How do I say this tactfully?

[HappyLady]

My DH recently became involved with a pyramid company (I know, I know).  I like the company and what it represents and I'm past the amount of money we pay per month so he can be in it (we can afford it, which is the only reason I'm not ranting and raving about it), but I don't like that my DH tries to sell to EVERYONE.  Whenever people come to our house he's pulling out the product, making them look at it, taste test stuff, etc.  When he goes out in public he wears the company name on whatever he can in hopes that people will ask him about it.  I'm sure you know how all that goes.  I try to look past it because my DH is very passionate about all of it.  He said it took him 10 years to find another "dream to follow" (he's very big on following your dreams) so if I say anything that he can perceive as negative he'll think I'm trying to squash his dreams and he'd "never do that" to me.  So I need to handle this delicately.

 

We're having our DD's birthday party soon.  Many of the families I know through homeschooling groups will be there.  My DH has met them, but isn't as close to them as I am.  I DON'T want him selling to them.  I can guarantee most of them wouldn't buy anything anyway.  So how do I tell him to keep his mouth at the party?  My DH is VERY sensitive, especially when it comes to saying something negative about something he loves and I've upset him before so apparently I don't know how to word criticism properly.  :)

 

Any suggestions?

[bettyandbob]

This is a party for DD, please put work away and focus on the fun for dd. 

[Chris in VA]

"Hubby, I know you are so passionate about X. I know you are following your dream, and I do support that.

Part of your approach to sales makes me uncomfortable.

I am thinking of dd's upcoming party, and I feel very anxious that you will try to sell X to the people who come.

I'm really feeling uncomfortable with that.

I would like you to not bring out the products or view it as a sales opportunity.

What do you think about that?

 

 

Then keep reiterating how you feel and ask him to help you brainstorm

other ways he can get in front of customers that you can support.

 

I have done Discovery Toys, and I know about "lifestyle marketing," where everyone is viewed as a potential buyer/recruit. You are told over and over how wonderful the "opportunity" is, and how you shouldn't "keep it to yourself." "Sharing is Caring" is actually the name of a book that's recommended, so the idea is that you are doing good not only for yourself, but for someone else. Part of that is true--selling at home can be a good way to make money and still have family time, but you have to be good with boundaries. With MLM, (and I'm sure it's MLM, not a "pyramid" because those are illegal, but I know what you mean), YOU ARE NEVER DONE. YOU NEVER PUT WORK DOWN. He will need to learn to do that.

[AnIslandGirl]

How about a compromise? Let him wear his company logo shirt and if any guests ask him about it during regular conversation he can say "I'd love to tell you all about, XYZ, let's set up a time that works best for you". That way he is still present during your dd's party, but hopefully won't feel as though you are prohibiting him from talking about it if asked.

Good luck for a stress free party!

[Snickerdoodle]

There is a time and a place for everything.   This party is neither time nor place for pitching or selling a product.

[Catwoman]

If your dh is pitching everyone who comes to your house, the time to be gentle with him has passed.

 

It's all well and good that your dh has a "dream," but quite frankly, it sounds more like an "unhealthy obsession" to me, and I would come right out and tell him to stop trying to sell things to friends and family unless they specifically asked him about the products. Period. No exceptions.

 

And if he doesn't realize that a child's birthday party is absolutely not the place to try to get new customers for his business, once again, I think you need to step up to the plate and be very firm about it.

 

If your dh continues to be so gung-ho about this "dream," you may very well find yourselves losing friends because of it, unless you insist that he reign in his enthusiasm. No one wants to go to a friend's house anticipating a nice visit, only to get a big sales pitch when they arrive.

 

I'm not sure why you feel that you need to handle this so delicately. He's a grown man, not a toddler.

 

I remember when he first got involved with the company, and that you didn't support it. At that time, it seemed like you really wished he wouldn't have gotten involved in the business at all, but that you were torn between wanting to be supportive and wishing you could gently let him know that you wished he would quit the business. Clearly, the gentle approach didn't work then, either, because it sounds like you're not only still in the same boat, but that things have gotten worse.

 

I thought at the time, that you were overly concerned about hurting his feelings, and I feel exactly the same way now. I'm not saying you should be mean and nasty, but I see nothing wrong with taking a matter-of-fact approach and addressing the problems you have with his business and with his methods of trying to get new customers.

 

You don't seem to be considering your own feelings here, because you're too busy protecting your dh's ego.

[BrookValley.]

