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Insensitive friends


Tiramisu
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I'm just venting now because I feel so bad for dd. She just found out a girl who calls and texts her multiple times a day is having friends over her house today for her birthday and did not invite dd. They are sending pictures out, so that's how dd found out about it. Everyone has a right to invite who they want to, but it's so strange because this girl is in contact with her multiple times everyday and has been leaning on her so much for emotional support that dh and I have worried about the stress on dd. And now dd's left out.

 

Over the summer something similar happened. One of the daughters in a family that we are very close to had a birthday party. Dd and this daughter are also in touch all the time and frequently get together. All of the girls dd regularly hangs around with were invited to the party, but not dd. Dd heard about it since everyone was talking about it, and another daughter in the family told dd her sister didn't invite her because everyone likes dd and her sister was afraid everyone would want to be with dd and not her. The mom even called me to talk about some of the logistics of the party. Then she called again to explain that my dd wasn't invited and gave the same reason that her daughter did, that her dd thought everyone would gravitate to my dd and leave her dd out. My dd is a friendly, gentle type, and kids really do like her, but she's also rather quiet and not an attention seeker. I debated about making an issue of it but I thought if my friend (the mom) would allow this to happen, it's not worth talking about. Basically, besides being disappointed for dd, I was really disappointed in my friend.

 

Thank you for letting me vent.

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I would be upset too and for a grown woman to do what that mother did -- calling for help with the party, then calling with such a ridiculous reason for a non-invite?!?  wow what a peach she is.

 

She's something......but, peach isn't the word that keeps coming to mind. I feel so bad for your DD, Tiramisu.

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I would make sure your daughter knows this is really rude and awful behavior. She shouldn't be allowed to think her exclusion was justified in any way.

 

Yes, we've talked about it a lot, especially the incident over the summer. Today's party is new, and we will talk about it a lot and get dh involved in the discussion (nothing like Daddy;s manly input), especially in light of how this girl has been using dd for emotional support. She has shared her concerns with us over why the girl calls only to talk about herself, and she has been so worried about her emotional state and the things she's said. 

 

Dd is so sweet. She actually replied to a message someone from the party sent to her and apologized. She assumed she must have been the one who messed up and forgot about the party. So she went through her messages and calendar to check. But no invitation. :(

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I am sorry this happened. I had something similar happen to me as an adult. My friend was friends with a lady that I distanced from myself because she was a two faced gossip and I wanted out of her drama. My friend chose to be friends with this lady despite these traits. One day my friend went on a day trip with this lady and a few more friends. After she got back she called and told me what a wonderful time they had all had. She went on and on about every detail of the trip. It was really hurtful because I was not invited because my "friend" knew that I would not go if invited if this other lady was going. I was glad they had a good time if she wanted to invite this other lady instead of me that's fine but was irritated that she called to tell me all about it. A few months later my friend called and invited me to a huge inside garage sale. She later called to uninvite me because she was taking gossip lady with her. And gossip lady needed to go worse than I did.  So anyways rather than keep putting up with this I just distanced myself.

If I were your daughter I would probably try to find some new friends.I am sorry this happened. Even though you know the other person just has problems it is still hurtful. :grouphug:

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I would advise my child to back off of the friendship and simply not answer texts or calls very much, if at all. I'm sorry your daughter was excluded, that's really classless of that woman.

 

Yes. We're going to have to come up with a good way to handle it. We've already backed up a little from the other family.

 

She really needs a wider group of people to find friends. And that's why she'll probably be going to high school next year.

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I am sorry this happened. I had something similar happen to me as an adult. My friend was friends with a lady that I distanced from myself because she was a two faced gossip and I wanted out of her drama. My friend chose to be friends with this lady despite these traits. One day my friend went on a day trip with this lady and a few more friends. After she got back she called and told me what a wonderful time they had all had. She went on and on about every detail of the trip. It was really hurtful because I was not invited because my "friend" knew that I would not go if invited if this other lady was going. I was glad they had a good time if she wanted to invite this other lady instead of me that's fine but was irritated that she called to tell me all about it. A few months later my friend called and invited me to a huge inside garage sale. She later called to uninvite me because she was taking gossip lady with her. And gossip lady needed to go worse than I did.  So anyways rather than keep putting up with this I just distanced myself.

