Roxy Roller Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 My DD is a very 'young' 14 year old. She has hit puberty, but does not want to grow up. We have had our battles this year and I don't see them letting up any time soon. We have had the basic 'birds and the bees' conversations, and I feel like we need to have some heavy conversations about things like rape, abortion, etc., but I do not know how to approach these issues. She seems to not want too much information, and seems to close down if I bring up some of these subjects, like she doesn't want to know about the 'bad' things in the world. They come up in our Bible reading, and she is aware of the basic definition of these issues, but not much else. Is there a resource out there that I don't know about that helps parents talk to their children about these things? My husband and I feel totally inadequate in this area, as she is our oldest child. :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momto6inIN Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Dr. Dobson from Focus on the Family has some good CDs to listen to together. Preparing for Adolescence I think they're called. They don't really dive into the hardest issues such as rape and abortion, but they do provide a very gentle starting point for conversations and help your child to know that it's OK (and even desirable) to talk about these kind of things with you. It might be a good introduction for your daughter if she's hesitant to talk about these types of things ... and may end up being a good "jumping off" point that would lead to other conversations. Hope that helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Ha! This is definitely not an area for the faint of heart! Mostly, I used car time to bring up these subjects. When I was driving them to practice or an event, I would start talking about some of these hard topics and the kid was unable to escape. I think it helps because the kiddo doesn't feel like they are in the spotlight (after all, Mom IS driving!). I found myself doing this yesterday when DD12 and I were driving somewhere and they mentioned Deborah on the Christian radio station. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm37 Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 Roxanne, I wouldn't stress too much about these topics yet. These conversations will come as you do life together over the next few years. My youngest now is 15 1/2 and has matured so much since turning 15. The most important thing is to keep an open relationship with your daughter. Work out any conflicts as quickly as possible. You talk when she is open to talk, even if that means dropping what you're doing to give her attention at odd times. I have had children that love to talk early in the morning and one that opens up after 11 PM only - yawn! Keep praying that you will be ready for the teachable moments as they happen. I am so often in awe of how the Lord works in these things. Blessings! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam L in Mid Tenn Posted October 24, 2013 Share Posted October 24, 2013 We subscribed to World Magazine for several years. Between the magazine and watching news on tv together there were plenty of opportunities to discuss tough issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I, too, use the car to trap my teens. But I have found that TV shows and literature are the easiest way to start talking about heavy topics. It also helps to circle around the issues. One short discussion every few days make it more normal and natural than one long deep talk that never happens again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Is she anxious? With anxious kids, it is important to present information along with a lot of reassurance. Go slowly and present a little at a time, starting with the least disturbing topic. Don't feel that she needs all if the information right now. It is unlikely that she will be personally faced with these issues anytime soon and a little time to mature would not be a bad thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplelily Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 When you talk to her about these issues, talk with her at your side. Do not talk face to face about these issues. This may help her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 Dr. Dobson from Focus on the Family has some good CDs to listen to together. Preparing for Adolescence I think they're called. They don't really dive into the hardest issues such as rape and abortion, but they do provide a very gentle starting point for conversations and help your child to know that it's OK (and even desirable) to talk about these kind of things with you. It might be a good introduction for your daughter if she's hesitant to talk about these types of things ... and may end up being a good "jumping off" point that would lead to other conversations. Hope that helps! Thank you for reminding me about this. I have the books for Preparing for Adolescence, and when I looked at them last year, they seemed like too much for her, but they might be just right now. I will look at them again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 Ha! This is definitely not an area for the faint of heart! Mostly, I used car time to bring up these subjects. When I was driving them to practice or an event, I would start talking about some of these hard topics and the kid was unable to escape. I think it helps because the kiddo doesn't feel like they are in the spotlight (after all, Mom IS driving!). I found myself doing this yesterday when DD12 and I were driving somewhere and they mentioned Deborah on the Christian radio station. My DD and I drive to her riding lessons each Wednesday and we don't have the boys with us, so I will try to use these times as discussion times. Thanks for the tip! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 Roxanne, I wouldn't stress too much about these topics yet. These conversations will come as you do life together over the next few years. My youngest now is 15 1/2 and has matured so much since turning 15. The most important thing is to keep an open relationship with your daughter. Work out any conflicts as quickly as possible. You talk when she is open to talk, even if that means dropping what you're doing to give her attention at odd times. I have had children that love to talk early in the morning and one that opens up after 11 PM only - yawn! Keep praying that you will be ready for the teachable moments as they happen. I am so often in awe of how the Lord works in these things. Blessings! Thank you for your response, Cathy. I really am not sure if she is ready to talk about these things, and it is encouraging to me to know that it is okay if she needs to wait. My DD always wants to talk in the evening (when I want to go to bed), but I have been making an effort to chat with her and do some of her bible reading for AWANA with her at that time. Thank you for the reminder to pray for teachable moments and to pray that I will be ready for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 We subscribed to World Magazine for several years. Between the magazine and watching news on tv together there were plenty of opportunities to discuss tough issues. We don't have TV, so we don't watch the news, but subscribing to a magazine would be a good idea. Do you mean God's World News or is World Magazine something different? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 I reviewed several documentaries from Netflix then watched them with my daughter. I wouldn't know where to start. Do you have a list of documentaries that you felt were beneficial? