Are you happy? Why not?

[DianeW88]

Interesting article about supremely happy people.  I've always counted myself as one of them, and after reading this, I realize that I do almost everything listed here...so for me, it works! :D  What about you?  Are you happy? 

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/16/happiness-habits-of-exuberant-human-beings_n_3909772.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

[Dandelion]

I'm happy, although I wouldn't say I'm "supremely happy" all of the time (didn't we have a poll on this awhile back?  :p ).

 

And I do about 90% of the things listed on a regular, or even daily, basis.  Maybe if I kick in that last 10%, I'll become supremely happy.   :)

[DawnM]

Well, our Sunday School teacher used to say that the only people who are happy, happy, happy all the time are on the 7th floor Psych Floor.  :lol:

 

I am generally in between.  I am not a happy go lucky, go with the flow person, but I am generally satisfied.  I was more satisfied when I was working full time, but that is a whole different post.  

 

I am a glass half empty person by some people's definition, but by MY definition I am a realist.   B)   I am not going to sit on platitudes and tell you that everything will be ok if it might not be.  I WILL sit by your side and hold your hand and cry with you through the pain though.

 

Dawn

[Dandelion]

I am generally in between.  I am not a happy go lucky, go with the flow person, but I am generally satisfied.  I was more satisfied when I was working full time, but that is a whole different post.  

 

 

This totally describes me.  I too was infinitely happier when I was still working full-time.  I'll save the story for that post.    :p

[DianeW88]

And just to clarify...by supremely happy, I don't mean obscenely giddy or anything like that.  No 24 hour Mardi Gras here. :D  I just mean that I am a happy girl most of the time.  I notice all the little things in my life, and they make me happy.  Today for example: a great parking spot at the grocery store, a lady giving me her extra $10 off $50 or more of groceries coupon, the beautiful fall leaves all around me, the sunshine, my neighbor's 2 year old in her Halloween costume, laughing with my son while we were doing school, making pumpkin fudge, carving pumpkins...all of these things made me smile and made my day really great.

[6packofun]

The best part of that article, for me, was the thought that the opposite of depressed is resilient, not "happy"!  What is happy anyway?  It has eluded me for most of my life because my view of happiness was just wrong, or at least, wrong for me.  :)  I am not as happy as I'd like and I do struggle with contentment, but I am very resilient and strong.  Hey, that thought makes me happy.  LOL!

 

Good article!  Thanks!

[AlmiraGulch]

I have my days (sometimes weeks, even), but if I look at my life as a whole, without the undue influence of some bout of depression, then yeah, I'd say I'm a reasonably happy gal.  

[Lucy in Australia]

That was a great article! Thanks for sharing.

[Audrey]

Yes, I am a happy person.  This has not always been true.  I made a decision to be happy at one point and worked to be that way.  It comes much easier as time passes.  I think the biggest key for me is that I am glad I'm still alive, which also has not always been true.  There are some pretty cool people and pretty cool stuff in my life that I wouldn't have known otherwise.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm a happy person in the sense that I have an inner contentment in God.  I have chronic pain.  I am often not happy in my circumstances.  But even when I'm in pain I am a silly person. ;)

[Lady Florida.]

Full disclosure: I think Seligman is a quack, and the whole positive thinking thing is quackery.

 

But...I'm pretty happy in general. I only do some of the things on the list. I like technology and electronics so I don't usually unplug, I'm not spiritual, rarely listen to music, don't have to tell myself to be happy, and very much enjoy small talk. However, I almost always appreciate the small things and am a glass half full type of person. I think perhaps lists like that can help people who are trying to "be happy", but they don't always describe naturally happy people.

[DianeW88]

Full disclosure: I think Seligman is a quack, and the whole positive thinking thing is quackery.

 

But...I'm pretty happy in general. I only do some of the things on the list. I like technology and electronics so I don't usually unplug, I'm not spiritual, rarely listen to music, don't have to tell myself to be happy, and very much enjoy small talk. However, I almost always appreciate the small things and am a glass half full type of person. I think perhaps lists like that can help people who are trying to "be happy", but they don't always describe naturally happy people.

