If you asked a mom if one of her children. . .

[4everHis]

could come over to play with your child, would you think it odd if she asked if 4 year old sibling could come too? This would be at my house and mom is not planning on being there.

[Wilma]

Probably a little weird. How old are the original kids who we're getting together?

 

My oldest girl (8) is super reserved and quiet, but it's a ton easier for her in social situations when her sister (7) is there, too. Maybe it's a situation like that?

 

Or maybe she's hoping for free babysitting...

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't see that as odd esp. if it is with your 7 year old.  I would find it odd if it was with your teenagers.   The 4 year old probably asked and she said that she'd check it out.  

[Desert Strawberry]

Not weird, but if I didn't have a matching 4yo, I would feel comfortable declining. "No, I would like the older girls to have some time just to themselves."

[JustEm]

yes its odd 

[gardenmom5]

if it was more of an acquaintance and the kids were the friends, yes, I would find it odd.

 

if we were good friends and it was a back and forth type deal where the group of siblings play with each other at each other's houses, I wouldn't have a problem.  I had several of those with my older kids.

 

I had one mom who would call and ask if her kid/s could come over.  she was regularly late to pick them up, and  she was basically looking for free babysitting and never reciprocated. I simply started saying "no", and haven't heard from her since.

[Mimm]

I have two girls choose in age and I've asked. My oldest is really outgoing and friendly and my 11 year old more quiet and reserved. She's been left out of invitations before and it really hurt her feelings. But they are 18 months apart.

[4everHis]

The boys wanting to get together are 8 and I have no one younger than 8. I've not spent more than 6 hours in this mom's presence. 

 

[gardenmom5]

The boys wanting to get together are 8 and I have no one younger than 8. I've not spent more than 6 hours in this mom's presence. 

 

I've found just because kids are different ages doesn't mean they can't have fun.  a lot really depends upon what they plan on doing. however, if you aren't comfortable, just say "maybe next time" to the younger sibling.  (like when the weather is good and they'll be outside.)

 

if she's sincere about supporting a friendship, (and *not* just looking for a free babysitter) she shouldn't hold it against you.

[Guest submarines]

Not odd. DS9 and DD5 are very close, and they've been on playdates when two 8 yo olds and DD at 4 yo played really well together. I don't get why it is odd to ask.

 

I think it is odd to drop off a child to a playdate when you don't know the parents well, though.

[Audrey]

I wouldn't find it odd.  Younger sibs often like to tag along because they, too, want to play.  It may be that the older sibling you invited is a regular playmate to his/her sibling and it wouldn't bother the older one.  I don't know.... I'm just guessing out loud.  At any rate, I'd say yes, if for no other reason than that I don't want to squash a little kid's hopes for a play date.  It might even be an excuse for me to get out the crayons and colouring books and have someone to colour with instead of sitting there by my grown up self colouring alone. :blush:

[zoobie]

Neighbor? Good friend? Not weird. Random friend of the 7 year old? I'd think she wanted free babysitting.

[DianeW88]

I think it's rude, since the younger child wasn't invited, and there is a four year age difference in kids.  It's not fair to your 8 year old who probably wants to play one on one with his friend to have a four year old tagging along.  That's going to limit their play.  I would have said no.

[bettyandbob]

Mom is not planning on staying? It sounds like she just asked for free babysitting. Maybe it's not odd, but I think it's a little rude. There are developmental differences between 4 and 8 year olds and the activities your 8 year old wanted to pursue with his friend may not be appropriate or accessible for a 4 year old. 

 

If another mom did this to me, I would feel awkward refusing and then I'd feel taken advantage of. In most circumstances you can just let 8 year olds play, but a 4 year old requires supervision. 

 

If the 4 year old feels left out, it is the 4 year old's mother's responsibility to entertain the 4 year old away from your home. 

[MomOfOneFunOne]

could come over to play with your child, would you think it odd if she asked if 4 year old sibling could come too? This would be at my house and mom is not planning on being there.

AMDG

 

Well, trying to put the most positive spin on it, maybe she's thinking that if they can both go, she can finally get the toys decluttered! Could it be something along those lines?

