Am I Crazy? Considering Foster Parenting

[Momling]

We've been doing foster care for 2 years and will continue to do it.  We do take kids under the age of our youngest, so far this has meant ages 3-6.  Here's what I would think about:

 

- How do you feel about difficult kids -- Biting? Hitting? Swearing? Bedwetting? Fights at school? Can you handle difficult situations without compromising your family? 

 

 - How do you feel about driving -- doctors, psychologists, therapists, visitations (In our experience 3-4 times per week...), DHS, WIC, Headstart, out of district schools etc... 

 

 - How do you feel about difficult social workers?  We have a great relationship with our certifier, but have not been lucky with the kid's social workers who seemed to alternate between totally distant and unresponsive to emails and phone calls and totally annoying and invasive.  Do you need much handholding? Are you okay to have a visiting social worker show up with little notice?

 

 - How do you feel about saying goodbye to a child? What about when you are fearful about where they're going?

 

 - How do you feel about giving love and affection and making sure that both your own kids and your foster kids are getting their needs met and not feeling like second-class family members? It's a little weird to hug a young child who is not your own and telling them how special and loved they are when you barely know them.  Can you do it?

 

-How are your own kids going to deal with the new arrivals? We have a rule that kids can't go into each others bedroom unless invited. Do you have a way to preserve their privacy? Are they up for helping diaper changes and help out with dressing or bedtime?  Our kids generally have stepped up to the challenge and I think it's been a great experience for them... but there have been difficult times.

 

 - How do you feel about working with difficult bio parents?  - They are likely disenfranchised and angry and have poor coping skills and addictions and criminal background and psych history.  In our experiences, the parents were extremely young and needed a mentor and needed to feel that their child is taken care of and their own voices were being heard. 

[Momling]

Also, I should add that you can always turn down requests for fostering.  We have several times! Once because the medical concerns were too much and once because the boys were just too aggressive and once because I just couldn't bear the thought of potty training yet again.   We have never given up a foster child who was too difficult, but twice we've taken foster kids from other foster parents who couldn't handle them. It's a fairly common experience and both of those families went on to foster more kids.  I feel too strong of a sense of responsibility to admit defeat like that.

 

Our placement worker has always been great with giving us the lowdown.  Nothing is spared... They tell everything from the allegations of sexual abuse and parental drug abuse during pregnancy, to kids who have a history of out of control daily tantruming and animal cruelty.  I like knowing what we're getting into.  Sometimes it's not as bad a picture as they paint. Sometimes it's worse, but I know they'll give me all the information they can.

 

Finally, I should add that it's a family decision.  We all have to agree -- including the kids, that it's the right thing to do.  Also, we take breaks in between kids... it's good to have a month or two without the driving and stress.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

I said worst case scenario when fostering infants. I specified "fostering" and "infants" very intentionally.

 

But infants grow up and are no longer infants.  Some of those children will have severe behavior issues later.  Many a foster parent has said, "I'm not planning to adopt." and then, after having the child from infancy goes on to adopt in the early years.  The, some of those children go on to have very disturbing behavioral issues later as older children, teens and/or young adults.

[HS Mom in NC]

Disclosure was a problem here in AZ when we looked into it in 2004-2005. I don't know if it's a problem now. States seem to vary.  I don't know if it varies from social worker to social worker and agency to agency.

 

The child I mentioned in the worst case scenario was placed into foster care in AZ.  The family moved to KY before the adoption was finalized.  The state of KY had all the records from AZ sent to their state offices when the family moved.  They then notified the family of  all the diagnosed problems the state of AZ had records of but never told the foster family at any point. This family never would have accepted placement if they had known his documented history given the age of the children already in the home. They went on to adopt him anyway (which had to happen in AZ-they flew back for the court date.) His behavior got increasingly worse and they could never take their eyes off of him because he was so impulsively violent.  Finally, they gave up their parental rights and gave him to the state of KY.

