Self-deprecating comments

[klmama]

How do you handle it when someone acts as if her abilities and contributions aren't valuable?  I'm dealing with someone new, and I can't tell if she really believes what she says or if she's fishing for compliments.  For now, I'm  encouraging her, but it's going to get old quickly if she's like this all the time.  FWIW, she's very bright, but a bit timid, and I think she's a people-pleaser.

[SKL]

"Why do you say that?"

[beaners]

It might be cultural.  I very firmly believe ;) that everything I say is worthwhile, but I was taught to decline compliments in this manner since I was a young child.  It went along with the family tradition of passing money back and forth ten times for picking up soda and napkins on your way to a family gathering. If I say something negative to off-set a compliment, it isn't because I want more compliments.  It's because it's uncomfortable for me to be in the position where someone is complimenting me, even if I know that I did something well.  If your relationship allows some joking, maybe this would be a good place to slide in something like "it's okay to say thank you." It took me ages to realize that a simple thank you was just as or more socially acceptable than scrambling to pretend like you shouldn't receive the compliment.

[gaillardia]

I made comments like that about myself when I started a new job, when I was in the owner's presence. I think I did it because he seemed to be a person who might be quick to put others down and I think I did it so he wouldn't do it to me first. Kinda sick, huh? He said to me one day that he wished I would stop it, because he saw me as a worthwhile person or wouldn't have hired me. He went on to build me up and I was no longer timid with him and felt like I had more of an equal relationship with him.

[SorrelZG]

"Why do you say that?"

Gah! Why don't I think of these simple things in the moment?

[Catwoman]

Gah! Why don't I think of these simple things in the moment?

Why do you say that?

 

;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

 

Self-deprecating much? :D

 

(Sorry... I couldn't resist!)

[albeto.]

"Why do you say that?"

Gah! Why don't I think of these simple things in the moment?

 

No! No! No!

 

Some of us really are uncomfortable with compliments, even more so when we feel they are not deserved. To ask, "Why do you say that" is to put someone on the spot even more, and sometimes all they want to do is get out of that uncomfortable position. I say let it go. Don't feed with compliments. If this person is truly uncomfortable, you're just making it more awkward by putting unwanted attention on her. If she's fishing for compliments, you don't need to patronize that. It's not your job. Give compliments when you feel they are sincerely warranted, and if not, just move on. Be professional, not a cheerleader. :)

[Elfknitter.#]

 

No! No! No!

 

Some of us really are uncomfortable with compliments, even more so when we feel they are not deserved. To ask, "Why do you say that" is to put someone on the spot even more, and sometimes all they want to do is get out of that uncomfortable position. I say let it go. Don't feed with compliments. If this person is truly uncomfortable, you're just making it more awkward by putting unwanted attention on her. If she's fishing for compliments, you don't need to patronize that. It's not your job. Give compliments when you feel they are sincerely warranted, and if not, just move on. Be professional, not a cheerleader. :)

My introvert self says a big, giant, YES to all of this.

[SorrelZG]

No! No! No!

 

Some of us really are uncomfortable with compliments, even more so when we feel they are not deserved. To ask, "Why do you say that" is to put someone on the spot even more, and sometimes all they want to do is get out of that uncomfortable position. I say let it go. Don't feed with compliments. If this person is truly uncomfortable, you're just making it more awkward by putting unwanted attention on her. If she's fishing for compliments, you don't need to patronize that. It's not your job. Give compliments when you feel they are sincerely warranted, and if not, just move on. Be professional, not a cheerleader. :)

I agree that these are good points but I do think the best response depends on context. The situations that were specifically coming to my mind from recent experience were different, and engaging would have helped if I had only thought of it.

[kiwik]

A lot of us have an almost superstitious fear about being complimented. Don't tempt fate, the devil etc and of course as girls we are given certain messages. Just smile and keep going.

[SorrelZG]

This may be unrelated but I have met people that seem really uncomfortable with frank, honest self evaluations and anything they hear someone say that they perceive as negative is met with a flood of hollow compliments to negate it, no matter how much delusion it would require to believe. THAT is awkward.

 

 

Although, you know what ... I should have asked the complimenters, "Why do you say that?" If only I had thought of that. :P I bet it would have made THEM feel really awkward. Ha!

[Laura Corin]

Is the person from the same culture as you?  When I speak Chinese, I self-deprecate constantly - it's the cultural norm.  In English, when complimented I say, 'Thank you'.  I've taught the same to my boys, just as they have Chinese table manners and English table manners and can switch between.

