If you asked a mom if one of her children. . .

[SKL]

And I didn't ask her to pack up her family and make the 30 min. trip. If I'm the one asking for the play date then I assume I'm responsible for the transportation. 

 

OK, this is not how I interpreted "come over and play," but I stand corrected.

 

[Desert Strawberry]

My kids are a package. Unless my dh happens to be available for the extra kids (which is not often), if one goes, we all go. My 11 and 7 yo are inseparable, and always have been. 

However, we don't do drop offs. I am part of the package, too. That is the general rule in our circles. Kids don't get together. Families do.

[momto10blessings]

Weird.

 

Two 8 yos is a "play date" where my kid is occupied and I can get something done. Two 8 yos AND a 4 yo is me babysitting.

 

I am cool with babysitting if asked outright as a favor and I think 6 hours is plenty of time to deem someone worthy of sitting. But to pass it off as a package-deal-play-date is not cool with me.

 

I have dealt with a family that had a "package deal" rule in their family for playing and birthday parties. Imagine my surprise the first time when dd's friend got dropped off with her 4 yo sister and 2 yo brother to dd's 8th birthday party. I was alone with 10 8-ish yos in my unfenced yard on a busy street PLUS these two little kids. I was so flabbergasted when the mom said that it is her family's "policy" that if one kid goes to a party (or play date, I later learned) they ALL go that I could not even formulate a response. She had driven away before I realized what I gotten myself into. She left the 2 yo's diaper bag! I was so MAD! I spent most of the party trying to keep these two littles out of the road. The 4 yo tried to run away then had a potty accident. We had to cancel some of the activities because I could not manage to run them while taking care of the littles. All of this AFTER we had not invited some of dd's friend's siblings who are closer in age and friends with dd because I felt 10 8 yos was the most I could supervise on my own. This happened again (i know, I am dumb) a few months later when dd invited the girl over for an afternoon of playing. Ironically, the girl was adamant about not including her siblings in their play. When mom dropped them off (again, I had no idea she was going to leave all three until she got here), I told her I was not comfortable keeping all three, she stated her family "policy" again and was prepared to tell her now-teary 8 and 4 yos that the date was off. I relented and let them all stay. Needless to say, dd is no longer allowed to invite this particular girl over. And I told her why.

 

That is the only experience I have had with this sort of thing and all of my friends agree it was weird.

Wow that's beyond rude. I can't imagine doing that with a 4 year old. Doing it with a 2 year old? Unbelievable. A 2 year old is still a baby!!

[momto10blessings]

To be fair, the OP has asked this mom to pack up her kids for a half-hour drive (each way) so her kid can have someone to play with. Having to take the 4yo out and drive at least an hour, is it so strange that the mom might have decided to see if she could kill two birds with one stone? And if the OP was the one driving her 8yo to the play date, the 4yo would be part of the package.

 

In my view, the mom of the visiting kid is doing the hosts a favor by doing an hour of driving when she could be doing something else. I think that mitigates the awkwardness of her asking if the 4yo can visit too. The OP can always say no.

I would agree IF mom was staying. Mom is leaving and should take 4 yo with her.

[SKL]

But why is it so terrible to ask?  It's a question, not an order.

[SKL]

I guess maybe I'm weird, because I've done free babysitting many times for friends / relatives.  I stopped charging for babysitting when I was 20.  I rather like having little kids around.  If there is a reason I don't want to do it, I say no.

[Joker]

My dds are 2.5 years apart and often wanted to go to play dates together. Sometimes I would ask for them. I was never expecting it, but I honestly don't see the harm in asking.

 

Now, both of my dds are in middle school and several times oldest has asked her friends if youngest can tag along before she has even asked me if it is okay. It doesn't bother me because it makes me feel good to know they are so close. Youngest has actually been asked/allowed to come along a few times this past year with oldest (after oldest has asked) and they've all had a lot of fun.

[skimomma]

But why is it so terrible to ask?  It's a question, not an order.

In certain situations, I think it is OK to ask.  Like if you know the family really well or both siblings are close to the friend or if you state that a babysitter is really what you are looking for AND you are prepared to be OK if the answer is no.