[HS Mom in NC]

3. I don't know if I can handle giving the baby back, and yet I am not looking to adopt.

 

 

This is different from person to person.  Some people go through a short time of grief then bounce back and others suffer severely.  My husband's favorite aunt did foster care (this was 40 years ago, but human nature hasn't changed in that time) for a Native American child knowing there was absolutely no chance the tribe would allow her, a non tribe member, to adopt the child.  When she had to give the baby back she had such a strong emotional reaction she had to be hospitalized for a nervous break down.

 

She went on to adopt privately two newborns a few year apart.  The oldest, a girl, is doing very well with a lovely family of her own.  She did well in school and had an impressive career before her kids came long.  The younger, a boy has the some of the same psychiatric problems his biological father has-schizophrenia and manic depression. The son has debilitating bouts of depression that have affected his life but are manageable. He's pretty much a hermit except for the occasional family get together.

 

 

 

[Heather in OK]

It definitely needs to be something you feel is an absolute calling on your life and for your family.

 

My mom has been a foster parent for almost 20 years.  There are some really amazing kids in foster care.  But there are also some kids who are really hurting and are still learning how to process what has happened to them.   Having witnessed some of her experiences with children in her home,  I would never even consider it with young children in my home.  

Momling posed some really great questions to consider.  

 

The only other thing I would add (and maybe someone mentioned it already) is to strongly consider not taking a child who is older than your youngest.  

[RebeccaS]

Our family has fostered for almost six years now.  We started when ds 9 was 2 years old.  As many have mentioned already, we kept the birth order.  We are, actually, a foster to adopt home and so we are placed with children that have a higher likelihood of going to adoption to minimize the moving of children from home to home.  Of course, we can always decline to adopt, but in general it is best for the children to make as few moves as possible.

 

I know that there are horror stories out there, but our experiences have been, generally, fine.  We've had the odd social worker who was just really awful, but on the whole we've gotten decent workers and our kids didn't have anything we weren't expecting to deal with.  The oldest child we have ever taken as a placement, though, was just 2.5.  She was also our hardest placement as she had a traumatic head injury that required daily, outpatient day-long therapy.  That was a tiring time for sure.

 

Admittedly, reading some of these posts, I'm shocked.  We've always gotten clothing vouchers with the placement of a child, workers have many times brought us some spare cans of formula to get us started, we've never waited for a check more than about three weeks (we submit a form at the month's end and receive our money for that month within three weeks tops).  I think I am counting my blessings now!  Support from social services is something we've never lacked.

 

Our little guy (G is my siggy) is in permanent custody of the state now and we are in the process of adopting him.  It was totally unexpected as he was placed here as a respite-"just for a few days while we find family for him" and here he is, almost two years later, lol.  I haven't seen his biomom is quite a while, though I did see her weekly at visits when I dropped him off.  I did request a worker transport for him once the school year started to minimize the interruption to our school day and because he was growing increasingly attached to us, we kept it that way (he transitioned better to visits when I didn't bring him when he was older).  Sometimes I do transport and sometimes I don't.  That little 2 year old?  Her mom hated us.  Just hated us.  Social services did not allow her to meet us in any capacity because in her eyes, we were trying to steal her dd (we were never told that she'd stay anyway, so we weren't expecting her to).  I also didn't do transport for the infant triplets we took in for a few months either (I didn't have enough van space and my oldest couldn't be left home alone to make room).  
 

Things are always crazy for the first six weeks while we get things settled.  There is always social worker visits to arrange, visits with bio family, a doctor's check within 48 hours of placement, sometimes therapy, contact with a GAL or CASA and always WIC.  Foster parents are paid the most for infant and toddler care, however, it's still not enough to cover formula and diapers in many cases, especially if the child is on special formula.  WIC is such a blessing for that.

 

How do my kids handle it?  Well, my girls really love having G with us and they are over the moon excited that he's staying forever.  It's been very eye opening for my oldest, very stringent dd.  She has learned a lot about child care and what is "normal" baby/toddler behavior.  Really they all have.  ;)  It is, also, pretty hard on my oldest when the babies leave.  We've had 6 babies in the last 5 years and G is the first one to stay with us (3 of them went home to mom-triplets, 1 went with an aunt and uncle that popped up out of nowhere almost a year into the case, and 1 went to another adoptive home because we were unable to take her three siblings with her and this home was willing to take all four kids).  It's actually really hard on me, too.  I still cry over one little girl.  She went with her siblings, but the adoptive home decided they couldn't handle all four kids after all and they moved them again.  We wanted to adopt her, her social worker wanted her to stay here, but the law said she had to go with siblings if a home was willing-even though her worker said right from the start the family was sure to fail-disrupting her from us because the law said it had to be that way.  Man.  I still miss her something fierce.

