Family rant - hearing about BIL's hip replacement via facebook?

[dirty ethel rackham]

Dh and I used to be very close to his sister.  She would come over often, whether to just have a meal with us or to take our kids out for an afternoon or something.  A few years ago, she started distancing herself from family and we don't know why.  Usually, we would usually see her a couple of days after Christmas (not on Christmas because her husband is a manager in retail and usually works every day between Thanksgiving and Christmas.)  She was "too busy" to see us the last couple of years - even when her other brother and wife (who is an absolute doll - she could never have an enemy ever)  come into town.  We know that her husband has some social anxiety so they would usually come early and leave early if there was a large gathering with "outsiders" (and immediate family with spouses and kids are not outsiders.)  But he is a super nice guy and we understood that he just wasn't comfortable and just rolled with it.  But he always seemed comfortable around Dh's immediate family.  She didn't come to our oldest son's graduation party a couple of years ago, even though she previously made a point of being there for her nieces and nephews. (She and her dh are childless by choice due to a genetic disorder her dh has.)  Lately, she has made it a point not to be around her father unless absolutely necessary.  She didn't even show up for his 85th birthday party..  She claimed that she "had to work" even though she had plenty of notice to get the time off and she has the most seniority in the place.  The only time we have seen her in the last 2 years is for a wedding or a funeral.  She is cordial, but cool. 

 

We have no idea what is up.  She has made noises about her childhood being "difficult", but why would she decide that all of this was so terrible in her 50s rather than 20 years ago?  Dh was very close to her and has no idea what she is talking about.  Dh had it harder because his mother was dying of breast cancer while his dad was in the hospital getting a triple bypass while his siblings were away at college.  My FIL is a wonderful, gentle man.  I couldn't ask for a better FIL.  I really have no idea why SIL has a grudge against her father and neither does my DH or their brother.  We are all confused. 

 

So, on facebook, she just announced that her husband is recovering nicely from hip replacement surgery.  We had no idea that he was having problems.  Nothing like a big shove in the face - hey - all of cyberspace can know about J's hip surgery, but we can't have a relationship with you?  I am so hurt, for myself as I considered her a good friend, for DH, for FIL, for my kids, who miss their doting aunt ...

 

 

[TravelingChris]

I don't know what to say.  It sounds so strange.I have a thought but I am not even sure that is happening anymore, it is just something that was much more common ten- fifteen years ago that could cause sudden hostility of the kind you describe but not exactly because then they would normally actually lash out about the "difficult" childhood. I can just offer hugs and hope some other poster has a better clue. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

perhaps she is dealing with depression.  In looking at some of what you've said - she's in her 50s (probably menopausal) with no children.  Even though that is by choice, it may very well hurt on occasion, especially when someone enters that time when it will never happen.  The difference between "I don't have children" and "I can't have children".  KWIM? 

 

Would she be hostile if you just popped over with a simple "get better soon" meal.  Don't ask, just pop over-  even have a cooler or something if they're not home and you can leave it on the stoop.  Maybe as a way of saying that you care without being too pushy. 

[catz]

Something is going on you don't know about. Since it's DH's sister, I might have him try to have a heart to heart with her about how much you miss having a relationship with her and see if she's willing to give some sort of explanation. Although, if her husband JUST had surgery, that may not the best timing to get into it with her. At this point, I wouldn't take it personally. It's clearly not about you and may have some mental health issues or something from the past she is having a hard time working through.

[alef]

I would also think depression, it can totally change a person's outlook on life including their view of past experiences and relationships. Also, with regard to childhood experiences, it sounds like your eh is younger than his siblings. He would not necessarily remember or know about negative relationship issues in their past. Discussions with my younger siblings have shown me that they don't remember serious conflicts I had with my dad as a young teen. He had a way of losing his temper with me that know one who has only known him and our relationship during our adult years or from a distance would ever imagine.

[alef]

I would also think depression, it can totally change a person's outlook on life including their view of past experiences and relationships. Also, with regard to childhood experiences, it sounds like your dh is younger than his siblings. He would not necessarily remember or know about negative relationship issues in their past. Discussions with my younger siblings have shown me that they don't remember serious conflicts I had with my dad as a young teen. He had a way of losing his temper with me that no one who has only known him and our relationship during our adult years or from a distance would ever imagine.

[mommaduck]

Has anyone reached out to them, showed up, asked her alone to go out, etc? She does sound depressed and alone. Children also have different perceptions of the same childhood...even as to who had it worse and why. Graduations, birthdays, etc...that can all be hard if you don't feel like celebrating or you are leading an entirely different life than those around you. There are so many possibilities. It sounds like she might need a luncheon out and see if you can get her to open up. She may not even realize (in her own head) that anyone cares.

[dirty ethel rackham]

We have tried reaching out to her.  Dh has.  His brother has.  She won't accept phone calls from her father - actually she never answers the phone anymore - just leaves cryptic voicemails. From facebook, we know that she has a social life.  She comments on things people post even me.  She posts things that she has done.

 

Dh is so hurt.  Dh's brother and father are so hurt.  Dh is the youngest, but his sister is only 13 months older than him so they were always very close.  His oldest brother is 3 years older than him.  Dh wondered if there was some abuse issue, but dh can't even imagine when it could have happened.  His dad was almost always working and spent way more time with the boys (by everyone's preference it was assumed.)  She spent more time with the women in the family.  All of the siblings expressed some negative things about their mother, but nothing character-wise.   Just that she had almost no life outside of family and taking care of her mother, which made her somewhat of a butt-in-ski.  Dh wanted me to work mostly so that I would have a life outside the home, unlike his mother.   

 

We have tried in the past to pop in with a treat but we were not welcomed.  She acted uncomfortable to have us there (and she used to be a most gracious host.)  It's not like her house was a mess - it wasn't.  She has other people over frequently.  Just not us. 

