Adoption question -- am I the only adoptee to come across this?

[msjones]

I was adopted as a newborn.  My husband was also adopted at 7 months out of US foster care.  All but one of our siblings were also adopted.

 

We have two sons.  One of them is very intrigued with the adoption 'thing.'  I think he's given it more thought than I ever did at his age.  With adopted siblings, I just didn't think much of it. It was a non-issue in my life.

 

He has decided that if I was adopted, and so was his dad, then he was adopted -- by his grandparents.

 

Now, when he first announced this, I just sort of blew him off and told him to get back to his schoolwork.  But he really meant it.  Kept bringing it up.

 

He believes that since his grandparents aren't really his grandparents and he has 4 other real grandparents, that my parents and my husband's parents are his adopted grandparents and he is the adopted grandson.

 

!??!?!  

 

He kind of has a point.  I guess?

 

He's also sure that my (adoptive) parents aren't really my parents, and that seems to sometimes bother him. It bothers him that my sister isn't 'really' his aunt, and his cousins aren't his cousins and wonders how many 'real' cousins he has out there somewhere, and who his 'real' grandparents are.

 

Have any of you other adoptees come across this kind of thing with your kids?

 

 

[Tap]

It does make sense to me for two reasons.

 

1. Biologically, he is correct.  He is not biologically related to his 'family'.

2. It is very possible, that he does have bio family out there, somewhere. 

 

I do not think that it would be beneficial to deny either of those truths.  What I would do is start to teach him more appropriate terms like bio-parents instead of 'real parents'. 

 

I am not adopted, but dd6 is.  I am sure there has to be some information somewhere on this situation, but you may also search 'kinship care' (family adopting/caring for family) and see if you can find any information there as well.  One thing that is often discussed in kinship care is the new cultural family idenifiers that we use.  DD6 is also my half-great-niece.  My mother is both dd6s grandmother and great-grandmother.  My kids (her brother and sister) are her half-first cousins once removed (I think that is right at least, my brain is tired).  Her bio mom is her half first cousin. And she is her own half-first cousin once removed.  LOL  

 

For us, it was a fun experiment to see why we label relations the way we do and what it really means to us.  Like why do we call dh's bff, our kids 'uncle' and seen him several times a year, but haven't seen any of their bio-uncles in several years. Why is uncle or aunt a word we use to describe those familial relationships, even though the bio people in those roles may fall very short of what that means.  

 

It was waaaay over her head but she go the point that labels for family members are just labels.  What they do within that role is far more important than the label. 

[Melissa in Australia]

well my stepdad legally adopted me when I was 6. I have always thought of him as my stepdad, and his child as my stepbrother. But he was and is a better father than my biological father ever was.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I agree with Tap.  He feels there is a biological connection to someone "out there."  I do think that I would probably discuss how family is really a lot more than biology.  But I also was very interested in my dad's biological ties.  I would love to have names/faces, and if they are still alive, even a possible relationship.  But my grandparents, those who raised my father, most certainly are family.  

 

[Mommyfaithe]

My kids always had that feeling too. Last year we had the benefit of meeting my biological mom and siblings. It was such an eye opening experience. NO, I was not a princess who was hidden from a wicked queen! LOL! Anyway, my kids have kept in touch with one of my sisters who is a very sweet spirit. I have occasional phone contact with bio mom and sisters. For some reason, they accepted me like I was always there....I am having a bigger issue letting them in further.

 

My kids also got to meet a ton of biological cousins and they all hit it off like they knew each other their whole lives.

 

The funny thing is they are all very similar in temperament and appearance. They were all homeschooled. It was kind of wonderful to watch them all together.

 

Anyway, your son sounds very intelligent....and like he is a deep thinker looking for connections. I might do a little unit on what makes a family....because, well....mommy and daddy are not blood related, but we certainly are a family! Families are a group of people who love each other, stand by each other and help each other. Biological relatives are relatives, not necessarily family, iykwim? Our dog is part of our family. There is a reciprocity of love. My aunts and uncles.....not so much. They do not see me as part of the family because I was adopted in.

 

This parenting this is sure not for sissies!

