Frustrated with husband's college-like additude

[EricaB]

Thank you to those that read and interpreted through my original emotional post that I have since deleted. Your grace and suggestions were greatly appreciated.

[Spy Car]

To me it sounds like you have a wonderful husband, a bright and inquisitive child, and you are a tuned-in and really cool mom. Not problems here.

 

You are blessed!

 

Bill

[BusyMum]

It also sounds like you are doing what my husband and I do - we argue for ages only to find at the end of it that we ultimately are saying the same thing but in different ways.

 

You are saying that you want your son to be introduced to new material each day. And he is saying that he thinks he should be allowed to obsess over loved books. These are NOT mutually exclusive! You both agree that books are important and that you want your son to have a great love for them.

 

Have you asked your husband what his thoughts are on introducing new materials? You may find that he has no entrenched objection to your policy but he just wishes to make it clear that the loved books also have a place.

 

My husband often accepts a point that I make and then moves on to a caveat without verbally acknowledging the point - which means that all I get is the caveat making me feel that he is disagreeing with me. And in the meantime he is wondering why I am getting upset and continuing the hammer the point! LOL!

[Brindee]

Do you have times when you read to him as well? If so, maybe you can do the new books and dh could do the loved books. I definitely think there's a place for both! I wouldn't push him HAVING to do things he's not interested in at this age. I mean some sure, but 2 new ones every day could become a bit overwhelming, even for a child that loves reading, imho!

 

Right now he can have lots of fun with what he especially likes, then you can introduce new things sometimes too to broaden his horizons. He has lots of years left to be on a schedule and "do school". I'm always reluctant pushing MY agenda on a little one. At this age you want to keep it fun. And it sounds like you are trying to do that. I'm just not seeing the big problem (I agree with what BusyMom said), cuz you're both very interested in the welfare and learning of your son!

 

Best wishes!

[abbeyej]

I'm honestly confused about what it is you're annoyed with your husband about...? Let him read whatever he wants during his read-aloud time with his son. You don't need to dictate that. If you want your son reading something new each day, do it during *your* read-aloud time. And two books a day might be a little much. Some days it's fine, some days it's not. But either way, it sounds like you're providing him with rich reading material and good breadth.

 

Your husband is just excited. Maybe your son would be considered "gifted" and maybe not. At home it doesn't matter so much. And gifted kids are all different anyway, and they change over time as well. Sometimes they need breadth, adding tons of material each day, discovering new things. And sometimes they need to really delve deep into a single subject, exploring all they can. So you're both right. :)

 

But try to let each other parent the way you see fit. Your desires for your son are not mutually exclusive, and often we parents do a great job of balancing each other! Let that happen!

 

You're both teachers. You both love your son. Sounds like you both have strong opinions. But that can work *for* you if you let it! :)

[WTMindy]

How great that you are both passionate about reading to your child!! My dh is also very involved and it is a wonderful problem....even when it kinda bugs you. ;) Seriously, I agree with the others that you should let dh read whatever he wants and you can introduce new things. For my dh and I it seems to have divided up that I read fun fiction books to the kids (separate from any school reading that I do) and he reads biographies/histories/etc. Because these are the things we both find interesting. When we go to a museum, dh loves to show the scienc-y type things and I like to show them other things. Try not to think of this as a competition with who knows more about kids, but be excited about the fact that you are both excited about his learning.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I have a gifted child. If you suspect your child could be gifted, I do suggest doing some research. Raising a gifted child is much different than raising a typical child.

 

Most teachers in rich private schools or any other schools have no idea what to do with a child like mine, and following their training could actually be emotionally and academically harmful.

 

I have studied Early Childhood education and it helped me not one iota with my gifted child.

 

I suggest visiting http://www.hoagiesgifted.org as a good starting point.

 

Reading the same books over and over is in part how my dd learned to read as a toddler. I think it is a worthwhile activity. Of course, it is always good to read new books too.

