How to explain this to a seven year old

[GSOchristie]

My son has a few friends in our neighborhood.  I am fine with them playing outside where I can see them (we live in a cul de sac), but I am not fine letting him go into their houses.  For one thing, the dads are home in both houses and I don't know them very well (nor do I want to get to know them).  One is a SAHD (who's kids are all at school, so I'm not sure why he needs to stay home full time), and the other works nights.  I have no desire to go hang out at their houses so my son can play while I am in attendance.  My son asks me every. flippin'. day. to go inside.  I'm not sure how to say, "well, I'm not sure if there is a child predator in residence, and it would only take one time to damage you, and sorry, they allow you to watch PG 13 movies and play M video games, which I don't think is appropriate for a seven year old" in a way that he will understand, and importantly, not repeat to the other boys  :leaving: .  I just say, "No, sorry, you can't play inside, you guys can play outside."  which leads to a push for an explanation.  Arrrgghhhh, how do I deal with this?

[bolt.]

"Neighbourhood friends are outdoor friends. I don't let you go inside houses unless I and/or your father are friends with the adults who live there. That's because if you go inside, the adults there get to be in charge if you. I only let my friends do that.

 

"You don't need to ask me to play inside at Boy's house. You know the answer is 'no' because you already know that Boy's dad and aren't friends. I don't even know his name... And, no, I'm not going to make friends with him. You can ask your dad."

[Lawana]

I added, "I have answered your question. The answer is not going to change today, tomorrow, or next week. You may not ask me that again."

 

It was quite successful. I think I only had to repeat it once.

[GSOchristie]

That's probably part of the problem, I keep stumbling around trying to come up with a g-rated answer.  I like both of your responses, thank you :).

[Rebel Yell]

First, would you question a SAHM whose kids were in school?  Maybe he cooks and cleans and takes care of the household stuff, and if we worked it would put their income over some tax limit and end up not really earning anything...

 

Second, Do you allow the boys into YOUR home?  It gets trickier to explain if it;s OK for them to come to your house, but not for him to go into theirs.

 

Third:  Does your son know about situations that he needs to run/scream/leave/tell Mommy & Daddy no matter what?  If he doesn't know that perfectly nice-looking people/teachers/coaches/etc.  can harm him, then I'd have that discussion first- in general, rather than "The neighbor's Daddy might be a predator."

 

Finally, if no neighborhood kids are allowed in your home and your son knows about the dangers of living in a fallen world with other humans, THEN explain that because you don't know the parents well enough, he can only play outside when you can supervise.

 

Sorry I have no help for how to explain to him that you don;t want to get to know them better so that he *could* potentially play at their home. Other than a brief "I'm sorry, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to be in the house with Mr. Neighbor while you & Neighborhoodkid play inside."

 

I do hope you have lots of nice days with beautiful weather so playing outside is an attractive option. :coolgleamA:

 

[SKL]

My children are told that they are not allowed to go into anyone's house without my prior, explicit permission.  Period.  Ever.  My kids know it's a safety issue.  It's nothing personal, I don't discriminate.  The only houses they have ever gone into without me or an adult caregiver were my family members.  (My kids are also 7, and this will obviously change eventually, but I decide when.)

 

If they asked me I would simply say "no, that is against my rule," and I'd repeat the rule.

[Elfknitter.#]

First, would you question a SAHM whose kids were in school?  Maybe he cooks and cleans and takes care of the household stuff, and if we worked it would put their income over some tax limit and end up not really earning anything...

 

Second, Do you allow the boys into YOUR home?  It gets trickier to explain if it;s OK for them to come to your house, but not for him to go into theirs.

 

Third:  Does your son know about situations that he needs to run/scream/leave/tell Mommy & Daddy no matter what?  If he doesn't know that perfectly nice-looking people/teachers/coaches/etc.  can harm him, then I'd have that discussion first- in general, rather than "The neighbor's Daddy might be a predator."

 

Finally, if no neighborhood kids are allowed in your home and your son knows about the dangers of living in a fallen world with other humans, THEN explain that because you don't know the parents well enough, he can only play outside when you can supervise.

 

Sorry I have no help for how to explain to him that you don;t want to get to know them better so that he *could* potentially play at their home. Other than a brief "I'm sorry, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to be in the house with Mr. Neighbor while you & Neighborhoodkid play inside."

 

I do hope you have lots of nice days with beautiful weather so playing outside is an attractive option. :coolgleamA:

 

This.

[J-rap]

I think I would say, "Sorry, I don't know them.  And unless I know them, I'm not comfortable with you going in their house."  If they kept asking me, I'd probably say, "You know the answer to that already, you don't need to ask."    Also, I just realized that I never had to deal with that the whole time my children were growing up, ever.  We live in a small town and were friends with everybody in our neighborhood.  I guess we were lucky!

