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Am I Crazy? Considering Foster Parenting


canadianmomtofour
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Dh and I have discussed fostering several times throughout our marriage and we've always wanted to do it when the time was right for our family. We feel that now is that time. We have spoken to an agency and got all the paperwork to get started, but now I've got cold feet. Dh is totally on-board, and can't wait to get started. Dh's parents were shocked when we told them, but immediately stated that they would be there for us, and support us in any way we needed. My mother however, is blatantly against it, (or she's doing an excellent job of playing devils advocate.) Whatever it is, she has seriously knocked the confidence out of me. Now I'm thinking that I can't do this. I'm terrified that I am going to put too much stress on me and my family, and I'm going to traumatize my kids with my selfish desire to do this. Can anyone lend me their wisdom on this topic?

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Like the Peace Corps----it will be the hardest thing you ever love.

 

I would though stay with kids younger than 3 or so given you have a 5 year old. Even toddlers can be very street wise and act out things they have seen and heard-----I even had a 15 month old who was telling an elderly lady at the grocery store "F... you".

 

Be realistic as to how much time you have to spend on this as a new placement will likely put most of regular life on hold for about 2 weeks while you work on setting up visits, getting medical care, securing clothing, setting up preschool (most foster kids are required to attend starting at age 3, but not all), coordinating visits with the birth parents, social workers, attending court hearings, etc.

 

Plan on having at least $100 immediately available for extra expenses--diapers, formula (until you can get WIC set up), personal care items, clothing (I have kids arrive with just a diaper and NO clothing and older kids with just the clothes on their backs--no undies, no socks, no jackets, etc) as your first foster care check might not come for 4-6 weeks and I have waited as long as 3 months to get any money for clothing expenses.

 

Make sure your older kids are on board with this as well as the foster child will take a LOT of time and attention....much more than your birth children most likely. They might not sleep well, esp. at first, have tantrums from not understanding what is going on, etc.

 

We have had over 100 foster kids---everything from a 2 day old baby I picked up from the hospital to a 17 year old girl with her 1 year old baby, kids out of juvenile detention, residential treatment centers, from hospitalization, etc.

 

Make sure you have a good support group and talk with other parents in your area to find out which agencies give you the best level of support, etc. Again, the hardest job you ever love.

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Where I am there is a demand for newborn care, so my age group would be 0-3 months. I have no desire to disrupt the natural order of things at home. My concern is that all these babies will be drug or alcohol exposed. I do not want to be so exhausted from this that I shortchange my kids.

 

The reasons I feel I can do it are:

 

1. We are more financially secure than we have ever been.

2. My dh is finally in a position with his company that he can delegate a lot to employees and has a flexible schedule.

3. Formula feedings mean dh can share in the night time work.

4. Dh's parents moved here almost a year ago now, and they are very involved and supportive.

5. We have hit a groove with homeschooling this year, and it's our best year yet.

 

The reasons for not doing it:

 

1. I have kids with special needs, so there is a lot of hand holding through school.

2. I get overwhelmed when sleep deprived.

3. I don't know if I can handle giving the baby back, and yet I am not looking to adopt.

4. I am worried about how my kids will handle getting attached and then having to say goodbye.

5. I am worried about dealing with bio-parents.

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We got our foster parent certification but ended up adopting internationally, so we never had any foster kids in our home.

I suggest you interview as many current foster parents and adult former foster children as possible.  I interviewed about a dozen foster parents and an adult former foster child.  Also, talk to pediatricians and therapists who treat foster children.  If you can talk to school teachers who teach foster kids, that's helpful too. Read up online and in print everything you can about foster parenting-especially medical research.  We did and it was very helpful. Do not go into anything naive or blind.  The more you know, the more effective a foster parent you will be.

 

I also interviewed parents who adopted internationally, adult adoptees, and read everything in print I could find from therapists, medical staff, researchers, cultural experts, and birth parents.

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I would recommend that you really research foster agencies in your area.  Research them, and even ask them if they can provide you with some of their foster parents as references.  Find an agency that will fit with your needs.  Like others have said, I would highly recommend that you stick with babies/toddlers.  You and your husband need to sit down and discuss what you are comfortable with, and feel like you can handle...and then stick to your guns.  It is normal to get a bit of cold feet...even when a child is placed with you, there can be a bit of "Oh my word...what did we do."  It is also normal to get friends and family to try to talk you out of it.  I had a very well meaning friend tell me every horror story she had ever heard.  I also had one set of our parents tell us that we are too old to be starting over--I was 39 :/   I wouldn't say to NOT listen to them, but I would say--take what they say like a grain of salt.  What matter is what you and your husband think would be best for your family.  You know what you can handle. 

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Look into foster respite care (aka longer-term babysitting for foster families). At least in our state its a HUGE need, and a great way to "dip your toes in". When we didn't have a baby in the house, my husband and I have done it, and we plan on it again as soon as youngest gets a bit older. We've watched kids anywhere from over a weekend to over a month while foster families need to leave town, have medical emergencies, ect.

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We've fostered for two years, and my kids were 6 and 5 when we started. My oldest is also special needs (autism). It was a great age to start fostering because they could understand that these kids may go home and they understood really what fostering is. You sound like you have a great support system. Your concerns are pretty realistic as well. So from what I can tell, you seem to be making a pretty rational, informed decision.

