Potlucks -- has anyone but me never, ever been to one?

[fairfarmhand]

The pie potluck we had at work last year was fabulous.

 

oh my word.

 

HEAVENLY!!!!!

[unsinkable]

http://spark.rstudio.com/jkatz/SurveyMaps/

 

Question 96

 

"What is the distinction between dinner and supper?" One of the answer choices is " I do not use the term supper."

[LucyStoner]

See, I disagree. Food is a language here. You share it to speak your care and condolences to those you love. So if someone has a new baby, a death, an illness, etc. You would prepare meals to show that you care. It has nothing to do with economics. Preparing meals isn't cheap! Pot lucks & covered dishes are the same way. It is a way to fellowship & honor god :D

I agree with that is one way that people mark/heal after the death of a loved one but am saying that money brings choices and that having catering as an option is unquestionably tied to having the financial means to pay for it all. We didn't have a lot of people at my FILs funeral (miserable men don't draw a crowd) yet we spent more on food than is the norm on many branches of the family tree to spend on burial costs. Thinking that the default is to pay for expensive options, buy gifts, buy stuff is a sign that someone is navigating life never having felt a serious lack of financial resources. Money matters, plain and simple.

[ChiMomNP]

When someone dies, you call them, send a sympathy card or a Mass card, or order a fruit basket to be delivered to them, and you'd also send flowers to the funeral home or make a charitable donation on their behalf if that's what they've requested, but no one I know would show up at someone's house with a casserole or anything like that.

 

Why would people bring food to a funeral? In our family, after the service and the cemetery, everyone is invited to a local restaurant. I have occasionally been to people's homes after a funeral, but even then, people don't show up with food. It's usually catered, although I've been to one or two where a member of the deceased person's family or their housekeeper cooked. But our family just does the restaurant thing. It's easier, and there's no clean-up afterward.

 

If someone wants to send something after someone dies, they might send a fruit basket to their home or something, but it's not like someone would show up at the door with a casserole.

 

Exactly. After the funeral service, we have always gone to a local restaurant which usually does a buffet type set-up. 

 

I grew up in the Boston area and lived in Newport Beach, CA for many years. So maybe it has been a geographic thing. 

[vonfirmath]

It's nice to know.

 

I've been to many potlucks buuuuuuuut! I've never been to a covered dish supper.

 

I've never been to something called a covered dish supper. But if I saw one I'd just figure it was another name for a potluck.

[ChiMomNP]

  

 

:party:

 

Another freak like me!!!!

 

I'm so happy! :hurray:

 

My 14 year-old heard my husband and I talking about it and he said "I don't even know what a potluck is". 

 

My husband remembers his parents going to them when he lived in the midwest as a child, but he doesn't recall going to them. 

 

He never went to any as an adult, but he spent 30+ years living in southern CA on the coast. Potlucks were just not part of the culture/lifestyle he lived. 

 

When invited to someone's house for a party or dinner, we bring wine. That is pretty standard with people we know. 

 

So you are not alone. It would be more uncommon with people we know to have been to them, than not. 

[Catwoman]

My 14 year-old heard my husband and I talking about it and he said "I don't even know what a potluck is".

 

My husband remembers his parents going to them when he lived in the midwest as a child, but he doesn't recall going to them.

 

He never went to any as an adult, but he spent 30+ years living in southern CA on the coast. Potlucks were just not part of the culture/lifestyle he lived.

 

When invited to someone's house for a party or dinner, we bring wine. That is pretty standard with people we know.

 

So you are not alone. It would be more uncommon with people we know to have been to them, than not.

:hurray: :hurray: :hurray: :hurray:

 

Thanks for posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[QueenCat]

When invited to someone's house for a party or dinner, we bring wine. That is pretty standard with people we know. 

 

 

That is the norm for us too. But we do go to potlucks and covered dish meals. They are based around more formal group activities, such as a homeschool group get together, or a church activity or something like that. If invited to a home for a party/dinner, the host typically provides everything, including wine/drinks. The wine brought is something extra. The exception for me is that we have  group of neighbors that will decide on a Saturday afternoon to get together on one of our decks, and we'll all bring an appetizer and drink to share.

[Audrey]

I'm starting to think my culture is just weird.

