Not Free Range but Starting to Give More Freedom...

[JumpyTheFrog]

A few weeks ago in another thread (I can't remember which one) Regentrude listed a bunch of freedoms 4 year olds are given in Germany but not in the US. In that thread, I commented that I needed to rethink how much freedom I give Tigger and Little Guy (7 and 4). I'm here to give an update. Since that post, we have changed the following:

 

-I no longer stay at Tigger's gymnastics practice (2-3 hours) unless I want to. I have dropped him off and come back to pick him up at the end several times.

 

-We let Tigger go to a day camp at gymnastics for a week.

 

-Since we live on a cul-de-sac with just a few houses in the back of a quiet neighborhood, we started letting the boys play out front by themselves. Previously they could only go out front if I was outside, which wasn't very much. Now they get to go outside for at least an hour most days.

 

-I let them go inside the neighbor's house without me while they waited for their daughter to finish her after-school snack so she could come out and play.

 

-We have started letting Little Guy (4) use a steak knife as long as we are in the kitchen with him.

 

-If we ever get to church early enough for Sunday School, we will let them attend.

 

I'm not ready to let Tigger ride his bike on other streets yet, but I think I might let him go over one more street in another month or two, as long as he continues to follow my rules when playing outside without me.

 

What changes have some of you made to move closer to being free-range/less helicopterish?

[Mommyfaithe]

Well, I just let my 19 year old load his convertible up with some guffawing siblings and ride into town to the pet store ( about 20 minutes away). They are 15,11 & 9. I never would have done that with the olders.

 

I also allowed my 15 and 11 year olds to ride over to the rec. park and spend the afternoons swimming almost every day this summer. They had a blast. Many days I drove the 9 yo over and dd kept an eye on him too. They are all very good swimmers....and the rec. park is small where we know everyone. It was great for us! We all needed a break from each other this summer.

 

I am becoming much more free range in my old age! My olders had lots of contained freedom....meaning, they could explore the woods and surrounding areas of our home, but I did not let them bike ride into town or go to the park themselves until they could DRIVE...LOL.

[SKL]

I'm pretty free range by today's standards anyway.  One thing I had been slow to do was let the girls (age 6) bathe themselves (including washing their long hair).  About a month ago I started letting them take a shower with far less assistance than before.  Miss A is completely on her own except that I ration the soap.  ;)  Miss E just needs help applying the soap to her hair (which reaches her butt).  I do still comb the girls' hair, though Miss A thinks she does a fine job herself.  ;)

 

Also about a month ago, the girls were scheduled for a summer camp that didn't have a strict start time.  For that week I let them get up whenever they wanted, plan and make whatever breakfast they wanted (and clean up after it), and get ready at their leisure while I worked upstairs.  Then the summer camp had them playing in the woods, pool, gym, etc.  It was the closest thing they've had to my childhood summer vacation.  Of course they will never get all the experiences I had, because that would require living in a neighborhood where other parents let their kids run off with their peers every day.

 

My kids are allowed a fair amount of freedom given their age, but they have to get my express permission before they can leave the premises.  The farthest I've let them walk without an adult was 1 mile.

 

The thing that hampers this development the most is other people's fears (which some people will act on by calling the cops etc.).  Too bad parents can't decide when their kids are ready for things nowadays.

[milovany]

No comments of my own right now, but good for you!!

[milovany]

The thing that hampers this development the most is other people's fears ... too bad parents can't decide when their kids are ready for things nowadays.

I deal with that fear far more here at WTM than I ever have IRL, lol.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I let ds use power tools without me there!  I did tell him to call 9-1-1 if he cut anything off.  (He had plenty of training in how to use them and he is a careful person by nature.)

[strange_girl]

I'm with Wendy...my kids are just going to have to deal with me helicoptering.

 

Besides, mine are far too young to be unsupervised. At all.

[idnib]

I'm pretty free range and believe the statistics that children are safer now than before. The kids run around all over and I don't worry about it. They cross the smaller streets in our neighborhood and go to the local park alone. The neighborhood is bounded on one side by the park and on 3 sides by larger streets.