 

To ask outside of those situations is rude.  It is the same as inviting yourself (or child/children) to something without prompting.  It puts people in an awkward situation.  You either have to say no and risk offending the offender or you feel pressured to say yes even if it is not what you really want to say.  

[skimomma]

I guess maybe I'm weird, because I've done free babysitting many times for friends / relatives.  I stopped charging for babysitting when I was 20.  I rather like having little kids around.  If there is a reason I don't want to do it, I say no.

 

Not everyone likes dealing with little kids.  I am not comfortable supervising small children that I do not know well.  My house is no longer little-kid-friendly and I tend to try to get things done when dd is playing with a friend.  If a person knows me well enough to ask to watch (much) younger siblings as part of a package, they already know the answer is likely "no."  If a person does not know me well enough to ask, then they shouldn't because it is rude.  

[SKL]

you feel pressured to say yes even if it is not what you really want to say.  

 

The pressure comes from where?  Anyone can say no, and many do so very effectively.  Those who have trouble saying no are struggling with their own internal issue.

 

Personally I prefer a world where requests can be made and the person asked can say yes or no.

[SKL]

If a person does not know me well enough to ask, then they shouldn't because it is rude.  

 

Apparently this person felt she knew the OP well enough to ask.

 

After all, she was letting her drive her other kid around and keep him for x hours.  That implies some level of mutual trust.

 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Not everyone likes dealing with little kids.  I am not comfortable supervising small children that I do not know well.  My house is no longer little-kid-friendly and I tend to try to get things done when dd is playing with a friend.  If a person knows me well enough to ask to watch (much) younger siblings as part of a package, they already know the answer is likely "no."  If a person does not know me well enough to ask, then they shouldn't because it is rude.  

 

I don't disagree with you, because I feel the same way. However, I would think that if someone trusts you enough to leave their 8-year-old in your care for several hours, they might feel they know you well enough to politely ask about whether their four-year-old can tag along. People can't read minds; they can only find out answers by asking. 

 

I really don't understand why people have such a strong feeling about this! As far as we know, the mom in question asked, was told not this time, and was fine with it. We're attributing all kinds of negative intent to this person, and we have no idea what was in her mind. I can see myself asking this question when my youngest was four, because my youngest would have liked to have gone with her sister, and because my oldest would't have minded having her along, and because sometimes, the more the merrier. Yes, sometimes kids need downtime too, but how do you know unless you ask? Are we so afraid of having to tell people no that we begrudge them even asking a question now?

 

I'm seriously befuddled that homeschoolers of all people would feel this way. Isn't one of the purported benefits of homeschooling that our kids tend to be comfortable playing and palling around with kids of all ages instead of automatically assuming segregation by age? We don't know anymore backstory beyond the fact that this mom asked a very simple question. 

[Lisbeth]

I think it's rude, since the younger child wasn't invited, and there is a four year age difference in kids. It's not fair to your 8 year old who probably wants to play one on one with his friend to have a four year old tagging along. That's going to limit their play. I would have said no.[/

quote]

 

I agree with this.

[zoobie]

I don't disagree with you, because I feel the same way. However, I would think that if someone trusts you enough to leave their 8-year-old in your care for several hours, they might feel they know you well enough to politely ask about whether their four-year-old can tag along. People can't read minds; they can only find out answers by asking. 

 

I really don't understand why people have such a strong feeling about this! As far as we know, the mom in question asked, was told not this time, and was fine with it. We're attributing all kinds of negative intent to this person, and we have no idea what was in her mind. I can see myself asking this question when my youngest was four, because my youngest would have liked to have gone with her sister, and because my oldest would't have minded having her along, and because sometimes, the more the merrier. Yes, sometimes kids need downtime too, but how do you know unless you ask? Are we so afraid of having to tell people no that we begrudge them even asking a question now?

 

I'm seriously befuddled that homeschoolers of all people would feel this way. Isn't one of the purported benefits of homeschooling that our kids tend to be comfortable playing and palling around with kids of all ages instead of automatically assuming segregation by age? We don't know anymore backstory beyond the fact that this mom asked a very simple question. 

 

I don't think the age of the child or the schooling choices of the parents matter. If I invite you over to dinner, I'm going to think it's weird if you ask if you can come to lunch too. :)

[skimomma]

The pressure comes from where?  Anyone can say no, and many do so very effectively.  Those who have trouble saying no are struggling with their own internal issue.