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 I, too, use the car to trap my teens. But I have found that TV shows and literature are the easiest way to start talking about heavy topics. It also helps to circle around the issues. One short discussion every few days make it more normal and natural than one long deep talk that never happens again. I agree that we need to naturally talk about these things so that it becomes normal, and not one deep talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 Is she anxious? With anxious kids, it is important to present information along with a lot of reassurance. Go slowly and present a little at a time, starting with the least disturbing topic. Don't feel that she needs all if the information right now. It is unlikely that she will be personally faced with these issues anytime soon and a little time to mature would not be a bad thing. Yes, I would say that she is a little anxious. Maybe I will give her a little more time to mature and do some praying in the meantime. Thank you for your insight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 When you talk to her about these issues, talk with her at your side. Do not talk face to face about these issues. This may help her. Thank you for the tip! Talking in the car seems like it would be a perfect time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santi Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Maybe I'm negative or over protective or something, but I would be careful about waiting too long to talk about rape/sexual assault type things. I know they're not a fun subject, but I think the high school age is definitely a time where teenagers can easily be put into situations like that and I wouldn't want my daughter (or son) to not know what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 We don't have TV, so we don't watch the news, but subscribing to a magazine would be a good idea. Do you mean God's World News or is World Magazine something different? World Magazine is the adult magazine. Same publishing company. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhudson Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 We are using a book called, "Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman's Battle: Creative Conversations About Sexual and Emotional Integrity". It has been very helpful. We also use a journal to talk back and forth. My dd has been far more willing to ask questions using a journal rather than face to face. I also use car time for extra discussion. Edited to add - this book talks about a lot of uncomfortable topics and I have paraphrased some chapters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 Maybe I'm negative or over protective or something, but I would be careful about waiting too long to talk about rape/sexual assault type things. I know they're not a fun subject, but I think the high school age is definitely a time where teenagers can easily be put into situations like that and I wouldn't want my daughter (or son) to not know what to do. I agree, which is why I feel like I need to have some of these conversations now, even though I am not sure that she is mature enough for them. She is a very pretty girl, even though she would disagree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 World Magazine is the adult magazine. Same publishing company. Thank you. I will look into it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxy Roller Posted October 25, 2013 Author Share Posted October 25, 2013 We are using a book called, "Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman's Battle: Creative Conversations About Sexual and Emotional Integrity". It has been very helpful. We also use a journal to talk back and forth. My dd has been far more willing to ask questions using a journal rather than face to face. I also use car time for extra discussion. Edited to add - this book talks about a lot of uncomfortable topics and I have paraphrased some chapters. Thank you, Dawn. I will look into that book. I will think about using a journal, but my daughter is very auditory, so I am not sure writing things down would work for her. Thank you for the heads up about the uncomfortable topics. It sounds like just what I need to help me discuss these topics with her. I would probably have to paraphrase the chapters with her as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mims Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Have you looked at Passport to Purity by Family Life today? They suggest having a special weekend and doing this but I knew it wouldn't work with my very private daughters so we listened to them in the car on the way to lessons. Because we were in the car it took the pressure off but did start some conversations. Perhaps there are other CD's you can do in the car along this line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candid Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Your local pregnancy care center may have materials or a class they could do with her. It varies from center to center. I have heard recently of a program called Integrity that is supposed to be good. From my own readings in the literature around abortion might I suggest one straightforward and one strange things. First, make clear to her that you will support her if she does get pregnant, do nothing to imply you will toss her out, etc. You don't have to say this flat out, but to tell her with some frequency that no matter what she has done or what the situation that you will love and support her would be a very good thing. AND, the weird one, make sure she knows neither you nor your husband will drop dead of a heart attack or some other aliment if she should become pregnant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 My 13 year old daughter is also exceedingly uncomfortable with these topics (and hates that she has hit puberty). We did have our birds and bees talk, but she asked specifically if we could wait to discuss the "gory" details of certain areas until she was older. What we did instead was talk in general terms about safety and how to recognize potentially dangerous situations, instead of going into detail about rape, etc. She is aware that there are bad people that do very bad things and we discuss periodically how to assess the safety of particular locations and people and what to do if she feels she is in danger. We have also discussed that boys may have a different view of what is o.k. with regards to touching, verbal discussions, etc. than we do and what to do if certain things happen. Mainly, I have been trying hard to create a bond of trust so if she does have questions over the next year, she knows she can ask them without it being a big deal and making her embarrassed. We have decided to wait til she is a little more mature to handle more depth since all we seemed to be doing was upsetting her. If she is so upset, she might not feel she can come ask questions or call for help when she really needs it. Next year, I plan to go into more depth, along with support material from various sources mentioned already on this site. Good luck! I know this is a hard call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I wouldn't stress too much about these topics yet. These conversations will come as you do life together over the next few years. My youngest now is 15 1/2 and has matured so much since turning 15. The most important thing is to keep an open relationship with your daughter. Work out any conflicts as quickly as possible. You talk when she is open to talk, even if that means dropping what you're doing to give her attention at odd times. I have had children that love to talk early in the morning and one that opens up after 11 PM only - yawn! Keep praying that you will be ready for the teachable moments as they happen. I am so often in awe of how the Lord works in these things. :iagree: I would follow my dd's lead that she really doesn't want to delve deep in these subjects. I don't see a benefit in pushing it on her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeterPan Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 If you're worried about her safety, maybe approach it a different way such as with a one day women's safety workshop? Something hands-on might work for her and not get into territory she's not ready for yet. Those harder issues are going to be in the things she delves into over the next few years (movies, the news, literature). They'll even be interesting to her later via a discussion of apologetics rather than the biology side of things. It's ok to wait. I certainly haven't had any heavy talks on those things with my dd. We avoid nothing, and I'm sure she knows about them generally. I anticipate them coming up pretty naturally over the next couple years via apologetics, biology, etc., so I'm just not worried about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 26, 2013 Share Posted October 26, 2013 World Magazine is the adult magazine. Same publishing company. I think you mean that it's the magazine for adults, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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