 

Do you think people are either naturally happy or they are not?  I think I'm a very naturally happy person, but I do know people who NEVER seem to be happy, no matter how many unicorns are dancing around them, shooting glitter out of their horns, and jumping over rainbows, while a chorus of heavenly hosts sings in the background.  No matter how well things are going in their lives, they have something to complain about.  I seriously think some people just enjoy being that way, and for them...that is their happy.  I honestly don't know if they are capable of feeling the kind of joy and contentment that I feel when I say I'm happy.

 

Which leads to my next question....are there some people who can't feel happiness in the traditional sense of the word?  Are they just destined to be gloomy and pessimistic because of their genes, or are they choosing to be that way because of habit and because it's their comfort zone?

[Mommyfaithe]

I am generally happy. I am also generally unhappy, if that makes sense. I am sorry for many of the choices I made when younger because ey have effected every part of my adult life...and have made things hard for my children as well. I am very aware that choices do effect happiness both long and short term..however, that said..I have learned to be content when I have a little or a lot. I have learned to be joyful in good times and bad. I have learned to have peace in the midst of a storm. I trained myself to be in the now, and not fret too much. So, yes....generally speaking....I am happy.

[Kari C in SC]

I am generally happy, but at the same time I carry extreme sadness over the loss of my son always. Overall. I am always looking up. I am always feeling thankful for my blessings. Okay, well not always, but a whole lot of the time. For me, happiness has in part come from resilience. I realize that I have to make a choice each and every day to either let the weight of this sadness take me down or choose to look up. There is nothing I can do to change the path that has brought me here, but I can choose where I am going on this path. So... I choose to find my joy in everyday. I would say I do about 90% of those things listed in that article.

 

ETA - I wanted to add that I don't think I was always this way. I actually think I spent the first half of my life not being a person that finds joy. When I was 31, my sister in law was tragically killed. It was so hard for me to see how somebody so good could be murdered. I started a blog called Crazy Everyday Blessings and that is where I truly began to make a choice to see my blessings in each day. I am 41 and good gracious is has been the most difficult 10 years of my life - no doubt. I think because of that I look harder to find my joy.

[mommymilkies]

Do you think people are either naturally happy or they are not?  I think I'm a very naturally happy person, but I do know people who NEVER seem to be happy, no matter how many unicorns are dancing around them, shooting glitter out of their horns, and jumping over rainbows, while a chorus of heavenly hosts sings in the background.  No matter how well things are going in their lives, they have something to complain about.  I seriously think some people just enjoy being that way, and for them...that is their happy.  I honestly don't know if they are capable of feeling the kind of joy and contentment that I feel when I say I'm happy.

 

Which leads to my next question....are there some people who can't feel happiness in the traditional sense of the word?  Are they just destined to be gloomy and pessimistic because of their genes, or are they choosing to be that way because of habit and because it's their comfort zone?

:lol:  :lol: :lol:  

 

I think some personality traits are wired in some degree. I never met my father until I was 24 and I was amazed at how similar our personalities were.  He is nothing at all like my mother.  My Mom is a doom and gloom pessimist, while I am more neutral. I don't voice my negativity IRL unless I have to. Dh says I'm like a cat. :lol:   I wouldn't consider myself a happy person, overall.  Happy sometimes? Yes.  But I do have anxiety and ppd issues which makes the whole happiness issue a sensitive one for me.  It's annoying to hear people tell me if I just tell myself I'll be happy, that I'll be happy.  Unless it takes 200 years, I don't see it helping.  BTDT.  I actively try to be happy and joyful and mindful...it's just not happening.

[Mom in High Heels]

I'd say I'm generally pretty happy.  I'm not singing with birds landing on my fingers or anything, but I'm not unhappy.  Sure, there are things I wish for (like more money!), but we're comfortable, stable (as much as any military family can be), have a good marriage, great kids and a good life, so I can't really say there's much to make me down.

 

I do think people can be born generally unhappy.  James Bond is not a terribly positive person, and has gone through really unhappy periods.  He also suffers from depression though, so that could be part of it.  Since he's been on medication, he's been a much happier person.  

