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Drama Free Christmas, Too Much to ask?


Plateau Mama
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As I've talked about my MIL can be very controlling. She can't take no for an answer. If you will remember she came out in June with a weeks notice even after I told her it was a bad week and could she come two weeks later.

 

This summer I had my niece ( her favorite grandchild) here for two weeks. We paid for the trip because her parents wouldn't. I then, by myself flew 4 children (my 3, plus my niece) to Florida. I stayed 2 weeks, my husband flew out 4 days after me. We told them we were coming then because we didn't want to go anywhere at Christmas.

 

Fast forward to last week. She wants us to come for Christmas. (I won't go into what happened last time we went for Christmas but I will never go again.). Because my husband can't just tell her no we look and tickets $1300 each, $6500 for our family of 5. We tell her its cost prohibitive. She call a week later and says she will pay. I don't want to go, my kids don't want to go, but now my husband is upset with me because I won't even entertain the idea. I tell him he's welcome to go with whatever children want to go with him. I also suggest he take to boys down sometime in Jan/Feb. (I have never told him he can't go on his own to see his parents.)

 

Yesterday she calls and says they are coming here. Fine whatever, sucks but I'll deal. Then she calls back that she wants to bring his brother and his family as well, arrive on the 23rd, leave on the 28th. HELL NO! But of course my husband won't tell her that. In 12 hours I've gone from a nice quiet break (which I reall need, it's been a hard school year for me), cooking dinner for 7 for Christmas. (If decided to have cereal for dinner my mom wouldn't care, at all.). To potentially having to prepare a meal for 13.

 

I told my husband if the entire entourage comes I'm spending Christmas in NM with my family ( which, by the way we haven't done in 16 years) and my oldest wants to come with me, I told her she could.

 

For the record, they have come either for or right after Christmas, sometimes bringing my older niece, the last 4 years. I just want one year where I can do Christmas however I want.

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You don't have to justify or explain anything with your MIL.   If you don't want her to come for Christmas, it's okay.   You're an adult.   You're allowed to not want her to come for whatever reason. Keep telling yourself that. 

 

You do however, need to get in some sort of agreement with DH.   Do not let him become your enemy in this scenario.   Do not let HER break up YOUR family Christmas together.

 

FWIW, I think your MIL sounds pushy and controlling.   You won't do what she demands (flying out there) so she will control the situation AND punish you (two birds, one stone!) by flying to you and dragging extra people.   At least that sounds like what is going on to me.   I think you should talk to your DH and come up with a more reasonable scenario, that you are both comfortable with.  There is nothing wrong with asking MIL not to come now and going to see her in January.   Whatever works for the two of you, tell MIL firmly and calmly.   She will pitch a fit, expect it and remain firm and calm.   Do not let MIL ruin your Christmas or be a cancer in your marriage.

 

Good luck, it's not an easy situation.

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 arrive on the 23rd, leave on the 28th. HELL NO! ...  I've gone from a nice quiet break (which I reall need, it's been a hard school year for me), cooking dinner for 7 for Christmas. (If decided to have cereal for dinner my mom wouldn't care, at all.). To potentially having to prepare a meal for 13.

 

You will actually be a cooking and cleaning slave for all of those days, not just for ONE meal.  Plus you will have to entertain all of them when you aren't cooking and cleaning. :scared:  

 

Like the rest of society, your MIL must think you sit around eating bon bons all day.  I don't travel at Christmas (ever) because we tend to not have sports and it is the best time for my family to slow down long enough for some much needed family time (the 4 of us).  My mother is terrific so she has joined us a few times and we enjoy that, but that is my limit.  

 

I would much rather have guests for Thanksgiving and/or travel for Thanksgiving.  

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Boundaries... I've gone through hell and back with family.  I finally set my foot down and stayed home last year...they didn't talk to me until August of this year...but they finally get it.  I will not be manipulated into doing it just because I live in the states.  I have my own kids and grand-children and will not do anything I don't want to do any longer.  Be strong and stick to your guns...you deserve the Christmas you want.  

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Say no.

