"The Odyssey" - Can you help me revise this?

[Hoot]

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[Jean in Newcastle]

He has a good start, but you are correct that it isn't enough.  

 

1st paragraph - good.  

2nd paragraph - what specific examples can you give of a weak Telemachus, other than him wishing for his father?  (also should't quotes have a citation of the page or paragraph number for reference?) 

3rd paragraph - this looks like the point where you see a change in Telemachus.  Good.

4th paragraph - I don't really see the point of this paragraph in proving your thesis.  Rewrite it to show attributes of bravery or decisiveness in Telemachus.  And don't use the phrase "pumped" (slang)!

5th paragraph - did he really take on the entire army alone?  

[Candid]

The Triumph of Telemachus

 

Many stories these days are about superheroes who protect innocent people and save humanity.  Homer's "The Odyssey" conveys a superhero theme in some quite different ways.  Although Odysseus is the main hero in "The Odyssey," his son, Telemachus, faces his own share of hardship and emerges bravely and confidently to help restore his father to his former glory.

 

I think his thesis is good, but this paragraph could stand to put a bit more and tell the read where Telemachus begins and where he ends.

 

 

While his father was still lost, Telemachus convinced himself that he was a weak little boy with no control over his mother's suitors.  "He could almost see his magnificent father, here... in the mind's eye -- if only he might drop from the clouds and drive these suitors all in a rout throughout the halls and regain his pride of place and rule his own domains!"  This in turn made him unable to fight the suitors by himself and gave him an edge right off the bat.  A doubtful Telemachus looks for some kind of sign from above for years, and after all those years, one finally does reach him.

 

This paragraph immediately cripples his good beginning. The sentence in bold, make no sense in terms of his theme. The first half begins fine but the ending makes me wonder if he knows what he is saying: to have an edge is to have an advantage. This is exactly what Telemachus does not have. 

 

Also the first sentence might say instead "While he thought his father was still lost," 

 

His quote supports his thesis but he does not not really show why it does. This Telemachus thinks his father could just defeat all the suitors single-handedly. At this point Telemachus is like a princess in a fairy tale waiting for his magnificent father to save him rather than participating in the saving. 

 

 

The goddess Athena comes to visit Telemachus.  She tells him of his father and sends him on a quest to King Nestor for information about Odysseus.  Before he leaves, however, he faces the suitors and condemns all of them.  "But I'll cry out to the everlasting gods in hopes that Zeus will pay you back with vengeance -- all of you destroyed in my house while I go scot-free myself!"  So Telemachus declared.  And they all bit their lips, amazed that the prince could speak with such daring.  He then departs for King Nestor and speaks with him.  When he returns, he is invigorated and a firm believer in his father's return.

 

 

First, the bolded sentence is superfluous, I'd cut it. Otherwise, I think this paragraph is good in showing how Athena's interventions serves to move Telemachus from whining to his first actions. It is possible that he could lightly edit it to show this more clearly. 

 

 

 

Odysseus returns disguised as a beggar and reveals his identity to Telemachus.  Telemachus is then even more pumped to fight the suitors.  Penelope suspects that the beggar is Odysseus and hosts an archery contest for all of the suitors.  They all fail, but when Odysseus steps up he nails a clean shot through the targets.  Telemachus and his father then turn on the suitors and slaughter every last one of them.  "The inspired Prince Telemachus heard his pleas and quickly said to his father close beside him, "Stop, don't cut him down!  This one's innocent!""  So, Telemachus has finally achieved his goal of ridding Odysseus's great halls of the unworthy suitors.

 

I think the part about Penelope suspecting the beggar is Odysseus might not be correct, but I'd have to go back and look. 

 

In this paragraph the supporting quote isn't very relative to what he is trying to show and he might want to find another. I'm pretty sure that battle scene must have one OR maybe the planning prior to it will have something. 

 

I also would not use the phrase "more pumped" in a literary analysis paper. 

 

 

Prince Telemachus changed dramatically over the entire span of the Odyssey.  He goes from being a frightened young boy to a man brave enough to take on an entire army alone.  Odysseus is the hero with which this story is concerned, however, many overlook the growth and triumph of his son, Telemachus.

 

Again this paragraph could be more filled out. It should reflect back to the introduction.

 

I also don't think he's really done anything to show the "many" in this phrase "many overlook the growth and triumph of his son, Telemachus" So I would suggest altering that sentence to not include supposed missing of Telemachus by readers. 

[Hoot]

Thanks so much Jean and Candid.  I just went over the paper with DS and showed him your comments.  He agreed with much of what you both had to say though there were a few choices that he gave a good defense for.  I told him that if he had to explain some of his choices (particularly the quotes), then that needed to be included in the paper itself. 

 

Also, he asked me to clarify an error on my part with the following comment.  Apparently, the bolded sentence that didn't make sense was because I mis-typed "gave HIM an edge" instead of "gave THEM an edge."  He was trying to say that Telemachus' fear gave the suitors an edge.  That was my mistake and he wanted to clear it up.  :tongue_smilie:

 

 

This paragraph immediately cripples his good beginning.

This in turn made him unable to fight the suitors by himself and gave him an edge right off the bat.

The sentence in bold, make no sense in terms of his theme. The first half begins fine but the ending makes me wonder if he knows what he is saying: to have an edge is to have an advantage. This is exactly what Telemachus does not have. 

 

 

[Candid]

Thanks so much Jean and Candid.  I just went over the paper with DS and showed him your comments.  He agreed with much of what you both had to say though there were a few choices that he gave a good defense for.  I told him that if he had to explain some of his choices (particularly the quotes), then that needed to be included in the paper itself. 

 

Also, he asked me to clarify an error on my part with the following comment.  Apparently, the bolded sentence that didn't make sense was because I mis-typed "gave HIM an edge" instead of "gave THEM an edge."  He was trying to say that Telemachus' fear gave the suitors an edge.  That was my mistake and he wanted to clear it up.  :tongue_smilie:

 

I think you've nailed it in regards to the quotes and explaining in the paper.

 

The second paragraph tells me he didn't give you the paper in an easily copied and pasted format, I'd make him do that. (This is what you get when you try to blame your mom on a home school forum inhabited mostly by other home school moms.)

[Hoot]

I think you've nailed it in regards to the quotes and explaining in the paper.

 

The second paragraph tells me he didn't give you the paper in an easily copied and pasted format, I'd make him do that. (This is what you get when you try to blame your mom on a home school forum inhabited mostly by other home school moms.)

 

Actually, his paper was typed, printed, and all that good stuff.  He did email it to me before printing but I went ahead and deleted it before posting here.  Our desktop computer is off being fixed right now, which is where we usually store electronic copies of everything.  Typically, it would have been stored there and easily copied and pasted.  I'm trying not to waste space on the laptops with extra things which is why I deleted the email copy.  They'll be scanned into the desktop once we get it back though.