When is assertive ok and when is it rude?

[Jean in Newcastle]

The other day I told Sears that I wanted a price break since they didn't show during the time they said they would come.  They told me it was "not their problem" and I told them that they would no longer have my business.  I was assertive, did not yell but let them know clearly what I wanted.  And walked when I didn't get it.  But I ended up getting better service with another company.  

 

Today I was in a Radioshack where they were understaffed.  There are usually 2 employees always in the store.  I saw only 1 employee who was helping another customer.  I waited for over five minutes while he was talking with the customer and trying to print something.  I finally stuck my head in the back room (open) and called out to see if there was anyone back there who could help me because otherwise I was going to leave.  The employee on the floor said that there was no one else there and that he was busy.  The woman he was helping said to go ahead and help me.  My transaction was very quick - just pointing to what I wanted and giving him the money.  Dd was mortified and thinks I was terribly rude.  I'm not sure I was.  I did not yell.  I did not demand that he stop helping the other customer to help me.  I just asked if there was anyone else available to help.  And I did say that I was about to leave because I was in a hurry to get errands done.  If the lady had not said for me to go ahead, I would have either waited a few more minutes quietly or I would have left quietly and gone to another store.  

 

So. . . what's the line?  

[kewb]

I don't see anything rude in what you did.  I would have done the same.  If you were huffing and puffing and making a scene-that would be rude.

[Ripley]

I think of rude as an attitude, more than an action. Sure, some actions are rude ... but I think the attitude behind them matters more.

 

I understand why your child thought you were rude, but I think that might be more a reaction of a less mature/experienced individual.  She'll probably get it more as she ages and experiences similar situations.  Maybe not, maybe it's just her personality! But I know what used to mortify me as a child is now something I'm apt to do as an adult (to the mortification of MY child)!

[TracyP]

I would find it very embarrassing if somebody I was with stuck their head into the back room and called out for help. I would have walked over to the clerk and said, "Excuse me, I am in a hurry and have a very quick _____. Is there someone who can help me?" Rude or not, it just strikes me as an odd way to handle the situation.

[Annie G]

The clerk should have seen you and when he realized your wait was going to be a while, he should have at least acknowledged you and mentioned that he was the only one there. A quick, "I'll be with you ASAP, I'm by myself right now" would have helped. 

 

[Ripley]

I would find it very embarrassing if somebody I was with stuck their head into the back room and called out for help. I would have walked over to the clerk and said, "Excuse me, I am in a hurry and have a very quick _____. Is there someone who can help me?" Rude or not, it just strikes me as an odd way to handle the situation.

 

Isn't it funny how our experiences shape us?

 

I find the interruption to be more rude - not necessarily the interruption itself, but that so many employees find it challenging to multi-task.  So then the interruption stops my transaction/interaction as the employee puts it to the side, even for a second and even for a pleasant enough request, to address the needs of someone else.  If I weren't comfortable calling to the back, I'd just wait or leave - not interrupt.

 

I've run into this as a customer, but I've dealt with it also as the front employee.  Oh, and as a parent! LOL  So those experiences definitely influence what I see as the rude, ruder, rudest options here.  Your post gives me pause to consider that the interrupting patron might see that as being the less rude option. I'm glad you posted, TracyP.

[gardenmom5]

I don't think you were rude at all.  kids have a harder time differentiating and can become embarrassed by their parents  ;)

 

 

[Liz CA]

The clerk should have seen you and when he realized your wait was going to be a while, he should have at least acknowledged you and mentioned that he was the only one there. A quick, "I'll be with you ASAP, I'm by myself right now" would have helped. 

 

Yes, this. Unfortunately, customer service is fading fast as I have observed as well. And this may prompt some customers to take matters into their own hands...don't think it was rude, rather funny.

However, had I been the clerk, I would have been embarrassed that a customer felt it necessary to do this because I failed to acknowledge her.

[JudoMom]

I do find calling into the back room to be rude.  I would've attempted to ask the other clerk if there was someone else who could help.

[*Lulu*]

I do find calling into the back room to be rude. I would've attempted to ask the other clerk if there was someone else who could help.

For me it would depend on if it was an open door/doorway or if the door had to pushed open to call for help.

[LucyStoner]

When assertive becomes aggressive, that's when it gets rude. You were neither aggressive or rude.

 

And what the frack gives about Radio Shack? I have walked in and it is empty or there is a be back in 5 minutes on the door. They don't seem to care about selling stuff or not.