 

Personally I prefer a world where requests can be made and the person asked can say yes or no.

 

Because no one wants/likes to hear "your little 4yo Suzie is really cute but I don't want her at my house."

 

We have etiquette rules to avoid this sort of awkward interchange.  You don't invite yourself (or by extension your child/children) over to someone's house so no one has to say "I don't want you (or your child/children) at my house."

 

Obviously, the rules change a little when we are talking about family, close friends, asking a favor, or having a local cultural norm that deviates from this.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I don't think the age of the child or the schooling choices of the parents matter. If I invite you over to dinner, I'm going to think it's weird if you ask if you can come to lunch too. :)

 

Wondering whether three children might play together as well as two is not the same as inviting oneself to an entirely separate meal where you weren't expected to be. There's already a playmate coming over that day; sometimes it can be fun to have another. Sometimes it's not. But how would this mom know unless she was allowed to ask the question?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Because no one wants/likes to hear "your little 4yo Suzie is really cute but I don't want her at my house."

 

Who would say this? There are other, perfectly polite responses to, "Hey, do you mind if my four-year-old comes along too?" 

[HS Mom in NC]

My personal experience is that this is common when one or more parents is Asian. We have two of those situations here in the neighborhood. They don't ask-they both just send the 4 year olds with their 8 and 10 year old sisters. (The dads were Asian immigrants as infants and raised in the US.  Both married Caucasian women born and raised in the US.) Mine is 8. My older two are 18 and 16 and not part of the equation when it comes to playdates.

 

Otherwise, I do think it's culturally abnormal in mainstream America.  I think when an invitation specifies one child, the parent should only assume the one child is invited.  If the invitation extends to "the kids" or specifically to the siblings, then the parent can assume it's OK to send the siblings. I think the parent should ask the host if she wants the younger to go, but should expect the answer to be no. I would only think it polite to ask when not sending the 4 year old along would mean the older child couldn't come wither-a rare situation.

 

Yes, it's asking for free babysitting.  The 4 year olds that come uninvited do require more supervision and help which is the very definition of babysitting. I do it out of cultural sensitivity in my situation, but I do think the mothers ought to know better.  I also don't deal with 4 year olds the way they do-they expect the 4 year old to be included in everything the older two are doing which is impractical and requires a lot more hands on from me.  I tell my kids (whatever their ages) that if they need a lot of my help or if they need some help from me to do something then they need to choose something else they don't need much help with.

[SKL]

You don't invite yourself (or by extension your child/children) over to someone's house so no one has to say "I don't want you (or your child/children) at my house."

 

Oh.  I always thought it was OK to invite yourself over to a friend's house.  Of course, having the understanding that the friend can say no, or another time, or another place....

 

I wonder why my mother never taught me this apparently well-known rule.

[skimomma]

Who would say this? There are other, perfectly polite responses to, "Hey, do you mind if my four-year-old comes along too?" 

 

Can you give an example of a polite yet truthful response when the answer really is that you do not want to deal with/supervise a 4yo?

[SKL]

Can you give an example of a polite yet truthful response when the answer really is that you do not want to deal with/supervise a 4yo?

 

"Not this time, Junior has plans to play a game that is too old for 4yos, and I'm going to be busy doing xyz."

 

[Catwoman]

Oh.  I always thought it was OK to invite yourself over to a friend's house.  Of course, having the understanding that the friend can say no, or another time, or another place....

 

I wonder why my mother never taught me this apparently well-known rule.

You invite yourself over to other people's houses? :confused:

 

I can understand inviting a friend to your house, but I don't think it's polite to invite yourself to their house.

 

I mean, if it works for you and your friends, that's fine, but it wouldn't call it universally acceptable to do that, and it's certainly not at all common among the people I know. We wait for invitations.

[Loowit]

I would find it awkward.

 

Because we homeschool my kids are around each other most of the time.  For our family, friend time is for one child to have time away to do their own thing.  I have never appreciated the, can I bring younger sibling question with limited exceptions.  My DS's best friend has medical issues and can't just be dropped off, mom has to stay.  When dad is out of town on business she tries to get a sitter for little brother, but it isn't always possible.  I can understand asking in that situation and am happy to accommodate, but then the mom is staying too, so it isn't asking me to do extra work.

