If you are a mandatory reporter....

[AlmiraGulch]

....and you reported a member of your family for suspected child neglect, what happened?

 

Did your family member figure out it was you?  Did you lose your relationship with the reported person?  Did anything positive come of it, such as the circumstances that you reported being corrected?  Or, did nothing really happen except you lost your relationship?

 

Someone close to me is in this situation.  I know she has genuine concern for her grandchild, and I know she misses her terribly because she is rarely allowed to see her, but I fear she used the "mandatory reporter" thing as an excuse to report what I think may not actually be neglect, bur rather less than ideal living conditions.  I fear nothing good will come of it.

 

 

[SKL]

I have no personal experience with this.  I think it is anonymous.  Though subject matter might make it obvious, if it's something that would only be observed by a handful of people.

 

I am wondering - if one is a mandatory reporter, does that apply to close family?

 

Of course anyone should report if they think someone is really being abused/neglected, but I think mandatory reporters have to report things that might not actually be abuse/neglect, right?

[AlmiraGulch]

Yes, it applies to close family.  And I think she has talked herself into believing it is actually neglect, although I'm not sure I'd agree. 

 

I do agree that the child in question lives in unseemly living conditions, and some things have happened that could indicate neglect, but it isn't clear cut to me.  I think this is going to backfire on her.  Meaning, nothing will happen to improve the child's living conditions, and she will no longer see her child or grandchild, which I think will be worse for the grandchild. 

[magnificent_baby]

In my state, mandatory reporting is mandatory in the work setting only but optional outside of a work setting. Personally though, I wouldn't hesitate based on a work or non-work situation. 

 

I can't imagine how the person would find out who turned them in though, that is kept very confidential. Unless of course, she told someone and it got around. 

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

My aunt was a social worker. She rightly reported my parents and we were taken away. My father never forgave her (he's currently in jail for abusing the kids he had after we were taken away.) My mother is also in jail but has divorced my father and forgiven my aunt. All the rest of my father's side of the family sided with my aunt.

My inlaws threatened us with calling child services because they thought our house was too messy. (It WAS bad, I will admit to that, but not bad enough to involve child services.) Recently FIL told Dh that we were "sheltering our children to the point of borderline abuse." And then they couldn't understand why that upset me. We have a very strained relationship where once we were close.

[Ali in OR]

We know of people who lost the relationship. Grandmother reported to CPS because parents had locks on the outside of the kids (all toddlers) bedrooms. CPS told parents it wasn't a good idea and parents removed the locks. They figured out it was grandma and they severed the relationship with her. Grandma is not going to have any role in their life if she puts them at risk with CPS.

 

In the situation you describe, why doesn't Grandma try to improve the living conditions? Work on the relationship with her child and see what kind of support she can provide--financial, child care, emotional support, etc.

[Harriet Vane]

What are the conditions in this child's life that are causing concern?

 

To answer the question, in my experience the following hold true:

 

Scenario #1--

--People are far too reluctant to report genuine criminal abuse.

--Such people waste time and harm children by attempting vague, fruitless personal investigations that they are neither knowledgeable enough or equipped to be able to do.

 

Scenario #2--

--There are unfortunately many people who do not have a clear understanding of what constitutes abuse. These people over-report.

 

Of these two extremes, I would say that scenario #1 is far, far, far more common than #2.

 

A further observation:

 

--After reporting, it is common for the alleged abuser to guess who made the report. Unfortunately all too many grown adults think that the fear of discovery should trump the safety of the abused child. This puts me in a cold rage.

 

--Once it is known that you are a mandated reporter. sometimes you might be accused of making a report that you did not make.

[AlmiraGulch]

No one is abusing anyone in this situation, but it is more than the house being too messy. 

 

[AlmiraGulch]

We know of people who lost the relationship. Grandmother reported to CPS because parents had locks on the outside of the kids (all toddlers) bedrooms. CPS told parents it wasn't a good idea and parents removed the locks. They figured out it was grandma and they severed the relationship with her. Grandma is not going to have any role in their life if she puts them at risk with CPS.