[Dory]

This list actually looks fairly similar to one that I made for myself awhile back in hopes that if I wrote them down that I could somehow force myself closer to that happy place in my life. I have come to the conclusion that some of those things are just not going to happen at this stage of my life though. I am not happy, but I'm stubborn enough that I will force my way on through anyway. I've come to the conclusion that life doesn't have to be happy so long as I am mature enough not to make the others around me live in misery simply because I'm not feeling great about life. There are lots of little thing that are great about my life, and I make sure I take the time to appreciate them. There are lots of moments that I carve out for myself as well. Those things make the rest doable. Not ok, but good enough that I can push through.

[LucyStoner]

I am a pretty happy person. I made a decision to not get dragged down by the considerable negatives in my past. I don't go in for positive thinking equals success bs at all but I do think that people can make choices which reinforce the positives and minimize the negatives. It doesn't seem to be a skill everyone has though. Someone once told me that to feel that way I must not have dealt with really serious negatives but the exact opposite is true. Seriously, my childhood was like a Greek tragedy of truly awful events.

[I.Dup.]

No matter how well things are going in their lives, they have something to complain about.  I seriously think some people just enjoy being that way, and for them...that is their happy.  I honestly don't know if they are capable of feeling the kind of joy and contentment that I feel when I say I'm happy.

 

Which leads to my next question....are there some people who can't feel happiness in the traditional sense of the word?  Are they just destined to be gloomy and pessimistic because of their genes, or are they choosing to be that way because of habit and because it's their comfort zone?

 

My mom is like this, and my Dad tends to be very gloomy and negative as well. Even the smallest of inconveniences sends them reeling. It's very difficult and stressful to be around, and after 18+ years of being inundated with that kind of personality, it becomes almost habit to react in that way as well. I have no idea if their parents were that way (I suspect so), but you tend to become like the people you spend a lot of time with, and I don't think parents/children are immune from that, esp. when they also share all of their genes. My dad is bipolar, my mom is chronically depressed.

 

I do struggle with depression and tend to be naturally negative, but I also have a great sense of humor and tend to be very sarcastic, which I think helps off-set those negatives. :D I will never, ever be a "Pollyanna" or a "Tigger" type, that's just not how I am, that's not my personality to be all bouncy and shiny and happy. But that doesn't mean I'm miserable, either.

 

Am I happy in my life? Absolutely. Even though we're not rich, we're not successful in the sense of having high-powered jobs or lots of options, we don't have a super-big house or live near family or have great retirement or go on fancy vacations regularly or any of that, I am deeply happy with my life. All of the things you listed make me happy- the pretty fall colors, a yummy-scented candle, my children's laughter, sharing jokes with them, nursing my baby, taking pictures, I get extreme enjoyment and deep happiness from all of that on a daily basis. I appreciate all of it. That doesn't mean I'm a Pollyanna, though.

 

ETA: And honestly, I wouldn't want to BE a Pollyanna; Pollyanna types annoy me. Although I do secretly wish I was more like Giselle in Enchanted. Love her. :laugh:

[fraidycat]

Well, our Sunday School teacher used to say that the only people who are happy, happy, happy all the time are on the 7th floor Psych Floor.  :lol:

 

I am generally in between.  I am not a happy go lucky, go with the flow person, but I am generally satisfied.  I was more satisfied when I was working full time, but that is a whole different post.  

 

I am a glass half empty person by some people's definition, but by MY definition I am a realist.   B)   I am not going to sit on platitudes and tell you that everything will be ok if it might not be.  I WILL sit by your side and hold your hand and cry with you through the pain though.

 

Dawn

 

 

 

This totally describes me.  I too was infinitely happier when I was still working full-time.  I'll save the story for that post.    :p

 

 

I enjoy working out of the house more, too. I guess I'll save my thoughts for that other post, too. ;)

 

 

I have my days (sometimes weeks, even), but if I look at my life as a whole, without the undue influence of some bout of depression, then yeah, I'd say I'm a reasonably happy gal.

 

This is me. Overall, I'm happy, but I've had some not-so-happy months/weeks/days over the past few years.

[Rosie_0801]

When I'm not happy, its usually because I don't have the freedom to do what I think should be done.