 

I'm also thinking that if we ever move someplace else, I'm going to be spending a lot of time here on this forum, asking for advice on how to handle social situations, because I am realizing that what is normal for us would be considered rude or strange by a lot of people in other places.

 

Umm... no.  I think your culture is pretty common.  It was my norm until I got married and moved here.  I never attended a potluck at church.  Growing up, our church ran a soup kitchen, but that was not potluck.  We didn't ever do anything else with food because I think people preferred that socializing not revolve around food as our community work did revolve around it. 

 

In university, I never belonged to any groups where potlucks took place.  If food was involved, it was prepared by one person/family or a restaurant or a caterer.  That was the norm.  None of my friends ever threw potluck parties/suppers, either.  It just wasn't the norm.

 

When I moved here, it was a totally different culture (in more ways that food).  This culture includes food in every social event.  Food is integral to any gathering of people no matter how large or small.  Everything revolves around food.  My theory is that it is that way because it's an agrarian area and if you aren't growing food, it is likely that your occupation is involved in food in some way.  I am probably off on that, but I'm telling you... people here are OBSESSED with food.  (imo) 

[MedicMom]

So interesting. I remember how shocked I was when my FIL died and only one person, a neighbor, showed up with food. In my world, as soon as someone dies food begins arriving. It is done as a matter of practicality because even grieving people have to eat and relatives often start showing up from out of town. We don't take food to the actual funeral but there is always a gathering afterward, almost always someone's home, to eat and mingle with those who attended the funeral.

My step grandmother died completely unexpectedly on Monday(she was only 56). We hadn't even made it back from the hospital before people were coming over with casseroles, meat trays , buns and coffee.

Seriously...four hours after she had passed there was food all over the house.

[MyThreeSons]

I have never been to a potluck supper, lunch, dinner, breakfast, brunch, or any other event with the word "potluck" in the title.

 

We don't even do the potluck thing at family parties. If you host a party, it's all on you to provide the food and beverages.

 

Am I the only one?

 

IMPORTANT NOTE: If this thread goes on for a little while, and it looks like I really and truly am the only one, I hope at least a few people will lie to make me feel like I'm not a complete freak.

 

I don't know that I've ever been to anything officially called a "potluck", but I have been to probably a gazillion events where people brought food to share. Breakfasts, brunches, lunches, salad luncheons, picnics, fellowships, dinners, desserts, salad suppers, holiday meals, game nights, showers, birthday parties, going away parties, welcome back parties, meet-and-greet events, Missions Conference dinners, Barbecues, sports teams year-end celebrations, reunions, and probably more. 

 

When dh's family gets together at holidays and other special occasions, there's likely to be 70+ people. No way could one person or family do all of the food -- it would simply be too much both cost-wise and time-wise. 

[Cafdog]

I wish I could do dinner potlucks. I am so sick of having to think about dinner every day.

 

Almost every company meal growing up and church function was potluck. I can't even count how many bowls of red jello with marshmallows I ate growing up.

 

Hundreds, probably. I grew up Lutheran.

 

Me too!  You know you are/were a Lutheran if your childhood memories of "salad" at potlucks was mostly jello with carrots, celery, cherries, or any combination thereof.   :laugh:

[Jeannie in NJ]

My mother lived in a small town in Texas that she had moved to after I had left home for college so neither I nor my brothers ever met any of the neighbors.  She lived alone and died in a freak accident.  Dh and I flew to her town from NJ, mom's brother flew in from California and other relatives came from other parts of Texas.  We all stayed at mom's house.  After the funeral, we came back to the house and the table was loaded down with food, even a brisket.  It was enough food to last all of us for the week that we stayed.  We never found out who all the food was from or how they got in the house with it.

 

p.s. none of us got poisoned and the food was great.  There were even paper plates, cups, etc.  Everything we could need for the week.

 

In New Jersey I have been to quite a few funerals and not once has anyone brought food to anyone's house.  THe relatives of the deceased either have it catered at their home, or the church supplies a lunch or sometimes it has been at a restaurant.

[MyThreeSons]

Why would people bring food to a funeral? In our family, after the service and the cemetery, everyone is invited to a local restaurant. I have occasionally been to people's homes after a funeral, but even then, people don't show up with food. It's usually catered, although I've been to one or two where a member of the deceased person's family or their housekeeper cooked. But our family just does the restaurant thing. It's easier, and there's no clean-up afterward.