 

As far as ages, we started out only taking 0 to 18 months. We ended up with a drug exposed newborn to start, and that ended in adoption. We weren't in fostering to adopt, but we always just said if the oppertunity arose, we would seriously consider it. She is now a lovely 2 year old girl! If you are only willing to take 0 to 3 months in all likelihood you will get placements who were drug exposed. In my experience, (and I know others will have different experiences) the infants we've had who were drug exposed were actually really easy babies. Some of the issues we ran into were developmental delays, mild sensory issues, and some withdrawal symptoms in the beginning. But overall, we've had really easy babies as far as sleeping, eating and routines go!

 

To me it sounds like a great oppertunity for your family. Also, think of how much your children will learn from this experience about the joy of giving and serving!

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If you can do babies or even younger toddlers then it might work well for your family. Babies can be a lot of work but are also very portable in those early months. Yes, chances are high that you will have babies with drug/alcohol exposure, special needs, etc. but the rewards are great as well.

 

Will these be children that the courts removed from their birth parents or will it also be kids whose parents voluntarily released but need a home for a few weeks/months until adoption plans are finalized?

 

Honestly, in fostering over 100 kids we had VERY VERY few ever go home. They went to other birth relatives who were appropriate, their other birth parent, or to adoptive homes. We had a few babies that we could have adopted but decided not to for various reasons but it was great to give them a loving foundation and be able to hand them over to a very excited adoptive family. One of them we had starting at 7 months old and he is now 14 and we get regular updates on him.

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Where I am there is a demand for newborn care, so my age group would be 0-3 months. I have no desire to disrupt the natural order of things at home. My concern is that all these babies will be drug or alcohol exposed. I do not want to be so exhausted from this that I shortchange my kids.

 

The reasons I feel I can do it are:

 

1. We are more financially secure than we have ever been.

2. My dh is finally in a position with his company that he can delegate a lot to employees and has a flexible schedule.

3. Formula feedings mean dh can share in the night time work.

4. Dh's parents moved here almost a year ago now, and they are very involved and supportive.

5. We have hit a groove with homeschooling this year, and it's our best year yet.

 

The reasons for not doing it:

 

1. I have kids with special needs, so there is a lot of hand holding through school.

2. I get overwhelmed when sleep deprived.

3. I don't know if I can handle giving the baby back, and yet I am not looking to adopt.

4. I am worried about how my kids will handle getting attached and then having to say goodbye.

5. I am worried about dealing with bio-parents.

Based on this, I don't think you should do this right now.  What happens if the next school is the year from you know?  Are you prepared on how to deal with that.  What type of special needs are your kids?  Are you prepared mentally/physically/emotionally to handle another possible special needs baby?

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We got our foster parent certification but ended up adopting internationally, so we never had any foster kids in our home.

 

I suggest you interview as many current foster parents and adult former foster children as possible.  I interviewed about a dozen foster parents and an adult former foster child.  Also, talk to pediatricians and therapists who treat foster children.  If you can talk to school teachers who teach foster kids, that's helpful too. Read up online and in print everything you can about foster parenting-especially medical research.  We did and it was very helpful. Do not go into anything naive or blind.  The more you know, the more effective a foster parent you will be.

 

I also interviewed parents who adopted internationally, adult adoptees, and read everything in print I could find from therapists, medical staff, researchers, cultural experts, and birth parents.

This is good advice. I know a couple that have been foster parents for many years,and we plan to get together with them to get the nitty gritty details from their experience. I've been reading anything and everything I can get my hands on. Do you have any recommendations?

 

 

I would recommend that you really research foster agencies in your area.  Research them, and even ask them if they can provide you with some of their foster parents as references.  Find an agency that will fit with your needs.  Like others have said, I would highly recommend that you stick with babies/toddlers.  You and your husband need to sit down and discuss what you are comfortable with, and feel like you can handle...and then stick to your guns.  It is normal to get a bit of cold feet...even when a child is placed with you, there can be a bit of "Oh my word...what did we do."  It is also normal to get friends and family to try to talk you out of it.  I had a very well meaning friend tell me every horror story she had ever heard.  I also had one set of our parents tell us that we are too old to be starting over--I was 39 :/   I wouldn't say to NOT listen to them, but I would say--take what they say like a grain of salt.  What matter is what you and your husband think would be best for your family.  You know what you can handle.

 

 

This is good advice too. I hadn't thought to ask the agency for references.

 

 

We've fostered for two years, and my kids were 6 and 5 when we started. My oldest is also special needs (autism). It was a great age to start fostering because they could understand that these kids may go home and they understood really what fostering is. You sound like you have a great support system. Your concerns are pretty realistic as well. So from what I can tell, you seem to be making a pretty rational, informed decision.

 

As far as ages, we started out only taking 0 to 18 months. We ended up with a drug exposed newborn to start, and that ended in adoption. We weren't in fostering to adopt, but we always just said if the oppertunity arose, we would seriously consider it. She is now a lovely 2 year old girl! If you are only willing to take 0 to 3 months in all likelihood you will get placements who were drug exposed. In my experience, (and I know others will have different experiences) the infants we've had who were drug exposed were actually really easy babies. Some of the issues we ran into were developmental delays, mild sensory issues, and some withdrawal symptoms in the beginning. But overall, we've had really easy babies as far as sleeping, eating and routines go!

 

To me it sounds like a great oppertunity for your family. Also, think of how much your children will learn from this experience about the joy of giving and serving!

 

Thank you for posting your experience. My oldest also has autism, and I worry about him the most.