 

L 

[Joyofsixreboot]

It might be cultural.  I very firmly believe ;) that everything I say is worthwhile, but I was taught to decline compliments in this manner since I was a young child.  It went along with the family tradition of passing money back and forth ten times for picking up soda and napkins on your way to a family gathering. If I say something negative to off-set a compliment, it isn't because I want more compliments.  It's because it's uncomfortable for me to be in the position where someone is complimenting me, even if I know that I did something well.  If your relationship allows some joking, maybe this would be a good place to slide in something like "it's okay to say thank you." It took me ages to realize that a simple thank you was just as or more socially acceptable than scrambling to pretend like you shouldn't receive the compliment.

Yes, this. In my family accepting a compliment would be rude and proud.  

[Scarlett]

Yes, this. In my family accepting a compliment would be rude and proud.

In my culture refusing a compliment is rude. It is as if you are saying to the compliment giver, "you do not know what you are talking about! You are wrong!"

[Catwoman]

In my culture refusing a compliment is rude. It is as if you are saying to the compliment giver, "you do not know what you are talking about! You are wrong!"

Same here. It's considered bad manners to refuse a compliment.

 

If someone compliments you, you say, "Thank you." And if you can return the compliment with a sincere one of your own, you do that, too.

 

I didn't know that it could be considered prideful to accept a compliment. I always thought it was prideful to tell people how wonderful you are, but I'm not sure how it would be prideful to thank someone for saying something nice to you. It would be different if someone told you that they liked your dress, and you responded with, "Yes, I know. It's certainly much nicer than that rag you're wearing." That wouldn't only be prideful; that would also make you a Real Housewife and you'd get your own show on TLC.

[Scarlett]

Same here. It's considered bad manners to refuse a compliment.

 

If someone compliments you, you say, "Thank you." And if you can return the compliment with a sincere one of your own, you do that, too.

 

I didn't know that it could be considered prideful to accept a compliment. I always thought it was prideful to tell people how wonderful you are, but I'm not sure how it would be prideful to thank someone for saying something nice to you. It would be different if someone told you that they liked your dress, and you responded with, "Yes, I know. It's certainly much nicer than that rag you're wearing." That wouldn't only be prideful; that would also make you a Real Housewife and you'd get your own show on TLC.

LOL.....hilarious.

 

Usually only 4 year olds can get by with saying, 'yes I know' to compliments.

[Catwoman]

LOL.....hilarious.

 

Usually only 4 year olds can get by with saying, 'yes I know' to compliments.

Yeah, when adults do it, it's very awkward. You just stand there and wonder if you should smile and agree with them or make the snarky comment that's right there on the tip of your tongue.

[Cinder]

Usually only 4 year olds can get by with saying, 'yes I know' to compliments.

 

Dh and I will say this to each other sometimes. *Never* to anyone else though.

 

[dbmamaz]

I can be self-deprecating when I'm new somewhere, too, just because I feel really insecure.  I'm usually a bit of a perfectionist, so adjusting to a new job is very stressful.  I also dont trust compliments - mostly because my mother used them in manipulative and dishonest ways.  But i have learned to say 'thank you' to them.  I usually have to take a short breath first to fight my impulse to talk it away (oh, i bought it on sale; oh, i made a ton of mistakes before i got it; no, its late, i'm so sorry)

[susankenny]

"Why do you say that?"

 

Yes. This.  

 

Speaking ill of yourself isn't necessary. She may be responding automatically & not even realizing she's putting herself down.  If you are around it often & it's awkward, no need to build her up. Simply asking, "Why do you say that?" is totally acceptable imo. If that sends her into a tailspin, the issues are bigger than anything you can say or do anyway.

[SKL]

If you want the self-deprecation to continue and also make the speaker think you probably agree with the self-putdowns, then yes, it's better to just let it go.

 

If you want it to stop and to build the person up, you have to address it.

 

"Why do you say that" is IMO a tactful way of saying "don't waste my time with BS when we have important work to do."  To instead say "oh no, you are really wonderful" is IMO talking down to the person, as well as a waste of time.  It also implies that if ever you didn't counter with gushing compliments, the hidden message is "yeah, you do kinda suck."

 

I was raised in a very humble household and took a long time to get comfortable with compliments or even believing I am "good enough."  So I know all about those feelings, but really, it would have been better for someone to stop me earlier rather than later.  Unless I'm paying a psychologist to pump me up, nobody has time or energy for that in the workplace.  You expect a little iffiness here and there but not on a habitual basis.

[...................]

I do it to be funny.  I myself am a very strange mix of high IQ, and ADD/Ditziness with a dash of sensory disorder (Oh the noise, noise, noise) and  I hate boring conversations, and I don't take myself seriously.

