Grace & Acceptance in the Elderly Parent

[elegantlion]

I don't know if this thread is for advice, thoughts and prayers, commiseration or just because. My parents are in their 70s and my mom is like bull, my dad, however, has moved from old to elderly this year. He had a minor stroke, hospitalized twice, and went from really pretty energetic for 77 to slow. He's not accepting it so well. He's used to driving everywhere, going out everyday (my mom doesn't drive), and basically living a pretty nice retired life. 

 

They have been so helpful to me and ds in this chaotic year even with his health issues. The reality is this could be the last Christmas he has. He could be around another decade too. My parents adore my son and we drop everything if they come to visit. They actually get out more than we do a lot of the time and we see them about once a week. 

 

It's hard because my dad is used to be independent and going all the time. Now their staying home more and really just slowing down. I can see him trying to put the brakes on this progession downward so much he's leaving skid marks. 

 

I don't know, the other day someone got mad at him in a parking lot because he parked a little crooked. He's a very careful driver still, but he has a bigger SUV and it was a tiny spot. I wanted to run after that guy and give him a piece of my mind, but I didn't know about it until we left the parking lot. 

 

Maybe this is just a plea to grant a little grace to older and elderly people this year. They drive slower, they walk slower, they do every transaction slower. They probably don't like that part either. Smile at them even if they don't smile back. They might not sleep at night, they might be in pain just walking in the parking lot. 

 

And if your parents aren't awful, take off a few days of school every once in a while and spend the day with them. Count it as cultural studies or history. The days my son has been allowed to spend with my parents are a privilege. I never had grandparents that gave a rats patootie about me. We always made it a priority for ds to spend time with our parents, we let a lot of little things go because they loved him. We didn't nitpick everything they did with him. We wanted him to have a relationship with them as an individual, not just with us in between. At 16 he adores them as much as he did when he was two. As I start thinking that these may be the final years we spend with my dad, I'm glad we did those things.

 

None of us really know how much time we have. Hug, cherish, and be with the ones you love just a little longer this holiday season. Let a little bit more go than you did last year. Be kind to the old people you encounter. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[ErinE]

I hear you. Hugs.

[Jane in NC]

Having lost my Dad this summer, I want to send a resounding "Yes!" to your post.

 

And I will add:  Please teach your children to hold doors open for the elderly (anyone really), help them with shopping carts, etc.  These small things can make such a difference in the quality of life of an older person. 

[Catwoman]

Beautifully said.

 

It's a good reminder for all of us.

[PrincessMommy]

:grouphug: :grouphug:  It's hard sometimes, isn't it.     What you said was so true and very lovely.  My mom lived 800miles away the last 6-7yrs of her life.  However, before that she and Dad lived with us.  The kids still have fond memories of that time, even though some were pretty young.

[GSOchristie]

How touching, it is a good reminder to cherish the times we have with them. My grandmothers (84/85) have both gone from shockingly healthy for their age to having some pretty serious issues in the space of a year. I need to be better about taking my kids to see them.

[FriedClams]

I'm with you. My parents are in their late 70s, slowing mentally and physically. It's so hard. I agree - grace and patience. You said it beautifully.

[OrganicAnn]

It can be really hard for the parent to accept then they are less able than when younger.   My mom keeps saying that she's going to work to get her strength/energy back, but in reality she will never be able to.    Sometimes the kids have a difficult time accepting that their parents will never go back to being the same parents that they remember.   

 

I often tell my DH that if he sees issues that I don't see with my mom, to tell me.   I'm afraid that I'll dismiss little things.  Little signs that tell you it is not longer safe for her to drive or live by herself.   

 

We do try to take my mom to the grocery store during the week, because it is so busy on weekends and people are too rushed.  

 

It can be really difficult to deal with, but it is also so wonderful that you can help your parents when they need a little help.  

[Liz CA]

What an excellent reminder in a hectic time, hectic in stores, hectic on the road. And I am not the most patient of drivers because I have to drive so long and am so tired of it but this is certainly not the fault of the elderly person in front of me.

Thank you for reminding me.

 

And...yes, I can only imagine how difficult it is when you realize everything is slower. They used to be young and energetic and it is a painful (mentally) process to accept one's limitations. Encourage your Dad to get involved in something that gives him a sense of purpose. Can he tutor your son in a subject he knows well? Can they visit museums together, car shows, the fair? Is he a card shark and can teach your son? Anything...it goes a long way in still feeling useful and needed.

[Joanne]

What a lovely, honoring post.

 

Thank you.

[Heatherwith4]

We are dealing with these same issues with several family members. It is hard. It is sad. And it's a reminder of your own mortality. But yes, it is so worth it to offer a smile or help or even just a little patience to an older person.

[Cindy in FL.]

It is so important to allow people to maintain their dignity as they age. It's a fine line to make sure that we help them where needed without treating them like children. Thanks for this pep talk!

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[KrissiK]

I hear you! My dad has been declining over the past couple years and it is excruciating! I hate seeing him so slow, his memory and processing are getting slower.... this is my Daddy! Having a parent like this does make a person more patient of all older people who move slower than they used to. Thanks!

[elegantlion]

My dad and my son share a love of electronics, my dad being the old-fashioned electronic guy. Plus there is James Bond and Star Trek.

[datgh]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  I lost my Dad last month.  He got slower and slower and slower.  My Mom who is 11 years younger had the patience of a saint. I pray I can have her patience at all times with older folks. 

 

In regards to your Dad really slowing down has he told his doctor about his lack of energy.  I only bring this up because my Dad had times over the last several years when he would feel just exhausted.  Many times it had to do with adjusting medication, iron deficiency or just needing a vitamin b shot (can't remember which one) and he would be off and running again. Many folks of your Dad's generation put doctors on a pedistal and won't push for answers. I will also tell you that when my Dad had a heart attack five years ago it took him a while to learn to live with his new normal.  It was almost as if he was afraid to do anything because it would happen again.  He eventually got over that and got on with his life again.  Don't count your Dad out yet but I do know what you are going through and it is so hard.  Parents are supposed to live forever!

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