Potlucks -- has anyone but me never, ever been to one?

[unsinkable]

When my daughter died it was not like that at all for me. I couldn't even eat let alone cook or think about food. I didn't leave the house except for the funeral and related needs for several weeks. I was unable to care for my other kids for weeks. I don't think they got a good level of care beyond the bare basics months and really it took years to be somewhat back to myself.

 

Food was certainly a welcome gift. I wouldn't assume everyone grieves like you. Having to leave the house to get food or eat out was way way way beyond what I could have handled.

(((Busymama7))) I am so sorry about your daughter.

[QueenCat]

So, if someone sends an invite saying "party at our house to celebrate XYZ" or "we feel like having a party for no reason please let me know if you can make it", that implies food is provided, no?  But, if people just automatically bring food to be polite does that make it a potluck? I used to just bring hostess gifts  (or birthday gifts if a b'day party), but after a few times showing up without food to share, I just adopted the local way of doing things, but it feels odd to bring food to a "party" when nothing was mentioned. And most of the time, the majority of things being brought in are sodas or store-bought cookies. :confused:

 

Am I just not up on the terminology? 

 

 

To me, it implies food is provided. I'd never bring food unless the hostess accepted my offer to bring it. I'd bring a more normal hostess gifts (wine, Christmas ornament, etc). In your case, if the norm seems to bring food even if it isn't mentioned, I'd probably ask "What can I bring?", and then follow the host's lead.

[unsinkable]

Obviously, anyone can discuss anything they want here, but we seem to have veered away from a fun thread about potlucks into the merits of bringing food to funerals, and now into the different ways people grieve.

 

It made me so sad to read busymama7's post about her daughter, and I would hate to think that this thread might be dredging up painful memories for anyone. I think we can all agree that everyone grieves differently and that there is no "right way" to deal with grief, so if anyone wants to discuss that topic further, I hope they will start a new thread about it.

 

I hope we can get back to the fun stuff now, or maybe someone will start another thread and we can all go over there and start a little trouble. :D

There is no one correct way to grieve, you're right. It sucks and it's horrible and it's whatever gets you through.

 

(((Hugs)))

[KungFuPanda]

How do you know who lives in Catwoman's immediate household?

You're making an assumption here.

It's true. I did assume that losing a husband or child would automatically be devastating on a whole different level and be much more detrimental to any ordinary day-to-day functioning. I should have considered that not everyone would feel that way.

[*Lulu*]

We have, unfortunately, experienced a large number of deaths in our combined families over the past 15 years. It is part of the territory with large families that have many older relations.

 

Even though most of the funerals have been in the same geographic area, the food response has varied based on the circumstances surrounding the death and the number of out of town relatives involved.

 

 

-------------In keeping with Op's request to keep it light-----------------

 

What I wish people would bring following a funeral is booze.

 

I look around and think, did you know this person at all? Our family is crazy as hell and you think a coffee cake will help?

 

Forget that. What we need is hard liquor.

 

I mean, if I am going to consume an ungodly amount of calories I'd at least like it to provide the side benefit of making me enjoy these fools a touch.

 

When my grandfather died a friend of his offered to go get me a frozen daiquiri. I thought, ah yes, YOU sir have met my family!

 

:P

[unsinkable]

It's true. I did assume that losing a husband or child would automatically be devastating on a whole different level and be much more detrimental to any ordinary day-to-day functioning. I should have considered that not everyone would feel that way.

My point was that perhaps Catwoman's parents or brother lived with her and were thus part of her immediate household

 

I know many families where this is the case, and when a parent or sibling who lived in the household died.

[busymama7]

Thanks for the condolences and I'm sorry for derailing the thread. I didn't think I was :(. Seemed like funeral potlucks and why they shouldn't be needed were being discussed. Just wanted to point out that not everyone is capable of just going on auto pilot.

[mytwomonkeys]

Thanks for the condolences and I'm sorry for derailing the thread. I didn't think I was :(. Seemed like funeral potlucks and why they shouldn't be needed were being discussed. Just wanted to point out that not everyone is capable of just going on auto pilot.