 

If someone wants to send something after someone dies, they might send a fruit basket to their home or something, but it's not like someone would show up at the door with a casserole.

 

I grew up in CA and have lived in SC for the past 15 years. In both places, the standard is that people congregate at the home of a close family member. There is tons of food, with leftovers likely to last for days afterwards. 

 

At the close of the service at the funeral home or gravesite, either the minister or a representative of the funeral home makes an announcement telling everyone where the family will be gathering. Here in SC, the obituary notice in the newspaper will often say something like "The family is at the home Susan Smith, 1234 Main St, Anytown", which everyone knows means that's the place to take your casseroles, meat and cheese platters, desserts, etc. for the days between the death and funeral service. 

 

When my Dad passed away (2002), the trend was to stop by the deli section of the grocery store and pick up a rotisserie chicken, some salad and dessert. We received three such combinations within a few hours of my Dad's passing. It was very welcome -- we didn't have to worry about fixing anything or going anywhere. 

[Pawz4me]

I haven't been to a covered dish (potluck) event since . . . let me think, it was. . . . Saturday. :laugh:

 

When someone dies here the family congregates at one of the family members' homes and everybody (and I do mean everybody) brings food.  More food than you have any idea what to do with.  It really kind of adds to the stress.

[Catwoman]

I haven't been to a covered dish (potluck) event since . . . let me think, it was. . . . Saturday. :laugh:

OK, now you're just taunting me! :D

 

When someone dies here the family congregates at one of the family members' homes and everybody (and I do mean everybody) brings food. More food than you have any idea what to do with. It really kind of adds to the stress.

Inviting people to a restaurant is so much easier. No cooking, no cleanup, no relatives who don't know when to go home......

[Aspasia]

In the LDS church, the ladies in the ward (congregation) prepare a luncheon for the entire funeral party. There's even a signature dish--"funeral potatoes". For real, that's what they're called. I can honestly say I've never been to an LDS funeral that didn't serve them. And they're DELICIOUS! We all make them for other occasions, too...but we always call them funeral potatoes. :D

[Catwoman]

In the LDS church, the ladies in the ward (congregation) prepare a luncheon for the entire funeral party. There's even a signature dish--"funeral potatoes". For real, that's what they're called. I can honestly say I've never been to an LDS funeral that didn't serve them. And they're DELICIOUS! We all make them for other occasions, too...but we always call them funeral potatoes. :D

I'm not entirely sure I want to make them, what with the whole "funeral" association and my concern that I might be jinxing myself into an early grave, but I have to ask -- how do you make funeral potatoes?

 

Do the potatoes have to die first? Does the recipe involve some sort of complex embalming procedure? If you accidentally burn them, do you say you cremated them?

 

I need to know! (I love potatoes!)

[Wildcat]

Count me in as another member of the NBTAP Club (Never Been To A Potluck Club).

 

 

 

If it helps any... in my first 30 years I had never been to a potluck.  Since then I've been to at least 50 as a very conservative estimate. 

 

So you might not be a complete freak.  You might just be due for a LOT of potlucks.

 

This scares me. I wouldn't know what to bring or how to transport it!

 

Not even FUNERALS? What else can you do when someone dies but take food to their family?

 

I have never been to a funeral. Seriously.

 

 

I don't go to church, I don't belong to clubs, I have a very, very small family, and my very small family is scattered across several countries & continents, so we don't 'gather'. And, as I said above, I have never been to a funeral.

 

I have been to people's houses where I have brought something to share, because that is the 'norm' here. No one "asks" folks to bring something, it's just something everyone does. In fact, when I invite people here for a party, everyone *always* bring something, even when I say everything is provided. :lol: Catering here would be met with blank stares and dropped jaws, though.... 

 

So... what does one bring to a potluck/covered dish supper/dinner/gathering, and how on Earth does the food stay warm?!

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Count me in as another member of the NBTAP Club (Never Been To A Potluck Club).

 

 

 

 

This scares me. I wouldn't know what to bring or how to transport it!

 

 

I have never been to a funeral. Seriously.