[4everHis]

I guess it would just never cross my mind to invite one of my kids to someone else's house. I have friends/family that I might ask to watch my kids of varying ages but if someone specifically asked for one of dc to come over. . . I can't imagine asking if they'd take another too, esp. a younger one. Obviously there is varied thought on this and I am now considering what to do. There are just sometimes I wonder if I'm totally out of the 'loop.' Thank you for all your responses.

[4everHis]

Mom is not planning on staying? It sounds like she just asked for free babysitting. Maybe it's not odd, but I think it's a little rude. There are developmental differences between 4 and 8 year olds and the activities your 8 year old wanted to pursue with his friend may not be appropriate or accessible for a 4 year old. 

 

If another mom did this to me, I would feel awkward refusing and then I'd feel taken advantage of. In most circumstances you can just let 8 year olds play, but a 4 year old requires supervision. 

 

If the 4 year old feels left out, it is the 4 year old's mother's responsibility to entertain the 4 year old away from your home. 

I guess these were my initial thoughts. And no, mom is not planning on staying and kids would be here until their dad could pick them up. 

[SKL]

OK, I have a question.  So what if she is looking for free babysitting?  Do neighbors not help neighbors out any more?  You can always say no if it would pose a problem.

 

It used to be the norm for kids of all ages to tag along and play together during free time.  I don't see anything wrong with it.

[SKL]

Actually I think it's kind of weird that you have to ask if your kid can play with his friend.  Why can't the kids go knock on each other's door if they want to play?  Or do you live too far to walk?

[lea_lpz]

I've always had my ds, 4, invited to go over for play dates between dd, 6, and other kids. We want to encourage them to have strong bonds. I'd be ok with her going to play without him occasionally but I guess I tend to see most things in terms of us as a "homeschool" family where we try to do things as such. So we generally participate to the extent as possible in activities both children can participate in. And so the consequence is their friends are meeting them together as siblings. And my dd's friends who are about her age tend to enjoy playing with my ds. Many of them also come from bigger families so I think they are used to being in groups of varied aged children. A lot if families I I know think in these terms so in the homeschool community I would say its pretty common. Well at least the ones I know.

[4everHis]

Actually I think it's kind of weird that you have to ask if your kid can play with his friend.  Why can't the kids go knock on each other's door if they want to play?  Or do you live too far to walk?

We actually live about 30 miles from each other. Country miles so not like same town. And these two boys go to p.s. everyday so it's not as if she has them home every day and needs them out of the house so she can clean house.

[LMV]

could come over to play with your child, would you think it odd if she asked if 4 year old sibling could come too? This would be at my house and mom is not planning on being there.

 

Personally, I would never try to alter the play date so if DFD9 is invited somewhere I wouldn't attempt to convince someone to include DFD5 and or DD4 in the invitation. Even if it was DD4, or DFD5, singularly, I would not ask if the other could come.  DD4 and DFD5 are a little more than eighteen months apart but we're fine with them having their own friendships as long as they aren't unkind to each other about this.  We also expect that everyone will be treated with respect and kindness in our home so if one of them has a friend come to our house to play and the friend is unkind to one of their siblings then it will be awhile before that friend is allowed to play at our house again.  Having said that, I suppose I wouldn't find it completely odd (which isn't the same as saying I think it is appropriate) because there are a few families we know who expect this arrangement.  One family in particular has a quite nice nine year old daughter who is friends with DFD9 but they also have another daughter who is twelve and three sons who are six, eight, and eleven.   We usually only invite this particular friend if we're already planning a bit of party anyway ideally with lots of outdoor activities.

[marbel]

I've always had my ds, 4, invited to go over for play dates between dd, 6, and other kids. We want to encourage them to have strong bonds. I'd be ok with her going to play without him occasionally but I guess I tend to see most things in terms of us as a "homeschool" family where we try to do things as such. So we generally participate to the extent as possible in activities both children can participate in. And so the consequence is their friends are meeting them together as siblings. And my dd's friends who are about her age tend to enjoy playing with my ds. Many of them also come from bigger families so I think they are used to being in groups of varied aged children. A lot if families I I know think in these terms so in the homeschool community I would say its pretty common. Well at least the ones I know.