 

 

If you can do babies or even younger toddlers then it might work well for your family. Babies can be a lot of work but are also very portable in those early months. Yes, chances are high that you will have babies with drug/alcohol exposure, special needs, etc. but the rewards are great as well.

 

Will these be children that the courts removed from their birth parents or will it also be kids whose parents voluntarily released but need a home for a few weeks/months until adoption plans are finalized?

 

Honestly, in fostering over 100 kids we had VERY VERY few ever go home. They went to other birth relatives who were appropriate, their other birth parent, or to adoptive homes. We had a few babies that we could have adopted but decided not to for various reasons but it was great to give them a loving foundation and be able to hand them over to a very excited adoptive family. One of them we had starting at 7 months old and he is now 14 and we get regular updates on him.

Here if a mother tests positive for drugs in the hospital, baby is automatically removed. Then if mom is working the steps, baby will go home. However, the impression I got from the social worker was that these babies usually remain in care their whole lives.

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I was the biological child of foster parents. Due to that experience, I would never consider fostering until my own children are AT LEAST older teenagers. Never.

Aimee---if you feel OK sharing on a forum, I would like to know why. As a foster parent who adopted 3 kids through foster care and then did more fostering I would love to hear about your experiences and why you would not suggest it. If you don't feel comfortable, I totally understand.

 

Would your feelings apply to someone taking in a newborn?

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I am soooo listening in on this conversation.  We have been in process of adopting overseas for the second time and it did not go well - now we are facing the decision to try again overseas, just quit, or try to adopt domestically thru fostering.  There is a baby boy here that a family is fostering and we are wondering if we should go through the process and try to adopt him, but I'm scared.  Excited... but scared.

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Feel free to correct me people, but unlike adoption, fostering is temporary/at will, no?  (I know that adoption is "at will" for starters, but I think of it as a permanent decision).  So what's the worst case scenario (in this particular situation, where the op is planning to take infant placements)?  You get certified, you take a placement, it's not good for your family, you quit.  I mean, I would hope that you would see the first placement through to a natural ending point, but if one really needed to, could they not just move the baby to a new family?

 

Personally, I see potentially awesome things that could come from moving forward with it.  Right now it's all speculation.  You could be amazing foster parents, who love on kids, and whose family is better for it.  Or it could be too great of a strain, at least at this stage in your family.  I don't think you'll know unless you try!  

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Aimee---if you feel OK sharing on a forum, I would like to know why. As a foster parent who adopted 3 kids through foster care and then did more fostering I would love to hear about your experiences and why you would not suggest it. If you don't feel comfortable, I totally understand.

 

Would your feelings apply to someone taking in a newborn?

 

My feelings absolutely would not extend to infants/newborns, and it's necessary to mention that my experience obviously took place over 20 years ago.

 

One of my sisters was s*xually abused by a teenage boy who had been assaulted himself, despite my father specifying no such children were to be placed with him, as he had 3 young daughters at home. It seems that when they were desperate to make a placement, wishes by the foster parents were disregarded. I'll never forget that one - my father marched him a mile in a blizzard, called the DSS/caseworker office from a gas station, and told them that if they didn't come get the boy, the results wouldn't be pretty.

 

Family pets were killed by some very disturbed children.

 

Balance in the home was almost impossible to come by given the random times the children would be brought to us, and oft times the severity of the abuse/neglect was such that my parents would spend the entire night calming nightmares, while we would hear screams from their night terrors; seeing children brought directly to the home from the bio home, when sometimes the children were so filthy that their s*x wasn't immediately known to my parents; watching the children's heartbreak with bio parent didn't show for yet another visitation.

As an adult, I feel that oft times mine and my sisters' needs/wants were put far on the back burner to care for the many children they often had at any given time. I feel selfish saying that, sincerely, but I would never want my children to go through feeling like that. I know that these children had needs that extended far beyond what *I* needed.... but I need them (my parents) too.

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I grew up in foster care. It is extremely hard to be a foster child. I plan to be a foster parent some day. Turns out, 2 of the women on my street grew up in foster care too. We live in an upscale north Dallas neighborhood now. But, when we got to talking, we know all too well the sting of feeling unwanted and like someone's burden.

 

So would I be a foster parent? the answer is YES!! And to those who think so poorly of foster kids that they would tell you not to do it, their bad attitude is a reflection of them. Don't let a CHILD (even if it is a teen, that is still a child) who needs you miss out on you, because of some adult naysayer. 

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I hate to say this, but we had a horrendous experience fostering.  The social worker flat-out lied to us. We had no support from DSHS, just lies and accusations.  

 

We won't do it again.  

 

:(

 

Both my husband and I were adopted -- he was even in foster care -- so we had really wanted to do this.  But we will not involve our family with DSHS again.

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I grew up in foster care. It is extremely hard to be a foster child. I plan to be a foster parent some day. Turns out, 2 of the women on my street grew up in foster care too. We live in an upscale north Dallas neighborhood now. But, when we got to talking, we know all too well the sting of feeling unwanted and like someone's burden.

 

So would I be a foster parent? the answer is YES!! And to those who think so poorly of foster kids that they would tell you not to do it, their bad attitude is a reflection of them. Don't let a CHILD (even if it is a teen, that is still a child) who needs you miss out on you, because of some adult naysayer. 

 

Some of us naysayers are absolutely qualified, having been in the homes ourselves, to speak against it, when the OP specifically asks for such information. Are you suggesting she go in blind?

