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So, we told MIL that I'm pregnant...

Kathryn

By Kathryn,
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Kathryn

Kathryn

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And that it's a girl. She's no longer speaking to us. She said we got to name our last two kids so she gets to name this one and she will name it [HerMaidenName, which is not a name]. DH said no. She tried to convince him and then said she's just too sad and can't talk to him anymore. She won't pick up the phone or respond to his texts. WTF?

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AK_Mom4

AK_Mom4

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:grouphug: Kathryn :grouphug:  

 

Here - I'll say all the things your dear MIL should have said:

 

Congratulations on the baby!  Oh that's wonderful!  A little girl - Fantastic!  She will be so spoiled by those wonderful older brothers!  I am sure you and DH will pick a beautiful name.  Congratulations again!

 

 

Congratulations!  Woohoo!

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Ewe Mama

Ewe Mama

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Oh my goodness. She is your child. You get to name her. End of story.

 

Time to say, "Suck it up, Buttercup" to Granny.

 

But truthfully, it doesn't sound as though MIL's self -imposed boundary of not talking to you guys anymore would be such a bad thing.

 

Congratulations on your baby girl bean!

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HRAAB

HRAAB

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I guess she's serious since she isn't answering your calls  Good heavens, has she always been that crazy?  That is beyond anything reasonable.  I am sorry she is acting that way - must not be easy for your dh.

 

On the other hand, thank you for making my mil seem a little bit saner.  Considering all the lines she crossed, she never went so far as to assume she got to name our children.

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CJVW

CJVW

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My mom named my son. I was nineteen and still unaware of how manipulative she is. I haven't spoken to her in nine years.

 

My first and middle name are both my paternal great-grandmother's maiden names. Very unusual, but I love it... even being estranged from my parents.

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Pippen

Pippen

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Has she always been like this or is this a new behavior? If it's the latter, I'd worry about mental illness, if it's the former, you know what to do. Ignore.

:iagree: This. MIL had her chance to name her own children. This generation is your turn.

 

Sorry you're having to deal with this. My dad had it in his head that my sibling or I should have named one of our babies after him, since our brother--his namesake--had passed away. Thankfully he didn't push it because 1) it was creepy, and 2) neither of them lived the kind of life we admired.

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gardenmom5

gardenmom5

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wow.  she is sad - but not the way she thinks.  oh, and don't overthink the problem.  that's the thing about crazy manipulative people, you can make yourself nuts trying to figure them out.

 

congratulations, and kudos to your dh for standing up to his mother.

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lynn

lynn

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Wow. I didn't know grandparents got to name grandchildren...

 

 

Not always the best dea.  My mom asked my Nana to name me.  I really don't like my first name so I use my middle name when I can.  But it could have been worse, the second name she had chosen probably would have had people never taking me seriously and thinking I was an exotic dancer. :svengo:     

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Guest

Guest

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And that it's a girl. She's no longer speaking to us. She said we got to name our last two kids so she gets to name this one and she will name it [HerMaidenName, which is not a name]. DH said no. She tried to convince him and then said she's just too sad and can't talk to him anymore. She won't pick up the phone or respond to his texts. WTF?

Send her a text, "Go pound sand."

 

Congratulations. All babies deserve a warm welcome. I would be over the moon to have such news!  :grouphug:

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Hikin' Mama

Hikin' Mama

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:grouphug: Kathryn :grouphug:

 

Here - I'll say all the things your dear MIL should have said:

 

Congratulations on the baby! Oh that's wonderful! A little girl - Fantastic! She will be so spoiled by those wonderful older brothers! I am sure you and DH will pick a beautiful name. Congratulations again!

 

 

Congratulations! Woohoo!

I second that!

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Kathryn

Kathryn

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She was like this for a long time, but started going to therapy a few years ago and has been almost normal as far as interactions go for the past few years. She had her own daughter and gave her her maiden name as her middle name. She hasn't spoken to her in 15 years because BIL was so disgusted at his son coming home from her house with pee-soaked socks that he asked if she would please keep his shoes on when he visited her. She is the crazy dog lady. She has five small untrained dogs. By untrained, I don't mean not obedient, although they're that also. I mean they relieve themselves wherever they are and she throws a towel on it until it's dry if she happens upon it. She also smokes in her house all day and doesn't work. We haven't been in her house for more than five minutes since we've had children. She tried to disown DH when I was pregnant with my first because I didn't want her in the delivery room, but he was incredibly persistent and she eventually started talking to him again.

 

When she first started therapy, she once looked at me and said "you don't understand, [my DH, her son] said he would live with me forever." Um, DH moved in with me when he was 19, and he doesn't ever remember saying such a thing, so if it did happen, he was obviously a child.

 

Anyway, it wouldn't have been unexpected at all had it happened three years ago. But, with how she'd been recently, I thought she must have been joking at first. But, apparently this has triggered some sort of relapse in behavior.