 

I had wondered if it was regrets over not having a family herself.  She had talked about this quite a bit when she was engaged because she knew that they would not have children.  She made a decision to be the doting aunt and we welcomed her attention on the kids.  She and her husband befriended another family - well, a woman and her child.  About 14 years ago, a woman they know was splitting from her husband when she had a very young baby.  They offered her a place to stay (they have a large house with a good set up for hosting extended overnight guests.)  She stayed with them for several months and they became very close to this boy.  She moved out and they have stayed very close - like family.  We became acquainted with this woman and her family through SIL.  This boy has had it rough with some significant chronic health problems and surgeries.   He is now a teenager.  I know that SIL is still very involved in their life - she takes off work to go with her friend to Children's when this boy needs check ups (MRIs and follow up care.)   But, we get the impression that SIL thinks that we don't care about this family and that we judge her for being so involved, which couldn't be further from the truth.  I have told her on many occasions how much we admire her for how she has helped this family.  I have offered my help as well, but was refused - they said they had it covered.  Her father has questioned some of the aid she has given this woman (some of it financial), but mostly to make sure that she wasn't being taken advantage of.  Her father did tell her that he was proud of her living her Christian ideals and that it was her money and time to decide what to do with as she pleased (SIL and BIL are very comfortable financially.)  It seems like she has cut ties with us, but continues to be very involved in this other family.   

 

It seems like she is manufacturing some reason to cut ties with us, except via facebook.  I hate that she is all nicey-nicey on fb, but won't have anything to do with us in real life.  It is so weird. 

[LostSurprise]

There could be many reasons. Have you contacted her (by phone, email, etc. whatever is most comfortable for her) to ask if there's anything you've done to cause tension between you? Just let her know you've noticed that she's been distancing herself from your family, and you miss her and her husband, and ask if there's anything you can do to help with the surgery. 

 

There are many ways a family can be more difficult on one member, especially if that person is a different gender or has a different personality. It may just be how they perceive it. Maybe it wouldn't be much to your husband. Or perhaps as the girl a lot of things fell on her that didn't on her brothers.

 

Also, keep in mind, the loveliest people in the world can make mistakes and have secrets. I know a family where one of the parents was known far and wide as a great person, loved by the town and adored by their family. It wasn't until after the parent's death that really terrible things done to only one of the siblings came out. I'm sure if it didn't come from an outside source (the parent had gone to private counseling to change the problem), the others would have thought their sibling was crazy. I'm not sure they completely believed it even with an outside source. It did not match up to the parent they knew. It was a very hard time. There was anger. There was disbelief. There were recriminations. It was a bit like a 2 deaths in the family. Long, long before any of this happened the sibling had moved away and had a pleasant but distant relationship with everyone else. 

 

Anyway, don't spend time debating why she's pulling away...just try to be a friend to her. It may mean spending a little more time and effort to keep up the relationship. If you can do that, do it. Accept that her childhood was hard for her. Whatever that means. It doesn't have to mean anything. Not being believed is a reason to be distant from people. 

[readwithem]

Oh that would drive me nuts as well.  I would try to have a frank discussion with her - though I would approach her as gently and winsomely as possible. I would reiterate how much you appreciate her doting aunt aspects toward both your children and the other family.

[mommaduck]

(((hugs))) I'm not one to beat around the bush. I'd straight out ask her, but that could also end what little relationship you have, so might not be the wisest way to go.

[dirty ethel rackham]

We have tried.  It is really hard to have a discussion with someone who is avoiding you.  Dh has tried.  I have tried.  Dh's brother's wife (who was very close with SIL before I came into the picture) has tried.  Her father has tried.  She will not talk on the phone and we have left messages.  We have pm'd her on facebook. Dh has invited her out.  It is not like she wouldn't be believed if she said something.  She just comes across as whining - some things mentioned in passing were things that had been talked about previously, but with in a more positive context (on her part.)  (We didn't say so, but that is how it came across - like a whiney 20 year old rather than a grown woman.) She did not have the bulk of housework - her dad made sure his sons had equal responsibilities in the household - they probably had more as they did outside chores as well. 

 

You just can't get a person to open up to you if they keep you at a distance.  It is frustrating.  It is hurtful.  It is somewhat sudden.  The part that really hurts is that FIL won't be with us much longer - this could be his last year - who knows.  I feel she is missing an opportunity - either to clear the air or to make amends. 

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry, Ellen. :(

[PrincessMommy]

Has your dh tried talking with her dh alone without sis around?   Maybe he can get some answer from him in private....stuff she won't tell anyone about. 

 

I'm sorry too... how sad for your whole family. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

Unfortunately, there is no "taking someone to the side" if there is no seeing them outside of 20 minutes at a funeral or 15 minutes because Aunt Helen came to town.  They don't answer phone calls.  FIL was in the hospital several months ago and SIL did not respond once to phone calls or emails or fb PMs.  We are sad and puzzled.  It isn't just a few people she has cut out - it is all of us. 

[mommaduck]

:grouphug: I wish I had more to offer, but I don't. I'm sorry :(

[bolt.]

I'm sorry that you've lost a relationship that you cared about. I understand that the "mystery" of it all has left you craving an answer, some kind of good reason for her choices.

 

I get why you are in that space... But that doesn't mean that it is a good space for you to spend time.

 

In the absence of a (known) good reason, you seem to have concluded that she is acting this way without a reason... You sound angry? Maybe? Like you expected "better" treatment from a sibling / sibling-in-law? Like she ought to be a "better" daughter?

 

I want to tell you that it is a waste of your energy to make up standards/expectations for others. Adult sibling behave in a variety of ways -- some very close, others very distant. Sometimes the relationship starts one way, then changes to another way. Those things are OK. She doesn't have to be a doting auntie. Some kids get doting aunties and other kids get "what was her name again?" aunties.

 

She's not a bad person just because she has her primary social life with people other than her immediate or extended family. She doesn't owe that to her family -- nobody does. (If I'm wrong about this, if you honestly think it's a moral obligation, you should just call me a bad person, and I'll bow out of the thread.)

 

If she's been offended by her father, or had just plain had enough of whatever dynamic they used to have -- please consider trusting her judgement, rather than assuming that her (unknown) reason probably isn't a "good reason" for her choices.

 

I'd be shocked and appalled if I had any inkling that my Sister in Law(s) were analyzing my choices and relationships... And finding me lacking... If they had such ideas that I was in need of intervention just because I have a regular life that very rarely involves them. I rarely even think of them. I have a life apart from them and post it on Facebook.

 

Hopefully they aren't tender hearted like you, I'd hate to think I was hurting them. I don't like to hurt people by accident, but sometimes I forget that tender hearted people exist.

 

I'm sure your SIL's choices have nothing to do with you or her brother(s). I think you will be less hurt in the future if you accept the idea that its just-plain-OK to have close friends and distant family connections. She's not trying to send you a message, and you don't need to try to change anything. It's a perfectly normal situation.