If I were your daughter I would probably try to find some new friends.I am sorry this happened. Even though you know the other person just has problems it is still hurtful. :grouphug:

 

Ewww, that's terrible. I had something similar happen not too long ago, when someone was poisoned against me because of what someone else said. It was an awkward and painful year, but over time, the reality of what had happened became clear for that person. 

 

Thanks for sharing this story. 

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I've never dealt with something like this. What would happen if your dd calmly and matter of factly told the friend how this made her feel and then said she wanted the friendship to end?

 

Would all the girls turn on your dd? I don't have daughters and had pretty much no friends as a teen so I just don't know how that would play out. It's what I'd be tempted to do.

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I've never dealt with something like this. What would happen if your dd calmly and matter of factly told the friend how this made her feel and then said she wanted the friendship to end?

 

Would all the girls turn on your dd? I don't have daughters and had pretty much no friends as a teen so I just don't know how that would play out. It's what I'd be tempted to do.

I like your suggestion. It would be good for the daughter to learn how to simply and honestly end toxic relationships and really, that's the consequence the other girl has earned and should learn to expect with her behavior.

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I am so sorry for your family, especially your DD, having to go through this!

 

Our next door neighbor's boys, who are friends with my son, are having a birthday party for one of their boys right this very minute.  The kids are all laughing and playing oustide.  It is impossible to avoid.  But DS is not invited.  I assume it is because two of the other neighbor boys that are friends with their boys no longer like hanging around with DS because he is homeschooling instead of going to the local school (I think this is reflecting a parent issue).  This has come up before, when DS has gone over to play and the other neighborhood boys are also there.  

 

In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, neighbor boy invited DS to play with the group that were playing in various yards.  As soon as DS showed up, the other boys said that DS wasn't part of the game because it had already been "locked" and they would all have to quit and start over.  As soon as they all agreed to "unlock" the game, instead of starting over, they left.  DS came home in tears.  

 

We always invite them to DS's parties and in fact he has one in a few weeks and their names are on the invitation list.  DS is hurt about not being invited to the birthday party today, but I told him that we will take the higher ground and invite them anyway.  After all, they are our next door neighbors and we have known them several years.  But it isn't easy to do so.  We will NOT be inviting the other boys.

 

I truly sympathize with you, Tiramisu.  I wish we lived closer.  Your DD could hang out with my DD.  She is having some friend issues, too, although not as bad as DS at this point.  At least her friend issue isn't right in her face.

 

Best wishes.  Hope with all my heart things get better very soon.

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I am so sorry for your family, especially your DD, having to go through this!

 

Our next door neighbor's boys, who are friends with my son, are having a birthday party for one of their boys right this very minute.  The kids are all laughing and playing oustide.  It is impossible to avoid.  But DS is not invited.  I assume it is because two of the other neighbor boys that are friends with their boys no longer like hanging around with DS because he is homeschooling instead of going to the local school (I think this is reflecting a parent issue).  This has come up before, when DS has gone over to play and the other neighborhood boys are also there.  

 

In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, neighbor boy invited DS to play with the group that were playing in various yards.  As soon as DS showed up, the other boys said that DS wasn't part of the game because it had already been "locked" and they would all have to quit and start over.  As soon as they all agreed to "unlock" the game, instead of starting over, they left.  DS came home in tears.  

 

We always invite them to DS's parties and in fact he has one in a few weeks and their names are on the invitation list.  DS is hurt about not being invited to the birthday party today, but I told him that we will take the higher ground and invite them anyway.  After all, they are our next door neighbors and we have known them several years.  But it isn't easy to do so.  We will NOT be inviting the other boys.