 

What I've learned to do:

• Ask LOTS of questions when faced with a placement
• Say NO if I thought the offered placement was not a good fit for us (we've got pretty strict requirements, personally)
• If we take a placement with little/no information on the baby/toddler, I keep asking questions until I'm satisfied I have answers-but at this time, I've not dealt with a deliberately deceitful social worker.  Many, many times they just do not know anything yet and other times Mom is a repeat in the system and so they already have info about mom's history.
• Use respite.  I've used it very sparingly, but it's there if I need it.
• Take a break between each placement to grieve.
• Establish a network of other foster families to chat with, lament with, share with-they get it like no one else does

You definitely need to go into it with your eyes wide open, not hoping to save the world and remember that love is not enough.  Family support can mean a lot.  My in-laws are 100% emotionally supportive (and even financially if it came to that).  My family is not quite the same.  My sister and one sil are very supportive.  My other brother and sil are, I think, ok with it.  My parents have really struggled.  Unfortunately, they subscribe to racial stereotypes and have been forced to deal with this head on as they now have black grandchildren.  I know that it made them uncomfortable and they have done a lot of growing these last five years.  I think they still have more growing room, but they have come a long way and I'm proud of them for that.  It can be hard to temper my conversation with my mom.  I have kept her posted (via email) on our little guy's case and impending adoption and she has not responded at all to those parts of the email.  She and my Dad did not come to the adoption hearing for my other ds, though dh's family came from all over the country for it.  So, take that into consideration-can you deal with your parents not being on board with it?  

 

I feel like this is rambling a bit-I've been coming and going to this post as I deal with kids.  ;)  Good luck with your decision!

[canadianmomtofour]

Our family has fostered for almost six years now. We started when ds 9 was 2 years old. As many have mentioned already, we kept the birth order. We are, actually, a foster to adopt home and so we are placed with children that have a higher likelihood of going to adoption to minimize the moving of children from home to home. Of course, we can always decline to adopt, but in general it is best for the children to make as few moves as possible.

 

I know that there are horror stories out there, but our experiences have been, generally, fine. We've had the odd social worker who was just really awful, but on the whole we've gotten decent workers and our kids didn't have anything we weren't expecting to deal with. The oldest child we have ever taken as a placement, though, was just 2.5. She was also our hardest placement as she had a traumatic head injury that required daily, outpatient day-long therapy. That was a tiring time for sure.

 

Admittedly, reading some of these posts, I'm shocked. We've always gotten clothing vouchers with the placement of a child, workers have many times brought us some spare cans of formula to get us started, we've never waited for a check more than about three weeks (we submit a form at the month's end and receive our money for that month within three weeks tops). I think I am counting my blessings now! Support from social services is something we've never lacked.

 

Our little guy (G is my siggy) is in permanent custody of the state now and we are in the process of adopting him. It was totally unexpected as he was placed here as a respite-"just for a few days while we find family for him" and here he is, almost two years later, lol. I haven't seen his biomom is quite a while, though I did see her weekly at visits when I dropped him off. I did request a worker transport for him once the school year started to minimize the interruption to our school day and because he was growing increasingly attached to us, we kept it that way (he transitioned better to visits when I didn't bring him when he was older). Sometimes I do transport and sometimes I don't. That little 2 year old? Her mom hated us. Just hated us. Social services did not allow her to meet us in any capacity because in her eyes, we were trying to steal her dd (we were never told that she'd stay anyway, so we weren't expecting her to). I also didn't do transport for the infant triplets we took in for a few months either (I didn't have enough van space and my oldest couldn't be left home alone to make room).

