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Does the ER help if I can't stop crying? *Update* I did stop crying:)


mommybee
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Ok so what's a decent rate because I had a lawyer I went to and wouldn't mind going back I just don't want to get in over my head for money.

 

With a lawyer what am I doing exactly? I don't want to divorce him yet but am I just putting it all in order?

Unfortunately, Family Law has gotten complicated and is a specialty. Without that llegal backing, you are vulnerable. The problem is you are vulnerable is major areas; health, security, kids.

 

You mentioned doing everything you've agreed to. That is awesome!! However, you need to plan and ove forward as if he won't do the same.

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Lawyers cost a lot so at this point I'd like us to start on the paperwork she gave me last year and maybe try and come to some agreements that a paralegal can put in writing.

Paralegals can't formalize anything. Their job is to research, organize, assist... If one is telling you s/he can do anything in place of an attorney, beware. Unauthorized Practice of Law is a crime in my state. Some couples divorce without an attorney or with minimal assistance when it's an amicable settlement (more likely with no children, no assets, no retirement or insurance issues). I don't want someone ripping you off, selling you services that don't exist.

 

Some states allow formal separation agreements to be filed in family court. It's not quite a divorce, but it creates a legal separation between otherwise contracted individuals. Generally it lays out the rules for anything that is jointly held--children, property, accounts (assets and debts), support payments, etc. Like any agreement, it's basically only as good as the person's word. It doesn't prevent the other party from filing for divorce.

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Ok so I should take our agreements and paperwork and just go to her and file?

 

Then can I just wait to divorce?

 

Having never been through this I'm not sure what I'm doing. I don't want to make it official but I have no problem seeing a lawyer either. Should I tell him I'm taking the paperwork to a lawyer?

 

I get being prepared but I'm not sure what I am doing wih a lawyer at this stage when I do want to start the divorce but I don't want to finish it. I'll go see her I just am unsure what I need right at this moment.

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Paralegals can't formalize anything. Their job is to research, organize, assist... If one is telling you s/he can do anything in place of an attorney, beware. Unauthorized Practice of Law is a crime in my state. Some couples divorce without an attorney or with minimal assistance when it's an amicable settlement (more likely with no children, no assets, no retirement or insurance issues). I don't want someone ripping you off, selling you services that don't exist.

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Sheesh! Quote didn't work on my phone.

 

The lawyer recommended the paralegal for the filing if we were still amicable and she was clear on what she could do for us.

Oh, so the paralegal would be handling your meetings and calls, but the attorney would review before filing? That's different. There have been multiple paralegals and secretaries with access to forms at work who operate a little side business...

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Yeah the lawyer gave me the paperwork and said that if we agreed to everything the paralegal could prepare the papers and we could even just file them ourselves.

It was last year so I don't remember exactly. I should probably see her again with his correct salary amounts and make sure I know what he should pay for spousal and child support. She gave me some figures but I didn't have all the info. I guess visitation as well. Problem is she was like $300.

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Right now I am not going to risk my health by losing my medical insurance. It may seem unreasonable to some but until I can figure out how to get my own I don't have an option. I just started working so I don't have enough hours to get my own. I don't really like the idea of having to go on medi cal and I don't understand how to get insurance any other way with my health problems. Even with spousal and child support I won't have enough to pay for all of that and live.

 

I can't afford cobra either. I just can't handle the thought of losing all the excellent dr's and care I've had for 19 yrs.

 

I don't know what else to do. I don't see how having no medical care will benefit the raising of my children. I run the risk of getting very sick.

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OP, I understand on a living level the health insurance problem. I am sitting, uninsured, in a hospital room that was my home for a week. My costs will be more than a small home.

 

You need an attorney to help you with the laws of your state. Employers all over continue to keep ex spouses on insurance.

 

The problem is that even with a court order (which is what a divorce decree is), you can't make your xh honor it. I have observed it is best to move towards complete autonomy as soon as possible.

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I stayed for so long because of the insurance and then when he left I was all set to just accept that I might need to use state medical and then I wavered. I may just have to mentally accept that fact and proceed. I really want to file and be autonomous. I really do. 

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I wanted to reply just to give you a few words of encouragement (and advice :-)

 

As sticky as the situation is, you probably need to get your head around the fact that you will be tied to him for a bit longer and it will be a slow unraveling. If you have kids together, you're kind of stuck with each other for a while. There is no shame in getting yourself together first, before you officially call it quits. I had to live with my ex in the same house for almost a year after we separated. I had no money, no job, and no one else to live with. I was in school at the time. It sucked. And I got a lot of commentary from other people, but whatever. Get yourself together (and your kids) and then worry about severing the relationship legally.

 

Happy times can be in your future. I know it sucks when you think you're building a life with someone only to be derailed. But, that does not mean that you can't build a different life! It doesn't have to resemble the first life. It might be something totally different, if you're open to that idea.

 

Good luck!