 

Really, please just say no. No more games, negotiations, or drama. Just say no, and stand on that "no." NO elaborate discussions, rationalizations, or justifications. Just no. (I mean this literally--say no and refuse to discuss it any more.)

 

And seriously, consider couples counseling. This is really important to you, and your husband is not on the same page. A neutral third party can be a real help.

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FWIW, I think your MIL sounds pushy and controlling.   You won't do what she demands (flying out there) so she will control the situation AND punish you (two birds, one stone!) by flying to you and dragging extra people.   At least that sounds like what is going on to me.   I think you should talk to your DH and come up with a more reasonable scenario, that you are both comfortable with.  There is nothing wrong with asking MIL not to come now and going to see her in January.   Whatever works for the two of you, tell MIL firmly and calmly.   She will pitch a fit, expect it and remain firm and calm.   Do not let MIL ruin your Christmas or be a cancer in your marriage.

 

Good luck, it's not an easy situation.

 

 

She is pushy and controlling. We've offered other options, after a "quarrel" my husband agreed that Going in Feb with the boys is a good idea. (I put quarrel in quotes because we rarely argue, but neither of us was happy with the other at the time.). Thing is with my MIL she won't take no for an answer. If we tell her no she will do it anyway, which is why I told my husband I wouldn't be here if they all come.

 

 

You will actually be a cooking and cleaning slave for all of those days, not just for ONE meal.  Plus you will have to entertain all of them when you aren't cooking and cleaning. :scared:  

 

 

Believe me I know it! They came the day after Christmas last year. Guess who got to spend her Christmas cleaning the after Christmas mess so the house would be ready for their arrival? Actually I take that back they came on Christmas Day. She told me I was bringing her a turkey sandwich (from the turkey I had no intention of cooking) to her hotel room for dinner.

 

  

Who invites themselves and several more people over for dinner - much less many days?!

 

 

Welcome to my world. Last year she wanted them all to come, rent a house locally and have have us ALL stay there, and she wanted ME to cook dinner there. I said not gonna happen, I'll be in my own home and cook in my own kitchen thank you very much.

 

.  Be strong and stick to your guns...you deserve the Christmas you want.

 

Thank you. I can't do much if she wants to come, but I do have a plan brewing to prevent the entire entourage.

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Say no.

 

Really, please just say no. No more games, negotiations, or drama. Just say no, and stand on that "no." NO elaborate discussions, rationalizations, or justifications. Just no. (I mean this literally--say no and refuse to discuss it any more.)

 

And seriously, consider couples counseling. This is really important to you, and your husband is not on the same page. A neutral third party can be a real help.

I have said no. He doesn't want it either but he can't flat out tell her no, which only gives her ammunition. She knows not to directly ask me that's why she goes to him. I knew as soon as he told her that we couldn't come because of cost she would be offering to pay.

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I have said no. He doesn't want it either but he can't flat out tell her no, which only gives her ammunition. She knows not to directly ask me that's why she goes to him. I knew as soon as he told her that we couldn't come because of cost she would be offering to pay.

 

Honestly, this sounds like a husband issue not a MIL issue.  She's just a symptom.

 

Sorry, it sounds very stressful.

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I have said no. He doesn't want it either but he can't flat out tell her no, which only gives her ammunition. She knows not to directly ask me that's why she goes to him. I knew as soon as he told her that we couldn't come because of cost she would be offering to pay.

I would contact her personally and tell her you have other plans this year, then remind her of your earlier visit in lieu of spending Christmas together. I agree that DH should be the one to tell her ideally and that you might benefit from outside help. But if the issue is that he can't stand up to his mother, then I'd talk to her on his behalf. Then again, she may show up anyway whether you tell her they can't come or not.

 

In your shoes I would probably disappear and go somewhere else too. These kinds of posts make me so thankful for my own easy-going, normal MIL.

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I agree with others that this is something you and your dh need to work out between yourselves before you try to take on your mil. If you can't come to an agreement with him and present a united front, it will be nearly impossible to reign her in. Trust me, I've been there. Perhaps you two have a friend or a couple who can help you work through this?