[Lady Florida.]

Do you think people are either naturally happy or they are not?  I think I'm a very naturally happy person, but I do know people who NEVER seem to be happy, no matter how many unicorns are dancing around them, shooting glitter out of their horns, and jumping over rainbows, while a chorus of heavenly hosts sings in the background.  No matter how well things are going in their lives, they have something to complain about.  I seriously think some people just enjoy being that way, and for them...that is their happy.  I honestly don't know if they are capable of feeling the kind of joy and contentment that I feel when I say I'm happy.

 

Which leads to my next question....are there some people who can't feel happiness in the traditional sense of the word?  Are they just destined to be gloomy and pessimistic because of their genes, or are they choosing to be that way because of habit and because it's their comfort zone?

 

I don't know. I think to some extent people are naturally happy or unhappy. I know people like you describe. It seems nothing makes them happy, and when everything appears to be going right they find a reason to be unhappy. My mother was naturally unhappy. I don't know if I subconsciously decided I didn't want to be like that, or if I'm naturally happy. My father, though I didn't know him well, seemed like a happy go-lucky person.

 

 Someone once told me that to feel that way I must not have dealt with really serious negatives but the exact opposite is true. Seriously, my childhood was like a Greek tragedy of truly awful events.

 

Oh, goodness no! I had more than my share of bad things happen before I ever reached adulthood. While my adult years had some awful events (my mother's accidental death was horrible), for the most part it my adult life has been good, and trouble-free. I was always a positive, generally happy person though, even during a childhood that most would think leads to unhappiness. I know other people who are happy or unhappy where it doesn't seem related to their experiences either. 

[Soror]

I'm generally happy, although right now my hormones are making that very difficult.  I generally look on the bright side.  My dh's family are full-on pessimist and they drive me crazy.  I sometimes try to make it a game of answering all their complaints w/ something positive just to see how far they will go- if you mention how nice the weather is they will talk about how it is going to rain, if gas prices are down let's complain about how high they were.  I try to compliment people when I can and if I see something positive let others know.  Fwiw I generally do the things on the list but due to hormones and a small *needy* baby it is hard to take care of myself properly these days.  I seem to be stuck in perpetual PMS lately.  I find I do gravitate towards more positve people my 2 bffs are definitely the optimistic but realist types.  I did have a friend who was on the other extreme and she really brought me down.  I find I gravitate towards others who are optimistic and also have a sense of humor.  My dh thankfully is not nearly as much of a pessimist as the rest of his family, he does drive me a bit crazy sometimes but I've learned over the years that he just cannot help it sometimes and tends to assume the worst at times.

[J-rap]

I'm naturally a happy person.  As far as how it is that some people seem more naturally happy than others, I'd loosely break it down to these numbers:  (totally making these up, of course)

 

25% in the genes.  From day one, you were just wired to be this way.

50% environment.  I mean all your growing up years, things your brained learned without even realizing it.  And through your brain's neuroplasticity, this became kind of a natural, set response to life.

25% circumstances.  By this I mostly mean your present circumstances.

 

I think the suggestions the author of that articles makes address the latter category.

 

I think it's the middle category that often gives us the biggest result in our overall, constant life attitude, and I think it IS changeable, but it's very difficult.  I think it requires much self awareness, discipline, and and even behaviour reconditioning, because you're trying to change brain paths that are very set.

 

I'm lucky because I didn't have to work on changing that middle part, since my growing up years were very positive, emotionally stable, full of love and encouragement.  I don't think I remember my parents ever complaining about anything, they always appeared content and optimistic.  That had a big impact on my life.

 

ETA:  I think you can come from a very good home but still have a not so happy #2 category attitude, as a result of how your #1 "in the genes" you interpreted (or misinterpreted) your growing up environment.

[Onceuponatime]

When I'm not happy, its usually because I don't have the freedom to do what I think should be done.

:iagree:

[Orthodox6]

I do believe that some people are gifted with a naturally happy (or optimistic) outlook on life.

 

Otherwise, I believe most firmly that being happy is a choice made by the individual. 