 

My kids are close in age and very close, and we are also a homeschool family, but sometimes kids want to be with their own friends.  It's great for kids to play all together regardless of ages sometimes, and it's also nice sometimes to let the older kids play with their own age group.  

 

I think you are correct that a lot of homeschool families think and operate this way.  And it drives me crazy sometimes.  Some kids are at a different developmental stage than others.  There should be a mix of independence and togetherness.

 

Going back to the OP - I would assume the mom is looking for free babysitting.  She should invite your kids over to play with both her kids - and for you to stay and have coffee and get to know her better - sometime to see how that goes and not burden you with an extra, uninvited child when she barely knows you.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I don't think it's weird at all. My kids are 3-4 years apart, and they still hang with the same crowd generally, and have since we started HSing. I could see someone asking because a little one felt left out, or just to see if it would work out. Now, if she was rude or pushy about it, I would think THAT was weird. But just asking? No, wouldn't faze me at all, nor would it bother me to say that my 8-year-old was hoping for some one-on-one time with his friend. 

[zoobie]

OK, I have a question. So what if she is looking for free babysitting? Do neighbors not help neighbors out any more? You can always say no if it would pose a problem.

 

It used to be the norm for kids of all ages to tag along and play together during free time. I don't see anything wrong with it.

Then ask to swap babysitting. Be upfront about it, and don't pretend the older kids want the 4 year old tagging along.

[Guest submarines]

I don't think it's weird at all. My kids are 3-4 years apart, and they still hang with the same crowd generally, and have since we started HSing. I could see someone asking because a little one felt left out, or just to see if it would work out. Now, if she was rude or pushy about it, I would think THAT was weird. But just asking? No, wouldn't faze me at all, nor would it bother me to say that my 8-year-old was hoping for some one-on-one time with his friend. 

 

:iagree: This. Asking is not a problem. Telling her that this wouldn't work out is not a problem either.

[catz]

I don't know. It would depend on relationship to the family and how the invitation was extended to me. If you regularly got together with the mom and were close, I probably wouldn't think it was a big deal. Especially if mom was coming to hang out too. A school friend where I didn't know the mom so well? Meh - kind of weird. Especially with a 4 year old. 4 year olds are still pretty little and you do need to keep a closer eye out for them. Some are fairly high maintenance yet needing help with the bathroom, etc. If this was like 2 8+ kids of the same gender within 2 years of each other, it would seem like no big deal.

 

I guess my kids are pushing 4 years apart, and I encourage them to engage with each other and they do all the time. But they also definitely have their own friends. When my ds was 8, no I wouldn't have asked to include my dd at 4.

 

I'm agreeing with free babysitting angle. I have no problem with moms helping each other out, but call a spade a spade if you're going to ask.

[lea_lpz]

My kids are close in age and very close, and we are also a homeschool family, but sometimes kids want to be with their own friends. It's great for kids to play all together regardless of ages sometimes, and it's also nice sometimes to let the older kids play with their own age group.

 

I think you are correct that a lot of homeschool families think and operate this way. And it drives me crazy sometimes. Some kids are at a different developmental stage than others. There should be a mix of independence and togetherness.

.

I don't disagree with this and I stated I would be open to her having go to someone's house without her brother and she does have activities where she gets to spend time with kids her age and so does he, but in general I like the cohesiveness of families in the homeschooling community and that I see most kids being more used to naturally playing multi-age play groups. My kids do for example take a horse riding lesson together,and they both do AWANA, but are in their own classes for AWANA and I am leader in AHG so that's something we do one on one while ds goes to the daycare provided for leaders and plays with the preschool crowd and other brothers. It makes it more doable for me if when we do we do outside activities both my kids can participate at the same time. But I don't dissuade them from doing things individually. For example when we do a weekly park day I encourage my dd to play with other girls her age and ds to find other preschoolers to play with but often they still end up playing together.

 

I just don't think it's unusual for play dates to involve some of the time a sibling set. I would not personally exclude a sibling close in age from being invited to play too, but then I have only done play dates at this point where I accompany my kids so it would make sense they'd both go and vice a versa. Other than brief popping in and out of each others homes with neighborhood kids, my dd hasn't gone to a friends on her own or had someone come over to our home, so I can see her later on having situations where she would go play without her brother. I wouldn't expect my 4 year old to be invited to play without me accompanying him to play at one of fd's friends who was a bit older than her (8 or 9) if the mother didn't have a preschool age child of her own. But at the same time my preference would be for situations were they could both have playmates in a family :). My dd does have quite a few friends who are 8 or just turned 9 from AHG, riding, AWANA and our hs group but it's been our experience we've been invited to get together as a family, where mom visits and the kids all play together.

