 

It's even possible to practice at home by marching up to a mirror, making a stern face and yelling, "Back off!"

[shawthorne44]

I've heard it said that martial arts classes can back-fire by making women think that they can protect themselves in any situation and therefore go where they would and should be otherwise afraid to go.  But, in early high school my parents made me take martial arts classes for a year.  I hated it with a passion.  Part of it was what to do to get out of certain holds.  One was when someone has their arm around your neck and you're kind of bent over.  They try to make it as realist as possible.  So, you are supposed to bite a bad guy and are supposed to bite the fabric they are wearing in class.  Then you stomp their feet really hard (next to the feet in class) and then stand up.  Senior year of high school, I was rough-housing with my boyfriend in the front room of my house.  I felt zero fear.  His best friend was there too (so no sexual tension), and my parents were in the next room.  He did that hold.  Without thinking, I chomped down hard on his side (left a bite mark bruise), stomped NEXT to his foot and stood up.  I swear I was as surprised as he was.