When to talk to an immature almost 10 year old about growing up?

[ChristusG]

In April, my oldest DD will turn 10. I think we're going to make the "double digit" birthday a big deal in our family. We haven't really had any "big" parties before this....mainly gatherings at home, etc. So we're doing some special things for turning 10. Among them, giving 10 gifts throughout the day on her birthday, ranging from small to bigger. I thought that since she's turning 10, some of them can be "growing up" gifts. I have a copy of The Care & Keeping of You by the American Girl company that I've been holding on to. I thought about giving her this. However, as I looked through it, I realized that it deals with things that have probably never even crossed her mind. We've managed to keep her quite sheltered through homeschooling, monitoring her TV/media usage, and friendships. This is a GOOD thing and something that we've strived to do.

 

Some things she's probably never thought about......body weight. She's thin. But she's probably never given a thought to the fact that girls look at their bodies critically. She has some freckles. In the book, there's a section about freckles and that you shouldn't think you look funny with freckles. She's probably never given her freckles a second thought! I don't want to hand her this book, have her read it, and then begin wondering and second guessing herself as she looks in the mirror, or wondering if freckles really are strange....when she never has before! She's my sports minded tomboy so I can honestly say that I'm pretty sure she's never thought about these things.

 

So I'm wondering if I should give her the book or not? I don't want her to start thinking negative things about her body that she's never thought about before. However, I do like other aspects of the book....introducing what will happen during puberty, personal hygiene, nutrition, etc. These are things that she does need to know about. I could tell her, but I'm sure the book probably states them in a very kid friendly way.

 

**ETA....I ask this because I know there are SO many girls that have body issues. I have always stressed to my daughters that what a person looks like is NOT important. It's what's on the inside. I never want them second guessing how God created them....that's why I don't want to introduce it into their minds if they've never thought it. I know it will come at some point....I just don't want them thinking it so young.

[Dandelion]

Instead of giving her the book, how about just using it as a jumping-off point to discuss the topics you think would be helpful to her at this time?  Use it more as a reference/guide for yourself? 

 

In the book, there's a section about freckles and that you shouldn't think you look funny with freckles. She's probably never given her freckles a second thought! I don't want to hand her this book, have her read it, and then begin wondering and second guessing herself as she looks in the mirror, or wondering if freckles really are strange....when she never has before! .

 

I've always loved my freckles, but then I never had someone tell me (nor did I read a book that told me) otherwise.   :)  I'd be hesitant to give her a book that could introduce completely irrelevant and unnecessary "issues".

[Farrar]

In general, I think mentioning things head on instead of assuming that kids haven't faced them or noticed and made their own assumptions is better.  I mean, I'd rather tell a girl straight up, "Some girls get very anxious about their bodies, but you don't need to because..." than never bring it up until after she's realized it - even if that realization isn't until she's 15 or some lateish age to do so.  By then, you've missed your opportunity to build her up and get her ready.

[Trish]

Ah I remember 10 as being in the Golden Years of childhood. I wouldn't have wanted to focus on body issues at that age. (but for me I didn't need to, I was late getting my period at 14) When they covered menstruation in 5th grade class I just sort of viewed it as academic information and didn't really give any thought to how it might apply to me. However my mother was available to give me information when I needed it, maybe an age 12/13 discussion.

 

Every kid is different, so maybe just try to monitor the situation and give her info as needed?

[ChristusG]

Thanks everyone! I think I will just monitor things and speak to her when I feel it is necessary. I do want to speak with her soon about puberty, periods, etc because you never know when those things are going to begin. So I don't think I'll just give her the book to read.....I'll pick and choose which parts to read to her.

 

She does know that some people judge others by their bodies. We've talked about beauty pageants, etc and how you should never judge whether you like someone just based on how they look.

[Guest submarines]

Ah I remember 10 as being in the Golden Years of childhood. I wouldn't have wanted to focus on body issues at that age. (but for me I didn't need to, I was late getting my period at 14) When they covered menstruation in 5th grade class I just sort of viewed it as academic information and didn't really give any thought to how it might apply to me. However my mother was available to give me information when I needed it, maybe an age 12/13 discussion.

 

Every kid is different, so maybe just try to monitor the situation and give her info as needed?

 

This is how I remember being 10. I remember thinking that being 10 was just the best. I wanted to stay 10 forever.

[ChristusG]

In general, I think mentioning things head on instead of assuming that kids haven't faced them or noticed and made their own assumptions is better.  I mean, I'd rather tell a girl straight up, "Some girls get very anxious about their bodies, but you don't need to because..." than never bring it up until after she's realized it - even if that realization isn't until she's 15 or some lateish age to do so.  By then, you've missed your opportunity to build her up and get her ready.

 

I think that I can try to head this off without giving her reasons to be anxious about her body. I already casually speak to my girls and mention how beautiful they are. Sometimes we'll be talking about things and I tell them how God never makes mistakes in the way he creates people. We all look different but everyone is beautiful. Some are fat, some are thin, some have freckles, some don't, some wear glasses, some have red hair, some may be missing an arm, some may walk with a limp.....none of that matters. So I speak to them about it on that sort of level.

[Um_2_4]

:001_rolleyes: Oh I am glad I wasn't the only one not thrilled with this book. I just grabbed it for .50 at a used book store and think I will do the read aloud also for parts I want to cover.

