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When your best friend is making horrible life decisions...


sassenach
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What do you do?  

 

My lifelong bf is really pissing me off.  We have a sister type relationship.  There's really nothing she could do that would make me love her any less.  She is not a Christian, so there's always been a gap in how we see the world and make our choices.

 

We are extremely honest with each other. Usually.  I think she's making disastrous parenting/life choices right now and while I've addressed some of my concerns, I haven't really come out and said, "Hey, you're being a crappy mom right now."  I think the time is coming, though, and I'm not excited.

 

She is in the middle of a divorce (her second) and following a life pattern that I've never seen her not do, she immediately fell into a new relationship.  The way she describes how they feel about each other has a Twilight teen angst element to it, "When we're apart, all we can think about is how this is too good to be true, and what if someone else comes along and steals him, and it's just so INTENSE."

 

She has 5 kids.  The 3 older kids have moved in with her parents, because she has to sell her house (just got a contract) and she won't be able to move into a place that can fit her and all 5 of her kids. They moved out early, she says because there's too much tension in the house as her ex is still living there. I think that's true, but I also think it's because she is spending a LOT of time with the new guy and is just not home a lot.  Her dad is an alcoholic in EARLY recovery.  He has historically not been a safe person to be around (extremely verbally abusive).  She pretty much blames him for all things wrong in her life, and yet is ok with having her kids live with him. Her younger 2 kids are being passed back and forth between her and the soon to be ex.

 

The plan is for her to save like a maniac (she's a professional with a high paying career) and get a place for her and all the kids asap.

 

The guy she's dating is very fitness focussed, and so is my friend. She's super fit, but also has had 5 kids.  She has brought up getting a tummy tuck during our last 3 conversations.  When I say, "yeah, but AFTER you get your kids back," she kind of brushes me off.

 

I honestly think she's enjoying being a part time parent to the older 3.  They're at hard ages (12 yo twins and 10yo boy) and the boy especially has always been a hard kid for her.  Their dad is from her first marriage and he's in jail and has not been part of their lives since they were toddlers.  The guy she's divorcing is the only dad they've ever known.  BF seems to think it's not big deal to them that they're losing their dad, because he wasn't their real dad (and for the record, I think he was a pretty good dad).  I think she's pretty much blind to what her kids are going through right now.  

 

I have no idea what I'm looking for here.  I guess this is a JAWM.  I think dh is tired of listening to my rants. 

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I had a friend like that. I certainly didn't have any control of her choices, but I did have the ability to not enable her. No babysitting, no noncommittal "um-hmm" comments, and no listening to her go on and on about her subject of choice. We had some very frank talks, most of which were uncomfortable.

 

(( Hugs )) Being a good friend is hard. It sometimes requires that we temporarily shake that close bond in order to help our friend, even when they don't want help.

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I'm sorry your friend is making poor decisions, and I feel especially sorry for her poor children. It makes me sick when people choose a new boyfriend or girlfriend over their own children. Your friend sounds incredibly self-absorbed and immature.

 

Honestly, though, I doubt there is anything you can say that will make her change her path. It sounds like she has a long history of bad decision making, and if this is her personality, I doubt your words will do anything but make her defensive and argumentative.

 

I hope others have had similar experiences to share with you that ended well, because your friend sounds like a starry-eyed high school girl with a new crush, and you may have a very difficult time getting through to her. She is thinking of herself and of no one else, not even her own children, so anything you say will most likely be interpreted as a personal attack, and she will rant to you about how you don't understand her and you have no idea what she's going through. I seriously doubt that she will be able to find any fault in herself... but I truly hope I'm wrong.

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I recently lost a dear friend who has decided that Jesus thinks it is okay for her to divorce her husband and be with her high school boyfriend instead.  She has 4 kids who are going to be devastated when this all plays out.  They are going to have to sell their house and pull the kids from the private school they have attended their whole lives - there will be no familiar environment left for the kids at all. Another friend and I literally had an intervention with her but she is convinced that Jesus has told her in her heart that this is ok.  It is just crazy. Like "depression with psychotic features" crazy.  She refuses to seek professional help. 