[Hedgehog]

I don't have any opinion or advice, but I do know how much this hurts.  In the past, we've found out about family members having operations from other friends, or a while after the event (6 months).  I would have just liked to say that I'd be thinking about them/praying for them at the time, or would have sent them a card if I'd known, you know?  Six months after the event, you can't really do that with any meaning.

[Lawana]

I'm sorry that you've lost a relationship that you cared about. I understand that the "mystery" of it all has left you craving an answer, some kind of good reason for her choices.

 

I get why you are in that space... But that doesn't mean that it is a good space for you to spend time.

 

In the absence of a (known) good reason, you seem to have concluded that she is acting this way without a reason... You sound angry? Maybe? Like you expected "better" treatment from a sibling / sibling-in-law? Like she ought to be a "better" daughter?

 

I want to tell you that it is a waste of your energy to make up standards/expectations for others. Adult sibling behave in a variety of ways -- some very close, others very distant. Sometimes the relationship starts one way, then changes to another way. Those things are OK. She doesn't have to be a doting auntie. Some kids get doting aunties and other kids get "what was her name again?" aunties.

 

She's not a bad person just because she has her primary social life with people other than her immediate or extended family. She doesn't owe that to her family -- nobody does. (If I'm wrong about this, if you honestly think it's a moral obligation, you should just call me a bad person, and I'll bow out of the thread.)

 

If she's been offended by her father, or had just plain had enough of whatever dynamic they used to have -- please consider trusting her judgement, rather than assuming that her (unknown) reason probably isn't a "good reason" for her choices.

 

I'd be shocked and appalled if I had any inkling that my Sister in Law(s) were analyzing my choices and relationships... And finding me lacking... If they had such ideas that I was in need of intervention just because I have a regular life that very rarely involves them. I rarely even think of them. I have a life apart from them and post it on Facebook.

 

Hopefully they aren't tender hearted like you, I'd hate to think I was hurting them. I don't like to hurt people by accident, but sometimes I forget that tender hearted people exist.

 

I'm sure your SIL's choices have nothing to do with you or her brother(s). I think you will be less hurt in the future if you accept the idea that its just-plain-OK to have close friends and distant family connections. She's not trying to send you a message, and you don't need to try to change anything. It's a perfectly normal situation.

I'm sorry, I don't agree with this at all. I think Ellen is deeply hurt because a formerly close relationship changed without explanation. I don't think it is at all "normal" to have a close relationship for years, then one day decide you are all done with that. Does it happen? Sure. But not normal in my book.

 

SIL doesn't owe her anything, but how can anyone with feelings not be saddened, confused and hurt by SIL's actions.

[bolt.]

I believe I acknowledged that it was absolutely normal to be saddened confused and hurt by SIL's actions. It's absolutely the way anyone with a tender heart would feel about it!

 

I just like to help people who are sad, hurt and confused. That's empathy leading to kindness.

 

Kindness is why I advised her to try (1) assuming that SIL had a good reason for her choice, even if it remains unknown, (2) acknowledging that lots if people have distant SIL's -- even though the switchover is hard, and (3) not concerning herself with trying to change the now-normal distant relationship.

 

This is the road to feeling better. Kindness is why I want her to feel better soon. Why feel bad for longer than nessisary? Of course, some people want to cling to being hurt and offended, and spend a few months trying to re-work hurtful relationships without the other party being at all intersted in that agenda. It's fair enough I guess -- lots of people try it, so it must satisfy something in people... But I don't reccomend it. Its a longer path to the same destination.

 

My recommendation: Be sad (grieve the real loss). Re-think (find a narrative that gives you peace). Be done (closure). Carry on.

[TravelingChris]

I looked it up on the internet but there is a chance that she may be having neurological issues that are causing strange behavior.  http://jnnp.bmj.com/content/76/suppl_1/i31.full

 

Many of these conditions arise in her age span.  A lot of them cause relatively minor changes at first, like withdrawal from some people. 

 

 

[Unicorn.]

If it's not a result of childhood abuse, or an abusive controlling husband, I would consider a mental illness.  OR, fil may have had words w/ her, without the rest of you knowing it, and she feels resentful towards her siblings for it, too.  I would just show up and bring her a meal, a get well card for bil, and don't call first.  Give her a hug, tell her you love her, ask if she needs help with anything, then tell her you really miss her, and would really love to have coffee or lunch, and leave.  

[sunflowerlady]

I am so sorry. It just seems unfair and wrong that she would drop you all like a hot potato after being close. I understand that families have different degrees of interaction , but it is the sudden change that hurts and is confusing.

 

You have tried. It sounds like you have tried more than once. Honestly, I would let it (and her) go. Who needs people who aren't interested? I always say that I only have a limited amount of mental energy and I don't want to waste it on people who don't have interest in me.

[Zebra]

I want to tell you that it is a waste of your energy to make up standards/expectations for others. Adult sibling behave in a variety of ways -- some very close, others very distant. Sometimes the relationship starts one way, then changes to another way. Those things are OK. She doesn't have to be a doting auntie. Some kids get doting aunties and other kids get "what was her name again?" aunties.

 

 

Your SIL is an adult.  You've reached out to her.  She wants to remain distant.  You really don't know what is going on here.   I think it's important that you take a step back and respect her space.  

 

The last thing you should do is pressure her, or contact her constantly or just show up at her house.   She obviously wants some distance.  Frankly, that's her right whether you are sad about it or not.  And if you ever want any sort of relationship with her in the future, you need to respect her choices now.   Really honestly respect her choices.   Stop being angry about it, and just let her be.

 

Relationships come and go, people have issues they need to work out.  Sometimes you just have to just step back and let them.

[Tammyla]

Dh and I used to be very close to his sister.  She would come over often, whether to just have a meal with us or to take our kids out for an afternoon or something.  A few years ago, she started distancing herself from family and we don't know why.  Usually, we would usually see her a couple of days after Christmas (not on Christmas because her husband is a manager in retail and usually works every day between Thanksgiving and Christmas.)  She was "too busy" to see us the last couple of years - even when her other brother and wife (who is an absolute doll - she could never have an enemy ever)  come into town.  We know that her husband has some social anxiety so they would usually come early and leave early if there was a large gathering with "outsiders" (and immediate family with spouses and kids are not outsiders.)  But he is a super nice guy and we understood that he just wasn't comfortable and just rolled with it.  But he always seemed comfortable around Dh's immediate family.  She didn't come to our oldest son's graduation party a couple of years ago, even though she previously made a point of being there for her nieces and nephews. (She and her dh are childless by choice due to a genetic disorder her dh has.)  Lately, she has made it a point not to be around her father unless absolutely necessary.  She didn't even show up for his 85th birthday party..  She claimed that she "had to work" even though she had plenty of notice to get the time off and she has the most seniority in the place.  The only time we have seen her in the last 2 years is for a wedding or a funeral.  She is cordial, but cool. 