 

The one issue where I have trouble letting go is letting them cross the larger streets. There are so many cars where we live and lots of parallel-parked cars lining the streets and blocking the view. We also have a lot of people who gun their cars on yellow and are still not clear of the intersection when the light changes. Add to that the texters we didn't have in the 70s and the aggressive cyclists who don't feel the law applies to them and I truly don't feel it's safer for them than it was for me when I was young. Is it?

 

I've never even known someone who's known someone who's child was kidnapped, but I know so many people who's been hit by cars or bikes while walking or bike riding!

 

Anyone else able to get over this? Is it safer now than when we were kids to cross streets? I guess there are more arrows and lights, and maybe better signage. I'd love to get over this and have the kids be able to cross bigger streets and leave our neighborhood more. That would open up a new world to them, including going to the store, another park, and their martial arts class.

[Laura Corin]

Hobbes recently started taking the public bus into town on his own to meet friends and hang out.  I would have let him earlier, but he's a bit dippy and I was worried about the roads (rather than the bus).  He's been roaming free in the public-access woods for years.

 

Calvin is taking another long train trip this weekend - down to London and then on to Devon for a university open day.  He went to his first concert alone the other day: Amanda Palmer.

 

L

[JumpyTheFrog]

We live within walking distance of a park and several grocery stores but there is a lot of traffic near the stores, not enough sidewalks, plus some railroad tracks. My boys will have to be much older before we let them walk to those places. Getting hit by a car is a much more likely scenario than being abducted.

[SKL]

I let my kids cross side streets occasionally, but only after many reminders about how to do it safely.  One of my kids would be OK without the reminders, but the other one is still a little impulsive.  If they are together I don't worry (any more than I would for an older child).  Truth is, they are more likely to act distractedly if I'm right there, because they're counting on me to watch out for them.

[Annie G]

My 30 year old called to tell me that my 28 year old sent her a text that my 21 year old was going to a party on campus.  I replied, "Good for her!". Oldest daughter was aghast. How could I let dd run wild?  

 

You know how you sterilize the pacifier every time it comes out of baby 1's mouth but by the time baby 3 is born you decide humans are hard to kill and just wipe it off with your dirty shirt?  Yeah...that kind of gradual relaxation works all the way through to adulthood. Girl 3 has WAY more freedom than girl 1 had.  

[PeacefulChaos]

Let's see... 

I've let Link (last year) ride his bike back to the pharmacy to drop of Astro's prescription.  It's about a block and a half - not very far, we can actually almost see it from our backyard.  He had to go through a parking lot, though, which was my biggest caveat.

This year he's walked back to where I work (again, 1 1/2-2 blocks) to bring me a soda because I was thirsty and couldn't leave my desk.  :P  Not real exciting, I know.  :D

I haven't let them cross the street to play in with the kids over there yet, though.  There are several reasons why, and they don't ALL have to do with the street crossing.  ;)  But that is part of it - if they would just cross once and be done, we'd be fine with it - we let them cross with that rule once, and they didn't follow it at all.  They just kept going back and forth, especially Astro, and he's the one who has only recently begun to have any care about danger around him (our road is not super busy, but it's busier than a regular residential neighborhood.  Since we live next to a residential care facility, we get ambulances multiple times a day sometimes, as well as all the people - hundreds - coming and going from work, visitors, etc).  That was about a year ago, probably - sometime last year, anyway.  DH and I were thinking about it again the other night.  Still haven't decided, and the boys haven't asked.  

Aside from that, they go outside daily.  I don't.  :lol:  (Well, I do, but not with them, if that makes sense).  

I feel like Link, in particular, is ready for more freedom.  I just have to figure out where to give it to him.  :)

[mom2bee]

I would love to see the list of Regentrudes! Does anyone have a link or remember some of the words from the title so that I can do a search?

I have a fascination with child-rearing ideals and values in other cultures. I would love to read about how 4yo's are treated/considered in Germany.

[regentrude]

I would love to see the list of Regentrudes! Does anyone have a link or remember some of the words from the title so that I can do a search?

I have a fascination with child-rearing ideals and values in other cultures. I would love to read about how 4yo's are treated/considered in Germany.