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I wanted to reply just to give you a few words of encouragement (and advice :-)

 

As sticky as the situation is, you probably need to get your head around the fact that you will be tied to him for a bit longer and it will be a slow unraveling. If you have kids together, you're kind of stuck with each other for a while. There is no shame in getting yourself together first, before you officially call it quits. I had to live with my ex in the same house for almost a year after we separated. I had no money, no job, and no one else to live with. I was in school at the time. It sucked. And I got a lot of commentary from other people, but whatever. Get yourself together (and your kids) and then worry about severing the relationship legally.

 

Happy times can be in your future. I know it sucks when you think you're building a life with someone only to be derailed. But, that does not mean that you can't build a different life! It doesn't have to resemble the first life. It might be something totally different, if you're open to that idea.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks for this! I do have my eyes open but it will just have to happen when it happens. It helps to hear that. Some people have such bad experiences that they see the worst always. 

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Luckily in my life I know more people who have had good divorces than bad. 

 

I still plan to get the process moving along as I don't want him to surprise me with anything but so far he has been very workable around our arrangement. I am not fooled into thinking this new girlfriend won't cause that to change but he assures me he won't do that to his kids and he is very attentive to them.

 

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OP, I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. :grouphug:

 

A good cry face down on my lawn made me feel better the next day.  Crazy, but true. 

 

Reaching out to strangers on-line helped me.

 

Oh RR, I'm sorry you had a bad time too. I don't think it's crazy at all. I just haven't been as brave about doing it on the lawn. :grouphug:  to you too.

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I'm not sure how realistically we are both supposed to afford a lawyer. She was very quick with her time and very expensive. We are both living on very little. He doesn't make much money as it is.

 

You don't need to worry about his lawyer. Only yours......... And you most certainly do not need to wait for him to find one. Nor should you tell him you have one, once you do.

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You are letting fear of the unknown control you. You may be in a much better position post divorce than you realize. Medicaid has been expanded in many states and you may very well qualify for FREE medical. Not sure if you will get to keep all your same doctors but hey be THRILLED there is a provision for you.

 

It is already late October. It is highly unlikely a divorce could be finalized before January 1, especially if one party is dragging her feet.

 

I do know the fear of losing insurance. I went without for 2 years...had it for 18 months and now without again. It is scary...but you can only do what you can do.

 

(((Hugs)))

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Thanks for this! I do have my eyes open but it will just have to happen when it happens. It helps to hear that. Some people have such bad experiences that they see the worst always. 

 

 

No, that is not what is happening in this thread. We (some professsionals, some BTDT, some other experience) are sharing the reality of divorce with kids, property, and other issues.

 

You need an attorney.

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Yes Joanne I know you are. I didn't quite mean it like that just that in your area of experience professionally and from experience you are more cautious.

 

I am taking it seriously but at the same time he isn't evil and has been working with me.

 

I just can't keep hearing all the negative cause I get it. I can only do what I am capable of. A dr visit will probably help that and I had already decided after this thread to go see the lawyer I found and to begin the divorce.

 

I will not continue to fear the worst that can happen I will just go ahead and do it.

 

I appreciate all the help and concern. You were all here when I needed the support.

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One thing to think about, most (if not all) states have something known as "legal separation."  This is an option that is often used by religious people who don't want a "divorce" and also by people in your situation who do not want to loose health insurance.  It is worth investigating.  It would allow you to formalize most of the divorce issues but probably protect your health insurance.

 

The statement that a paralegal can help "if you agree with everything" is important.  Yes, in situations where there is no or very little property, no kids, nothing really except a marriage on paper that needs to be terminated - you can go forward with out an attorney.  However, in a situation with property, retirement accounts, health insurance, kids, child support, spousal support, etc., etc you really need some professional help.

 

I am sure it is daunting...but doable!

 

 

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:grouphug:  I hope your first day at the new job went well.  I remember those early stages of my separation, heck those things would crop up repeatedly for the first 4 years or so.  A couple things, as far as lawyers etc, keep it in the back of your mind but don't panic just yet.  If he is as low income as you are saying he may not go that route.  If he is otherwise still sticking to the agreement you both made then I would go with that to make it legal but it doesn't have to cost a fortune.  You two can sit down, hammer out the details and file on your own without lawyers for a couple hundred bucks I am sure.  I can do that here in Canada, I am sure there is something similar there, you just have to pay the filing fee once you have the paperwork done.  They do have to be the proper legal forms with the proper documentation included but it does not have to be pricey.  Also even if he has a gf that does not mean right away the divorce will be fast coming.  Ex and I split 12.5 years ago.  6 of those years he has had a live in gf, I don't know how long they dated before she moved in.  We are still legally married and just going to be doing our divorce now.  So even if he has this gf and is moving on in that way that does not mean he will grab a lawyer and file for divorce right away, meaning you have time to continue getting on your feet.