 

 

I don't go to church, I don't belong to clubs, I have a very, very small family, and my very small family is scattered across several countries & continents, so we don't 'gather'. And, as I said above, I have never been to a funeral.

 

I have been to people's houses where I have brought something to share, because that is the 'norm' here. No one "asks" folks to bring something, it's just something everyone does. In fact, when I invite people here for a party, everyone *always* bring something, even when I say everything is provided. :lol: Catering here would be met with blank stares and dropped jaws, though.... 

 

So... what does one bring to a potluck/covered dish supper/dinner/gathering, and how on Earth does the food stay warm?!

If other invited people also bring something to share, then you've been to a potluck even if they didn't call it that.

[Wildcat]

If other invited people also bring something to share, then you've been to a potluck even if they didn't call it that.

 

But the hostess provided everything. Others brought food to share in lieu of hostess gifts. It's an unspoken thing here. Is that still a 'potluck'? I thought 'potluck' was sort of announced like "we'll provide X, Y, and Z" then others are expected to fill in the blanks. At least, that's what I always gathered from movies & books. :lol:

[mytwomonkeys]

But the hostess provided everything. Others brought food to share in lieu of hostess gifts. It's an unspoken thing here. Is that still a 'potluck'? I thought 'potluck' was sort of announced like "we'll provide X, Y, and Z" then others are expected to fill in the blanks. At least, that's what I always gathered from movies & books. :lol:

If everyone is bringing random things, that's a pot luck. If you assign food, that's a covered dish.

 

Thanks to CathieC for clarifying that :)

[Arcadia]

 Again, potlucks are a big part of American culture and are seen in all sorts of income levels but having the option of pricey prepared or catered foods is something that comes with money.

For hubby and my extended family, paying for catering; $10~$25 per person, was easier than having more than five cooks in a small family kitchen :lol:

My MIL loves to cook and cooks very well. However cooking enough food for 18 people for dinner is hard to do in her tiny kitchen so some dishes are prepared.

 

ETA:

All of us pay up for catering according to family headcount.

[Joker]

I'm amazed at those that get through the death of a close loved one without others bringing provisions! I can't imagine that any of us would have eaten at all after my dad and brother died had people not brought food, drinks, plates, etc. I can't imagine us going out to eat, shopping, or cooking for ourselves. Our friends and neighbors made sure we didn't have to do that for at least a week and I'm so grateful.

 

I can't count the number of potlucks I've been to, and I've lived in several different states from one coast to the other. I attended at least one in each of those states.

[Wildcat]

If everyone is bringing random things, that's a pot luck. If you assign food, that's a covered dish.

 

Thanks to CathieC for clarifying that :)

 

So, if someone sends an invite saying "party at our house to celebrate XYZ" or "we feel like having a party for no reason please let me know if you can make it", that implies food is provided, no?  But, if people just automatically bring food to be polite does that make it a potluck? I used to just bring hostess gifts  (or birthday gifts if a b'day party), but after a few times showing up without food to share, I just adopted the local way of doing things, but it feels odd to bring food to a "party" when nothing was mentioned. And most of the time, the majority of things being brought in are sodas or store-bought cookies. :confused:

 

Am I just not up on the terminology? 

[mytwomonkeys]

So, if someone sends an invite saying "party at our house to celebrate XYZ" or "we feel like having a party for no reason please let me know if you can make it", that implies food is provided, no? But, if people just automatically bring food to be polite does that make it a potluck? I used to just bring hostess gifts (or birthday gifts if a b'day party), but after a few times showing up without food to share, I just adopted the local way of doing things, but it feels odd to bring food to a "party" when nothing was mentioned. And most of the time, the majority of things being brought in are sodas or store-bought cookies. :confused:

 

Am I just not up on the terminology?

I have no idea!! lol

I've only just discovered my whole life has been a covered dish!

[KungFuPanda]

 

I'm amazed at those that get through the death of a close loved one without others bringing provisions! I can't imagine that any of us would have eaten at all after my dad and brother died had people not brought food, drinks, plates, etc. I can't imagine us going out to eat, shopping, or cooking for ourselves. Our friends and neighbors made sure we didn't have to do that for at least a week and I'm so grateful.

 

I can't count the number of potlucks I've been to, and I've lived in several different states from one coast to the other. I attended at least one in each of those states.