[Dory]

wow people are  a little harsh on here. I think behaving happy is a choice, but I don't think one can choose how one feels. I will behave graciously and gently with my kids. I will show enthusiasm and involvement in the lives of those around me. I will put effort into life, but that doesn't mean that I will actually feel happy. Behaviour is a choice. Feelings and emotions are not. Sometimes life is hard, and it weighs heavy on a person. Sometimes circumstances can't be changed without hurting too many people and it's best to leave well enough alone and work through it myself. That isn't going to make me feel happy, but it's the best possible choice. I am working pretty hard to teach my kids how to look for the happy things in their day. How to stop for moments and enjoy the little things. I firmly believe that those are necessary to a healthy life. Those sorts of things are a choice. But that doesn't mean they are going to actually feel happy for the majority of their time, it just means that the pain of life might not be as hard. It will lessen the hurt and make it bearable. Someday I will feel it. I know if I keep walking forwards eventually things will change, but just saying that being happy is a choice makes it sound as if I'm not choosing happy because I'm not happy now. That is just BS.

[Santi]

I had a terrible childhood and then an abusive marriage, along with a predisposition to depression. I guess I should've just chosen to be happy. Silly me.

[DarlaS]

When I'm not happy, its usually because I don't have the freedom to do what I think should be done.

I think you nailed it--and succinctly as always! You need to write a book. :-)

[VeganCupcake]

Ironically, the very unhappiest person I know also posted that link on FB.

 

I think there certainly is a genetic basis for our baseline mood. However, I think there are things we can do that will improve or worsen how we feel, too. This comes from my experience with my own and my loved ones' psychotherapy.

[Dory]

Ironically, the very unhappiest person I know also posted that link on FB.

 

I think there certainly is a genetic basis for our baseline mood. However, I think there are things we can do that will improve or worsen how we feel, too. This comes from my experience with my own and my loved ones' psychotherapy.

 

Now that I think I can agree with. There are lots of things that can improve life and make it liveable. Or I could choose to not do them and feel horribly miserable.

[DianeW88]

Thanks for all the interesting thoughts!  I also wonder if whether or not we deem ourselves "happy" depends on our definition of the word.  I suspect that has a lot to do with it.  For me, happiness is more of a deep seated, inner contentment with life.  It doesn't mean that things are always going well, or that I don't have stress, or that I'm not struggling with something.  But to me, that is surface stuff...and surface stuff doesn't determine my overall happiness level.  It can make me frustrated, irritated, annoyed, or even angry, but not unhappy.

 

Having said that, I am not a person who has ever struggled with medical depression, so I don't know how that feels.  I think people can tell you they know how you feel if you're clinically depressed...but really, if they've never been there...they don't.  And I don't presume to minimize that or think I know how it feels to try and make it through each day.  I assume it must be exhausting.

 

So, if people aren't naturally the happy type, it is futile to try and "cheer them up"?  Is that just annoying if you aren't a "sunny side of the street" person?  Is unhappiness something that needs to be remedied or is it just a personality type...like neat vs. sloppy, boisterous vs. quiet, or social vs. introvert?

 

The reason for the questions is that I have a friend who is working on her masters in psychology, and we've been talking a lot about this because of a class she's taking.  We're both very sunny, happy, people, so we were curious about how those who would classify themselves otherwise, view the whole thing.

[Santi]

I don't think a lot of depressed people can choose to be happy. As a child I was unhappy about things I couldn't change. There were also things I wouldn't change because doing something would hurt other people. That's the same now except it's just more things I can't change than won't. Even if I made the decision to change something that made me sad, I still would've been sad because it would've hurt a sibling or someone else. It's not really fair to tell unhappy people that it's their fault when you don't know everyone's situation. Some people's brains don't produce enough of a certain chemical/hormone/whatever that keeps your happiness in check. You don't choose that. Even if you can change everything, I think happy people underestimate how hard it is to do even simple things when you're depressed.

 

I think a pessimist can try to be optimistic, but I don't know if it would work. Most of the pessimists I know have been like that since childhood, and pessimism is an automatic response. Being a pessimist and being unhappy are different imo. If pessimism needs to be fixed so should optimism. They both cause problems at some point, and it'd be better to stay neutral.