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Twigs

Twigs

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… Anyway, it wouldn't have been unexpected at all had it happened three years ago. But, with how she'd been recently, I thought she must have been joking at first. But, apparently this has triggered some sort of relapse in behavior.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Matryoshka

Matryoshka

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MIL wanted us to name our third dd [herMaidenName] - which is also not a first name - not for a boy, and most certainly not for a girl.  It is the name of a big University.  WTH.  No, not even for her middle name.  It's a GIRL.

 

She tried to say it was 'common' for kids to get mom's maiden name as a middle name.  I said, yeah, for a BOY, and then it would be my maiden name, not MIL's  Then I pointed out that hey, she'd already had a chance to do this, as she had five boys.  And yes, one of them does indeed have her maiden name as a middle name.  And she has 3 grandsons (don't know if they got pressured, but if it was, it wasn't successfully).  Yeah, no, no, and NO.  I think she knew this was her last grandchild, and somehow she felt the need for this.

 

She went on about this so much, I tossed her a bone - dd has MIL's middle name as her middle name.  It's a boring generic middle name.  Dd says she likes it better than her first name - makes me cranky.

 

Congratulations on the new arrival! 

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PrincessMommy

PrincessMommy

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MIL wanted us to name our third dd [herMaidenName] - which is also not a first name - not for a boy, and most certainly not for a girl.  It is the name of a big University.  WTH.  No, not even for her middle name.  It's a GIRL.

 

She tried to say it was 'common' for kids to get mom's maiden name as a middle name.  I said, yeah, for a BOY, and then it would be my maiden name, not MIL's  Then I pointed out that hey, she'd already had a chance to do this, as she had five boys.  And yes, one of them does indeed have her maiden name as a middle name.  And she has 3 grandsons (don't know if they got pressured, but if it was, it wasn't successfully).  Yeah, no, no, and NO.  I think she knew this was her last grandchild, and somehow she felt the need for this.

 

She went on about this so much, I tossed her a bone - dd has MIL's middle name as her middle name.  It's a boring generic middle name.  Dd says she likes it better than her first name - makes me cranky.

 

Congratulations on the new arrival! 

 

OMG!  I would NEVER want my grandkids to have my maiden name as a first name!  I got teased so much as a kid and it was just my last name.  We gave it to my oldest son as a middle name - mainly because my dad didn't have any boys, and our only boy cousin never had kids of his own.  We wanted to keep the name going somehow.  That, and I am very proud of my heritage (Dutch).   But yeah, definitely wouldn't work as a first name for either gender. 

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Alicia64

Alicia64

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And that it's a girl. She's no longer speaking to us. She said we got to name our last two kids so she gets to name this one and she will name it [HerMaidenName, which is not a name]. DH said no. She tried to convince him and then said she's just too sad and can't talk to him anymore. She won't pick up the phone or respond to his texts. WTF?

 

(((Kathryn))) Google Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPS) and see if it fits your MIL. (Sound like it will be hand-in-glove.)

 

Congratulations!!!

 

Alley

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Belacqua

Belacqua

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I read stuff like this and it reminds me how wonderful my mother and MIL are. They are two ladies who simply "stay of it" no matter what their opinion is because they know decisions about the dc are for dh and I. 

 

Same here. My MIL would laugh herself silly at the notion that she gets to name somebody else's kids. And I suspect my SIL would not have named her daughter after our MIL if MIL were cuckoopants enough to demand it.

 

Congratulations on the new baby! Looking forward to learning the name you do pick. With your husband. And nobody else. :)

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hjffkj

hjffkj

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She was like this for a long time, but started going to therapy a few years ago and has been almost normal as far as interactions go for the past few years. She had her own daughter and gave her her maiden name as her middle name. She hasn't spoken to her in 15 years because BIL was so disgusted at his son coming home from her house with pee-soaked socks that he asked if she would please keep his shoes on when he visited her. She is the crazy dog lady. She has five small untrained dogs. By untrained, I don't mean not obedient, although they're that also. I mean they relieve themselves wherever they are and she throws a towel on it until it's dry if she happens upon it. She also smokes in her house all day and doesn't work. We haven't been in her house for more than five minutes since we've had children. She tried to disown DH when I was pregnant with my first because I didn't want her in the delivery room, but he was incredibly persistent and she eventually started talking to him again.

 

When she first started therapy, she once looked at me and said "you don't understand, [my DH, her son] said he would live with me forever." Um, DH moved in with me when he was 19, and he doesn't ever remember saying such a thing, so if it did happen, he was obviously a child.

 

Anyway, it wouldn't have been unexpected at all had it happened three years ago. But, with how she'd been recently, I thought she must have been joking at first. But, apparently this has triggered some sort of relapse in behavior.