 

Good luck!  :grouphug:

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IF you ask your MIL not to come for Christmas, and she comes anyway....that would indicate to me that your MIL has some level of mental illness.   But, unless you strongly suspect that is the case, one of you really needs to tell her "no".   Normal healthy people may sputter and pitch a fit, and the whole thing may be uncomfortable, but they won't actually show up on Christmas demanding to come to dinner.

 

I learned the hard way that with a mentally ill parent you can either put up with it and shut up, or stop speaking to them.  There is no teaching them to respect your boundaries or anything like that.  There is no hope of having a reasonable relationship with them.   So I don't know if your DH is scared to say "no" because he KNOWS she is hopeless, or he just needs to learn how to say no and not be scared of her.

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Then there's nothing anyone on this board can tell you that is going to change the situation.

 

  

I know that. I was more venting than anything else.

 

I would contact her personally and tell her you have other plans this year, then remind her of your earlier visit in lieu of spending Christmas together. I agree that DH should be the one to tell her ideally and that you might benefit from outside help. But if the issue is that he can't stand up to his mother, then I'd talk to her on his behalf. Then again, she may show up anyway whether you tell her they can't come or not.

In your shoes I would probably disappear and go somewhere else too. These kinds of posts make me so thankful for my own easy-going, normal MIL.

 

Trust me if she wants to come she will, no matter what we say. You cannot rationalize with her. I've had the above conversation with her, more than once. What ends up happening is she makes me out to be the bad guy and I hear about it for YEARS.

 

 

I was going to say the same thing.  I would do major battle with my husband over the fact that HE wasn't listening to me.

. That is where I am at right now. In addition to this "visit" she is talking about taking my daughter and niece to London. I told my husband no way in hell was that going to happen. He really didn't take that very well. (There is much more to that story, but I will leave it at that.)

 

IF you ask your MIL not to come for Christmas, and she comes anyway....that would indicate to me that your MIL has some level of mental illness.   But, unless you strongly suspect that is the case, one of you really needs to tell her "no".   Normal healthy people may sputter and pitch a fit, and the whole thing may be uncomfortable, but they won't actually show up on Christmas demanding to come to dinner.

 

I learned the hard way that with a mentally ill parent you can either put up with it and shut up, or stop speaking to them.  There is no teaching them to respect your boundaries or anything like that.  There is no hope of having a reasonable relationship with them.   So I don't know if your DH is scared to say "no" because he KNOWS she is hopeless, or he just needs to learn how to say no and not be scared of her.

There is no doubt she has mental issues. My husband even agrees. My DH knows telling her no is hopeless, but he feels its less stressful (to whom I don't know) to play the game.

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As another alternative (there is no good or right way to deal with this, so this is just a different suggestions)....

Prepare for them to come, but insist they stay in a hotel nearby.  Also - tell your MiL that you really need a relaxing X-mas break and that preparing a big X-mas dinner is not something you want to do.  No one can make you cook :)  Tell her that she is more than welcome to do the planning and cooking, but that if she'd be okay with it, you all were planning on doing something simple.

Don't split up your family at X-Mas - that'd just be sad :( 

Lastly, you may want to tell your DH that you don't want to spend your Xmas break cleaning to be ready for them to arrive, so if he wants his family here, he has to hire you a maid for 4 hours (or whatever - you can generally find a one time deal for about $200 for 4 hours....  Yes - it's a lot, but worth it sometimes.)

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There is no doubt she has mental issues. My husband even agrees. My DH knows telling her no is hopeless, but he feels its less stressful (to whom I don't know) to play the game.

 

So, your DH doesn't want to say no because it won't work.  I understand that.  I have completely BTDT.  And you can either give in to people like this, stop speaking to them, or constantly "manage" them (IE go away from your house for Christmas and make sure you aren't there when she shows up).  There will be no drama free Christmas, and they will never respect your boundaries.  

 

Just be very, VERY grateful she doesn't live near you.

 

And under no circumstances should you let a mentally ill person take your daughter to London!

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As another alternative (there is no good or right way to deal with this, so this is just a different suggestions)....