 

In the situation you describe, why doesn't Grandma try to improve the living conditions? Work on the relationship with her child and see what kind of support she can provide--financial, child care, emotional support, etc.

 

 

There is no additional opportunity for this at this time. Really, that path has been traveled more times that I can even count.

 

 

[AlmiraGulch]

What are the conditions in this child's life that are causing concern?

 

To answer the question, in my experience the following hold true:

 

Scenario #1--

--People are far too reluctant to report genuine criminal abuse.

--Such people waste time and harm children by attempting vague, fruitless personal investigations that they are neither knowledgeable enough or equipped to be able to do.

 

Scenario #2--

--There are unfortunately many people who do not have a clear understanding of what constitutes abuse. These people over-report.

 

Of these two extremes, I would say that scenario #1 is far, far, far more common than #2.

 

A further observation:

 

--After reporting, it is common for the alleged abuser to guess who made the report. Unfortunately all too many grown adults think that the fear of discovery should trump the safety of the abused child. This puts me in a cold rage.

 

--Once it is known that you are a mandated reporter. sometimes you might be accused of making a report that you did not make.

 

The living conditions in the child's home are unsafe.  There are holes in the floor, under rugs.  There is only a wood burning stove for heat, when there is heat at all, which has no protective border so the child could harm herself (she is just under 2 years old) and is now in a regular bed, not a crib, so she could get up and get out at any time.  You cannot flush paper down the toilet, and the trash can is regularly full of that waste-covered toilet paper.  There is now actually no heat in the home, as the wood stove has broken.   It is unclear if there is hot water, as the child is clearly afraid of the bath and, as of quite recently, was urine-soaked and completely filthy, as was evidenced by the state of her pajamas and the dirt ring in the bathtub when she got a bath at her grandmother's house.

 

Stuff like that.

 

There is no physical abuse.  The mother is clearly emotionally abused. The child seems very close to both parents.

 

They will absolutely know/guess who reported.

 

 

[Harriet Vane]

No one is abusing anyone in this situation, but it is more than the house being too messy. 

 

Honestly, without more specific detail I cannot help you determine if it's reportable or not. If you want to pm me, I can answer specific questions. I understand if you prefer not.

 

Most times, unless a child is starving, naked, or exposed to the elements, social services will only provide enough accountability to improve any serious living conditions. If a child is under-supervised, CPS will usually require parenting classes and write a plan for appropriate child care that the parent has to follow.

 

Concerned relatives who see loving neglect (conditions that are clearly unhealthy but a parent who is loving but overwhelmed or inept) would do better to help improve those conditions than to report. CPS doesn't have the resources to intervene with lousy parenting unless it's actually criminally abusive.

 

If conditions result in lack of safety for children, they should be reported.

[AimeeM]

The living conditions in the child's home are unsafe.  There are holes in the floor, under rugs.  There is only a wood burning stove for heat, when there is heat at all, which has no protective border so the child could harm herself (she is just under 2 years old) and is now in a regular bed, not a crib, so she could get up and get out at any time.  You cannot flush paper down the toilet, and the trash can is regularly full of that waste-covered toilet paper.  There is now actually no heat in the home, as the wood stove has broken.   It is unclear if there is hot water, as the child is clearly afraid of the bath and, as of quite recently, was urine-soaked and completely filthy, as was evidenced by the state of her pajamas and the dirt ring in the bathtub when she got a bath at her grandmother's house.

 

Stuff like that.

 

There is no physical abuse.  The mother is clearly emotionally abused. The child seems very close to both parents.

 

They will absolutely know/guess who reported.

 

 

That really IS cps worthy, as much as I hate cps involvement. The child sounds about my youngest child's age and I can't imagine my son safely living in those conditions - kids that age are too curious. Not good for any child, really, but especially a curious child. No heat, filthy, safety concerning holes in the floor... yeah. Not good.