I'm sorry. I just can't be tactful about this kind of thing. If it were my DH, I'd tell him never to pull the stuff out at home, in front of guests or friends, or I'd be crushing more than his dreams. So I have no helpful advice for you, but I want to wish you luck.

[PeachyDoodle]

I would say that you admire his enthusiasm and ambition, but that this is a day for focusing on dd and not on business.

[Lara in Colo]

This is why we have been a part of a MLM thing ans haven't signed up even one person-- I cannot see everyone I see as a potential signee.  Tell DH that he will have to turn off at certain events or you will stop inviting him (yes-- to his own child's things!)

 

[OneStepAtATime]

I have a very sensitive DH, too.  His communication skills are not strong and he tends to hold in his feelings until he has to vent.  By then it has become a huge issue in his head and we have a hard time getting past it.  For those who do not have to deal with this, you may not realize how damaging to a relationship coming on strong against something they are passionate about and believe in could be.  OP, if you are concerned that this will damage your relationship with your DH then I agree that a more gentle approach may be better.  You might win the battle, but lose the war.  I agree with a PP, explain that this is DD's party and you don't want her embarrassed or the guests to feel unnecessary pressure to purchase something during his child's birthday party.  Be supportive of his dream, but help him to see that boundaries need to be set.  Wearing the shirt and setting up appointments at a later date with anyone who inquires seems like a reasonable compromise to me.  If that upsets him, then you may have to be firmer and much clearer about how you feel to get him to back off.  Hopefully, something like that will work, though.

[zoobie]

I'd talk to him about setting up some clear boundaries between family time and work.

 

My DH would want me to tell him if he were embarrassing himself in front of other people. And vice versa.

 

His accusing you of wanting to quash his dream is another issue to address, perhaps with a professional. That's a powerful accusation with deep implications. You should be able to talk to him honestly about how he spends your family's time and money without him whipping that out.

[8circles]

"Dh, DO NOT try to sell anything to our guests at our party. It would be nothing short of inconsiderate, disrespectful, selfish, and rude to our guests, our daughter, and to me. If you do, it will be a huge problem for me in our relationship."

 

How's that?

[8circles]

I have a very sensitive DH, too. His communication skills are not strong and he tends to hold in his feelings until he has to vent. By then it has become a huge issue in his head and we have a hard time getting past it. For those who do not have to deal with this, you may not realize how damaging to a relationship coming on strong against something they are passionate about and believe in could be. OP, if you are concerned that this will damage your relationship with your DH then I agree that a more gentle approach may be better. You might win the battle, but lose the war. I agree with a PP, explain that this is DD's party and you don't want her embarrassed or the guests to feel unnecessary pressure to purchase something during his child's birthday party. Be supportive of his dream, but help him to see that boundaries need to be set. Wearing the shirt and setting up appointments at a later date with anyone who inquires seems like a reasonable compromise to me. If that upsets him, then you may have to be firmer and much clearer about how you feel to get him to back off. Hopefully, something like that will work, though.

IMO it would be the irrational dream that would be damaging the relationship, not the honesty about it.

[5of5]

Although I agree with the PP’s, if you definitely need to come to a compromise, perhaps you can let him hand out literature to guests AS THEY ARE LEAVING. That way, there will be no direct impact on the party. It's a very tough situation.

[Word Nerd]

I'd bring up plans for the party then ask him directly whether he plans to mention XYZ Company/Products while your friends and family are there. Then explain your concerns, talk about it, and set some ground rules—which in this case could reasonably be "no selling at all."

[QueenCat]

I would gently let him know how awkward it makes people feel. I hate it when I think someone is being nice to me because they like me, and then figure out that I'm a potential sale. If it happened in a party setting, like you are describing, I'd probably not come back to your home.

[QueenCat]

Although I agree with the PP’s, if you definitely need to come to a compromise, perhaps you can let him hand out literature to guests AS THEY ARE LEAVING. That way, there will be no direct impact on the party. It's a very tough situation.

 

I would find that just as rude as mentioning it during the middle of the party.

[5of5]

I would find that just as rude as mentioning it during the middle of the party.

Except if it is in middle, the people might leave early.

[DianeW88]

Well, if your dh did that to me at a birthday party, I would tell him firmly that I am not interested at all, and please don't bring it up again.  I would also most likely avoid your family from that point on, because trying to sell something to a guest at your home, invited for a separate occasion is incredibly rude.  I would also be suspicious that I might be ambushed again by your dh at any future event we might both attend.  I detest MLM businesses to begin with, and this would just confirm that to me.  If your dh persists and does this in spite of your wishes...expect your dd to lose friends over it. 

