"Dear parents, you need to control your kids. Sincerely, non-parents"

[IHaveNoIdeawhatIAmDoing]

Did anyone post this yet? I thought this was really interesting. 

 

http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/09/15/dear-parents-you-need-to-control-your-kids-sincerely-non-parents/

[Robin M]

Awesome, Thanks for sharing.  

[Angie in VA]

Yeah, Katy posted it yesterday (I think). I like that blogger!

[Luanne]

I don't have so much of a problem if the child throwing the fit is under the age of 4.  I do wonder about parents who still have children throwing fits in the store at the age of 9.  I did see this.  The girl was in total meltdown because she couldn't get what she wanted.  Seriously .. a 9 year old who still throws fits in public?  I was embarrassed for the child.  The parent should have got her over this years ago.

[Guest inoubliable]

I saw that on Facebook earlier this week. 

 

There are definitely some people who could learn how to not be jerks. There are also some parents that could be reminded that there are some people out there that just don't like kids, too. I get that toddlers have tantrums, but my understanding of that doesn't extend to having magical powers of tuning it out. It grates on my nerves. I'd probably either roll my eyes and try to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

[sbgrace]

I've never heard of him and liked that post.

 

 

I don't have so much of a problem if the child throwing the fit is under the age of 4.  I do wonder about parents who still have children throwing fits in the store at the age of 9.  I did see this.  The girl was in total meltdown because she couldn't get what she wanted.  Seriously .. a 9 year old who still throws fits in public?  I was embarrassed for the child.  The parent should have got her over this years ago.

 Luanne, as a mom of a 9 year old with "invisible" special needs (high functioning autism among other stuff), I want to point out that said 9 year old may have issues you don't see or understand.

[klmama]

The same blog author talks about homeschooling in this post here:  http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/09/11/im-an-introvert-and-i-dont-need-to-come-out-of-my-shell/

[mommymilkies]

I like the article.  Sure kids throw fits sometimes, but I don't live in a geriatric ward, so I expect to see all sorts of ages and behavior when I leave my house.  I fully expect to see idiots, fits, and also acts of kindness.  The only time I'm bugged by it is when the parents are jerks.  The kind that are rude to waiters or leave messes behind or blow smoke in my kids' faces.  But judge a parent for a kid throwing a fit?  Man, I have so been there.  I'm not blaming them!  I have one with behavioral issues we're still trying to get diagnosed.  I've had to carry her out of a storm while I was mortified because this isn't something I taught her.  It's something she can't control.  It sucks.  

[OrganicAnn]

Awesome.   What I would want to say to the nonparent, but would never think fast enough.  

[houseofkids&pets]

I agree with mommymilkies and sbgrace.  My ds13 has autism and sometimes throws a fit and we can't even figure out the trigger. Some days are such a struggle; a struggle made worse by others judging my child and my parenting because they don't know what the situation is.  Not every disability is obvious by looking at someone's appearance.

 

I commented in the previous thread (that had posted this blog link) that I have been guilty of judging someone's parenting before I had children of my own.  Now I know from experience that you truly have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you know what they are dealing with. 

 

Sometimes, it may be a lousy parent, a spoiled kid, etc.  Other times, it may be a mom of a child with special needs who would appreciate some compassion.  If you can't offer compassion, then please just walk away.  Eye rolling and nasty comments don't help make things any better.

[IHaveNoIdeawhatIAmDoing]

Does anyone have the link to where this article was previously posted? I'd like to see the conversation, but I can't find it. 

 

Nevermind, found it.

[Dandelion]

Great article.

 

And as others have already said, there are so many reasons (many of them outside a parent's/child's control) why a child might be behaving "inappropriately".  Before having a child on the autism spectrum, I too was judgmental of other parents at times.  Thinking back on that now makes me cringe.  Raising DS these last 10 years has effectively cured me of that.  

 

When we pass a stranger in the store or on the street, we really don't know what that person/child is dealing with.  The best we can do is offer compassion, and in the absence of that, the next best thing is simply not to react at all.