 

We have no idea what is up.  She has made noises about her childhood being "difficult", but why would she decide that all of this was so terrible in her 50s rather than 20 years ago?  Dh was very close to her and has no idea what she is talking about.  Dh had it harder because his mother was dying of breast cancer while his dad was in the hospital getting a triple bypass while his siblings were away at college.  My FIL is a wonderful, gentle man.  I couldn't ask for a better FIL.  I really have no idea why SIL has a grudge against her father and neither does my DH or their brother.  We are all confused. 

 

So, on facebook, she just announced that her husband is recovering nicely from hip replacement surgery.  We had no idea that he was having problems.  Nothing like a big shove in the face - hey - all of cyberspace can know about J's hip surgery, but we can't have a relationship with you?  I am so hurt, for myself as I considered her a good friend, for DH, for FIL, for my kids, who miss their doting aunt ...

 

 

This must be very hard to live with, but she attempted to let her family know and then felt it best to distance herself.  Honestly, unless she further opens up and feels accepted and supported, your relationship is most likely going to continue as it is.  Also, you attempting to fix things with her and your fil, may be why she is distancing herself from you. 

 

There are many families that raise siblings with totally different childhoods, abuse, neglect indifference or even adoration can be focused on one child and not the other(s).

 

I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are dealing with this; I would find... finding out on FB hurtful too.

[J-rap]

I'm sure it's not about you, so please don't take it personally, in any case.  She must be going through something difficult, but what it is, who knows.  It could be depression, it could be problems between her and her husband, it could be something from growing up.  We had a similar situation with a cousin who had previously been very close to our family for years, and then pulled away.  She would make comments that didn't make sense.  We got a better understanding of it eventually, although it didn't really bring her back to the family.  But, it did help us to be sympathetic and not upset.  She apparently had a difficult childhood -- not abuse, but something that went against her already sensitive nature that caused her to interpret events around her very irrationally at times.  For example -- if she saw two people whispering, she would be certain that it was something against her.  Or, if a slender woman was at a gathering with her, she was certain that people were comparing the other woman's figure to hers.  Things like that.  Even if we told her it wasn't true, she could not believe it.  For some reason, this got worse in her 40's and 50's.  We have tried to reach out to her but she has put a wall up around herself.  We still let her know that we love her and care about her, and hopefully she will get the help she needs eventually.  We truly miss her in our lives!

[katilac]

A wonderful f-i-l now doesn't equal a good dad then. Not even being a good dad to your dh equals being a good dad to her. You said that you guys used to be close, it sounds like she was a 'normal' person who cared about her family, so I would assume there is some underlying reason for avoiding her father. 

 

You say that she has no reason to think she wouldn't be believed if she brought up a childhood trauma, but she may not feel that way. She knows  you think f--i-l is wonderful, sweet, and gentle, an all around great guy. It sounds like the family agrees with you. I will say the phrasing that she "made noises" about her childhood being difficult sounds a bit impatient or dismissive. This may have been her way of testing the waters, and she didn't go further because she didn't feel heard. That doesn't make it your fault and it doesn't mean you don't care or wouldn't believe her. It likely just means these things are hard to talk about, so hard, even when you have support. 

 

Why bring it up now? She could have been triggered, she might be in therapy, something inside of her might just have said "enough." There are many possible reasons. A relative of dh's brought up childhood abuse when she was in her 80s; no one had the slightest clue before then. 

 

Certainly it may not be an issue of abuse or trauma at all. If it is, it may not have been f-i-l, but she may be blaming him for (in her eyes) minimizing it or protecting her abuser. 

 

It sounds like you have reached out to her in general already, but one thing I might do, on the chance that it is related to childhood trauma, is send one more message assuring her that she will be heard. I would specifically say that I think she tried to reach out to us and felt dismissed, but that I was ready to listen now. I'm sure you have said things already to the effect of being there for her no matter what the issue is, but I would be more specific: I will listen no matter what the problem is or who it involves. Even if it's about f-i-l, m-i-l, dh, or any of the sibs, I will listen. Now or a year from now, I will listen. 

 

Once you put that out there, I would try to move on. You say she that she works and has an active social life with other people, so I'm not as worried as some about depression or cognitive problems - even if it is that, there isn't much you can do. Be as welcoming and friendly as you can when you do see her, and maybe send her the occasional 'thinking of you' card. Don't pressure her to visit more or be more involved with the family. That's her decision. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

Well, dh got some more information out of her.  She basically sounds like a spoiled young adult condemning her parents for being imperfect, rather than a grown woman who has figured out that people make mistakes, learn from them and grow.  She is seeing things through the lens of "poor me" rather than the objectivity that age should bring.  Her mother was a difficult woman - she really loved her children, but was very much a "woman belongs in the home" kind of mom.  Her dad didn't see things that way and he did things to help his daughter see that there were possibilities outside of what her mother wanted (like getting her a job at his place of business so he could have a relationship with her and so that she could see a world of possibilities.)  When she was in college, her father encouraged her to think beyond a home ec degree since she was very good at science and supported her when she decided to get a more science related degree.  She is refusing to see the things her dad and her brothers did for her and looking at everything through the lens of "everyone is picking on me" rather than "people had my best interests at heart."   She is re-framing everything in her life through this "my childhood is terrible and my family is the pits."  

 

Dh's aunt is dying right now (in hospice.)  She was like a mother to all of them after their mom died.  As she got older, she got a little childish.  Well, dh's sister has not forgiven her for somethings she did.  For crying out loud - her aunt just buried two of her children only 2 years after she buried her husband.  So what if she seemed a little manipulative.  Have some compassion for someone who was your biggest cheerleader.  Dh will be driving 3 hours to say goodby to this aunt, but his sister is wallowing in bitterness over perceived slights and missing an opportunity to connect with her aunt before she leaves us. 