[SKL]

Brr, it's a cold enough world without people taking offense at a suggestion to get together for a chat with a friend.

[Guest submarines]

Weird.  

 

Two 8 yos is a "play date" where my kid is occupied and I can get something done.  Two 8 yos AND a 4 yo is me babysitting.  

 

I am cool with babysitting if asked outright as a favor and I think 6 hours is plenty of time to deem someone worthy of sitting.  But to pass it off as a package-deal-play-date is not cool with me.

 

I have dealt with a family that had a "package deal" rule in their family for playing and birthday parties.  Imagine my surprise the first time when dd's friend got dropped off with her 4 yo sister and 2 yo brother to dd's 8th birthday party.  I was alone with 10 8-ish yos in my unfenced yard on a busy street PLUS these two little kids.  I was so flabbergasted when the mom said that it is her family's "policy" that if one kid goes to a party (or play date, I later learned) they ALL go that I could not even formulate a response.  She had driven away before I realized what I gotten myself into.  She left the 2 yo's diaper bag!  I was so MAD!  I spent most of the party trying to keep these two littles out of the road. The 4 yo tried to run away then had a potty accident.  We had to cancel some of the activities because I could not manage to run them while taking care of the littles.  All of this AFTER we had not invited some of dd's friend's siblings who are closer in age and friends with dd because I felt 10 8 yos was the most I could supervise on my own.  This happened again (i know, I am dumb) a few months later when dd invited the girl over for an afternoon of playing.  Ironically, the girl was adamant about not including her siblings in their play.  When mom dropped them off (again, I had no idea she was going to leave all three until she got here), I told her I was not comfortable keeping all three, she stated her family "policy" again and was prepared to tell her now-teary 8 and 4 yos that the date was off.  I relented and let them all stay.  Needless to say, dd is no longer allowed to invite this particular girl over.  And I told her why.

 

That is the only experience I have had with this sort of thing and all of my friends agree it was weird.

 

See, the above is rude. To ask if a younger sibling can join is not rude. ;)

 

As for the above--I have no words. While asking if a 4 yo can join could quite likely be done out of respect to the 4 yo who is close to the 8yo, dropping off a 4 and a 2 yo at a party with people you barely know is borderline abusive towards those children.

 

It is one thing to bend social rules when you think it will benefit your kids (as in asking whether certain arrangements might be okay), and it is quite another thing to neglect one's children and claim "family policy." Seriously? :cursing:

 

 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

"Not this time, Junior has plans to play a game that is too old for 4yos, and I'm going to be busy doing xyz."

 

 

This, or, "Oh, Little Billy was really looking forward to some one-on-one time with his friend. Maybe another time though!" Or, "I'm sorry, our house really isn't set up for little guys anymore. Maybe next time I can drop Little Billy off at your house for a playdate instead." 

[SKL]

This thread is a reminder to teach my children about gracefully saying "no" and accepting "no" as an answer.

[Catwoman]

Brr, it's a cold enough world without people taking offense at a suggestion to get together for a chat with a friend.

I never said you couldn't suggest getting together with a friend. But if you're the one doing the "suggesting," it seems odd that you'd be inviting yourself over to your friend's house instead of inviting her to your home, or to meet you at a coffee shop.

[Soror]

I could see the mom doing this for 3 different reasons (1) rude- looking for free babysitting, (2) worried about 4yo missing sibling and (3) mom has some sort of family rule about siblings always being together (seems unlikely since they are public schoolers, which pretty much makes this impossible). 

 

I would say that we've always done things as a family as well but as my kids get older they are wanting that time just to themselves and their friends, my 9yo is especially at this age. They see each other all the time, it is good to let them have their own identity, we have plenty of time to build relationships without forcing it 24/7, I just think that breeds resentment when taken too far.

 

[bettyandbob]

Who would say this? There are other, perfectly polite responses to, "Hey, do you mind if my four-year-old comes along too?" 

 

"Yes, I mind." Should be OK, but it is not. It is just awkward. No one wants to say anything negative about another person's child, but the situation OP described puts a person on the spot. If she says "No, you cannot leave the 4yo" it does come off as being negative about the 4yo.

 

It's not nice to put people on the spot.

 

The invitation was for the 8yo.