 

Things are always crazy for the first six weeks while we get things settled. There is always social worker visits to arrange, visits with bio family, a doctor's check within 48 hours of placement, sometimes therapy, contact with a GAL or CASA and always WIC. Foster parents are paid the most for infant and toddler care, however, it's still not enough to cover formula and diapers in many cases, especially if the child is on special formula. WIC is such a blessing for that.

 

How do my kids handle it? Well, my girls really love having G with us and they are over the moon excited that he's staying forever. It's been very eye opening for my oldest, very stringent dd. She has learned a lot about child care and what is "normal" baby/toddler behavior. Really they all have. ;) It is, also, pretty hard on my oldest when the babies leave. We've had 6 babies in the last 5 years and G is the first one to stay with us (3 of them went home to mom-triplets, 1 went with an aunt and uncle that popped up out of nowhere almost a year into the case, and 1 went to another adoptive home because we were unable to take her three siblings with her and this home was willing to take all four kids). It's actually really hard on me, too. I still cry over one little girl. She went with her siblings, but the adoptive home decided they couldn't handle all four kids after all and they moved them again. We wanted to adopt her, her social worker wanted her to stay here, but the law said she had to go with siblings if a home was willing-even though her worker said right from the start the family was sure to fail-disrupting her from us because the law said it had to be that way. Man. I still miss her something fierce.

 

What I've learned to do:

• Ask LOTS of questions when faced with a placement
• Say NO if I thought the offered placement was not a good fit for us (we've got pretty strict requirements, personally)
• If we take a placement with little/no information on the baby/toddler, I keep asking questions until I'm satisfied I have answers-but at this time, I've not dealt with a deliberately deceitful social worker. Many, many times they just do not know anything yet and other times Mom is a repeat in the system and so they already have info about mom's history.
• Use respite. I've used it very sparingly, but it's there if I need it.
• Take a break between each placement to grieve.
• Establish a network of other foster families to chat with, lament with, share with-they get it like no one else does

You definitely need to go into it with your eyes wide open, not hoping to save the world and remember that love is not enough. Family support can mean a lot. My in-laws are 100% emotionally supportive (and even financially if it came to that). My family is not quite the same. My sister and one sil are very supportive. My other brother and sil are, I think, ok with it. My parents have really struggled. Unfortunately, they subscribe to racial stereotypes and have been forced to deal with this head on as they now have black grandchildren. I know that it made them uncomfortable and they have done a lot of growing these last five years. I think they still have more growing room, but they have come a long way and I'm proud of them for that. It can be hard to temper my conversation with my mom. I have kept her posted (via email) on our little guy's case and impending adoption and she has not responded at all to those parts of the email. She and my Dad did not come to the adoption hearing for my other ds, though dh's family came from all over the country for it. So, take that into consideration-can you deal with your parents not being on board with it?

 

I feel like this is rambling a bit-I've been coming and going to this post as I deal with kids. ;) Good luck with your decision!

No, not rambling at all. Personal experiences are what I want to hear. Thank you for taking the time to post!

[canadianmomtofour]

Wow. I am amazed at the wide range of experiences on this thread! If anything I am more conflicted than ever, but you all have given me so much to think about. In my heart I want to do it, but I need to decide if it's in the best interest of my family right now. Thanks everyone.

[Ravin]

I was the biological child of foster parents. Due to that experience, I would never consider fostering until my own children are AT LEAST older teenagers. Never.

I also grew up with foster siblings in my parents' home, and would love to foster if I had the time and resources.

[Elisabet1]

I lived in a foster home for a year when I was a teen while my dad got his anger issues under control, and it was a nightmare.  If I was ever going to foster, I'd wait until my dd was grown and gone.  The family I was placed with had three bio kids, two teens and a younger kid, and they hated us with a passion.  (I don't know why, because the mom essentially used us foster kids as slave labor to care for her kids and do their homework for them, etc.  There were four of us crammed into one basement bedroom the size of a closet.)  It was miserable.  Not a day went by that her kids didn't scream that they hated us and they wished she'd never started doing foster care.  As you can imagine, we weren't overly fond of them, either.

