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My son got his first taste of being a black teen in America


Elm in NJ
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I am sorry. I appear to to Hispanic when I have a good tan and I have been pulled over while driving my own car at the exact speed limit, I have had patrons at the restaurant I was working at change table with the excuse that they don't want to have to talk slowly to me, and other small things. None of the things that have happened to me have been very serious, but they make me think about what people that are not white can go through sometimes. If it makes your ds feel better, the statistics for race are changing in this country and I hope that this sort of thing will become a thing of the past. But what happened is not right.

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I am so sorry that happened to your son.

 

Statistically, there is a strong likelihood that this was racial profiling. It is also likely that your white friends and acquaintances will assume better than that and attribute more honorable motives to the police. They just have no clue what it means to be a person of color in this country.

 

:grouphug:

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The police officers were polite. Your son was polite. It was a positive experience all around, as far as I'm concerned. 

Have you been in an airport line lately?  You know how you know you're being watched, and you know that any excitedness could get you detained long enough to miss your flight?  You know how you have to concentrate on projecting calm?

 

Now imagine doing that whenever you're out and about.  It's not impossible, it's not completely hostile, but it's a dripping stress that can permeate your mind a bit.  And it's not right, and not positive either.

 

That's how I see it.

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I don't know if this makes you feel any better (because I'm not sure it would for me).

 

My 12 yods and his friend were stopped on our very rural road by a neighbor. The neighbor saw them, drove up to them in his car, and asked who they were and what they were doing.  They are both (white and) very big for their age.  It was during school hours.  My son was polite but came home upset and offended. I felt a bit of his innocence was lost that day, that someone could potentially suspect him of something just because he's a boy.  But it was also good to know that we have vigilant neighbors.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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I really don't know if he was profiled. It really didn't matter to me though. It was just an instinctive Mama Bear reaction protecting her cub. My kids have been very sheltered from  real life in a lot of ways. Now we are letting them out into the big bad world and all my protective instincts are out.  I have lived in this community for  13 years and we have never had any problems.  

 

 Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

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I leave in Middlesex County, and I am giving them the better of the doubt. Otherwise I would have gone down to the station.<GRIN>

  

I really don't know if he was profiled. It really didn't matter to me though. It was just an instinctive Mama Bear reaction protecting her cub. My kids have been very sheltered from  real life in a lot of ways. Now we are letting them out into the big bad world and all my protective instincts are out.  I have lived in this community for  13 years and we have never had any problems.  

 

 Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I'm glad you're going to give them the benefit of the doubt, since nothing like this has ever happened in the past 13 years, but I can certainly understand why you would have been concerned when two different unmarked police cars approached your ds in the same day. I'm sure any of us, no matter what our race, would have been wondering what was going on.

 

I still think the police were patrolling around for a specific reason that had nothing to do with your ds, though, because how many times do you see two separate police cars patrolling your neighborhood within minutes? I can imagine that one car on a regular patrol might have passed by, but two unmarked cars seems like it would be pretty unusual in a nice Middlesex County neighborhood that is generally a very safe place to live.

 

Because you are longtime residents of your community, and because you and your family have never had any problems with the police, I think it would have been sort of "reverse profiling" to assume the worst about your local police. Obviously, if it happens again, that would definitely be a red flag, but since your ds didn't get any weird vibes from the police officers and wasn't upset, I really hope I'm right and that it wasn't a case of profiling.

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I wouldn't automatically assume it was because he was black.  I would assume it was a teen out during school hours. 

me too, both of my boys have been stopped while they were out alone during the school day. 

 

One got stopped a couple of times, I was totally frustrated about that too. 

 

 

I also know of a few other kids who have been stopped by officers when they were out during the day.

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Well there you have it. Some white kids have been stopped by police sometimes, so negative profiling doesn't exist mmmmk.

Not a single person here has even remotely suggested that negative profiling doesn't exist. :glare:

 

Some of us suspect that it didn't occur in this particular instance, but that most certainly doesn't translate into "there's no such thing." I can't believe that you would suggest that anyone meant anything like that.

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OP, I also would be uncomfortable with police confronting my children, it would make me nervous because police have power and some abuse it.  I don't know if they were targeting your son because of his skin color or because a teenager walking around on a weekday morning is unusual.  But it sounds like he handled it well and given that there was no escalation beyond a polite conversation, I would not think ill of the police officers.  I'm glad that it turned out ok and your son sounds like a very responsible young man.

 

As to the hypothetical definition of profiling that someone else mentioned - please.  If there was a crime committed in the area and the police didn't question people who matched the description, they wouldn't be doing their job.  That's not profiling, that's good police work!

 

I feel that we can't really deal with the actual race issues in this country if people are going to overplay the race card.  (I am specifically NOT referring to the OP here, but others who have jumped in).  If white people are automatically racists in every situation, it's not possible to have a rational discussion and it is kind of an insult to the victims of *real* racism.

 

Twice I have seen unfamiliar males, one an adult and one a teenager, sitting in cars on my street.  I walked up to both and asked them what they were doing there.  Am I a profiler?  No, I just didn't think they had a reason for being there and I tend to be a bit suspicious and hyper-aware of my surroundings, so I asked them about it.  The adult's reason was sketchy, and he drove away shortly thereafter.  The teen said was waiting for one of my neighbors to arrive home.  You can probably call me a neighborhood busybody, but I don't think calling it profiling would be fair, whether they were black or white (they were white BTW).

 

 

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I'm sorry this happened.  I don't know if it was profiling or not.  I am not Black, yet when I was a kid I was frequently stopped by police for any reason or no reason.  Once they asked me if I was running away since I fit the description of someone who was.  I said "no," and they sent me on my merry way.  Many times they were just curious as to why I was not in school during school hours (I was an early graduate and my college hours were odd, like your son's).  There was a push to address truancy at that time and place.  If it was evening, they wanted to know why I was walking around (I happened to like going for long walks and it was a safe town).  Mostly they just didn't have enough real crime to fight.