There is a woman in a bible study I attend. Her mom passed away recently & the church did bring food for a week or so. A few weeks later though she was obviously still grieving and really struggling to get out of bed. She mentioned how cleaning and cooking were the last thing she cared about, but she had a family to look out for. I felt really bad for her :( I couldn't make her feel better, but I could at least make them supper (or dinner, lol)... So I did. It felt like it was at least one less small thing she had to concern herself with for that day.

 

I'm so sorry about your loss :(

[Wildcat]

I have never been invited to an event without knowing the deal. So I can't answer that. Invites in my world go like this

 

Baby shower for Susie, Sunday at 4:00

 

Oh cool, covered dish!

 

Yes.

 

Or

 

No, cake and punch and I' m taking care of that.

 

Sure I can't bring something?

 

Well, if you like bring a couple bottles of sprite.

 

But the "deal" is implied, no? Or, it used to be. If you receive an invite (snail mail, e-mail, whatever) to something and there is no mention of how food will be provided, it is assumed it IS provided. Baby shower, birthday party, July 4th cook out, whatever.  The way I learned it was that if it's a bring-a-dish event, it is announced along with the invite. The events I have gone to do not do this. They SOUND like everything is provided, but people bring dishes.... how is a person to know? Why would one think to ask about bringing a dish to a baby shower?

 

If it was a bunch of friends saying "hey, lets have a baby shower for Friend" and the others say "oh, cool idea, how can we help?" I would see how that would go down, but to receive an invitation? Never would I have thought to bring food!

 

Using your baby shower example.... the last baby shower I attended had two or three hostesses. They provided the food (their gift to the new mom--they may have bought a gift, too, I didn't pay attention) and the rest of us brought gifts to open.  Never in a million years would I have thought to offer to bring a dish. Have times changed?

 

I think homeschool groups are one of the main reasons I have attended so many. Bring a snack to share ceremonies, picnics and game nights are really common in the groups I have been in.

 

Is bringing a (usually store-bought) snack or bottle of soda to a picnic a potluck? I thought potlucks/covered dish events were 'hot meal' events. The homeschool picnics I have attended are ones where we bring stuff for ourselves.

 

For events like theater parties where people write their names on a list of pre-approved/pre-planned items, I have been to some of those. But to me, that isn't "potluck" because there is no "luck" in it---- everyone knows what is going to be there.

 

 

To me, it implies food is provided. I'd never bring food unless the hostess accepted my offer to bring it. I'd bring a more normal hostess gifts (wine, Christmas ornament, etc). In your case, if the norm seems to bring food even if it isn't mentioned, I'd probably ask "What can I bring?", and then follow the host's lead.

 

I have learned over the years to automatically ask "what can I bring". What gets me, is when *I* try to host a party, and I reply "nothing, just yourselves!" people STILL bring food and we end up with way too much stuff. I have given up and just expect that people here bring food--- it must be a Southern thing to never go to anyone's home without food. I even had someone come over once to peruse my hsing materials (they were thinking of hsing), and the mom brought food. :lol:

 

So, in light of this thread, I guess I have been to a potluck, even though I have never been to an event where it was announced "Potluck dinner Friday at 7:00PM" or whatever.

 

Has the term 'potluck' evolved?

[Wildcat]

When my daughter died it was not like that at all for me. I couldn't even eat let alone cook or think about food. I didn't leave the house except for the funeral and related needs for several weeks. I was unable to care for my other kids for weeks. I don't think they got a good level of care beyond the bare basics months and really it took years to be somewhat back to myself.

 

Food was certainly a welcome gift. I wouldn't assume everyone grieves like you. Having to leave the house to get food or eat out was way way way beyond what I could have handled.

 

I am so sorry about your daughter. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

But the "deal" is implied, no? Or, it used to be. If you receive an invite (snail mail, e-mail, whatever) to something and there is no mention of how food will be provided, it is assumed it IS provided. Baby shower, birthday party, July 4th cook out, whatever. The way I learned it was that if it's a bring-a-dish event, it is announced along with the invite. The events I have gone to do not do this. They SOUND like everything is provided, but people bring dishes.... how is a person to know? Why would one think to ask about bringing a dish to a baby shower?