Prepare for them to come, but insist they stay in a hotel nearby.  Also - tell your MiL that you really need a relaxing X-mas break and that preparing a big X-mas dinner is not something you want to do.  No one can make you cook :)  Tell her that she is more than welcome to do the planning and cooking, but that if she'd be okay with it, you all were planning on doing something simple.

Don't split up your family at X-Mas - that'd just be sad :(

Lastly, you may want to tell your DH that you don't want to spend your Xmas break cleaning to be ready for them to arrive, so if he wants his family here, he has to hire you a maid for 4 hours (or whatever - you can generally find a one time deal for about $200 for 4 hours....  Yes - it's a lot, but worth it sometimes.)

Yes, you need a maid and your husband needs to step in and do the bulk of the work. Yes, he needs to do the shopping of food, the cooking and cleaning and entertaining. Have him fix their beds and then strip them and wash the linens after they leave. Have him plan a lovely Christmas meal.

 

If he can't say no, then he needs to the bulk of the work. I totally understand what he is saying about not saying no. Sometimes it just can't be done. However, that doesn't resolve him of any responsibility for taking care of the situation you will be in. If he can't say no, then he needs to make the situation as pleasant as possible for you.

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I know that. I was more venting than anything else.

 

 

Trust me if she wants to come she will, no matter what we say. You cannot rationalize with her. I've had the above conversation with her, more than once. What ends up happening is she makes me out to be the bad guy and I hear about it for YEARS.

 

 . That is where I am at right now. In addition to this "visit" she is talking about taking my daughter and niece to London. I told my husband no way in hell was that going to happen. He really didn't take that very well. (There is much more to that story, but I will leave it at that.)

 

 

There is no doubt she has mental issues. My husband even agrees. My DH knows telling her no is hopeless, but he feels its less stressful (to whom I don't know) to play the game.

 

In this case, I agree with the below options.

 

Yes, you need a maid and your husband needs to step in and do the bulk of the work. Yes, he needs to do the shopping of food, the cooking and cleaning and entertaining. Have him fix their beds and then strip them and wash the linens after they leave. Have him plan a lovely Christmas meal.

 

If he can't say no, then he needs to the bulk of the work. I totally understand what he is saying about not saying no. Sometimes it just can't be done. However, that doesn't resolve him of any responsibility for taking care of the situation you will be in. If he can't say no, then he needs to make the situation as pleasant as possible for you.

 

 

I would already have booked tickets to NM and informed MIL as to that fact.

 

Either don't do the extra work, or go away for Christmas. No one can actually make you cook and clean. If you don't think you can just not do it and deal with the fallout (I don't know if I could actually not clean my house knowing people were going to be there - the maid service is a good idea but you would still have to make sure everything is decluttered for them to be really effective) then go have your peaceful Christmas in NM. Maybe ask your dh to go with you so you can still have a family Christmas.

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As another alternative (there is no good or right way to deal with this, so this is just a different suggestions)....

Prepare for them to come, but insist they stay in a hotel nearby. Also - tell your MiL that you really need a relaxing X-mas break and that preparing a big X-mas dinner is not something you want to do. No one can make you cook :) Tell her that she is more than welcome to do the planning and cooking, but that if she'd be okay with it, you all were planning on doing something simple.

Don't split up your family at X-Mas - that'd just be sad :(

Lastly, you may want to tell your DH that you don't want to spend your Xmas break cleaning to be ready for them to arrive, so if he wants his family here, he has to hire you a maid for 4 hours (or whatever - you can generally find a one time deal for about $200 for 4 hours.... Yes - it's a lot, but worth it sometimes.)

 

They are staying in a hotel. My children have special diets so if I want a nice meal I will have to cook. I will probably order all my groceries online and have them delivered, no matter the cost. My husband is already working on finding me a housekeeper, not just for their visit, but for a few months (at least) to help me get the house back in order. Fortunately money isn't really an issue. I hate to spend it but right now it needs to be done.

 

My husband is really an awesome guy and will do whatever he can for me. This is really our only point of contention.

 

Just be very, VERY grateful she doesn't live near you.

 

And under no circumstances should you let a mentally ill person take your daughter to London!