[jelbe5]

I've never heard of him and liked that post.

 

 

Luanne, as a mom of a 9 year old with "invisible" special needs (high functioning autism among other stuff), I want to point out that said 9 year old may have issues you don't see or understand.

Thank you for saying this. I have a son with autism. He appears normal physically. However, if you spent a couple of minutes with him you would realize something is "not right".

 

We have had problems with meltdowns in public. While I have become a master at running interference, sometimes I don't anticipate a potential blow-up in time. It can be like walking through a minefield. We do our best, try to live as normal a life as possible, constantly work with and teach our son and give appropriate consequences when necessary.

 

I used to look at families where a child was out of control with contempt. Then I had my son. I am not trying to be mean or flame anyone - I am saying this in love. Please just keep in mind that you might not be aware or fully understand the entire situation. Thanks for letting me share.

[Orthodox6]

I've never heard of him and liked that post.

 

 

 Luanne, as a mom of a 9 year old with "invisible" special needs (high functioning autism among other stuff), I want to point out that said 9 year old may have issues you don't see or understand.

 

 

:iagree: I read the article this morning on a different blog (not the blog belonging to whoever that author is), and posted a response in line with yours. 

[bolt.]

I don't have so much of a problem if the child throwing the fit is under the age of 4.  I do wonder about parents who still have children throwing fits in the store at the age of 9.  I did see this.  The girl was in total meltdown because she couldn't get what she wanted.  Seriously .. a 9 year old who still throws fits in public?  I was embarrassed for the child.  The parent should have got her over this years ago.

 

My DD is next door to 9 and still has frequent tears and (muffled) wails over small issues -- though sometimes she is able to maintain composure in public. With her it is honest emotion, and I'd challenge anyone who thinks she is "throwing a fit" with any sort of intentionality. Her emotions (such as disappointment) run close to the surface, and she's not even 50% through childhood. She deserves some slack, I think -- even though I am not a terribly emotional person myself, and it has taken me a while to get used to her authenticity.

 

I wonder if someone other than me might have been successful in "getting her over this years ago" -- personally, I'm quite pleased with her steady progress in coping with these things. Unfortunately, hormones are just around the corner.

 

I'm not embarrassed that she has this personality, and it's not "special needs" in her case. I know plenty of men and women who are easily moved to tears (or prone to articulate rants) and no one shames them. It is valuable to have sensitive people in the world. My daughter, however, often says afterwards that it is quite embarrassing for her to be so overwhelmed and unable to escape the sense of "being seen" in that state. I think the extra added feeling of  embarrassment in the moment is a factor in her having trouble composing herself.

 

PS: She is also the kind of girl who is in grade 3 (we only afterschool right now) and is unashamed to run full-tilt to me across a crowded schoolyard, arms outstretched for a hug, shouting at the top of her lungs: "Mama! I love you!" -- as if I had been on another planet for a month. It's just the kind of person she is, and always will be. If that means it takes her a few extra years to learn to reliably stay composed through a grocery store disappointment... Well, every trait has pros and cons -- and it's not like we get to choose them in advance. We get the kids we get.

[Pod's mum]

Yep, I also had a melt-down kid.

You learn to deal with them under the cone-of-invisibility. You just deal with them and cut out the others around you, because trying to take in to account your embarrassment or trying not to offend others just does not work.

Thankfully we had exceptional people around us as support very often (if we were out of the house).

(I guess in retrospect, if they were not exceptional they would not have coped with us as friends. We've been very lucky.)

I remember one of her first public biggies as a pre-schooler/ toddler, one of our playgroup friends said afterwards that they were just interested in seeing when her head would start spinning around.

They continued all her life. We learned to either stand back and let it burn out, or push her outside and lock the door until she burned out. Any form of negotiation or interaction was futile.

 

However bratty, "Give me what I want or I'll throw a tanty", behaviour I have no patience with and my kids are fine with that and learned early that it does not work.