 

I can't give her the unconditional support she literally demands, so our relationship is over. :(  I am really heartbroken but I know it's for the best.  I would not do her any favors by "standing by her" while she ruins her life and the lives of her children, but I am always here for her when she needs help while making healthier choices.

 

I feel your pain.  :sad:  :sad:

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I recently lost a dear friend who has decided that Jesus thinks it is okay for her to divorce her husband and be with her high school boyfriend instead. She has 4 kids who are going to be devastated when this all plays out. They are going to have to sell their house and pull the kids from the private school they have attended their whole lives - there will be no familiar environment left for the kids at all. Another friend and I literally had an intervention with her but she is convinced that Jesus has told her in her heart that this is ok. It is just crazy. Like "depression with psychotic features" crazy. She refuses to seek professional help.

 

I can't give her the unconditional support she literally demands, so our relationship is over. :( I am really heartbroken but I know it's for the best. I would not do her any favors by "standing by her" while she ruins her life and the lives of her children, but I am always here for her when she needs help while making healthier choices.

 

I feel your pain. :sad: :sad:

I'm so sorry. :(

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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I recently lost a dear friend who has decided that Jesus thinks it is okay for her to divorce her husband and be with her high school boyfriend instead.  She has 4 kids who are going to be devastated when this all plays out.  They are going to have to sell their house and pull the kids from the private school they have attended their whole lives - there will be no familiar environment left for the kids at all. Another friend and I literally had an intervention with her but she is convinced that Jesus has told her in her heart that this is ok.  It is just crazy. Like "depression with psychotic features" crazy.  She refuses to seek professional help. 

 

I can't give her the unconditional support she literally demands, so our relationship is over. :(  I am really heartbroken but I know it's for the best.  I would not do her any favors by "standing by her" while she ruins her life and the lives of her children, but I am always here for her when she needs help while making healthier choices.

 

I feel your pain.  :sad:  :sad:

That's really heartbreaking.  I've been through similar situations in a ministry aspect.  

 

With bf not being a Christian, I've never held her to biblical standards.  I don't really oppose her divorce, though I've tried to encourage healthy ways of working through their problems over the years.  It's hard to explain how our relationship works.  We really are like sisters.  We've been bfs since we were 6.  We've literally experienced every step of our lives together.  I grew up in her house, and around her family.  I get her.  She gets me.  We don't ever have to give life context to each other.  So, it's hard when I see her repeat patterns.  We've talked about these patterns many times.  I BEGGED her not to jump into another relationship (when it was clear that the marriage was over) and she literally lasted a month.

 

At the same time, she's not as one dimensional as my ranting her portrays.  We wouldn't be friends if she was.  Like all of us, she's been through a lot in her life, and it's all built up to this point.  There are things she just can't see about herself.  And while I love her, and I do believe she'll eventually see her mistakes, I'm really afraid that the consequences are going to be severe for her kids, and her relationships with them.  I'd like to slap her and yell, "snap out of it!"

 

Thankfully, we don't live close to each other.  I think that's helped our relationship survive these moments.

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She sounds like a troubled, adult child of an alcoholic.  She'll keep doing these things over and over again and you can't fix her- it's not your job.  it sounds like you're caught up in a codependent relationship with this person and it's causing you a lot of heartache. :grouphug:   You can't change her, so it might be best to change your reaction to her.  I recommend the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.     

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Honestly, I would go easy on judgments and comments and just be there for her. She is going through a major life change and seeking out things that can distract her and make her feel good about herself (new angsty boyfriend, talking image improvement.. aka tummy tuck) and seeking you out. Sure its not the most noble approach to dealing with stress and the horribleness that is divorce with kids, but it sounds she is trying with the savings plan and talking regularly with you. I think the easiest way for you to help her along is to say "Hey, I love you like a sister and your kids are in my heart like my own nieces and nephews. I want you to be happy and I want whats best for you and the kids. You are beautiful and successful person I am here to talk anytime you need." and leave it at that. Maybe invite her and the kiddos over to do family things and through that remind her how happy she can be as a family.