~~faithe

[mathmarm]

Hubby and I considered adoption several times and when we've spoken to some of acquaintances who were adopted, one dad mentioned this. He had been adopted as a small child and his daughters were fascinated by the idea of having 3 sets of grandparents: Biological maternal grands, adopted paternal grands, and then biological paternal grands.

 

It was something they talked about often and they even tried to make a family tree poster to reflect this--I never saw the finished product/found out what came to be of it, but I have heard of this

I was adopted as a newborn.  My husband was also adopted at 7 months out of US foster care.  All but one of our siblings were also adopted.

 

We have two sons.  One of them is very intrigued with the adoption 'thing.'  I think he's given it more thought than I ever did at his age.  With adopted siblings, I just didn't think much of it. It was a non-issue in my life.

 

He has decided that if I was adopted, and so was his dad, then he was adopted -- by his grandparents.

 

Now, when he first announced this, I just sort of blew him off and told him to get back to his schoolwork.  But he really meant it.  Kept bringing it up.

 

He believes that since his grandparents aren't really his grandparents and he has 4 other real grandparents, that my parents and my husband's parents are his adopted grandparents and he is the adopted grandson.

 

!??!?!  

 

He kind of has a point.  I guess?

 

He's also sure that my (adoptive) parents aren't really my parents, and that seems to sometimes bother him. It bothers him that my sister isn't 'really' his aunt, and his cousins aren't his cousins and wonders how many 'real' cousins he has out there somewhere, and who his 'real' grandparents are.

 

Have any of you other adoptees come across this kind of thing with your kids?

 

[Haiku]

I was not adopted, but two of my kids and one of my sisters were.

 

First, I would point out that your son was not adopted by anyone. He was born into a family that has adopted members, but adoption is a legal process and has nothing to do with him. I think he needs to be very clear on the idea that he was not adopted.

 

I would then have discussions about how there are all kinds of families, and that being biologically related doesn't make a family more or less real than an adoptive family. I would talk about how both formal and informal adoption have been a part of all societies and all times, and that focusing too narrowly on who is biologically related to whom can be diminishing of the real love and family ties that adoptive families are built on.

 

I would also tell him it's fine to be curious about unknown biological relations but that his real family is the one who knows him and loves him, not strangers he has never met.

[amyx4]

My grandparents had two bio kids and then adopted my dad as an infant. I was told this by my mother during the "birds&bees" talk.  And it was never really discussed again. His bio siblings all comment on how he looks just them, etc, etc. Here's the thing, I have a unique feature that clearly must have come from his biological parents. My sibs don't have this feature and none of our kids have this feature. I was never curious about this feature until I started have my own kids. I would love to know who I share this feature with but since my dad has never been curious about his adoption, I didn't think it was ok for me to going looking for his bio family.

So I don't have any answers to how to speak to your son, but I just wanted you to know that as a child of an adoptee I have wondered a bit. 

[DawnM]

We really don't deal with this in my family.

 

I was adopted at birth.  I look nothing like my bio-parents other than we are all Caucasian, so at least that isn't a significant difference.  My parents are both tall (6'0" and 5'9"), I am 4'11"  :laugh:   My parents both have brown hair (dad's is light, mom's is very dark) and I have red/auburn hair! 

 

I now live closer to my mom's side of the family.  It is uncanny how the female cousins all look like sisters......all except ME that is!  

 

The only time it is uncomfortable for me is when they talk about family traits and how they all have them.  Well, all but ME!  

 

However, I think honestly, that even if I were blood related to them I would be odd man out.  I wasn't raised near them or even in this country.  I just have a different worldview and mindset.

 

Ok, that was a tangent!  Sorry.

 

My youngest son is adopted too.

 

Dawn

[SKL]

That's really interesting.  I had not heard of this before, but I can see his point!  I would acknowledge his feelings just like I acknowledge the feelings of my own kids (who were adopted).  I would let him know that just like anything else, when it comes to adoption everyone feels and reacts differently.  Some adoptees never give a lot of thought or emotion to their biological roots, others do.  And it happens at different times/ages for each person.  Just have an open discussion and share your own feelings and have your husband do the same.  Consider sharing some children's books targeted at adoptees, or the book "Here's a Penny" which I remember reading in my childhood.  There really is no right answer.  As for who your "real" parents / his "real" grandparents are, maybe give him some more accurate language that reflects the physical truth but does not undermine the "realness" of your family relations.