 

I did not have a "list", but I mentioned a few things that are common in child reading in Germany. Here are a few things:

 

School children walk themselves to school from first grade on. Parents may walk them on their first day of school, after that, they walk by themselves. A typical walk to an elementary school would be 10-25 minutes.

In 4th grade, school does bicycle education with a practical exam, and kids receive a "license" and are allowed to ride in traffic. They may bike to school. Elementary school kids take themselves to their after school activities on foot or by bike or using public transit for easy to navigate trips.

 

As of 5th grade, kids use public transit independently to take themselves to and from school, across large cities, with changing buses and street cars. Some kids take up to on hour to get to their secondary school. They would know how to use ticket machines to purchase transit passes. They generally take care of their own extracurricular activities; parents are not transporting them (unless you live far in the country) and are also not watching their kids' soccer practice or violin lessons.

 

Kids older than 3 or 4 are dropped off at their activities like choir or sports, and parents are not staying and watching. The director of the activity would be used to working with young children, and having a bunch of parents present would be considered weird (not to mention probably disruptive)

4 and 5 year olds are crossing smaller streets (not major highways).

A 5 year old may be allowed to walk to the park  two blocks away, be told a time when he should come home, and he would ask the moms at the park what time it is, or tell them to remind him when it is the time he needs to leave.

A 4 year old may be sent to the corner bakery with cash to get a bread or 5 rolls - involving a short, straight walk, no major streets, no complicated directions.

An older elementary student may be asked to stop at the grocery store on his way home from school and buy several items.

Since elementary age kids are out and about on their own, they are used to handling small sums of money and going into stores without adults. They are also expected to be able to spend a few hours unsupervised at home. Typically parents who work all afternoon will have their kids in aftercare, because school is out before, or around noon, and that would just be too long. But for a couple of hours, no problem. Aftercare ends in 5th grade; 5th graders are considered mature enough to handle an afternoon by themselves.

[Tammi K]

Yeah for you! Those sound like reasonable things to allow children of you children's ages to do - as long as they are willing to obey the rules/limits you set.  Good job, Mom.

[Tammi K]

A 4 year old may be sent to the corner bakery with cash to get a bread or 5 rolls - involving a short, straight walk, no major streets, no complicated directions.

 

When we lived in Germany, my daughter, probably 3 or 4 at the time would love Friday afternoons when the 'bread truck' would park at the end of the street and she would get to trudge off with her mark or some pfenning held in her hand to go by herself to choose a bread roll for her and her sister.

 

(By herself...but with a hat on her head if the temp was below 60! Because, by goodness, German children might be independent at a young age, but there heads need to be covered or you will hear it from every German grandma within eye site. :rolleyes: )

[abba12]

I did not have a "list", but I mentioned a few things that are common in child reading in Germany. Here are a few things:

 

School children walk themselves to school from first grade on. Parents may walk them on their first day of school, after that, they walk by themselves. A typical walk to an elementary school would be 10-25 minutes.

In 4th grade, school does bicycle education with a practical exam, and kids receive a "license" and are allowed to ride in traffic. They may bike to school. Elementary school kids take themselves to their after school activities on foot or by bike or using public transit for easy to navigate trips.

 

As of 5th grade, kids use public transit independently to take themselves to and from school, across large cities, with changing buses and street cars. Some kids take up to on hour to get to their secondary school. They would know how to use ticket machines to purchase transit passes. They generally take care of their own extracurricular activities; parents are not transporting them (unless you live far in the country) and are also not watching their kids' soccer practice or violin lessons.

 

Kids older than 3 or 4 are dropped off at their activities like choir or sports, and parents are not staying and watching. The director of the activity would be used to working with young children, and having a bunch of parents present would be considered weird (not to mention probably disruptive)

4 and 5 year olds are crossing smaller streets (not major highways).

A 5 year old may be allowed to walk to the park  two blocks away, be told a time when he should come home, and he would ask the moms at the park what time it is, or tell them to remind him when it is the time he needs to leave.

A 4 year old may be sent to the corner bakery with cash to get a bread or 5 rolls - involving a short, straight walk, no major streets, no complicated directions.

An older elementary student may be asked to stop at the grocery store on his way home from school and buy several items.