[Amy in Orlando]

I'm honestly confused about what it is you're annoyed with your husband about...? Let him read whatever he wants during his read-aloud time with his son. You don't need to dictate that. If you want your son reading something new each day, do it during *your* read-aloud time. And two books a day might be a little much. Some days it's fine, some days it's not. But either way, it sounds like you're providing him with rich reading material and good breadth.

 

Your husband is just excited. Maybe your son would be considered "gifted" and maybe not. At home it doesn't matter so much. And gifted kids are all different anyway, and they change over time as well. Sometimes they need breadth, adding tons of material each day, discovering new things. And sometimes they need to really delve deep into a single subject, exploring all they can. So you're both right. :)

 

But try to let each other parent the way you see fit. Your desires for your son are not mutually exclusive, and often we parents do a great job of balancing each other! Let that happen!

 

You're both teachers. You both love your son. Sounds like you both have strong opinions. But that can work *for* you if you let it! :)

 

:iagree: Abbey is right here!

 

My own two cents, "gifted" is the most overused word in education (no matter where you have your kids educated). Your child is very young. I've not doubt he's advanced, but advanced at 4 1/2 does not translate to advanced at 12 or 14 or any age.

 

It sounds to me like you and dh have different, but not terribly conflicting approaches and that's fine. Just try to stay out of each other's way. Let your son set the pace. Try not to focus so much on giftedness for a couple of years.

 

Keep talking to each other and try to remember the focus is your child, not who has the most expertise.

 

:grouphug:

[Amy in Orlando]

I have a gifted child. If you suspect your child could be gifted, I do suggest doing some research. Raising a gifted child is much different than raising a typical child.

 

Most teachers in rich private schools or any other schools have no idea what to do with a child like mine, and following their training could actually be emotionally and academically harmful.

 

I have studied Early Childhood education and it helped me not one iota with my gifted child.

 

I suggest visiting http://www.hoagiesgifted.org as a good starting point.

 

Reading the same books over and over is in part how my dd learned to read as a toddler. I think it is a worthwhile activity. Of course, it is always good to read new books too.

 

Just to note that Jedi and I posted at the same time. I"m not shunning the idea of a gifted child at all. You have to know your own kids. I have one gifted child here and it's a challenge. BUT ... when we are at scouts or tae kwon do or anywhere, I'd venture that 80% of the parents I talk to have "gifted" children. That just doesn't make sense.

 

Anyway, my post was not in response to Jedi nor was it meant as a slight.

[BusyMum]

I say this tongue in cheek but just remember that your husband's day will come! Right now you are the one with the experience in teaching children your son's age. Be generous to your husband! One day your son will be preparing for college, a stage that your husband has all the experience in, and you will still want to have a strong say in how his education is conducted! :tongue_smilie:

[Kate CA]

I'm honestly confused about what it is you're annoyed with your husband about...? Let him read whatever he wants during his read-aloud time with his son. You don't need to dictate that. If you want your son reading something new each day, do it during *your* read-aloud time. And two books a day might be a little much. Some days it's fine, some days it's not. But either way, it sounds like you're providing him with rich reading material and good breadth. (...)

 

Abbey has some great wisdom here! I don't really think it is fair for you to dictate to your dh the manner in which he interacts with his own child. I think this oversteps your place as mom and teacher. He is dad and teacher too. How would it feel if your dh was doing the same to you? That is something that helps me figure out whether I am overstepping somewhere - what would I feel like if dh did this to me?

 

You're both teachers. You both love your son. Sounds like you both have strong opinions. But that can work *for* you if you let it! :)

 

Absolutely correct!

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

Kids, gifted and otherwise, often focus on one or a few books in preference to others. It is my understanding this is perfectly normal. The repetition is actually helping them learn. Continue to add new books but don't take away the favorites. In the meantime be glad your husband has the time and desire to read to your kids. The fact that he reads to them and, it seems, lets them chose what stories are read is far more important than which books they choose. I would focus on the greater conversation of your husband becoming part of your homeschool plan and curriculum choices. To be on board with what choices you are making and why. Frankly, I don't see this as an either or choice between your philosophies, there is a middle ground you need to find.