 

I am truly sad for her.  I do know where she is coming from.  I was her ... like when I was 22.  I learned to forgive my parents for their less-than-stellar parenting (and, believe me,  my parents were much worse than anything she ever had to deal with.)  I learned to find joy in my relationship with my mom in her waning years.  I just want to yell at SIL to just grow up - before it is too late.  By coming late to the lamenting her "terrible childhood" game, she is missing out on some great stuff.  She is missing out on a relationship with a dad who loves her very much and only wants her to be happy.  She is missing out on relationships with her nieces and nephews - people she used to value highly and people who appreciated her in their lives.  She is missing out on relationships with two brothers who love her and miss her.  She is missing out on relationships with the "sisters she never had" (her words) in her SILs.

 

I guess all I can do is pray for her - pray for healing and maturity. 

[PrincessMommy]

Well, dh got some more information out of her.  She basically sounds like a spoiled young adult condemning her parents for being imperfect, rather than a grown woman who has figured out that people make mistakes, learn from them and grow.  She is seeing things through the lens of "poor me" rather than the objectivity that age should bring.  Her mother was a difficult woman - she really loved her children, but was very much a "woman belongs in the home" kind of mom.  Her dad didn't see things that way and he did things to help his daughter see that there were possibilities outside of what her mother wanted (like getting her a job at his place of business so he could have a relationship with her and so that she could see a world of possibilities.)  When she was in college, her father encouraged her to think beyond a home ec degree since she was very good at science and supported her when she decided to get a more science related degree.  She is refusing to see the things her dad and her brothers did for her and looking at everything through the lens of "everyone is picking on me" rather than "people had my best interests at heart."   She is re-framing everything in her life through this "my childhood is terrible and my family is the pits."  

 

Dh's aunt is dying right now (in hospice.)  She was like a mother to all of them after their mom died.  As she got older, she got a little childish.  Well, dh's sister has not forgiven her for somethings she did.  For crying out loud - her aunt just buried two of her children only 2 years after she buried her husband.  So what if she seemed a little manipulative.  Have some compassion for someone who was your biggest cheerleader.  Dh will be driving 3 hours to say goodby to this aunt, but his sister is wallowing in bitterness over perceived slights and missing an opportunity to connect with her aunt before she leaves us. 

 

I am truly sad for her.  I do know where she is coming from.  I was her ... like when I was 22.  I learned to forgive my parents for their less-than-stellar parenting (and, believe me,  my parents were much worse than anything she ever had to deal with.)  I learned to find joy in my relationship with my mom in her waning years.  I just want to yell at SIL to just grow up - before it is too late.  By coming late to the lamenting her "terrible childhood" game, she is missing out on some great stuff.  She is missing out on a relationship with a dad who loves her very much and only wants her to be happy.  She is missing out on relationships with her nieces and nephews - people she used to value highly and people who appreciated her in their lives.  She is missing out on relationships with two brothers who love her and miss her.  She is missing out on relationships with the "sisters she never had" (her words) in her SILs.

 

I guess all I can do is pray for her - pray for healing and maturity. 

 

Wow.  I'm sorry...but I'm glad you got some answers.  Shunning the whole family will not serve her well in the end.  I hope she realizes before it's too late.

[bolt.]

If members of my family had so little respect as that: that they honestly thought "me" childish and stupid because "I" evaluate my childhood differently than they would have -- I think "I" would be perfectly happy to do life without a close relationship with them too.

 

I'm the kind of person who would truly rather be without any relationships at all, than be in relationships where people don't respect me... And your reaction isn't respect.

 

Ask her for openness, press her for answers -- and react with pity over her "immaturity" -- and write off her pain as "percieved slights" and unforgiveness??? Really?

[Halftime Hope]

Well, dh got some more information out of her.  She basically sounds like a spoiled young adult condemning her parents for being imperfect, rather than a grown woman who has figured out that people make mistakes, learn from them and grow.  She is seeing things through the lens of "poor me" rather than the objectivity that age should bring.  Her mother was a difficult woman - she really loved her children, but was very much a "woman belongs in the home" kind of mom.  Her dad didn't see things that way and he did things to help his daughter see that there were possibilities outside of what her mother wanted (like getting her a job at his place of business so he could have a relationship with her and so that she could see a world of possibilities.)  When she was in college, her father encouraged her to think beyond a home ec degree since she was very good at science and supported her when she decided to get a more science related degree.  She is refusing to see the things her dad and her brothers did for her and looking at everything through the lens of "everyone is picking on me" rather than "people had my best interests at heart."   She is re-framing everything in her life through this "my childhood is terrible and my family is the pits."  

 

Dh's aunt is dying right now (in hospice.)  She was like a mother to all of them after their mom died.  As she got older, she got a little childish.  Well, dh's sister has not forgiven her for somethings she did.  For crying out loud - her aunt just buried two of her children only 2 years after she buried her husband.  So what if she seemed a little manipulative.  Have some compassion for someone who was your biggest cheerleader.  Dh will be driving 3 hours to say goodby to this aunt, but his sister is wallowing in bitterness over perceived slights and missing an opportunity to connect with her aunt before she leaves us. 

 

I am truly sad for her.  I do know where she is coming from.  I was her ... like when I was 22.  I learned to forgive my parents for their less-than-stellar parenting (and, believe me,  my parents were much worse than anything she ever had to deal with.)  I learned to find joy in my relationship with my mom in her waning years.  I just want to yell at SIL to just grow up - before it is too late.  By coming late to the lamenting her "terrible childhood" game, she is missing out on some great stuff.  She is missing out on a relationship with a dad who loves her very much and only wants her to be happy.  She is missing out on relationships with her nieces and nephews - people she used to value highly and people who appreciated her in their lives.  She is missing out on relationships with two brothers who love her and miss her.  She is missing out on relationships with the "sisters she never had" (her words) in her SILs.

 

I guess all I can do is pray for her - pray for healing and maturity. 

 

Ellen, in my life, it was parenting--specifically the sacrifices required and the humbling effect of making mistakes and not having solutions for everything, that helped move me out of some of my pride and pettiness.  (I'm still a work in progress.)  Eldercare has brought out more compassion and more peace-making in my nature. (On good days...)   If you consider that she has lacked these formative experiences, it may help you understand her take on life, which smacks of immaturity.   I'm so sorry for you all and for her.  I hope you can all come through this in a better place.  I'm particularly sad for her.  She may not have her parents and other family members to make her peace with, if she ever comes to that point. 

 

ETA:  please don't read this as my being unsympathetic to you and to the pain she is causing for all your family.  I'm not.  You have my heartfelt sympathy.

[Scarlett]

I am so sorry. It just seems unfair and wrong that she would drop you all like a hot potato after being close. I understand that families have different degrees of interaction , but it is the sudden change that hurts and is confusing.