[KrissiK]

My kids are all adopted and my brother is adopted and some of their cousins on dh's side are adopted. So adoption is a very "normal" thing in our family. Sometimes my kids get some odd notions about biological relationships, too. It is a hard thing for them to understand. I just try to be straightforward and matter-of-fact about the whole thing. And keep explaining things over and over again. It is hard for a young mind to wrap itself around. Especially if we're talking about people they have never (and possibly will never) met. Adoption is such a beautiful thing and yet it is so hard because for some reason that biological bond is so strong, and some issues can be so painful.

[Ravin]

I believe that family connections exist on different levels. On the surface, adoption is about the legal relationships. But I believe family connections exist on a spiritual level as well as biological, emotional, and legal. I believe adoption forges spiritual as well as legal and emotional kinship, but doesn't necessarily sever spiritual connections to biological relatives. This also ties in with the draw to ancestors and ancestral cultures discussed on that other thread.

[msjones]

It does make sense to me for two reasons.

 

1. Biologically, he is correct.  He is not biologically related to his 'family'.

2. It is very possible, that he does have bio family out there, somewhere. 

 

I'm sure he must, and he is fascinated by that.  He kind of looks at me like, "let's get on this mom!"  He wants to meet them.  That doesn't bother or upset me, but I'm completely surprised by it.  I've just never thought about the child of an adoptee caring about any of these issues.

 

I do not think that it would be beneficial to deny either of those truths.  What I would do is start to teach him more appropriate terms like bio-parents instead of 'real parents'. 

 

I am not adopted, but dd6 is.  I am sure there has to be some information somewhere on this situation, but you may also search 'kinship care' (family adopting/caring for family) and see if you can find any information there as well.  One thing that is often discussed in kinship care is the new cultural family idenifiers that we use.  DD6 is also my half-great-niece.  My mother is both dd6s grandmother and great-grandmother.  My kids (her brother and sister) are her half-first cousins once removed (I think that is right at least, my brain is tired).  Her bio mom is her half first cousin. And she is her own half-first cousin once removed.  LOL  

 

That is seriously complicated!  

 

For us, it was a fun experiment to see why we label relations the way we do and what it really means to us.  Like why do we call dh's bff, our kids 'uncle' and seen him several times a year, but haven't seen any of their bio-uncles in several years. Why is uncle or aunt a word we use to describe those familial relationships, even though the bio people in those roles may fall very short of what that means.  

 

It was waaaay over her head but she go the point that labels for family members are just labels.  What they do within that role is far more important than the label. 

[msjones]

well my stepdad legally adopted me when I was 6. I have always thought of him as my stepdad, and his child as my stepbrother. But he was and is a better father than my biological father ever was.

 

He does understand the truth that my parents who adopted me are the ones who love me and raised me.  But he really wonders about the others.  

[msjones]

I agree with Tap.  He feels there is a biological connection to someone "out there."  I do think that I would probably discuss how family is really a lot more than biology.  But I also was very interested in my dad's biological ties.  I would love to have names/faces, and if they are still alive, even a possible relationship.  But my grandparents, those who raised my father, most certainly are family.  

 

That's just what he says.  "They're out there somewhere, Mom!"

 

Then he wonders just how many cousins he must have, what his other grandparents are like, how nearby they live, what they look like. 

 

I just never expected my kids to be interested.  

[msjones]

My kids always had that feeling too. Last year we had the benefit of meeting my biological mom and siblings. It was such an eye opening experience. NO, I was not a princess who was hidden from a wicked queen! LOL! Anyway, my kids have kept in touch with one of my sisters who is a very sweet spirit. I have occasional phone contact with bio mom and sisters. For some reason, they accepted me like I was always there....I am having a bigger issue letting them in further.

 

My kids also got to meet a ton of biological cousins and they all hit it off like they knew each other their whole lives.

 

The funny thing is they are all very similar in temperament and appearance. They were all homeschooled. It was kind of wonderful to watch them all together.

 

Anyway, your son sounds very intelligent....and like he is a deep thinker looking for connections. I might do a little unit on what makes a family....because, well....mommy and daddy are not blood related, but we certainly are a family! Families are a group of people who love each other, stand by each other and help each other. Biological relatives are relatives, not necessarily family, iykwim? Our dog is part of our family. There is a reciprocity of love. My aunts and uncles.....not so much. They do not see me as part of the family because I was adopted in.