 

I only have my own experience to go on, of course, and opinions will vary, but with the ages of your kids, I'd wait.

I guess I was lucky. I was an only foster child when I was in foster care. It was a small town, and I was a top student in the high school, graduating top of my class. But I met a lot of other foster kids who had been in terrible foster homes. I should change that, I was an only in my foster home when I was older. I had a fine foster home on a farm when I was younger, but was in with a lot of kids. But, a lot of us were (and I am sharing something I should not) sexually abused by a teen foster boy there. I was in preschool at the time.

 

Sadly, I would not likely take in teen boys, and I would be very picky about who I did take in.

[LMV]

I was the biological child of foster parents. Due to that experience, I would never consider fostering until my own children are AT LEAST older teenagers. Never.

 

I'm truly sorry for your childhood experiences and I completely respect your perspective and opinion.  It is unfortunate that some foster parents end up with placements that they are poorly prepared for, or are not good fits for their family.  Throughout the thread we've discussed some of why this can happen and how to minimize the likelihood of it but I think it is probably impossible to prevent completely and universally.  My husband and I have opted to address this by taking all attempts to pre-screen and really think about a placement fit before we say yes or no.  We also have always taken kids with the view that if we come up against something truly not workable then the best thing we can do for everyone is to disrupt the placement.  We haven't had to do this but we know it's an option and we both believe that there are some situations when it would be the best option.  [Realistically, we're blessed to work through a program that has 24-7-365-366 crisis backup and the caseworker on call can arrange for emergency placement if needed.  Our views on things might be different if we didn't have access to this.]

 

I am also the biological child of foster parents.  My youngest older brother came into our family as a foster child when I was very young.  He's always been there for me and he has been an amazing uncle to my daughters. I will also say that some of the conversations we've had as adults have sometimes given me a better perspective on what our adopted daughter was probably feeling at different times.  I think she sometimes feels a special connection to her uncle for that reason as well. 

[LMV]

Wow. I am amazed at the wide range of experiences on this thread! If anything I am more conflicted than ever, but you all have given me so much to think about. In my heart I want to do it, but I need to decide if it's in the best interest of my family right now. Thanks everyone.

 

I would definitely encourage you to frame this as what is best for your family now.  It's ok if you decide that this isn't right for your family (or perhaps isn't right now).  I wish you clarity with your decision in the upcoming days whatever you decide.  Have blessed holiday season!

[Ottakee]

We just had a worker come by today. She is new so really only knew our family on paper. She said it really helped her understand why some kids would fit in our home but others wouldn't, etc.

 

Things are changing---more slowly in some areas than others---but there can be a lot of support for the foster family.

 

For those that were abused by foster children, I really feel sorry for you. Now days it would (hopefully) be more rare for a foster family to take in both teen age foster boys and preschool foster kids. I know that our agency tries to have families that take in "teen girls" OR "teen boys" or "infants/toddlers" or "school age" etc.

 

In the end you will have to decide if this is the right time for foster care or not for your family. Respite care is also an option to "get your feet wet" but without the longer term commitment. There is just such a desperate need for GOOD foster homes.

[coffeegal]

In the end you will have to decide if this is the right time for foster care or not for your family. Respite care is also an option to "get your feet wet" but without the longer term commitment. There is just such a desperate need for GOOD foster homes.

 

There's also a need for good respite care. The foster family sometimes need a safe place to land children while they travel out of town, and if an emergency occurs and the placement falls through the children need a temporary place while they are replaced. I know the local social workers sometimes really have to scramble to find a temporary place for children while they sort things out. If they can't find a place the children might have to go to a group home which, I was told by a teen, was rather like prison.

 

Respite care might be a good compromise for your family in the immediate. You won't have the long-term commitment, but you would be providing a needed service.

 

[canadianmomtofour]

If I were to start out doing respite care, could I still choose a particular age range? I would still want to stick to the younger than my youngest crowd which I would think would limit the kids I could take quite a bit?