[Laurie4b]

I would gently let him know how awkward it makes people feel. I hate it when I think someone is being nice to me because they like me, and then figure out that I'm a potential sale. If it happened in a party setting, like you are describing, I'd probably not come back to your home.

 

I agree. It makes me avoid people.

 

The pyramid schemes involve seeing everyone else as an object--a rung on the ladder to your goal. People pick up on that immediately.

 

I liked the compromise above to ask him to wear something with his product name on it but not initiate conversations with people.

This doesn't have to do with the party, but longterm:

 

What is his dream? To become wealthy? Maybe there is another way to pursue it that doesn't involve damaging the social relationships that your family has. Is he a true-believer in this product, whatever it is? How does he hope to make an impact? Maybe helping him dream bigger would help in the longrun.

[skimomma]

Well, if your dh did that to me at a birthday party, I would tell him firmly that I am not interested at all, and please don't bring it up again.  I would also most likely avoid your family from that point on, because trying to sell something to a guest at your home, invited for a separate occasion is incredibly rude.  I would also be suspicious that I might be ambushed again by your dh at any future event we might both attend.  I detest MLM businesses to begin with, and this would just confirm that to me.  If your dh persists and does this in spite of your wishes...expect your dd to lose friends over it. 

 

I'm with you.  If someone ever tried to sell me stuff at a kid's birthday party, that would be the last interaction I would have with the family, period.  I am sure I am not unusual in this regard.  If you can not find a way to prevent this, I would strongly consider canceling the party.

[ChristineP]

I agree with pp.  Just bring it up to him and tell him your concerns.  I would not ask him if he is planning on doing it because that could backfire on you and then you would have to essentially "veto" what he wants to do.  Open up a discussion with your concerns.

[Moxie]

Maybe show him this thread--would that help him understand how most people feel about MLM?

 

My bigger concern would be what happens to someone so emotionally invested when his dreams don't come true?? The research on MLM's proves that very few people make it. What happens then??

[Ipsey]

I'm afraid I'd be another to just say, "I'm not interested. I'm just here for DD's friend's party. Please don't bring it up to me again."

I would also probably avoid interactions with your family to make sure I wasn't marketed again by the DH. (I would be fine with meeting with you outside of the home, or in my home or where I knew your DH wouldn't be around, though)

 

I am not a sales opportunity unless I'm in a store. I don't want to be marketed to when I'm at a social occasion.

 

I don't know how you should address your DH, but I'd try to make the point that it's a party, not a business venture, and he needs to divide the two and not let his business life interfere with his daughter.

 

There are also a number of good websites that break down MLM schemes and why their failure rate is so very high.

[PeachyDoodle]

Well, if your dh did that to me at a birthday party, I would tell him firmly that I am not interested at all, and please don't bring it up again.  I would also most likely avoid your family from that point on, because trying to sell something to a guest at your home, invited for a separate occasion is incredibly rude.  I would also be suspicious that I might be ambushed again by your dh at any future event we might both attend.  I detest MLM businesses to begin with, and this would just confirm that to me.  If your dh persists and does this in spite of your wishes...expect your dd to lose friends over it. 

 

This plays in to what some of us said already, that this day is about dd, not business. If he won't do it for you, would he be more open to the idea that this might turn off dd's friends' parents, impacting her beyond this one day?

 

It may be wrong, but if I was most concerned about this one particular day, I'd be inclined to take an "us vs. them" approach with dh: "You know I support you honey, but some people can be very narrow-minded about these kinds of businesses, and I'm concerned that it might have negative consequences for dd if you upset her friends' parents."

 

If you think it's just a phase that will run its course if you can get past the party, that might be the way to go. It obviously won't help much if this is going to be an ongoing problem for the foreseeable future; you'll just wind up fighting this same fight again down the road.

 

FWIW, my parents were die-hard Amway-ers when I was a teenager, so I understand just how defensive people can be about these things.

 

[bettyandbob]

Well, if your dh did that to me at a birthday party, I would tell him firmly that I am not interested at all, and please don't bring it up again.  I would also most likely avoid your family from that point on, because trying to sell something to a guest at your home, invited for a separate occasion is incredibly rude.  I would also be suspicious that I might be ambushed again by your dh at any future event we might both attend.  I detest MLM businesses to begin with, and this would just confirm that to me.  If your dh persists and does this in spite of your wishes...expect your dd to lose friends over it. 