Since elementary age kids are out and about on their own, they are used to handling small sums of money and going into stores without adults. They are also expected to be able to spend a few hours unsupervised at home. Typically parents who work all afternoon will have their kids in aftercare, because school is out before, or around noon, and that would just be too long. But for a couple of hours, no problem. Aftercare ends in 5th grade; 5th graders are considered mature enough to handle an afternoon by themselves.

 

Wow, thanks for the info regentrude

This is what I want for my kids (within the boundaries of our society I suppose. Our society would not allow me to send a 4yo to the corner store alone lol). I remember when mum worked at the store in town I used to roam the town all afternoon with my sister, and often pick up a few groceries for her, as well as snacks for us. We were in grades 6 and 4. I was trusted home alone all day from age 12, and for a half hour or so taking care of the baby from age 8. (note, my sister was NOT. There is a maturity aspect to those ages :D)

 

I think Australia must be a lot freer in general though, or I just had a lot of other free range friends, because I also remember, from the age of 10, roaming the streets when at friends houses. I remember one boy and I used to walk to the park together with his brother, and play in the bushland there. This park wasn't across the street either, it was about 2km (1 mile) away. A female friend and I spent the entire day most times I was there in the bushland of her park, which backed onto the house. And by the time I was a little older, we used to roam the housing estate as a group, going and looking at the new construction up the back. 

 

Quite a contrast from the thread recently which said that on military bases children under 10 were to be supervised at all times and children shouldn't play outside alone.

 

I am an odd parent though, I overprotect in some areas, really strongly, and I free range completely in others. There are few areas I am moderate about. Maybe that'll change as they get older.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Yeah for you! Those sound like reasonable things to allow children of you children's ages to do - as long as they are willing to obey the rules/limits you set. Good job, Mom.

Thank you. I will be on the lookout for new ways to give Tigger more freedom. I am thankful he is tall for his age and hope it continues. It will be easier to let him go into a store by himself when he's older if he looks older than he is. My biggest concern would someone flipping out and calling the cops or something.

[PeacefulChaos]

I did not have a "list", but I mentioned a few things that are common in child reading in Germany. Here are a few things:

 

School children walk themselves to school from first grade on. Parents may walk them on their first day of school, after that, they walk by themselves. A typical walk to an elementary school would be 10-25 minutes.

In 4th grade, school does bicycle education with a practical exam, and kids receive a "license" and are allowed to ride in traffic. They may bike to school. Elementary school kids take themselves to their after school activities on foot or by bike or using public transit for easy to navigate trips.

 

As of 5th grade, kids use public transit independently to take themselves to and from school, across large cities, with changing buses and street cars. Some kids take up to on hour to get to their secondary school. They would know how to use ticket machines to purchase transit passes. They generally take care of their own extracurricular activities; parents are not transporting them (unless you live far in the country) and are also not watching their kids' soccer practice or violin lessons.

 

Kids older than 3 or 4 are dropped off at their activities like choir or sports, and parents are not staying and watching. The director of the activity would be used to working with young children, and having a bunch of parents present would be considered weird (not to mention probably disruptive)

4 and 5 year olds are crossing smaller streets (not major highways).

A 5 year old may be allowed to walk to the park  two blocks away, be told a time when he should come home, and he would ask the moms at the park what time it is, or tell them to remind him when it is the time he needs to leave.

A 4 year old may be sent to the corner bakery with cash to get a bread or 5 rolls - involving a short, straight walk, no major streets, no complicated directions.

An older elementary student may be asked to stop at the grocery store on his way home from school and buy several items.

Since elementary age kids are out and about on their own, they are used to handling small sums of money and going into stores without adults. They are also expected to be able to spend a few hours unsupervised at home. Typically parents who work all afternoon will have their kids in aftercare, because school is out before, or around noon, and that would just be too long. But for a couple of hours, no problem. Aftercare ends in 5th grade; 5th graders are considered mature enough to handle an afternoon by themselves.

I, like, want to save this and put it on my fridge.  :lol:

Idky.  It just sort of embodies the sort of freedom I want for my kids.  