 

So when I do something kinda  strange or off, I love to make a quick joke of it and have a laugh with my friends. 

 

For some reason in my new area where I live, people are SOOOOOOOOO serious!!! Everyone I meet is SOOOOO serious.  It's getting really old.  Out of desperation I think I am making more of these comments than usual.  

 

So....could she be trying to be funny?

[Laura Corin]

`You may have to accept that this is just how the person is.  It took me years, and the pressure of an entire national culture, to change my 'thank you' into a 'No, no - I speak Chinese very poorly'.

 

L

[Scarlett]

I have the funniest (attempted) self deprecating story ever.....I was about 23 and a young male co worker said, 'I am going to polish this desk up until it is as pretty as Scarlett'... Inexplicably I said, 'well you are going to have to work a little harder than that!' . LOL.

I intended to deflect the compliment with a coy smile and comment. Instead I humiliated myself. I will never forget the shocked look on his face. He said, 'well!' I laughed and pretended I was joking. It took about five years before I could tell anyone that story. My face would burn with shame remembering it.

[Scarlett]

Oh and it was about that time I decided a simple 'thank you' was the best response to a compliment. LOL

[SKL]

I might have misunderstood, but I thought the context was with an employee.  If we're talking about casual conversation among friends, that's a whole different issue.  If I tell my friend "I'm an idiot" it's different because she knows my strengths and values me as a person already.  It might be a joke or it might be my way of saying "wow, I'm so disappointed in myself right now."

[Ripley]

Is the person from the same culture as you?  When I speak Chinese, I self-deprecate constantly - it's the cultural norm.  In English, when complimented I say, 'Thank you'.  I've taught the same to my boys, just as they have Chinese table manners and English table manners and can switch between.

 

L 

 

I also straddle the East-West divide, and follow the same Rule of (When In) Rome. 

 

My first thought at reading the OP was to wonder if it was a cultural issue.  :)

[SailorMom]

When I was a kid, the women around me modeled the self-depreciating attitude, always declining compliments, etc.  It was considered rude to accept them or something.  So - I've always struggled with this as well.  I don't actually say self-depreciating things about myself, but compliments make me extremely uncomfortable. 

I think there are people who are legitimately insecure enough that they say those things in earnest, and don't even realize how it comes off.  But there are certainly those who are fishing.  I think it can be pretty apparent which they are by the way they are in other aspects of their life.  Do they wear very colorful clothing?  Are they outspoken about most things?  Strong opinions?  If those are a good description, my experience tells me it's fishing.  Not always - of course not- but frequently. 

If I think they are fishing, I just don't acknowledge the comments.

[albeto.]

If you want it to stop and to build the person up, you have to address it.

 

Again, No, no, no. It's  patronizing and wholly inappropriate to take someone on as a project like that, most especially in a work setting. I'd sooner choose a hot poker in my eye or be forced to watch the History Channel than to be someone's pet project to make me all better build me up.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Ugh.  How do I answer this without seeming like the person this OP is about?

 

Basically? I just don't want to deceive anyone by accepting a compliment about anything I mess up way more than I get it right.  

 

 

[klmama]

Thanks, everyone.  If it is some kind of cultural issue, it's not an obvious one.  She's a very quiet, very poised woman with impressive professional credentials.  We both volunteer with the same organization.  If she's asked to do something, she immediately states that she isn't very good at it, but she'll be happy to try; the results are spectacular, but she insists that she didn't do it well and others could have done so much more, etc.  Everyone else's ideas are fabulous, according to her, but she says her own (IMHO far superior) opinions have no worth.  It baffles me.  Her high level of work experience directly applies to what she does while volunteering, so I don't understand why she undersells herself so much.  

[SKL]

Uncomfortable people can say something like "thank you, I try" or "it is kind of you to say that," if they *must* give a humble reply.  "Actually I really suck" is going to be read as "help me feel better about myself" and that is not appropriate at work for many reasons, including:

 

• Your boss has better things to do.
• You have better things to do.
• You are marketing yourself, your department/work group, your company to others all the time.  While you and your boss might realize you are just playing humble, outsiders are going to take you at face value.  If you go around stating/implying that your work or abilities are not very good, prospective buyers are going to choose a different provider.
• Some people believe in the "self-fulfilling prophecy" or really don't know how to take "humble" comments.  You are better off stating what you really think (to the extent it is relevant).
• If you say you aren't so good, then don't expect your raise / promotion progression to indicate otherwise.