That's what I was wondering. In my world, if someone dies, food for a week just shows up. If you go to a restaurant, what does the grieving family DO for the rest of the week? Cook? Shop? Get take-out? Starve? Does nobody care or think about this past the funeral day meal?

[Scarlett]

So, if someone sends an invite saying "party at our house to celebrate XYZ" or "we feel like having a party for no reason please let me know if you can make it", that implies food is provided, no? But, if people just automatically bring food to be polite does that make it a potluck? I used to just bring hostess gifts (or birthday gifts if a b'day party), but after a few times showing up without food to share, I just adopted the local way of doing things, but it feels odd to bring food to a "party" when nothing was mentioned. And most of the time, the majority of things being brought in are sodas or store-bought cookies. :confused:

 

Am I just not up on the terminology?

I have never been invited to an event without knowing the deal. So I can't answer that. Invites in my world go like this

 

Baby shower for Susie, Sunday at 4:00

 

Oh cool, covered dish!

 

Yes.

 

Or

 

No, cake and punch and I' m taking care of that.

 

Sure I can't bring something?

 

Well, if you like bring a couple bottles of sprite.

[Scarlett]

That's what I was wondering. In my world, if someone dies, food for a week just shows up. If you go to a restaurant, what does the grieving family DO for the rest of the week? Cook? Shop? Get take-out? Starve? Does nobody care or think about this past the funeral day meal?

I know! How do the grieving survive? I don't get it. Or how do new moms survive without a months worth of meals in the freezer!

[Catwoman]

That's what I was wondering. In my world, if someone dies, food for a week just shows up. If you go to a restaurant, what does the grieving family DO for the rest of the week? Cook? Shop? Get take-out? Starve? Does nobody care or think about this past the funeral day meal?

  

I know! How do the grieving survive? I don't get it. Or how do new moms survive without a months worth of meals in the freezer!

They do exactly what they did before the person died. Why wouldn't they be capable of going out to eat or cooking for themselves? What are they supposed to do, sit around the house all day long?

 

I think it's ridiculous to think that no one cares about the bereaved just because they didn't bring them a bunch of food. That doesn't make any sense at all to me. I certainly wouldn't want people dropping off random meals at my house. It would feel horribly intrusive. I'm an adult. If someone close to me dies (and they have,) I deal with it. I'm sad, not paralyzed.

 

And when I was a new mom, I survived just fine without anyone bringing meals to me. Why wouldn't I? Sure, I was tired and so was my dh, but we didn't have any problem feeding ourselves.

 

I guess it's just a different mentality, because our family and friends don't do any of those things, and everyone is fine with it. It's considered perfectly normal. I don't understand why anyone would be so shocked about it or think it indicates a lack of caring. That is simply not the case at all.

[Scarlett]

 

They do exactly what they did before the person died. Why wouldn't they be capable of going out to eat or cooking for themselves? What are they supposed to do, sit around the house all day long?

 

I think it's ridiculous to think that no one cares about the bereaved just because they didn't bring them a bunch of food. That doesn't make any sense at all to me. I certainly wouldn't want people dropping off random meals at my house. It would feel horribly intrusive. I'm an adult. If someone close to me dies (and they have,) I deal with it. I'm sad, not paralyzed.

 

And when I was a new mom, I survived just fine without anyone bringing meals to me. Why wouldn't I? Sure, I was tired and so was my dh, but we didn't have any problem feeding ourselves.

 

I guess it's just a different mentality, because our family and friends don't do any of those things, and everyone is fine with it. It's considered perfectly normal. I don't understand why anyone would be so shocked about it or think it indicates a lack of caring. That is simply not the case at all.

It isn't that it indicates a lack of caring. It is just waaaay outside the norm for me.

 

And seriously, meals dropped off at your house you would NOT want? Why?

 

Btw, it isn't usually random. It is organized. Someone makes up a list and various people cook. The receipiant is notified who will be bring what and when.

[Joker]

  

They do exactly what they did before the person died. Why wouldn't they be capable of going out to eat or cooking for themselves? What are they supposed to do, sit around the house all day long?