 

Could have been anything, but yes, racial profiling is a possibility.  I'm glad your son took it in good humor.

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Well there you have it. Some white kids have been stopped by police sometimes, so negative profiling doesn't exist mmmmk.

 

Just because profiling exists does not mean that every time a cop speaks to a person of color it's profiling.  Cops of all colors need to be free to talk to people of all colors.  If there's a reason to talk to anyone on the street, you can't exempt black teens lest the cops be accused of profiling.

 

Obviously cops have reasons other than racial profiling to stop and talk to young people on the street.  That is the point people are making.  Insisting that it *has* to be racism / profiling suggests you believe every cop in a white/asian neighborhood is racist.  That's profiling IMO.  I feel sorry for cops.

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Except that no one here has suggested anything of the kind. :glare:

No, but the OP has reason to lament the reality that her boys can expect a lifetime of increased risk of profiling based on race, and comments about white kids getting stopped and asked questions as well is a bit... detached from the reality of the situation. The fact that it's so obvious her kids joke about it ("Welcome to the real world, J"), is, well, sobering. Perhaps people are trying to make her feel better, but it reflects a lack of understanding, and gives the appearance of being simply patronizing.

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No, but the OP has reason to lament the reality that her boys can expect a lifetime of increased risk of profiling based on race, and comments about white kids getting stopped and asked questions as well is a bit... detached from the reality of the situation. The fact that it's so obvious her kids joke about it ("Welcome to the real world, J"), is, well, sobering. Perhaps people are trying to make her feel better, but it reflects a lack of understanding, and gives the appearance of being simply patronizing.

 

When I feel my kid has had something unpleasant happen to her, and I post on here, it helps me to know if there are possible explanations other than that someone is being terribly unfair.  The fact is that as a white teen, I was stopped probably at least 50 different times in my hometown, even though I was the most squeaky clean, unassuming person you could imagine.  Therefore my alarm bells do not go off when I hear that a teen of any color was stopped and spoken to politely / momentarily and not detained.  I'm not particularly naive.  I've been profiled plenty myself, as a high-level professional woman in a man's field.  It happens, but it's not always the reason for everything I don't like/expect.  Nor does it do me any good to assume the worst when yuck happens in my professional life.

 

There is a black family two doors down from me, and they have the cops there more than anyone else on the street.  People make all sorts of assumptions, and I'm sure you're making one right now.  Come to find out *they* are the ones calling the cops for whatever reason - and they are happily chatting them up when they are there.

 

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I've been profiled plenty myself, as a high-level professional woman in a man's field.

 

Please, tell me more about the profiling of high-level professional white women in a "man's field."

 

There is a black family two doors down from me, and they have the cops there more than anyone else on the street.  People make all sorts of assumptions, and I'm sure you're making one right now.  Come to find out *they* are the ones calling the cops for whatever reason - and they are happily chatting them up when they are there.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this information.

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Please, tell me more about the profiling of high-level professional white women in a "man's field."

 

 

If I had to guess:

 

1. single

2. never married

3. two adopted children

4. lives in a home with roommates

5. works in a dominate male field

 

They'd profile her as a lesbian.

 

And to be clear I realize she has been engaged to a man from reading here and could care less if she is gay but I'm just giving a guess as to why she may have been profiled.

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No, but the OP has reason to lament the reality that her boys can expect a lifetime of increased risk of profiling based on race, and comments about white kids getting stopped and asked questions as well is a bit... detached from the reality of the situation. The fact that it's so obvious her kids joke about it ("Welcome to the real world, J"), is, well, sobering. Perhaps people are trying to make her feel better, but it reflects a lack of understanding, and gives the appearance of being simply patronizing.

 

Well said.

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If I had to guess:

 

1. single

2. never married

3. two adopted children

4. lives in a home with roommates

5. works in a dominate male field

 

They'd profile her as a lesbian.

 

And to be clear I realize she has been engaged to a man from reading here and could care less if she is gay but I'm just giving a guess as to why she may have been profiled.

 

LOL!  This isn't what I was talking about, but this does happen too!  Possibly less when I was in that job, because I was still childless and I would drop hints that I had men in my life (because I know how people think).  However, I believe my kids' 1st grade teacher made this erroneous assumption and took it out on my kid!  But like you said, I do not care who thinks what about gay people (or suspected gay people), as long as nobody is being harmed by it.

 

What I was talking about was, for example, when I was assumed to be my subordinate's secretary because I was the only woman in the room.  Or that I once I became a parent, I would become an irresponsible employee.  My boss was a single parent, but when he spent time with his kids it was because he was a great guy.  For me, they found out I was adopting and essentially cut my pay - before I even went on mat leave.  There are lots of other examples, of course.

 

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No, but the OP has reason to lament the reality that her boys can expect a lifetime of increased risk of profiling based on race, and comments about white kids getting stopped and asked questions as well is a bit... detached from the reality of the situation. The fact that it's so obvious her kids joke about it ("Welcome to the real world, J"), is, well, sobering. Perhaps people are trying to make her feel better, but it reflects a lack of understanding, and gives the appearance of being simply patronizing.

This. It just made me feel bad that my 12 year old can joke about it.  It really makes me feel a lot better about all the white teens being stopped. I will be sure to remind my boys in the coming years to remember all their white friends being stopped and to just deal with it. They should remember all the positives that have gone on in their lives; living in a good neighborhood, being homeschoolers, having the opportunity to go to college and all that "good".

 

Thank you everyone for contributing. You have all been really helpful.

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