[Soror]

I was taught by example to deflect compliments. As I've gotten older I try to just graciously accept them. HOwever, I also struggle w/ pride and humility and if I get compliments that I feel are really unwarranted I feel a compulsive need to make sure to correct anyone's misperception. As the young person who constantly deflected compliments having someone call me out would have made me feel even more socially awkward and undeserving of compliments. I think the best route is just to give compliments genuinely and let them do what they will with them. I think this is partly cultural and partly introvert/extrovert. Please don't assume the worst of anyone.

[poppy]

You compliment her, she either graciously accepts or uncomfortably deflects.  Either way, move on.

 

It took me an embarrassingly long time to learn to accept a compliment. But I didn't learn it due to "lessons" from a colleague, any more than I learned to be happy by random passersby telling me I should smile more.

 

[albeto.]

Thanks, everyone.  If it is some kind of cultural issue, it's not an obvious one.  She's a very quiet, very poised woman with impressive professional credentials.  We both volunteer with the same organization.  If she's asked to do something, she immediately states that she isn't very good at it, but she'll be happy to try; the results are spectacular, but she insists that she didn't do it well and others could have done so much more, etc.  Everyone else's ideas are fabulous, according to her, but she says her own (IMHO far superior) opinions have no worth.  It baffles me.  Her high level of work experience directly applies to what she does while volunteering, so I don't understand why she undersells herself so much.  

 

Some people simply have a fear of behaving in a manner that will expose them as incompetent. It's probably not a rational fear, but then, people have the same fear of spiders. Anxiety is part of human nature, and the fortunate ones have it in healthy doses. For example, healthy anxiety makes us pay attention to "suspicious behavior" in order to avoid or prevent disaster. But just like any behavior, we are wired differently and have stronger tendencies in some areas and weaker ones in others. It sounds like this woman has a bit of a social anxiety and she's learning to cope with it. It could be better, like biting her tongue and saying "thank you." It could be worse, like quitting her post and refusing to volunteer anywhere because she's convinced her incompetence will bring everyone down. You can't do anything about it any more than you can help someone overcome their fear of spiders. It's part of her personality. You don't need to feed it, you don't need to fix it. If she's a clever gal (and it sounds like she is), she'll figure out how to bite her tongue in time and behave in a socially appropriate way. Either she'll gain confidence, or she'll learn to blend in better.

[Soror]

You compliment her, she either graciously accepts or uncomfortably deflects.  Either way, move on.

 

It took me an embarrassingly long time to learn to accept a compliment. But I didn't learn it due to "lessons" from a colleague, any more than I learned to be happy by random passersby telling me I should smile more.

Exactly. How exactly would it help someone who is struggling w/ self-esteem for you to outline the various ways in which they are so horribly wrong and ruining the company? People have to live their own authentic lives as well and what is appropriate for one is not another. I've seen some who pride themselves on their confidence that I have no wish of emulating, no matter that they themselves think that they are some wonderful example to emulate, I see them as arrogant jerks w/ no humility at all. I try to be objective w/ my own strengths and weaknesses.

[SKL]

Another acceptable, humble, honest answer to a compliment is to give credit to those who helped you.  "Thank you, it was a team effort, I can't say enough about how much Jen stepped up to the plate on this."  Or, "Thank you, you are a good teacher / example."

[ErinE]

If you want the self-deprecation to continue and also make the speaker think you probably agree with the self-putdowns, then yes, it's better to just let it go.

 

If you want it to stop and to build the person up, you have to address it.

 

"Why do you say that" is IMO a tactful way of saying "don't waste my time with BS when we have important work to do." To instead say "oh no, you are really wonderful" is IMO talking down to the person, as well as a waste of time. It also implies that if ever you didn't counter with gushing compliments, the hidden message is "yeah, you do kinda suck."

In a professional environment, if someone was self-deprecating, I would address it. First, it's not helping their career to put themselves down. Second, it's not my job to cheerlead, but it's not my job to listen someone put down his or her work. Third, pointing out flaws in your own work only invites more scrutiny. If I said, "excellent financial analysis," and the person responded with "Well, I forgot the interest coverage ratio," you can bet next time I'll review the work more closely and find something to criticize. If the work's not good, it shouldn't have been distributed to others. If it's good and receives positive comments, a person needs to learn to accept the compliment.

[SproutMamaK]

Count me in as another person who is TOTALLY uncomfortable with receiving compliments. On the one hand, I will say that when I put my mind to something, I generally do EXCELLENT work. I'm a perfectionist and my work reflects that. On the other hand, despite knowing that I do great work, I want that work to speak for itself, not for people to talk about how great I am. I don't want that attention.