[Danestress]

Do you want to know why I am a SAHM even though my kids are in school? I would be glad to try to answer that if you really can't figure that one out.

 

As for how I would explain it, I wouldn't. I would just Tell him that I happy for him to play outside, but I don't letting kids play inside at neighbor's houses. Sometimes you can't give a reason that a seven year old will accept, but luckily, you aren't obligated to!

[T'smom]

I think I would say, "Sorry, I don't know them. And unless I know them, I'm not comfortable with you going in their house." If they kept asking me, I'd probably say, "You know the answer to that already, you don't need to ask." Also, I just realized that I never had to deal with that the whole time my children were growing up, ever. We live in a small town and were friends with everybody in our neighborhood. I guess we were lucky!

This is what I would say. Say the rule is, he doesn't go into houses where you don't know the adult in charge very well.

[GSOchristie]

Well, about the SAHD, I know for a fact that he does not cook or clean because I am pretty good friends with the mom, and I know that she really thought he would be working full time once their four year old started preschool in the fall.  That's an inside scoop  ;) . We have four friends that are SAHD's, so I'm not questioning that, just in this particular case I know the backstory.  

 

And, no, I don't allow them in my house, either, because a) I have enough people making messes without adding any more mess makers, b) I don't want to put any other parent in an awkward situation, and c) I am not a free babysitting service.  I will allow these kids inside if we set it up in advance, like any other kid coming in for a playdate.  On the knowing there are bad people in the world, not so much, we need to figure out how to explain this concept to him without making him anxious.  He tends to be overly frightened of things, which he will analyze to death.  I want to buy the gift of fear and give him the synopsis.  Only I haven't, yet.  

[Ripley]

My 7 year old got this:

"Asked and answered."

 

Once that started sounding testy, I'd stop what I was doing. I put my hand on her shoulder and looked her straight in the eye and said: "Look, Kid. I've dedicated enough time to this. The answer is no. And it's not going to change. Even if I DID reconsider my answer (and I'm not), I certainly couldn't change it now because then you'll think pestering me to change it actually works. And then we'll be doing this every day for every thing. And I'm not that dumb, but I am a hair shy of crazy so this conversation ends here.  Go play with your friends outside, or find something else to do. I don't care what you do, just don't ask me again. Ever."

 

And the few times she did ask me again, she got to write ten sentences:

"No means no, and playing outside is more fun than writing sentences inside." :gnorsi:

[Farrar]

I think it's a reasonable policy to not let the kids play in others' homes when you don't know the families.  But then I would feel like I should get to know the families a little.  I also don't have any inherent suspicion of fathers.  Nor do I have any judgment of SAHD's.  I think part of the not being able to explain it sense is that the OP is having trouble explaining that she feels suspicious of men.

[SKL]

Maybe she is getting bad vibes from one or both of those particular men.  And if so, she should listen to those vibes.

 

She may not want to get to know these people.  Personally, my kids don't decide who my friends are.  When they are old enough and have earned a dark enough belt in TKD, then they can go visit whom they want.  ;)

[Elfknitter.#]

Then it sounds like you can either be a broken record when asked or simply inform the child that the question has been answered and there will be no other discussion.

 

 

[GSOchristie]

My 7 year old got this:

"Asked and answered."

 

Once that started sounding testy, I'd stop what I was doing. I put my hand on her shoulder and looked her straight in the eye and said: "Look, Kid. I've dedicated enough time to this. The answer is no. And it's not going to change. Even if I DID reconsider my answer (and I'm not), I certainly couldn't change it now because then you'll think pestering me to change it actually works. And then we'll be doing this every day for every thing. And I'm not that dumb, but I am a hair shy of crazy so this conversation ends here.  Go play with your friends outside, or find something else to do. I don't care what you do, just don't ask me again. Ever."

 

And the few times she did ask me again, she got to write ten sentences:

"No means no, and playing outside is more fun than writing sentences inside." :gnorsi:

 

Awesome :).

[GSOchristie]

I'm not particularly suspicious of men, but, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, it would be far more likely for a man to be a child predator than a woman.  The one case (the night worker) there are other sketchball details that I don't want to get into, but it's safe to say he will not be playing inside there, ever.  SAHD is more just poor judgement.  He plays M rated video games with their middle schooler while the seven and four year olds are in the room.  One day ds told me he watched some pg13 movie there, Avengers or Iron Man or Transformers, I can't remember.  So I'm not really afraid something will happen there on purpose, just negligently.  

[GSOchristie]

The kicker, it's 58 degrees and sunny here and they're asking me to play inside  :001_rolleyes: .

[Tammi K]

 One is a SAHD (who's kids are all at school, so I'm not sure why he needs to stay home full time), and the other works nights.