[*Lulu*]

There is assertive and then there is aggressive. I think it's always ok to be assertive, which to me is being able to speak up for yourself and ask for what you want. Aggressive would be calling someone a bunch of expletives and threating to torch their house. That is usually not ok.

Although........

 

Some situations just beg for the threat of a firebombing.

 

:P

[OrganicAnn]

Kids have a harder time differentiating and can become embarrassed by their parents  ;)

 

This.  Sounds like she was embarrassed.  

 

Rude is more likely to be loud, using expletives, purposefully cutting in line etc.  

 

 

[Joanne]

I don't think assertive is ever rude; it's assertive. I think kids sometimes have an elevated idea of "embarrassing".

 

What you did was appropriate and fine.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks.  Yes, my mission lately seems to be to embarrass dd11.   :svengo:

And yes, the door to the back room was open.  In the past employees have been back there.  

[school17777]

Our Radio Shack seems to only have one employee on the floor and whenever I go in for something quick, they person in front of me always is setting up a new phone plan that takes a long, long time.  Sounds like it's the same experience at other Radio Shacks.  I don't think the way you handled either situation was rude.

[beaners]

*I* definitely wouldn't have done that at Radioshack, but I might have told someone at Sears that I was going elsewhere.  With Sears it would depend on who I was talking to though, and if I knew that they were actually able to help me or if I'd need to go through 5 supervisors before I found someone able to authorize a decision.

[Soror]

I think with Sears it was perfectly fine at Radio Shack(which I worked at previously fwiw) I would have quickly and politely asked the on-floor employee if there was anyone else working.  

[Anne in CA]

I don't think either transaction was rude, although my 13yo would have been upset for sure if I had done it, lol. Sears is obnoxious as a rule and I don't spend money there for any reason, so I wouldn't have been in that position with Sears though. I had a wrong bill that Sears turned over to collection and it took months to solve it. During which time Sears employees hung up the phone every time they heard the word "collections", because they have been trained to not speak to anyone who has been turned over to collections. Yuck. Sears is nasty IMO.

[unsinkable]

I think the Radio Shack worker had a responsibility to acknowledge you and tell you how long it would be until he could help you.

 

Since he didn't, I think you should have politely inquired of him if there was anyone else available to help you. Calling into the backroom seems passive-aggressive.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Honestly, I think it's great that you're modeling assertive behavior for your daughter, whether she's embarrassed or not. Often girls in our society are conditioned to be non-assertive and polite, even to their detriment.

 

And I agree with the assertive vs aggressive comments made above. I do think aggression is where it crosses the line into rude in most situations.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Today I got $30 off a stated low price on a washing machine because I politely asked the sales person (Not Sears!) if he could give me an even better price.  He checked with his manager and gave me the lower price.  Dh was impressed.  

[HS Mom in NC]

I think you were right in not interrupting the clerk helping someone already. There's no point in stopping one transaction to legitimately complain about it taking too long to start your transaction.  If I had been that customer or that clerk I would've been glad you didn't interrupt. Finding someone else not helping a customer makes sense to me. Sometimes, you have to look in the back to find one.

 

I think the clerk helping someone already should've made an effort to call someone else to help when he realized the person he was helping needed more time and attention if there wasn't anyone else around to ask for help. ( This assumes there is someone else to help with another transaction. ) This is the norm in my local grocery stores and other retail outlets.  The busy clerk pauses long enough to call on the announcement system or to the back to send another cashier then gets back to helping the customer they were helping to begin with.

 

I once walked into the kitchen of a pizza place and asked them if they were open or not.  The sign said they were but no one was out front-no one.  No wait staff, no cashier, no customers.  Then after being seated  no one had come to take our order for 15 minutes, so I went back to the kitchen and told them so.  A waitress came out and took the pizza order.  I refused to eat it and walked across the parking lot to a fast food joint, ordered take home, and walked back into the pizza place and ate my fast food at the pizza place table with my family who wanted pizza.  I wouldn't have eaten their pizza if I had been hungry for a whole day.  Yes, my husband was embarrassed.  I told him the staff at the pizza place are the only ones should've been embarrassed-by their own behavior.  You guessed it, it wasn't much longer until the place closed down.