 

This parenting this is sure not for sissies!

~~faithe

 

See, he is not similar in temperament or appearance to his 'adoptive' cousins.  He notices that.  He notices how I don't 'fit' with my family in looks or temperament.  He wonders what the 'real' family is like.

 

Were you glad to have contacted your bio family?  How did you go about it?  What a can of worms!  I just can't imagine...

[msjones]

Hubby and I considered adoption several times and when we've spoken to some of acquaintances who were adopted, one dad mentioned this. He had been adopted as a small child and his daughters were fascinated by the idea of having 3 sets of grandparents: Biological maternal grands, adopted paternal grands, and then biological paternal grands.

 

It was something they talked about often and they even tried to make a family tree poster to reflect this--I never saw the finished product/found out what came to be of it, but I have heard of this

 

Well, it's nice to hear my son isn't the only one!  I like the family tree poster idea.  I think he would too.  I'm going to think about that...

[msjones]

I was not adopted, but two of my kids and one of my sisters were.

 

First, I would point out that your son was not adopted by anyone. He was born into a family that has adopted members, but adoption is a legal process and has nothing to do with him. I think he needs to be very clear on the idea that he was not adopted.

 

I would then have discussions about how there are all kinds of families, and that being biologically related doesn't make a family more or less real than an adoptive family. I would talk about how both formal and informal adoption have been a part of all societies and all times, and that focusing too narrowly on who is biologically related to whom can be diminishing of the real love and family ties that adoptive families are built on.

 

I would also tell him it's fine to be curious about unknown biological relations but that his real family is the one who knows him and loves him, not strangers he has never met.

 

I'm laughing a bit at your first point because we have talked and talked about this. (That adoption is a legal process, what a bio family is vs an adoptive family, that he is indeed our biological son, etc. etc.)

 

 He has decided that although he was not adopted my me and his dad, that he is indeed the adopted grandson of his grandparents.  It does kind of make sense.  Kind of...

 

He thinks we are the ones who are confused.  :)

[msjones]

We really don't deal with this in my family.

 

I was adopted at birth.  I look nothing like my bio-parents other than we are all Caucasian, so at least that isn't a significant difference.  My parents are both tall (6'0" and 5'9"), I am 4'11"  :laugh:   My parents both have brown hair (dad's is light, mom's is very dark) and I have red/auburn hair! 

 

I now live closer to my mom's side of the family.  It is uncanny how the female cousins all look like sisters......all except ME that is!  

 

The only time it is uncomfortable for me is when they talk about family traits and how they all have them.  Well, all but ME!  

 

However, I think honestly, that even if I were blood related to them I would be odd man out.  I wasn't raised near them or even in this country.  I just have a different worldview and mindset.

 

Ok, that was a tangent!  Sorry.

 

My youngest son is adopted too.

 

Dawn

I think part of what 'set him off' is how much my nephews look like my parents.  My sister (the only non-adopted sibling) has two boys.  They look JUST LIKE my parents.  None of the rest of us do, naturally. We had a little family reunion of sorts last summer and that was funny.  Our little family looked like foreigners. 

 

None of this has ever given me much pause.  But my son...

[msjones]

My kids are all adopted and my brother is adopted and some of their cousins on dh's side are adopted. So adoption is a very "normal" thing in our family. Sometimes my kids get some odd notions about biological relationships, too. It is a hard thing for them to understand. I just try to be straightforward and matter-of-fact about the whole thing. And keep explaining things over and over again. It is hard for a young mind to wrap itself around. Especially if we're talking about people they have never (and possibly will never) met. Adoption is such a beautiful thing and yet it is so hard because for some reason that biological bond is so strong, and some issues can be so painful.

 

Fortunately, he just seems fascinated and curious most of the time.  Now and then he seems to feel sorry for me, which is kind of sweet.  He sort of thinks I've been 'duped' into believing my family is my family.  

[msjones]

I believe that family connections exist on different levels. On the surface, adoption is about the legal relationships. But I believe family connections exist on a spiritual level as well as biological, emotional, and legal. I believe adoption forges spiritual as well as legal and emotional kinship, but doesn't necessarily sever spiritual connections to biological relatives. This also ties in with the draw to ancestors and ancestral cultures discussed on that other thread.