[Danestress]

I am very happy, but I have great circumstances.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my happiness is dependent on those circumstances. Will I be happy if I am caregiving a demented, incontinent husband and have distant sons with wives who don't like me? I hope not to find out!

[elegantlion]

I'm a hopeful pessimist, how about that. We've been studying Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs in my psych class, also in the Walking Dead class I'm taking as a MOOC. My bottom line needs have not been met for a while and everyday presents a new challenge. The last few years have just been crappy and the fact I get up in the morning, not wake up, get up, gives him hope enough for the day. Am I happy? Not really. Can I see the beauty in the moments? Yes. Am I fortunate/blessed whatever you want to call it to live where I do, when I do, and have the luxuries I do? You bet. I take the moments of joy as they come, but I'm also holding my breath waiting for the next big thing to drop because lately it has been. Staying neutral keeps it from hurting so badly when the bottom drops out.  

 

When I have moments that I display pure joy, they are quiet moments. When I act happy, it's really bordering near delirium and when I start to question my own sanity. I like being goofy, I have a sense of humor, but I wouldn't categorize myself as a enthusiastically happy person, I'm not, I never will be. The years have worn on me, the recent life events have given me a rich melancholy that won't be undone by time or just wishing myself happy. I feel like an aged instrument with some wear, but still plays a tune. In other words, I am becoming content with where I am now headed. I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. 

[VeganCupcake]

So, if people aren't naturally the happy type, it is futile to try and "cheer them up"?  Is that just annoying if you aren't a "sunny side of the street" person?  Is unhappiness something that needs to be remedied or is it just a personality type...like neat vs. sloppy, boisterous vs. quiet, or social vs. introvert?

 

The reason for the questions is that I have a friend who is working on her masters in psychology, and we've been talking a lot about this because of a class she's taking.  We're both very sunny, happy, people, so we were curious about how those who would classify themselves otherwise, view the whole thing.

 

Thinking about the very unhappy person I know who posted this, I don't think "cheering up" in the way we usually mean it is what she needs. What I would like to do is suggest she look into certain aspects of her life and see what she could reasonably change (for instance, she says she hates living where she does--is it reasonable for her to consider moving? Is there some way I could encourage her and support her in finding a more pleasing environment?) now, and what she could try to work toward improving in the future.

 

Then I would probably suggest she think about seeing a therapist that I know who is very effective at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I really think CBT can make a big difference for a lot of people (not everyone, though).

[Orthodox6]

Just in passing. . .  I have had  major depression since early childhood.  It was not diagnosed until fifteen years ago, and the doctor said it was clear that the condition had been present that long.  Meds worked for a while, then caused too many unacceptable side effects.  I have taken no medication in twelve years, and yes, I am happy because I choose to rule my emotions, instead of letting them rule me.  This is not always easy, but it is my commitment.  I don't exclude that people cannot always succeed with this.  I just wanted to respond to the thought that [brain] chemically-based depression makes "the choice" impossible.   

[unsinkable]

Just in passing. . . I have had major depression since early childhood. It was not diagnosed until fifteen years ago, and the doctor said it was clear that the condition had been present that long. Meds worked for a while, then caused too many unacceptable side effects. I have taken no medication in twelve years, and yes, I am happy because I choose to rule my emotions, instead of letting them rule me. This is not always easy, but it is my commitment. I don't exclude that people cannot always succeed with this. I just wanted to respond to the thought that [brain] chemically-based depression makes "the choice" impossible.

((((Hugs)))

 

Is this called dysthymia? I can't remember the word.

 

I had a counselor tell me she thought I had been depressed from childhood based on things I told her.

[Orthodox6]

((((Hugs)))

 

Is this called dysthymia? I can't remember the word.

 

I had a counselor tell me she thought I had been depressed from childhood based on things I told her.

 

Hug back to you, too!  I'm in a good place.  Really.

 

Tried to send you a PM just now, and it can't be sent.  Says you can't receive any more messages, so perhaps your box is full.

[Lady Florida.]