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My feelings absolutely would not extend to infants/newborns, and it's necessary to mention that my experience obviously took place over 20 years ago.

 

One of my sisters was s*xually abused by a teenage boy who had been assaulted himself, despite my father specifying no such children were to be placed with him, as he had 3 young daughters at home. It seems that when they were desperate to make a placement, wishes by the foster parents were disregarded. I'll never forget that one - my father marched him a mile in a blizzard, called the DSS/caseworker office from a gas station, and told them that if they didn't come get the boy, the results wouldn't be pretty.

 

Family pets were killed by some very disturbed children.

 

Balance in the home was almost impossible to come by given the random times the children would be brought to us, and oft times the severity of the abuse/neglect was such that my parents would spend the entire night calming nightmares, while we would hear screams from their night terrors; seeing children brought directly to the home from the bio home, when sometimes the children were so filthy that their s*x wasn't immediately known to my parents; watching the children's heartbreak with bio parent didn't show for yet another visitation.

As an adult, I feel that oft times mine and my sisters' needs/wants were put far on the back burner to care for the many children they often had at any given time. I feel selfish saying that, sincerely, but I would never want my children to go through feeling like that. I know that these children had needs that extended far beyond what *I* needed.... but I need them (my parents) too.

 

 

I hate to say this, but we had a horrendous experience fostering.  The social worker flat-out lied to us. We had no support from DSHS, just lies and accusations.  

 

We won't do it again.  

 

:(

 

Both my husband and I were adopted -- he was even in foster care -- so we had really wanted to do this.  But we will not involve our family with DSHS again.

 

I have heard this several times from friends.  

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You really might want to check and see if there is really a need for foster for the infants.  Sadly, that may be a line and not true.  I know a few who have been told that and come to find out it wasn't the case.

 

This. Although quite some time ago, I have to say that I *never* remember my parents receiving a newborn. That could have been at their request, but I have a hard time seeing that, as they seemed to get a range of ages otherwise.

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Aimee---thanks for sharing. We have turned down many many kids as it would not be a good fit for our family. We just fostered a 12 year old boy for 6 months after his birth mother passed away unexpectedly. He though was a "little boy" in mentality and had no acting out behaviors. That worked. With our girls, esp. considering they are very tiny and have special needs, we are SUPER DUPER cautious about any child that comes into the house.

 

There is such a balance needed here. I FULLY agree with those that say these kids need homes, especially loving, caring experienced homes. Just because they are in foster care does not make them "bad" kids. On the flip side, if you have other children in the house you need to be VERY VERY careful about bringing in other children with troubled pasts. Even young toddlers can be very physically aggressive, act out S*xually, etc. Older kids can have even more troubling behaviors. SOme dont' though. The problem is that often when the kids are picked up by DHS there is VERY little known about the child so many workers can just give you the bbasics---age and gender and name. I have even had it where they had 2 little boys but had found them wandering the street so didn't know exact ages or names at first. There are workers that will fail to tell you everything as they are desperate to place these kids and just need a family to say yes.

 

What foster care really needs is the young, active empty nesters to be foster parents---those people in their later 40s and 50s who don't have younger children in the home---esp. for teenagers.

 

As to babies. In our area, they tell you DO NOT sign up to do foster care if you want only 0-6 years old............yet over 75% of my kids were under 3 and most under 6. There are babies out there in our area but they also have a huge need for placements for school age kids and teens.

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We adopted our kids through foster care, so until we finalized, we fostered them. I would like to do straight foster care after our kids are grown up, but we'll see. I don't think you're crazy, but it does take a lot of consideration. The system itself is crazy and maddening. There are so many rules and regulations (at least here) and the paperwork is enough to drive you nuts. Some social workers are wonderful, some are horrible and you are at their mercy. And some kids will be wonderful, some are terribly hurt and will take it out on you. And your disciplinary options are limited. I would encourage you, there is a great need for foster parents who are in there for the love of the kids and not for $$, but I would also say to look at it carefully.

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When we took our fostering classes, one of the meetings was specifically to meet current foster parents.  A time to ask *anything*... It was helpful.  We heard some crazy stories, and still wanted to do it.

 

Have you taken a class yet?  I think a lot of questions and concerns are answered during that time, and you can solidify your feelings while you learn.

 

I would not hesitate to foster, if we had more room.  We took the classes twice - once as part of our adoptive parent training (foster and adoption classes were combined at the time)... and when we did it that first time we knew we wanted to foster next. The next time, we took foster-only classes, planning to foster-adopt, knowing the risks.  In our case, we brought our DD home from the hospital and she's been with us ever since - it went straight to adoption.  One of the only adoptions like this our DSS has done, and we'd never have dreamed it possible.  So we *still* haven't fostered in the way we planned... and as soon as we have more room, we'll do it.  It's something both DH and I want to do, for many reasons.

 

FWIW, in our area, there are quite a few infants needing foster care, too, on a regular basis.  In fact, while our placement was going through  there were at least 2 more in a 2 month period - that I know of.  

 

I think respite care is a great option, too.  Maybe that would be a good option to try as well?  Lots of people start that way.  :)

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I agree there has to be a balance. I know some families who take on these really medically fragile kids several at a time and are just overloaded. I do wonder how their bio kids feel about that. For us, we will only take 1 child at a time, and we have very specific issues that we aren't willing to take (for instance, we don't take children who have been s*xually abused, aggressive children or children who have HIV/AIDs). Not that those kids are any less deserving of a loving home, but we know our home isn't the best place for them. I feel strongly that foster parents have to be willing to say no to a placement, both for their own family's sake and the sake of the foster child who deserves a foster family who can meet his or her unique needs.

