Luckymama Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Oh I am so sorry :grouphug: Watching my mother die (she didn't have breathing issues though) was one of the hardest experiences of my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Many hugs... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houseofkids&pets Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I'm so sorry. Prayers for you and your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrookValley. Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Hugs, Q. I'm so sorry, but glad you went/may go again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilaclady Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I'm sorry about your mom :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne115 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I am so sorry. It is so hard! Suzanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. Are they giving her morphine? When my mom was on the ventilator it was the drug of choice to help with "air hunger" and the anxiety associated with that. Not yet. It will sedate her more than she wants to be at this point. She still has three more kids that need to get there to see her. They do have her on Ativan for the anxiety, and it helps some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzybluecheese Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I'm so, so sorry. Take care of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 It is awful to watch a loved one die like that. BTDT. Has anyone approached the family about hospice care? Hospice will care, not only for your mom, but also for your dad and sibs. Also, they can talk about what to expect in the dying process that may help your dad feel less anxious. Many hospice organizations have lots of volunteers that can come sit with your mom and dad. Give them both comfort care and just being a calm presence. And, I can't say enough good things about hospice nurses & social workers. They are wonderful. Saying this as someone who used hospice for my mom and also a hospice volunteer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I am so sorry. (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 hugs. hospice was fabulous for dfil.... and for us, too. i am so very glad you went. :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 It is awful to watch a loved one die like that. BTDT. Has anyone approached the family about hospice care? Hospice will care, not only for your mom, but also for your dad and sibs. Also, they can talk about what to expect in the dying process that may help your dad feel less anxious. Many hospice organizations have lots of volunteers that can come sit with your mom and dad. Give them both comfort care and just being a calm presence. And, I can't say enough good things about hospice nurses & social workers. They are wonderful. Saying this as someone who used hospice for my mom and also a hospice volunteer. We haven't called in hospice yet. There is a lot of family still coming in, and my dad is sort of freaking out even about that because my mom gets excited and happy everytime someone is there, but it also works her up and makes the breathing even harder. He understands that we need to be there, but he also is fiercly protective of her and is trying to closely control who is in and out. The point being....I think that as long as all of us are in and out, he isn't ready for hospice (for mom, or for himself). The good news is that the two of them have talked about end of life care and wishes ad nauseum, so it isn't like it hasn't come up at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 My goodness. Big tender hugs. I'm so glad you went. Please go as often as you are able. The memories of being with her in her last days will give you much comfort later. More hugs. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeacherZee Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 :grouphug: Some very unsolicited advice from someone who has watched her mother nurse 4 family members through to the end in her own home....unfortunately also in a very dysfunctional family. Just remember that your dad is just being himself. He isn't the mom. He likely isn't concerned about who should get called and when, I am guessing that this was always your mother's role in the marriage. Especially if he is a man who expects to be taken care of by the wife, he is likely at a loss on how to even function with her in the hospital. Don't expect him to try to fill that role, he is overwhelmed filling his own role right now of being a spouse. MY outside opinion just based on why my hunch is....The thought of having to take care of any other guests, is too overwhelming. In his opinion, it is better for him, if you are not around because this way he only has to think about himself and his needs, not anyone else. Especially, if there is family discord. That even adds more stress to him. He probably can't imagine life without her there to take care of him, so he isn't refusing to see the situation, just likely just can't imagine the burden of caring for himself, so it is better to not imagine. Since she has been in this situation before he likely prefers to just deal with the advice of doctors and nurses, not the differing opinions of all he family members, plus the doctors, plus anyone else on Facebook. That would be my guess on why he wants some privacy during this. Things are likely calm and less complicated without the family there. You may feel like the family needs to gather around and offer love and support...to him, that love and support may not feel as warm and fuzzy as it is intended. If he is not a 'warm and fuzzy person' it may feel physically uncomfortable to have people doting on him in way that he is not accustomed to. Go. Absolutely. But give him space. Offer support. Keep things civil above all else. No talking about what should have been done or who is not getting along. Just give him love and kindness. Spend time with your mom and make decisions day by day but allow him to lead. It is his wife and he has been down this road before. Keep family issues out of his ear shot! Ask what you can do for him, and follow through without judgement. Maybe he doesn't leave her side, maybe he only visits an hour a day. Let him be who he needs to be during this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Call Hospice sooner rather than later. They are fabulous with pain management and anxiety and they have dealt with every family situation you can imagine. Hugs to you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I'm so sorry. So sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I'm so very sorry about your mom. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I'm so sorry. :sad: :grouphug: Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 We haven't called in hospice yet. There is a lot of family still coming in, and my dad is sort of freaking out even about that because my mom gets excited and happy everytime someone is there, but it also works her up and makes the breathing even harder. He understands that we need to be there, but he also is fiercly protective of her and is trying to closely control who is in and out. The point being....I think that as long as all of us are in and out, he isn't ready for hospice (for mom, or for himself). The good news is that the two of them have talked about end of life care and wishes ad nauseum, so it isn't like it hasn't come up at all. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I hope he realizes that during this time your mother may need to see people and family may need to see her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. I hope he realizes that during this time your mother may need to see people and family may need to see her. He does. We were able to see her. His "job" right now, in his mind, is to do whatever he needs to protect her, and that includes kicking people out if he thinks she's getting too worked up. It's his right, and we respect it, but since we did what we said we would (which was to not spend too much time, to leave when he said it was time, etc), he feels much more comfortable letting us in basically whenever we want. We're just allowing him control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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