It is intentional that we live far away. My husband would love to move back to Florida, but before we were married I told him we couldn't live within x distance of them. And she will not be going to London. My daughter does not want to go (with grandma) an all other reasons aside, that makes it a hill I'm willing to die on.

I would already have booked tickets to NM and informed MIL as to that fact.

. I am waiting to see if this all pans out. I will seriously be considering it. The only thing holding me back is my 5 year old. I said his sister and I were going and he took it as we were never coming back and freaked out. I really don't want to miss Christmas with him.
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. I am waiting to see if this all pans out. I will seriously be considering it. The only thing holding me back is my 5 year old. I said his sister and I were going and he took it as we were never coming back and freaked out. I really don't want to miss Christmas with him.

 

Then don't.  Have your Christmas at home.  Inform your MIL that you will not be hosting this year.  Or, better yet, tell your husband to do that and that if he cannot then he can fly out to her while the rest of you stay at home.

 

You cannot be forced to host a holiday.  If they come then they can go to a restaurant. 

 

 

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If you invite your family to your home for Christmas, will your MIL still show up? If not, I might do that. If she would, I agree with nmoira.

 

I would already have booked tickets to NM and informed MIL as to that fact.

If I did this, I would take the whole family, DH too. If he recognizes that his mom has problems but does not want to say no (which...just ugh), he should be able to see how incredibly ridiculous and unreasonable it is that you never spend the holiday with your family, whether at their house or your own.

 

But truth be told? In your shoes, I would probably just tell her that we were going to NM but stay home. I mean "welcoming" them is dishonest and makes you miserable. You might as well be dishonest and happy. :leaving:

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You don't have to justify or explain anything with your MIL.   If you don't want her to come for Christmas, it's okay.   You're an adult.   You're allowed to not want her to come for whatever reason. Keep telling yourself that. 

 

You do however, need to get in some sort of agreement with DH.   Do not let him become your enemy in this scenario.   Do not let HER break up YOUR family Christmas together.

 

FWIW, I think your MIL sounds pushy and controlling.   You won't do what she demands (flying out there) so she will control the situation AND punish you (two birds, one stone!) by flying to you and dragging extra people.   At least that sounds like what is going on to me.   I think you should talk to your DH and come up with a more reasonable scenario, that you are both comfortable with.  There is nothing wrong with asking MIL not to come now and going to see her in January.   Whatever works for the two of you, tell MIL firmly and calmly.   She will pitch a fit, expect it and remain firm and calm.   Do not let MIL ruin your Christmas or be a cancer in your marriage.

 

Good luck, it's not an easy situation.

 

I think I know this MIL. She will purchase the tickets and then blame OP if Christmas isn't how she wants it.

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I would already have booked tickets to NM and informed MIL as to that fact.

See I would book the tickets and NOT inform MIL of where I plan on being........

 

If she is really that mentally ill what is stopping her from crashing the party in MN?

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See I would book the tickets and NOT inform MIL of where I plan on being........

 

If she is really that mentally ill what is stopping her from crashing the party in MN?

Telling her MN might be the right idea. :D

 

I hope the OP can come to an understanding with her DH. Holidays can be stressful enough without all the added drama, and it sounds like her family time is suffering because of it. I have different issues with my MIL, but after years of seemingly maliciously spoiled Christmases, I just said, "No more," and didn't negotiate. Last Christmas was blissful.

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Then don't. Have your Christmas at home. Inform your MIL that you will not be hosting this year. Or, better yet, tell your husband to do that and that if he cannot then he can fly out to her while the rest of you stay at home.

 

You cannot be forced to host a holiday. If they come then they can go to a restaurant.

 

I did tell him to fly out and spend Christmas with her. He said I was being ridiculous. I refuse to travel at Christmas, especially when I still have a child who believes in the magic of Christmas. DH does not have a clue how much work is put into keeping the magic alive, especially when traveling.

 

If you invite your family to your home for Christmas, will your MIL still show up? If not, I might do that. If she would, I agree with nmoira.

 

 

My parents are local so they always are invited, but my extended family does not have the money to travel, all their family and extended family is down there so I wouldn't expect them to come here.