[Harriet Vane]

The living conditions in the child's home are unsafe.  There are holes in the floor, under rugs.  There is only a wood burning stove for heat, when there is heat at all, which has no protective border so the child could harm herself (she is just under 2 years old) and is now in a regular bed, not a crib, so she could get up and get out at any time.  You cannot flush paper down the toilet, and the trash can is regularly full of that waste-covered toilet paper.  There is now actually no heat in the home, as the wood stove has broken.   It is unclear if there is hot water, as the child is clearly afraid of the bath and, as of quite recently, was urine-soaked and completely filthy, as was evidenced by the state of her pajamas and the dirt ring in the bathtub when she got a bath at her grandmother's house.

 

Stuff like that.

 

There is no physical abuse.  The mother is clearly emotionally abused. The child seems very close to both parents.

 

They will absolutely know/guess who reported.

 

 

 

Posted while you were posting. :)

 

Everything you describe is reportable. Lack of heat, unsafe and chronic repair situations, open sewage and lack of working sanitation facilities are all things that directly impact child safety. Not changing a diaper much can also lead to health issues, but wouldn't in and of itself be reportable.

 

I side with grandma on this one. Reporting is appropriate.

 

If the mother is overwhelmed and depressed, she may not shut grandmother out. It's quite possible that her desperation will lead her to continue accepting help. I have seen it happen this way many times.

[Desert Strawberry]

I have only reported anonymously. I was asked if I was a mandatory reporter, but no personal information. 

I know a social work student who reported her sister. The living conditions were bad, but there was no abuse. CPS required her to find a new living arrangement. She did, and the situation improved for both mother and child. I don't know if she ever figured out who called. The relationship was not harmed. It was a tough decision, but necessary and beneficial IMO.

[AlmiraGulch]

Honestly, without more specific detail I cannot help you determine if it's reportable or not. If you want to pm me, I can answer specific questions. I understand if you prefer not.

 

Most times, unless a child is starving, naked, or exposed to the elements, social services will only provide enough accountability to improve any serious living conditions. If a child is under-supervised, CPS will usually require parenting classes and write a plan for appropriate child care that the parent has to follow.

 

Concerned relatives who see loving neglect (conditions that are clearly unhealthy but a parent who is loving but overwhelmed or inept) would do better to help improve those conditions than to report. CPS doesn't have the resources to intervene with lousy parenting unless it's actually criminally abusive.

 

If conditions result in lack of safety for children, they should be reported.

 

The child is not starving or naked, for sure.  The living conditions aren't great, but in my opinion it doesn't constitute criminal neglect.   That said, the woman who reported has tried repeatedly to give assistance, but nothing changes.  Money given to have repairs made has been spent for other things.  Repeated offers of help with child care so the parents can seek employment have fallen on deaf ears.  There is just nothing else she can do at this point, and I suppose she felt this was the next logical step.  I don't believe there will be any positive impact at all, based on the bolded, above. 

 

I assume that the relationship will be severed, and so any chance she may have had of having any impact  on that child's life going forward will likely be lost.

 

ETA:  While I don't think it's "neglect", I do think it is hazardous.  I just wanted to point out that I'm not trying to make light of the circumstances, just making a distinction.  Either is bad, but they are different things.

[AlmiraGulch]

That really IS cps worthy, as much as I hate cps involvement. The child sounds about my youngest child's age and I can't imagine my son safely living in those conditions - kids that age are too curious. Not good for any child, really, but especially a curious child. No heat, filthy, safety concerning holes in the floor... yeah. Not good.

 

 

Yeah, I think it's dangerous.  My fear is that CPS will not intervene enough to make a difference, so not only will the living circumstances not change, but then the most positive influence in the child's life, the grandmother, will no longer be a factor, either.  It's a crap situation. 

 

She knew that risk when she reported, and it breaks her heart, but she really believes it's the right thing for the child even if it means she doesn't see her.

 

[SKL]

She sounds like a loving grandma who did what felt right in her heart.  That's about the best any of us can do.

 

I have no idea whether it will actually help the kids or not.  I'm thinking it could go either way.  If they open a case, at least the parents will give those concerns a higher priority than they are getting now.

[abba12]

I think she was right to report, I certainly consider that report-worthy. And I know human waste is a big issue for them so that will get some attention. As an above poster said, under reporting and people trying to gather information themselves is a much bigger problem than over reporting in our society.