 

 

 

We wrote thank you cards for all the flowers and food. We picked out a stone marker for the grave. We cleaned out their homes and decided what to do with their things. We took care of their bills, the insurance money, etc. There were so many things to do and we didn't want to do any of them. It was all made easier by having others take care of the food and drinks. We most definitely didn't sit around the house all day. Going out in any capacity and having to see people was the last thing we wanted to do.

[Catwoman]

It isn't that it indicates a lack of caring. It is just waaaay outside the norm for me.

 

And seriously, meals dropped off at your house you would NOT want? Why?

 

Btw, it isn't usually random. It is organized. Someone makes up a list and various people cook. The receipiant is notified who will be bring what and when.

If I need someone to make meals for me, I just hire someone or order from a restaurant. My dh and I are pretty particular about food, so most of the food would go to waste anyway. We don't really eat things like casseroles or meals that you can freeze and then reheat.

 

I think it's very sweet that people do things like that for each other, but it's not something we have ever done. We are a pretty independent bunch, and it works for us, and no one feels slighted or unloved, because the expectation isn't there.

 

I guess it's just all a matter of what you're used to.

[Catwoman]

We wrote thank you cards for all the flowers and food. We picked out a stone marker for the grave. We cleaned out their homes and decided what to do with their things. We took care of their bills, the insurance money, etc. There were so many things to do and we didn't want to do any of them. It was all made easier by having others take care of the food and drinks. We most definitely didn't sit around the house all day. Going out in any capacity and having to see people was the last thing we wanted to do.

I have been in the same situation and done the same things, but I guess I just don't see any advantage to having other people bring my food and beverages to me. How hard is it to make a meal or go out to eat?

 

I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative, but believe me, there are many, many people who live the same way I do, even if hardly anyone here knows any of them, and we all manage to survive without outside intervention, and we prefer it that way.

 

I'm not saying that anyone else's way of doing things is wrong. It's just different from the way we do things. I'm not sure why anyone would have a problem with that. (I don't mean you -- I'm just speaking generally.)

[8circles]

Where I live bringing food to people who have just lost a loved one is the norm.  When it happens to me, I would rather they didn't.  So while a world without potluck is mind-boggling, I understand that just because that's the way it is for most people doesn't make it the only right way.

[Catwoman]

Where I live bringing food to people who have just lost a loved one is the norm. When it happens to me, I would rather they didn't. So while a world without potluck is mind-boggling, I understand that just because that's the way it is for most people doesn't make it the only right way.

Thanks. I appreciate that. :)

[Joker]

I have been in the same situation and done the same things, but I guess I just don't see any advantage to having other people bring my food and beverages to me. How hard is it to make a meal or go out to eat?

 

I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative, but believe me, there are many, many people who live the same way I do, even if hardly anyone here knows any of them, and we all manage to survive without outside intervention, and we prefer it that way.

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative either but it was very hard to function normally for a bit, and I don't find anything at all wrong with that. We took the time we needed for ourselves to be together and work through it. There wasn't a single place I could go after losing the both of them that I wasn't reminded of them and it hurt. It was very difficult and took time.

 

Maybe the biggest difference is that we also don't consider it "outside intervention". These are our close friends and family. They are able to share happy stories with us about those that have passed and we don't view them as intruders.

 

If no one had helped us out, I know we would have survived. I'm just very grateful that we didn't have to do it our own.

 

It's great if you can get through it fine on your own, but I don't think there is anything wrong with others needing a bit of help.

[Catwoman]

It's great if you can get through it fine on your own, but I don't think there is anything wrong with others needing a bit of help.

I don't think so, either. If someone needs help, I hope they receive it.

 

I just meant that I don't think people should automatically assume that a bereaved person or a new mom would necessarily need or want any help, or that they are odd if they don't.

[KungFuPanda]

I have been in the same situation and done the same things, but I guess I just don't see any advantage to having other people bring my food and beverages to me. How hard is it to make a meal or go out to eat?

I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative, but believe me, there are many, many people who live the same way I do, even if hardly anyone here knows any of them, and we all manage to survive without outside intervention, and we prefer it that way.

I'm not saying that anyone else's way of doing things is wrong. It's just different from the way we do things. I'm not sure why anyone would have a problem with that. (I don't mean you -- I'm just speaking generally.)

