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If you were adopted, how has it affected your view on abortion?


msjones
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The question is also for those of you who have adopted children.

 

I was adopted as a newborn.  My birth mom was only 15.  My husband was adopted out of foster care when he was 6 months old.  Most of our sibling were also adopted.  

 

I know that my life began badly as an unwanted pregnancy.  I imagine that I was the worst thing that had ever happened to my birth mother and that she was possibly desperate to get rid of her pregnancy.  

 

If I could meet her, I would be overflowing with gratitude for her choice to give birth to me.  

 

My husband feels the same way.  We are thankful to be alive.

 

I am largely pro-life, but a teeny-tiny bit of me is pro-choice -- only because I hate what desperate women may do to themselves if safe abortion isn't available. I go back and forth on that.  

 

I have no idea where this thread will go.  But, reading the Planned Parenthood thread had me thinking about this all day.

 

 I am the result of an unwanted pregnancy.  I imagine many of us are and may not know it.  

 

Thoughts? 

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my mother got pregnant as a 21 year old student. Abortion was possible but not easy and adoption was encouraged. My parents married and kept me. I am grateful for that. If I had been adopted I would have been grateful for that too. But if I had been aborted i wouldn't know. I am mostly glad my mother didn't try one of the mad self induced abortion schemes that may have damaged me and that she didn't try to give birth in secret (we would both probably have died).

 

Some babies are so damaged by their parents during pregnancy I wonder if abortion wouldn't be kinder.

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When you see a pregnant woman drinking, smoking and high how does that change how you feel about abortion?

 

 

 

It doesn't change my view.  I am an adoptive mom of 3 who came from birth mothers with some/all of the above issues (all situations were different).  I am very thankful to have my children.  They all do have some levels of special needs that could have been prevented with a healthy pregnancy but the kids are all still a wonderful blessing from the Lord.

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When you see a pregnant woman drinking, smoking and high how does that change how you feel about abortion?

 

my mother got pregnant as a 21 year old student. Abortion was possible but not easy and adoption was encouraged. My parents married and kept me. I am grateful for that. If I had been adopted I would have been grateful for that too. But if I had been aborted i wouldn't know. I am mostly glad my mother didn't try one of the mad self induced abortion schemes that may have damaged me and that she didn't try to give birth in secret (we would both probably have died).

 

Hmm...not sure I understand what you're getting at here.  

 

Do I think that pregnancy/baby would be better off aborted?  Is that what you mean?

 

(Not meaning to sound snarky there...it's coming off that way on the internet, though.)

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Considering my mom told me that I'd have been aborted had abortion been legal back then (I came along just 12 months after my sister and they weren't thrilled to have a second child so quickly), I am pretty adamantly pro-life and always will be with the exception of the mother's life being in danger (true life or death deal) or deadly issues with the baby that are discovered early.

 

I fully respect that some may wish abortion had been legal and my mom had gotten her wish from back then... ;)

 

I'm pretty libertarian for everything else (live and let live, after all), but to me, it's a person in the womb and they should get to live too.

 

I also have two cousins and one nephew who were adopted.  I'm glad I have them.  The world is better off with them here too.

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I am an adoptive parent. My opinion on abortion is that it should be rare, safe, and legal. That opinion has been pretty consistent before, during, and after my child's adoption. I do wish that abortions were much more rare than they are. I think we fail in that regard, as a society, to provide adequate support so that some women don't feel that abortion is their "only" choice.

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I'm adopted as is my brother.  While I thankfully never faced an unwanted pregnancy, my belief always was that I could never have an abortion.  However, I've also been pro-choice my entire life.  I can't force another woman to go through a pregnancy that she does not want, nor give birth to a child that she doesn't want, nor give up a child.  I know women who gave up children for adoption and it has haunted them.  I also know that we have many many kids in foster care who need homes.   I know that very likely my birth mother contemplated or tried alternative abortion methods, as this was pre-Roe v. Wade.  I would not have wanted her to die as a result of them just because she happened to have sex and get pregnant.  I have friends who have gone through abortions and have watched them agonize over the decision.  I have yet to meet a woman who made that decision lightly.

 

I was adopted in a closed adoption state which requires a court order and permission of birth parents to unseal one's records.  I went through that after the birth of my third child--mainly to say "thank you."  I don't regret that, but I also really want no relationship with my birth parents.  They are not bad people, but we have all kind of evolved that way.  My parents are the people who raised me and loved me the past 40+ years… biology does not change that.  Perhaps because I understand that, I also do not believe that "forcing" birth and perhaps adoption on a person is the right thing to do either.  It is not without consequences.    

 

If you're from that era, I highly recommend the book "The Girls Who Went Away."