 

But, despite popular opinion, cps is more likely to react cautiously than anything. IME it all comes down to who your case worker is, and in a situation like you've described it could be very subjective and dependent on the behavior of child/mum. It's possible very little will happen, or a lot might, far more information will be needed for cps to make that decision.

 

I think she did the right thing though and I hope she can retain some sort of relationship with her granddaughter

[73349]

That does meet my state's definition of neglect, because there is a "danger to the child's health, welfare or safety." There does not have to be a lack of supervision.

 

In ten or twenty years, if nobody reports it, will the kid look at her mandated reporter grandmother and wonder why on Earth she didn't do something? I would think so.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

A friend of mines mother reported her because her house was disgustingly messy, not just the usual clutter and mess (I am not a neat freak, it was bad).  This was after repeated interventions and such. CPS became involved, and it did help. My friend was pretty angry at her mother, but was able to see the intervention was necessary. 

 

 

Whether the intervention will yeild long term changes, I dunno. 

 

Unless the CPS in the area is known to be horrible, I'd rather error on the side of caution.

[Harriet Vane]

The child is not starving or naked, for sure.  The living conditions aren't great, but in my opinion it doesn't constitute criminal neglect.   That said, the woman who reported has tried repeatedly to give assistance, but nothing changes.  Money given to have repairs made has been spent for other things.  Repeated offers of help with child care so the parents can seek employment have fallen on deaf ears.  There is just nothing else she can do at this point, and I suppose she felt this was the next logical step.  I don't believe there will be any positive impact at all, based on the bolded, above. 

 

I assume that the relationship will be severed, and so any chance she may have had of having any impact  on that child's life going forward will likely be lost.

 

ETA:  While I don't think it's "neglect", I do think it is hazardous.  I just wanted to point out that I'm not trying to make light of the circumstances, just making a distinction.  Either is bad, but they are different things.

 

What you describe is indeed neglect. It is also hazardous (which is why it is categorized as neglect). What you describe is definitely within the parameters of reportable neglect.

 

The diversion of available funds to other things, chronic unemployment, and refusal of available help are also concerns in addition to the other issues you mentioned in another post. If this woman is refusing help, then grandma cannot effect much change anyway. A CPS worker will have a better chance.

 

What you describe makes me seriously wonder about drug use, clinical depression, mental illness, or all of the above. There really needs to be a clinical assessment.

[Tap]

Depends on the family.  My mom was reported for child abuse when there was none.  CSD investigated and figured out that it couldn't have happened (the report was an outright lie).  My mom forgave the person who reported it (it was obvious from the content who did it) and figured it was just all part of the illness my niece has.    I wouldn't have been so generous with my assessment of the situation. 

[texasmama]

The living conditions in the child's home are unsafe. There are holes in the floor, under rugs. There is only a wood burning stove for heat, when there is heat at all, which has no protective border so the child could harm herself (she is just under 2 years old) and is now in a regular bed, not a crib, so she could get up and get out at any time. You cannot flush paper down the toilet, and the trash can is regularly full of that waste-covered toilet paper. There is now actually no heat in the home, as the wood stove has broken. It is unclear if there is hot water, as the child is clearly afraid of the bath and, as of quite recently, was urine-soaked and completely filthy, as was evidenced by the state of her pajamas and the dirt ring in the bathtub when she got a bath at her grandmother's house.

 

Stuff like that.

 

There is no physical abuse. The mother is clearly emotionally abused. The child seems very close to both parents.

 

They will absolutely know/guess who reported.

 

 

More kids die of neglect than abuse. The younger the child, the greater the risk. This is a CALL RIGHT NOW situation. In my state, this would be a priority 1 report and would get immediate attention. I am a social worker, by the way. The conditions you describe are not borderline. They are very clearly unsafe.