I imagine it is VERY hard to make food or go out to eat when you've suffered a life changing blow, but I'm just guessing since I haven't lost a parent or immediate family member. The last time I was part of an effort like this, it was for a young widow with four children. She just lost her husband and wanted to cry and do nothing, yet she had four kids to feed at least three times a day. She didn't feel like eating at all, much less cooking. The people who cooked were close friends who knew their dietary restrictions and food preferences. The meals were organized with an online calendar, so you could see what others were bringing and plan accordingly.

 

It seems much easier to pull off food after a baby. You're tired, but not grieving. A death is different, especially when someone you live with is lost.

[Catwoman]

I imagine it is VERY hard to make food or go out to eat when you've suffered a life changing blow, but I'm just guessing since I haven't lost a parent or immediate family member.

Honestly, you just sort of go on auto-pilot and function pretty normally within a very short time, or at least that's what we have done. I have lost my brother, my mom, my dad, my MIL... you get the idea... and while the losses were heartbreaking (especially when both of my parents died within months of each other,) we tried to keep things as normal as we could. It never occurred to us to ask other people to help us with anything.

 

I think it depends on what you find comforting. If I'm very upset or sad, I don't want any company. I don't want anyone but my dh and my ds around me. Having people visit has always been at the absolute bottom of my list when I'm unhappy, so having people drop by with food wouldn't be good for me at all.

[Mrs Mungo]

I have homeschooled since day one, but our local public schools don't do potlucks, either. Usually, people buy tickets for different types of banquets.

 

I think homeschool groups are one of the main reasons I have attended so many. Bring a snack to share ceremonies, picnics and game nights are really common in the groups I have been in.

[busymama7]

Honestly, you just sort of go on auto-pilot and function pretty normally within a very short time, or at least that's what we have done. I have lost my brother, my mom, my dad, my MIL... you get the idea... and while the losses were heartbreaking (especially when both of my parents died within months of each other,) we tried to keep things as normal as we could. It never occurred to us to ask other people to help us with anything.

 

I think it depends on what you find comforting. If I'm very upset or sad, I don't want any company. I don't want anyone but my dh and my ds around me. Having people visit has always been at the absolute bottom of my list when I'm unhappy, so having people drop by with food wouldn't be good for me at all.

When my daughter died it was not like that at all for me. I couldn't even eat let alone cook or think about food. I didn't leave the house except for the funeral and related needs for several weeks. I was unable to care for my other kids for weeks. I don't think they got a good level of care beyond the bare basics months and really it took years to be somewhat back to myself.

 

Food was certainly a welcome gift. I wouldn't assume everyone grieves like you. Having to leave the house to get food or eat out was way way way beyond what I could have handled.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The "Potluck" is part of my culture - both in the U.S. and in Japan.  But I like to eat out too. ;)   Mainly, I just like to eat with friends.  

[Catwoman]

When my daughter died it was not like that at all for me. I couldn't even eat let alone cook or think about food. I didn't leave the house except for the funeral and related needs for several weeks. I was unable to care for my other kids for weeks. I don't think they got a good level of care beyond the bare basics months and really it took years to be somewhat back to myself.

 

Food was certainly a welcome gift. I wouldn't assume everyone grieves like you. Having to leave the house to get food or eat out was way way way beyond what I could have handled.

I'm terribly sorry about your daughter. :(

[Catwoman]

Obviously, anyone can discuss anything they want here, but we seem to have veered away from a fun thread about potlucks into the merits of bringing food to funerals, and now into the different ways people grieve.

 

It made me so sad to read busymama7's post about her daughter, and I would hate to think that this thread might be dredging up painful memories for anyone. I think we can all agree that everyone grieves differently and that there is no "right way" to deal with grief, so if anyone wants to discuss that topic further, I hope they will start a new thread about it.

 

I hope we can get back to the fun stuff now, or maybe someone will start another thread and we can all go over there and start a little trouble. :D

[Mrs Mungo]

 

They do exactly what they did before the person died. Why wouldn't they be capable of going out to eat or cooking for themselves? What are they supposed to do, sit around the house all day long?