[AimeeM]

Oh we had some amazing placements as well; unfortunately, those do not make up for the bad (which were really bad). The "bad placements" had nothing to do with my parents being ill prepared or the children being simply "bad fits"; the things that happened to us as a result of these placements were worse than anything a "bad placement" would have incurred. In fact, these were often the results of workers directly lying (or omitting information) just to gain the placement. These are children whom, respectfully, had no place in a home with other children or pets - they were dangerous and sincerely disturbed.

(and I know I'll be reamed a new one for that - I'm sure someone will say that every child NEEDS a family placement, but I disagree when the child is so disturbed that they place an immediate and/or serious danger to the family placement; there needs to be a better option for these children - options that do not involve the possibility of others being harmed)

I'm truly sorry for your childhood experiences and I completely respect your perspective and opinion.  It is unfortunate that some foster parents end up with placements that they are poorly prepared for, or are not good fits for their family.  Throughout the thread we've discussed some of why this can happen and how to minimize the likelihood of it but I think it is probably impossible to prevent completely and universally.  My husband and I have opted to address this by taking all attempts to pre-screen and really think about a placement fit before we say yes or no.  We also have always taken kids with the view that if we come up against something truly not workable then the best thing we can do for everyone is to disrupt the placement.  We haven't had to do this but we know it's an option and we both believe that there are some situations when it would be the best option.  [Realistically, we're blessed to work through a program that has 24-7-365-366 crisis backup and the caseworker on call can arrange for emergency placement if needed.  Our views on things might be different if we didn't have access to this.]

 

I am also the biological child of foster parents.  My youngest older brother came into our family as a foster child when I was very young.  He's always been there for me and he has been an amazing uncle to my daughters. I will also say that some of the conversations we've had as adults have sometimes given me a better perspective on what our adopted daughter was probably feeling at different times.  I think she sometimes feels a special connection to her uncle for that reason as well. 

 

[RebeccaS]

Oh we had some amazing placements as well; unfortunately, those do not make up for the bad (which were really bad). The "bad placements" had nothing to do with my parents being ill prepared or the children being simply "bad fits"; the things that happened to us as a result of these placements were worse than anything a "bad placement" would have incurred. In fact, these were often the results of workers directly lying (or omitting information) just to gain the placement. These are children whom, respectfully, had no place in a home with other children or pets - they were dangerous and sincerely disturbed.

(and I know I'll be reamed a new one for that - I'm sure someone will say that every child NEEDS a family placement, but I disagree when the child is so disturbed that they place an immediate and/or serious danger to the family placement; there needs to be a better option for these children - options that do not involve the possibility of others being harmed)

No flames here!  We have to do 20 hours/year of continuing education to keep our license current.  We have taken countless classes on all sorts of subjects.  One thing that comes up frequently is that not every child should be placed with a family.  These are professionals giving the classes.  And they have stressed that some kids just cannot function in a family situation and must not be placed there.  Shame on those social workers for putting the kids there anyway.  It's not fair to the foster family and it's not fair to the kids.  

[Ottakee]

If I were to start out doing respite care, could I still choose a particular age range? I would still want to stick to the younger than my youngest crowd which I would think would limit the kids I could take quite a bit?

I would double check with the agency but here we can always say no to a placement so yes, we can limit our ages. One worker was here today and we are on paper licensed for 0-18, boy or girl, up to 4 kids at a time. In reality, we are really only looking at boys 7-12 with special needs. We chose to have our license be more open in case of extended family emergencies, etc.

[Ottakee]

These are children whom, respectfully, had no place in a home with other children or pets - they were dangerous and sincerely disturbed.

(and I know I'll be reamed a new one for that - I'm sure someone will say that every child NEEDS a family placement, but I disagree when the child is so disturbed that they place an immediate and/or serious danger to the family placement; there needs to be a better option for these children - options that do not involve the possibility of others being harmed)

After 18 years of fostering, I totally agree. Many specialists agree as well. There are kids that need "resource families" where they have someone to come visit them, take them for outings, maybe an overnight over the holidays, etc. but their best placement is in some form of residential treatment center. These kids are not formally adopted (due to the legal issues) but have the family as a sort of mentor, etc. but they don't live with them and likely never will.

 

It is very sad but for some, that really is the best for them and safest for any potential family.