Has anyone read the boys' version? Is it in a similar tone? If so I'll skip it for DS.

[J-rap]

I was really careful about not exposing my girls to stuff before I thought they were ready.  I made the decision to not go with the popular psychology of talking about all of this when my girls were young still.  I might've if they were in school.  But honestly, my girls were home 90% of the time.  We didn't have a TV, we didn't get fashion magazines... yeah, they were pretty sheltered in a lot of ways.  I never talked about my looks or complained about my weight or hair or clothes in front of my girls. 

 

I knew several people growing up who had severe eating disorders, saw first-hand how eating disorders and negative body images can come about simply by power of suggestion.  So, we kind of circled around it for a long time and just celebrated our bodies, however they were. 

 

I don't meant to tell you not to discuss it with them.  I did discuss it all eventually with my girls, but not until I felt they were on the cusp of learning or thinking more about it anyway.  You as their mother know at what point that might be. 

[Tiffnkids]

I remember being super excited about being in the "double digits"! 

 

If you are not quite comfortable giving her the AG book yet, then perhaps a mommy-daughter lunch . . . Ask her if she has any questions about growing up and answer those questions.  Definitely explain the menstrual cycle to her.  Encourage her to come to you with any questions she might have.  Plan another mommy-daughter lunch for next year.

[ChristusG]

Love the mommy/daughter lunch idea! I think we'll do that! I might even make it a picnic instead.... That way she may feel even more comfortable discussing things with no listening ears in close proximity.

[The Governess]

We have this book. I gave my daughter a copy when she was eight, with a bunch of other used books I had brought home from a sale. She has looked through it a few times since then and asked me a question here and there.

 

I think giving a girl a book like that as a meaningful gift could give it more weight than it deserves. I purposefully didn't make a big deal out of it when I gave it to dd, and to her it is just a book with some interesting information in it that she can reference if she is curious about something.

 

Also, my kids seem to take things like this more in stride than I expect them to.... and my worry about how it will affect them is usually for nothing. :)

[Anne]

I remember reading several of "those" books when my (fairly sheltered) dd was about that age and having many of the same thoughts.  What I finally did was read the books myself (which helped me find the right language to start with), and then just have the discussion without the book.  It made for a better discussion, I thought.  Eventually, when she was older, she had books available for any and all information she was interested in - but not at 10.    She's now a happily married woman, so I guess things worked out okay!  :-)

 

Anne

[skimomma]

Does your dd spend time with other girls her age?  I ask, because I have a 10yo, fairly sheltered, always-homeschooled girl and we also have no TV or unsupervised internet access.  She is what I would call a "late-bloomer" and I will be shocked if she enters puberty anytime soon.  She has a small circle of friends, mostly her age, mostly public-schooled, mostly female, mostly from families we know very well.  I bought this book for her when she was 8 then the second one in the series when she turned 10, along with the "So Amazing" series in the same basic age progression.  I thought she was a little young for each book when we gave them to her.  I did not think she had thought about these things or had any questions/concerns.  I was very wrong.  Dd is pretty willing to come to us with questions of any nature, but we found she did not even have the words for some of her questions.  And the kids talk amongst themselves far more than I realized.....often with quite incorrect information.  My dd uses these books as a reference guide, usually to help her frame questions or clear up confusion.   I initially had some of the concerns you have.  I worried it would cause body image issues or anxiety about events that are not likely to occur for quite some time.  But this has not been the case.  If anything, I think having all of the info available has been very helpful.  I am more and more coming to believe that too much info is far better than not enough.  And sometimes, as parents, we don't always remember those stages accurately.  

 

We are not, however, as a family at all conservative from a body/modesty/sexuality standpoint, so our situation might be different.

[Dmmetler]

Well, I ended up going through the younger Care and Keeping of You with my 8 yr old last year because it seemed like all her older friends hit puberty at once, and she was getting very puzzled by their behavior (like, for example, why is M so nice most weeks, but spent all of this week at co-op crying and arguing?), and definitely had questions. 

 

And I do think the body image thing was one thing that hit her. but I don't think it was so much from the book as that she was hearing it from other girls, and the book gave her a chance to talk about it. She wanted to go on a diet, so since her pediatric office actually has a dietician on staff, I set up an appointment with her for DD and I to set up something reasonable, because DD is one kid who does NOT need to lose weight, and, in fact, needs a higher percentage of fat in her diet than most kids to maintain the weight she has. Once she had a "diet" (which, basically, was what I would have given her anyway), she was more comfortable.  She also wanted, about the same time, to go bra shopping  and we bought other supplies to keep in her bathroom. According to her developmental pediatrician, she's nowhere close to puberty, but handling her concerns seriously seemed to make her feel more comfortable, even if the couple of little half-length camisoles that we bought as bras got worn maybe once or twice and then ignored in her drawer. I really do think she had more partial information than I'd thought, and that it was simply that I officially gave her permission to ask.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

I honestly think girls get body image messages more from their mothers and friends than from any books or media. I gave my own daughter one of these books earlier than she 'needed' it because her friends hit puberty before she did and I wanted her to understand those conversations.

 

10 is still so young. I wouldn't push a 10-year-old to alter her natural pace of maturity because of an arbitrary birthday. She'll grow up soon enough. If she's your oldest, 10 will seem older to you than it actually is.