I don't understand where anything in this thread is harsh. I didn't think the OP was about anything medical (correct me if I'm wrong, Diane), but rather about whether we are happy or not. Not every pessimist or generally unhappy person is clinically depressed. In reading back over the thread, I see that when actual depression is mentioned, it's done with the understanding that that's why the person is unhappy/pessimistic.

 

Some of us had difficult childhoods and/or current difficulties while some didn't.  We're sharing our experiences in a purely layperson's attempt to figure out whether we think our happiness comes naturally or not. 

 

I didn't see anyone say a clinically depressed person should just cheer up, nor does it seem to me that anyone participating in this thread would think that's an appropriate attitude. 

 

:grouphug: to those of you dealing with depression. 

[Santi]

I don't understand where anything in this thread is harsh. I didn't think the OP was about anything medical (correct me if I'm wrong, Diane), but rather about whether we are happy or not. Not every pessimist or generally unhappy person is clinically depressed. In reading back over the thread, I see that when actual depression is mentioned, it's done with the understanding that that's why the person is unhappy/pessimistic.

 

Some of us had difficult childhoods and/or current difficulties while some didn't. We're sharing our experiences in a purely layperson's attempt to figure out whether we think our happiness comes naturally or not.

 

I didn't see anyone say a clinically depressed person should just cheer up, nor does it seem to me that anyone participating in this thread would think that's an appropriate attitude.

 

:grouphug: to those of you dealing with depression.

Someone did say that being happy is a choice made by the individual. I do believe that's harsh, and usually untrue. Thank you for your kindness, though.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thanks for all the interesting thoughts!  I also wonder if whether or not we deem ourselves "happy" depends on our definition of the word.  I suspect that has a lot to do with it.  For me, happiness is more of a deep seated, inner contentment with life.  It doesn't mean that things are always going well, or that I don't have stress, or that I'm not struggling with something.  But to me, that is surface stuff...and surface stuff doesn't determine my overall happiness level.  It can make me frustrated, irritated, annoyed, or even angry, but not unhappy.

 

 

I call that deep seated inner contentment with life, "joy" which is differentiated from "happiness" which is more circumstantial.  That is why I qualified my initial reply by saying that I have inner contentment but am not always happy in my circumstances.  

[Lady Florida.]

Someone did say that being happy is a choice made by the individual. I do believe that's harsh, and usually untrue. Thank you for your kindness, though.

 

Yes, but as I said, I didn't think it meant individuals who have an actual medical condition. I could be wrong, and don't want to put words in anyone's mouth but it's just not how it came across to me.

[HRAAB]

I call that deep seated inner contentment with life, "joy" which is differentiated from "happiness" which is more circumstantial.  That is why I qualified my initial reply by saying that I have inner contentment but am not always happy in my circumstances.  

 

I agree with this.  Right now I'm not extremely happy as life has been rather stressful, but it's just temporary.  I'm very content with my life.  When things get stressful, I usually view it as just part of life.  Things happen, but I've got a good life.

 

I've always viewed 'happiness' as being more temporary and 'joy' being an overarching attitude.

 

I'm just speaking for myself as I've never dealt with medical depression.

[Orthodox6]

Someone did say that being happy is a choice made by the individual. I do believe that's harsh, and usually untrue. Thank you for your kindness, though.

 

It was I, and although I don't understand why you consider that a harsh point of view, I am sorry that the observation disturbed you.  I did note earlier that I have had clinical major depression since early childhood, so I'm not just making idle comment. 

 

I did not mean that "mind over matter" will cure a medical condition. 

 

I hope you will not bear me any ill will.

[DianeW88]

No, I was not referring to anybody who is clinically depressed, or for whom mood disorders are a medical condition.  That is a completely separate issue, and I don't think anyone believes that can be remedied with "a better attitude".

 

I'm think I'm talking about people who are just perpetually grumpy, for lack of a better word.  People who have no other medical condition (chemically related or not) that would predispose them to being negative, unhappy, irritable, or frowny-faced.  It's that type of personality to which I'm referring.  Because I think there really may be people out there who are just happy being grumpy....much like Disney's Grumpy in Snow White.  That type of person.  Is that a choice?  Genetic?  Do they just have a stick up their bum?  They're not pleasant to be around, and I find people like that to be a sort of sucking black hole.  The kind of person who is always complaining.  For example:  If you go out to a restaurant to have lunch, they complain about the wait, they complain about where they're seated, they complain about the menu, the prices, the waiter, the food....until you're sorry you ever agreed to go to lunch with them in the first place.  That's the type of personality I'm focusing on here.