[IsabelC]

Depends on how well you and your kids know her kids. If the 4yo is also a friend of your kids, or if the mom is a friend of your family and you know them all well, that's fine. If you only know them through your kid's friendship with their older kid, it's weird (or she just wants free babysitting).

[foxbridgeacademy]

She probably doesn't want the 4 year old to be left out.  I would tell her "my house isn't really set up for a 4 year old and I think I'll have my hands full with the 8 year olds.  How about when the weather is nicer we meet at local park for a play date?"  It would all be true if not the WHOLE truth.  

[trinchick]

I think it's strange to drop a 4yo off for a playdate with or without an older sibling. When dd was that age all playdates (in our home and at others) involved a parent sticking around.  DD 9 is often invited to friends' houses and DS3 begs to tag along. I always tell him no. Of course he's disappointed but that's just the way it goes. He is not of an appropriate age to go, and I think it would be unfair to Dd and her friends to allow him to tag along.

[OneStepAtATime]

For me, this would hinge quite significantly on how well I knew her.  Since you don't know her that well, and apparently this has not been done before, I see it as odd and a bit rude, but I guess everyone has a different comfort level.  She probably didn't mean to come off that way, and the younger one may very well be begging to go and gets along well with the sibling.  

 

However, I would not  allow my 4 year old child to go over to a virtual strangers house and hang out for an extended period without me in the first place, even if they HAD been invited.  I would want to know the person and practices within the home much better first.  (There was a really nice family whose kids went to the same school as mine.  We were getting to know them a bit better but had not spent much time with them at their house.  I allowed my older to go hang out for a couple of hours at their house and found out they were watching a Rated R movie with parental permission.  They never asked me if it was o.k.  My DD was 8.  Never again.)  

 

Also, just suddenly asking if she can drop off the younger one, too, seems more like she needs a babysitter.  If you were closer, and knew each other better, I could see this question being asked quite easily.  My friends and I do it all the time.  Age differences between kids isn't that big an issue, either.  My DS (9) loves when younger ones come over.  He also loves babysitting and has been babysitting with my supervision since he was 7.  But my friends and I know each other and feel comfortable asking and feel comfortable with the environment our children will be in without us.  

 

Now if there was someone I did not know all that well and we had arranged a play date for our older kids, then she found out she had an emergency or a scheduling issue and the only way for the play date to occur was if the younger child came too, if she explained that to me then I don't think I would consider it rude or terribly odd.  I think I would understand.  But just inviting your younger child to be dropped off, too, when you don't really know someone terribly well would make me uncomfortable and a bit like I was being taken advantage of.  I guess I would probably allow it the first time, and if all three got along really well, then great.  I would still be concerned, though, that her comfort level for what she does with her 4 year old would be different from mine and so her parenting style in general might not be that compatible with mine.  I would be a bit leery, I guess.  I would hope, though, that she would also reciprocate play dates at her house (although I have a couple of friends that don't, but the friendship between my kids and theirs is worth the sort of onesidedness of it all).

[FaithManor]

I she has only been around you for six hours as you stated in a follow up post, I would think it odd that she is comfortable leaving her young children with you since she doesn't know you well. I think that is more odd than anything. As for the other issue, we had the policy that it is good for siblings to have downtime from one another so never would have asked for a sibling to join in when the invitation was not initially extended to the other child. But, I do think that in many families tag along is considered completely acceptable and that's fine too. You can just simply decline. 

[Ivey]

I might have done this type of thing with my boys who are 18 months apart (I honestly can't remember if I ever did), but I think the age gap in this situation makes it a little weird. What does your son think? Is he the type of kid who would have his whole day ruined by having to include the 4yo, or is he the "more the merrier" type? If you have time to supervise all three boys, I'd let your son make the call. 