 

Naysayers do have a point, both about there needing to be balance there and also about DHS "lying" to you, etc. The system is flawed. It is. That's something that for those who really have a heart to foster have to accept and work around. Everyone in the family needs to be on board with it, even the kids. And those who think foster care won't interrupt your regular life are mistaken. It absolutely will interrupt your life on some level, but if it's something you really want to do to serve your community, the interruptions are worth it.

 

There is such a huge need for foster care. I'm in OK...we also have a huge influx of infants in the system right now. Actually there are agencies here who deal only with 0 to 3 and there are always placements available.

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I think that fostering is a great thing to do.  But I personally think your children are too young and the foster children will be taking time away from what you should be doing with them or for your family.  JMHO.

 

 

I completely disagree, and would be happy to answer any questions or concerns you might have regarding our experience. We have been fostering for over 4 years, we started when my kids were 2 and 3. I am not going to lie and say that it has all been easy and all roses, it hasnt in the least. But, I can say that the blessings we have gained have all been far worth what we have put into it. My kids have learned so much that I dont think they would have learned any other way...how the world doesnt revolve around them, to show love for the needy, etc. Never have I felt like I have sacrificed anything or taken away from my own children becuase we had foster children in our home, quite the contrary, I wouldnt take any of it back for a minute.

 

Edited to add: we have always tried to keep the "birth order" and only accept children younger than our own which I think is important. We have always had newborns or very young babies and their toddler siblings. We have been open for over 4 yars and have never been empty for long.  

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Coming at it from a somewhat different view, I worked for my state CPS for six years. I was also a licensed foster parent for a short time.

 

Our area did have a need for infant care, but always preferred a home that was open to adoption if it became available. We live in an area that is higher cost of living than most of our surrounding area, which meant many households had two working parents and the per diem didn't cover daycare costs, many daycares in our area have waiting lists, and no daycare will take an infant under six weeks old. It was more difficult to find families who could drop everything to accept a newborn on no notice because of these factors. However, since that newborn was going to be bonding to the foster parents as primary caregivers, it was always our preference to choose homes that would minimize any chance of moving. We would more likely look outside of our immediate area for a home than place in a home not open to adoption. We would frequently place older kids in a local home, especially so as to not disrupt school, knowing that if the home wasn't open to adoption we could have the time to seek a great home.

 

Accepting very young infants means you will NEVER have notice. Older kids sometimes move from one home to another, and we typically had some notice regarding that and could seek out great matches. But infants rarely change homes, so when CPS worker calls you, it's because that child is already legally detained and in their arms and we want to know if you can pick the child up or if we need to deliver him to you. People were amazed by the amount of disruption to their lives - visits with bio parents may happen once a week or they may happen daily, and you will be expected to schedule around it. Not usually at under 3 months, but by 6-12 months, needs for PT and OT are much more common among foster kids than the general population, and that adds more appointments and time.

 

There will be classes to become licensed. Take the classes. It is eye opening for many people. At least 1/3 of people who took classes never finished the licensing process because they figured out it was not for them.

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I lived in a foster home for a year when I was a teen while my dad got his anger issues under control, and it was a nightmare.  If I was ever going to foster, I'd wait until my dd was grown and gone.  The family I was placed with had three bio kids, two teens and a younger kid, and they hated us with a passion.  (I don't know why, because the mom essentially used us foster kids as slave labor to care for her kids and do their homework for them, etc.  There were four of us crammed into one basement bedroom the size of a closet.)  It was miserable.  Not a day went by that her kids didn't scream that they hated us and they wished she'd never started doing foster care.  As you can imagine, we weren't overly fond of them, either.

 

I only have my own experience to go on, of course, and opinions will vary, but with the ages of your kids, I'd wait.

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Feel free to correct me people, but unlike adoption, fostering is temporary/at will, no?  (I know that adoption is "at will" for starters, but I think of it as a permanent decision).  So what's the worst case scenario (in this particular situation, where the op is planning to take infant placements)?  You get certified, you take a placement, it's not good for your family, you quit.  I mean, I would hope that you would see the first placement through to a natural ending point, but if one really needed to, could they not just move the baby to a new family?

 

No, that's not the worst case scenario.  I knew a family (a very close friend)  that had 4 kids early to late elementary aged.  They fostered a child from 4-5 years old.  They adopted him.  A year or so later he tried to kill one of the other children and was so violent the older kids slept with baseball bats in case he attacked them in their sleep.  They ended up returning him to the state they lived in at the time.  It wasn't the state that placed him.  It destroyed the mom emotionally to give a child back. The other kids suffered psychologically even after he left from because they had been in such a dangerous situation.

 

I also interviewed foster parents whose foster kids raped other children in the home.  The youngest was 6 and he was trying to rape a 2 year old when the foster mom interrupted them.

 

 

Personally, I see potentially awesome things that could come from moving forward with it.  Right now it's all speculation.  You could be amazing foster parents, who love on kids, and whose family is better for it.  Or it could be too great of a strain, at least at this stage in your family.  I don't think you'll know unless you try!  

 

 

 

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Sleep deprivation is something you can expect with traumatized children. Most foster kids fit the definition of traumatized children.  My youngest (adopted from S. Korea at 7 mos. old) had severe sleep issues for a year.  She had moderate sleep issues for another year. We were told by our agency that if we weren't willing to deal with sleep issues for 10 years like the attachment therapist who ran the agency did with her son adopted at 8 months old, then it wasn't for us. The severe separation anxiety she had was really tough on everyone.  She clung to me and screamed a whole lot the first year.