 

Watching the average 4yo requires a lot more attention. A lot more. The OP has not suggested that she knows anything about whether this child is high or low maintenance. Having the 4yo dropped off completely changes the dynamic of the afternoon two 8yos can have and how the OP could spend her time.

 

If the family is a package deal, the mom should say that up front. Otherwise, she should honor the invitation. If she needs babysitting, she should be direct about that too.

[SKL]

I didn't say you couldn't suggest getting together with a friend. :rolleyes: But if you're the one doing the "suggesting," it seems odd that you'd be inviting yourself over to your friend's house instead of inviting her to your home, or to meet you at a coffee shop.

 

It depends on the circumstances.  Some people's circumstances are such that their house is the best place for a get-together.  Sometimes not.  It would of course be a mutual decision.  I know how to talk to my friends so that they do not feel pressured to accommodate when they don't want to.

[Joker]

You invite yourself over to other people's houses? :confused:

 

I can understand inviting a friend to your house, but I don't think it's polite to invite yourself to their house.

 

I mean, if it works for you and your friends, that's fine, but it wouldn't call it universally acceptable to do that, and it's certainly not at all common among the people I know. We wait for invitations.

 

 

It is not a big deal at all in my circle of friends to call one another up and say, "I'm going to be near your neighborhood tomorrow. I could stop by and we could hang out." It happens quite often and I've never thought it was odd or impolite. I've lived in several different states and had several different circle of friends and it's never been a problem.

 

[SKL]

 (3) mom has some sort of family rule about siblings always being together (seems unlikely since they are public schoolers, which pretty much makes this impossible). 

 

 

Honestly, this is what came to my mind.  I agree it may be unlikely, given the age difference.  But for me, I prefer not to send one child alone behind closed doors with someone I don't know well, for safety reasons.  I like my kids to stick together.  Granted, mine happen to be the same age, but if they were not, I would still feel better with them together in many situations.

 

The public school thing is different because even if they are in different classes, they are generally not alone in a room with someone I don't really know.

 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

"Yes, I mind." Should be OK, but it is not. It is just awkward. No one wants to say anything negative about another person's child, but the situation OP described puts a person on the spot. If she says "No, you cannot leave the 4yo" it does come off as being negative about the 4yo.

 

It's not nice to put people on the spot.

 

The invitation was for the 8yo.

 

Watching the average 4yo requires a lot more attention. A lot more. The OP has not suggested that she knows anything about whether this child is high or low maintenance. Having the 4yo dropped off completely changes the dynamic of the afternoon two 8yos can have and how the OP could spend her time.

 

If the family is a package deal, the mom should say that up front. Otherwise, she should honor the invitation. If she needs babysitting, she should be direct about that too.

 

But it doesn't have to be said that way. Do you always reply to every question in the most negative or blunt way possible? I doubt it. 

 

Also, again, most people are assuming this mom was thinking, "Mwaahhhahaa, let's see who can I pawn my four-year-old off on today!" We're so quick to assume negative intent. I just really think that navigating the world of parenting and friendships and such is difficult enough without putting all of this negative assumption onto it too. Why would we rush to judgment instead of giving some grace instead? 

 

I don't see feeling put on the spot. If the answer is no, I'm just going to say no and not feel bad about it. I would, however, probably think to myself, "Boy, I don't miss those days!" 

[Catwoman]

It is not a big deal at all in my circle of friends to call one another up and say, "I'm going to be near your neighborhood tomorrow. I could stop by and we could hang out." It happens quite often and I've never thought it was odd or impolite. I've lived in several different states and had several different circle of friends and it's never been a problem.

We would do it differently. As an example, I would say I was going to be in the area, and ask my friend if she had time to get together. If she said yes, I would ask her where she would like to meet (and if I was familiar with the area, I would suggest a local restaurant or coffee shop.) That would give her the opportunity to invite me to her home, or choose a different meeting spot.

 

Honestly, though, we don't really visit back and forth between houses. Even if I'm meeting a neighbor for coffee or a quick lunch, we go out.

[Upward Journey]

"Not this time, Junior has plans to play a game that is too old for 4yos, and I'm going to be busy doing xyz."