One thing with the sitting at practice, though, I think around here it may not be so much overprotectiveness (though we have those for sure!) but since we live in a rural area, it doesn't make sense to drop the kids off and then come back and get them.  I was just thinking about that this evening (Link has baseball practice) and it occurred to me that, around here, if you don't have any errands to run there is really no point in leaving the field.  

 

Oh, that's one thing I forgot - and this is probably totally obvious to some - but we let Astro and Pink run with a gaggle of kids at the baseball fields when Link has a game.  There are usually anywhere from 5 to 20 of them, playing around behind dugouts, etc, where they are out of the way of the teams playing (our complex has 4 fields + batting cages and one practice field).  Often, when a game ends, they'll take over the field that is empty.  :)

[happyhomemaker]

I have a hard time deciding on appropriate freedoms for my kids because I was helicopter parented by my mom. So my knee-jerk reaction to most things is "No! You are too young to do that alone!" I have to step back from my emotions and try to decide what my child is truly capable of and the real safety or lack thereof of the situation. Thankfully dh was allowed to do all kinds of things so he is a good balance for me in this area. I have forced myself not to follow my kids around the playground. My older two play out of my sight sometimes in the neighborhood. I send them to other aisles in the store to get things when we are shopping. When we were considering ps, we had planned to let dd walk a couple of blocks to school even though my mom acted like we were serving her up on a plate for child molesters. Dd sometimes stays home alone for an hour or two in the afternoon while I run errands. I'm sure there are other things, but I'm probably not as loose as I should be.

[SKL]

I leave my kids at the gym if there's something I can do in the time available; otherwise I bring my computer and work there.  I keep telling myself I should go for a walk for my own health while they are in there getting their exercise.  So far I've never done it, though.  I never seem to think about it at the right time.

 

When the girls are at the park, if I'm there, I'm walking around the perimeter trying to get some exercise and fresh air.  I also walk around the pool while they are in there.  Just can't see sitting around and being unproductive for that much time.  I long for the day I can leave my kids in the pool and go use the grown-up walking track and other equipment.  At present the rules don't allow it.

[aggieamy]

In this last year I've made a point of giving DD more freedoms and it's been kind of fun seeing her step up to the challenge.

 

She will run into Aldi if I have a short grocery list now but does complain that the checkout person always tries to skip her and deal with the adult behind her because they think that must be her parent.

 

A few nights ago we were at a friends house and decided we wanted to go out for ice cream.  She was in the middle of the book and didn't want to go so we just left her there by herself.  We did bring her back some ice cream though. 

 

 

I did not have a "list", but I mentioned a few things that are common in child reading in Germany. Here are a few things:

 

School children walk themselves to school from first grade on. Parents may walk them on their first day of school, after that, they walk by themselves. A typical walk to an elementary school would be 10-25 minutes.

In 4th grade, school does bicycle education with a practical exam, and kids receive a "license" and are allowed to ride in traffic. They may bike to school. Elementary school kids take themselves to their after school activities on foot or by bike or using public transit for easy to navigate trips.

 

As of 5th grade, kids use public transit independently to take themselves to and from school, across large cities, with changing buses and street cars. Some kids take up to on hour to get to their secondary school. They would know how to use ticket machines to purchase transit passes. They generally take care of their own extracurricular activities; parents are not transporting them (unless you live far in the country) and are also not watching their kids' soccer practice or violin lessons.

 

Kids older than 3 or 4 are dropped off at their activities like choir or sports, and parents are not staying and watching. The director of the activity would be used to working with young children, and having a bunch of parents present would be considered weird (not to mention probably disruptive)

4 and 5 year olds are crossing smaller streets (not major highways).

A 5 year old may be allowed to walk to the park  two blocks away, be told a time when he should come home, and he would ask the moms at the park what time it is, or tell them to remind him when it is the time he needs to leave.

A 4 year old may be sent to the corner bakery with cash to get a bread or 5 rolls - involving a short, straight walk, no major streets, no complicated directions.

An older elementary student may be asked to stop at the grocery store on his way home from school and buy several items.

Since elementary age kids are out and about on their own, they are used to handling small sums of money and going into stores without adults. They are also expected to be able to spend a few hours unsupervised at home. Typically parents who work all afternoon will have their kids in aftercare, because school is out before, or around noon, and that would just be too long. But for a couple of hours, no problem. Aftercare ends in 5th grade; 5th graders are considered mature enough to handle an afternoon by themselves.