[Parrothead]

Kids, gifted and otherwise, often focus on one or a few books in preference to others. It is my understanding this is perfectly normal. The repetition is actually helping them learn. Continue to add new books but don't take away the favorites. In the meantime be glad your husband has the time and desire to read to your kids. The fact that he reads to them and, it seems, lets them chose what stories are read is far more important than which books they choose. I would focus on the greater conversation of your husband becoming part of your homeschool plan and curriculum choices. To be on board with what choices you are making and why. Frankly, I don't see this as an either or choice between your philosophies, there is a middle ground you need to find.

:iagree:

[Danestress]

I thought "Oh dear, it's one of those "I want to party with my frat-brothers even though I am 35 and need a job" type posts. I'm glad that's not the problems!

 

It sounds like you have a great husband.

 

And frankly, it sounds like you are sort of being a 'challenging' wife. I can't imagine telling my husband that the "rule" is that he has to read certain books. I would just entirely back off of what DH reads to DS. I don't think your husband should have to justify why he lets DS read the same things over and over, and I don't think you have to justify why, during YOUR reading time, you choose to introduce some new books. Both approaches are fine and in my mind, this isn't really about gifted or average. Four year olds like reading the same things over and over. And benefit from new things.

 

Again, I am still not quite sure where my husband is coming from in all of this when he is encouraging me to do research on "gifted" children. Like he would know anyway. That sounds harsh, but it is really how I feel after I have spent several years teaching K-12 in a rich private school, and then several more years teaching in a multi-handicapped/deaf/blind school, I am a bit frustrated.

 

 

 

If a teacher took this attitude with me as a parent, I would withdraw my child from that school the very next day.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Just to note that Jedi and I posted at the same time. I"m not shunning the idea of a gifted child at all. You have to know your own kids. I have one gifted child here and it's a challenge. BUT ... when we are at scouts or tae kwon do or anywhere, I'd venture that 80% of the parents I talk to have "gifted" children. That just doesn't make sense.

 

Anyway, my post was not in response to Jedi nor was it meant as a slight.

 

I TOTALLY understand, and parents like this give parents like me a bad name. I hear it too- "Little Johnny is reading at age 4! He is SO gifted!" :rolleyes:

 

This attitude comes from the public schools and the way they run their gifted programs IMHO. Gifted= smart, being a good student. The kid in the back who zones out, gets all D's, and probably has an IQ close to 150 will never be selected for the gifted program (which mostly consists of fun projects that all kids could do), whereas well-behaved, straight A Jenny with an IQ of 125 is a shoe in for the program.

 

My own two cents, "gifted" is the most overused word in education (no matter where you have your kids educated). Your child is very young. I've not doubt he's advanced, but advanced at 4 1/2 does not translate to advanced at 12 or 14 or any age.

 

True, an advanced child can level out easily, but a gifted child is always gifted- for life. That doesn't mean the kid is going to grow up to have a great job and make lots of money, or even get good grades in school.

[EricaB]

nt

[EricaB]

nt

[bkpan]

Hmm, it seems a little has been lost in translation throughout this post. I was in a bit of a mommy mood last night, so maybe I didn't give enough non-emotional information.

 

I agree with much that has been said here, but I want to clarify that it was DH was used the term "gifted". I also agree that at age 4, this is not the time to even discuss the issue, but I will take a look at the site mentioned since I do want to be informed with how to help my kiddos if necessary.