 

I was at my local Fry's Marketplace (a grocery store) and there were long lines as anyone would expect for the time of day and week.  My cashier was quickly trying to scan and bag my groceries when I noticed, three aisles over, 3 baggers chatting with each other, bagging nothing.  I said loud enough to be heard that far, "So all these cashiers are both scanning and bagging, but those three baggers over there are chatting and not bagging anyone's groceries?" All the cashiers and plenty of customers looked over and glared at them and it took them a minute to notice the uncomfortable silence.  Then they went back to their aisles and did their jobs.  

 

I've been at my local Walgreens to pick up photos in the photo department.  There is usually a cashier near the exit taking care of customers.  If I'm waiting for 5 minutes at the photo area and no photo staff materialize, I politely wait until the cashier near the exit is between customers and ask her to please call the photo staff. (The cashier near the exit can't see the photo shop very well.) If after a few minutes one doesn't appear, I walk behind the photo desk, pull out my photo envelope and walk up to the cashier next to the exit.

 

[Mergath]

For me, it's assertive if the person you're dealing with has the ability to do something about it, and rude/aggressive if they really can't do anything.  

 

For example, when I worked at a gas station in college, I'd get a lot of people who would come in and throw an absolute fit over the price of gas.  I always found it rude, because it's not like the cashiers have any control whatsoever over the gas prices.

 

If someone had come in and complained that, for example, all of our milk was expired or something and asked if we could check the back for some that wasn't, I would consider that assertive.  It's the responsibility of the employees to stock the store and make sure the customers get what they need.

 

With the Radio Shack thing, I think it's borderline.  On the one hand, the employees need to do everything they can to make sure the customers get decent service.  However, they have to take care of all the customers, and in all probability, the employee you dealt with can't do anything about it if they're understaffed.  He's probably just doing the best he can.  I would have asked if there was someone else available to help me, but I would have skipped the whole, "I have errands to run and I'm going to leave if no one helps me," bit.

[Haiku]

I work in a retail store. Sometimes we are short-staffed, and when we are, I try to acknowledge waiting customers and let them know I will get to them as quickly as I can. Sometimes, though, I can't do that if I am involved in a conversation with another customer. I, personally, would find it rude if someone walked to our office door and called for someone else to help them. If there is not someone there to help you, it's usually because there either is no one else or the other people are involved in other tasks. I know it's inconvenient when you go to a store and have to wait, but calling out for someone to come help you implies that you are so important you can't wait your turn. I think you also put the other customer in an uncomfortable position by basically stating that the clerk attending to her first would cause the store to lose your business. I would have let you go first, too, because I would have felt bad for the clerk, but I would have thought mildly nasty thoughts about it (sorry, just being honest).

 

On a related note, I really, really hate it when I am on my break and tell a customer so and they respond with something like, "Oh, this will just take a second" or "But I'm really in a hurry." Oh, well, I'm sorry, but I am actually NOT WORKING right now. I do spend plenty of my own personal time helping customers when I go to the store to buy something or to visit my co-workers, because I do like my job and I like talking to the customers, but I have limited time to eat my lunch, call my family, or just sit on my rear and relax, and people don't seem to understand that.

[MamaBearTeacher]

I think everything is fine as long as you are not mean to the person working there. It is a question of some stores being understaffed. Sometimes I avoid going to Home Depot because it is so hard to find someone there to help you, even though their staff is nice.

[creekland]

Slightly older thread, but probably quite timely in the Christmas shopping season...

 

I rarely get upset with anyone truly working and trying whether they are in stores, restaurants, or elsewhere.  We try hard to put extra time into our schedule to not be in a hurry - ever.  If something were to get me annoyed, I'd make a note and avoid the place.  I changed hair cut places due to being ignored while people (who weren't working) were merely carrying on a conversation - for several minutes - after they had seen me. (Honestly, I did shower that morning too!  And my clothes looked ok - I think.)  I didn't actually say a word to them - I just left.  As I was leaving I saw one of them start toward the front, but the damage had been done by that point.  I've never been back and have never been tempted to go back.

 

Our patience in times of stress and busyness at places has gotten us a couple of free meals and other assorted "perks" from appreciative workers and owners.  We don't "expect" that, but I'll admit it's nice and gives me great thoughts about those companies/stores/restaurants.

 

It bugs me when I see people being impatient (if they are nasty about it - asking if there is someone else is NOT nasty) when it's obvious the worker can't do anything differently.  It's totally different if they can.  I fully understand when people just walk out and go elsewhere.  When we are pressed for time, that's what we do.  I may, or may not, be back.