 

At least around here, it wasn't _that_ long ago that such activities at these ages were normal in the US.  Well, except for the public transportation, just because there's not that much of it here.  My mom often told me and my siblings during the summer "go to the park and play, and don't come home before dinner".

[Farrar]

We're also pretty free range.  Some things my 8 yos do or have done:

 

* go to the park on their own

* go to the grocery store on their own

* go to some of the food places in our 'hood on their own

* have money they carry with them

* keep their own subway card

* go for a short, well-known hike on their own

 

We're working toward the public transit.  I really want them to be able to ride the Metro alone within the next couple of years.

 

It helps that they have each other.  And that I like in a city neighborhood so there are often young kids out alone, meaning that I don't have to worry about being hassled.  And there is no set age on the books in my not-a-state.

 

I have been thinking I should get them a phone soon though.  The other day though, one of my kids fell off the top of the play equipment  :glare: and his brother borrowed the phone of a toddler mom to call me and ask me to walk down.  He was fine, of course, just bruised up a bit.  If they wouldn't stop making the equipment so darn safe, maybe my kids would stop trying to use it so improperly.

 

Self-sufficiency in the home in something we're lagging behind on a bit though.  Today I had to prod my kid to cut his own fingernails.  And when I say prod, I really had to push him to get him to do it.  He wanted me to take care of it for him.

[swellmomma]

ds10 earned the freedoms of being able to cross main street now (main street is 1 street up, before double digits bike rides etc are limited to our street and up to mainstreet to pick up the mail or go to the library, he is now allowed to cross it and go for longer rides).  He also is allowed to take dd5 to the park by himself, with rules that is certain children show up to play they are to come home immediately. 

 

DD5 is now allowed to cross the street and go call on her friend by herself.  I initially stood at the hedge and watched her cross and run down the street to friend's house, now I only do that sometimes.  And I can now stand at the hedge and call her name to come home and she pops up from whatever they were playing and runs on home to me by herself. 

 

Both play in the yard together and alone daily.  ds10 also helps walk the pups and potty them.

 

As for the teens they have about as much freedom as they are going to get for a while.  The next progression will require more maturity and signs of a working brain to allow...it could be a while lol

[----]

.

[MommaOfalotta]

I'm pretty free range by today's standards anyway.  One thing I had been slow to do was let the girls (age 6) bathe themselves (including washing their long hair).  About a month ago I started letting them take a shower with far less assistance than before. 

 

My 6 YO just started taking showers/baths by herself. Its sad that she is getting so big so fast, but let me tell ya.. when its time for her to take a shower and I don't have to give it to her.. I feel like I'm on vacation for 20 minutes. It feels so weird to be hands free instead of sweating while trying to help her with a (chunky monkey) baby on my hip!

 

 

I'm going to be checking in on this thread throughout the day. I need some ideas. I want dd to have more freedom, and its not HER I worry about... its the crazies. But still, I'm looking for ideas.

[Ravin]

We live in an urban area. Our neighborhood is a large U crossed by several small streeets, with the ends of the U terminating at a large, busy road. DD has been free range within the neighborhood since she was 5. At 9, I will allow her to walk out to the BK at the nearest major intersection (which she has done with a friend), which doesn't require crossing the major streets. I would also let her go to the grocery store across from the BK, but she hasn't wanted to yet. She has practiced crossing at the intersection by herself and ridden the bus solo from one stop to the next to shorten her walk while DS and I walked with the stroller. I'm hoping by the end of this year to build her confidence enough to try riding the bus solo to the library 2 miles away.

 

She is good about following safety rules, and her own cautious nature holds her back more than I do. I might parent differently with a child whose fearlessness had her jumping ahead all the time.

[Χά�ων]

We are rural and if there wasn't a very agressive dog on the corner I would let DS explore further.

 

At my grandmas in a small town DS has free reign to go where he wants.

[Joanne]

I don't believe in free range or helicoptering.

 

I believe in developmentally, personality, and contextual decisions based on researched and informed information regarding actual risks and benefits.