 

 

 

This, or, "Oh, Little Billy was really looking forward to some one-on-one time with his friend. Maybe another time though!" Or, "I'm sorry, our house really isn't set up for little guys anymore. Maybe next time I can drop Little Billy off at your house for a playdate instead."

The problem with both of these answers is that it gives the impression that you're willing to entertain the idea, when you may not actually be, thus risking them asking again the next time. Might as well give a straight up no the first time you're asked.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

 

 

 

The problem with both of these answers is that it gives the impression that you're willing to entertain the idea, when you may not actually be, thus risking them asking again the next time. Might as well give a straight up no the first time you're asked.

 

OK, but that's neither here nor there. If that's the answer I choose to give to cushion the "No," then I'm prepared to take on the responsibility of dealing with it later. Who knows, maybe next time I won't mind. Or maybe next time I'll make sure the playdate does happen at her house. Or maybe next time I'll feel like saying, "You know, I just don't think it will work. I usually plan a project for while the kids are playing, and I don't think I can take good care of Little Bobby while I'm working on something else. Sorry!" It doesn't change my opinion on whether or not the mom was out of line to even ask. I'm responsible for my own emotions, and I don't choose to make guilt over this one of them. If the other mom is cool with the no, then that's great. If she's miffed, then she can own it. But I don't expect the world to tiptoe around my potential emotions over something so minimal. I just think it's bizarre to basically say, "I'm offended over you putting me in a position where I might have to offend you, even though you might not even be offended, and I might not even say no to the question you're asking."

 

Now, you want to drop your two-year-old off with a diaper bag and hightail it out of my party, you would be getting a hot earful and no second chance from me. I'll go ahead and own that too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You invite yourself over to other people's houses? :confused:

 

I can understand inviting a friend to your house, but I don't think it's polite to invite yourself to their house.

 

I mean, if it works for you and your friends, that's fine, but it wouldn't call it universally acceptable to do that, and it's certainly not at all common among the people I know. We wait for invitations.

Yep, my friends and I invite ourselves over to each other's houses all the time.  We're relaxed.  If it won't work out, we come out and say so.  

[indigomama]

You invite yourself over to other people's houses? :confused:

 

I can understand inviting a friend to your house, but I don't think it's polite to invite yourself to their house.

 

I mean, if it works for you and your friends, that's fine, but it wouldn't call it universally acceptable to do that, and it's certainly not at all common among the people I know. We wait for invitations.

 

 

I think it might be regional. I grew up on the West Coast, and yes my friends would just drop by or call and say "hey, you got anything going on, mind if I come over and we can hang out."  Very very common and the norm where I grew up, with most everyone I knew.  And as a kid/teen, my mom's friends did this too. We had/ have very casual friendships.

 

In the OPs situation, I think it's ok to ask, but to be prepared for a "no" response. And I think it's ok for the OP to feel perfectly fine saying no.

[Mommy22alyns]

It honestly sounds to me like she's trying  to get free babysitting.  

[skimomma]

Arrangements between adult friends is very different from asking if you can send a 4yo along with an 8yo to a playdate where the parents are not friends/family.   

 

In my circle of friends, it is fine to stop by each other's houses or ask to watch each other's kids.  It is fine to ask for a younger sibling to tag along and it is OK to say no.  It is even fine to invite yourself over for dinner.

 

However, when I step outside of my circle, traditional etiquette applies.  I do not invite myself or my kid to someone's house/party/boat/vacation.  I can say "let's get the kids together" to open a conversation.  I can invite their kid(s) to my house/party/boat/etc....  I can even suggest a regular play date where we take turns hosting.  But I should not say "Hey, can my kid come over all day tomorrow to play?"  Well, I can, but I don't because it is rude.  But at least in that case, a simple "no, we are busy" will shut the conversation down if they do not want to host.  The OP's situation is more awkward because she has no "out."  She is clearly not "busy" because one kid is coming already.  She can say "no" or "my house is not 4yo-friendly" or another response, but they are all more awkward and the asker has made it awkward.  Hence, etiquette rules.  To avoid that.

[marbel]

I guess maybe I'm weird, because I've done free babysitting many times for friends / relatives.  I stopped charging for babysitting when I was 20.  I rather like having little kids around.  If there is a reason I don't want to do it, I say no.