 

He would definitely agree with this.  

[KrissiK]

Fortunately, he just seems fascinated and curious most of the time. Now and then he seems to feel sorry for me, which is kind of sweet. He sort of thinks I've been 'duped' into believing my family is my family.

My boys are more like this. My oldest daughter.... it's rough with her because there are some deep emotional things going on with her regarding her adoption -rejection, insecurity stuff. It's tough and she rages against me all the time. It's very painful as she desperately pulls me close and then screams at me in anger. I know these are stages she needs to go through, and it's normal. We talk about it as much as we can. And I just pray that I can be granite for her - strong, unyielding, permanent -so she can rage all she wants and I'll be strong for her. I know we can get through this, and I'm glad she's dealing with it young and openly.

[Mommyfaithe]

See, he is not similar in temperament or appearance to his 'adoptive' cousins. He notices that. He notices how I don't 'fit' with my family in looks or temperament. He wonders what the 'real' family is like.

 

Were you glad to have contacted your bio family? How did you go about it? What a can of worms! I just can't imagine...

It was a fluke actually. I had just lost my mom ( adopted) and was in a state of PTSD...long story. Anyway, dh and I were home and he was fiddling on google and somehow matched a name with one on my adoption papers. I did not know he was poking around until he called me and said...look at this. It was history from there. Long story short, the person he contacting was married to my bio mom when my adoption was finalized. He knew about me but never told anyone. My 1/2 brother was also abandoned a few months after my adoption was finalized. Anyway, he graciously admitted it was time for the truth to come out. He called his son and told him about me...then he put us in contact with bio mom and bio sisters. We all had a cry fest by conference call and then planned a week where we coud all meet and spend time together.

 

My bio mom is a very sweet soul who has had a very hard life. She suffers from mental illness and so do my siblings. She also has physical issues which have helped me to at least have a medical history.

 

I am really happy to have met my bio family. It is a connection I needed to understand so I could understand myself better. My sisters are my love! I am an oldest sister!!! Serious. How cool is that???

 

Anyway, for the most part, my family just expanded. No be was replaced or pushed aside. We all have enough room in our hearts for each other.

[msjones]

It was a fluke actually. I had just lost my mom ( adopted) and was in a state of PTSD...long story. Anyway, dh and I were home and he was fiddling on google and somehow matched a name with one on my adoption papers. I did not know he was poking around until he called me and said...look at this. It was history from there. Long story short, the person he contacting was married to my bio mom when my adoption was finalized. He knew about me but never told anyone. My 1/2 brother was also abandoned a few months after my adoption was finalized. Anyway, he graciously admitted it was time for the truth to come out. He called his son and told him about me...then he put us in contact with bio mom and bio sisters. We all had a cry fest by conference call and then planned a week where we coud all meet and spend time together.

 

My bio mom is a very sweet soul who has had a very hard life. She suffers from mental illness and so do my siblings. She also has physical issues which have helped me to at least have a medical history.

 

I am really happy to have met my bio family. It is a connection I needed to understand so I could understand myself better. My sisters are my love! I am an oldest sister!!! Serious. How cool is that???

 

Anyway, for the most part, my family just expanded. No be was replaced or pushed aside. We all have enough room in our hearts for each other.

 

Part of me would like to find my bio family, especially now that my son is so interested.  But, easier said than done.  My adoption records are sealed.  Plus, I think it would break my mom's heart.

[Mommyfaithe]

Part of me would like to find my bio family, especially now that my son is so interested. But, easier said than done. My adoption records are sealed. Plus, I think it would break my mom's heart.

My papers were sealed as well....however some maroon happened to write my bio-moms name on my papers...then crossed it off with a bic pen. Lol! Everyone now knows if you photocopy a paper with words crossed off in pen, the words come through...that is how we found a name. We weren't sure who it was. That all came out later.

 

My adopted mom really wanted me to find my bio family. She was always curious about the unknown. She would have loved to meet her and my bio sisters. My mom was just like that.

[Pamela H in Texas]

msjones, there is an adoption family tree with roots and branches so you can go both ways.  I have a copy on my blog.  This is just a picture to base it off of, I think.