 

If it was a bunch of friends saying "hey, lets have a baby shower for Friend" and the others say "oh, cool idea, how can we help?" I would see how that would go down, but to receive an invitation? Never would I have thought to bring food!

 

Using your baby shower example.... the last baby shower I attended had two or three hostesses. They provided the food (their gift to the new mom--they may have bought a gift, too, I didn't pay attention) and the rest of us brought gifts to open. Never in a million years would I have thought to offer to bring a dish. Have times changed?

 

 

Is bringing a (usually store-bought) snack or bottle of soda to a picnic a potluck? I thought potlucks/covered dish events were 'hot meal' events. The homeschool picnics I have attended are ones where we bring stuff for ourselves.

 

For events like theater parties where people write their names on a list of pre-approved/pre-planned items, I have been to some of those. But to me, that isn't "potluck" because there is no "luck" in it---- everyone knows what is going to be there.

 

 

 

I have learned over the years to automatically ask "what can I bring". What gets me, is when *I* try to host a party, and I reply "nothing, just yourselves!" people STILL bring food and we end up with way too much stuff. I have given up and just expect that people here bring food--- it must be a Southern thing to never go to anyone's home without food. I even had someone come over once to peruse my hsing materials (they were thinking of hsing), and the mom brought food. :lol:

 

So, in light of this thread, I guess I have been to a potluck, even though I have never been to an event where it was announced "Potluck dinner Friday at 7:00PM" or whatever.

 

Has the term 'potluck' evolved?

I have never been invited to a covered dish, especially with an invitation, where it isn't spoken or written that it is a covered dish.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have never been invited to a covered dish, especially with an invitation, where it isn't spoken or written that it is a covered dish.

I go to one semi-regular event (invitation only) where it isn't spoken or written anymore.  But it was when it was first started.  So the "regulars" know that the host will provide a main dish and the sides are all up to us - if we want to (it isn't required or anything).  Anyone coming into our group now might wonder at this strange unspoken "rule" of ours!  

[QueenCat]

I have learned over the years to automatically ask "what can I bring". What gets me, is when *I* try to host a party, and I reply "nothing, just yourselves!" people STILL bring food and we end up with way too much stuff. I have given up and just expect that people here bring food--- it must be a Southern thing to never go to anyone's home without food. I even had someone come over once to peruse my hsing materials (they were thinking of hsing), and the mom brought food. :lol:

 

So, in light of this thread, I guess I have been to a potluck, even though I have never been to an event where it was announced "Potluck dinner Friday at 7:00PM" or whatever.

 

Has the term 'potluck' evolved?

 

I'm in the South........ in both places I've lived in the South, it was rare that I was expected or asked to bring food to a dinner/party (I would offer but the offer was usually declined) UNLESS it was some kind of group event, then everyone brings something. If I host, I decline offers of food except for offerings of dessert, and that is only if I know you really well. Most people bring wine, flowers, candy or some other kind of hostess gift. I don't think I've ever had someone bring food they expected to have served when I had declined their offer.

 

[Catwoman]

It's true. I did assume that losing a husband or child would automatically be devastating on a whole different level and be much more detrimental to any ordinary day-to-day functioning. I should have considered that not everyone would feel that way.

I think losing a child is the most devastating thing that could happen to anyone. I don't know how people survive it. My parents lost one of my brothers when he was a baby and they also outlived my other brother. My aunt and uncle lost two of their daughters, one to cancer and the other to a complication of some surgery she'd had. But they all still functioned. They would have been shocked if people started showing up at the house, either with or without food. Our family tends to grieve privately. When someone dies, people call with condolences, but they don't rush over to the house. We would hate it if people did that. Out-of-town relatives fly in, get a hotel room, and show up at the wake and/or the funeral. Nobody has to entertain them.