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Yes, it's hard. But IMHO, all I can really do is make some polite noises unless someone asks me for advice or an opinion. My best friend has also made some questionable decisions (of course, who has not?) - however, not what you describe, and we both come from the same belief system. Which almost makes it harder to understand her actions at times. She usually asks me what I am thinking and I am trying to gently voice my views. We have known each other for 20+ years and have an honest relationship. We know we want the best for each other, therefore it may be easier to hear an opinion. I find it invaluable to be able to ask her and know I will get an honest answer.

 

It sounds like there is an unhealthy pattern your friend is following and unless she realizes it herself, nobody can break the cycle for her.

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I'm open to input.

 

ETA- Just understand that it's hard to sum up 27 years of knowing a person into a few paragraphs of frustrated ranting. However, I love her and anything that might help me walk through this with her is welcomed.

 

 

{{hugs}}

 

I'm an educated, intelligent, functioning and "recovering" woman who made a regretable and rash decision after my 1st marriage. To be completely, totally honest, I should have stayed dating on the weekends my xh had the kids and continued to simply enjoy being a mature, single mom.

 

That said, I do understand the psychology behind the choices, and why I ended up in a mistake of a 2nd marriage. I'm trying to be gentle with myself about it.

 

I didn't listen to the voices that "warned" be in that I didn't honor their feedback. I did *hear* them.

 

I would probably encourage you to offer your feedback *once* about the choices and then drop it and look for ways for you to be ok after that. OK = not obssessing about her choices.

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A longtime best friend thought I was making bad life choices when I had a baby and not an abortion just shy of 23. From her view, it was a bad decision. The stuff she said when he was born paired with when he was about a year old built a wall that has not crumbled. I will never be her friend again. Family trumps friend, 1000x more when that family is your infant child.

 

I've watched my other long time best friend make some, in my view, questionable choices but I measured my words to him remembering the hurt my old friend caused.

 

I wouldn't say anything unless the behavior was a deal breaker for your friendship and it sounds like this isn't for you.

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Thanks for the feedback.  You all are right.  I can't change her, and I shouldn't obsess about her decisions.  Part of keeping our friendship healthy is knowing that her choices are her choices, and I can't change them.  And I think that's why I posted.  I just really needed to hear that.

 

Katie, this is the ONLY friend that stuck with me when I had a baby at 17.  This is THAT friend.  So, no, not a deal breaker.  We'll be ok.  I just want to ring her neck.

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I really agree with Joanne. Say it once as unsolicited advice. If she opens it up for conversation, you can speak more then, but just speak your mind candidly once otherwise.  

 

One of my oldest friends had an affair with a married man (they both have children).  It was bigger than just the affair - there were so many variables at play that made the relationship so unhealthy.  I was the only friend that didn't abandon her. I did speak truthfully with her about all of my concerns, mainly for her daughter.  And frankly, her choices have strained our relationship, but that has more to do with her pulling back from everyone than it does with me. I love her & I have no doubt that she will return to our friendship fully when all the dust settles.  I am here for her regardless.

 

So, in your shoes I would speak to your friend in truth and in love.  Being a friend isn't always easy and comfortable. Hugs.

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I am so sorry. It is painful to watch a friend repeat patterns over and over. My bff from high school and I have drifted apart largely because she views my life as being charmed. The only real difference between me and her is that I would never get involved with a man who was not responsible. She has always chosen men who are irresponsible/ abusive. My life is not that easy, lol. I BEGGED her not to get together with the last abuser and she quit taking my calls. However, she is an awesome mom who always puts her kids first and in spite of the horrible men that have been in her life, all five of her kids are doing VERY well as young adults. So there is that. Kids can handle a lot if they know they are important to their mother.

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