This would be me. So, if your dh thinks your dd should have have friends then he needs to put his marketing plan away during the party. 

[Ripley]

Is it possible to address your desire to support his dreams, without that stepping on your daughter's desire for a dedicated birthday party?  Would he understand it better from that perspective, maybe?

 

I like the idea of the compromise - allowing him to wear the swag and being open to those who inquire. I'd probably ask to be polite, and then regret it if he went into sale mode (even if I did set myself up for it). And as someone who once wore a uniform to work, and had difficulty remembering not to be "on" during my commute when I was still in uniform, will he be able to wear the swag without waiting to be approached?

 

Maybe another compromise idea might be to allow him to host his own party. Pick a separate weekend and extend the invitation to the same crowd. Hand your friends the reins - to show or decline interest directly to your husband. Remove yourself as the middleman. It may still rub some of your friends wrong, especially if they don't realize that the other option was to let them be ambushed at your daughter's party, but it seems like the least awkward way to juggle all of the balls you have up in the air.

 

Besides - gently remind your husband that just because you disagree with his approach doesn't mean you're not supporting his dreams. On the contrary, it's because you ARE supporting them that you feel you have to step in. Nobody likes to be ambushed, and turning a party into a sales call is doing exactly that - it's not smart selling, it's desperate and short-sighted. You want him to have as many good leads as possible, which is not the same thing as having as many sales opportunities as possible. Ambushed people don't buy, and they definitely don't spread POSITIVE word of mouth. At best he can hope for a sympathy sale or two, but those won't turn into recurrent sales - they never do.

 

So I'd suck it up and let him invite my homeschool group to a dedicated sales party - if it meant avoiding it entirely at my child's birthday party. And then I'd encourage him to join his local city commerce group, Toastmasters, book clubs, ads in the church bulletin, hosting a quarterly party at the library or rec center, "teaching" a class through the city rec program related to his product, or taking any other networking opportunities in every effort to avoid chasing off friends and family. ;) There are more profitable avenues, any how.

 

And good luck. It's a rough spot to be in. At least he's trying to hussle his product, and not just sitting on inventory like a lazy bum. The next step is to get him to trust that you're trying to finesse his sales method - not crush his dreams. And unfortunately, he has to be willing to see that. I hope he does.

 

 

[AimeeM]

Although I agree with the PP’s, if you definitely need to come to a compromise, perhaps you can let him hand out literature to guests AS THEY ARE LEAVING. That way, there will be no direct impact on the party. It's a very tough situation.

I would be very annoyed, and find it incredibly tacky, if I were handed literature like that on my way out the door at a child's birthday party.

 

OP - say it gently, but it NEEDS to be said. If I were pitched at a birthday party, I wouldn't come to another at the same house; in fact, I'd probably avoid that house like the plague.

[QueenCat]

The below is a great idea........ so long as the guests KNOW it is a sales party, and do not think they are being invited to a social gathering. I still remember being invited to a brunch at someone's house, and discovering we were there "taste" and hopefully purchase nutritious juice products. There was not enough food to for anyone to call it "brunch".

 

 

 

So I'd suck it up and let him invite my homeschool group to a dedicated sales party - if it meant avoiding it entirely at my child's birthday party. And then I'd encourage him to join his local city commerce group, Toastmasters, book clubs, ads in the church bulletin, hosting a quarterly party at the library or rec center, "teaching" a class through the city rec program related to his product, or taking any other networking opportunities in every effort to avoid chasing off friends and family. ;) There are more profitable avenues, any how.

 

 

[Anne in CA]

I am pretty sure that you are going to offend him no matter how nice you may be, so I would err on the side of being clear and having the argument NOW, rather than in front of guests or after the party and spoiling your dd's birthday anyway. I have learned the hard way that if I am not explicitly clear with dh about something he wants to do that I do not think is a good idea he will do it anyway and we will have trouble.If I am clear we have a small disagreement up front, but then are on the same page. I think you are going to disagree over this, and I think you will be happier in the end if you make up your mind to have the disagreement NOW, rather than hope you can make sweet suggestions and then later you will be upset when he spoils the party. 

[MooCow]

From your previous thread, I'm pretty sure your hubby is selling what my neighbors were. Honestly, it became annoying, and I quit hanging out for a long long time. No advice, but I feel for your situation.

[Slartibartfast]

I am really not a tactful person. 

 

It is terribly fortunate that dh and I met.