 

A lot of variable have been mentioned here that I think I was too upset to elaborate on at the time. My DH is involved in curriculum choices as much as he desires. Mostly, he like me to pick and then be told about them. He will be the first to say that he really doesn't know what to do with toddlers and preschoolers, but does a GREAT job when given a to-do list. Hence, guiding him on different aspect of the curriculum. I have started buying the TM's and this has helped him ALOT as well as me since I am not "dictating" to him. He always reminds me that he needs a list and the TM's take on that form for him, especially when he is teaching both kiddos at the same time. I don't really feel like this was the reason for my post, but useful information when trying to figure out what is going on in our home.

 

That said, my DH frequently will ask for up-dates since the DC can change daily. This is what brought me to the "new book" idea. Our best time together, both individually as parents, and as a family, has been book time. I just wanted one or two new short stories read each day. Again, I think this got lost in translation throughout the post, but I never dictated as to what that was going to be. I think I almost reached my limit at the library this week, so there was lots to choose from. I think I was miss understood and I see where that happened with the mood that I was in last night.

 

Does that help? Still listening and thanks for the link. I will check it out.

 

Erica

 

I'm sorry if I am still missing it, Erica, but what I was "hearing" from most of the posts was to be careful in micromanaging your dh's interactions with your ds. If you want to introduce new books, great(!), do it! But if your dh wants to just reread the same books to your ds, then great(!), let him do that!

 

As others have said, it sounds as if you and your dh are going to the same place, you just need to give him the space to do it his way. HTH!

 

Kim

[abbeyej]

Honestly, no, Erica. I understood all that from your first post and still stand by my original response.

 

Your dh doesn't need you telling him "read two new books a day". Leave the pile there, and let your dh and son select what *they* want to read during *Daddy's* read-aloud time. You've given them a fabulous selection of books to choose from -- whether they read an old favorite three times through or five new books or anything else, really just doesn't matter. Any of those experiences will build relationship between them and strengthen your son's mind.

 

I also understood that it was your husband who used the word "gifted". I don't think it will hurt you to read about teaching "gifted kids", but I also don't think it will help much. I think it can make a big difference if you need to advocate for your gifted child in a classroom, but if you're simply teaching a child at home and trying to provide materials and experiences that thrill and stretch him, it doesn't matter that much. Whether you have a child who is "ahead" or "behind", who learns with lightning speed or who needs endless repetition and patience, who is dying to go further and deeper all the time or who is content to go with the flow... No matter, you want to push just a little all the time, expose them to material that challenges them a very little and delights them a lot. How much that is and what it means can vary *wildly*, but when you're teaching at home, it just doesn't create the same type of challenges to give a gifted child what s/he needs as it does in a classroom where that endless flexibility doesn't exist.

 

But still, if your dh would like you to read up on "gifted" education, it won't hurt. If you think it's unnecessary, you could suggest that he do the research and pass on any articles he finds particularly helpful.

 

I think many of us are just trying to tell you to relax and let your dh parent your son. I too am married to a university professor. I have two children who would be called "gifted" if they were in the schools (and for whom I would have to advocate a lot to achieve appropriate differentiation)... But I think you're creating conflict where none needs exist.

 

You and your dh want the best for your son. You're trying to provide him with every opportunity for breadth and depth and delight. You have slightly different approaches. That's *good* for him -- children (typically) have two parents for a reason. We balance each other, we give them different perspectives on themselves, on the world... Allow each other to be individuals, and don't try to dictate to each other what good parenting or good teaching means. (Obviously there are *some* cases when a parent does *not* have a child's best interest in mind -- but that's clearly not the case here...)

[Scarlett]

I thought "Oh dear, it's one of those "I want to party with my frat-brothers even though I am 35 and need a job" type posts. I'm glad that's not the problems!

 

Me too. Hee hee....:lol:

[angela in ohio]

I have a gifted child. If you suspect your child could be gifted, I do suggest doing some research. Raising a gifted child is much different than raising a typical child.

 

Most teachers in rich private schools or any other schools have no idea what to do with a child like mine, and following their training could actually be emotionally and academically harmful.