 

As for dealing with the rest of the emotions, you need to create a new life for yourself that makes you happy.  See if there is a divorce care support group near you, many women benefit from it.  It is like group therapy for free and you can meet other women facing the same fears etc you are.  For myself back then I was in a stich n' bitch group (we got together once a month to cross stitch, snack and talk), went to scrapbook nights, took things like cake decorating lessons, I was in a young moms group (well technically I was in it before the split but it really helped since most of them were single moms already) etc.  Later I joined a church and went to bible studies.  Now 12 years in I volunteer, am on various committees etc.  Doing those things makes me feel good and gets me away from the kids and my stresses here and makes me feels wanted and important again kwim. Self care in the form of my long bubble baths (used to be on Sundays but are now on Saturday afternoons), this message board, reading etc.  Things that relax me.

I found the only way I was able to feel emotional stable again was to recreate who I was.  I was not his wife anymore (well legally I was but ykwim) and so I did not have those friends, those activities, the other person there at the end of the night etc.  I never had someone looking out for me and my hurt before the split either so that was not something new for me but it certianly didn't help at the time with my feelings BUT it did help long term in my ability to adjust and handle whats tossed my way.  If you have to do it all yourself even get through emotionally difficult times those other blips along the way are nothing, so while it is very difficult right now it is strengthening you for down the line.

 

If you still can not stop crying after a week or two of self care etc then call around for mental health help, sometimes all you need is someone to listen, but sometimes you need a little extra pharmaceutical help.  Now that said if you feel that your emotional distress right now will put your job at risk or hinder your abilities as a mother then call around int he morning and get help asap.  Going to the ER will do little to help you, but certainly don't hesitate to find other sources of therapy (and like I said above divorce care groups, single moms groups etc are free) if you are affiliated with a church you can also access free counselling from a pastor.  If won't help if you need something more than just someone to listen, but it worth looking into imo.

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Thanks Swellmomma......that is all great advice and really helps me. I read a lot of your threads so I know a little bit about your situation.

 

I did try that Divorce Care but I got a bad group so unfortunately I put myself out there and it didn't help.

 

I have to really make myself go to meetings and things and I haven't been up to trying another one.

 

I am trying to figure out who I am and what I like to do. I have been more surprised at the people who disappeared from my life and have never called to ask if I'm ok.

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Thanks Swellmomma......that is all great advice and really helps me. I read a lot of your threads so I know a little bit about your situation.

 

I did try that Divorce Care but I got a bad group so unfortunately I put myself out there and it didn't help.

 

I have to really make myself go to meetings and things and I haven't been up to trying another one.

 

I am trying to figure out who I am and what I like to do. I have been more surprised at the people who disappeared from my life and have never called to ask if I'm ok.

 

That is something anyone who has ever gone through a big change has found.  People vanish, they either don't know what to say so they stop contact altogether, they have too much going on in their own lives and feel they can't cope with someone else's, etc.  It is unfortunately a relatively typical result of big change especially one of the big Ds: Divorce, Death or Disability.  I went through that when my ex and I split losing a lot of friends(mostly because they were the wives of his friend kwim), and again when it came to my kids disabilities.  That's why it is up to you to find ways to be okay without someone else asking/checking/helping.  While we all feel better when someone else checks in on us and gives that support unfortunately when it comes to the big Ds that is not likely to happen after the 1st month or 2.  So then you have to work on being okay, not just saying you are, but really being okay even with out.  Because then you are in a frame of mind to cultivate new friendships.  It's hard to make new friendships if you are in a needy state of mind.  And it is perfectly normal to be in that when one of the big Ds are fairly new in your life.  Others won't try to form that good relationship with you if they think it will be one sided kwim.  You are feeling the same way about those that you know that only want to focus on their own problems. So again it does come down to figuring out who you are so that you feel okay again.  And that is not always easy.  Start with something small.  Is there something you used to enjoy doing before you were married that you stopped due to circumstances/time etc?  That's why I went the crafty route before marriage I was always crafting, working with kids, volunteering etc.  During my marriage my focus was on my kids, my husband and my home.  We moved several times for his work and I had not had a chance to set down roots anywhere during the marriage because we moved everytime I started to.  So when we split I moved back to my hometown, started a job in a daycare and started the crafty stuff again.  It helped me get back to being okay.  I did prove to myself that I was not who I was before I was married anymore lol but I wasn't feeling like a shadow anymore either kwim. 

 

I thought of another source of therapy that won't cost you an arm and a leg.  We have a group out here called catholic social services. It was started by a group of catholic nuns hence the name but it serves everyone not just catholics, heck they are happy to serve anyone who needs assistance even if they don't believe in God at all.  They offer sliding scale therapy, so the less money you make the less you pay but it is still qualified psychologists to talk to.  They also have access to other supports if you need them.  I looked into them for therapy at one point but found a clinic that was free because they billed provincial health care.  I know a lot of people use them for access to the clothing bank, food bank, literacy classes etc but I never needed that stuff.  Anyway it got me thinking there must be charities like that in the US as well.  Places where those that have little financial resources can still access help when they need it.  It may be worth checking if there is something like that around where you live.

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