See I would book the tickets and NOT inform MIL of where I plan on being........

If she is really that mentally ill what is stopping her from crashing the party in MN?

She would never crash the party in NM. First of all she'd never find us. Second, she wouldn't want to be with people other than family (meaning her blood) for Christmas. TI would be scandalous to even think about it.

 

But if she wanted to go to MN I'm sure my cousin would let her crash at her place (she will be in NM.)

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MIL is (probably) not mentally ill, but she definitely has some undiagnosed and completely un-remediated learning/developmental issues. She utilizes many unhelpful and manipulative strategies to cope. She starts with "annoying/outrageous" and ends with "provocative," but she truly thinks she's using a spectrum ranging from "considerate" to "mild nagging." 

 

My hubby is finally seeing the light with his mother after years of drama. Unfortunately, if he is left to have the conversation alone, he steps in every road apple she puts in front of him. He can't see it coming. He's learning that he never, ever should answer any of her questions immediately. Never. It's not fixing everything, but it helps. We had to rehearse "I'll get back to you about that" an insanely long time. Then, we rehearse what the answer will be and think through all the possible things she could come up with or ways she could misinterpret it so that he can figure out ahead of time what he needs to say (and rehearse more responses). He sometimes writes it all down. I do not deal with her directly if at all possible because I make her anxious, which makes her even more prone to say completely stupid and irrational things. Sometimes, we can't work out anything close to what she would like, so she gets the short end of the stick. It has become a marriage issue for us at times, but now that I realize part of the issue is that he has a global deficit in the area of forethought, not in saying "no," it has eased the tension between us a bit..as long as he sticks to the pre-approved magic words. The canned responses make it look like I control him, but I am getting over the fact that she'll never see things realistically anyway, so it doesn't matter.

 

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what does your dh get out of having Christmas with these people every year?  does he have some fantasy of a "norman Rockwell family Christmas", you know the one he probably never had?  (but dreams of?)

 

 

I'd send a list of hotels and restaurants in your town so she can have her Christmas fantasy without your having to cook, clean, and prepare.  

 

your dh isn't saying "no" - he wants something more than he respects you.  you will have to decide what you are willing to put up with.  you will either go along, or put your foot down.   either way, you will deal with the results.

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. I do not deal with her directly if at all possible because I make her anxious, which makes her even more prone to say completely stupid and irrational things.

so what if dealing with you makes HER anxious - it's probably because you will say no to her - and your dh caves and gives her whatever she wants.  so what if she says more stupid things because she's anxious - she's hearing a message she doesn't want to hear and is attempting to manipulate everyone back into her power and control.   so, go ahead, and make her anxious while telling her "no you can't come to my house for Christmas". 

 

 

She is pushy and controlling. We've offered other options, 

there are two options and ONLY two options:

she can stay at her house for Christmas and you'll visit her after the new year.

she can stay at her house for Christmas and you WON'T visit her after the new year.

that's it. 

say "no", and say it often. 

I have said no. He doesn't want it either but he can't flat out tell her no, which only gives her ammunition. She knows not to directly ask me that's why she goes to him. I knew as soon as he told her that we couldn't come because of cost she would be offering to pay.

be there with him when he says no.  as SOON as he says "no" take the phone and deal with mil.  (the fact you make HER anxious indicates you really are the one in power in that relationship.  your dh is undermining your power.)  let her know the answer is not changing, say goodbye and hang up if you have to.   tell her you'll talk to her later when she's feeling better.

believe me - it will do him a world of good to learn to stand up to his mother.

so what!? if she has a hissy because she can't get what she wants out of you?  that's why she doesn't ask you.  she's manipulative.

 

I agree you and your dh need couples counseling.  your dh probably has lots of negative behavior patterns from dealing with his very manipulative mother from childhood.