 

I agree. Gifted doesn't simply mean a child learns the same, but faster. It is a whole different way of thinking, with both advantages and (more importantly) challenges. There are certainly things to know as both the parent and (as a homeschooler) the teacher of a truly gifted child. Most teacher training will not help in this area. Your dh's experience probably better enables him to understand your son's mind, if indeed he is gifted. Dh does understand, it sounds like, the gifted child's need to obsess on one topic, and it sounds like he is helping ds with this. That's great!! One of the struggles of giftedness is the feeling of not being understood or being different, and your ds, if gifted, may not have to face that as much with a supportive dad like that. Anyway, do start researching giftedness. The younger you understand your ds' world, if he is gifted, the better.

 

I wouldn't treat every book read as school time, to be planned and scheduled. I would let dh read whatever he and ds want, as others have said. You can do your planned things when you want, although personally I would set aside the idea of "early childhood education" and just focus on family learning for now. For example, I can't imagine what your dh would need a TM for to teach a 2 and 4 yo?

 

Gently: I understand that you feel misunderstood. It's just that your posts honestly revealed a lot of other things than the issue you intended, and moms with more experience lovingly want to spare you from *possibly* squashing the confidence to father in dh and not addressing the needs of your individual ds (who may or may not follow the pattern you expect.)

[nmoira]

 

I also understood that it was your husband who used the word "gifted". I don't think it will hurt you to read about teaching "gifted kids", but I also don't think it will help much.

But you never know. :) Reading about perfectionism and sensitivities that are often associated with giftedness has helped me tremendously in understanding my my oldest (and to a shocking degree, myself).

[Jen500]

But you never know. :) Reading about perfectionism and sensitivities that are often associated with giftedness has helped me tremendously in understanding my my oldest (and to a shocking degree, myself).

This was the case for us, too.

[EricaB]

nt

[Retired]

traditional school through 5 th grade. The type books assigned were grade level. He refused to read them, he said they were stupid. This caused trouble each year until I brought the books he read at home to the teacher. He would read adult/college level military books, encyclopedias and dictionaries. These were the books he chose. I would have never chose these type of books for him. He had such a thirst for knowledge. We call him our professor. He has so much knowledge in his brain. He was so past the other kids his age. The teachers ask him to learn to use less complicated words so that his classmates could understand him. This same thing happens with adults also.

The whole point to this he continues to obsess over a subject until he absolutely knows every thing he can about the subject. This usually last about 9 months to a year per area. He still completed the traditional required learning. The balance can be hard. I would allow your husband who obviously was like this a young child, to guide the intense interest stuff that your child needs. I wouldn't worry so much about having specific things covered at age of 5. This child will learn so much more than you could ever teach if allowed to follow his intense interest. I am so floored by what my son has learned totally on his own.

[Colleen]

I thought "Oh dear, it's one of those "I want to party with my frat-brothers even though I am 35 and need a job" type posts.

 

Same here. Imagine my surprise when I instead read a post about a father who's intimately involved with his son's education and being described as having a "college-like attitude". I have no idea what that description refers to or how it fits into this.

 

And frankly, it sounds like you are sort of being a 'challenging' wife. I can't imagine telling my husband that the "rule" is that he has to read certain books. I would just entirely back off of what DH reads to DS. I don't think your husband should have to justify why he lets DS read the same things over and over, and I don't think you have to justify why, during YOUR reading time, you choose to introduce some new books. Both approaches are fine and in my mind, this isn't really about gifted or average. Four year olds like reading the same things over and over. And benefit from new things.

 

Yes, well said. It's condescending, Erica, to tell your husband that he needs to be introducing one new book when reading with your son. It's also not of great importance, as your son will undoubtedly get exposed to plenty of new things in the course of childhood without having his book selections micromanaged at this stage.

 

It sounds to me as if you're playing a game of one-upsmanship with one another. If you're going to continue educating your children together, you'll need to stop competing and work together, respecting each other's opinions in the process and reaching compromises as needed.