[DianeW88]

Maybe you all are much nicer than I am, but if my dh was threatening to start giving the hard sell on his MLM scheme at my dd's birthday party, my response would be something like, "If you even attempt to talk to one person about buying this stuff, I will kill you on the spot."  I don't think subtlety is your friend in this situation.  And honestly, he is a big, grown-up, man.  He can take it.  You don't have to protect HIS feelings, you need to protect your dd's feelings.

[fraidycat]

Just say it. Straight. Do not beat around the bush. If he's too "sensitive" to hear it, that is his problem, not yours. Time to put on the big boy pants.

 

What IS his dream, exactly? To make the people who own his company richer? That is about all MLM is good for.

[OnTheBrink]

Ugh ugh ugh! As someone who's been the target of this kind of thing, I guarantee you it's not going to be received well. If you invite people to your home for a party, then hit them with a sales pitch, you've basically told them they were duped. 

 

A family at church once sought out EX and I  to invite us to dinner. We felt honored, initially. They're an older couple, well respected and we liked them. What they didn't bother to mention was they wanted to invite us over to pitch their MLM to us. We were really upset! We thought they wanted to get to know our family, etc, but they just wanted to sign us on. It was insulting. So, tell your dh that unless he wants to insult the guests, leave the work in the other room and enjoy your guests and party. 

[Word Nerd]

I am pretty sure that you are going to offend him no matter how nice you may be, so I would err on the side of being clear and having the argument NOW, rather than in front of guests or after the party and spoiling your dd's birthday anyway. I have learned the hard way that if I am not explicitly clear with dh about something he wants to do that I do not think is a good idea he will do it anyway and we will have trouble.If I am clear we have a small disagreement up front, but then are on the same page. I think you are going to disagree over this, and I think you will be happier in the end if you make up your mind to have the disagreement NOW, rather than hope you can make sweet suggestions and then later you will be upset when he spoils the party. 

 

This is how I see it. Much better to hear him out and confront him now than to make a scene when he starts trying to sell products or recruit people at the party and making your guests uncomfortable.

[Trish]

Huh, too bad you didn't tell him upfront you were allergic to MLM. My "dream" is to be free of the sales pressures associated with pyramid schemes.

[Miss Peregrine]

I'd tell him he was squashing my dream of a stress-free party for dd.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Oh wow, not something I could deal with (the sensitive DH) but from a practical POV he could wear the shirt and leave a small pile of company literature in an obvious but not too obvious place that someone might pick up to read.  Remind him this is about DD and she might feel slighted if her daddy's focus isn't entirely on her.  If it continues to be a problem or worsens you'll probably have to take the "gloves" off and seek counselling. Good luck and enjoy the party.

[Elisabet1]

You need to just tell him. Fact is, through the years, I have known some people who get in to this stuff. And I stop being friends. I cannot stand it when I am visiting with someone, and I think they are my friend, and then they try to sell me something. If he does this at the birthday party, most of these friends will not come the next time they are invited. And they might avoid inviting you and your child to their things in the future.  ((hugs))

[DawnM]

Maybe you need to say that your dd's friends can come without their parents.  that way he won't have anyone to sell to.

[LucyStoner]

If your dh is pitching everyone who comes to your house, the time to be gentle with him has passed.

 

 

You don't seem to be considering your own feelings here, because you're too busy protecting your dh's ego.

 

I agree with your whole post but especially these sentiments. 

 

"DH, You simply can not turn our social life into a sales pitch.  The party isn't going to work for sales, period."

 

I say screw tact. 

[Catwoman]

I agree with your whole post but especially these sentiments.

 

"DH, You simply can not turn our social life into a sales pitch. The party isn't going to work for sales, period."

 

I say screw tact.

:iagree:

 

Bean is much nicer than I am.

 

She has mentioned in the past that she was worried about hurting her dh's feelings if she came right out and told him what she thought about something.

 

Personally, I think he's being very manipulative. He knows that if he acts all angry and sad and hurt, that she will back down and he will get his own way.

 

I think it's time for her to insist that he man up and stop being a big whiner. I have no patience for people who can't accept a little criticism or discuss an issue without hurt feelings. And I have absolutely zero tolerance for a man who would spend family money to start a business when his wife wasn't in full agreement.

 

I'm not into the whole "gentle" approach. I think it's ridiculous. Adults should be able to have rational, honest, and direct conversations with each other. No one should have to walk on eggshells when speaking with her own spouse.

 

But I guess I'm just a dream-crusher. ;)

[LucyStoner]

Nm.