 

I truly sympathize with you, Tiramisu.  I wish we lived closer.  Your DD could hang out with my DD.  She is having some friend issues, too, although not as bad as DS at this point.  At least her friend issue isn't right in her face.

 

Best wishes.  Hope with all my heart things get better very soon.

 

Thank you. You are always so thoughtful and kind OneStep, so it makes me especially mad that those boys would treat your ds that way and that he has to listen to the boys playing at the party. I am sorry you and your ds have to go through this but it makes me feel less alone tonight.

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Thank you. You are always so thoughtful and kind OneStep, so it makes me especially mad that those boys would treat your ds that way and that he has to listen to the boys playing at the party. I am sorry you and your ds have to go through this but it makes me feel less alone tonight.

 Big, big hugs.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:   You are definitely not alone.

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I'm personally all about letting people invite who works for them and if we happen to find out about something, we shrug it off. Sometimes there are politics or unknown circumstances involved. We're in a large urban area and have many, many friends and acquaintances and it happens not infrequently. I don't really think about it too hard when it happens.

 

Last year, 2 neighbor kids spent the afternoon at our house playing. They had to leave at 5 pm. Within an hour, they had a yard full of kids running around across the street right under my kid's nose. That family, I am currently avoiding like the plague. They used to be my son's BFFs, but with friends like that, who needs enemies?

 

The one mom calling to "rub it in" is just beyond obnoxious. I'm pretty sure I'd cut a family like that off. I'd be blocking numbers of girls texting that appear to be using your daughter. I really don't understand how parents are not involved in this stuff?

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I had this experience a few years ago multiple times, with the same hosts/family, and they had parties ALL the time, and never invited us or our dc. It bothered me a little bit, but I pretty much guessed from the start why we weren't invited. I believe that we weren't invited b/c they knew us well enough to know we wouldn't want our kids in the environment they created for their kids. We like eachother well enough, and enjoy socializing at organized activities, and one of my kids was quite friendly with one of theirs (teens at the time), and even had some one-on-one sleepovers at our house, etc.

 

However . . . At the time, my kids were 8ish to 14ish, and their kids (lots) ranged from just younger to 5 years older. They hosted huge (all over facebook, tons of pics, dozens of guests, open invites on facebook that we were not officially excluded from, but obviously not expected/invited) free-wheeling "family" parties all the time (4-6 times a year at least that I knew about), that would *sound* like family fun (costume party, etc), but, the parties also include(d) pretty much free-wheeling drinking by the adults and very unsupervised large groups of kids and teens. The older girls in the family, ages 17-22ish, have all been cohabiting with boyfriends by age 17, sometimes in their parents home, sometimes at the boyfriend's home (even at age 17!), none of the older kids are on the right path educationally or with a decent job, the parents are in the middle of an ugly divorce with gory adultery allegations, etc. So, anyway, at the time, I sort of knew in my gut why we weren't being included, but in retrospect, I am even more sure that we wouldn't have appreciated or enjoyed their social events. :)

 

As a young teen, I remember one best friend of mine with whom I spent TONS of time, but I never met her "other life" which included older boy friends, very young sexual activity (7th grade), etc. We were good pals, but I just wasn't ready for that sort of thing, and it actually never even came up. She had this other life, and she told me about it, but I was never invited or involved. 

 

So, anyway, maybe there is something like this going on with the people involved.

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I'm so sorry for your dd! I have no problem with the children not being invited to every party, but what you're describing is not that, but rather a sort of social manipulation, I think. Dd had a homeschool friend who invited dd and another girl she was friends with to one 'party event' and the 'cool kids' to a sleepover. Dd is very popular with everyone, but not one of the 'cool kids', and the other girl had issues which would also put her in the 'not cool' camp. I was upset when dd found out, as she was upset, but honestly, it just confirmed reservations I had about the girl and her family. The incident actually contributed to us going into the school system, as I didn't like the way ds's homeschool social circle was so limited, nor the type of child in her peer group.

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