[Alessandra]

The living conditions in the child's home are unsafe.  There are holes in the floor, under rugs.  There is only a wood burning stove for heat, when there is heat at all, which has no protective border so the child could harm herself (she is just under 2 years old) and is now in a regular bed, not a crib, so she could get up and get out at any time.  You cannot flush paper down the toilet, and the trash can is regularly full of that waste-covered toilet paper.  There is now actually no heat in the home, as the wood stove has broken.   It is unclear if there is hot water, as the child is clearly afraid of the bath and, as of quite recently, was urine-soaked and completely filthy, as was evidenced by the state of her pajamas and the dirt ring in the bathtub when she got a bath at her grandmother's house.

 

Stuff like that.

 

There is no physical abuse.  The mother is clearly emotionally abused. The child seems very close to both parents.

 

They will absolutely know/guess who reported.

 

 

 

Do you have any sense if this is about poverty, depression, mental illness, domestic abuse? Is there any way help from relatives might ameliorate the situation -- patching up, cleaning the house, etc? Or is the relationship with the grandparent such that she could take the child into her home for a while? 

[AlmiraGulch]

More kids die of neglect than abuse. The younger the child, the greater the risk. This is a CALL RIGHT NOW situation. In my state, this would be a priority 1 report and would get immediate attention. I am a social worker, by the way. The conditions you describe are not borderline. They are very clearly unsafe

 

It turns out that it did get immediate attention, as you said it would.  The report was made in the morning and the social worker was at the home by the afternoon.  They did nothing.  Apparently they said it wasn't "that bad".  

 

Do you have any sense if this is about poverty, depression, mental illness, domestic abuse? Is there any way help from relatives might ameliorate the situation -- patching up, cleaning the house, etc? Or is the relationship with the grandparent such that she could take the child into her home for a while? 

 

There is poverty, there is likely some depressions, there is a possibility of mental illness, and we all think there is domestic abuse (mental and emotional).  We're 99% sure drugs are not part of the issue, so at least there's that.   Money has been sent but it is squandered.  There appears to be no willingness to work on the part of either parent.  The father is unbelievably controlling of the mother, but she honestly doesn't really have any other place to go.  She has no money, doesn't work, and there is no longer the option of moving in with her mother or her father.  Those bridges have been burned.  The grandmother would take the baby for a while, but the mother won't allow it.  

 

We're hoping that, if nothing else, at least the parents now know that someone is watching what's going on and will take better care of the home, but......who knows? They're both quite good at playing victim.  Nothing is ever their fault or responsibility.  It pisses me off.  

[Alessandra]

It turns out that it did get immediate attention, as you said it would.  The report was made in the morning and the social worker was at the home by the afternoon.  They did nothing.  Apparently they said it wasn't "that bad".  

 

 

There is poverty, there is likely some depressions, there is a possibility of mental illness, and we all think there is domestic abuse (mental and emotional).  We're 99% sure drugs are not part of the issue, so at least there's that.   Money has been sent but it is squandered.  There appears to be no willingness to work on the part of either parent.  The father is unbelievably controlling of the mother, but she honestly doesn't really have any other place to go.  She has no money, doesn't work, and there is no longer the option of moving in with her mother or her father.  Those bridges have been burned.  The grandmother would take the baby for a while, but the mother won't allow it.  

 

We're hoping that, if nothing else, at least the parents now know that someone is watching what's going on and will take better care of the home, but......who knows? They're both quite good at playing victim.  Nothing is ever their fault or responsibility.  It pisses me off.  

 

Oh, that sounds horrible -- and not at all easy to change. Sometimes if people get a boost, it can get them onto a new path, but it certainly doesn't sound as though that would be the case with this family. I truly hope that there is some way social services can help the family, or at least the mother and child. I feel for the grandmother -- what a terrible, heart-wrenching decision to have to make.

[Laurie4b]

The living conditions in the child's home are unsafe.  There are holes in the floor, under rugs.  There is only a wood burning stove for heat, when there is heat at all, which has no protective border so the child could harm herself (she is just under 2 years old) and is now in a regular bed, not a crib, so she could get up and get out at any time.  You cannot flush paper down the toilet, and the trash can is regularly full of that waste-covered toilet paper.  There is now actually no heat in the home, as the wood stove has broken.   It is unclear if there is hot water, as the child is clearly afraid of the bath and, as of quite recently, was urine-soaked and completely filthy, as was evidenced by the state of her pajamas and the dirt ring in the bathtub when she got a bath at her grandmother's house.