 

Congrats on the baby!!  At least this didn't come out of no where.  I hope your mil gets back on track with the help she needs.  

 

 

Sorry but the bolded made me laugh because my 5 year old tells me he'll never get married because he wants to live with me forever.  I'll have to hold it against his future wife someday :)

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Alicia64

Alicia64

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When she first started therapy, she once looked at me and said "you don't understand, [my DH, her son] said he would live with me forever." Um, DH moved in with me when he was 19, and he doesn't ever remember saying such a thing, so if it did happen, he was obviously a child.

 

 

 

Did she get a diagnosis in therapy? I was thinking NPD, but maybe she's borderline?

 

She sounds extremely "young" to think an adult child would continue living with her.

 

Alley

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theYoungerMrsWarde

theYoungerMrsWarde

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My husband's grandmother was hurt that we weren't going to name ds#2 (before we knew what he was) after her. Both her daughter and her daughter's daughter have her name as a middle name! That isn't enough?!

With my 1st pregnancy my father did something manipulative. I told him not to contact me again until I had announced the birth; I did NOT want that stress during my pregnancy. The silence was bliss. Enjoy her not talking to you!

And, again, YAY for baby!! I LOVE having a girl after two boys! I'm overdosing on pink and pretty and loving it! :D

 

ETA: And we did end up giving a family name for my daughter's middle name...from MY side. :D

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HS Mom in NC

HS Mom in NC

Posted
Posted

Why is there calling and texting still going on?  One is sufficient. She went off in a huff.  Either she'll cool down over time, in which case she'll make contact with you when she's more calm or she won't contact you because she's nuts.  Don't encourage her to interact with you in a crazy state of mind-nothing constructive will happen and it might get worse. My suggestion is to leave it alone.

You and your husband need to just reconcile yourselves to her cutting off contact with you.  You both seem to have a good solid unified approach to boundaries with her, so should she come back, keep calm and carry on as you have. She'll probably do something like this again in the future.  Don't spend a lot of emotional energy on trying to anticipate what she'll do, why she isn't normal, what could have caused it, etc.  You have other things to spend your time feelings on. She will probably never change-be at peace with that in your own mind.

On a side note related to another post in this thread, I have three older brothers.  Please do not go all "princess" and have the boys spoil her.  Princesses are only good for feeding dragons and appeasing volcano gods.  American culture doesn't need any more spoiled children.  Waaaay too many mothers with only one girl with a bunch of boys make that tragic mistake.  I know 3 different families in that mess right now and their daughters are insufferable spoiled brats no one can stand because mommy and daddy actively encourage it. I'm glad I had a no-nonsense mother who didn't do that to me. We need to raise strong women, not spoiled women.

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Annie G

Annie G

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Well, hopefully when she gets over her temper tantrum she'll come around.

 

Maybe you could use it as a middle name?  Just a thought.  I wouldn't feel too enthused over offering after that reaction though.

 

 

We did this with dd #3. MIL has called her by her middle name her whole life. Even bought her personalized things with that name on it. Yeah...dd isn't wild about her middle name and to have MIL ALWAYS call her that it just weird.    See my siggie- that dd is 21....yes, this has been going on for 21 years. So while that may be a perfectly good option for rational people, it just fuels the fire for others. 

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redsquirrel

redsquirrel

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This is a her problem, not a you problem. She is trying to powerplay you by not speaking to you, in the hopes that she can coerce you into doing what she wants. It is up to you if you want to reward that type of behaviour or not. What would you do if your kids did this to you? You can't control her reaction, but you get to decide how you will respond to such tactics.

 

You can respond with love without giving in. You love her, but you aren't going to reward the behaviour by giving in.

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Kerileanne99

Kerileanne99

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With my 1st pregnancy my father did something manipulative. I told him not to contact me again until I had announced the birth; I did NOT want that stress during my pregnancy. The silence was bliss. Enjoy her not talking to you!

 

D

This is exactly what I did when pregnant with my dd. My mother and I have always had a rough relationship. I was emancipated at 15, and it took awhile to have any sort of relationship. I refused all phone calls during pregnancy, but assured her husband that we would call her when baby was born. There are way too many studies about the effects of Stress hormones on the fetus...and who wants to deal with it whilst pregnant anyway!

 

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I am sure you will have a lot of fun choosing YOUR perfect name for her.

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Kathryn

Kathryn

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I am not calling or texting her. It's my husband's choice what he wants to do. I'm not involved with her at all beyond speaking to her when we are in a room together. My own mother is much crazier and I haven't spoken to her since April beyond a visit in her therapist's office. MIL lives two hours away, but my mom is local.

 

There is absolutely no way we are using her maiden name in any way, shape, or form. It's not a name. It's a common noun. Even if it wasn't, there will be no concessions for ridiculous behavior.

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