[SKL]

One thing I don't understand is the "she has only spent 6 hours with me before" concern.  To me, 6 hours sounds like enough time to size up another mom.  I mean, it's another mom after all, who is presumably safe with her own kids.  And the children involved are presumably capable of speaking up if something scary happens.

 

Anyhoo, please feel free to say no if you want to.

[Catwoman]

The boys wanting to get together are 8 and I have no one younger than 8. I've not spent more than 6 hours in this mom's presence.

 

In that case, I would find it both odd and rude.

 

I agree with everyone who has suggested that she's looking for a free babysitter.

 

Personally, I would decline.

[Melissa in Australia]

I would not find it odd at all. the mother asked. if the boy turned up with his little sibling without asking I might find that odd.

 

The neighboring boy(8) comes over every second weekend. About 1/4 of the time he brings his 2 year old sister. Occasionally the 2 year old will start wondering over by herself if she thinks her brother is here. it doesn't bother us.

[bettyandbob]

It is not rude if she needs (not wants) babysitting and ASKS. "Hey, I've been waiting a while for this dental appointment and the office just called to say they can get me in Tues afternoon. Can you watch Joey(4 year old) while James is at your house to play with Sam?" Do not hide what you are asking for.

 

I prefer people be honest. Watching a 4 year old could really change what I planned to around the house during the play date. It is work. I would not like the 4 year old added in as if it's no big deal when it is for someone who hasn't had a 4 year old in a long time.

 

There's a difference between an honest request and taking advantage of someone.

[TravelingChris]

First of all, I agree with SKL that six hours contact sounds long enough to assess whether a mom could temporarily look after a four year old.  I also think that it isn't so odd.  However, whether I would say yes depended on the situation.  Since we are a homeschooling family and have been for twenty years, my kids were always used to playing with different aged children and whether I would have allowed a four year old to come would depend on what activities the eight year old was planning.  Legos- okay.  Risk game playing- probably not.  That kind of assessment.  But B+M school culture here in the US seems to be don't play with others younger or older so in that respect, since the 8 year olds go to school, I do think it is more likely they wouldn't play with the four year old.   Just what I have observed over the years. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

If she were to upfront say, "It would really help me out if you could take my 4 year old as well so I can do xyz" I would probably do it, assuming everyone plays pretty nicely together.  But in general, I would find it odd since you don't have a 3-5 year old to match the sibling. 

 

For my friendship gorup, it's sort of a case-by-case basis.  Most of my friends have two kids around the ages of my two oldest, and so most play dates are for the four kids (my 2 plus the other family) to get together.  I would never assume I could drop my 2yo off as well!  I have OCCASIONALLY asked good friends to take my 2yo as well if I needed to run an errand or something, and these are the same friends who would call me if they needed a last-minute sitter for something. 

 

I assume there is some unspoken rule that- the younger the child- the less often you can ask a babysitting favor, and the shorter duration you can be gone.  :-)  I could easily leave my two oldest for an afternoon or even a short day at the home of someone with similar aged children (with the understanding of reciprocation), but my two year old I would only leave with a friend for an hour or so, unless I was paying for the sitting, since in most cases, I can't reciprocate for the care needed for a smaller child (mine is the youngest in friend group). 

[SKL]

I didn't see any indication by the OP that the request was in some way dishonest.

[SKL]

All four years olds are not created equal.  The OP would know best whether this child was going to be too high maintenance or disruptive.

 

My kids at 4yo would have been able to sit quietly with their own book/toy or lie down or stare at the TV if the older kids didn't choose to include them in their activities.

[FriedClams]

In my world, 8 is a play date, any kid under about 6 or 7 is babysitting, even with an older sibling. To me that changes the dynamic from kids playing and me having to watch a little one. Two different things for me.

[Kathryn]

Not just odd--rude. My boys are 8 and 4. They play together all day long. But when the 8yo gets together with a friend, he doesn't want to be with his brother. They're not conjoined twins and I don't understand why some homeschoolers seem to feel that siblings should always come as a package deal. Just because they CAN play nicely with different ages doesn't mean they always want to. I like to have a break from DH sometimes and I chose him. I don't think it's fair to say that my child is required to spend every waking moment with his little brother.