 

I am staunchly pro birth control.  I believe that it should be freely accessible to all--even minors without knowledge of their parents.  I do not think that a person's decision to have premarital sex should mean that they are forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy or become a Mom before they are ready.  I think that if a teen is responsible enough to want to use birth control, then she should be able to access it.  Studies have shown that providing long acting birth control like IUDs and Depo are 20x more effective in preventing unwanted pregnancies.  That's remarkable.  I'd like to see all of the efforts of both sides go towards that because I've yet to meet anybody who is "pro abortion."  Rather they just don't want to force a child on an unwilling person.

 

I am staunchly pro-child.  I think we need to focus far more effort on ending childhood poverty in this country.  We have an obligation to all of those kids who have been born, whether wanted or not at the time of conception (as that can change).  Unfortunately I know many people who are strongly anti-abortion, and yet also against WIC, Child Health Insurance Programs, and other programs.  That baffles me.  Some would probably call me a socialist, in that I think that many countries which provide stipends to parents to encourage them to stay home with their kids when they are young, as well as long parental leaves for both parents, are on the right track.  

 

Until we have no children living in poverty, no children in foster care or waiting for adoption, and are doing everything to prevent pregnancies--for me the issue of abortion is basically pointless.  We need to take care of the lives we already have, and use the working methods we already know of to prevent pregnancies.  Abortions have existed since time began.  Abortifactants are written about in ancient texts.  Making abortions illegal will only cause more women to die via illegal methods… women who already are Moms and have living children to take care of. I value their lives too.

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My husband is adopted, his birthparents chose adoption so that they could finish school.  My SIL is adopted - her birthmother was a young teen.  

 

I am an adoptive parent.  Of course, I am grateful every day to be parenting my children.  I am glad that my children's birthparents had opportunities and choices, and counseling.

 

Neither experience has changed my very strong feelings on this topic. DH has always felt similarly.

 

I am also the (step)parent of a great (now adult) kid who was born to a teenager.  

 

My oldest friend was conceived as a result of a horrific rape, and was abused horribly as a child, and has never been accepted into his family as a result of the circumstances surrounding his birth.  His life has been hard.  

 

None of the above have made my feelings re: pro-life or pro-choice issues change.  None of them.  

 

FWIW, I fully support PP.  They were my only source of consistent medical care (annuals, etc) for years as a young adult.  They diagnosed my endometriosis.  In fact, the recent threads remind me that I need to make a donation, so that women who need care can get it.  

 

ETA: In case it needs to be stated outright, I am adamantly pro-choice.

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I'm adopted as is my brother.  While I thankfully never faced an unwanted pregnancy, my belief always was that I could never have an abortion.  However, I've also been pro-choice my entire life.  I can't force another woman to go through a pregnancy that she does not want, nor give birth to a child that she doesn't want, nor give up a child.  I know women who gave up children for adoption and it has haunted them.  I also know that we have many many kids in foster care who need homes.   I know that very likely my birth mother contemplated or tried alternative abortion methods, as this was pre-Roe v. Wade.  I would not have wanted her to die as a result of them just because she happened to have sex and get pregnant.  I have friends who have gone through abortions and have watched them agonize over the decision.  I have yet to meet a woman who made that decision lightly.

 

I was adopted in a closed adoption state which requires a court order and permission of birth parents to unseal one's records.  I went through that after the birth of my third child--mainly to say "thank you."  I don't regret that, but I also really want no relationship with my birth parents.  They are not bad people, but we have all kind of evolved that way.  My parents are the people who raised me and loved me the past 40+ years… biology does not change that.  Perhaps because I understand that, I also do not believe that "forcing" birth and perhaps adoption on a person is the right thing to do either.  It is not without consequences.    

 

If you're from that era, I highly recommend the book "The Girls Who Went Away."

 

I am staunchly pro birth control.  I believe that it should be freely accessible to all--even minors without knowledge of their parents.  I do not think that a person's decision to have premarital sex should mean that they are forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy or become a Mom before they are ready.  I think that if a teen is responsible enough to want to use birth control, then she should be able to access it.  Studies have shown that providing long acting birth control like IUDs and Depo are 20x more effective in preventing unwanted pregnancies.  That's remarkable.  I'd like to see all of the efforts of both sides go towards that because I've yet to meet anybody who is "pro abortion."  Rather they just don't want to force a child on an unwilling person.

 

I am staunchly pro-child.  I think we need to focus far more effort on ending childhood poverty in this country.  We have an obligation to all of those kids who have been born, whether wanted or not at the time of conception (as that can change).  Unfortunately I know many people who are strongly anti-abortion, and yet also against WIC, Child Health Insurance Programs, and other programs.  That baffles me.  Some would probably call me a socialist, in that I think that many countries which provide stipends to parents to encourage them to stay home with their kids when they are young, as well as long parental leaves for both parents, are on the right track.  