 

I don't see how that has any relevance.  Sure, I babysit for free when a friends needs me to babysit, and when I can.  We're talking about a playdate between 2 8-year-olds. 

[rebbyribs]

I wouldn't find it at all odd because I have two 4 year olds.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Arrangements between adult friends is very different from asking if you can send a 4yo along with an 8yo to a playdate where the parents are not friends/family.   

 

In my circle of friends, it is fine to stop by each other's houses or ask to watch each other's kids.  It is fine to ask for a younger sibling to tag along and it is OK to say no.  It is even fine to invite yourself over for dinner.

 

However, when I step outside of my circle, traditional etiquette applies.  I do not invite myself or my kid to someone's house/party/boat/vacation.  I can say "let's get the kids together" to open a conversation.  I can invite their kid(s) to my house/party/boat/etc....  I can even suggest a regular play date where we take turns hosting.  But I should not say "Hey, can my kid come over all day tomorrow to play?"  Well, I can, but I don't because it is rude.  But at least in that case, a simple "no, we are busy" will shut the conversation down if they do not want to host.  The OP's situation is more awkward because she has no "out."  She is clearly not "busy" because one kid is coming already.  She can say "no" or "my house is not 4yo-friendly" or another response, but they are all more awkward and the asker has made it awkward.  Hence, etiquette rules.  To avoid that.

 

OK then. But frankly, I think a lot of the etiquette rules are hooey, and that common sense and kindness go much further. Oh well. Feel free to ask me if your kid can join the playdate. Just don't be surprised if I say no. 

[marbel]

Honestly, this is what came to my mind.  I agree it may be unlikely, given the age difference.  But for me, I prefer not to send one child alone behind closed doors with someone I don't know well, for safety reasons.  I like my kids to stick together.  Granted, mine happen to be the same age, but if they were not, I would still feel better with them together in many situations.

 

The public school thing is different because even if they are in different classes, they are generally not alone in a room with someone I don't really know.

 

 

I don't disagree with you but in that case I wouldn't accept an invitation for my kid(s) to go to someone else's house unless I was invited too.  If I would be uncomfortable for one kid to do, there's no reason for me to be OK with two kids going!  When my kids were younger and moms didn't know each other well, we'd do the "package deal" playdate.    And even after we were comfortable, sometimes we'd still have the whole kit and caboodle over, and sometimes just one particular friend would come.

 

[Desert Strawberry]

I don't think the age of the child or the schooling choices of the parents matter. If I invite you over to dinner, I'm going to think it's weird if you ask if you can come to lunch too. :)

 

I don't think this is a fair comparison. If I were asked to dinner, I might ask if my husband, child , or date was welcome to join us. The answer may be no, and that might effect my decision. I don't think that is weird.

[Impish]

I think it's rude.

 

Invitations aren't to be amended by the invitee, especially to include others. I can understand, "I'm sorry, that date doesn't work..." and suggesting another. That's ok. But to want to add another person in, especially given the age disparity? Nope. Rude, imo.

 

Tazzie and Princess are 19 mths (and 7 days!) apart. One will get invited somewhere. I have *never* asked if the other could tag along, and would *never* declined an invite on that basis. The kids, despite being close in age, aren't joined at the hip, and both need and deserve time w/out the other.

 

I've never honestly understood the 'package deal' when it comes to siblings.

[Laurie4b]

The boys wanting to get together are 8 and I have no one younger than 8. I've not spent more than 6 hours in this mom's presence. 

 

It sounds like you're not comfortable with that, so I don't think it actually matters whether or not it's odd. I think it's fine to say, "I'm not comfortable with that."

[zoobie]

I don't think this is a fair comparison. If I were asked to dinner, I might ask if my husband, child , or date was welcome to join us. The answer may be no, and that might effect my decision. I don't think that is weird.

 

It's the same over-extension of an invitation. I know you're married and have kids. If I'm putting together a MNO, no, I don't want your kids or husband. If I'm having a family dinner party, then I'll invite your family. 

 

If I, as the invitee, am not sure what the invitation is for, I can clarify by saying something like, "I'd love to have dinner, but I don't have childcare that evening." The host can then say, "Oh, I'm sorry! We will miss you!" or "Oh, I meant the whole gang! Come on over!" With close friends and family, it would probably be, "Is this a girls' night or what?"