 

Sorry if I've confused or hurt anyone by my clumsy attempts to explain myself and my questions.

[tabinfl]

Great article!

 

I consider myself pretty happy, VERY happy compared to many of those around me (one problem I do have is finding friends who will help keep me positive -- so many mom's nights out etc. turn into whine-fests so quickly I don't even want to be around it).

 

I have had a tough time making the jump from self-sufficient career woman to (financially) dependent FT homeschool mom. I keep one toe in our businesses and look for excuses to jump back in because I just can't seem to get the hang of this SAHM deal. I'm an "older mom", and I really didn't expect the opportunityy to have kids, much less homeschool them, so it wasn't something I'd been mentally preparing myself for at all until it happened.

 

There are a number of items on the list that I could be doing more of, and getting more out of, so thanks!

[elegantlion]

 The kind of person who is always complaining.  For example:  If you go out to a restaurant to have lunch, they complain about the wait, they complain about where they're seated, they complain about the menu, the prices, the waiter, the food....until you're sorry you ever agreed to go to lunch with them in the first place.  That's the type of personality I'm focusing on here.

 

Sorry if I've confused or hurt anyone by my clumsy attempts to explain myself and my questions.

 See, I don't necessarily think those type of people are unhappy, I think they're just conditioned to bi***, excuse the language. And perhaps a bit entitled and poor manners. I know people who would classify themselves as happy and content and I hate going out to eat with them because they do exactly what you describe. 

 

 My "woe" is mostly internal. I'm fun to take out to eat, I don't complain (because I'm not cooking for one thing), I won't share my "misery" unless that's what we're there to discuss. I feel like I'm miserable enough (generally speaking), I'm not going to make anyone else feel that way. 

[I.Dup.]

For example:  If you go out to a restaurant to have lunch, they complain about the wait, they complain about where they're seated, they complain about the menu, the prices, the waiter, the food....until you're sorry you ever agreed to go to lunch with them in the first place.  That's the type of personality I'm focusing on here.

 

My mom is exactly like this. Her default is negative. Like I said above, my Dad is more positive, but every, little event knocks him right over, and he takes a long while to recover. They DO have mental health disorders, but no one on the street would guess that. They come across as very successful, they are extremely intelligent, my Dad has his doctorate and my mom has 2 master's degrees, etc. It's really rather shocking when I spend time with my mom and realize just how very negative she is.

 

I do think much of it is genetic.

 

I also do not see my parents as making a conscious choice to be this way. They do not consciously choose to speak negativity, that is just their default (well, my mom). My MIL is a very angry person and TRIES to be cheerful and happy, but because of the years she has spent angry you can tell she is just gritting her teeth through it and forcing it out. It's not genuine happiness. It's kindof disturbing, actually. :lol:

 

Having had many children, I can see the very clear and distinct differences in their personalities that leads me to conclude that yes, much of this is ingrained in us- how easily life knocks us over, how quickly we're able to get back up, whether or not we see the positive/negative side of things.

[8circles]

I don't think we're all using the Same definitions of happy & I dont even know how I would define it myself. So I'm not sure how to even answer. I'm generally a pessimist but I call it being a realist :D. I think in many ways I feel pretty hopeless YET I love the parts of my life that are about me or I had some control over. Its a strange dichotomy. I don't complain constantly (anymore, not for at least a decade) although I was raised to do so. I do most of the things on that list. I do try "choosing" to be happy but I think its more about not dwelling on the hopeless parts.

 

I do think that to people who aren't bubbly-happy, those bubbly-happy people asking why the rest of us aren't happy *can be* annoying. There's more than one way to be happy. Plus, happiness isn't the only emotion we should be trying to feel - there are many others that are also worthwhile. Only being happy would feel a bit one-dimensional to me.

 

Eta: I do consider myself happy, joyful , & content.