 

Stuff like that.

 

There is no physical abuse.  The mother is clearly emotionally abused. The child seems very close to both parents.

 

They will absolutely know/guess who reported.

 

 

No heat in the home and non-functional toilets are neglect or dependency, not a messy house. Are they poor and can't afford to say, fix the plumbing? (That would be dependency ie the children need something and the parents cannot provide it) or are they into drugs or other things that absorb their attention and money? (That would be neglect ie when the children need something and the parents will not provide it but could.)

 

The catch-22 is if grandma knows and doesn't report it and someone else does report it, grandma would not be considered as a placement for the children if they are taken out of the situation.

If grandma does report it, she can be cut out of their lives.

[mytwomonkeys]

I was a social worker. Reporting does not equate to removal. Chances are CPS will do an investigation and give the family specific guidelines in getting the house back up to a safe living environment for the children. They will most likely be given a timeline in which XYZ needs to be done, and it is often in incremental stages (with the most pressing issues being first on the list).

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm glad that it was reported.  I would have reported it because that is not just messy but dangerous.  I'm sorry that it was considered "not that bad".  This is the kind of thing that can result in a tragedy - kid gets badly burned, breaks leg by falling through hole in floor etc. and then suddenly in hindsight it is considered "bad enough".  

 

The mother always has the option of moving with her kids to a DV shelter.  Quietly tell her that you would pick her up and take her if she ever wants you to.  

[Harriet Vane]

It turns out that it did get immediate attention, as you said it would.  The report was made in the morning and the social worker was at the home by the afternoon.  They did nothing.  Apparently they said it wasn't "that bad".  

 

 

There is poverty, there is likely some depressions, there is a possibility of mental illness, and we all think there is domestic abuse (mental and emotional).  We're 99% sure drugs are not part of the issue, so at least there's that.   Money has been sent but it is squandered.  There appears to be no willingness to work on the part of either parent.  The father is unbelievably controlling of the mother, but she honestly doesn't really have any other place to go.  She has no money, doesn't work, and there is no longer the option of moving in with her mother or her father.  Those bridges have been burned.  The grandmother would take the baby for a while, but the mother won't allow it.  

 

We're hoping that, if nothing else, at least the parents now know that someone is watching what's going on and will take better care of the home, but......who knows? They're both quite good at playing victim.  Nothing is ever their fault or responsibility.  It pisses me off.  

 

I'm really surprised they didn't respond to lack of heat and lack of working toilet??

[Harriet Vane]

One further thought--

 

Often even when there is clear and obvious abuse it takes a long time to get CPS to take on a case. Grandma and others who care about this little one should be prepared to report again in future as further neglect becomes apparent.

[MinivanMom]

It turns out that it did get immediate attention, as you said it would.  The report was made in the morning and the social worker was at the home by the afternoon.  They did nothing.  Apparently they said it wasn't "that bad".  

 

 

There is poverty, there is likely some depressions, there is a possibility of mental illness, and we all think there is domestic abuse (mental and emotional).  We're 99% sure drugs are not part of the issue, so at least there's that.   Money has been sent but it is squandered.  There appears to be no willingness to work on the part of either parent.  The father is unbelievably controlling of the mother, but she honestly doesn't really have any other place to go.  She has no money, doesn't work, and there is no longer the option of moving in with her mother or her father.  Those bridges have been burned.  The grandmother would take the baby for a while, but the mother won't allow it.  

 

We're hoping that, if nothing else, at least the parents now know that someone is watching what's going on and will take better care of the home, but......who knows? They're both quite good at playing victim.  Nothing is ever their fault or responsibility.  It pisses me off.  

 

I know the grandmother is your friend, but this isn't helpful. Does she really think it's reasonable to offer to take in her grandchild only? What mother (depressed or in a bad relationship or otherwise) would just give her child up to grandma?!! That's no way to offer support to her daughter. This attitude only guarantees that when/if her daughter does leave the controlling husband, grandma's house is the very last place she will go. It also sets up a situation where the mother may feel a great deal of pressure to stay with her husband to prove the grandma wrong.