 

In the situation described, I'd feel that she was trying to take advantage of me for some free babysitting. If she said, "hey, it would really help me out if you could watch my 4yo while his brother is there so I could do x," I'd feel a little better about the situation.

[mytwomonkeys]

Yes. I find it odd. Not an ideal playdate at all for me. I like to work on projects a lot & with a four year old here, I'd feel more obligated to babysit.

[momto10blessings]

The boys wanting to get together are 8 and I have no one younger than 8. I've not spent more than 6 hours in this mom's presence.

Yes. Completely weird. What did you tell her?

[skimomma]

Weird.  

 

Two 8 yos is a "play date" where my kid is occupied and I can get something done.  Two 8 yos AND a 4 yo is me babysitting.  

 

I am cool with babysitting if asked outright as a favor and I think 6 hours is plenty of time to deem someone worthy of sitting.  But to pass it off as a package-deal-play-date is not cool with me.

 

I have dealt with a family that had a "package deal" rule in their family for playing and birthday parties.  Imagine my surprise the first time when dd's friend got dropped off with her 4 yo sister and 2 yo brother to dd's 8th birthday party.  I was alone with 10 8-ish yos in my unfenced yard on a busy street PLUS these two little kids.  I was so flabbergasted when the mom said that it is her family's "policy" that if one kid goes to a party (or play date, I later learned) they ALL go that I could not even formulate a response.  She had driven away before I realized what I gotten myself into.  She left the 2 yo's diaper bag!  I was so MAD!  I spent most of the party trying to keep these two littles out of the road. The 4 yo tried to run away then had a potty accident.  We had to cancel some of the activities because I could not manage to run them while taking care of the littles.  All of this AFTER we had not invited some of dd's friend's siblings who are closer in age and friends with dd because I felt 10 8 yos was the most I could supervise on my own.  This happened again (i know, I am dumb) a few months later when dd invited the girl over for an afternoon of playing.  Ironically, the girl was adamant about not including her siblings in their play.  When mom dropped them off (again, I had no idea she was going to leave all three until she got here), I told her I was not comfortable keeping all three, she stated her family "policy" again and was prepared to tell her now-teary 8 and 4 yos that the date was off.  I relented and let them all stay.  Needless to say, dd is no longer allowed to invite this particular girl over.  And I told her why.

 

That is the only experience I have had with this sort of thing and all of my friends agree it was weird.

[SKL]

To be fair, the OP has asked this mom to pack up her kids for a half-hour drive (each way) so her kid can have someone to play with.  Having to take the 4yo out and drive at least an hour, is it so strange that the mom might have decided to see if she could kill two birds with one stone?  And if the OP was the one driving her 8yo to the play date, the 4yo would be part of the package.

 

In my view, the mom of the visiting kid is doing the hosts a favor by doing an hour of driving when she could be doing something else.  I think that mitigates the awkwardness of her asking if the 4yo can visit too.  The OP can always say no.

[Kathryn]

To be fair, the OP has asked this mom to pack up her kids for a half-hour drive (each way) so her kid can have someone to play with. Having to take the 4yo out and drive at least an hour, is it so strange that the mom might have decided to see if she could kill two birds with one stone? And if the OP was the one driving her 8yo to the play date, the 4yo would be part of the package.

 

In my view, the mom of the visiting kid is doing the hosts a favor by doing an hour of driving when she could be doing something else. I think that mitigates the awkwardness of her asking if the 4yo can visit too. The OP can always say no.

Um, no. To be fair, the woman can say no to the play date or she can ask her to babysit. The woman is not doing OP a "favor" by gracing her with her child's presence.

[4everHis]

To be fair, the OP has asked this mom to pack up her kids for a half-hour drive (each way) so her kid can have someone to play with.  Having to take the 4yo out and drive at least an hour, is it so strange that the mom might have decided to see if she could kill two birds with one stone?  And if the OP was the one driving her 8yo to the play date, the 4yo would be part of the package.

 

In my view, the mom of the visiting kid is doing the hosts a favor by doing an hour of driving when she could be doing something else.  I think that mitigates the awkwardness of her asking if the 4yo can visit too.  The OP can always say no.

And I didn't ask her to pack up her family and make the 30 min. trip. If I'm the one asking for the play date then I assume I'm responsible for the transportation.