 

Until we have no children living in poverty, no children in foster care or waiting for adoption, and are doing everything to prevent pregnancies--for me the issue of abortion is basically pointless.  We need to take care of the lives we already have, and use the working methods we already know of to prevent pregnancies.  Abortions have existed since time began.  Abortifactants are written about in ancient texts.  Making abortions illegal will only cause more women to die via illegal methods… women who already are Moms and have living children to take care of. I value their lives too.

Well said.  

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I will say that I used to wonder if there were any unselfish reasons to not consider adoption over abortion.  "I couldn't handle giving up my baby" or "I would have to live with that forever"....those seemed selfish to me - not unreal, and not invalid, but reasons that were about the woman rather than the child.   

 

I met someone whose mom had been adopted and had a terrible family situation.  Abusive, etc.  The daughter mentioned once that because of that situation, she would never give a baby up for adoption, and would choose abortion first.  In her mind, she was terrified of what she might be subjecting her baby to.  She would rather make the choice to have the baby not be alive than possibly be subjected to the abuse her mom went through.

 

I don't agree with that line of reasoning, but that was probably the first unselfish reason I've heard, and I did understand it somewhat. 

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It doesn't change my view. I am an adoptive mom of 3 who came from birth mothers with some/all of the above issues (all situations were different). I am very thankful to have my children. They all do have some levels of special needs that could have been prevented with a healthy pregnancy but the kids are all still a wonderful blessing from the Lord.

What she said, but add one more kiddo! ;)

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Both of my sons are adopted. The oldest married a young lady who placed a baby for adoption...so around our dining table during holidays we have the complete adoption triad.

 

When the oldest was about 13 or 14, we were urged to pick up some fresh eggs at the stable where I boarded my horse. My son decided to fix the eggs--turned out one of them was well along the way to being a chick. Oops! Totally freaked my son out. "What if someone had done that to me!" This is the kiddo who really, really, really struggled with adoption and feelings of abandonment. When he calmed down some, we gave thanks that his birth mom made the choices she did.

 

I'm a believer that abortion should be, as someone else said, safe, rare, and legal. Because of the sons I raised, I can never forget that bit of tissue becomes a living, breathing, thinking, laughing, crying person. I am grateful for the trials two woman went through...I would not have been a mom otherwise.

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My mother was raised in an uber-conservative religious family in the backwoods of Alabama. Her father was a preacher. Two of her brothers are preachers. She wasn't allowed to wear make-up or jewelry or pants. Etc. etc. etc. It was as strict an upbringing as you can imagine.

 

She got pregnant at 19 years old the first time she had sex. She and the guy loved each other and wanted to get married but he was 26yo and divorced already. Remarriage is considered a sin in her denomination and her parents forbade her to marry him. In fact, her pregnancy outside of wedlock was such a shame on the family name that they packed her up in the middle of the night and sent her to live with her sister in Michigan. They refused to tell her boyfriend where she was (and threatened to shoot him if he ever came on their property again) and they told her that he had already moved on with a new girlfriend (a lie). 

 

She was young, pregnant, alone, jobless, no insurance, and broke in a whole new culture and a whole new state. She had shamed her family, could no longer show her face in her hometown, and lost the man she loved.

 

A classic case for someone to get an abortion.

 

Lucky for me, she chose life.

 

Two of my children were adopted from women in similar situations. I choose life.

 

There are no unwanted children. Only unfound parents.

 

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I'm an adoptive mom.  I have always been pro-life.  I would rather see women/girls more empowered to look beyond the here and now and wait until they are ready to parent.  I do not believe that elective abortion makes things easier for a woman.

 

I think pro-life people have a duty to support the alternatives and services for the children who are born.  An important part of this is supporting mental health services for families, and if feasible, participating in services such as foster care, respite, etc.

 

Adoption is painful and although I'm blessed to be chosen to raise my kids, it would be better if nearly all kids could be raised by loving biological parents.  But I still feel that adoption is a far better outcome than abortion.  Being in the adoption community, I'm aware of so many beautiful lives that make the world a better place.  I also know that many birth parents are rightly happy and proud of what they created.

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My father was adopted from an orphanage. he was so traumatized by what happened to him in his short life that he killed himself.

 I am pro- life.

I live in a country where there is extensive support given to women who find themselves pregnant. there is family allowances child money etc. women can and do manage to live on these stipends if they keep their baby. There are not vey many children that end up in foster care and adoption is just about impossible I think there was only just over 160 adoptions Aus wide last year. Birth control is very readily available, and teens do not need parental consent to get birth control. In spite all of this, Australia has one of their highest rates of Abortion in the world. Latest figures say that ONE IN THREE women in Australia will have an abortion in their lifetime!