When you have a child who has night terrors, can't sleep for more than and hour and a half at a time for months, life is really hard.  And my kid came from the best possible environment-placed with a high quality foster family at 2 days old, worn all day, fed on demand, and doted on all day for 7 months.  When she came here, she went through the grieving process for her foster mother. It was heart wrenching and incredibly difficult to watch while still homeschooling my bio kids who were 7 and 9.

Would I do it all over again knowing what I know now?  Yes.  Did we go on to adopt another one while my husband was still in the age range?  No.  She required too much to throw another kid into the mix.

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Can I ask why?

 

Of course. Here's part of our story. From a very young age I had it in my mind that I was destined to adopt and be a foster parent. My husband and I looked into for a long time and we were finally in a position where it seemed like it was a good time to get the training. At this point our children were 3 and 5. Our intention was to find a child or sibling group that we could foster to adopt. We got the training, we prepared our home, we prepared our children the best we could. We were educated and ready, but NOTHING can prepare you for the the reality of the foster care system. I got my degree in social work, but I still wasn't prepared. My husband and I were very lucky we didn't completely fall apart after what we experienced with the foster children who were in our home. Yes, we wanted babies and young children based on the ages of our children, but be prepared for the calls for the older children anyway. Call after call for teenage respite and placement. There are things that no amount of love and kindness or medication and therapy can fix in these children. And I regret turning our home upside because I wanted to "save" these children. If I could go back and do this all over again I would wait until my children were grown and out of the house and then foster. But now that I have experienced the pain of the foster care system I won't ever go back to fostering even when my children are grown. I know that this seems heartless, but my children are my life and I was very close to damaging them because I wanted to "save" someone elses children. That's not right and I would never do it again. 

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As a former foster parent I would never under any circumstances recommend fostering to anyone who already has children in the home. No matter the age of your children or the foster children. 

 

I tend to agree with this.

 

In our situation, the social worker flat-out lied to us.  Told us the newborn had no special needs of any kind.  That was absolutely false.  We didn't know of the needs, so didn't provide for them.  We were then threatened with CPS involvement when the poor little guy had medical issues which we had "neglected." 

 

CPS could have removed our bio children.

 

We just do not trust DSHS.

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Of course. Here's part of our story. From a very young age I had it in my mind that I was destined to adopt and be a foster parent. My husband and I looked into for a long time and we were finally in a position where it seemed like it was a good time to get the training. At this point our children were 3 and 5. Our intention was to find a child or sibling group that we could foster to adopt. We got the training, we prepared our home, we prepared our children the best we could. We were educated and ready, but NOTHING can prepare you for the the reality of the foster care system. I got my degree in social work, but I still wasn't prepared. My husband and I were very lucky we didn't completely fall apart after what we experienced with the foster children who were in our home. Yes, we wanted babies and young children based on the ages of our children, but be prepared for the calls for the older children anyway. Call after call for teenage respite and placement. There are things that no amount of love and kindness or medication and therapy can fix in these children. And I regret turning our home upside because I wanted to "save" these children. If I could go back and do this all over again I would wait until my children were grown and out of the house and then foster. But now that I have experienced the pain of the foster care system I won't ever go back to fostering even when my children are grown. I know that this seems heartless, but my children are my life and I was very close to damaging them because I wanted to "save" someone elses children. That's not right and I would never do it again.

 

  

I tend to agree with this.

 

In our situation, the social worker flat-out lied to us.  Told us the newborn had no special needs of any kind.  That was absolutely false.  We didn't know of the needs, so didn't provide for them.  We were then threatened with CPS involvement when the poor little guy had medical issues which we had "neglected." 

 

CPS could have removed our bio children.

 

We just do not trust DSHS.

Thank you both for your honesty. I need to hear these stories.

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Thank you both for your honesty. I need to hear these stories.

I sometimes feel reluctant to share our story -- especially given that my dh and I were both adopted.  But, it happened.

 

 As in any field, there are some really lousy social workers.  The thing is, the stakes are SO high -- especially if your own children are involved.  I literally feel a little bit sick just thinking about what happened with us and our little foster baby.  :(

 

So, if we ever do it again it'll be after our boys are grown.  

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With infants you will be mostly dealing with bio parent visits---depending on the judge/situation it could be several times a week and if mom and dad aren't together it could be several visits a week for EACH of them. Then there is the drug/alcohol exposure and likely sleep loss as the child detoxes and goes through withdrawals. Then many of the kids need way more doctor's appointments than a normal child and everything must be documented. Add in possible physical/occupational/speech/feeding therapy, etc. and you could easily be running every day of the week to one or more appointments. My youngest was hospitalized 5 times by 3 months old as well.

 

It can be super rewarding but again, be very cautious. We were VERY specific about NOT taking in children who had acted out with other kids. Well, "what about a 13 year old boy who raped his sister and set a shed on fire?" NO, not with younger girls in the house. "what about this boy who molested his younger cousin more than once?" NO "what about the teen boy who went after the last foster mom with a baseball bat?" NO. You WILL get asked to take on older kids, more kids than you want at a time, kids with more needs, etc. You need the ability to say NO and stick to your guns.