 

The amount of freedom vs. supervision I've given my kids is something I feel I've done "right." Don't get me wrong, there are some times and moments in my parenting I wish I had a do-over for - but the amount of involvement in their activities, supervision, and daily lives is not on the regret list.

 

I am a firm believer that children need discussion, coaching, and guidance. Using those, I will not disallow "early" dating and I won't censor media or books. But the key is that I am there with them, at least emotionally, and we talk about the issues and challenges, and successes, and problems. I don't allow them to view or read accelerated material and leave them alone with it.

 

I believe that there IS such a thing as over protection, and that it IS harmful. It's a developmental "miss" in terms of what they should be allowed to navigate.

 

In terms of course correction over the years, I wish I had not been so recicent to use other caregivers when my kids were younger and I wish that I did not have to work so many hours and could be with them more (a change I made as soon as I could).

 

[plansrme]

I will be letting my 16 year old drive herself to the gym the day after her sixteenth birthday, which is in about 6 weeks.  The gym is on the other side of Atlanta from us, around I-285 at rush hour.  She also will drive herself home at 9 pm.  

 

I am pretty sure that I win.

 

 

[Soror]

Like Joanne this is one area that I feel pretty happy about, although I also know that I have made mistakes. I don't know that it would be worthwhile what we do as it does vary with each child. My children as a whole though are independent for their age, especially compared to their local peers. My girls, 6 and 3 have bathed together, without me there, for a good while now. I just started letting the baby- 9mo in there when they have just a small bit of water. The 6 and 9 yo are at times in charge of cooking, including the use of knifes and stovetop. They play outside by themselves, 9,6,3, except the baby. I was at the park the other day and a lady had a 12 yo and she expected the child to be constantly in sight. I don't even have that expectation for my own kids but we all have to do what makes us comfortable.

 

I tend to keep them closer in public sometimes due to societal expectations and pressure. I cannot imagine doing some things that regentrude listed here without being reported for neglect. I do reiterate to them at times that certain expectations in public are related to what is expected and not what I think of their capability. My motto for such things is that I try not to base decisions on fear but facts and I don't generally do for them what they can do for themselves.

[linders]

I will be letting my 16 year old drive herself to the gym the day after her sixteenth birthday, which is in about 6 weeks.  The gym is on the other side of Atlanta from us, around I-285 at rush hour.  She also will drive herself home at 9 pm.  

 

I am pretty sure that I win.

 

You totally win. I won't drive on I-285 in rush hour traffic. (Fortunately, we only go as visitors a few times a year, we don't live there.)

[Joker]

Mine are 13 and 11 and now in ps middle school. They can walk to and from school together. They can walk the 3 mile round trip to the store or smoothie place since there are sidewalks and crosswalks the entire way (as well as other kids/walkers/bikers). They can stay home alone for just about any period of time now except over night. So far, we've allowed them to do their school trips without us chaperoning. All have been overnight trips and oldest has one coming up that will be for a week.

 

I was very helicopterish when they were younger but it didn't harm them. Last year, oldest was left behind on a school trip to Disney but found her way to the monorail and through the parking lot to find the bus. She didn't freak out (I did when I found out but I kept it to myself) so I guess we're doing okay.

[Ottakee]

We are rural so some of this is harder for us as we live on a very busy road and the nearest gas station/mini mart is 2 1/2 miles away.

 

I have started to let 16dd go farther away on her horse alone or the 2 girls to go together. I trust them and the horses, just not the drivers on the roads....they can get to a dirt road from trails behind our house.

[Farrar]

I really agree with most of this...  but...  I think one thing that has happened in our culture is that watching your kid every moment and doing more for them has become more and more the norm.  Our gut feelings about when the time is right is informed by a lot things, but one of them is that norm.  And so much of most parents' understanding (or, loosely, "research") of what's developmentally right is based on what one's oldest child's peers are doing.  I think there are a lot of forces on parents - especially moms - trying to tell us that we're only good moms when we're there every single moment.  And things like that can really throw off a gut feeling.  And if no one is ushering a child toward independence in areas where they might be developmentally ready, then it can be harder for a parent to think they should perhaps think about that as well.  So then you have a school full of kids who don't tie their own shoes, who can't walk two blocks alone, etc. because no one else is doing it.