My family is really big. When my sister passed away, extended family members and members of the church brought tons of food. It wasn't "random people." The food fed all of the visiting family members, including people who had flown in. There was a TON of stuff we had to do in the few days in between her passing and the funeral. We shopped for clothes, shopped for flowers, decided on a minister, chose songs, decided who would speak, wrote speeches, picked a casket, wrote up an order of service, decided who would be pall bearers, had a lot of difficult conversations, wrote her obituary, attended two viewings and so forth. We were totally exhausted-physically and emotionally. I was incredibly grateful that we didn't have to worry about feeding all of the people coming through my parents' house. There was NO sitting around or time to cook meals to feed that many people.

[MyThreeSons]

Some random thoughts as I've read this thread:

 

I always thought that covered dish versus potluck were just regional terms. I guess I do more covered dish events than potlucks, although I've never been to anything that used either of those terms.

 

It's always interesting to find out about others' experiences that are different from what I'd thought was "the norm". 

 

If I didn't make and bring mashed potatoes to dh's family's Thanksgiving get-together, there wouldn't be any. And I can't imagine Thanksgiving without mashed potatoes. 

 

Similarly, at our church's Fall Picnic last Sunday, I signed up to bring a salad, so I made potato salad. There were about a dozen salads, and mine was the only potato salad. Inconceivable where I grew up in CA -- potato salad and picnic go together. 

 

(Hmmmmm .... maybe SC folks just don't like potatoes as much as CA folks.)

 

Young couples or folks with only very small children tend to bring a small bowl or dish of whatever. I don't even have casserole dishes that small, LOL. Those of us with teens tend to bring enough to feed a small army. 

 

I have never once been concerned about who made what at a shared meal, other than to be sure to get some of Stephanie's salad, or Robin's breakfast casserole, or Martha's dressing. 

 

The youth pastor at my son's church just had a baby. Well, his wife did. The online calendar has people bringing dinners for them through January 10th!! Every single day. I appreciated meals brought when my babies were born, but daily for two months I wouldn't appreciate. 

[NicAnn]

I've attended dozens of potlucks, and I'm only 27. Not only that but my blessing way (baby shower) was potluck. I recall a thread about that being in poor taste..

 

Anyway, yes I do find it a bit odd just because I've attended so many, without any thought given really. Perhaps at the WTM annual get-together (this needs to be a thing) we can potluck.

[KungFuPanda]

Honestly, you just sort of go on auto-pilot and function pretty normally within a very short time, or at least that's what we have done. I have lost my brother, my mom, my dad, my MIL... you get the idea... and while the losses were heartbreaking (especially when both of my parents died within months of each other,) we tried to keep things as normal as we could. It never occurred to us to ask other people to help us with anything.

I think it depends on what you find comforting. If I'm very upset or sad, I don't want any company. I don't want anyone but my dh and my ds around me. Having people visit has always been at the absolute bottom of my list when I'm unhappy, so having people drop by with food wouldn't be good for me at all.

When my daughter died it was not like that at all for me. I couldn't even eat let alone cook or think about food. I didn't leave the house except for the funeral and related needs for several weeks. I was unable to care for my other kids for weeks. I don't think they got a good level of care beyond the bare basics months and really it took years to be somewhat back to myself.

Food was certainly a welcome gift. I wouldn't assume everyone grieves like you. Having to leave the house to get food or eat out was way way way beyond what I could have handled.

I think the difference is that Cat could go on auto pilot because her immediate household remained intact. You can retreat to your own house and function when you have your husband and children there. However, when something happens to one of those people, there is no auto-pilot. In the face of that devastation, when you can do nothing else, you bring food because everyone needs to eat. Eventually in life, everyone has a moment when they need help and very often people give it without ever being asked. I do understand that there ARE other ways to offer help that don't involve food, but very quietly dropping off a meal and leaving quickly seems the most helpful and least invasive way to lend support.

[unsinkable]

I think the difference is that Cat could go on auto pilot because her immediate household remained intact. You can retreat to your own house and function when you have your husband and children there. However, when something happens to one of those people, there is no auto-pilot. In the face of that devastation, when you can do nothing else, you bring food because everyone needs to eat. Eventually in life, everyone has a moment when they need help and very often people give it without ever being asked. I do understand that there ARE other ways to offer help that don't involve food, but very quietly dropping off a meal and leaving quickly seems the most helpful and least invasive way to lend support.

How do you know who lives in Catwoman's immediate household?

 

You're making an assumption here.