Wow! That's all...just wow.   :confused1:  

 

Can you imagine the uproar if someone said such a thing about a woman who chose to stay at home? 

[sassenach]

We have the same policy of having to get to know the parents, but I also put in effort to getting to know the parents.  Even when we lived next door to a single dad, I got to know him and eventually my dd was allowed to play with his 2 girls at their house.  Now the harder situation is when we do get to know a family, and find the house unacceptable.  That has happened.  We then institute the, "If you ask me again, the answer is no" policy.  When the kids were younger, I wouldn't elaborate as to why, I would just say that the answer is no.  Now, I'll let them into my reasoning a bit, and they usually get it.  Also, as they've gotten older, I have loosened up on how well I need to know a family, but I've gotten more direct with my questions about computer/tv/video game access and usage. 

[GSOchristie]

Wow! That's all...just wow.   :confused1:  

 

Can you imagine the uproar if someone said such a thing about a woman who chose to stay at home? 

 

Answered, read the thread.

[Bootsie]

My son has a few friends in our neighborhood.  I am fine with them playing outside where I can see them (we live in a cul de sac), but I am not fine letting him go into their houses.  For one thing, the dads are home in both houses and I don't know them very well (nor do I want to get to know them).  One is a SAHD (who's kids are all at school, so I'm not sure why he needs to stay home full time), and the other works nights.  I have no desire to go hang out at their houses so my son can play while I am in attendance.  My son asks me every. flippin'. day. to go inside.  I'm not sure how to say, "well, I'm not sure if there is a child predator in residence, and it would only take one time to damage you, and sorry, they allow you to watch PG 13 movies and play M video games, which I don't think is appropriate for a seven year old" in a way that he will understand, and importantly, not repeat to the other boys  :leaving: .  I just say, "No, sorry, you can't play inside, you guys can play outside."  which leads to a push for an explanation.  Arrrgghhhh, how do I deal with this?

I think the red is what is leading to some confusion.  In later posts it sounds as if the problem isn't that you don't know them well--the problem is that you know them well enough that you don't want your children there.  Also, it sounds as if you have let your son go inside in the past, so there is no a change in the rule.  If that is the case, I think it is reasonable for a child to wonder why the rule has changed.  If your son was allowed to watch movies that you do not want him seeing, it seems that he would be aware of that.  Therefore, I don't see any problem with saying that you don't want him going inside because there are movies that you do not want him to see being watched.  He doesn't have to understand the details of why.  It doesn't have to be said in a judgmental way--it is simply our family has these rules about what we watch; other families have other rules.  I don't see that this would be a problem if he repeats it to the other boys.

[bolt.]

I'm not particularly suspicious of men, but, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, it would be far more likely for a man to be a child predator than a woman.

 

This statement contradicts itself. I think you are trying to say that you *are* more suspicious towards men, because you believe you have factual information supporting the idea that they are statistically more likely to be sexually predatory towards your child. I think you might be right about your statistics, so, well, it's OK to be honest about these things. It's not an irrational reason for suspicion, but it a bit of a broad brush with which to paint half of the human race. It's something you might want to ponder.

 

The one case (the night worker) there are other sketchball details that I don't want to get into, but it's safe to say he will not be playing inside there, ever.  SAHD is more just poor judgement.  He plays M rated video games with their middle schooler while the seven and four year olds are in the room.  One day ds told me he watched some pg13 movie there, Avengers or Iron Man or Transformers, I can't remember.  So I'm not really afraid something will happen there on purpose, just negligently.

 

These are real things that you know about the practices of the people you are thinking about. That's different from having casting statistic-based suspicions on every male.

 

You might want to get into the ideas that "different families have different rules" and/or "there are things that we/I think aren't good for children, but not everyone agrees" and/or "not everyone is nice, honest, kind or good, so each parent supervises their own children, not just any adult will do" -- Not necessarily in answering this question right now (it's too big of a lecture for a simple permission issue) but just so that you will have those concepts to draw on for future situations and discussions.

[Farrar]

Ok those are better reasons to not want them in his house. 

 

Agreed.  And then I would just say that if it was my kid.  I would say, "Sorry but they have a different policy about video games and screens than us.  We've talked about our rules for screens.  Some games and movies show things that are violent or grown up and you're not ready for that.  All families are different and they've made a different choice about it.  That's okay, it doesn't mean you can't be friends but it does mean you have to play outside."  And then I would feel free to shut down most of the discussion around it.  I think it's hard to explain to a kid when the reasons are vague.  I think it's easier to explain specifics.  And then, if they don't get it, that's okay, but you don't have to keep at it.  Remind them that you answered and cut off the conversation.