 

What I would like to see more of, esp. for the kids who are a bit older, are better paid "house/foster parents" where each child has their own bedroom and there is enough support so that BOTH of the foster parents can be home full time (with medical insurance for the foster parents too). I know that some would take advantage and "live" off the system but it would be a great way to keep sibling groups together where other foster families couldn't do it. That would allow the foster parents some regroup time while the kids were in school and yet allow them to take the kids to all of the therapy/counseling/visits/medical appointments/school stuff, etc. without major burn out. We just got called on a sibling group of 4 ages 3-13. If my dh could be home full time and we didn't have the girls at home we could have done it. Me doing it while dh is at work all day would never work.

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Where I am there is a demand for newborn care, so my age group would be 0-3 months. I have no desire to disrupt the natural order of things at home. My concern is that all these babies will be drug or alcohol exposed. I do not want to be so exhausted from this that I shortchange my kids.

 

The reasons I feel I can do it are:

 

1. We are more financially secure than we have ever been.

2. My dh is finally in a position with his company that he can delegate a lot to employees and has a flexible schedule.

3. Formula feedings mean dh can share in the night time work.

4. Dh's parents moved here almost a year ago now, and they are very involved and supportive.

5. We have hit a groove with homeschooling this year, and it's our best year yet.

 

The reasons for not doing it:

 

1. I have kids with special needs, so there is a lot of hand holding through school.

2. I get overwhelmed when sleep deprived.

3. I don't know if I can handle giving the baby back, and yet I am not looking to adopt.

4. I am worried about how my kids will handle getting attached and then having to say goodbye.

5. I am worried about dealing with bio-parents.

 

Given the first 3 reasons not to do it that you've listed, if I were doing the home study, I would be concerned. The agency may or may not be good in helping you think through whether it's the best time for you. On the one hand, they will not want a disrupted placement; on the other hand, if they are desperate for homes for infants, that desperation can cause them to overlook yellow lights that would otherwise tell them to slow it down.  So if you want help in making the decision, talk it through with a counselor who does not have a a conflict of interest.

 

Your kids are old enough to get attached and let go without psychological harm; however, for all of you, there will be pain. It's not avoidable. If you attach to the baby like the baby needs, then it will hurt to say good-bye. If you protect yourself by not bonding, then the infant doesn't get as much of what s/he needs.

 

Agencies often have visitation on neutral ground and often with a worker present. You may or may not even be there during the visitation. I would ask the worker how this works in your area. All agencies will be protecting the foster parents' safety.

 

 

 

 

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Another thing to consider is that when you become a foster parent, you not only add the child to your family, you add the agency to your family. This can have tremendous impact. They are making the decisions; you have the responsibility for carrying out those decisions whether you agree or not. Your care of your own children can come under scrutiny. There are some real jewels of CPS workers; there are others with issues of their own who keep replaying those with their interaction with bio & foster families. Issues of control, especially, seem common. Your family is no longer a private family. A social worker "lives" with you in spirit, influencing your family dynamics.

 

It is still wonderful for the many dedicated families who do this, but I would be very hesitant since you have doubts. Personally, I would wait in your situation.

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My husband originally explored therapeutic foster care because it was the easier way for his godson (who also happened to be one of his son's best friends) to legally live with our family after his father's death. Now we do therapeutic care as well as emergency placements for medically fragile children and some medical respite. We've been blessed to foster through a program that offers a lot in terms of training and skills enhancement and has a comprehensive program which includes built in respite and a crisis response team.  We've also been blessed with full disclosure and competent caseworkers.  When we've turned down a placement because it didn't sound like a good fit or because we just didn't feel we were in a good position to add another child that has always been respected.  

Our children currently at home are a mix of foster, adopted, and biological. Our biological daughters are just turned eighteen (and now a college freshman), just turned four, and fourteen months. We finally (after she had been in our home for almost four years) adopted our daughter who just turned fourteen.  We also have two foster daughters who are nine and five.  They are   full biological siblings who were originally placed in a foster adopt home when the younger child was an infant.  That arrangement was a poor fit for the older child which led to us taking her as a medical respite placement starting in summer/fall 2011.  She was abandoned at our home after a respite placement over a year ago and we've had her ever since.  Initially her foster parents fled the state with her little sister but they were located right before Valentine's Day and we agreed to take the younger child so the girls could stay together. The transition period into our home was very rough for the younger child but she has made some real progress and we've reached a point where she has started to connect and attach so we're working towards adoption of both girls.  

 

Overall our journey has been challenging but it has also been rewarding and we have managed to make it work for our family.  I do think that some of our experience has been influenced by the organization we have worked through.  We have not had the lack of disclosure others have mentioned and I am sure that would have adversely impacted us.  We've also been blessed to have a lot of family support on both sides of the family and that has certainly bolstered us as well. If I was advising you, I would advise you to look further into these aspects as they relate to your particular family.  My husband and I have always looked at each situation individually and taken a little time to think about whether we're in a position to try.  If we decide that we are then we go into the situation with our eyes wide open and have a back up plan.  We pay a lot of attention to how our family is functioning on the day to day basis and overall. This has worked for us but I'm sure that some of that has been because we've worked through an organization that respects our judgment and our commitment to our family. 

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With infants you will be mostly dealing with bio parent visits---depending on the judge/situation it could be several times a week and if mom and dad aren't together it could be several visits a week for EACH of them. Then there is the drug/alcohol exposure and likely sleep loss as the child detoxes and goes through withdrawals. Then many of the kids need way more doctor's appointments than a normal child and everything must be documented. Add in possible physical/occupational/speech/feeding therapy, etc. and you could easily be running every day of the week to one or more appointments. My youngest was hospitalized 5 times by 3 months old as well.