 

At some places if teens are working and also on their cell phones at the same time, I WILL say something.  I work in our high school.  I'm used to "training" teens.  ;)  I haven't seen that happen in a long time as many employers (around here) have caught on to customers aggravation over it and made a "no cell phone while on the job" policy.  I like that policy.

 

Since we live in a more rural area and sometimes know owners of places... I'm not beyond mentioning experiences that can be improved, but I don't generally go out of my way to call about them.  We did once, but it was to support the worker/manager who was being mercilessly attacked by an impatient customer to where she was in tears.  The rest of us in that restaurant talked about HIM after he left.  Fortunately, he wasn't local - or at least - none of us recognized him.  I wouldn't want to know him to be honest.

 

In general, I try to respect that we are all humans and there's only so much anyone can do in a given situation.  If a company has general policies I don't care for (always understaffed, always late, always rude, whatever), then we merely take our business elsewhere.  A single time or two?  It happens.

[Laura Corin]

In the second situation, I don't think I would have said anything.  Now, as the other customer, I would have tried to notice and offered to have you go first (I do that often, particularly at Aldi when I have a lot of groceries and one or two people behind me often only have a few).  But I wouldn't have said anything in your place.  I don't think it was horrible, but I wouldn't have done it.

 

L

[creekland]

In the second situation, I don't think I would have said anything.  Now, as the other customer, I would have tried to notice and offered to have you go first (I do that often, particularly at Aldi when I have a lot of groceries and one or two people behind me often only have a few).  But I wouldn't have said anything in your place.  I don't think it was horrible, but I wouldn't have done it.

 

L

 

Same here... I do try to be on the lookout to assist others who might have to wait - or look like they are more pressed for time.

 

[GSOchristie]

^{My MIL does things that you described, it used to make me want to crawl in a hole and die because it was so embarrassing to me.  My dh used to say it was the difference in our upbringing, I was raised in the South and am southern to a fault, she was is a northerner for all intents and purposes.  Northerners, I've found, at least, are more direct and assertive, it's not rude, it's just shocking to a southerner sometimes :).  I think it is just her personality, she is not trying to be rude, she just wants a solution to a problem and doesn't waste time dithering about trying to figure out if she's going to annoy/upset someone which is what I do.  So, I really try to just focus on intent with people, if they don't intend to be rude, I don't take it as such, even if it is something I would not do.}  

[Katy]

I think it was a little bit rude; but the clerk not acknowledging you was equally or more rude.  I typically just leave a store if I'm being ignored and there is clearly no one else to help.  

 

Also, tweens love to find ways for their parents to embarrass them; it's a normal part of growth. It's part of him figuring out how he's going to be different from you. Don't take it personally.

[LaxMom]

I think being assertive is fine, particularly when you are asserting your expectation for some sort of fixing of a situation, like your Sears issue.

 

I think telling a clerk who was singlehandedly minding the store and actively waiting on another patron that you were ready to leave because you have more important things to do comes across as a little "center of the universe". Which is not at all something that I would attribute to you, Jean.

 

The clerk was egregiously rude. It takes virtually nothing to say to the person you're engaged with "excuse me for a moment" and then acknowledge the other customer who has come in. I do it all the time. That's just good manners.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Since I posted this a month ago, I haven't had any run-ins with clerks anywhere.   ;)   I've even been back to the same Radioshack and had the same salesman serve me with no incident.  I was extremely polite to him.  

 

(I did tell dd that I should have handled the original Radioshack incident better.)

[KRG]

I think what you did at Sears was fine.  They did not hold up to their end of the bargain.  Radio Shack if only 1 person is working, only 1 person is working and had I been in line behind you and going from what you said, yes, I would have found what you did to be rude.  If the RS employee was goofing around and not doing his job then something should have been said.

Sorry, I didn't realize this was an old post...

[LaxMom]

Clean for 30 days! :lol: That's really funny. I had no idea the thread was resurrected. What an odd thing to bring back. It's not even like there were crockpots or shopping carts involved.

 

A RS funny: our Y is right next door to what used to be a RS. Still has the sign and everything. However, one day last year there was suddenly a cardboard box with sharpie sign over the door saying " please visit us at our new location". With no location. Put up the day after I went in there to buy batteries and the guy told me he'd order them. We still have no idea where they went (it's a very small town).