 

Honestly, I am having a difficult time understanding why you seem to think that my family grieves less just because we don't follow the same traditions to which you are accustomed. I'm probably just being too sensitive about it, but it kind of feels like you don't think our families are very close, just because we give each other space when we need it. Not everyone is comfortable with people rushing in to help them, nor do they feel the need for company when they're grieving, nor do they want people to start bringing them food. What you view as comforting and nice would be viewed as highly intrusive in our family. We would know you meant well and would appreciate your concern, but we would wish you would just leave us alone until we want to start interacting with people again.

 

It truly isn't the kind of situation where one way of doing things is better than another. I don't think we can judge people or how much they love each other on the basis of how they handle a family tragedy. Different people have different personalities and different needs, so all we can do is hope that their needs are met when things are at their worst.

 

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm arguing with you or picking on you. I think we're just from very different backgrounds and that we don't have the same family cultures, so it can be hard to see things from each other's point of view on this particular topic (and on the potluck thing, too! ;))

[MyThreeSons]

It truly isn't the kind of situation where one way of doing things is better than another. I don't think we can judge people or how much they love each other on the basis of how they handle a family tragedy. Different people have different personalities and different needs, so all we can do is hope that their needs are met when things are at their worst.

 

Absolutely!! Different isn't better or worse. What seems "normal" to me is what I grew up with. And now that I'm far from that home, "normal" is a little different here, but not so different as to seem "foreign", if that makes sense. I take comfort in having people and food around when I'm grieving, because that's the only way I've ever done it. I can understand that if you've never done it that way, that would be uncomfortable for you.

[Catwoman]

Absolutely!! Different isn't better or worse. What seems "normal" to me is what I grew up with. And now that I'm far from that home, "normal" is a little different here, but not so different as to seem "foreign", if that makes sense. I take comfort in having people and food around when I'm grieving, because that's the only way I've ever done it. I can understand that if you've never done it that way, that would be uncomfortable for you.

Thanks, Laura -- and I can definitely understand how it could be very lonely to not have people around if that's the way things have always been for you. If you were around my family, you'd think we didn't care about you because we didn't drop by with some food, while we would think we were being considerate of your need for privacy at such a difficult time.

 

I guess it just goes to show that if we need something, we should ask for it, rather than assuming that other people will automatically do things the way we're accustomed to them being done, or being insulted when someone doesn't follow our usual protocol.

[QueenCat]

For those of you who say it's the norm to bring food to any party, do you mean organized groups and family, or do you include private parties you are invited to? I'm trying to fathom bringing food to things like cocktail parties and such........ As far as regional, I'm in the South...........

[MyThreeSons]

If you were around my family, you'd think we didn't care about you because we didn't drop by with some food, while we would think we were being considerate of your need for privacy at such a difficult time.

 

I would hope that I wouldn't think badly of you for not bringing food. If every single person we knew brought food, that would be overwhelming! 

[Aspasia]

I'm not entirely sure I want to make them, what with the whole "funeral" association and my concern that I might be jinxing myself into an early grave, but I have to ask -- how do you make funeral potatoes?

 

Do the potatoes have to die first? Does the recipe involve some sort of complex embalming procedure? If you accidentally burn them, do you say you cremated them?

 

I need to know! (I love potatoes!)

You can google "Mormon funeral potatoes" and find out all kinds of info about them (looks like there is even a Wikipedia entry). Weird.

 

Here's one version of the recipe: http://saltlakecity.about.com/od/diningnightlife/r/Funeral-Potatoes-Best-Recipe.htm

 

It's just potatoes (hash browns), onions, cream soup, sour cream, and cheese, topped with buttery corn flakes. A most delightful heart attack.

[Aspasia]

For those of you who say it's the norm to bring food to any party, do you mean organized groups and family, or do you include private parties you are invited to? I'm trying to fathom bringing food to things like cocktail parties and such........ As far as regional, I'm in the South...........

I always just ask, "What can I bring?" Sometimes people are specific (dessert, salad, etc). Other times they leave it open. Other times they tell me not to worry about it. But I always ask.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I thought of this thread last night.  Ds and dh went to a men's potluck.  Dh has gotten in trouble for bringing food that is too healthy because the other men said that this should be guy food!  

[Pod's mum]

I'm Australian.

We "bring a plate".

 

(By the way, it has shared food on it and goes on the table.)