 

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It doesn't change my view. I am an adoptive mom of 3 who came from birth mothers with some/all of the above issues (all situations were different). I am very thankful to have my children. They all do have some levels of special needs that could have been prevented with a healthy pregnancy but the kids are all still a wonderful blessing from the Lord.

That's why I deleted that bit. I know people who have babies that had a rough start too.

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I wasn't adopted, but watched my sister and brother be adopted.  One of my older sisters got pregnant at 16 and adopted out.  She had been a foster child.   It colors my thoughts tremendously.  As an outside observer to their struggles of identity and watching the adoption process, I made a decision to never adopt.  Not that I didn't think adoption was a good thing, I just didn't want to deal with the emotional struggle of the adopted children.  Well, fast forward a few years and now we are raising 4 that aren't "ours" and were in the system before coming to us.  It *is* very difficult dealing with their emotional issues, but I have definitely changed my feelings about adoption.  My main objection to adoption (and abortion for that matter) is when it is marketed.  I don't mean offered as an option, but marketed.  I do not like adoption or abortion used as a form of birth control.

 

 

 

 

I just went back and read the op.  You asked if it colored one's viewpoint on abortion, I answered adoption.  To answer your question, yes.  I do not believe that abortion is the best option.  I don't think it is a good idea to put all of my thoughts about the subject on here, but I will say a little about it.  I don't like that abortion takes the choice away from the father.  I believe that every life is valid.  By every life I mean that of the mother and the child.  I am not one who believes that you should save the life of the child at the expense of the mother, but I do not agree with abortion in most (if not all) cases.

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I was a pregnant, unwed teenager.  The baby I was carrying had birth defects.  I had no insurance and the baby's daddy was less than thrilled.  We got married and did everything we could to take care of our baby.  About eight years later we had another unplanned pregnancy.  We had four small children by that time, my dh worked a full time job and a part time job and I did in-home day care because we had debts to pay off.  Those two unplanned pregnancies resulted in two of the most delightful people I know and the world is a better place because they are in it.

 

I know that other women face more difficult circumstances, but I say all this to tell you that I understand 'hard'.  I know what it's like to think (even for a moment) that abortion might be an option.  Thank God that I didn't.  I have friends who have chosen that option, and their lives have been absolutely devastated by it.  I am pro-life because I believe that abortion is harmful to both the mother and the baby.  

 

I am also an adoptive mom now.  Our five youngest children were all born with birth defects.  Words could never express to their birth parents how much I hold them in my heart.  How thankful I am for their courage and sacrifice, and how much I feel the pain of their loss. 

 

Adoption is not the way things are supposed to be.  In a perfect world all children would be wanted, all birth parents would be loving and supported as they care for their biological children.  

 

I am pro-life because I think abortion is a band-aid on a gaping wound.  I do not think it brings healing and wholeness to women.  I think it adds to the brokenness.  

 

 

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I was a pregnant, unwed teenager.  The baby I was carrying had birth defects.  I had no insurance and the baby's daddy was less than thrilled.  We got married and did everything we could to take care of our baby.  About eight years later we had another unplanned pregnancy.  We had four small children by that time, my dh worked a full time job and a part time job and I did in-home day care because we had debts to pay off.  Those two unplanned pregnancies resulted in two of the most delightful people I know and the world is a better place because they are in it.

 

I know that other women face more difficult circumstances, but I say all this to tell you that I understand 'hard'.  I know what it's like to think (even for a moment) that abortion might be an option.  Thank God that I didn't.  I have friends who have chosen that option, and their lives have been absolutely devastated by it.  I am pro-life because I believe that abortion is harmful to both the mother and the baby.  

 

I am also an adoptive mom now.  Our five youngest children were all born with birth defects.  Words could never express to their birth parents how much I hold them in my heart.  How thankful I am for their courage and sacrifice, and how much I feel the pain of their loss. 

 

Adoption is not the way things are supposed to be.  In a perfect world all children would be wanted, all birth parents would be loving and supported as they care for their biological children.  

 

I am pro-life because I think abortion is a band-aid on a gaping wound.  I do not think it brings healing and wholeness to women.  I think it adds to the brokenness.  

 

Agreed.  I also was unwed and pregnant.  Believe me it crossed my mind, as it did my preacher father's when my sister got pregnant at 16.  Your last few sentences summed up my thoughts exactly.

 

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I am not personally part of an adoptive situation in any way, but I know people who have been in many of the circumstances you all have been discussing. I really appreciate hearing the thoughts and opinions you've all expressed (and the stats, etc.), and I am glad the thread has been courteous.

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