 

You have tried. It sounds like you have tried more than once. Honestly, I would let it (and her) go. Who needs people who aren't interested? I always say that I only have a limited amount of mental energy and I don't want to waste it on people who don't have interest in me.

This. I have a brother who cycles through behaviors year after year. He goes from embracing us as family to telling outright LIES about his childhood. And yes it is things I know to be lies. Over and over the cycle goes.

 

I am so done. I recently told my Mom, who naturally is constantly being upset by him and his cycles, that I have plenty of people in my life who are interested in me, who love me, need me, value my advice and other contributions to their lives and WANT me in their life. So I am done wasting emotional energy on someone who doesn't seem to want that in a relationship with me.

 

I hope the OP can get to that place. I say let them go. Find peace. But that is not to say that she is behaving properly AT ALL.

[Scarlett]

I posted before I read the update. Even more so I say let her go. It is immaturity and I agree with PP who mentions that sometimes it is more difficult for childless people to be reasonable about the imperfections of people I their life.

 

She acts like my dss17 is treating my dh. Refuses to see or speak to my dh.....for reasons like ' you didn't play ball with me' ' I heard you yell at mom that one time'.

 

Ugh. It is soooo painful for dh though. And I know this is painful for all of you, wrap yourselves up in the family you do have.

[RanchGirl]

It doesn't sound like you want to have a personal relationship with her, it sounds like you want her to come get along with everyone in the family - the aunt, the father, etc.  And it sounds like you are judging her reasons for not being part of that, without having even spoken to her personally.  Maybe her reasons are petty and selfish, or maybe they are truly justified.  No one knows except her and the people involved. 

[Zebra]

Why wouldn't she want to distance herself when you so obviously disagree with her?   Frankly, I think she is doing the mature thing.   Distancing herself so she doesn't have to argue with you about it.

 

She's an adult, but you're not treating her like one.  She doesn't think she has to visit your FIL or you dying aunt.   If you feel that you need to do these things, then do them and let the rest of your family do what they need to do.   If she is being immature and missing out, then it's her choice to make and her cross to bear later. 

 

 

[Word Nerd]

I think some are taking the OP's clearly marked vent/rant too personally. This isn't about you.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am sorry so many of you find me judgmental.  Not typically like me, but perhaps I am.  I am judging her actions - she is older than me and I expected her to have more maturity.   I have been her friend for over 20 years.  I have seen a woman of great compassion turn away from people who really love her and are baffled and hurt.  Watching my husband have to tell his father that SIL won't be coming to his 85th birthday dinner was heartbreaking.  Seeing the disappointment on my son's face when his favorite aunt didn't bother to show up for his graduation party made me so sad.  I had a very difficult childhood, marked by bullying, both at home and at school.  I know my childhood wasn't nearly as bad as many people here have described.  She told me in the past how although some things were difficult for her, she was so fortunate to have friends and to have some family members who stood by her no matter what (after discussing some of my difficult things I dealt with.)

 

So, I guess her entire family is wrong and she is right?  Because she hasn't just turned her back on her father, but on her two brothers (who have defended her time and time again), her nieces and nephews that adore her, aunts and uncles who love her and miss her.  Yes, we all have flaws and foibles.  None of us is perfect.  So either we are all abusive jerks who need to be avoided or she has put on some seriously distorted glasses through which she (all of the sudden) views her past.  Funny, she did go to a family wedding hosted by one of the greediest, most manipulative, most unlikeable person on the planet (who has been been to dh and to her), but won't associate with the rest of us.  Yesterday, a beloved aunt passed away - she was like a mother to dh and his siblings after his mom passed away.  We're not even sure if SIL is going to come to the funeral.  She was very curt and dismissive to dh when he talked to her about this.

 

I get that many people are affronted that their view of their past is not the same as their siblings.  Mine isn't.  Mine was filled with years of emotional abuse but my siblings talked about how I had it so easy. To view it otherwise would mean that they would have to own up to the fact that they were part of the emotionally abusive atmosphere.  But, as adults, they have proven to be a lot less toxic than they were when we were younger.  I have learned to look past some of their crap and have relationships with them, guarded as they may be at times - but I am also will to be open to love even if it means being open to hurt.

[katilac]

I am sorry so many of you find me judgmental.  Not typically like me, but perhaps I am.  I am judging her actions - she is older than me and I expected her to have more maturity.   I have been her friend for over 20 years.  I have seen a woman of great compassion turn away from people who really love her and are baffled and hurt.   <big snip> 

 

I totally get being baffled and hurt. For me, the fact that you say she was a friend for over 20 years and a woman of great compassion means a lot, and I would do my best to not pick a side, and to be there for her when and if she did decide to get closer to the family again. I would figure there is something going on that I just don't know about. Loving, caring people seldom turn on a dime and decide to be bitter and vindictive for no reason. Maybe the reason is related to trauma in her pst, maybe it is not. You may never know. 

 

Time to let it go, time to quit trying to figure it out. It sounds like the questioning and such is just making things worse. Quit asking her why she does certain things, and let go of any worry about whether she is meeting family responsibilities. You meet yours as you see them, and let her worry about hers. This isn't your problem to fix. Grieve it, but move on. 

 

Try to not become bitter towards her in return. This is your dh's sister, and he will likely want to reconcile down the road if she comes back to the fold. 

[bolt.]

If you respect her, think that (generally she tends to be smart, kind and reasonable) and find her actions baffling, you might just jump to the conclusion that she is making a reasonable decision for a good reason. Instead you seem pretty sure of your conclusion that she is being mean and petty without provocation or reasoning whatsoever. If that's very "unlike you" -- you might consider changing your mind about your conclusions instead of sticking to your upsetting and unflattering conclusion.

 

I don't know why your DH agreed to convey her regrets to their dad. If it was so hard on him, why did he want to take that role in their communication? Why does your brother seem to be acting like her handler and go-between? What about the family structure makes that seem nessisary?

 

I'm sorry that your son was disappointed by an absent guest at a special occasion -- I'm surprised that it was his first time, but I'm sure it won't be his last.

 

As nearly as I can tell, your deep sympathy for everybody involved is leading you to an amplified version of this hurt, since you not only feel your own hurt at loosing closeness with a SIL, you also feel a similar level of hurt absorbed from others who are experiencing the same distancing decision. That must be very hard for you. People with high levels of empathy are very valuable in this world, but they often suffer for it. Your SIL is making one decision, but you are feeling it "as" at least 4 different people.