 

For me, at least, I try to think about where can we encourage and build toward independence as my baseline.  Of course if a child isn't ready, then they're not ready.  Like, my kids turn 9 this month, I'd be okay with them riding the subway alone, except they wouldn't be yet.  That's okay.  I wouldn't make them.  But then I ask myself how do we work toward that so they are ready down the road - even if it's not for three years or something.  What I see missing - and why I identify as free range - is that it seems like some parents never ask themselves how do I get a child ready.  Instead, it's, how do I continue to do this for my child.

 

I don't believe in free range or helicoptering.

 

I believe in developmentally, personality, and contextual decisions based on researched and informed information regarding actual risks and benefits.

 

The amount of freedom vs. supervision I've given my kids is something I feel I've done "right." Don't get me wrong, there are some times and moments in my parenting I wish I had a do-over for - but the amount of involvement in their activities, supervision, and daily lives is not on the regret list.

 

I am a firm believer that children need discussion, coaching, and guidance. Using those, I will not disallow "early" dating and I won't censor media or books. But the key is that I am there with them, at least emotionally, and we talk about the issues and challenges, and successes, and problems. I don't allow them to view or read accelerated material and leave them alone with it.

 

I believe that there IS such a thing as over protection, and that it IS harmful. It's a developmental "miss" in terms of what they should be allowed to navigate.

 

In terms of course correction over the years, I wish I had not been so recicent to use other caregivers when my kids were younger and I wish that I did not have to work so many hours and could be with them more (a change I made as soon as I could).

 

[SKL]

Another factor is that in recent years, neighborhoods have been designed to make it hard for kids to get around on their own.  Perhaps that wasn't the intention, but it's the natural result when you put the nearest corner store, school, library, park, and even bus stop a couple of miles away across several roads - and all in different directions.  That's how my neighborhood is, and on top of that, there are stretches of busy residential roads with no sidewalks.  And I do think people are speeding more along residential roads, assuming no kids will be anywhere near the road.

 

Then of course you have the "rules" of many family places such as our library and rec center, which don't allow kids through the door without a parent until they are 12 or 13 years old.  When I was a kid, there were no such restrictions except at the public pool, where you had to be 8 to come unaccompanied by someone over 14.

 

My summers were spent walking or bike riding between the library, playground, pool, community gardens, whichever VBS I happened upon, ice cream shops, and the city zoo.  All were within easy walking distance for a primary-school kid.

 

It seems strange to think of giving my kids a "free-range" experience, when that often requires me to drive them somewhere.

[PeacefulChaos]

Another factor is that in recent years, neighborhoods have been designed to make it hard for kids to get around on their own.  Perhaps that wasn't the intention, but it's the natural result when you put the nearest corner store, school, library, park, and even bus stop a couple of miles away across several roads - and all in different directions.  That's how my neighborhood is, and on top of that, there are stretches of busy residential roads with no sidewalks.  And I do think people are speeding more along residential roads, assuming no kids will be anywhere near the road.

 

Then of course you have the "rules" of many family places such as our library and rec center, which don't allow kids through the door without a parent until they are 12 or 13 years old.  When I was a kid, there were no such restrictions except at the public pool, where you had to be 8 to come unaccompanied by someone over 14.

 

My summers were spent walking or bike riding between the library, playground, pool, community gardens, whichever VBS I happened upon, ice cream shops, and the city zoo.  All were within easy walking distance for a primary-school kid.

 

It seems strange to think of giving my kids a "free-range" experience, when that often requires me to drive them somewhere.

This is true, too.  

I am not even kidding when I say I would kind of like to move to a place that is more friendly to this sort of thing - both for the free range aspect and for the walkability aspect.  

[Annie G]

I will be letting my 16 year old drive herself to the gym the day after her sixteenth birthday, which is in about 6 weeks.  The gym is on the other side of Atlanta from us, around I-285 at rush hour.  She also will drive herself home at 9 pm.  

 

I am pretty sure that I win.

 

Yes, you win. I'd rather chew my own arm off than drive 285  during rush hour. Or any other time of day, for that matter.