As if I would want to reward and encourage tantrums!

[MomatHWTK]

You know, when my child can't hold it together in public, it is upsetting.  We have certain ideas of how things should go and even I am still influenced by what others think.

 

  If someone wants to be embarrassed for me though, they should really be embarrassed that I think for one moment about anyone else when my child is suffering through a meltdown.  I should be ashamed to care one bit about anything other than giving him the emotional support that he needs.  But, because I know there are people watching who are judging him and me, I often become irritable and short with him instead.  The poor kid can't get a break.

 

I hope I continue to get better at blocking out the whole world and focussing on the one who truly matters- the child that God has placed in my care.  In my heart I know people will think themselves wise yet prove to be fools, but in the heat of the moment it is hard not to want to protect my child from the judgment of others. 

[Amy in NH]

I understand small children and those with special needs can't always keep it together when out in public.  However, if your small child is disrupting a presentation or movie at a public place to which you have brought them, you (the parents) should really remove the child to deal with the issue, not stay and let your child either a)meltdown and disrupt everyone else's enjoyment of the presentation, or b)let the small child out of the stroller/lap/etc to avoid the tantrum thereby letting them run and climb around the place disrupting everyone else's enjoyment of the presentation.  I removed my kids in such a situation, I wish others would do the same.  It's only considerate to other people with and without children.  (Recent issue/Rant over)

 

 

[Mothersweets]

Great article, thanks for posting this!

[mommymilkies]

Amy, I agree. If it's a paying event or something requiring quiet (museum, etc) I always take mine out or don't take them at all. It sucks, but it's the polite thing in that case.

[Soror]

That was great. I don't personally have a child w/ special needs and it is rare for my kids to have a fit in public but whenever I see a kid throwing a fit my general feeling is empathy, not hatred, and I'm always glad that it isn't mine :) More often than not children throwing a fit are tired, hungry or overstimulated- I get grumpy sometimes as well.

[Χά�ων]

I don't have so much of a problem if the child throwing the fit is under the age of 4.  I do wonder about parents who still have children throwing fits in the store at the age of 9.  I did see this.  The girl was in total meltdown because she couldn't get what she wanted.  Seriously .. a 9 year old who still throws fits in public?  I was embarrassed for the child.  The parent should have got her over this years ago.

Invisible disabilities has been mentioned but I wanted to throw out another consideration. That the 9 year old may not actually be 9. 

 

My DS is HUGE for his age. When he was 7 there was a lot of friction at the sports center we used because they expected him to behave and handle expectations that were placed on 12 year olds. Granted the vast majority of the 12 year olds there were the same height and build as DS was at 7, but that does not change the fact that DS was only 7. It caused a lot of tension and DS was stressed out by the unreasonable expectations. I ended up having to move to a different facility. When I walked in I introduced him as "my 7 year old son" and repeatedly referred to him as "my 7 year old" to drive home the point that he was 7. They also divided the kids up by age instead of having mixed aged groups and that seemed to help a lot as well.

[JumpyTheFrog]

 

I had an older guy complain to me recently about babies that cry during church. He said: “Back when our children were babies, you didn’t have this problem.†Interesting. Apparently babies didn’t cry in the 50′s. The whole “crying baby†thing is a new fad, it would seem. These folks who had kids a long time ago seem to have a rather selective memory when it comes to their own days of parenting young kids.

 

....

 

But, sure, congratulations for not letting your kids use things that didn’t exist. On that note, I have a strict “no time machines or hover-boards†policy in my home. It is stringently enforced. I’m thinking of writing a parenting book: “How to Stop Your Child From Becoming Dependent Upon Technology That Isn’t Invented Yetâ€

 

 

I, too, have a strict no-hoover boards in the house policy. I might, however, allow them in the garage.

 

As far as babies not crying in the 1950s, well, maybe they were too worn out from crawling uphill (both ways!) in the snow in July to get their toy rattle.