 

It can be super rewarding but again, be very cautious. We were VERY specific about NOT taking in children who had acted out with other kids. Well, "what about a 13 year old boy who raped his sister and set a shed on fire?" NO, not with younger girls in the house. "what about this boy who molested his younger cousin more than once?" NO "what about the teen boy who went after the last foster mom with a baseball bat?" NO. You WILL get asked to take on older kids, more kids than you want at a time, kids with more needs, etc. You need the ability to say NO and stick to your guns.

 

What I would like to see more of, esp. for the kids who are a bit older, are better paid "house/foster parents" where each child has their own bedroom and there is enough support so that BOTH of the foster parents can be home full time (with medical insurance for the foster parents too). I know that some would take advantage and "live" off the system but it would be a great way to keep sibling groups together where other foster families couldn't do it. That would allow the foster parents some regroup time while the kids were in school and yet allow them to take the kids to all of the therapy/counseling/visits/medical appointments/school stuff, etc. without major burn out. We just got called on a sibling group of 4 ages 3-13. If my dh could be home full time and we didn't have the girls at home we could have done it. Me doing it while dh is at work all day would never work.

I think your post brings up the issue of full disclosure and trusting that you're getting it.  This has always been our experience but it seems that most of the posts from former foster parents who had bad experiences trace back to a root cause of poor/limited disclosure.  I realize that caseworkers are often overworked, underpaid, and desperate to place and all of this can create a situation where poor disclosure is accepted.  Unfortunately this is a problem in some areas.

 

We definitely would not have been able to foster the kids we have had if one of us wasn't home at all times.  This was a decision that we made for own children before we started fostering and we've been fortunate that both DH and I are in careers that would support a large a family on a single income if it came to that (and over the years there have been a few periods where it has all but come to that---when our oldest was sick I worked two twelve hour Saturday shifts a month so, yes, I was technically working part time but there was much emphasis on the "part" aspect).  We've managed to work it so we both work a little less than full time and shift our schedules so someone can be home.  I'm an EM physician so there can be some flexibility with shift scheduling which has helped.  Because we do trade off on primary child rearing I think we both are less prone to burn out and we also both have good understandings of what is going on at home.  We're both in a good position to come up with creative solutions which we often joke about but we have seen it play out positively as well. We also both bring slightly different skill sets and approaches to parenting, overall we're complementary but I do think our kids benefit from having both of us as primary care givers at different times. 

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I grew up in foster care. It is extremely hard to be a foster child. I plan to be a foster parent some day. Turns out, 2 of the women on my street grew up in foster care too. We live in an upscale north Dallas neighborhood now. But, when we got to talking, we know all too well the sting of feeling unwanted and like someone's burden.

 

So would I be a foster parent? the answer is YES!! And to those who think so poorly of foster kids that they would tell you not to do it, their bad attitude is a reflection of them. Don't let a CHILD (even if it is a teen, that is still a child) who needs you miss out on you, because of some adult naysayer. 

 

Hugs! I really think that the key is for potential foster parents to take an honest look at their strengths and limitations and then look at their current family's needs and then look at how an individual child fits in and meshes into that family (or perhaps how a child just wouldn't, which isn't in anyway implying the child is defective just that the family isn't a good fit for them).  The daughter we just adopted this summer had just turned ten when we met her.  We did a lot of examining and praying before we told the caseworker we felt we had to try.  I had just given birth to our then youngest the month before and I wasn't sure how a newborn and a very medically fragile child would be possible.  [incidentally, in retrospect I think it was probably easier to do when our youngest was a few months old and still sleeping for significant chunks of the day than it would have been a year later when she was a bright exploring toddler who needed a lot of direct supervision.]  My husband and I are very glad that we did try.  At this point, we can't imagine our lives without our daughter, she is just as much ours and just as much part of our family as if I had given birth to her.  

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It's clear that there are many different experiences, but I just wanted to chime in that a) you won't necessarily have to transport or be there for visitation. We aren't with our current placement, who is 3 months old. I made it a stipulation of placement that I won't transport for visits and was told that I don't HAVE to do visits if I don't want to. A social worker or case aid can transport;( b ) we have never gotten calls for older kids or kids who had situations we had already said we won't take. I think I see that happening alot with those who work directly with DHS rather than through a placing agency, plus you always have the right to say no to a potential placement; c) for your age range, therapy will be in home, so I wouldn't worry about that taking up alot of time, and also case aids can transport for doctors appointments or you can get reimbursed for your travel expenses. My point isn't to say other's experiences aren't true, but to point out that others, including myself have had completely opposite experiences with fostering.

 

Also, your concerns are very normal. I wouldn't let them stop you from fostering. What kind of foster parent wouldn't worry about having to let go of a child they have grown to love? That's actually a really good sign that you would be a loving foster parent. And who doesn't get overwhelmed when sleep deprived?! Totally normal. Bio parents are a real concern. Some are very agreeable, some aren't. You can limit your contact with them if they are aggressive or you feel unsafe. Your kids may grieve a little, but they are big enough to understand the situation. And actually, having a kid with special needs will allow you to understand some of what these kids go through (sensory issues, tantrums, attachment/social issues). Also for your age range, you really don't need to be concerned with problematic behaviors. Good luck however you decide!

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