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so what if dealing with you makes HER anxious - it's probably because you will say no to her - and your dh caves and gives her whatever she wants. so what if she says more stupid things because she's anxious - she's hearing a message she doesn't want to hear and is attempting to manipulate everyone back into her power and control. so, go ahead, and make her anxious while telling her "no you can't come to my house for Christmas".

there are two options and ONLY two options:

she can stay at her house for Christmas and you'll visit her after the new year.

she can stay at her house for Christmas and you WON'T visit her after the new year.

that's it.

say "no", and say it often.

be there with him when he says no. as SOON as he says "no" take the phone and deal with mil. (the fact you make HER anxious indicates you really are the one in power in that relationship. your dh is undermining your power.) let her know the answer is not changing, say goodbye and hang up if you have to. tell her you'll talk to her later when she's feeling better.

believe me - it will do him a world of good to learn to stand up to his mother.

so what!? if she has a hissy because she can't get what she wants out of you? that's why she doesn't ask you. she's manipulative.

 

I agree you and your dh need couples counseling. your dh probably has lots of negative behavior patterns from dealing with his very manipulative mother from childhood.

You've mixed me (OP) and another poster. My MIL has anxiety issues but they have nothing to do with me. ;-).

 

I have worked hard over the years to not get into these things on the phone. I will only do it via email. I don't deserve to be talked to or treated the way she treats me when we talk on the phone so I rarely do it. It's what's best for ME.

 

He swears she was not like this as a kid. I'm not sure if I believe that but I do believe it wasn't as bad. She has definitely gotten worse as the years go by.

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There is no place as wonderful as NM for Christmas. Go to see your family, take the kids who want to go with you, and enjoy it. Invite DH, of course. ;). If it's been 16 years, you're overdue.

 

I'm sorry this is stressful. It sounds rough. And I don't mean to say ditch DH for the holidays, really, but if your peaceful home is being invaded when you most need some peace (you said it's a hard school year) then I think giving yourself a break, some self care, and removing yourself from the roles of chef, planner, shopper, cleaner ... Well, relieving that stress is a gift to your whole family.

 

 

 

 

Can I hop in your suitcase to go home to NM for the holidays, too? I'm not that heavy!

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So, FIL called to see if he could book tickets. DH said yes. I had a breakdown. He called them back and told them it wasn't a good time. They aren't coming. At least they aren't booking tickets today. I'm sure this isn't the end of the conversation. DH apologized. I texted my nieces Mom to see if anyone had talked to her and nope they hadn't. So either they were coming w/o her or booking a ticket and asking later (the latter I'm sure).

 

I have made it clear to my husband that his brother cannot come w/o his older daughter under any circumstance. I will not allow her to be forgotten by his "new" wife. (It is not uncommon for them to plan trips/events when she is with her mother.) I told DH they are all welcome for Spring break or another non-Holiday, but my niece MUST be with him.

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So, FIL called to see if he could book tickets. DH said yes. I had a breakdown. He called them back and told them it wasn't a good time. They aren't coming. At least they aren't booking tickets today. I'm sure this isn't the end of the conversation. DH apologized. I texted my nieces Mom to see if anyone had talked to her and nope they hadn't. So either they were coming w/o her or booking a ticket and asking later (the latter I'm sure).

 

I have made it clear to my husband that his brother cannot come w/o his older daughter under any circumstance. I will not allow her to be forgotten by his "new" wife. (It is not uncommon for them to plan trips/events when she is with her mother.) I told DH they are all welcome for Spring break or another non-Holiday, but my niece MUST be with him.

 

What?!!!

 

You do realize that your in-laws know you made dh call them back? Not only has dh disrespected you, but he has thrown you fully under the bus. Dh has ensured that your in-laws know that he wants them to come for Christmas, but his witchy wife is making him say no. Nothing he says to them now can remove the knowledge that they have divided you.

 

You do not have in-law issues, you have serious, serious marriage problems. A breakdown wouldn't have been sufficient here; I would have packed dh a bag and called the locksmith. He would not be welcome in our home until we had worked through the issue with intense counseling. I am truly astounded at the level of disrespect he is showing toward you, just truly stunned.

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What?!!!

 

You do realize that your in-laws know you made dh call them back? Not only has dh disrespected you, but he has thrown you fully under the bus. Dh has ensured that your in-laws know that he wants them to come for Christmas, but his witchy wife is making him say no. Nothing he says to them now can remove the knowledge that they have divided you.