 

I'm very surprised that a social worker would do nothing about holes in the floor and lack of toilet access. Is it possible that your friend is exaggerating the living conditions? I have seen situations in real life where the parent/grandparent was so down on their child's life choices and partner (sometimes rightly so) that they saw controlling behavior where there was none and blew all sorts of things out of proportion. They weren't trying to exaggerate or make the situation worse, but there was so much baggage in their relationship with their child & child's partner that they had a hard time seeing things clearly. Perhaps your friend isn't the person to be offering help to her daughter right now. Are their other friends or perhaps a church or community group that could offer support instead?

[Laurie4b]

I'm really surprised they didn't respond to lack of heat and lack of working toilet??

 

No kidding. Shees.

[AlmiraGulch]

I'm really surprised they didn't respond to lack of heat and lack of working toilet??

 

Yeah, me, too.  Of course this is just the daughter's version, so we don't really know what they actually said.  Daughter said they told them to repair the floors, but that they didn't even check the heat or hot water or the bathroom at all.  Seems odd to me.

[AlmiraGulch]

I know the grandmother is your friend, but this isn't helpful. Does she really think it's reasonable to offer to take in her grandchild only? What mother (depressed or in a bad relationship or otherwise) would just give her child up to grandma?!! That's no way to offer support to her daughter. This attitude only guarantees that when/if her daughter does leave the controlling husband, grandma's house is the very last place she will go. It also sets up a situation where the mother may feel a great deal of pressure to stay with her husband to prove the grandma wrong.

 

I'm very surprised that a social worker would do nothing about holes in the floor and lack of toilet access. Is it possible that your friend is exaggerating the living conditions? I have seen situations in real life where the parent/grandparent was so down on their child's life choices and partner (sometimes rightly so) that they saw controlling behavior where there was none and blew all sorts of things out of proportion. They weren't trying to exaggerate or make the situation worse, but there was so much baggage in their relationship with their child & child's partner that they had a hard time seeing things clearly. Perhaps your friend isn't the person to be offering help to her daughter right now. Are their other friends or perhaps a church or community group that could offer support instead?

 

I certainly understand your point of view.  Really, I do.  You just don't know the whole back story, and since it's irrelevant here I don't see the need to share.  I would likely come to the same conclusion with only the limited details that you have, too, but it just isn't accurate in the big picture.  I will say that the grandmother is not the only to offer and have given help.  Not by a long shot.  Many family members, friends, church, and even at least two separate community organizations that I know of (two where she actually lived for several months at a time) have given assistance.  Unfortunately, the daughter has never, ever done a thing to help herself, and the offers eventually went away.

 

The social worker did tell them they need to repair the floor, but according to the daughter they didn't even check the water or the heat or go into the bathroom.  Whether that's true or not I have no idea. It's her version.  But at least they'll be spending the weekend repairing the floor, and it looks like the baby and maybe daughter will be at grandma's for the weekend while they're doing the work, so it could at least be one positive outcome.  We'll see.

[MinivanMom]

Okay, that sounds like the kind of social worker response I would expect for this level of neglect. It doesn't rise to the level of needing to remove the child immediately, but requiring her to fix the floor is definitely not social services doing "nothing". I would assume that mom now has a case plan (fix the floor & perhaps other things she didn't share with you like parenting classes) and they will be visiting her at least once more to ensure that she's done those things. If she doesn't follow the plan, then they could potentially remove the child. Regardless of what the mother claims the social worker said to her verbally, this is a very big deal. She is now being monitored by social services and could potentially have her child removed if she doesn't follow the case plan.

[AlmiraGulch]

Well that's sort of a relief.  Not that anyone wants her baby removed from her.  Truly.  That was never the goal.  But knowing that someone is watching and will be monitoring brings some comfort.

 

The mom was mortified by the whole thing.  I hope this whole thing serves as a wake-up call for her to get her act together and do right by that baby.