 

She doesn't need to be "right" to be free to evaluate her own past and come to her own conclusions. It's her perspective, and only she has the freedom to hold it. She gets to set the criteria, and she gets to choose what kinds of telationships she wants and how close she wants to be. If "person A" refused to be in relationship with anyone who wears yellow because she finds yellow nauseating -- "person A" is still "right" about that. She's right that yellow nauseates her, and she's right that all relationships are optional, and she doesn't have to be in them if she doesn't want to be.

 

You don't have to be "abusive jerks" to be avoided by a free person. There isn't a cosmic rule that "thou shall associate closely with thy family unless they are abusive jerks and you can prove it" -- the cosmic rule is actually "your time and your body belong to you, not others"... Which means that its fine to avoid an event or a person just because you think there is a reasonable chance if it being an unpleasant and unproductive time.

 

I don't know why anybody cares where she goes. I don't understand why your DH wanted to know her plans about coming to a funeral (or not) -- did he want to car pool or something? Did he need a head count for catering? Why shouldn't she brush off unwanted personal questions about how/where she intends to mourn this loss? Why press her? Who has any interest in her decision other than her? Who decides about her "family responsibilities" and who gets to evaluate whether her reasons for (apparently) not meeting them are "good enough" -- and why bother? It seems like a very upsetting thing to do... So, why do it?

 

These interactions seem terribly enmeshed and intrusive. I might be reading it wrong, but I can see a person wanting distance.

[Scarlett]

If you respect her, think that (generally she tends to be smart, kind and reasonable) and find her actions baffling, you might just jump to the conclusion that she is making a reasonable decision for a good reason. Instead you seem pretty sure of your conclusion that she is being mean and petty without provocation or reasoning whatsoever. If that's very "unlike you" -- you might consider changing your mind about your conclusions instead of sticking to your upsetting and unflattering conclusion.

 

I don't know why your DH agreed to convey her regrets to their dad. If it was so hard on him, why did he want to take that role in their communication? Why does your brother seem to be acting like her handler and go-between? What about the family structure makes that seem nessisary?

 

I'm sorry that your son was disappointed by an absent guest at a special occasion -- I'm surprised that it was his first time, but I'm sure it won't be his last.

 

As nearly as I can tell, your deep sympathy for everybody involved is leading you to an amplified version of this hurt, since you not only feel your own hurt at loosing closeness with a SIL, you also feel a similar level of hurt absorbed from others who are experiencing the same distancing decision. That must be very hard for you. People with high levels of empathy are very valuable in this world, but they often suffer for it. Your SIL is making one decision, but you are feeling it "as" at least 4 different people.

 

She doesn't need to be "right" to be free to evaluate her own past and come to her own conclusions. It's her perspective, and only she has the freedom to hold it. She gets to set the criteria, and she gets to choose what kinds of telationships she wants and how close she wants to be. If "person A" refused to be in relationship with anyone who wears yellow because she finds yellow nauseating -- "person A" is still "right" about that. She's right that yellow nauseates her, and she's right that all relationships are optional, and she doesn't have to be in them if she doesn't want to be.

 

You don't have to be "abusive jerks" to be avoided by a free person. There isn't a cosmic rule that "thou shall associate closely with thy family unless they are abusive jerks and you can prove it" -- the cosmic rule is actually "your time and your body belong to you, not others"... Which means that its fine to avoid an event or a person just because you think there is a reasonable chance if it being an unpleasant and unproductive time.

 

I don't know why anybody cares where she goes. I don't understand why your DH wanted to know her plans about coming to a funeral (or not) -- did he want to car pool or something? Did he need a head count for catering? Why shouldn't she brush off unwanted personal questions about how/where she intends to mourn this loss? Why press her? Who has any interest in her decision other than her? Who decides about her "family responsibilities" and who gets to evaluate whether her reasons for (apparently) not meeting them are "good enough" -- and why bother? It seems like a very upsetting thing to do... So, why do it?

 

These interactions seem terribly enmeshed and intrusive. I might be reading it wrong, but I can see a person wanting distance.

 

I think you are being very very hard on this poster.  It is not unusual to be upset by family avoiding important events.  Over and over. 

 

If I missed such an important event and my SIL who I was once very close to asked me why I certainly would not consider that intrusive. 

 

Something is not right in this situation but it is not with the OP.  I think she is normal to be upset by it and I agree she should let it go...but I understand her feelings.  I am glad she has a place like this to vent and get a few hugs. 

[Incognito]

From the OP I gather that this distancing has been progressing for years.  It's not an overnight change, and while it is unfortunate and unpleasant, it isn't in your power to control it.

 

There are people who were very close to me years ago that I don't know at all now.  I don't even hate them.  :)  I still love them, but life is different now, so we are not in touch.  There are others I am still in touch with.  It doesn't even mean that the ones I still communicate with are "better" than the ones I don't - it just works out that way sometimes.

 

And your apparent feelings and reactions to her feelings make it seem like she may well just want to have more space from family things.  If people are going to judge and pester me about what I do, I am going to feel uncomfortable and somewhat distant.  Even if I am trying to power through that, more pestering will drive me further away.

 

 

[Scarlett]

From the OP I gather that this distancing has been progressing for years. It's not an overnight change, and while it is unfortunate and unpleasant, it isn't in your power to control it.

 

There are people who were very close to me years ago that I don't know at all now. I don't even hate them. :) I still love them, but life is different now, so we are not in touch. There are others I am still in touch with. It doesn't even mean that the ones I still communicate with are "better" than the ones I don't - it just works out that way sometimes.

 

And your apparent feelings and reactions to her feelings make it seem like she may well just want to have more space from family things. If people are going to judge and pester me about what I do, I am going to feel uncomfortable and somewhat distant. Even if I am trying to power through that, more pestering will drive me further away.

Yes it has been progressing for years and she has been upset by it for years. And it isn't just an acquaintance it is a sister (to her husband). When someone complains about minor things from childhood it isn't unreasonable to say it is childish and ridiculous. Not to mention just because she is venting to us doesn't mean said venting is ever done to SIL or that that is the reason SIL has withdrawn from the family.

 

I don't understand the need to blame this on OP and make her feel worse than she already does.

[bolt.]

I want her to feel better.

 

The best way to feel better is to let go of her expectations and negative conclusions about someone who isn't being friendly any more.

 

If I wanted her to "feel worse than she already does" for longer, I'd encourage her to hold on to the anger and resentment that this situation is bringing out of her.