 

You do not have in-law issues, you have serious, serious marriage problems. A breakdown wouldn't have been sufficient here; I would have packed dh a bag and called the locksmith. He would not be welcome in our home until we had worked through the issue with intense counseling. I am truly astounded at the level of disrespect he is showing toward you, just truly stunned.

We are far from a serious pack your bags marriage problem. I'm not going to throw my husband out because his mother is crazy and he won't deal with it. If that's his only major fault I find myself pretty lucky. If he invited her to live with us, then one of us would be moving out.

 

Did he mess up? Yes. Will I hear about it from his mother? Absolutely. He talked to my FIL and he is a reasonable man, he won't hold it against me. Her, yes, him, no. Bottom line is I'll get what I want for Christmas and if she holds it against me then DH can start traveling there with the kids w/o me.

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Tonight nothing. Next time she brings it up he will tell her in his polite Switzerland way that she's out of her mind. I told him that I'm about ready to email her. He KNOWS he doesn't want that to happen.

 

Now that he's seen the light I will get what I want (a quiet Christmas), and he will keep telling her no until Christmas Day.

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I would already have booked tickets to NM and informed MIL as to that fact.

I have done this, but I truly resented the need to have to make alternate plans just for the sake of having a "legitimate" excuse. It's downright criminal that any nuclear family can't have its needs and plans recognized by extended family members who want their own way. Maddening all around.

 

Sorry you find yourself here, nicolepa. Things got a lot easier in our home when dh finally came around. Still relapses, though. Hope your husband will soon grow to understand that his lack of resolve is harmful to your relationship.

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You've mixed me (OP) and another poster. My MIL has anxiety issues but they have nothing to do with me. ;-).

 

 

sorry.  I sometimes don't pay as much attention to whom is posting what as I should.

 So either they were coming w/o her or booking a ticket and asking later (the latter I'm sure).

 

my mil used to do this kind of stuff all. the. time.   we called it the school of "it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission".  (and "no" was not in her vocabulary.)

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Are you sure that you dh doesn't want your IL's there for Christmas? It sounds to me like he does.

Does he want them here? Yes, but because they are his parents and he feels obligated to have them here, not because he enjoys their visit. Like I said, when it was just them I was willing to deal with it. I'm not willing to deal with 6 extra people, on two months notice, 3 days after my children get out of school. I don't want my in laws spending $10k on last minute airfare. If they all want to come then they can give me 6 months notice like normal people.

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in january, maybe you and dh can sit down and decide when and how often you want/feel obliged to have his folks visit.  we set up an every-other-year plan with my dad and his wife.  they come to visit us every other year.  on the even years, we try to go there.  because it is regular, it doesn't need to be as long, or as big a deal.  and there is no discussion, because every other year they come in June.  (dad and i mutually decided a non-holiday was better, as its less stressful). 

 

then the two of you can get on the phone with his folks and say that you'd love to see them in, say, June.  then, regardless of how it goes, at the end you can say, "that worked out so much better.  do you want to try same time, same place next year/year after next?"  or if you'd like, we could come to you, but money could be a problem. 

 

then you've communicated willingness, not exclusion, dh is meeting his perceived obligations, etc, etc....

and then any other time, you can say, "sorry that won't work for us but we're really looking forward to June.  i wondered if this year you'd like to meet us at disneyland?" 

 

being intentional will help save you from having to be reactive, and in this case that might just make it all easier.

 

hth,

ann

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What?!!!

 

You do realize that your in-laws know you made dh call them back? Not only has dh disrespected you, but he has thrown you fully under the bus. Dh has ensured that your in-laws know that he wants them to come for Christmas, but his witchy wife is making him say no. Nothing he says to them now can remove the knowledge that they have divided you.

 

You do not have in-law issues, you have serious, serious marriage problems. A breakdown wouldn't have been sufficient here; I would have packed dh a bag and called the locksmith. He would not be welcome in our home until we had worked through the issue with intense counseling. I am truly astounded at the level of disrespect he is showing toward you, just truly stunned.

 

Whoa! This seems like quite an overreaction.

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