[Spryte]

Agreed.  And then I would just say that if it was my kid.  I would say, "Sorry but they have a different policy about video games and screens than us.  We've talked about our rules for screens.  Some games and movies show things that are violent or grown up and you're not ready for that.  All families are different and they've made a different choice about it.  That's okay, it doesn't mean you can't be friends but it does mean you have to play outside."  And then I would feel free to shut down most of the discussion around it.  I think it's hard to explain to a kid when the reasons are vague.  I think it's easier to explain specifics.  And then, if they don't get it, that's okay, but you don't have to keep at it.  Remind them that you answered and cut off the conversation.

 

We have gone this route with some neighborhood families.  It's been well accepted by our kiddos.  I think kids understand it, when phrased this way.  

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Ok those are better reasons to not want them in his house.

Indeed. Stupid parents are not exclusive to either gender.

[Jen in PA]

What I have said to my kids is that even if they feel they have been invited into a neighbor's house, I feel like it is asking the adult in that house to be in charge of them. For neighbors I am friendly with, this doesn't feel like an intrusion, while with neighbors I am not that close to, it does. I have handled it more as an issue of manners than safety. Our situation is a bit unusual, though, since the households with kids near us are either foster families (who are even stricter than I am about this sort of thing) or grandparents raising children due to some very serious parental issues, which makes them pretty cautious as well. 

[AimeeM]

Yikes. I know many mothers who choose to stay home after their children go to school... nobody seems to question them.

I'm not sure how I would approach it because I wouldn't personally say "no" to them just because their at-home caregiver is dad, instead of mom (which seems to be your issue, no?). I would, however, get to know the parent first (but it seems you don't want to do that either?).

[SKL]

I just remembered how our next-door neighbor did it when I was a teen.  The mom told her 4yo, "don't go in that house, there's demons in there."  LOL.

 

My mom had a bit of a potty mouth... and sometimes the windows were open....

[Meadowlark]

I too am listening closely because I almost could have written this post. I have a 7 & 5 year old who have become friends with an older (3rd gr.) though immature neighbor boy. The thing is, I DO know his mom, and like her alright. BUT, she definitely has a different idea of what kids should be exposed to then I do. (He was Chucky for Halloween). My kids played a violent video game there last week..ugh, really not okay. This kid is nice enough, and actually plays very nicely (yes, sometimes in our house in the winter) and really brings out some creativity in my kids. So, I too don't know what to say when the mom calls and says " can G and C come down, I'm happy to watch them and they can watch a movie.etc". It's very difficult to know what to say to my kids. They don't see why they aren't allowed in this boys house anymore...he has cool toys, etc. And then there's the whole neighbor issue and not wanting to seem "better" than them...agh. And how do you get your kids to not say "my mom says I can't come in your house because you plan xyz video games" or something like that that would embarrass me?

 

OP, not wishing to hijack your thread, but your post had me nodding because I am in the same boat as you.

[Joker]

I'm a stay home mom with both of my dds in school. I am plenty busy. I hope to maybe go back to work when the oldest is driving, but we'll see.

 

I don't automatically say no to my dds because the only adult home is male. They've each hung out at friends' homes when only dad is home. I didn't know them really well but I felt comfortable enough with the families to let them go.

 

I didn't let my dds hang out in neighborhood homes with those I didn't know well when they were young, though. My dds are now in middle school and we've had many conversations about what is okay, what is not, and what they are to do if they feel uncomfortable or if something isn't right.

 

If it was important to my dds, then I would make an effort to get to know the dads better so they could play more.

[Rebel Yell]

My 7 year old got this:

"Asked and answered."

 

Once that started sounding testy, I'd stop what I was doing. I put my hand on her shoulder and looked her straight in the eye and said: "Look, Kid. I've dedicated enough time to this. The answer is no. And it's not going to change. Even if I DID reconsider my answer (and I'm not), I certainly couldn't change it now because then you'll think pestering me to change it actually works. And then we'll be doing this every day for every thing. And I'm not that dumb, but I am a hair shy of crazy so this conversation ends here.  Go play with your friends outside, or find something else to do. I don't care what you do, just don't ask me again. Ever."

 

And the few times she did ask me again, she got to write ten sentences:

"No means no, and playing outside is more fun than writing sentences inside." :gnorsi:

 

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

PLEASE oh PLEASE write a parenting book!

[nd293]

One is a SAHD (who's kids are all at school, so I'm not sure why he needs to stay home full time),

I'm a SAHM with kids in school. I didn't realise it was that odd ...

 

That out of the way, when ds6 asks for sleepovers, I always tell him that sleepovers are for people we know well and who do things the way we do; that sometimes, even if I really like someone, I would not be comfortable with him sleeping over because how things work in their house is too different from ours. Some edited version of that might work in the neighbourhood kids situation too.