Here's what helps me deal with compliments; don't compliment me. Compliment my work or my clothes or something that is not directly a part of my person. Say "this project is very thorough and you've answered all my questions" not "you did an excellent job with this!". Say "That dress is lovely" not "you look fantastic today!" Basically... I don't want the spotlight to be on me. That makes me horribly uncomfortable and I will self-depricate or deflect or do whatever else it takes to get people to stop looking at/paying close attention to me. Trying to force that attention on me when I clearly don't want it will make me even more uncomfortable, especially if people do it deliberately because they think it "helps" me. If a person were to do it on a consistent basis, I would find myself staying away from that person.

 

I suppose there are two totally opposite groups who do the same thing for the oppsite reason. There are those who do it fish for MORE attention, and those who do it because they want it to stop. I think you could probably figure out which type of person someone is simply by getting to know them in other ways, those sort of personality traits aren't isolated.

[Lara in Colo]

I have a very self depreciating sense of humor-- I think it helps to make me seem more approachable. For instance I KNOW I am a good mother and a good teacher-- but can have a conversation about how bad I am because my children eat hot dogs 3 days a week and they don't know how to tie their shoes.  I find that it opens up the conversation for more people to join in. 

 

Some people just don't "get it" and it falls flat and the conversation goes nowhere.  (usually with lawyers and psychologists and other peoples who have had their sense of humor surgically removed in college -(j/k --sorta) )

 

I also have a self esteem issue and I can really get bad around people I know--so DH will sometimes shake me and tell me to stop it and I will.

 

But for instance today I met with some other homeschool moms and I brought yummy scones-- they were a huge hit and I preened and said thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Incognito]

Thanks, everyone.  If it is some kind of cultural issue, it's not an obvious one.  She's a very quiet, very poised woman with impressive professional credentials.  We both volunteer with the same organization.  If she's asked to do something, she immediately states that she isn't very good at it, but she'll be happy to try; the results are spectacular, but she insists that she didn't do it well and others could have done so much more, etc.  Everyone else's ideas are fabulous, according to her, but she says her own (IMHO far superior) opinions have no worth.  It baffles me.  Her high level of work experience directly applies to what she does while volunteering, so I don't understand why she undersells herself so much.  

If she is that good, then I bet you she is fine.  She is probably trying to make sure others are included and feel valued, and she goes a little overboard on the self-deprication because she knows she blows others out of the water and she really wants to make them feel more equal.

[inmyopinion]

I use self-deprecating humor a lot.  First, I am hilarious (trust me).  Second, I am very secure about what I do well so I am also secure in what I can not do well.  It probably sounds like I am fishing for compliments, but I am just a realist.  I tell people all the time I have no talent so I am management and it is true.  I am good at organizing those with talent.  

[Lara in Colo]

I use self-deprecating humor a lot.  First, I am hilarious (trust me).  Second, I am very secure about what I do well so I am also secure in what I can not do well.  It probably sounds like I am fishing for compliments, but I am just a realist.  I tell people all the time I have no talent so I am management and it is true.  I am good at organizing those with talent.  

 

I am like this too-- I am a realist.  I am overweight and if I say that I am a very good cook and that is why I am a size 16 (along with the fact that I am too lazy to exercise)---   is that depreciating myself -- or just not fooling myself?

[klmama]

At least that is my unworthy opinion (bwahhahahaha--kidding.)

 

:laugh:

[WishboneDawn]

Thanks, everyone. If it is some kind of cultural issue, it's not an obviousnesss one. She's a very quiet, very poised woman with impressive professional credentials. We both volunteer with the same organization. If she's asked to do something, she immediately states that she isn't very good at it, but she'll be happy to try; the results are spectacular, but she insists that she didn't do it well and others could have done so much more, etc. Everyone else's ideas are fabulous, according to her, but she says her own (IMHO far superior) opinions have no worth. It baffles me. Her high level of work experience directly applies to what she does while volunteering, so I don't understand why she undersells herself so much.

She may feel a little self-conscious about her credentials and not want people to think the she thinks they grant her some sort of superiority.

 

Since its a volunteer thing I wouldn't say anything unless you guys became friends but if this were an employee I'd sit her down and tell her she has to learn how to give a fair assessment of her abilities instead of paying then down. It's . Important information that an employee needs and it's a little self-centered to constantly underrepresent your ability.

 

As a friend if let her know that it can get insulting to constantly have your compliments to disregarded and your assessment her abilities questioned.

 

Since it seems your neither I think you just have to put up with it but, like Albeto said, don't to fix her.

 

I am very uncomfortable with compliments too but I had to realize that, at some point, it can be pretty hurtful to others me to constantly dismiss their compliments.