 

Most people who have distant in-laws are happier than those who spend time and energy being critical of them. Of course, people who are warm and close, or warm and casual are happier still... But that isn't an option. Therefore the happiest remaining option is to let it go and live with distant in-laws. It's not terribly hard. It's much easier than dwelling on the (percieved) shortcomings of others.

 

I'm not "blaming" her -- I'm reminding her that she is free to manage her feelings and change her mindset if she wants to. If she'd rather not, I'm hardly "to blame" for giving the reminder and advising how greater peace might arrive in the situation through such changes.

 

(And no, "A girl who was raised with one's husband" is not automatically "a sister" -- that's not sensible at all. The relationships re fundamentally different.)

[katilac]

  When someone complains about minor things from childhood it isn't unreasonable to say it is childish and ridiculous.  

 

Reasonable or not, regarding someone's feelings as childish and ridiculous rarely leads to additional sharing or a return to closeness. 

[Incognito]

Yes it has been progressing for years and she has been upset by it for years. And it isn't just an acquaintance it is a sister (to her husband). When someone complains about minor things from childhood it isn't unreasonable to say it is childish and ridiculous. Not to mention just because she is venting to us doesn't mean said venting is ever done to SIL or that that is the reason SIL has withdrawn from the family.

 

I don't understand the need to blame this on OP and make her feel worse than she already does.

My response isn't about blame and making her feel worse, it's about recognizing what the circumstances are and why the current approach isn't satisfying.

 

I want her to feel better.

 

The best way to feel better is to let go of her expectations and negative conclusions about someone who isn't being friendly any more.

 

If I wanted her to "feel worse than she already does" for longer, I'd encourage her to hold on to the anger and resentment that this situation is bringing out of her.

 

Most people who have distant in-laws are happier than those who spend time and energy being critical of them. Of course, people who are warm and close, or warm and casual are happier still... But that isn't an option. Therefore the happiest remaining option is to let it go and live with distant in-laws. It's not terribly hard. It's much easier than dwelling on the (percieved) shortcomings of others.

 

I'm not "blaming" her -- I'm reminding her that she is free to manage her feelings and change her mindset if she wants to. If she'd rather not, I'm hardly "to blame" for giving the reminder and advising how greater peace might arrive in the situation through such changes.

 

(And no, "A girl who was raised with one's husband" is not automatically "a sister" -- that's not sensible at all. The relationships re fundamentally different.)

 

I agree.

[Scarlett]

Reasonable or not, regarding someone's feelings as childish and ridiculous rarely leads to additional sharing or a return to closeness.

She didn't say she had relayed any of those things to her SIL.

[Scarlett]

I want her to feel better.

 

The best way to feel better is to let go of her expectations and negative conclusions about someone who isn't being friendly any more.

 

If I wanted her to "feel worse than she already does" for longer, I'd encourage her to hold on to the anger and resentment that this situation is bringing out of her.

 

Most people who have distant in-laws are happier than those who spend time and energy being critical of them. Of course, people who are warm and close, or warm and casual are happier still... But that isn't an option. Therefore the happiest remaining option is to let it go and live with distant in-laws. It's not terribly hard. It's much easier than dwelling on the (percieved) shortcomings of others.

 

I'm not "blaming" her -- I'm reminding her that she is free to manage her feelings and change her mindset if she wants to. If she'd rather not, I'm hardly "to blame" for giving the reminder and advising how greater peace might arrive in the situation through such changes.

 

(And no, "A girl who was raised with one's husband" is not automatically "a sister" -- that's not sensible at all. The relationships re fundamentally different.)

I didn't say it was the same. I said the person in question is a sister to OPs husband.....which is not the same as an acquaintance.

 

I too believe she should just let it go. But telling her ' no wonder your SIL doesn't want anything to do with you' is needlessly hurtful.

[dirty ethel rackham]

For the record, I have never been critical to SIL about her experiences.  I am usually a very empathetic listener.  Dh has not criticized SIL either. She has never talked to me about why she is distancing herself.  She has only spent about 5 minutes telling DH why she doesn't want to be around - not even giving him a chance to relate to her, to be sympathetic, to offer her support.  She just avoids us.  It is only after she dumped on him that he and I discussed things (and he discussed them with his brother) that we have come to the conclusion that, barring other more serious details, she appears to be petty and childish.  I understand not being heard or understood - nobody listened or cared about the years of bullying I experienced - everyone told me to just suck it up and stop being a baby.  If I used her criteria for eliminating people from my life, I would be alone - no friends, no family, no husband, only my dog for company. 

 

I guess what makes this is all even more painful is that a significant mother figure to them just passed away and FIL may not make it to the end of the year.  Seeing FIL's sadness when his only daughter doesn't show up for significant events is heartbreaking.  While most people think he is stoic about it, we know better and know how much he wants to make things right before he dies.  As much as I want to just let it go, we have lots of reminders lately about how much is missing.   

[bolt.]

Are you sure things aren't "right" already?

 

Does she have to socialize for "things to be right"?

 

What if things could "be right" without any social expectations?

 

What if you could "make things right" just by changing your definition of what is ok for her?

 

I pretty much think "each person picks their own criteria" is ok. The idea that "each person's criteria must be a generous as the other people they know" strikes me strangely.

 

I also think that it's ok to not enjoy family events, and therefore not attend them. To me, not enjoying the event is a good enough reason not to go.

 

Maybe it can be "ok with you" fir people in your family to say "no thanks" -- do you see what I mean? It's well within your power to turn this situation from wrong to right.

 

I really don't know why you don't like that idea. It seems so obvious. I feel like when I say, "If you forget about holding her up to arbitrary expectations, you will be happier." I've stated that water is wet, or stovetops are hot. You will be dryer if you don't jump into water. Your hands will remain unhurt if you don't touch a stovetop. If you don't like feeling hurt and disappointment, stop pressing your ideas if duty into this SIL situation. Your FIl can choose his own level of pain... And you will all grieve at least a little... But you don't have to pet snd feed your frustration. You do have a choice.

[dirty ethel rackham]

This isn't about "attending social events."  This about "choosing not to have a relationship."  Choosing not to attend social events is just one way she choose not to have a relationship.  How is that "right?"  How is having animosity getting in the way of relationships "right?"  Yes, eventually, I will have to let this go as will dh and his brother and our other SIL.  I can't see how FIL is going to let this go.  I couldn't imagine being OK with one of my children choosing not to have a relationship with me. I can't imagine not grieving that every single day.